SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 4

92d: Christopher Walken / Arrested Development

Perot-Stockdale

Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey
James Stockdale…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Ross Perot driving a car along a country road, with Admiral James Stockdale as his passenger ]

Ross Perot: Beautiful day, isn’t it, Admiral Stockdale? Yeah, I just adore driving! I just adore it!

James Stockdale: WHERE ARE WE GOING?!!

Ross Perot: Ah, that don’t matter! We’re just going for a ride, we’re just eating up the highway! See, we’ve been working real hard. This here’s like a joyride, so I say en-joy!

James Stockdale: YOU’RE THE BOSS!!

Ross Perot: That’s right! Now, you wanna hear some music? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, today you’re gonna get all the music you want! [ he flips through channels only to be greeted with static ] Aw, I don’t believe it! You see? Is that how the game is played, Admiral? They can’t put a tranmitter out here so good, honest, decent American people can hear some nice country music. And I just think that’s sad!

James Stockdale: GOVERNMENT’S IN..! IN GRIDLOCK!

Ross Perot: Well, there you go! Now, that was vintage! That was one of the finest moments in any debate I’ve ever seen. I mean, talk about Pin the Tail on the Donkey — that’s just what you did! You were A-1 in that debate! You had an H-Bomb, them other fellers had a slingshot!

James Stockdale: PING-PONG MATCH! IT… was… a.

Ross Perot: Well — yes, sir! You won it, hands down! I tell ya, those press people? They’re just loony! They say you’re a drag on the ticket? They must have been watching a different show! When you were quiet there for an hour, that was WORLD CLASS! Showed you ain’t just talk! You know, a quiet man, a lot going on upstairs. Them others just went shooting their mouthes off!

James Stockdale: WHO AM I?! WHY AM I HERE?!

Ross Perot: Well, you’re the Admiral! You’re taking a joyride! [ he cackles with glee ] Oh, I get it! You’re quoting yourself, right? “Who am I?” Now, that lnie there, that was precious! Adn you know, Admiral, when you were wandering around there — remember that? When it looked like you were gonna go over to Gore’s podium? Well, that was — Margo and I, we just loved that! It showed you were restless, had places to go, people to see!

James Stockdale: I’M OUT OF AMMO!!

Ross Perot: [ cackling ] Perfect! Perfect! And the part where you were stopping and stuttering — GRAND SLAM, I’ll tell you! Shows you weren’t rehearsed, like those other two. A president needs to be spontaneous, and the American people know it.

James Stockdale: GRIDLOCK!!

Ross Perot: That’s right. And the way your mind drifted — showed your open to new ideas. And, Admiral, when you took your glasses on and off nervously, and when you forgot your hearing aid was off, like you didn’t know where you were — well, that was just stunning! And I adored it, and so did Margo and all my kids.

James Stockdale: I’M HUNGRY!

Ross Perot: Admiral, we ate at Denny’s a half-hour ago. You had a double cheeseburger. Your belly’s full. I rest my case.

James Stockdale: [ suspicious ] Where are we…?

Ross Perot: Ain’t this pretty country, Admiral? Aren’t you having fun? We’re miles from anywhere, see? Now, now take a look over there — [ he points ] There’s a ten-point buck deer. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s a symbol of American strength — right over there, Admiral!

James Stockdale: [ looking ] WHERE!!

Ross Perot: Right, right over there. Look, I’ll pull up so you can get a better look. [ he stops the car ] Now, do you see it now? Do you see it?

James Stockdale: NO!!

Ross Perot: Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve seen it — Why don’t you get out and take a better look? You deserve it. I’m trying to think of you. Go on, Admiral.

[ Stockdale exits the car ]

Ross Perot: That’s right. Go on out there. Now, take a few steps. It’s worth it! Now, go on. That’s right.

James Stockdale: I DON’T SEE IT!!

Ross Perot: Take a few more steps, and, and, and just go on! Go on!

[ satisfied, Perot kicks the car into gear and drives off like a bat out of Hell ]

Ross Perot: I’m doing this for the young people, that’s right!

[ Perot’s car phone rings ]

Ross Perot: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it’s a done deal! Yeah, I fixed it. No, no, he went quietly. Now, tell the Press we have no idea where he is, and make sure all this is ready for Larry King Wednesday night. By then, I think we can definitely take care of — [ he looks in his mirror ] Oh, bull shoot! I don’t believe it! I’ll get back to ya’.

[ reveal Stockdale frantically running alongside the car ]

James Stockdale: WHAT HAPPENED?!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!!

Ross Perot: Is that you, Admiral? I-I-I-I’ll tell ya, these brakes are tricky in these American cars! And that’s just sad! Let me try again here!

[ Perot slams the brakes ]

Ross Perot: Lesson for today? Never try to ditch a war hero. Tenacious with a Capital T.

[ Stockdale re-enters the car ]

James Stockdale: I’m hungry!

Ross Perot: Alright. Well, where do you want to go, Admiral? There’s an Astro Burger at the next exit. Waht do you say?

James Stockdale: “Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jan Hooks
…..Lorne Michaels

Christopher Walken: Thank you. Thank you, good to see you. I’m excitedto host the show. You know, these are difficult times for a lot of people.And with the election coming up, there’s a lot of uncertainty. Sixty yearsago, Irving Berlin had some thoughts on the subject..

[ singing ]
“There may be trouble ahead,
But while there’s moonlight and music,
And love and romance,
Let’s face the music and dance.

Before the peddlers have fled
Before they ask us to pay the bill,
And while we still have a chance,
Let’s face the music and dance.

Soon, we’ll be without the moon,
Humming a different tune and then,
There may be teardrops to shed,
But while there’s moonlight, and music,
And love and romance,
Let’s face the music and dance, dance!
Let’s face the music and dance!”

[ Christopher dances with Ellen Cleghorne, then Melanie Hutsell, then anaudience member ]

Christopher: Jan! Will you dance with me?

Jan: No Chris, I have to get ready, my hair’s a.. okay.

[ Christopher and Jan dance ]

Lorne Michaels: Jan, what are you doing?

Jan Hooks: Nothing. [ scurries off ]

Christopher Walken: Jan! Come back!

Lorne Michaels: Chris, I can’t allow this.

Christopher: Why not, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Because, Chris, these people are not professionaldancers; someone could get hurt.

Christopher: Would you dance with me?

Lorne Michaels: No, no, no..

[ Christopher grabs Lorne and dances through the halls with him ]

Christopher and Lorne: [ singing ]
“Soon, we’ll be without the moon,
Humming a different tune and then..”

Melanie, Julia, Ellen and Jan: [ singing ]
“There may be teardrops to shed,
So while there’s moonlight, and music,
And love and romance,
Let’s face the music and dance, dance!”

[ Christopher returns to stage and finishes the song with them ]

“Let’s face the music and dance!”

SNL Transcripts

Jiffy Express

Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider
Mrs. Collier…..Julia Sweeney
Secretary…..Melianie Hutsell
Upset Recipient…..Kevin Nealon

Delivery Boy: Package for Mrs. Collier. [ hands her package ]

Mrs. Collier: [ reading box ] “Happy Birthday, from Larry.” Mybirthday was three weeks ago. Well, that’s my brother.

Delivery Boy: Ma’am, I think you might want to check the shippingdate on that.

Mrs. Collier: [ checks ] October 3rd? He did mail it on time!

Delivery Boy: That’s right. It’s not your brother’s fault, ma’am. It’s ours.

Mrs. Collier: [ appalled ] That is unacceptable! He went through alot of trouble, and you guys just sat on the package for a month!

Delivery Boy: You’re absolutely right, Ma’am. It isunacceptable. [ hangs his head in faux shame ]

Mrs. Collier: [ sighs disgustedly, slams the door ]

[ Delivery Boy faces the camera ]

Delivery Boy: At Jiffy Express, we know how important it is to beon time. And we also know that sometimes you just can’t make it. That’swhen you call Jiffy. We’ll take the package – and the blame.

[ cut to a secretary handing the Delivery Boy a package ]

Secretary: This was due in Cleveland last month. I could be fired.Can you help me?

Delivery Boy: No problem, Ma’am. You can count on us. [ grabs thepackage and walks off to begin his mission ]

Voiceover: When it has to be there overnight, call the other guys.When it had to be there three weeks ago, call Jiffy. First, we’ll backdatethe receipt. Then our technicians will age the package, according to yourspecifications. We can stain it, soil it, recreate delivery mishap andtrauma.. even simulate international misrouting.

[ cut to Delivery Boy explaining the tardiness to an Upset Recipient ]

Delivery Boy: And after it got to Hong Kong, well.. we just lost trackof it. Luckily, it turned up in our warehouse.

Upset Recipient: [ grabbing package ] You guys are pathetic!People get fired over this kind of thing! [ slams his door ]

Delivery Boy: [ to the camera ] I know.

Voiceover: Jiffy Express. When you’ve got no one else to blame -call us.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you’re an ant,
and you’re walking along
across the top of a cup of pudding,
you probably have no idea
that the only thing between you
and disaster is the strength
of that pudding skin.

SNL Transcripts

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The nightair is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, before it opens and a womanruns out screaming ]

The Continental: [ spotting his nighttime visitor ] Don’t mind her.That was merely my sister, running to meet her lover. Every moment spentwithout him is an eternity for her. Please. Come in. [ kisses hisvisitor’s hand and shows her into his apartment ] You know, when you called, my heart sang. Allow me to take your wrap. No? I see. You’ve only cometo reclaim your misplaced glove, then you must go. But don’t you see, I willbe devestated if you don’t join me for at least one glass of fine champagna.Please. Your coat. [ camera shakes no ] I beg you. What kind of hostwould I be if I did not attend to your beautiful coat, my little wildflower.Come on. [ seizes her coat and flings it upon the coat rack ] There, thatwasn’t so bad, now was it? Now, please.. won’t you make yourselfcomfortable on the settee, as I look for this glove.. [ walks across theroom ] which you happen to forget when you fled from my apartment last week. Sit. Please.

[ he sits next to her ] You know.. I think it was no accident.In fact, I believe there are no accidents. [ smokes his cigarette ] Thisglove is an excuse. Admit it. You find me as irresistable as Ifind.. [ camera spins around and quickly zooms towards the door, blockedsuddenly by the Continental’s desperation to have her stay ] Forgive me,my little frightened, wide-eyed doe. I see I’ve upset you. If I move awayfrom the door, will you promise to sit and banter with me, if only for abrief few moments. [ camera shakes yes, so the Continental walks away, but quickly jumps in again when the camera attempts to leave ] You broke yourpromise! So I broke mine. I do not like to play games. I wil find yourglove, and you will go. But first, a glass of fine champagna.

[ he walks over to a table to pour the champagna into two glasses ] Youknow, champagna is not champagna unless it comes from the province ofChampagne. I learned that in Bartending School. [ bring their champagne tothe settee ] Sit, please. [ hands his visitor her glass ] Forgive me if myhungry eyes feast on the banquet of your sumptious decolletage. [ champagne isthrown in his face ] The champagna you have thrown stings my eyes. You are afiery vixen. You have a spirit.. like a frolicksome colt. [ glass is heldbefore him ] Ah! I see you have changed your mind about the champagna. Noone can long resist the lure of those delicate bubbles.. [ reaches for thebottle ] ..each whispering the same message of love. [ the champagne isagain thrown in his face ] Thrown champagne in my face once, shame on you. [ adjusts his soaked fake moustache ] Throw champagna in my face twice, shameon me. Very well. I will find the glove.

[ he puts his glass down and walks over to his bookcase ] If you will holdthe steps for me, my darling.. I will fetch this object of your desire. [ heclimbs the ladder, grabs a box, and looks down upon his visitor’s cleavage ]Oof! The view from here.. is intoxicating.. oh.. like fine champagna. Verywell, I will find this glove. [ pulls a white glove out of his box ] Theglove of a woman. I must confess, I have quite a collection. [ pulls outa red glove ] This I found in a taxi cab. [ pulls out a beige glove ] Thisone belonged to the girlfriend of a roommate. [ pulls out a yellow glove ]This I purchased at a garage sale. [ pulls out another white glove ] Ah,here we are. This, unless I’m dreadfully mistaken, we’ve found your glove?[ camera shakes no ] No? In that case.. [ pulls out another red glove ]..this is the glove you seek. [ camera shakes no ] Then, surely..[ pulls out a third red glove ] ..this is your glove. [ hand reachesfor the glove ] Ah! Eureka! Our quest has ended. [ hands her the glove,then pulls it away before she can grab it ] Ah.. dare I say it, this callsfor a glass of champagna! [ puts his box away and climbs down the ladder ]That is, if you promise not to throw it in my face. No? Very well. Iappreciate your honesty, so I guess there is nothing left but to returnyour glove to you, and then you can go and return yourself.. to Him.[ holds her hand ] You know, your hands say everything about you.. Sofine and delicate. You know, I received a doctorate in the study ofPalmistry, from the University of Budapest. Allow me one brief glimpse..[ examines her hand ] Yes! See here, your lifeline is very long!So is your faith line.. but most intriguing of all.. your love line.[ he bends down and licks her hand, as she slaps him and heads for the door ]But! I haven’t called for your car yet! Must you fly so soon, my littlesongbird? Must you fly so soon? Please! Very well, go.. but allow me onelast moment to drink the intoxicating vision of you. Eyes blazing, your hairflowing, chest heaving.. [ she runs into the hallway ] Wait! Youforgot your coat. [ hands it to her ] Please, allow me to.. [ she slamsthe door behind her and runs ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

“The Boulevard of Broken Balls”

Detective…..Christopher Walken

[ a detective leans against a lamp post on a dark night in the city ]

Detective: [ singing ]
“Temptation lingers in the lamplight,
Upon her lips a shadow falls.
She loves to flirt, she loves to tease,
Beneath her skirt, some new disease.
The Boulevard of Broken Balls.

Her lovers lurk in every doorway
With prices written on the walls
So if you’re rich and have the cash,
You’ll get an itch, you’ll get a rash.
The Boulevard of Broken Balls.

You hear the whispers in the darkness
The laughter echoes and enthralls
They’re taking bets you’ll never know,
Your gigalette’s a gigolo,
The Boulevard of Broken Balls

She leaves a token of your romance,
A souvenir that hops and crawls.
You bring the crabs home to your wife,
She stabs you with a butcher knife.
The Boulevard of Broken Balls.”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 24th, 1992

Christopher Walken

Arrested Development

Jan Hooks

Arrested Development, “Tennessee”

Perot-Stockdale

Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) drops Admiral Stockdale (Phil Hartman) in the woods.

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

Walken sings “Let’s Face THe Music And Dance” throughout the studio.

Jiffy Express

Call these guys to save face when mailing late deliveries.

The Continental

The Continental (Walken) takes his time returning a woman’s glove.

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic

Ed’s (Walken) psychic readings are limited in their usefulness.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

On pudding-traversing ants.

Arrested Development performs “Tennessee”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Jan Brady.

Stalk Talk

Stalkers discuss tips and techniques in unconventional forum.

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Sinead O’Connor

Recurring Characters: Sinead O’Connor.

Super Sleuths

Sinead O’Connor

Recurring Characters: Sinead O’Connor, Audience McGee.

Arrested Development performs “People Everyday”

“The Boulevard of Broken Balls”

Detective (Walken) sings of the joys of crab lice.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 3

92c: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors

Single White Person

Pat…..Julia Sweeney
Guy…..David Spade
Hedra…..Melanie Hutsell
Graham…..Joe Pesci
Chris…..Dana Carvey

[ open on apartment ]

Pat: So, this is the apartment. Your share of the rent would be 250 dollars a month, so what do you think?

Guy: Well, space is great and I’ve always loved this building. But let’s say I move in. I like to sometimes walk around the house in my underwear. Now, would that bother you? Or…

Pat: No, I like to do the same thing!

Guy: You know what? 250 is a little steep. I’m scared I might see you naked, I’m just gonna keep lookin’. Thanks a bunch.

[ he runs out ]

Pat: Hey. Wait a minute.

[ Hedra enters ]

Hedra: Hi, I’m Hedra. Are you Pat?

[ title slide appears ]

Hedra: Wow! This place is really great. [ sees photo frame ] Who’s this?

Pat: Oh, that’s Chris. We broke up, that’s why I need a new roommate.

Hedra: Oh, that’s too bad. I’d really love to live here.

Pat: Well. When can you move in?

Hedra: Really? I can live here? With you?

Pat: Well, sure!

Hedra: You’re the greatest! I mean really. Just look at you! You have this great personality…

Pat: Oh c’mon!

Hedra: This great sense of style. You’re mysterious, and enigmatic, and that draws people to you!

Pat: Really?

Hedra: All my life, I’ve been so transparent. Little mousy Hedra. Shy and sweet with dangerous emotional problems. But you, you’re so wonderfully complicated.

Pat: Oh, well you’re not so bad yourself.

Hedra: Who are you kidding? Just look at you. We are in completely different leagues!

[ dissolve to Two Weeks Later ]

Graham: So Pat, how’s the new roomie working out?

Pat: Graham. I’m not so sure, Hedra’s a little odd. Yesterday I was missing a pair of tube socks, and I found them in her room!

Graham: Tube socks? Pat, listen to me, I have to tell you something, and it’s not just because I’m your best friend, I’m gay, and I live upstairs. But, this Hedra woman, is crazy. I mean something is very wrong with her. She’s obsessed with you.

Pat: Oh, this is madness!

Graham: Well you can’t see it, because you’re too close to it.

Pat: But why would she be obsessed with me?

Graham: Well maybe she’s in love with you. Maybe she’s gay… or straight… or or bi… I don’t know, all three.

[ Hedra enters, dressed like Pat ]

Hedra: Pat? Are you home? I have a surprise for you.

Pat: You’ve got to be kidding!

Hedra: I didn’t think you’d mind. I really love my new look.

Pat: Your look? That’s my look!

Graham: Just look at the two of you. You look like broth… sis… twins. Well, I should be going, Pat. I’ll see you. [ whispering ] She’s obsessed, obsessed.

Pat: Hedra, there’s something I need to tell you. You might have to find a new place to live. Chris is coming over tonight and we’re thinking about patching things up.

Hedra: Oh, Chris, yeah. Chris called, and said you should meet across town at Joel Grey, Joel Grey’s Stakehouse.

Pat: Our place! I’d better hustle.

[ Pat rushes out ]

Hedra: Goodbye, Pat!

[ a knock at the door ]

Chris: Pat, it’s Chris.

Hedra: One second, my darling! [ she turns off the lights and hops on the settee ] Come in!

Chris: Where? Where are you?

Hedra: Over here!

Chris: Do you have a cold?

Hedra: Yeah. Come here and let me give it to you!

Chris: In the dark, you look like k.d. Lang. [ Hedra pounces Chris ] Wait a minute, wait you’re squeezing them! You’re not Pat!

[ Chris jumps up and turns on the lights ]

Chris: Hedra!

[ Hedra knocks Chris to the ground, as Pat rushes in ]

Pat: Oh my God! Hedra, what have you done? You’ve hit Chris with one of my brown penny loafers from Fava!

Hedra: You… bitch. I mean, you son of a bitch! I mean… you creep!

[ Graham rushes in ]

Graham: Oh my God! Get her Blossom!

[ Graham’s cat attacks Hedra ]

Pat: Oh, thank you, Graham.

Graham: What are gay upstairs neighbors for?

Pat: Chris! Chris, you’re still alive!

Chris: Pat? Is it you?

Pat: Yes.

[ they make out ]

Graham: Well, I know when I’m not needed.

Jingle:
“It’s time for androgyny That’s just Pat!”

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Green & Fazio

Barry Green…..Phil Hartman
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Defending Lawyer…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, Barry Green’s law office ]

Barry Green: Have you been in an accident? Have you witnessed an accident? Have you suffered psychological damage from hearing someone describe an accident he saw?
Hello, I’m Barry Green, of the law firm of Green & Fazio, here with another Litigation Myth.
Myth #4: You cannot file for an accident in which you were not involved. False.
We at Green & Fazio realize that when an accident occurs, it’s not just those involved who suffer. That’s why we’ve pioneered in whole new areas of accident litigation, including Bystander Trauma, Phantom Whiplash, and Near-Collision Stress Disorder. Why not come in for a free consultation and let us help you collect the money you didn’t even realize you were entitled to?

[ cut to a Woman on the street ]

Woman: I’d love to sue somebody, but don’t I need a reason?

[ cut back to Barry Green’s law office ]

Barry Green: Myth #8: In order to be successful, a lawsuit must have merit. False.

At the law firm of Green & Fazio, we know that some of the most lucrative lawsuits are nuisance suits. you see, today’s large corporations and wealthy individuals would rather settle out-of-court than deal with the headaches, the harassment, of endless emotionally draining litigation. And no one harasses defendents like Green & Fazio.

[ cut to a defending lawyer talking with Green & Fazio on his cellphone ]

Defending Lawyer: Look, Green, stop harassing me! Alright, what’ll it cost to make you go away? I’d rather settle than sit in court with a lying piece of human garbage like you!

[ cut back to Barry Green’s law office ]

Barry Green: Green & Fazio. In the fight for justice, we’re on your side.

Announcer: Dial 1-500-HARASSS. The extra S is for extra harassment.

SNL Transcripts

Debate ’92

Jane Pauley…..Julia Sweeney
Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey (on tape)

Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will not be seen tonight, sothat we may bring you this NBC News Special: “Debate ’92: The Challenge toAvoid Saying Something Stupid”. And now, here is your moderator, Jane Pauley.

Jane Pauley: Good evening. I’m Jane Pauley, and welcome to St. Louisfor the first in our series of three presidential debates. Tonight’s debateamong President George Bush, Arkansas governor Bill Clinton, and diminutiveTexas billionaire Ross Perot will begin in just a moment. But first, let meintroduce my fellow panelists, CNN anchor Bernard Shaw and ABC News politicalcorrespondent Sam Donaldson. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Gentlemen. [ thethree candidates enter the arena and stand behind their respective podiums ]The first question will be asked by Sam Donaldson.

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let’s be frank. You’re running forpresident, yet your only experience has been as the governor of a small,backward state with a population of drunken hillbillies riding around inpickup trucks. The main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, aresomething out of L’il Abner, with buxom underage girls in their cutoff denimsprancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking,shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminantly at runaway hogs.

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry, Sam, do you have a question?

Sam Donaldson: My question is: How can you stand it? Don’t you loseyour mind living down there?

Bill Clinton: Sam, you must have watched too many of my opponent’sTV spots. I’m tired of the Bush campaign trying to portray my home state assome sort of primitive Third World country. The fact is, Arkansas didhave a long way to go, but we’ve made progress. When I started as governor,we were fiftieth in adult literacy, and last year, I’m proud to say, we shotahead of Mississippi. We’re #49, and we’re closing fast on Alabama. Watchout, Alabama – we got your number!

George Bush: Can I say something here? Two years ago, I went on afishing trip in Arkansas with Baker, Fitzwater, Quayle, myself. We werechased and assaulted by a couple of inbred mountain people. I was sworn tosecrecy as to those events, but suffice it to say, they felt that Dan Quayle -and I quote – “sure had a purty mouth.” Now, if that’s the kind of progressBill Clinton brought to Arkansas.. I don’t think we need it in the WhiteHouse!

Bill Clinton: That’s not fair. Just this year we passed Mississippito become 41st in the prevention of rickets.

Ross Perot: Can I jump in here? Why are we talking about Arkansas? Hell,everybody knows that all they got down there is a bunch of ignorant inbredcrackerheads! Peckerwoods, catch me? now, can we talk about the deficit?While we’ve been jabbering, our deficit has increased by half a milliondollars. That’s enough to buy a still and a new outhouse for every familyin Little Rock!

Bill Clinton: Will you shut up!

Ross Perot: Hold it there, cracker boy, I’m not finished!

George Bush: See that right there? Kind of makes you wonder whetherthese men have the temperament to be president. Would you tell Prime MinisterMajor to shut up? Would you call Boris Yeltsin a “Crackerhead”? Who wouldn’tyou tell to shut up? Because you see, this election is about who can take theheat, who you want there when that secured phone in the White House rings at3 AM. Do you want someone who will answer the phone politely: “Hello, thisis the President. Speak slowly and clearly and tell me what the problem is.”Or do you want someone who’s cranky, who says, “This better be important,” or”Do you realize what time it is?” or simply says, “Shut up!” hangs up thephone and sleeps like a baby while the world burns!

Jane Pauley: Thank you, gentlemen. Now, Bernard Shaw has a questionfor Governor Clinton.

Bernard Shaw: Yes, Governor Clinton. If Kitty Dukakis were raped andmurdered, would you favor the death penalty for her assailant?

Jane Pauley: Mr. Shaw, really. You don’t have to answer that,Governor Clinton.

Bill Clinton: No, no, I’m happy to answer that. Obviously, none of uswant to see Kitty Dukakis raped and murdered, but if she had to bemurdered I would hope it would be in Arkansas – because no state is tougheron crime. Last year we passed Florida to become #2 in executions by lethalinjection, and first in crushed by heavy stones.

Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot? Rebuttal.

Ross Perot: I was hoping we’d get into the issues, but if this is theway the game is played – fine. So, if somebody were to lay a finger on KittyDukakis, I wouldn’t kill him right away. That’d be too easy. I’d wait fora hot Texas day, see? Tie him to a stake, get an ant trail going. You know,Texas red ants, inch long! Just love to bite into human flesh, catch whatI’m saying here? See, they’re eating him alive, nice and slow like. And I’dsit with him in the shade under an umbrella, maybe with a lemonade, sit backand say to the fella, “How do you like them apples?” And he’ll be screaming,”When am I gonna die?” and I’d say, “I don’t know exactly, and frankly, Iresent your question.” Catch my drift?

Jane Pauley: THank you. Now, let’s turn to the deficit. PresidentBush, during your term, the deficit has grown by over a trillion dollars.

George Bush: I know.

Jane Pauley: Honestly now, don’t you feel some kind of tax hike willbe needed to reduce the deficit?

George Bush: Jane, the answer is no! I will never raise taxesagain! Never, ever, ever, ever.. never, ever again! And I mean never, ever,ever, ever, never ever..!!

Jane Pauley: Thank you, Mr. Presi..

George Bush: Never, ever, ever!

Jane Pauley: Mr. President, please..

George Bush: Ever, ever again!

Jane Pauley: Sam Donaldson, with a question for Governor Clinton.

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, this week the big story has been your1969 trip to Moscow, and your involvement in antiwar activities. Some haveven suggested that while in Moscow, you had meetings with KGB agents. Isn’tit fair to say that you haven’t really told the American people the fullstory?

Bill Clinton: Sam, this kind of attack shows how desperate the Bushcampaign has become. Yes, I did go to Moscow by train in 1969. And whileon the train, I struck up a conversation with a man in the seat next to me.He gave me a package to take to Moscow and instructed me to leave it foldedin a newspaper in a kiosk across from Lenin’s tomb. I’ve explained thismany times. Yes, the KGB did subsequently pay my way through law school,but that was the last contact I had with the KGB until years later whenHillary and I were having problems, and it was a KGB agent, Nikolai Kuznetsov,who let me stay at his place for a while until we patched things up.

Sam Donaldson: But isn’t it true that during one of the peacedemonstrations you burned an American flag in Red Square?

Bill Clinton: I tried to burn an American flag once. I didn’tlike it. It gave off toxic fumes, so I didn’t inhale.

Ross Perot: Can I say something here?

Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot.

Ross Perot: I think that’s just sad.

Jane Pauley: President Bush?

George Bush: Once again, it all comes down to trust. Who’s been there?I’ve been with Mitterand, I’ve met with Major, I know the White House.I know the door outto the Rose Garden doesn’t lock unless you pull it.I know the toilet in the Lincoln Bedroom will run all night unless you jigglethat handle. It’s not enough to flush it, you’ve got to jiggle it!I know Air Force One. I know that seat 8G does not fuly recline. If we areflying the Prime Minister of Canada to a trade conference, I alonecan say, “Mr. Mulroney, seat 8G does not fully recline, I suggest you useanother!”

Jane Pauley: All right, Mr. Bush, our time is up. Each candidatewill be allowed a brief closing statement. Governor Clinton?

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Jane. We’ve talked about many issues tonight.But this election is really about one thing – change. Over the last twelveyears, more and more Americans have found themselves working longer andharder for less and less. [ President Bush glances at Clinton and sees thevision of a hippy standing behind the podium ] We need to invest in ourpeople again. Because together, all of us, pulling as a team, we can do it!Thank you.

Jane Pauley: President Bush?

George Bush: My fellow Americans, this election is about leadershipand trust. Now, our opponents have tried to portray us as the party of therich and privileged, ignoring the fact that our economic program has createdmore opportunity for more Americans than in any twelve-year period in history. [ Clinton glances at President Bush and sees the vision of an old lady standingbehind the podium ] Well, let me tell you something: I’m not worth $3.3billion, and I wasn’t educated at Oxford. But I know how to lead thiscountry to victory in the Persian Gulf, and I can do it again here at home!

Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot?

Ross Perot: This whole thing fascinates me, really. See, you don’thave to be a Ph.D. at Harvard to know that our kids are going to inherit a$4 trillion deficit, and that’s just a crime. [ Clinton and President Bushglance at Perot and see the vision of a munchkin from “The Wizard of Oz” ]Now, if I’m president, we start cleaning up this mess on Day One. It’s gonnatake some sacrifice, no doubt about it. But I know the American people areready to sacrifice as long as it’s fair. This is your country, let’s take itback.

Jane Pauley: Thank you, Mr. Perot, don’t you have one last thing to say?

Ross Perot: No, I can’t. I’m on tape. [ looks at Bush ] Why don’t
you do it, live-boy?

George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts