Jason… Will Farrell
Heidi Gardner[starts with office colleagues getting lunch]
Cecily: Oh, I know. It’s impossible to find any vegan food in this town.
Chris: Ah! But who wants to be vegan in the south with all that delicious fried food?
Jason: Guys, time out. I have a story about the south and it’s foods. Um, gosh. How do I start this? Um, I’ll just dive right in. So, I’m taking a road trip and we stop at a Crate and Barrel. And I tell the waitress, “Hey, I’m on a diet. Is there anything in the menu you’d suggest?” And she’s like, “Sugar pie, you’re in Crate and Barrel. Even our menus have butter all over them.”
Alex: Um, Jason, I think you mean Cracker Barrel. Not Crate and Barrel.
Jason: What are you saying?
Heidi: Yeah. I was also confused. I think you meant Cracker Barrel, the kind of country restaurant.
Chris: Yeah. Not Crate and Barrel, the fine sort of upper middle range furniture place.
Jason: Oh, okay.
Cecily: Yeah. Like, if you walk into a Crate and Barrel and ask for a biscuit, they’ll be like, “We don’t have that but we have ottomans.”[everybody laughing]
Jason: I said, okay! I made a mistake. I walked into a restaurant. It had crates and barrels for their decor. Some shovels here and there. Some little signs saying quint little things. But predominantly, barrels and crates. So maybe we can let it go.
Cecily: Yeah. Um, oh, anyway, I saw the new Jumanji. They go into a video game.
Alex: Yeah. I liked it when it was a board game.
Jason: I’m not from the south, okay? Or from a Crate and Barrel kind of place. So, forgive me for making an honest mistake about something that clearly means a lot to all of you. I’m still figuring everything out.
Heidi: Jason, let it go.
Jason: You know what? You’re awful. All of you are awful.
Chris: Okay. Calm down, man.
Jason: This office is so clicky.
Chris: We- we have moved on, Jason.
Jason: [to Chris] You brought a nasty, nasty prostitute to the holiday party.
Chris: Jason, that was my daughter.
Jason: Oh, okay. So now, you know what it feels like to make a mix up? Now, you can feel the deep shame I felt when I mixed up the two restaurants.
Chris: Okay. One is a restaurant and one is a furniture place. And I didn’t mix anything up. Okay?
Alex: Yeah. You really gotta drop this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
Jason: Speaking of molehills, you don’t wear condoms.
Heidi: Jason, you don’t know that.
Jason: I’ve seen it.
Alex: You haven’t seen anything, man.
Jason: Okay. But now you know what I’m going through.
Heidi: Wait, what? No, you can’t compare mixing up Crate and Barrel with Crackle Barrel for him being sexually reckless.
Alex: What? Ay! It’s not reckless if everyone involved is cool with it, right?
Heidi: Um, okay. This is silly. Let’s just get back to work and forget.
Jason: I quit!
Cecily: This is your company. You’re our boss. You can’t quit.
Jason: Yes, I can. I’m quitting. And I’m taking all of my pens. All of them. And I’m leaving like an idiot. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Here I go. Dummy off to have a big southern meal at Cracker Barrel because I’m so stupid. I don’t even know that Cracker Barrel actually sells nicely designed furnishings for modern interiors.
Chris: Oh, Jason, you’re talking about Crate and Barrel.
Jason: Wait, what?
Cecily: You just– you did it again.
Jason: Really? Well, guess what. You’re never gonna find your birth parents.
Cecily: I’m not adopted. I know who my parents are.
Jason: Well, all I’ll say is that, you know, life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of. I won’t be back. Alright? P.S., not coming back. I’m off to find a new life without ridicule. Goodbye. And I’m taking this. [Jason carries the jar of drinking water. He’s spilling water all over the place.] I paid for the water. Geez. What a day? What a great day.
Alex: Man, what the hell is wrong with him?[Jason is looking at them from behind]
Cecily: I don’ know. You know, I don’t even know why I’m married to him. But he’s my husband and I love him.