Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon
Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]
Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.
Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.
Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you
Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.
Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.
Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.
Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.
Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.
Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.
Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.
Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.
Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.
Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).[Barbara is laughing]
Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]
Purr-sula: You’re bad!
Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.[Barbara showing another brown kitten]
We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.
Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.
Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.[Barbara showing another grey kitten]
Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?
Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!
Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.
Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.
Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.
Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]
Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.
Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!
Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.
Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.
Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.
Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]
Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.
Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!
Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!
Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.
Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down![Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]
Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.[The End]