Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.] [Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]
Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.
Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.
[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.
[Picture changes to a laptop]New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.