Tag: Barbara DeDrew

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of Whiskers R’ We store.]

[Cut to Kate in her home]

Barbara DeDrew: Cats. A cat is a smile with hair. A cat is a friend who can’t stand up. A cat is a friend who has babies in your hamper. Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew, owner and proprieter of Whiskers R’ We, cat rescue, now online, coz when you’re in quarantine, everyday is Caturday. [giggling]

Since the lockdown, people have been adopting cats at a record rate, meaning the only ones left are real bottom of the barrel nobodies. Let’s meet today’s fee line up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Rex. Rex is a simple alley cat because all he alley (all he) wants is belly rubs.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Marbles. Marbles keep saying she’s been furloughed but the only job she ever had was licking her ass in the sun. What a jerk.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This little is called Dr. Anthony Meow-ci, because of his curious nature and because I’d have sex with him in a heart beat.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is Coco. She’s a rare havana brown. But most of the time, you can find her having a brown in her litter box.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[looking at the cat] I know you hate this. I know you didn’t want to be in the commercial. But my small business loan didn’t go through. It went to shake shack. So, please, try harder. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is a Brazilian shorthair which is ironic because she’s a mess down there. I know we’re quarantined but jeez, please have some self-respect.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is called Baxter and he’s got a pretty little secret. He’s really into bdsm. Bitin’ Dem’ Silly Mice.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] Are you even trying? You told me you went to NYU drama school but you’re giving me nothing. Nothing at all. Please try harder.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

We call this cat Boots because of the markings on her feet and because she’s a dominatrix specializing in split play and ding dong punishment.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] Well, we’re all depressed but sometimes just showing up and doing what you can do is enough. You know?

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Justice Cat-anaugh. Don’t get me started on how much he likes to drink beer. He’s out of control.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Felin-ona Apple. She waits 10 years to drop an album. And by album, I mean poop.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] What do you mean you think you’re pregnant? How is it even possible? Oh, for god’s sake, don’t mention it during the commercial. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat. The cat’s face is covered by a mask.]

This is Allan. He’s not wearing a mask because of the virus. He’s wearing one because his teeth are [bleep] up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is an organ donor. But the way she drinks, nobody’s gonna want that liver.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] What do you mean you don’t want to get adopted? You want to stay here with me? Well, that was never part of the deal. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

So, visit Whiskers R’ We online today. We now do curbside delivery. Order one cat and we’ll leave 10 to 15 on your porch. Except maybe this one. [showing a cat]

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Furonica… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]

Barbara and Furonica: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.

Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.

Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.

Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.

Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.

Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.

Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.

Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.

Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.

Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.

[Barbara shows out a cat]

Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.

[Barbara and Furonica laughing looking at each other.]

Furonica: You used to do stand-ups.  You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.

Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.

Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.

[Furonica starts touching Barbara]

Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.

Furonica: Farts are funny.

Barbara: How old are you again?

Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.

Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]

Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]

Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.

Furonica: I think I know you like it.

Barbara: Oh, boy.

Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.

Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.

Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.

Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.

Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.

Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.

[Mr. Majestical walks in and is dancing]

‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.

Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.

[Mr. Majestical walks out]

Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.

Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking

Barbara: So, come on down …

Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.

Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]