Venessa Bayer
Jean… Kenan Thompson
Louis C.K.
Jemma… Cecily Strong
Waitress… Sasheer Zamata
[Starts with a scene in the beach]
Venessa: Honey, this is such a great birthday present. [Cut to Venessa and Jean sitting in a lobby] Are we hipping up to be here? I see women swimming in high heels.
Jean: Oh, you’re the hippest one here. And I think your fashion crocks are cute as heck!
Venessa: Oh! Well, I love you Jean.
[Venessa and Jean kiss]
[Louis and Jemma walk in]
Louis: Dude! No way! Jean. No way you here. Babe, I know these guys. He’s a friend of mine.
Jemma: [in bad accent] I think friends are so important.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Jean: I’m sorry. How do I know you?
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Louis: We were in that focus group together, you and me. For potato chips. This guy loved every kind. This is my girlfriend, Jemma. Say hi to them. Open your mouth and say hi.
Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma. I just got bleached. My bum still burns.
Louis: Dude, that accent is like sexy, right? You know, I know you’re itching a pound your lady friend right now.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean being confused]
Jean: Well, she’s not my lady friend. She’s my wife.
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Jemma: Babe, let’s sit with them in this cabana. So nice.
[Louis and Jemma sit with Venessa and Jean]
Jean: Oh, well, we just rented it us.
Louis: It’s for the VIP. It’s the only way we roll. Let’s party!
Jemma: Okay, babe! Come on! Remember your pace maker. Doctor told him he has a good chance he’s gonna die in me.
Venessa: What?
Louis: You know, she’s a singer. I’m her producer. Last year I left my family to become a record producer. Up-top, my man!
[Louis gives his hand to Jean for a high-five]
Venessa: Okay, we- we only have the cabana for another hour. So…
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Louis: Sing your song. What’s your song called again?
Jemma: It’s called Vacay.
Louis: Okay. After she sings this, you’re gonna want to bone your lady friend until her visor pops off her head.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Venessa: I’m not his lady. I’m his wife.
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Louis: Sing your song, babe!
Jemma: It’s called Vacay.
Louis: Okay here she goes. Here goes the beat.
[Louis starts stomping his thighs for the beat and Jemma sings horribly.]
Dude, if you don’t need to cover your bathing suit with little umbrella right now, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Let me see. Stand up. Let me see if you got one right now.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Venessa: You don’t, do you honey?
Jean: No, of course not!
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Louis: Why you lying?
Jemma: I’m thirsty. Bubbles! Bubbles!
Louis: She means champagne. How hot is that, Jean? Trust me, the first time I heard it, the little tie on my linen pants snapped and it practically flew to Mars.
Jemma: Bubbles!
Louis: Where’s the guy? I need the guy.
[Cut to everybody. Waitress walks in.]
Waitress: Hi, can I help you?
Louis: I was kind of hoping it would be a guy.
Jemma: Bubbles!
Louis: My girl wants champagne.
Jemma: And shrimps. Shrimps and bubbles.
Louis: There’s like, four of us. So, bring us like 18 pounds of shrimp.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Venessa: That’s way too much shrimp.
[Cut to Waitress, Louis and Jemma]
Jemma: I want 20 pounds of shrimp. I’m famished!
Waitress: Okay, what’s the room number?
Louis: What’s your room number, Jean?
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Jean: Um, 285.
Venessa: Jean! Why did you do that?
Jean: Because I’m stuck.
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Jemma: They should be in my video.
Louis: Babe, that’s just great idea. We want it to be like, super sexy real dudes just getting nasty with their ladies in the sand.
Jemma: Yeah, and just like shots of you two snugging. And I’ll be like, [singing] snugging in the beach on Vacay.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Venessa: No, we’re not doing that.
[Cut to Louis and Jemma]
Jemma: Don’t be shy. Girls need to feel sexy at all ages and sizes. Just have confidence! Girl power!
Louis: Dude! Our girls getting real tight. I wish you and I could talk like that. Why do you think we don’t?
[Cut to everybody. Waitress brings a bucket of shrimp and a champagne.]
Waitress: Alright, here’s your 20 pounds of shrimp, and your magnum of champagne.
Louis: Okay, can you get me like a little machete to open that with? Like the French dudes do?
Waitress: We don’t have machete.
Louis: This place sucks!
Jemma: Wait! These are tails. I don’t like shrimps with tails on them.
Louis: Well, how do you want to proceed? Well, I hate waste. Let’s give them to her.
[Jemma passes the bucket of shrimps to Venessa]
Jean: That’s fine. She’ll eat em’.
Venessa: What?
Louis: Yeah, we’ll watch your girl eat the shrimp and they can watch us fold on our backs on the pool.
[Cut to Venessa and Jean]
Jean: Yeah, get started please.
Venessa: Fine!
[Cut to everybody]
[Venessa eats one shrimp]
Everybody: First shrimp!
Jemma: Eat faster!
[Venessa eats another shrimp]
Everybody: Second shrimp!
[The End]