For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
February 8th, 1986
Ron Reagan
The Nelsons
Penn & Teller
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.
Reagan explains how he’s the second most powerful person in the world.
(Repeat) See: 11/09/85.
Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Doc.
Recurring Characters: David.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 8
Miss Pregnant Teenage America Pageant
Roman Polanski…..Dudley Moore
Joan Collins…..Terry Sweeney
Cabrini Green Jackson…..Danitra Vance
Tammy Whitborough…..Joan Cusack
Terry Guthrie…..Robert Downey Jr.
Donna Marie Kelsey…..Nora Dunn
[ Still shot of city at night, over the theme music. SUPER: “Detroit, Michigan” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Louise Mandrell Pavilion in Detroit, 51 of America’s most beautiful pregnant teenagers vie for the title of … [ the program’s logo appears ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America! And here’s your host, Roman Polanski!
[ Fade to Roman on center stage in front of a curtain ]
Roman Polanski: [ Germanic accent ] Velcome. You can literally feel ze excitement here at de Mandrell Pavilion. You know, every girl here is a vinner in her own right. [ chuckles ] And it’s gonna be an almost impossible task choosing this year’s Miss Pregnant Teenage America. We started vit fifty-vun girls early this veek, but uh, yesterday, Miss Tennesee, Rhonda Lynn Walker, went into labor and gave birth to a healthy little girl, Crystal Alexis Carrington Walker. Now … vonderful, isn’t it? Now let’s meet our semi-finalists.
[ The curtain opens and the semi-finalists step out, holding bouquets and doing a choreographed dance, as the orchestra plays “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” ]
Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ]
Let’s hear it for the boy! [ They toss the bouquets into the audience ]
Let’s give the boy a haa-aaa-aand!
Let’s hear it for my baby,
‘Cause he’s my lovin’ maaa-aaa-aaan.
Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo,
But he’s my lovin’ one-man show.
Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!
[ Roman watches with amusement as they continue their choreographed dance ]
Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ]
Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo,
But he’s my lovin’ one-man show.
Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!
Let’s hear it for the boy!
Let’s hear it for the boy!
[ Applause. As the song finishes, they all gather around Roman for a seductive pose. ]
Roman Polanski: Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you! Thank you! Let’s hear it for the girls. Excuse me, my darling — [ steps past one of the finalists ] heh, in a moment, heh, we’ll meet our finalists, but first, with us here tonight, is our own, Joan Collins! Joan!
[ Applause. Joan Collins walks over to Roman ]
Joan Collins: Thank you, Roman. [ attempts to read the cue cards ] You know, this year’s crop of 51 pageant girl teens is probably the most diverse ever in the history of the pageant. Um — oh god, these cards — um, representing every race, religion, and creed, eh, with the exception of Jews.
Roman Polanski: Well, thank you, thank you very much. And um, now, let’s meet our two finalists, chosen by our judges from competitions earlier in the week, as they promenade in the evening gown competition. Miss Illinois.
[ Miss Illinois, Cabrini Green Jackson, attempts to show off her pink gown while in heels, and walks up to a microphone stand. The microphone malfunctions as she begins to speak. ]
Cabrini Green Jackson: My name is Cabrini Green Jackson, and I’m 17 years old, and I plan to use this pageant as a stepping stone toward being a model, a spokesmodel, for Planned Parenthood. That way I can educate young mens and young womens to the fact that their bodies are temples, not to be wore out.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Very touching. And now, Miss South Carolina.
[ Miss South Carolina displays her black gown with white frills, then walks over to the microphone. ]
Tammy Whitborough: Hi. Mah name is Tammy Whitborough, and ah’m 15 years old. And my goal is to identifah, locate, and evintually marry the father of my unborn chaaald.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Miss South Carolina. I’m now here with a remarkable young man, Terry Guthrie, who is responsible for impregnating not one, not two, but three of this years contestants: Miss Colorado, Miss Arizona and Miss Nevada. Now Terry, how did you do it?
Terry Guthrie: Uh, it was last summer, I worked as a tour guide at the Grand Canyon National Park, and uh, you know, we get a lot of high school groups coming through, and uh, you know, I got a pretty nice car, so. [ shrugs ]
Roman Polanski: Yes. Now, I um, I understand, I understand, Terry, that you’ve just signed up for a four-year hitch in the army.
Terry Guthrie: Yes, that is correct, sir.
Roman Polanski: And do you, do you have any advice for the young teenage men of America?
Terry Guthrie: Well, just this: [ looks at the camera ] don’t let ’em kid you, guys, all right? Contraception is the girl’s responsibility, not the guy’s!
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you. Thank you, Terry. Very nice indeed. Now, now in her part of ze talent competition, Miss Pregnant Teen Illinois shows us how important it is to give your baby every break. Whether it is the break of pre-natal checkups, the break of proper nutrition, or just plain break-DANCING!
[ Cabrini re-emerges in a gold gown and spandex, doing a break-dance routine to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Cabrini. Now, Miss Pregnant Teen South Carolina will deliver an original dramatic reading to her unborn child.
[ Tammy comes back on stage ]
Tammy Whitborough: “O little friend, down inside of me, … how did you get they-er? Who put you they-er? Why are you they-er, and how will you ever get out? These are questions unanswerable. Perhaps someday, when you will be a scientist or a doctor, you can answer these riddles of the universe. Where do babies come from?”
[ Applause. She walks offstage. ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Tammy. We’ll be right back after dis.
[ Cut to the logo in front of the blue curtain, followed by sponsor logos ]
Don Pardo V/O: The Miss Pregnant Teenage America pageant is brought to you by, Care Bears Chewable Birth Control Pills. Hello Care Bears, goodbye worry. And by Century 21 Adoption Agency. We do everything legally possible to make sure your child never learns your identity. Back to you, Roman.
Roman Polanski: [ Dudley flubs his line ] Thank you, Sem — thank you, wherever you are. I don’t know anymore. Vhile our judges tabulate the results, it’s time for us to say goodbye to the reigning Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Donna Marie Kelsey, as she takes her traditional farewell stroll.
[ As she does so, a pre-recorded tape of her voice is played over the orchestra. ]
Donna Marie Kelsey V/O: Oh, what a year it has been. First, winning the crown, then giving birth to my son, Blake Kerrington Kelsey. And of course, the travel, lugging little Blake and all his baby accessories from city to city, as we toured this great country. Now the time has come for my farewell stroll. Well, seeing as how I am pregnant again, I feel that I should not have to relinquish my crown.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Donna Marie, we’re going to miss you. Well now — some exciting news, I have za envelope wis za results. [ Walks over to Cabrini and Tammy ] One of these two girls will be the new Miss Pregnant Teenage America. Now, ze runner-up is important, because should da winner do anything to bring disgrace upon this pageant —
[ Dudley looks around and waits impatiently for the next cue card ] — though I, I-I can’t imagine what she’d have to do for that to happen — hi. Then, ze runner-up will assume her responsibilities. Now, ze big moment is here.
[ Drumroll ]
Roman Polanski: The runner up, and winner of a rare first-edition copy of Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s new book, First Love, is … Tammy Whitborough, Miss South Carolina!
[ Tammy reacts in shock. She and Cabrini hug each other. ]
Roman Polanski: And the winner, and new Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Cabrini Green Hollenbrook Jackson! Congratulations.
[ Cabrini hugs Donna, receives a bouquet and tiara from Joan Collins, then circles the stage as Roman sings. ]
Roman Polanski: [ singing ]
There she goes,
Miss Pregnant Teen America,
With that glow,
That says she’s not alone.
Though you’re in a jam any way,
We all just vant to say,
Ve adooooooore you,
Miss Pregnant Teen Americaaaaaaaaaa!
[ All the other contestants gather around Cabrini and give hugs ]
Roman Polanski: Good night, everybody! Good night!
Don Pardo V/O: [ reading the screen ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America is in no way affiliated with the Miss Knocked-Up U.S.A. Pageant.
[ Roman and the contestants wave goodbye as the logo appears again. Fade to black. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 25th, 1986
Dudley Moore
Al Green
None
Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.
Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.
(Repeat) See: 11/23/85.
Jack’s Discount Emporium
Jack…..Jon Lovitz
Abraham Lincoln…..Terry Sweeney
George Washington…..Dennis Miller
Sitting Bull….Randy Quaid
Sherlock Holmes…..Jim Downey
Tarzan…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Announcer…..Don Pardo
[newspaper with headline “Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration” spins onto screen]
Announcer [V/O]: It’s a Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration!
[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie. He is standingbehind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linensmarked “Sale”]
Jack: Hey, this is Jack of Jack’s Discount Emporium sayingcome on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday WhiteSale! [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!] This Monday, January20th, we shall overcome high prices! Mine eyes have seenthe glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads forthe low, low price of $19.99! [Flashing super: $19.99] That’sonly $19.99!
[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wallset]
Lincoln: Four score and seven — [Washington impersonatorwalks up beside him] George Washington?!?
Washington: I cannot tell a Lie, Abe! I’m going to Jack’sWarehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday WhiteSale!
[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]
Jack: I have a dream! You wanted quality linens [holdsup merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!
[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bullimpersonators standing in front of it]
Sitting Bull: [raises left hand] How…how…how do they doit?
Sherlock Holmes: [removes pipe from mouth] Elementary,my dear Sitting Bull. Low overhead means low prices!
[wipe back to Jack]
Jack: [hands above eyes] I have seen the otherside of the mountain! [lowers hands] And the prices are way,way higher! So march on down to the King! King! KingSized savings at Jack’s Warehouse Emporium!
[dissolve to graphic of store with address super]
Announcer [V/O]: Jack’s Discount Emporium, Route 23Dempster.
[Dissolve to brick wall set with Tarzan impersonator standing infront]
Off-stage voice: Hey Tarzan! You comin’ ornot?
Tarzan: [“Tarzan Yell”, beats chest]
[applause and fade]
Thanks to Ben Douwsma for this transcript!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 7
85g: Harry Dean Stanton / Dream Academy, The Replacements
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..Dennis Miller
Announcer: Now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, Im not an anchorperson, but I play one on TV. So heres the news. Tonights top story…
President Reagan had three small polyps removed from his colon yesterday. Doctors say they are quote, clinically benign. However, there was a fourth growth in Mr. Reagan colon, which had been causing his extreme pain in his posterior region.
[ BLURRY IMAGE IS DISPLAYED ON THE NEWS SCREEN. ]
As these blurred, magnified colonoscopic pictures reveal, it was, at first, a blurred unidentifiable mass.
[ IMAGE BECOMES LESS BLURRED ]
Upon closer examination, it turned to be magnified many times as the Presidents most painful polyp yet.
[ PHOTO OF LIBYAN PRESIDENT MUAMMAR GADDAFI ]
A tad flaky, too.
[ PHOTO OF BERT CONVY ]
Incidentally, pre-production has begun on the movie biography of Col. Gaddafi and hell be played by popular game show host Bert Convy. [ pause ] I think its a breakthrough part for Bert.
[ NEWSPAPER GRAPHIC OF SUBWAY SHOOTER BERNARD GOETZ: BERNARD GOETZ GETS OFF ]
The big news in New York is about Bernard Goetz. And this Daily News headline says it all. Things do go full-circle, because if Im not mistaken, this is the same headline they used the night of the shooting.
[ ABC NETWORK LOGO ]
ABCs recent takeover by Capital Cities announced plans to send drug-sniffing dogs into the offices to enforce its anti-drug policy. Sounds like grandstanding to me. Here at NBC, our parent company RCA has had a drug-sniffing pooch for years.
[ RCA NIPPER LOGO ]
This week, Nicaragua & El Salvador formed an alliance for the expressed purpose of suing Libya for keeping them off the front page of newspapers.
Tragedy struck the slopes of Mt. Rainier in the state of Washington today when a lost mountain climber had to eat the people who were rescuing him to stay alive. Anything goes above the timber line
Heres our weekly roundup of the worlds troubled spots: the Iran-Iraq border, the South Africa-Zimbabwe border. Of course, Uganda, Syria-Israel-Lebanon conflict, and lastly, Jerry Lee Lewis current marriage.
[ PHOTO OF NASAS COLUMBIA SHUTTLE ]
The troubled and plagued mission of the space shuttle Columbia finally ended this morning when the craft landed in Steven Spielbergs backyard in Beverly Hills. Spielberg, who recently bought NASA, had no comment.
[ PHOTO OF FIRST FAMILYS PET REX ]
The Reagans King Charles spaniel Rex had surgery this week at a Washington veterinary hospital. It was a tonsillectomy and required a general anesthetic.
[ PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT BUSH ]
Rex was accompanied to the hospital by Vice President George Bush, who stood by in case of an emergency, requiring the standard transference of power in such situations.
[ BLURRY PHOTO OF GEORGE HAMILTON ]
Biblical archaeologists working in the Sudan this week, uncovered what they believe to by the uncovered shroud of George Hamiltons tan. A spokesman for the Our Lady of Our Band of Soleil said that the authentication process will take place in late February near the poolside of the MGM Grand.
[ PHOTO OF JOHN ASTIN & PATTY DUKE ]
Patty Duke, recently divorced from John Gomez Astin, was remarried this week. The actress, who won an Oscar for her performance in The Miracle Worker — [ PHOTO OF LURCH FROM THE ADDAMS FAMILY ] exchanged vows with Lurch in a private ceremony.
[ THE MATHEMATICAL (PI) SYMBOL ]
Tonights winning lottery number is Pi.
[ Audience goes in uproarious laughter. ]
I like that one, too. If you have a ticket with Pi, and it figures out to infinity, bring it on down! Because we pay out to 3.14 to 6-1. Okay?
The New England Association of Summer Camps predicts next summers most popular camp song will be Maria Shriver-Schwarzenegger-Jingleheimerschmidt.
Heres the holiday schedule in observation of Martin Luther King Jr. birthday. The following will be closed: government offices, post offices, libraries, schools, banks, parts of Palm Beach, Florida and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
A bus crashed in Ecuador today, leaving 30,000 dead, 15,000 injured and 200,000 homeless.
For a printed transcript of the preceding joke, send three dollars to:
The Preceding Joke
Saturday Night Live
Washington, D.C. 20001
Dennis Miller: Well listen, folks! Thats the news & I am outta here! Good night ladies and gentlemen!
[ FADE ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Herb Makes A Statement
…..Dennis Miller
Herb…..Randy Quaid
[ open on a crowd people chanting “We Want Herb!!” at a press conference ]
Dennis Miller: We’re here, live, at New York’s Sheraton Center for a press conference, called by Burger King, where the legendary Herb will make his first public appearance. There’s an air of excitement here, as we all wait for Herb – yes, the mysterious Herb, the only man in America who’s never had a Burger King Whopper. Here he comes.. let’s watch!
[ Herb is wheeled out in a wheelchair by Burger King officals, who hand him a microphone ]
[ SUPER: “Herb” ]
Herb: Hello, my name is Herb. I have asked for the opportunity to address you toda,y so that I can set the record straight as to why I have never had a Burger King Whopper.
[ reads text ]
“About 12 years ago, I made my first visit ever to a fast food restaurant, in this case, a competitor of Burger King. I had been playing basketball all morning, and had worked up quite an appetite, so I ordered a large Coke, fries, and a special cheeseburger. I had no problem with the fries or the Coke, but when I bit into the cheeseburger, my body went into a severe state of anaflectic shock; an extreme allergic reaction to the glue, which this particular fast food chain used to hold its hamburgers together during lengthy cross-country shipping. When I awoke in the hospital several hours later, I was informed by the doctors that I would be confined to a wheelchair, probably for life. Ever since that experience, I have felt uncomfortable about eating at any fast food restaurant, and have suffered from a phobia, probably unwarranted, that my first bite of a Whopper might prove fatal. It is for this reason, and this reason alone, that I have never had a Burger King Whopper. I wish to stress that I bear the fast food industry no ill will for what has happened to me. I have the highest regard for the Burger King Corporation, and understand that Burger King is involved in many worthwhile civic projects. I do ask, however, that in the name of simple decency, that I be spared the incessant negative publicity and invasion of my privacy, which their advertising campaign has generated, and that I be allowed to live out the remainder of my life in peace. Taht is all I have to say, thank you for listening.
[ camera pans out across the reporters, as Herb is wheeled away ]
Dennis Miller: Well, uh.. there you have it folks.. Herb. The only man in America who hs never had a.. Burger King Whopper. [ a note is handed to Dennis ] Well, this just in.. [ reads note ] Well, here’s some good news – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 18th, 1986
Harry Dean Stanton
Dream Academy
The Replacements
Sam Kinison
The Replacements, “Bastards of the Young”
(Repeat) See: 11/23/85.
Recurring Characters: Latoya Marie.
Cabrini Green Meets the Gifted Wrapper
Cabrini Green … Danitra Vance
The Gifted Wrapper … Damon Wayons
[Gift wrapping counter at a department store. Asatisfied customer receives a wrapped package from theguy behind the counter and exits just as CabriniGreen, the oft-pregnant teen, arrives with an item ofher own.]
Cabrini Green: Uh, could you wrap this presentfor me, please?
[The guy behind the counter raps as he wraps — andCabrini answers with raps of her own:]
The Gifted Wrapper:
Well, say no more
You’re on the right floor
An’ I’m ‘a give you more
Than you bargained for
See, I’m the Gifted Rapper and this is what I do
I wrap your package while I rhyme to you
This is my job all year around
And when I’m not doin’ this, I’m out on the town
See, I started as a deejay, playin’ funky songs
Then I got another job to fall back on
Cabrini Green:
Oh, hey, young man, your rap is really good
And I don’t want to be misunderstood
But could you wrap it?
Just wrap it!
Just take the tape and just wrap it!
The Gifted Wrapper:
Chill out, Miss Lady, and check out this
‘Cuz this here rhyme is on your shoppin’ list
All this crazy buyin’ only makes me fear
That people only love each other once ayear
Cabrini Green:
Hey, homeboy, I really gotta say
You rappin’ wrapper, just wrap away
Just wrap it!
Just wrap it!
Just wrap-a-wrap-a-wrap-a-wrap it!
The Gifted Wrapper:
You shouldn’t wait till Christmas to think about yourfriend
‘Cuz, December twenty-fourth, his life could end
Some Christmas spendin’ money you ain’t got
Tryin’ to play big shot
Yeah! Ha ha ha!
Cabrini Green:
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
The Gifted Wrapper:
But, if you promise me this: You keep my words inmind
The next time you come, I’ll spare you therhyme
Cabrini Green:
Ho ho ho! I hear what you say
I won’t save the love for only Christmasday
The Gifted Wrapper:
‘Cuz every day is special when you love each otherright
Cabrini Green and The Gifted Wrapper: [into thecamera]
So, live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight!
Submitted Anonymously
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
… Dennis Miller
Mr. X … Don Novello
[TEASER:]
[SUPER: COMING UP NEXT – Video of an airport employeecarrying a blue suitcase — a zealous dog hangs fromthe luggage by its mouth. The dog is then seenwrestling the suitcase on the ground.]
Don Pardo V/O: Coming up on Weekend Update: theReagans get a new dog! …
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
[A Statue of Liberty, standing against a red-hued sky,holds a GE light bulb in its upraised arm. SUPER:WEEKEND UPDATE / DENNIS MILLER]
Music Intro: Theme from TV series”Bonanza”
Don Pardo V/O: Now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to an unusuallysedate Dennis sitting at the WU desk with his penciland sheaf of news bulletins.]
Dennis Miller: Well, thank you. Thank you, all.You’re having my baby.
Tonight’s top story– Well, Paul Castellano was let goby the parent company earlier this week. Anonymoussources cite creative differences as the reason forthe abrupt dismissal which took place at curb leveloutside the Spark Steak House on Manhattan’s EastSide. That’s the Spark Steak House where beef is thespecialty of the house but, occasionally you’ll hearthe word “duck” bandied about. …
Earlier this week, Governor Mario Cuomo said there’sno such thing as the Mafia. Yeah, this is the kind ofguy you want in the White House, huh? …
We’ll have more on this Mafia story later in thenewscast.
That big General Electric-RCA takeover deal has hit asnag. GE has stopped payment on its 6.28 billiondollar check saying they didn’t know NBC was cancelingRobert Blake’s “Helltown” series. … GE says, “NoHelltown, no deal, no six billion dollars.”…
Here are the results of our most recent Weekend Updatepoll. We asked fourteen hundred Americans all acrossthe country, “What’s the deal?” Fifty-two percent of’em said they didn’t know what the deal was.Forty-five percent wondered if we could rephrase thequestion. And four percent thought we were talking tothe person in back of them. …
Authorities in Connecticut say that a squirrel mayhave caused the power outage that cut off electricityto over two hundred thousand homes last night.[Doctored photo of a tree full of electricalappliances.] Officials say the squirrel plugged in toomany appliances at the same time … tripping circuitbreakers throughout the state. No charges have beenfiled against the squirrel because, after all, comeon, he IS a squirrel. …
Doctors conclusively proved today that television starLeonard Nimoy is actually a space alien named Spock…. The report was completed after extensive physicaltests and careful scrutiny of Mr. Nimoy’s poetry. …Paramount Pictures also announced that Mr.Nimoy-slash-Spock would not appear in the next “StarTrek” film. The character of Spock, however, willappear in the film portrayed by ABC News White Housecorrespondent Sam Donaldson. [Side by side photos ofLeonard Nimoy as Spock and the Vulcan-like SamDonaldson] … [cheers and applause, Dennis runs hishand through his hair] Yeah, I love Sam’swork.
The National Board of Education’s “Write the Script toRocky IV Before You See the Movie” contest had to becanceled this week when seventeen hundred andfifty-two entries tied for first place … correctlyduplicating the written screenplay right down to thelast comma.
A sad note. The staff of Weekend Update has justlearned of the passing of one of our nation’s greatestpresidents — George Washington. Once again, GeorgeWashington, dead, in 1799. …
Continuing our coverage of the recent Mafia killing,we here at Weekend Update have come across a personwho has links to the underworld who wishes to be aninformant. We have promised him that we would protecthis identity by covering his eyes and we will refer tohim only as “Mr. X.” [turns to a mustachioed Italianman seated beside him] Hello, Mr. X. Now, I understandthat–
Mr. X: [thick Italian accent] That – that isnot-a my real name, Mr. X. It’s just a disguise name.
Dennis Miller: Mm hm.
Mr. X: I don’t even have an X in my name.
Dennis Miller: Okay. [clears throat] Weunderstand that and we also understand you have astatement you wish to make.
Mr. X: That’s right. I would like to make astatement. … [A small black rectangle issuperimposed over Mr. X’s eyes but fails to concealhis identity as, almost every time he moves his headslightly, his eyes appear on camera. Throughout thesketch, the camera operator struggles to keep Mr. X’seyes covered by the rectangle. Mr. X reads:] “Lastyear, upon the graduation with honors, almost, fromthe Mafia Training School, I was offered a job with-athe Tartuffe family and they offered-a me a job as atrainee for three hundred dollars a week. But theydidn’t pay me that much. They said they would but theydidn’t do it. And they said I would be Mafioso traineebut they made-a me work in-a the mail room. And otherjobs worse-a than that. And I’m a graduate of theMafia Training School!”
Dennis Miller: That’s it? That’s–? That’s allyou have to say? Just that? That they didn’t pay youenough for–?
Mr. X: They did – They did pay me three hundreddollars — for one week. But then they loweredmy salary. They gave me less just because of onelittle mistake. So that was it. One littlemistake.
Dennis Miller: Well, what was themistake?
Mr. X: Well, I took a– First-a job they gaveme was as a chauffeur. And it wasn’t -was not achauffeur for Don Tartuffe, was a chauffeur for hiswife, Mrs. Tartuffe. She had to go to this lodgemeeting. Eleanor Duse-a Lodge. She said that she wouldbe one hour — one hour only, that’s it. I waited formore than an hour. I went for just a cup o’ coffee.You know what I mean? I come back. She was-a gone. Allof the women was gone. And I thought, I gotta go homeand tell Don Tartuffe, you know, that I lost his wife.Maybe she would-a be kidnapped, I didn’t know whathappened.
Dennis Miller: Well, was she kidnapped? I mean,what happened?
Mr. X: No. She was-a home. She took a cab home.She left without me! That’s what-a she did. She said Ididn’t wait for her. She didn’t wait for ME!
Dennis Miller: I’ll bet you Don Tartuffe wasmad.
Mr. X: No, no, he was not mad at all. Wasunbelievable. He was-a very calm, you know? He justlooks at me, he says, “What time do you get to workin-a the morning?” I said, “Oh, ten, ten-thirty,eleven o’clock,” you know, right in there. He says tome, “Tomorrow, I want you here at eight o’clock. And,”he says to me, “And — wear old clothes.” They made meassistant for the gardener! And then he made me cleanout his garage and I’m a graduate of the MafiaTraining School. That’s what-a they did to me.
Dennis Miller: Wait a second, X. That’s it? Ithought you were gonna name names here.
Mr. X: I could name-a names. Giorgio the Face.I name him by name. He’s the right hand of DonTartuffe. Giorgio the Face, write that down, Giorgiothe Face.
Dennis Miller: [can’t find his pencil rightaway] Mafia stole my pen. What – what about him? Didyou – did you see him commit any crime? Did he dosomethin’?
Mr. X: Well, Dennis, he push-a me. Two times,two times he push-a. Not one time. Two times. And,another time, he hollers at me in front of all of theother men and everything, he hollers at me.
Dennis Miller: Now, Mr. X, I just don’t thinkthese people are terribly interested in your personalproblems. I mean, come on, how’s about this recentmurder? Do you know anything about that?
Mr. X: I seen it.
Dennis Miller: You saw it? You were a witness?You were there?
Mr. X: No, I wasn’t there. I seen it ontelevision. It was on all of the stations. All ofthe– And I seen it on Nightline. Ted Koppel. I namehim by name — Ted Koppel. Was his name. Red hair. Putthat down.
Dennis Miller: Koppel with a “K,” right, hm?Come on, Mr. X, I think we all saw it on television. Ithought perhaps you had some inside information. Maybeyou know why he was killed, huh?
Mr. X: Why?
Dennis Miller: Yeah, why.
Mr. X: Sure, I know why.
Dennis Miller: Well, what’s the story?
Mr. X: Somebody was mad at him. Somebody wasmad and then they shoot him. That’s what itwas.
Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. X.I’m sure we all feel a little more informed on thepressing facts. Thank you for your knowledge.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face, remember that!
Dennis Miller: [writes it down] Giorgio theFace.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face!
[Cheers and applause for Mr. X.]
Dennis Miller: Mr. X. Mr. X, a veritable fountof Mafia information.
This just in: Godot finally showed up. … He was rudeand we asked him to leave. …
Well, that’s the news. And guess what? I’m out o’here. Have a merry Christmas. Thank you verymuch.
[Cheers, applause and John Williams’ theme from the1978 movie “Superman” as we pull back and fadeaway.]
Submitted Anonymously
Penn and Teller
… Penn Gillette
… Teller
Teri Garr: [still wearing her fur-trimmed redbikini top from the previous sketch] Ladies andgentlemen, Penn and Teller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to illusionistsPenn and Teller in front of a corrugated metal wall.Teller, a small man who seldom speaks, is strappedinto what appears to be an electric chair. Penn, atall man in gray suit, stands nearby. Also visible isa poster of the chair labeled, AMAZING ELECTRIC BOYand ADDICTED TO AC?]
Penn Gillette: Good evening! We are Penn andTeller. My name is Penn Gillette and this is mypartner Teller. [Teller waves a hand to the crowd buthis wrists are strapped to the chair] Also known asthe Incredible Electric Boy! You’ve seen him onnational television, you’ve read about him in theGuinness Book of World Records. Teller, the AmazingElectric Boy, an incredible medical oddity that isalso educational. Doctors, nurses and medical studentswith picture I.D. admitted free!
Eighteen years ago, before Teller was internationallyknown as the Incredible Electric Boy, cute littleTeller was playing in a tree — in the biggest tree inBucks County, Pennsylvania, during a thunderstorm,with keys in his pocket and a five-iron in hisup-stretched right hand! The golf club, being thehighest point in Pennsylvania, was struck bylightning, sending an estimated one hundred andtwenty-three million volts of electricity through thegolf club, through the Electric Boy’s body and throughthe tree, in its frantic search for ground! The golfclub was completely destroyed! [holds up a charred,bent club] The tree was completely destroyed! [holdsup purported X-ray of Teller’s thigh] The keys werepermanently wedged into Teller’s upper thigh andTeller became known as the medical oddity we know asthe Incredible Electric Boy! Wherever you are, falldown on your knees right now and thank the Almightythat YOU were not holding a five-iron over your headin Bucks County on three-oh-four p.m., Augustseventeenth, 1967!
While you’re down there on your knees, also givethanks that during– due to the miracles of modernmedical science, Teller has been able to live a fairlynormal, although personally empty, life! With a veryfew exceptions, Teller’s been denied physical contactwith would-be friends and lovers for fear that onecaress or handshake would spell DEATH to the veryperson he was trying to learn to love! Having becomean AC addict, his lonely life is also tethered to thelength of the available extension cords to the nearestoutlet!
And now — avoiding the spirit of morbidsensationalism and only in the name of the advancementof science — we bring you Teller, the Electric Boy, aliving human oddity! [off a generator next to thechair] This device right here keeps Teller’s brainfunctions and body functions operating at a slowcrawl. I will now turn them up and demonstrate whatGod in His quirky wisdom has chosen to bestow on thisnondescript vessel. [turns up the juice, meters on thegenerator inch upward] He now has four hundred andtwelve volts at seventeen amps coursing through hissystem. This is enough raw electrical power to killsix two hundred pound men, providing they’re standingbarefooted in water, holding hands.
[carries long thin bulb to a woman in the crowd] Iwill now take this perfectly normal, standard GEfluorescent light bulb. Ma’am, would you stand uphere, from the audience? [hands her the bulb] Wouldyou look at this light bulb? Are there any wireshitched to it in any way? Are there any battery packs?[guides woman on stage] Would you come up here, nearTeller, the Incredible Electric Boy and, please,without touching his body with your flesh, touch thelight bulb to him — and watch the electrons getexcited! Bring it right down there, ma’am. There’s nodanger to you at all. [Woman lowers bulb to Teller’sarm] That’s right. Bring her right over here. [thebulb lights up] Okay, now, you’re supplying theground, ma’am. Bring it in closer. Look at this. Now,move a little bit closer there, then move away. Slideit across him, ma’am. Jeez O’Crow, you could read bythat sucker! [takes bulb, to woman] Thank you verymuch! Go away!
[Applause for woman who retreats to her seat. Penncranks up the generator.]
And now, we turn up the voltage and, through thewonders of fully insulated rubber insole boots [tapsboot] and nerves of steel, we will present this livingreligious tableau entitled “God Giving Life to Adam”!I play the part o’ God. This is great. [Penn toucheshis index finger to Teller’s wrist – sparks fly] Whoa,ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay! [Penn cranks up the voltageagain – by now, Teller is shaking] We turn up a littlebit more and we see — a little bit more right here –that electricity’s older sister, fire, is also givenbirth by the Amazing Electric Boy. [touches the end ofa fire-eater’s torch to Teller’s wrist, the torchignites] Goodness gracious, look at that, will ya?
[Penn, a talented fire-eater, tilts his head back andswallows the flame, crowd applauds. Meanwhile,Teller’s eyes are bugging out and he tremblesviolently.]
Teller! [laughs at Teller] I think – I think you’reoverplaying it a little bit, Teller. Just put it downa bit. [Teller stops shaking and stares at Penn,offended.] I don’t mean to drop it entirely but, see,the thing is, when you play it up like that, you dothe whole shaking thing, it looks like a SaturdayNight Live sketch. It doesn’t look like you’ve reallygot the volts going through ya, you know? [Upset,Teller rises and crosses his arms — the leatherstraps around his wrists and neck were not reallykeeping him in the chair.] Now, I wanted to say. Now,let me just tell ya– Let me try it this way, Teller.[to the crowd] Ma’am? If I had just said it was onepoint seven megahertz at seven hundred fiftymilli-amps — that’s the real amount, and it’s onlycomin’ off this plate here. [indicates a plate in thearm of the chair, talks to Teller] If we try to sellit as real instead of doin’ that whole bug-out eyething like it was some sort of big deal, man– I mean,the way we did it, you know, we could’ve gotten RandyQuaid and Terry Sweeney, you know. And he prob’ly -prob’ly’d done it in drag and get some laughs, yaknow?
[Teller takes off his straps and throws them downangrily] Now, just cool out, man. I don’t mean to getall panty-bunched, I’m tellin’ ya that, uh, that it’snot that big a deal. We shoulda played it for real,man. Magic does not work on TV. [Teller gestures forPenn to sit in the chair] Now, now, Teller’s tryin’ topoint out that, it is – it is a good-sized tingle,man. [to Teller] Now, just sit down in the chair andwe’ll do– [to the crowd] We had this great finish,the Peace on Earth Goodwill toward Men Living ElectricChristmas Tree. [to Teller] Now, go ahead–
[But Teller pulls out a larger leather neck strap forPenn and snaps it noisily, gestures for Penn to sit inthe chair.]
Okay, man, sure, sure. Turn it down. [turns down thegenerator] You want me to do that, huh? Okay.[explains to the crowd] I have not run through hisbefore but I’m sure it’s not that bad. It’s a littlebit of a tingle. [Penn removes his jacket, to Teller]I’ll do it, man. Okay? [to bandleader Howard Shore]Hit it, Howard!
[The SNL band plays mellow version of “O ChristmasTree” as Penn climbs cautiously into the chair andTeller straps him down.]
[to the crowd] If this would have been Teller, then Iwould have had lines to cover this whole thing but–[Teller hangs a bundle of blue fluorescent light bulbsaround Penn’s neck.] These are just fluorescent tubes,here. They’re not gonna hurt that much, I don’timagine. [Teller cranks up the generator, the bulbslight up, Penn reacts] Whooo! [Penn laughs nervously,trembles] It’s a little bit of a tingle. It’s not –not bad at all. [Teller puts a candy cane-shaped bulbin Penn’s hand — it promptly glows] And this is thecandy cane, symbolizing, I suppose, food for everybodyon Christmas. There’s definitely a feel to this.[Teller hands Penn a green wreath-shaped bulb whichglows and tries to stick a star-shaped bulb on Penn’shead. As he does so, he flips the long fluorescentbundle to reveal MERRY XMAS printed on itsback.]
Merry Christmas, everybody!
[Applause. Teller waves gleefully to the crowd. Penncontinues to shake as we fade out.]
Submitted Anonymously