Devin… Pete Davidson
Pastor Pat… Bobby Moynihan
Mr. Drubbler… Jay Pharoah
Bethany Opsal… Aidy Bryant
Ryan Welty… Kyle Mooney
Colleen Chapin… Cecily Strong
[Cut to people going in the church]Male voice: It’s Christmas and you know what that means. It’s time for you annual trip to church with your parents.
[rock music stars playing]And you’re in luck coz this year, St. Joseph’s church is going full throttle. With our one night only, Christmas Mass Spectacular. We’ve got appearances by all your church favorites. Like, Devin. [Cut to Devin] The newly atheist teen who is making a point of not saying the prayers.
[Cut to Pastor Pat who is sleepy]Pastor Pat who sings everything at constantly changing speeds.
[Cut to Pastor Pat singing in different speeds.]Pastor Pat: [singing fast] For glory and honor’s is yours almighty father,
[singing slow] forever and ever
Male voice: And Mr. Drubbler, who is eager to say ‘Peace be with you’ while holding out the sweatiest hand you’ve ever seen.
[Mr. Drubbler gives his hand to shake]Still not sold? Well, we got organist Linda Tayhoe. [Cut to Linda Tayhoe playing organ]
Watch her take 20 minutes to arrange her sheet music and still start on the wrong chord.
[Linda Tayhoe is playing organ all wrong] [Cut to Bethany Opsal with the choir group.]Plus, teen soloist, Bethany Opsal who is up there in the choir trying hard as hell.
Bethany Opsal: [singing]Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path
Male voice: Yeah! And don’t miss St. Joseph’s back to back liturgical readers. [Cut to Ryan Welty walking to the podium to speak] 12 year old Ryan Welty who really doesn’t wanna be doing this.
[Ryan Welty reads from the bible but it’s unintelligible because he’s speaking fast and unclear.] [Cut to Colleen Chapin]And 44 year old Colleen Chapin who really, really does.
Colleen Chapin: [liturgical reading] A reading from Paul to the Corinthians. Take, eat…
[Cut to an old man sleeping]Male voice: Looking for even more fun? Check up the Sherman where you’ll hear the softest Pastor joke followed by the softest parishioner laugh.
[Cut to Pastor Pat]Pastor Pat: The wise men had to follow the north star for three weeks. And back then, they didn’t have map quest.
[Cut to Beck in the church slightly laughing alone.]Male voice: And who’s that over there? [Cut to Filipino ladies filling up the church seats] It’s rows and rows of little Filipino ladies you’ve never seen before. But they must live nearby because this is their church. Plus, here all 44 verses of “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” We’re not skipping the Latin verses this mass.
[Cut to people in church singing in Latino.] [Cut to Leslie talking to a person next to her.]Leslie: Ay, is this song still about Jesus?
[Cut to Pastor Pat shaking hands with everybody]Male voice: And at the end of the service, stay and have your mind blown by watching Pastor Pat walk to his house. [Devin is watching Pastor Pat.] It’s connected to the church. Trying to catch a quick glimpse inside. Wow, it’s just a little table in there. So, this Christmas, come to St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular. It’s church but on a Thursday.