Colin Jost
Jacob Silj
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]Colin Jost: President Trump spoke in the World Economic Forum on Thursday emphasizing his administration’s ‘America First’ policy. Joining us now to shed further light on the President’s message is the senior economic’s fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies at Georgetown, Jacob Silj.
[Jacob Silj slides in] [cheers and applause]Jacob Silj: [speaking like he has memorized it] Thank you, Colin. The Trump White House sent the world mixed messages last week about the strength of the dollar. But the president speech made one thing crystal clear. Multilateralism will not–
Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, yeah, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to interrupt.
Jacob Silj: What is it, Colin?
Colin Jost: It’s that. It’s just that you’re so, you know–
Jacob Silj: Passionate about this issue? Guilty as charged, Colin. Throw the book at me. And make sure that book is about the responsible custodianship of American global economic responsibilities.
Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t– You don’t have to shout.
Jacob Silj: Oh, my god! You did not seriously tell me to stop shouting.
Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. I did. You’re just being really, really loud.
Jacob Silj: Unbelievable. In this day and age, I happen to suffer from voice immodulation syndrome. A condition that prevents me from controlling the volume at which I speak. Voice immodulation syndrome, or VIS has been diagnosed in over zero people the United States alone. And while there still is no cure, laboratory rats with VIS do not exist.
Colin Jost: Okay. Yes. Yeesh! I got it.
Jacob Silj: Yeesh? Yeesh? Is this funny to you? I thought we were pass this. Is a wheel chair funny? Not unless there’s an injured clown in it. How about slavery, Colin? Is that funny to you? Maybe you’d like to sell your co-host over there [pointing at Michael Che] to one of your rich Harvard friend.
Michael Che: Ay! We don’t need to go there, man!
Jacob Silj: Excuse me, Michael Che. But I’m having a private quiet conversation with Colin right now.
Michael Che: Except can hear you.
Jacob Silj: Because I have a disease.
Colin Jost: Okay. Maybe you could just try to say some of the stuff in your head. No offense.
Jacob Silj: None taken. Geez, Jost, did that wig come with the suit? Good to know you have five dollars.
Colin Jost: Okay. This is my real hair, Jacob.
Jacob Silj: Everything after “None taken” was muttered under breath, Colin. You couldn’t hear it.
Colin Jost: Okay. I think we might have gotten off track a little bit.
Jacob Silj: Because of your insensitivity. Put yourself in my shoes, Colin. My life has been a waking nightmare. Imagine a childhood of crushing loneliness. Now, imagine that you’re older. And you actually find a woman who is able to see past your disease. And love the man inside. Then you go to make love for the first time. And there are your sex noises.
Colin Jost: No, we don’t need it.
[Jacob Silj is making his sex noises]Jacob Silj: Years later, imagine you’re at the gym and there’s a male dancer working out. And you say to yourself, “Boy, I’d switch for him.” He hears you. Then he admits he’s attracted to you too. Next thing you know, you’re telling that wonderful wife of 20 years that you’re going to the gym but you’re really going to Troy’s apartment. You’re cheating on her with a man all because you can’t control how loud you talk.
Colin Jost: Wow! Well, yes. That sounds– That sounds very embarassing.
Jacob Silj: Very, Colin. Very embarassing.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Jacob Silj, thank you for joining us.
Jacob Silj: [finally speaking in normal voice] My pleasure, Colin.
Colin Jost: Jacob Silj, everyone!