Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

... Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter V/O ... Dan Aykroyd
... Jane Curtin

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on Chevy Chase who sits at the Weekend Update desk with a bandage over his left temple and the desk phone to his ear.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

Chevy Chase: [into phone] Well, that is ridiculous. There's no proof-- You can smoke as much of it as you want, it does not affect your motor skills, all right? Emotionally, maybe. Okay? [looks up at the camera] I've got to go, I'll talk to you later. [tries to hang up phone, misses, tries again, misses, etc., eventually places receiver in its cradle with a grin]

Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're Rod McKuen. ... Our top story tonight:

Buck Henry cuts himself in the forehead in a sketch on the Saturday Night show. ... [applause] ... as a far gone and downed and drugged-out John Belushi hits him with a sword. ...

Well, the first election returns are in. Gerald Ford, zero. Jimmy Carter, zero. ... More on these figures as they come in. ...

John D. Ehrlichman, one of the Nixon Administration's most powerful advisors, has voluntarily entered a federal prison camp to serve sentences for his Watergate crimes. Last minute advice from his lawyers were that he keep quiet about his pending appeal and that he avoid fraternizing with the inmates -- or bending over for the soap in the shower. ...

[Photo of Betty Ford kissing a dog] Campaigning on her own in Michigan this week, Betty Ford won first place in a local dog smelling contest. ... The First Lady revealed that she had plenty of experience in the White House with Ford's golden retriever Liberty! ...

[Photo of Gerald Ford kissing a beauty pageant contestant] In an effort to encourage Americans to get their swine flu inoculations, President Ford went to Atlantic City this week where he swallowed a hypodermic syringe and personally vaccinated Miss America in the face. ...

[holds up a sheet of paper, smiles] More news!

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Robert Dole -- pronounced "Dole" -- ... recently laid blame for World War II on a Democratic administration. Today, he went one step further. Addressing a group of Japanese-Americans, Dole called it -- called World War II, quote, "a slur on the good name of Japan." ... And promised, if elected, to change the name of "Pearl Harbor" to something less offensive to the Japanese community -- for example, "Surprise City." ...

Serious note: Michael Goldbaum, a media expert who has been producing President Ford's television commercials, was fired yesterday when it was discovered that he also produces hard-core pornography films. The Ford people caught on when a recent campaign ad with the announcement, "There's a change coming over this land," showed Susan Ford wearing spiked heels, manacles and a Bicentennial dog collar while a masked Nazi tattooed "Vote for My Dad" all over her body. ...

In a related story, as the presidential election campaign winds toward its end, both candidates have decided, in a last minute display of good faith, NOT to release especially hard-hitting television commercials. However, Weekend Update was able to obtain two of them. Here is the first such commercial:

[Dissolve to film featuring Democratic candidate Jimmy Carter working on his farm.]

Jimmy Carter V/O: I think the people of America need a new kind of president. A president who feels your pain and shares your dreams, who lusts your lusts. [Cut to woman in bikini] ... Now, I try not to commit a deliberate sin. [Cut to a montage of Carter kissing, shaking hands and talking with a variety of women on the campaign trail] I recognize that I'm gonna do it anyhow because I'm human and I'm tempted. And Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ says: "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman with lust has, in his heart, already committed adultery." Now, I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do. [Cut to woman sashaying on beach in bikini] And I have done it. And God forgives me for it. And I hope you forgive me. And I hope Rosalyn will. Thank you.

[SUPER: Vote for Gerald Ford - Amy Carter hugs her father as the film fades out. 2ND SUPER: Paid for and Authorized by The Committee to Re-elect the President]

Chevy Chase: Of course, that was the Gerald Ford commercial. And now, here is the Jimmy Carter commercial coming right up now on your screen.

[Fade out on Chevy. Fade in on film of President Gerald R. Ford in the Oval Office, addressing the nation on September 8, 1974.]

President Gerald R. Ford: As we are a nation under God, so I am sworn to uphold our laws with the help of God. And I have sought such guidance and searched my own conscience with special diligence to determine the right thing for me to do with respect to my predecessor in this place, Richard Nixon, [Shot of Ford and Nixon walking with their wives down a red carpet] and his loyal wife and family. [Shot of Nixon's family walking down the same red carpet]

I deeply believe in equal justice for all Americans... [Shot of Ford and Nixon standing together laughing, huge grins on their faces]

Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford, President of the United States, pursuant [clears his throat] to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Richard Nixon for all offenses against the United States which he, Richard Nixon, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period from July 20, 1969 through August 9, 1974.

[Ford, having mistakenly said "July" instead of "January," now signs the proclamation pardoning Nixon as SUPER reads: FOUR MORE YEARS]

Don Pardo V/O: Four more years.

[Footage of a grinning Nixon energetically waving his arms above his head, flashing a peace sign with each hand. SUPER: Vote for Carter - Fade out on Nixon. 2ND SUPER: Paid for and Authorized by The Committee to Elect Jimmy Carter - Applause. We return to a dozing Chevy at the WU desk, in front of a photo of a number of wrecked automobiles. Chevy wakes up and grins.]

Chevy Chase: Still to come, the Presidential motorcade makes a pit stop, after this message.

[ Dissolve to ad parody for Super Bat-o-Matic '77. ]

Chevy Chase: This item just in: [sings] Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My-- [stops singing, gives someone offscreen a quizzical look, then, into the camera] I'm sorry. [sets the bulletin aside]

And now, here is correspondent Jane Curtin with "People in the News."

[Jane, seated next to Chevy, also has a bandage on her forehead.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy. In "People in the News" tonight, actor Sammy Davis, Jr. had a close call with death when his turquoise necklace accidentally became tangled with his wrist and ankle bracelets ... during a fake laughter rehearsal last night in Las Vegas. ... [applause] Warren Beatty has signed to do a sequel to "Shampoo." The original title was to be "Blow Dry" but has been tentatively changed to "Older and Softer." ...

But the big news is, of course, that Saturday Night star Chevy Chase is leaving the tasteless late night show to replace Johnny Carson on "The Tonight Show" in Hollywood. Carson, stepping down after almost fifteen years, says he just wants to relax now, do a little traveling and drinking, and read Monty Hall's book again. ... Chase says he's looking forward to interviewing self-indulgent Las Vegas performers and meaningless personalities every single day for the next ten years. ... He considers it a challenge and an important step in the communications field. And that's "People in the News."

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Well, this week, the TV networks announced that "The Bill Cosby Show," "Ball Four," "Spencer's Pilots," "Mr. T and Tina," and "Gemini Man." [stops reading, sets bulletin aside] ...

And now, Weekend Update's Game of the Week.

[Chevy takes a sharp letter opener in one hand, puts his other hand flat on the desk with the fingers spread out, then rapidly and alternately puts the sharp end of the letter opener on the desk between his outstretched fingers, somehow managing to avoid stabbing himself. Applause. Chevy puts letter opener away. Phone rings. Startled, Chevy eyes it with a skeptical grin, then answers.]

Chevy Chase: Hello? ... Hello? Who? ... Oh, yes. I'll accept the charges. Hi, Francisco, how are ya? ... How's your back? ... Good. No, I'll probably be back and forth, you know how it is. ... Well, you just, uh, put your legs under a pillow, you'll feel much better. ... Uh huh ... Well, it's good talking to you, yes. Shall we send you an absentee ballot? ... Okay. So long now. [hangs up]

[Side by side photos of Ford and Carter - Ford has a big, black, curly handlebar mustache painted on his lip] Well, the election is all but upon us and it's an important election. In the past weekend-- Or: [SUPER: COMMENTARY] In the past, Weekend Update has maintained a professional objectivity about major events of the world, never taking sides, always endeavoring to present all perspectives on all the issues regardless of personal feelings. For this reason, in keeping with our policy of fairness, we will not endorse either of the candidates for the presidency. [applause]

And that's the news tonight. Thank you for joining us. Good night and have a pleasant breakfast.

[Cheers and applause as we pull back and fade out on Chevy who sits grinning with his hands interlaced before him, perhaps contemplating the fact that this is his last regular appearance as the WU anchor.]

Submitted Anonymously

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