Donald Trump
Taran Killam
Cecily Strong
Kate McKinnon
Kenan Thompson
Vanessa Bayer
Leslie Jones
[Starts with Donald Trump sitting on a couch]Donald Trump: Hello everyone. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not going to be on the next sketch. It was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn’t want to rehearse. You know what? It’s still going to going to be great. And since I can’t do it and be in it, I’ll do the next best thing, I’ll live tweet it. Sit back, relax, enjoy the sketch and enjoy my tweets.
[Cut to Cecily and Taran at a restaurant]Taran: Ah! I have got to say there is nothing more romantic than celebrating our honeymoon here in Italy.
Cecily: Aw, I’m so sad this is our last night in Rome.
Taran: I know. Tomorrow, it’s back to Cleveland.
Donald Trump’s tweet: This sketch is not funn. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.
[Taran and Cecily is looking around]Cecily: Ha-ha. I’m so excited for dinner. You know, the guide book says this is the most romantic restaurant in the city.
Taran: Ooh!
Cecily: Yeah.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Cecily Strong is not a nice person.
[Taran and Cecily is looking around]Taran: Ah! Well, the menu says that the place is family run and the couple who owns it has been married for fourty years.
Cecily: Aw, that’s so sweet. I think that will be us one day.
Taran: Oh, it better be.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Yeah right. Who would marry @TaranKillam? He’s an over-rated clown.
[audience laughing]Taran: Why are people laughing?
Cecily: Is he tweeting bad stuffs about us?
Taran: I don’t know. I can’t see.
Cecily: Okay.
[Kate walks in]Kate: [In Italian accent] Welcome to Amore, the most romantic restaurant in all of italy.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Kate McKinnon was born stupid.
Kate: [In Italian accent] Okay. So, I am Carmela. And back in the kitchen is my husband Javani. We are in a middle of a huge fight but don’t worry, it won’t affect your meal tonight. Now, let me tell you about the special. First up we have the ‘my husband is stupid’ spaghetti.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Not funny.
Kate: [In Italian accent] We also have ‘I can’t stand my husband’ cavatelli.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon. ‘I’m a low-class slob.’
Kate: What’s it? What is he saying?
Taran: I don’t know.
Kate: [In Italian accent] And finally for dessert, we have ice-cream-you-scream-we-all-scream-at-my-husband.
Donald Trump’s tweet: I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.
Kate: Is he ripping us apart?
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. He definitely is.
Taran: I don’t know why. He has been nice all week. [Cut to Taran] I mean I know he likes me .
Donald Trump’s tweet: Oh great, more screen time for super dud @TaranKillam.
Taran: Well, Carmela, I think we are ready to order.
[Cut to Taran, Cecily and Kate]Kate: [In Italian accent] Oh, great! But before you do, my husband Javani has some corrections to the menu.
[Kenan walks in looking very concerned]Kenan: [In Italian accent] Hi. I am Jevani.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Who’s this nobody?
Kenan: [In Italian accent] Tonight, I am out of steak. I’m out of emotions. I am out of a patience with my wife Carmela
Donald Trump’s tweet: An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson’s birth certificate is a fraud.
Kenan: What? What do you think he just tweeted?
Donald Trump’s tweet: Sorry folks, but add a “y” to “Kenan” and you get “Kenyan.”
[audience laughing hard]Kenan: Probably something with like, Kenan and Kenyan right?
Kate: I know.
Cecily: I mean yeah.
Taran: That’s exactly what it is.
Kate: [In Italian accent] Anyway. Please don’t let my husband ruin the mood. Your night should be romantic. That’s why our grandson little Luca is now gonna sing a song for you.
[Cut to Vanessa dressed as a little boy.]Vanessa: I don’t wanna be in this sketch anymore.
[Cut to Kate and Kenan]Kenan: Vanessa, you have to. This is live.
[Cut to Vanessa] [music playing]Vanessa: [singing] When you have too much wine
so you scream all the time
that’s Amore
Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is an average talent and a total loser.
Vanessa: What’s he saying? Is it about my teeth? [yelling] These aren’t my real teeth.
[singing] When my nana throws plates at my no-nose dump face that’s AmoreDonald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.
Vanessa: Cut away! Cut away from me.
[Cut to Taran, Cecily, Kate and Kenan]Taran: Vanessa. You can’t do that.
Kate: No.
[Leslie walks in with Vanessa]Leslie: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m sorry y’all. I’m sorry to interrupt this sketch. [laughing] Sorry Lorne. But you guys, y’all have to see what Donald Trump is tweeting about y’all. He hates you Taran. He hates you.
Taran: Me? Why?
Donald Trump’s tweet: I have tremendous respect for Leslie Jones. She’s a winner.
Leslie: [looking at the tweet] Hah! He just tweeted about me. He hates y’all but he likes me. I love you too, Donald.
Donald Trump’s tweet: Thanks Leslie. AndI love the blacks.
Leslie: [looking at the tweet] What?
[Leslie rages towards the camera]What you! You is a mons–
[Video shuts down] [The End]