Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]
Well, this week we found out that sometimes a guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous. Internal documents show that Facebook knew its platform was used to spread hate and information but they hid the evidence. Now, the weird thing is I went to school with Mark Zuckerberg and I was there when he created Facebook. And I feel terrible. I mean sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to college and find Mark and say, “Hey man, can I be part of your company?”
Facebook is also denying a report that says using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image, which explains their rival’s new slogan “TikTok, bring your fat ass over here”.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Instagram logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week Instagram was down for an entire day, forced many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok or hosting SNL. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian hosting SNL monologue]
Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same way I do. By paying white women to say some nasty stuff.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell smiling with his thumbs up at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, McConnell has agreed to a deal to temporarily raise the debt ceiling through early December. And then at that point, it’ll be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut.[Picture changes to Joe Biden]
Yesterday, president Biden issued a historic proclamation for indigenous people’s day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headrest. Indigenous peoples’ day by the way will be observed simultaneously with Columbus day. [listening to his headset] And this just in, Columbus day has forced Indigenous Peoples’ day to move to a worse day.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York map at right top corner.]
Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that ahead of the deadline for all New York city schools’ employees to get vaccinated, more than 18,000 employees got at least one shot last week. And hopefully some of them got the vaccine too.[Picture changes to R. Kelly]
In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking conviction, YouTube has removed two channels linked with the singer. One for his singing and the other about how to remove stains.[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Bill Cosby and R. Kelly at left top corner.]
It’s been a pleasure working here.
Colin Jost: [laughing] Bill Cosby said he thinks R. Kelly “Got railroaded” following the singer’s sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of “Not Helping” magazine.