Mellen… Jason Sudeikis
Kyrie Irving… Chris Redd
Conor McGrregor… Alex Moffat
Louis C.K. … James Austin Johnson
Jake Paul… Pete Davidson
[Starts with clips of men watching TV at home bored]Female voice: Post covid, men are staying home more than ever before and they need a day time talkshow that speaks to them. ABS thought bout it for 10 seconds and came up with Mellen! The male Ellen.
Mellen: I’m Mellen.
Female voice: Mellen, all the fun day time entertainer Ellen with the hard masculine edge. Mellen is no holds barred in your face entertainment. Mellen’s a man’s man. And you never know what Mellen might do next.
[Mellen pours a pot of sauce on a chef that’s guest on his show]Mellen just won’t high-five the audience. He’ll nut tap them too. And you bette believe there’s dancing. Awkward male dancing. Instead of the cute inspiring kids that Ellen has on, Mellen has kids who slap their teachers to get famous on TikTok.
Mellen: Someone get that kid a beer. I’m Mellen.
Female voice: And just like Ellen, Mellen’s got sneak up surprises.
[Mellen is on an interview with Kyrie Irving]Mellen: Now, Kyrie Irving, you’re still refusing to get vaccinated, correct?
Kyrie: That’s right.
Mellen: Oh, tell me more.
[a doctor is sneaking behind Kyrie Irving to give him vaccine shot in surprise]Kyrie: See. I’m just as good as a player over zoom. You know what I mean? [he gets the shot] Ah!
Mellen: Oh-oh!
Kyrie: You got me again, Mellen.
Mellen: You just got vaxed, Mellen style.
Kyrie: [laughing] I’m mad.
Female voice: Put some protein in your daytime TV with the show critics are calling “Is this real?”, and Elle’s lawyers are calling, “Cease and desist.”
Mellen: Don’t miss segments like ‘Which crypto is popping right now’ and ‘what happens if you smoke a full cigar then try to run across a football field’. Plus, we’re cooking a wild boar meat with Joe Rogan and the guy from the Ancient Aliens who might be Joe Rogan in the wig.
Female voice: And don’t miss fun audience giveaways.
Mellen: Now, if you look under your seats, everyone in your studio audience gets a wet bath towel to whip each other with.
Female voice: A week ago, Mellen was just a fan of bar stool sports and the high volume poster on 4chan. Then he agreed to dye his hair and legally change his name to Mellen. And Mellen loves pranks too.
Mellen: Like when I sent Flyers mascots Gritty to bust into random woman’s bathroom.
[Gritty kicks the door of a bathroom. There’s a woman using the bathroom.]Woman: What the [bleep]. Are you– [The woman beats hell out of the Gritty]
Female voice: Mellen will show you some entry level TikTok dances that even dads can follow. And Mellen welcomes heroic psychopaths like Conor McGregor and he gets them to open up the only way men can. While holding golf gloves.
Mellen: Conor, why do you think you punch random strangers?
Conor: It’s like this. People say dog fight. Use your word.
Audience: I can take you, McGregor.
Conor: Let’s do it right now.
Mellen: Oh-oh. And don’t miss our new segment on our male pattern baldness, ‘Keep it or clip it’, with Louis C.K.
Louis: I love this segment. I think it’s amazing. These dudes think they look cool and they suck.
Female voice: Hold that thought, Louis. Because Mellen is about to have a serious heart to heart with the man, the myth, the myth, Jake Paul.
Mellen: So, Jake, you wanna announce your next fight?
Jake: Actually, yeah I do. Yo, Mohammad Ali. I’m coming for you. In the ring. In the street.
Mellen: But I think he’s dead.
Jake: In the graveyard. You can’t hide from me forever, Ali. and it’s in the contract if I win, you hav to change your name back to Cashus Clay.
Mellen: Yo!
Female voice: Mellen, he’s the male Ellen. And that’s as far as we thought it through.
Mellen: I’m Mellen.
Female voice: Sponsored by Peyronies disease. Not the treatment. The actual disease. Just have fun with it.