Carlie… Pete Davidson
Bodega Cat… Kenan Thompson
Cockroaches… Cecily strong, Melissa Villaseñor
Bodega Virgin Mary Candle… Kate McKinnon[Starts with video clip of Big Nick’s Bodega store] [Cut to Chris Redd, John Mulaney and Charlie inside the store]
Chris Redd: Just skills, and do you have a bottle of water?
John Mulaney: Sure. You want it super-hot, or solid block of ice?
Chris Redd: Never mind.
Charlie: Hey man, do you have a bathroom?[Cut to John Mulaney]
John Mulaney: A what?[Cut to Chris and Charlie]
Charlie: A bathroom. Like a bathroom I can use.
Chris Redd: Dude, did you just ask to use a bathroom in Bodega?
Charlie: I mean, what? Who cares, it’s an emergency.[Cut to John Mulaney. John Mulaney shows Charlie the key to the bathroom, chained to a heavy cement block]
John Mulaney: Would you like the key to the bathroom?[Cut to Chris and Pete]
Chris Redd: Charlie, if you do this I don’t think we can be friends anymore man.
Charlie: Relax dude, it’s just a bathroom. I’m sure it’s fine.[Cut to John, Chris and Charlie. Charlie takes the key.]
John Mulaney: And so it shall be. Oh Bodega cat, show this man to the bathroom.[Cut to Bodega Cat]
Bodega Cat: Make a wish. Hold your breath.
Come with me and you’ll be in a world of zero sanitation
Close your eyes and avoid inhalation[Bodega Cat opens a door and steps in] [Cut to cockroaches near a very dirty toilet commode]
Cockraoches: If you want to view, take a look around and view them
All the sticky stuff is fluids
Want to know for sure put a black light to it[Cut to Charlie and Chris]
Charlie: Oh my god.[Cut to Bodega Cat and the cockroaches]
Bodega Cat: That’s right. You’re the first person to use this bathroom that’s not a dog giving birth.[Cut to Charlie and Chris]
Chris Redd: Man, what kind of creep would let a bathroom get like this?[John Mulaney joins]
John Mulaney: I did.[John Mulaney walks to the cockroaches and bodega cat]
Who can sell you condoms and Arizona ice tea
A loosie cigarettes and plantain chips
The bodega man can
Oh the Bodega man can
The bodega man can cause he mixes lots of pills
And calls the tiger sex pills
Bodega Cat: Who can make a rainbow
With cans of boiled meat
Cockroach: The Oreos are Russian and the ATM’s is Chinese
Everyone: The Bodega man can
Oh the Bodega man can
Dirty Commode: Enough! [Everyone leaves] The child is mine! He took the key, and now he must pay the ultimate price.[Cut to Charlie, Chris and Bodega Cat]
Bodega Cat: I’m sorry my son. I cannot protect you any longer.[Cut to the dirty commode]
Dirty Commode: Oh, come on. Feed me, Seymour. Feed me![Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]
Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: Stop![Cut to Charlie and Chris]
Chris Redd: Bodega Virgin Mary candles?[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]
Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: That’s right. If no one else will protect the boy, then I will.
And I hope that someday we can erase
The memories of this horrible memory
When he needed a toilet
In a moment of shame
Dirty Commode: If you touch me you’ll understand what’s unhappiness is
Bodega Virgin Mary Candle and the cockroaches: Your worst day has begun[The dirty commode flies away] [Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]
Charlie: Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. I think I’ve learned my lesson.[Charlie tries to give the key back to John]
John Mulaney: Not yet you haven’t.[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]
Bodega Virgin Mary Candle:
Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo
We’ve got a troubling bathroom for you
Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee
We got an F from the C-D-C
What do you get when you sit on that seat
Swine, HPV and a wave of heat
Where are you at getting desperate like that
The sink is a swimming pool of rats[Cut to rat on bathroom sink]
Rat: I don’t like the look of it[Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]
Chris Redd: Wait, wait, wait ,wait, wait. You got Oompa Loompas in your Bodega.
John Mulaney: Oh, no, those are just sour patch kids that have been in the store so long, they came to life.
Charlie: Hey, listen, here’s your key back mister. I decided not to use your bathroom after all.
John Mulaney: No John Mulaney, don’t you see? It’s yours now. The bathroom, the Bodega. I’m leaving it all to you. You passed the test.
Charlie: But, what will I do with it?[Bodega cat joins]
Bodega Cat: It’s a Bodega John Mulaney. The possibilities are endless. Because there’s –
525,000 unrelated beings..
525,000 flavors of ramen..
How can we sell you one loose beer[Everyone starts joining]
There’s shampoo and hot-dogs
And the worst ever cup of coffee
And tampons on the top shelf
There’s a guy who doesn’t work here[Cut to Beck Bennett smoking and watching football] Just sitting and watching soccer [Cut to everyone] And chargers but they’re only for an iPhone three
And what about flush
that so called flush
just unwrap one
Bodega of Love
What about flush[Cut to Charlie and Chris]
Charlie: All right, I’ve decided to drop out of NYU and run this Bodega full time![Cut to everyone]
Bodega of love,
Bodega of love