76f: Buck Henry / The Band
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
... Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter V/O ... Dan Aykroyd
... Jane Curtin
[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on
Chevy Chase who sits at the Weekend Update desk with a
bandage over his left temple and the desk phone to his
Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with
Chevy Chase: [into phone] Well, that is
ridiculous. There's no proof-- You can smoke as much
of it as you want, it does not affect your motor
skills, all right? Emotionally, maybe. Okay? [looks up
at the camera] I've got to go, I'll talk to you later.
[tries to hang up phone, misses, tries again, misses,
etc., eventually places receiver in its cradle with a
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're Rod McKuen.
... Our top story tonight:
Buck Henry cuts himself in the forehead in a sketch on
the Saturday Night show. ... [applause] ... as a far
gone and downed and drugged-out John Belushi hits him
with a sword. ...
Well, the first election returns are in. Gerald Ford,
zero. Jimmy Carter, zero. ... More on these figures as
they come in. ...
John D. Ehrlichman, one of the Nixon Administration's
most powerful advisors, has voluntarily entered a
federal prison camp to serve sentences for his
Watergate crimes. Last minute advice from his lawyers
were that he keep quiet about his pending appeal and
that he avoid fraternizing with the inmates -- or
bending over for the soap in the shower. ...
[Photo of Betty Ford kissing a dog] Campaigning on her
own in Michigan this week, Betty Ford won first place
in a local dog smelling contest. ... The First Lady
revealed that she had plenty of experience in the
White House with Ford's golden retriever Liberty!
[Photo of Gerald Ford kissing a beauty pageant
contestant] In an effort to encourage Americans to get
their swine flu inoculations, President Ford went to
Atlantic City this week where he swallowed a
hypodermic syringe and personally vaccinated Miss
America in the face. ...
[holds up a sheet of paper, smiles] More news!
Republican Vice Presidential candidate Robert Dole --
pronounced "Dole" -- ... recently laid blame for World
War II on a Democratic administration. Today,
he went one step further. Addressing a group of
Japanese-Americans, Dole called it -- called World War
II, quote, "a slur on the good name of Japan." ... And
promised, if elected, to change the name of "Pearl
Harbor" to something less offensive to the Japanese
community -- for example, "Surprise City." ...
Serious note: Michael Goldbaum, a media expert who has
been producing President Ford's television
commercials, was fired yesterday when it was
discovered that he also produces hard-core pornography
films. The Ford people caught on when a recent
campaign ad with the announcement, "There's a change
coming over this land," showed Susan Ford wearing
spiked heels, manacles and a Bicentennial dog collar
while a masked Nazi tattooed "Vote for My Dad" all
over her body. ...
In a related story, as the presidential election
campaign winds toward its end, both candidates have
decided, in a last minute display of good faith, NOT
to release especially hard-hitting television
commercials. However, Weekend Update was able
to obtain two of them. Here is the first such
[Dissolve to film featuring Democratic candidate Jimmy
Carter working on his farm.]
Jimmy Carter V/O: I think the people of America
need a new kind of president. A president who feels
your pain and shares your dreams, who lusts your
lusts. [Cut to woman in bikini] ... Now, I try not to
commit a deliberate sin. [Cut to a montage of Carter
kissing, shaking hands and talking with a variety of
women on the campaign trail] I recognize that I'm
gonna do it anyhow because I'm human and I'm tempted.
And Christ set some almost impossible standards for
us. Christ says: "I tell you that anyone who looks at
a woman with lust has, in his heart, already committed
adultery." Now, I've looked on a lot of women with
lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times.
This is something that God recognizes I will do. [Cut
to woman sashaying on beach in bikini] And I have done
it. And God forgives me for it. And I hope you forgive
me. And I hope Rosalyn will. Thank you.
[SUPER: Vote for Gerald Ford - Amy Carter hugs her
father as the film fades out. 2ND SUPER: Paid for and
Authorized by The Committee to Re-elect the
Chevy Chase: Of course, that was the Gerald
Ford commercial. And now, here is the Jimmy Carter
commercial coming right up now on your screen.
[Fade out on Chevy. Fade in on film of President
Gerald R. Ford in the Oval Office, addressing the
nation on September 8, 1974.]
President Gerald R. Ford: As we are a nation
under God, so I am sworn to uphold our laws with the
help of God. And I have sought such guidance and
searched my own conscience with special diligence to
determine the right thing for me to do with respect to
my predecessor in this place, Richard Nixon, [Shot of
Ford and Nixon walking with their wives down a red
carpet] and his loyal wife and family. [Shot of
Nixon's family walking down the same red
I deeply believe in equal justice for all Americans...
[Shot of Ford and Nixon standing together laughing,
huge grins on their faces]
Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford, President of the
United States, pursuant [clears his throat] to the
pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section
2, of the Constitution, have granted and by these
presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon
unto Richard Nixon for all offenses against the United
States which he, Richard Nixon, has committed or may
committed or taken part in during the period from July
20, 1969 through August 9, 1974.
[Ford, having mistakenly said "July" instead of
"January," now signs the proclamation pardoning Nixon
as SUPER reads: FOUR MORE YEARS]
Don Pardo V/O: Four more years.
[Footage of a grinning Nixon energetically waving his
arms above his head, flashing a peace sign with each
hand. SUPER: Vote for Carter - Fade out on Nixon. 2ND
SUPER: Paid for and Authorized by The Committee to
Elect Jimmy Carter - Applause. We return to a dozing
Chevy at the WU desk, in front of a photo of a number
of wrecked automobiles. Chevy wakes up and
Chevy Chase: Still to come, the Presidential
motorcade makes a pit stop, after this
[ Dissolve to ad parody for Super Bat-o-Matic '77. ]
Chevy Chase: This item just in: [sings]
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My-- [stops
singing, gives someone offscreen a quizzical look,
then, into the camera] I'm sorry. [sets the bulletin
And now, here is correspondent Jane Curtin with
"People in the News."
[Jane, seated next to Chevy, also has a bandage on her
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy. In "People in
the News" tonight, actor Sammy Davis, Jr. had a close
call with death when his turquoise necklace
accidentally became tangled with his wrist and ankle
bracelets ... during a fake laughter rehearsal last
night in Las Vegas. ... [applause] Warren Beatty has
signed to do a sequel to "Shampoo." The original title
was to be "Blow Dry" but has been tentatively changed
to "Older and Softer." ...
But the big news is, of course, that Saturday Night
star Chevy Chase is leaving the tasteless late night
show to replace Johnny Carson on "The Tonight Show" in
Hollywood. Carson, stepping down after almost fifteen
years, says he just wants to relax now, do a little
traveling and drinking, and read Monty Hall's book
again. ... Chase says he's looking forward to
interviewing self-indulgent Las Vegas performers and
meaningless personalities every single day for the
next ten years. ... He considers it a challenge and an
important step in the communications field. And that's
"People in the News."
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Well, this week,
the TV networks announced that "The Bill Cosby Show,"
"Ball Four," "Spencer's Pilots," "Mr. T and Tina," and
"Gemini Man." [stops reading, sets bulletin aside]
And now, Weekend Update's Game of the Week.
[Chevy takes a sharp letter opener in one hand, puts
his other hand flat on the desk with the fingers
spread out, then rapidly and alternately puts the
sharp end of the letter opener on the desk between his
outstretched fingers, somehow managing to avoid
stabbing himself. Applause. Chevy puts letter opener
away. Phone rings. Startled, Chevy eyes it with a
skeptical grin, then answers.]
Chevy Chase: Hello? ... Hello? Who? ... Oh,
yes. I'll accept the charges. Hi, Francisco, how are
ya? ... How's your back? ... Good. No, I'll probably
be back and forth, you know how it is. ... Well, you
just, uh, put your legs under a pillow, you'll feel
much better. ... Uh huh ... Well, it's good talking to
you, yes. Shall we send you an absentee ballot? ...
Okay. So long now. [hangs up]
[Side by side photos of Ford and Carter - Ford has a
big, black, curly handlebar mustache painted on his
lip] Well, the election is all but upon us and it's an
important election. In the past weekend-- Or: [SUPER:
COMMENTARY] In the past, Weekend Update has maintained
a professional objectivity about major events of the
world, never taking sides, always endeavoring to
present all perspectives on all the issues regardless
of personal feelings. For this reason, in keeping with
our policy of fairness, we will not endorse either of
the candidates for the presidency. [applause]
And that's the news tonight. Thank you for joining us.
Good night and have a pleasant breakfast.
[Cheers and applause as we pull back and fade out on
Chevy who sits grinning with his hands interlaced
before him, perhaps contemplating the fact that this
is his last regular appearance as the WU