Cabana

Venessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Louis C.K.

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waitress… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a scene in the beach]

Venessa: Honey, this is such a great birthday present. [Cut to Venessa and Jean sitting in a lobby] Are we hipping up to be here? I see women swimming in high heels.

Jean: Oh, you’re the hippest one here. And I think your fashion crocks are cute as heck!

Venessa: Oh! Well, I love you Jean.

[Venessa and Jean kiss] [Louis and Jemma walk in]

Louis: Dude! No way! Jean. No way you here. Babe, I know these guys. He’s a friend of mine.

Jemma: [in bad accent] I think friends are so important.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: I’m sorry. How do I know you?

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: We were in that focus group together, you and me. For potato chips. This guy loved every kind. This is my girlfriend, Jemma. Say hi to them. Open your mouth and say hi.

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma. I just got bleached. My bum still burns.

Louis: Dude, that accent is like sexy, right? You know, I know you’re itching a pound your lady friend right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean being confused]

Jean: Well, she’s not my lady friend. She’s my wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Babe, let’s sit with them in this cabana. So nice.

[Louis and Jemma sit with Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Oh, well, we just rented it us.

Louis: It’s for the VIP. It’s the only way we roll. Let’s party!

Jemma: Okay, babe! Come on! Remember your pace maker. Doctor told him he has a good chance he’s gonna die in me.

Venessa: What?

Louis: You know, she’s a singer. I’m her producer. Last year I left my family to become a record producer. Up-top, my man!

[Louis gives his hand to Jean for a high-five]

Venessa: Okay, we- we only have the cabana for another hour. So…

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song. What’s your song called again?

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay. After she sings this, you’re gonna want to bone your lady friend until her visor pops off her head.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: I’m not his lady. I’m his wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song, babe!

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay here she goes. Here goes the beat.

[Louis starts stomping his thighs for the beat and Jemma sings horribly.]

Dude, if you don’t need to cover your bathing suit with little umbrella right now, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Let me see. Stand up. Let me see if you got one right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: You don’t, do you honey?

Jean: No, of course not!

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Why you lying?

Jemma: I’m thirsty. Bubbles! Bubbles!

Louis: She means champagne. How hot is that, Jean? Trust me, the first time I heard it, the little tie on my linen pants snapped and it practically flew to Mars.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: Where’s the guy? I need the guy.

[Cut to everybody. Waitress walks in.]

Waitress: Hi, can I help you?

Louis: I was kind of hoping it would be a guy.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: My girl wants champagne.

Jemma: And shrimps. Shrimps and bubbles.

Louis: There’s like, four of us. So, bring us like 18 pounds of shrimp.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: That’s way too much shrimp.

[Cut to Waitress, Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: I want 20 pounds of shrimp. I’m famished!

Waitress: Okay, what’s the room number?

Louis: What’s your room number, Jean?

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Um, 285.

Venessa: Jean! Why did you do that?

Jean: Because I’m stuck.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: They should be in my video.

Louis: Babe, that’s just great idea. We want it to be like, super sexy real dudes just getting nasty with their ladies in the sand.

Jemma: Yeah, and just like shots of you two snugging. And I’ll be like, [singing] snugging in the beach on Vacay.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: No, we’re not doing that.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Girls need to feel sexy at all ages and sizes. Just have confidence! Girl power!

Louis: Dude! Our girls getting real tight. I wish you and I could talk like that. Why do you think we don’t?

[Cut to everybody. Waitress brings a bucket of shrimp and a champagne.]

Waitress: Alright, here’s your 20 pounds of shrimp, and your magnum of champagne.

Louis: Okay, can you get me like a little machete to open that with? Like the French dudes do?

Waitress: We don’t have machete.

Louis: This place sucks!

Jemma: Wait! These are tails. I don’t like shrimps with tails on them.

Louis: Well, how do you want to proceed? Well, I hate waste. Let’s give them to her.

[Jemma passes the bucket of shrimps to Venessa]

Jean: That’s fine. She’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

Louis: Yeah, we’ll watch your girl eat the shrimp and they can watch us fold on our backs on the pool.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Yeah, get started please.

Venessa: Fine!

[Cut to everybody] [Venessa eats one shrimp]

Everybody: First shrimp!

Jemma: Eat faster!

[Venessa eats another shrimp]

Everybody: Second shrimp!

[The End]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin] Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps] [Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps] [cheers and applause]