Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Last week, the impeachment of Donald Trump ended with an acquittal in the republican controlled senate. Here to talk more about it is the lady who screams outside my window, Cathy Anne.[Cathy Anne slides in]
Cathy Anne: Hey, hey! Michael Che! Oh, please tell me you are my gift for my birthday.
Michael Che: It’s your birthday today?
Cathy Anne: Yeah! I’m turning 21.
Michael Che: You’re 21?
Cathy Anne: Yeah! Can you believe it? I’m finally legal.
Michael Che: Well, you are a lived in 21 year old.
Cathy Anne: Oh! Well, thank you for noticing.
Michael Che: Alright, so what have you been up to?
Cathy Anne: I went back to school.
Michael Che: You did?
Cathy Anne: No! Of course not. What the hell do you think this is? Pretty woman? No. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I got folded up in my sleeper couch and forgotten about.[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Are you okay?
Cathy Anne: Um, let’s just say that fat masses in Cinderella were much nicer than the ones I was stuck with. Okay?[Cut to Cathy Anne] They didn’t make me a dress so much as choose through the crotch in my sweatpants. Look.[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che. Cathy Anne is showing Michael Che her sweatpants.
Michael Che: No! No! No! So, what do you think of the senate acquitting Donald Trump?
Cathy Anne: That weren’t no damn trial! It ain’t even got witnesses. [Cut to Cathy Anne] You know what? I wish I could have a trial with no witnesses. However, I seem to always make my transgressions in very public places. And I mean, also, Mick McDonald said they weren’t gonna find him guilty before the damn thin even started.[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Mick Mc–
Cathy Anne: [yelling] Mick McDonald!
Michael Che: Okay!
Cathy Anne: You heard it wrong. I said it right.
Michael Che: Sure. Sure. So, you agree with the–
Cathy Anne: Your Weekend Update don’t know Mick McDonald!
Michael Che: [laughing] You agree with the people calling a cover up?
Cathy Anne: Cover up? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Who you covering? It’s all out in the open, okay? That’s like the time that Ikea got rocked in on me pants down [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] just spider squatting over the display toilet. And I tried to say, “It’s not what it looks like!” [Cut to Cathy Anne] Spoiler alert, it was more than it looked like.[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Oh! Oh god!
Cathy Anne: You ever had those meatballs at Ikea? Whoo!
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, please!
Cathy Anne: This trial is so damn corrupt, Trump’s already going after anybody that did testify. I mean, you’ve heard that Lieutenant Colonel and his twin brother who didn’t even have nothing to do with it. Who the hell they think? He’s gonna parent trap himself coz he’s so desperate to get back there? That’s like baby Jessica. Getting rescued and then turned around and cannon ball back into the rail. [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] Ah! She’s fine!
Michael Che: So, you think it was a good idea to impeach him? Coz some people say it could hurt the democrats chances in the election.[Cut to Cathy Anne]
Cathy Anne: No, no, no! What’s gonna hurt the democrats is all the damn in Friday. I mean, why they keep going after each other about this idea of political purity. Hello! It’s politricks! We know they pure, but it’s necessary. I don’t go to red roof in and put a black lot to the sheets. I know exactly why them sheets is crunchy. But I still need a place to lay low first of all.[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, you are on fire!
Cathy Anne: Oh, you heard about that?
Michael Che: What?
Cathy Anne: When I caught fire. Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I was running into a Pollo Loco, I tripped and fell ass first into a fire grill.[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]
Michael Che: What were you doing running up into a Pollo Loco?
Cathy Anne: Well, I wasn’t really running into a Pollo Loco. I was running away from the Pizza Hut next door.
Michael Che: Why?
Cathy Anne: Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] turns out it’s true what they say. You can do all the crack in the world, but you still can’t out pizza the hut![Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Alright! Well, I think that’s enough. You have anything else you wanna say?
Cathy Anne: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go Parasite!
Michael Che: Oh, you like that movie?
Cathy Anne: No, no! I want my parasite to go.
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!
Cathy Anne: My birthday party’s at Michael Che’s. Everybody is invited.
Michael Che: No it’s not. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.