Denzel Commode… Kenan Thompson
Latrice Commode… Regina King
Chantel… Ego Nwodim
Darius… Chris Redd
Wendy… Cecily Strong
Tasha… Punkie Johnson[Starts with Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode in their set. They both have damaged hair]
Denzel Commode: So, it happened to you?
Latrice Commode: Your worst nightmare.
Denzel Commode: We’ve all been there. You ran out of hair product and you used Gorilla Glue instead?
Latrice Commode: And it turned your beautiful luscious mane into a hard candy shit.
Denzel Commode: Hi, I’m Denzel Commode.
Latrice Commode: And I’m Latrice Commode. And if this has happened to you, you are not alone and this is not your fault.
Denzel Commode: And you are not dumb.
Latrice Commode: Fact, everyday as many as one people fall victim to sue a Gorilla Glue in place of a beauty product. And they deserve compensation.
Denzel Commode: We all do. You should not have to go through life with hair like a lego man. Because one time you used Gorilla Glue instead of Dath Wave Greese.
Latrice Commode: We will get you moneys for Gorilla Glue or the next best thing, a life time supply of Gorilla Glue. But don’t just take our word for it.[Cut to Chantel. He has damaged hair too.]
Chantel: My name is Chantel. I ran out of leaving conditioner, so I reached for the next best thing, Gorilla Glue. Seems harmless, right? Well, it was not. And before you jokers on the internet say I should have read the damn label, I did. It just says, “Really strong glue and dangerous.” That can mean anything, Gorilla Glue. You gotta pay!
Denzel Commode: Oh, and they will or my name isn’t Denzel Commode.
Latrice Commode: It’s a mistake that can happen to anybody. Like brushing your teeth with preparation H.
Denzel Commode: Or putting on floor wax because you was ashy. Who among us?
Latrice Commode: Fact. Bug Gorilla is a multi-billion dollar industry. And we deserve half.
Denzel Commode: Or double. Here’s somebody else.[Cut to Darius. He’s wearing a doo-rag.]
Darius: My name is Darius. I used Gorilla Glue on doo-rag so it wouldn’t slip off at night when I’m doing my girl. Now, imagine my surprise when it wouldn’t come off at all. I mean, what the heck? I got to sing at a wedding in four days. Oh, we coming for you, Gorilla, tell them, baby.[Wendy walks in wearing a really nice dress]
Wendy: That’s right. And when we’re dong, we’re coming for you too, Sharpie and Silly Putty. Look what your putty did to my butt. I sat down on a —
Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. We understand what we’re up against.
Latrice Commode: We know it’s going to be hard taking a Gorilla to court and suing him over his glue.
Denzel Commode: What if he get mad and start tearing up the court room?
Latrice Commode: But that’s a risk we are willing to take. This gorilla is problematic and needs to answer for his so called beauty glue.[Cut to Tasha. She looks fine, but she has a red marking on her forehead.]
Tasha: My name is Tasha and let’s just say I tried to give myself an infinity stone little oozy did. And now it’s stuck on me permanent or whatever. And I’m not going to say it don’t look tight. Ha-ha-ha. But it burns, y’all. Damn you, gorillas.
Denzel Commode: Fact, gorillas are notorious for throwing their own doo-doo at folks. Even at little children.
Latrice Commode: So, it is not hard to believe they will also trick us into using that glue as beauty product.
Denzel Commode: Open and shut case, if you ask me.
Latrice Commode: So, if this has happened to you like it’s happened to our family [all the victims walk in and join Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode. Turns out they’re one family. Darius has his hands inside his pants.]–
Denzel Commode: Call us today. We know we can’t be the only family.
Wendy: Don’t be silenced by big gorilla.
Latrice Commode: Son, get your hands out your pants. We’re doing a commercial.
Darius: I can’t. It’s Gorilla Glue.
Latrice Commode: No, not again.
Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. So, call us at one-eighthundred-Glue. We coming for you, Gorilla.