Robert King… Alex Moffat
Drew Matarazo… Beck Bennett
Deluca… Timothée Chalamet
Delvekio… Pete Davidson
Daniel Pryer… Kyle Mooney
Rico… Andrew Dismukes
Chicky Stix… Punkie Johnson
Male voice: Great news! Millions of real Americans are switching from Fox News to NewsMax because NewsMax tells them the truth, that Donald Trump could still win this election. And because of our recent success, we’re launching SportsMax. SportsMax is a network for real Jets fans, giving you the truth about America’s favorite football team.
Robert King: Now, a lot of mainstream sports networks like ESPN are saying that the Jets have not won a single game this year, that they’re 0-12.
Drew Matarazo: Which is very interesting because the truth is the Jets have already won 11 games this season.
Robert King: Sure. Sure. Take us through that.
Drew Matarazo: Yes, no problem. My pleasure. Now, the experts tell you that the Jets lost to the Bills, 18-10 back in October. Sound like a done deal, right? No. Not so fast. I say go close to look at the numbers. If we dig in here, we’ll see that after the first quarter, the Jets were winning the game 3-0. Then something very vicious happened. Right? The bills started all the points out of god knows where. Either it’s Jets won this game three to nothing or this whole game’s rigged.
Male voice: Finally, a network that understands that real fans don’t give up on their team. No matter what. SportsMax gives you inside analysis from Jetsperts, Deluca and Delvekio.
Robert King: Ha-ha. Now, it’s been reported that on November Drew Matarazo9th, the Jets lost to the Dolphins 20-3.
Deluca: Says who?
Robert King: I mean, that’s how they scored it.
Delvekio: Oh. Who did it? Who did the score?
Robert King: The NFL.
Deluca: Oh, the NFL. Oh! Oh!
Delvekio: Oh! Okay.
Deluca: Listen. I have in my hand right here sworn affidavits from 500 Jets fans who swear they witnessed the Jets win.
Delvekio: But let me tell you something. There’s 8 million Jets fans out there. 8 million. They have nothing to gain by lying about this.
Deluca: Wait. Hold on. You’re gonna tell me 8 million hard working fans that the Jets didn’t actually beat the Dolphins 90 to nothing?
Robert King: I would never do that.
Delvekio: Yes. Because you’re smart. [pointing at the fries] Hey, you’re gonna eat this?
Deluca: No, you can have that. Let’s look at this logically, okay?
Deluca: Only a really bad team would only score three points in a football game. The Jets are the greatest team ever. So, something’s not adding up here.
Delvekio: You see? The whole house of cards collapses.
Deluca: Long story short, the Jets are going to Super Bowl. That’s a promise.
Delvekio: Place your bets now, people.
Male voice: SportsMax has football your way. All our re-broadcast games are guaranteed to end in a Jets win. And players on our network never kneel for the national anthem. We’ve made sure of that. And on game day, be sure to check in with our team at WeatherMax.
Daniel Pryer: Guys, the weather couldn’t be better here at Met Life stadium. Sunny and 68. A beautiful day for some Jets football.
Male voice: And tune in this Sunday for our SportsMax special crossover event, The New York Knicks: 100 years of nothing but greatness. With self-appointed Knicks historians, Rico and Chicky Stix.
Chicky Stix: Now, a lot of people say Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time or maybe LeBron James. But if you look at a random samples, say of the four days in 2012? It’s clearly Jeremy Lin.
Rico: That’s right. He’s the greatest of all time. That’s why he’s the new face of Space Jam by Smucker’s. The insanity never stops.
Male voice: SportsMax, this is gonna work.