Amy Coney Barrett… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe v. Wade. Here to comment is conservative justice Amy Coney Barrett.[Amy Coney Barrett slides in]
Amy Coney Barrett: Hi.
Colin Jost: Hi, how are you?
Amy Coney Barrett: Good.
Colin Jost: Thank you for being here.
Amy Coney Barrett: I am jazzed and juiced.
Colin Jost: Right. I’m guessing you’re pretty happy with the draft of the ruling?
Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I don’t know what would make you think that other than everything I’ve ever said. But I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question.
Colin Jost: Right there was one. Yeah, Justice Alito nodded to that in his opinion. You were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station no questions asked.
Amy Coney Barrett: That’s right, Colin. I just don’t understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what’s the big deal? Just pop it. Just do the nine and plop.
Colin Jost: Just do the what?
Amy Coney Barrett: Just do your nine. You know, do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk. Wrap it up in a little Moses, put in a little basket. Send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It’s simple. You are a murderer, if you have an abortion. But you’re not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks and is good to me.
Colin Jost: Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that.
Amy Coney Barrett: Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think that lesbians would be happy because now there’s more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. Come on, ladies. It’s just nine. It’s not even 10. So just do your nine and dump.
Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s that simple.
Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can’t do the same is beyond me. Unless I’m like missing something about class in America. Don’t answer that.
Colin Jost: Okay, you were also suggesting that we don’t need abortion because there’s no longer the same stigma against unwed mother.
Amy Coney Barrett: Exactly, exactly. It’s like you see a girl, you know she’s pregnant. You’re not going to stone her anymore. You’re just gonna be like, “Huh, okay.” Like if you get pregnant and you’re not married, you don’t have to go to a spooky convent anymore. You just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that’s your nine.
Colin Jost: Stop just saying that’s your nine.
Amy Coney Barrett: Like, what is more traumatic? Safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see it again because you put it on a Ferris wheel? Colin, all I’m saying, these lesbians are going to have like a crapload of babies coming their way, they should be kissing my boobs.
Colin Jost: I don’t think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you’re kind of forcing conservative views on the country.
Amy Coney Barrett: Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. Our spouses on the other hand are f-ing crazy. [phone vibrating] Excuse me.Speak of, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni always texts me. She’s like in love with me. I’m like, “Okay, lez, you want a baby?”
Colin Jost: Alright. Justice Barrett, is there anything else you would like to say?
Amy Coney Barrett: Arby’s, we have the babies.
Colin Jost: Justice Barret, everyone.
Amy Coney Barrett: Do your nine!