Lowell Fitzroy… Mikey Day
Janet Noonan… Heidi Gardner.[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A new social activist group has spared controversy online prompting many different claim that cancel culture has gone too far. Here to discuss are the group’s founders, 2 and 3.[Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan slide in]
Lowell Fitzroy: Thank you, Colin.
Colin Jost: Hi. Welcome, guys. Tell us, what exactly do you guys do?
Lowell Fitzroy: Well, we notice that everyone was getting canceled and we love that.
Janet Noonan: It’s great.
Lowell Fitzroy: But there was one group who were seemingly immune children.
Janet Noonan: So, we expose problematic kids and cancel them.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You cancel kids?
Lowell Fitzroy: That’s right. We call them out on Twitter. Here’s an example – This pig’s name is Chase Powell. He said to a famale classmate: “You don’t have a weiner, you have a bagina.” Expel him now @PineTreeElem or u support classroom harassment & stand with predators like this bile-spweing piece of sourdough bread. #chasepowellisoverparty.
Janet Noonan: [clapping] Yes! Come on! Yes.
Colin Jost: Hey, how old is that kid?
Janet Noonan: That pig? He’s five. And let me tell you, he’s going to have a hard time finding a job now. And so will this little rat we canceled – We NEED to talk about Oliver Carson. This prep school pig is a HOMOPHOBE. He asked a friend in his playgroup why she had 2 daddies and “no mommy.” Normalize bigotry, much? #FlushThisTurd. Bye!
Colin Jost: That kid looks three years old.
Janet Noonan: Oh, so you’re defending him? Interesting.
Lowell Fitzroy: These kids need to be held accountable, Colin. Like this little demon whose life we absolutely destroyed – Trick or treat, smell my feet, this pig’s name is Lily Davis. She’s white as printer paper and went as a culturally appropriating goon for Halloween. Her phone # is 714-555-0157. Do you worst, Internet. #Doxxed #BuhBye.
Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry, guys. But doxing elementary school kids cannot be healing society.
Janet Noonan: That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard either of you say. Sorry, I just don’t find Weekend Update portion of your show amusing. Never have. Sorry if that hurts.
Colin Jost: Yeah, we’re okay. But thanks so much for coming by.
Lowell Fitzroy: Wait. We have one more piece of garbage to expose – Congrats! It’s a…RACIST. Confetti emoji. This piglet CRIED when she was delivered by an AFRICAN AMERICAN doctor. Yeah, nope. The C in her C-Section stands for #CANCELED.
Colin Jost: Alright, it was a baby. The Kid Cancel, everyone.