Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 21st, 1989

Kathleen Turner

Billy Joel

None

Christine Zander

Conan O’Brien

Joe Dicso
The Miracle Of Fatima ’89

Montage

Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

Plug AwayRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein, John Travolta, Lee Iacocca.

Die Squaren Ost Berliner

Donheiser

Billy Joel performs “We Didn’t Start The Fire”Also Performed: 77k, 93d

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: One man mobile uplink unit Al Franken broadcasts live from a NYC crackhouse. Phil Hartman delivers the George Steinbrenner Health Watch report. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on the San Francisco earthquake.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

The EggmanTranscript

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Man”Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

555-TOON

All About Deborah NorvilleRecurring Characters: Jane Pauley, Gene Shalit.

Billy Joel performs “Downeaster Alexa”

Average Blind Date

Maxwell HouseNote: Another props gaffe, as Jon Lovitz’s fake stomach comes loose as he dances.

Recurring Characters: Linda Ellerbee, Willard Scott.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

Wild Horse

Stableboy…..Rick Moranis
Chet…..Phil Hartman
Rancher…..Kevin Nealon
Little Indian Boy…..Mike Myers
Miss Parsons…..Nora Dunn

[ open on two cowboys eyeballing a wild horse from the safe side of the fence ]

Stableboy: You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna ride ‘er! You’re gonna ride that big mare, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna do it, you’re gonna break that big, wild mare! You’re gonna ride Sheba, Chet! No one’s ever done it, but you’re gonna do it, Chet! You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya!

[ stock footage shows the mare resisting the Rancher’s tug ]

[ back at the fence, the Rancher appears on-camera tugging at the off-screen horse ]

Rancher: Give me a wider whip than that! I can’t hold on to it much longer! [ Chet steps forward, determination in his eyes ] I’d be careful, Mr. Matsen, this is one dangerous horse!

Chet: We’ll see.. [ walks offscreen to ride the wild horse ]

Stableboy: You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna ride Sheba!

[ Chet is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Chet: [ screaming ] Help me!! Somebody please get me off!!

[ back at the fence, we see Chet’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Chet stands up, shaking fiercely ]

Stableboy: Are you alright, Chet?! Are you okay?!

Chet: I don’t know!! I’m scared, I’m shook up, I was CRAZY to get on that HORSE!!

Stableboy: Mr. Matsen, maybe it’s not my place.. I mean.. I know I’m just a stableboy and all, but.. I’d like to try and ride that horse!

Chet: WHAT?!! YOU ride her?!

Stableboy: Yeah! [ runs towards the horse ]

Chet: No! Jimmy! No, Jimmy, don’t!

[ Stableboy is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Stableboy: Oh, no..! Somebody please.. help me! Nooo!! Somebody please get me off this thing!

[ back at the fence, we see Stableboy’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Chet helps Stableboy to his feet ]

Chet: I told ya he’s mean! I told ya he’s mean!

Stableboy: What was I thinking, Chet! I’m just a stableboy! I coulda been killed, ain’t that right!

Chet: [ points ] Hey! Hey, look!

Stableboy: It’s that little Indian boy from the reservation, ain’t it?

Chet: Yeah! And he’s getting on that horse! Hey! Get away from there!

[ Little Indian Boy is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Little Indian Boy: Whoa! Whoa! Get me off of this thing, please! Please!

[ back at the fence, we see Little Indian Boy’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

Little Indian Boy: Me insane to get on horse like that! Me not even have that good rapport with animals in general!

[ Miss Parsons enters ]

Miss Parsons: What’s going on here?

Chet: It’s that horse! She won’t let us ride her!

Miss Parsons: [ grins ] Well, now, ain’t this a purty sight! Well, if there ain’t a man here that can break that nag, guessin’ I’m just gonna have to ride ‘er!

Chet: [ trembling ] I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Miss Parsons, I.. please, Miss Parsons..

[ Miss Parsons is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Miss Parsons: [ screaming ] Aaaaggghhhhh!! Get me off this thing! Get ‘er off of me!!

[ back at the fence, we see Miss Parsons’ body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Miss Parsons is helped to her feet ]

Stableboy: Miss Parsons! Are you okay?!

Little Indian Boy: Me not think anybody able to tame that horse!

Chet: Maybe not anybody.. but what about anything? Look!

[ show second horse grazing in the grass next to a calm Sheba ]

Miss Parsons: Well, I’ll be! I guess we were just using the wrong approach!

Stableboy: Hey! They’re lovebirds, ain’t they! That’s what they are, lovebirds, ain’t they!

Little Indian Boy: [ points ] Look! Big Studly is trying mate with Wild Mare!

Miss Parsons: Look out!!

[ thrown by Sheba, Big Studly crashes on the gate in front of the group ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

 

The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89

Zsa Zsa Gabor…..Victoria Jackson
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Jim Bakker…..Rick Moranis
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Customer…..Jon Lovitz
Clerk…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: “Chattanooga Women’s Correctional Facility” ]

[ dissolve open on Zsa Zsa Gabor being beat up by the other female prisoners, until Leona Helmesley enters to break it up ]

Leona Helmesley: That’s enough!

Buffy: Back off, Leona! Zsa Zsa ain’t your problem!Leona Helmesley: That’s right, Buffy.. you’re my problem! [ pounds Buffy to the ground ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Stop, dahlink, please. She’s dead already. Dahlink! [ slaps Leona ]

[ cut to nighttime, show Leona holding a gun to Zsa Zsa’s back as they dig through an escape tunnel underneath the prison ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I can’t go on any longer, dahlink!

Leona Helmesley: You wanna rot in that stinkin’ joint?! Keep digging!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I’m not made for this type of thing. New York is where I’d rather stay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I get allergic smelling hay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up! And you’d better keep that dog quiet!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: He can’t help it, he’s very nervous.

Leona Helmesley: I’m giving you five seconds to shut that mutt up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Please, Froo Froo! Mommy needs you to be quiet!

[ Froo Froo continues to bark nervously; Leona gras it and shoots it dead ]

Froo Froo! Ohh! My little Froo Froo!

Leona Helmesley: Stop that whimpering! I said stop that whimpering!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Dahlink, I am stopping the whimpering already..

Leona Helmesley: Then what the hell is that?

[ Jim Bakker breaks through he tunnel, whimpering ]

Jim Bakker: Oh, praise the Lord, thank God! I thought you were the cops. Unh, unh, unh..

Leona Helmesley: Jim Bakker!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Thank God, dahlink. Someone from show business.

Leona Helmesley: How the hell did you get here?

Jim Bakker: I was tunneling out of the men’s prison, and I.. I got lost.. unh.. [ curls into fetal position and cries ]

Leona Helmesley: You little wimp! Get out of that fetal position! I’ve got an 85-year-old husband who’s senile and incontinent, and he’s still twice the man you are!

Jim Bakker: Please don’t hurt me, Insane Tenant Lady! Hey.. I can help you – I got a getaway car waiting.

Leona Helmesley: Start digging!

[ dissolve to Tammy Faye Bakker waiting in the getaway car, singing her praises to God as Jim, Leona and Zsa Zsa stumble into the car ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: Jim..? Who are these women, have you had their way with them? I forgive you! I do! I forgive you! [ weeps ]

Jim Bakker: They forced me to take them along!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Are they Christians?

Leona Helmesley: [ points her gun at Tammy’s head ] This is my gun.. [ opens the barrel ] ..and these are his six apostles!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ weeping ] Oh, Dear Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer, oh Lord!

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

[ disolve to interior, 7-11 somewhere in the Midwest ]

Clerk: Okay, that’s a Playboy, a Penthouse, a large coffee, and a Nodoze.. [ accepts payment ] Thank you.

Customer: Thank you! [ exits 7-11 ]

Leona enters with gun pointed to a weeping Tammy Faye Bakker’s back ]

Clerk: Hello, ma’am! May I help you?

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ trying to point her eyes towards Leona on the side ] Oh, gosh, what is it that I want? [ giggles nervously ]

Clerk: That’s alright, ma’am, just calm down. You take your time, and then tell me what you need.

Leona Helmesley: [ moves in and points her gun at the Clerk ] I’ll tell you what we need, we need the MONEY!!

Clerk: [ trembling ] Okay, okay, lady, don’t shoot!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ praying as she takes the money from the cash register ] Oh, Lord, please forgive us for what we’re doing..

Leona Helmesley: Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!!

Clerk: I’m not looking at you!!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Don’t kill him, Leona, please don’t kill him!!

Leona Helmesley: [ angry ] You said my NAME!! You said my NAME!!

[ back at the car, Jim hits on Zsa Zsa ]

Jim Bakker: Of course, Tammy.. forgave me for my indescretion with Jessica.. But that’s the kind of marriage we have. It’s open. [ a gunshot is heard ] What the hel was that?! [ starts weeping ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Get a grip on yourself, dahlink!

Jim Bakker: I’m okay.. [ weeps some more ]

[ inside, Leona and Tammy Faye are arguing, as the Clerk lays dying across the counter ]

Leona Helmesley: I’m taking this out ot the car – here.. [ hands the gun over ] ..you finish him off! [ exits ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: No, I can’t do that! I can’t.. [ her mascara is running down her face as she cries ] Oh, Lord.. I know I’ve asked you for a lot.. but grant me this one prayer: please let this witness die of wounds already received! Oh, Lord.. this is the only thing I ask of you: let this witness die!”

Leona Helmesley: [ re-enters ] I told you to finish him off! [ takes the gun and shoots the Clerk dead at last ]

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: [ holding up the stolen money ] Alright, dahlinks, I’ve figured it out – we’ve got $1,648, that’s $412 each, dahlink..

Leona Helmesley: You’re gonna give them half!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Well, why shouldn’t we get equal shares? WE run the same risk!

Leona Helmesley: Oh, yeah, right, “We run the same risk..” Then why, when it’s your turn to pull the trigger, you wuss up?!

Tammy Faye Bakker: I’m going to say something, and I’m going to say it right now: I think you killed far too may people on this spree! You didn’t hsave to kill that clown in front of the car wash, it was just part of a promotion!

Jim Bakker: Praise Thee!

Leona Helmesley: Wait a minute.. the car wash.. How come we only have $1,600 – that was a thousand right there! A thousand at the car wash, eight-hundred at the photomat..

Zsa Zsa Gabor: That’s right, dahlin, we should have a lot more..

[ the Bakkers whistle quietly ]

Leona Helmesley: Bakker?

Jim Bakker: I swear I didn’t do it! [ Leona points her gun ] Alright! Alright! It’s in my pants!

Leona Helmesley: [ pulls it out of his pants ] Is that it?

Jim Bakker: There’s a fifty taped to the bottom of the oil can..

Leona Helmesley: Any more?!

Jim Bakker: I mailed myself $200 from the last motel..

Leona Helmesley: That’s all?!

Jim Bakker: I put a five in a baggie and swallowed it!

Leona Helmesley: And?

Jim Bakker: That’s it!

Leona Helmesley: Al-right, you sonofabitch, you’re dead meat! If ZSa ZSa could drive a stick, your brains would be splattered all over that window!!

Jim Bakker: No! no! Noooooo!!

[ Jim loses control of the wheel, as they careen over a cliff ]

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

[ Scrolling SUPER: “The character of Leona Helmesley was actually a composite of many characters, including the real Leona Helmsley and a number of convicted serial killers. The characters of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and Zsa Zsa Gabor, however, are based on fact.” ]

[ fade out ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

Word Busters

Gil Madabon…..Phil Hartman
Sherry Carter…..Jan Hooks
Steve Hoaglin…..Jon Lovitz
Mark-Linn Baker…..Mike Myers
Richard Chamberlain…..Kevin Nealon

Gil Madabon: Hello! And welcome, everyone, to our returning celebrities – Mark-Linn Baker, and Richard Chamberlain. And, of course, our contestants – Sherry Carter, you’re a Speech Therapist at Cedar Sinai Hospital.

Sherry Carter: That’s right, Gil!

Gil Madabon: And, Mark, your partner today is the Office Manager of a downtown law firm – let’s welcome Steve Hoaglin!

Steve Hoaglin: Thanks, Gil!

Gil Madabon: Now, Steve, let’s play “Word Busters”! Annnnnd.. go!

[ clue: “Ow My Nose” ]

[ Mark smacks Steve in the nose ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow, my nose!

Gil Madabon: That’s three points!

[ clue: “Hey Quit It” ]

[ Mark flicks Steve’s face ]

Steve Hoaglin: Hey, quit it!

Gil Madabon: Very good!

[ clue: “Damn That Smarts” ]

[ Mark smacks Steve in the head ]

Steve Hoaglin: Oh, shoot, that hurts!

[ Mark smacks Steve again ]

Steve Hoaglin: Damn, that hurts!

[ Mark smacks Steve again ]

Steve Hoaglin: Damn, that smarts!

Gil Madabon: There we go! Alright, that’s the end of the first half! Mark-Linn and Steve have seven points! Mark-Linn, you’re amazing – how do you do it?

Mark-Linn Baker: The ability to read my partner like a book, his weaknesses, and, of course, acting, the craft. The work is so important. And a vast medical knowledge, nerve endings, pressure points and the like. I could go on..

Gil Madabon: Please don’t. I was just being polite. Now, Richard, as usual, you’re paired with a very lovely lady!

Richard Chamberlain: Ahh.. [ waves his hand ]

Gil Madabon: Okay.. well, let’s see how the two of you do. Since you have to go second, Sherry, we’ll give you choice of category. Your choices are: Things You Say While Being Pricked With Pins; Things You Say When Drowning; Things You Say While Being Clubbed In The Head; and Nonsense Sounds That Pain Makes You Say.

Richard Chamberlain: How about Pins?

Sherry Carter: Uh.. uh.. I don’t want to go through with this, Gil..

Gil Madabon: If you can’t decide, a category will be chosen at random.. [ she doesn’t choose, so “Clubbed In The Head” is randomly selected ] Alright, the category is: Things You Say While Being Clubbed In The Head!

[ clue: “Now Wait A Second” ]

[ Richard pulls out a club ]

Sherry Carter: [ nervous ] Now.. now wait a second..

Gil Madabon: And that scores!

[ clue: “Hey C’Mon That’s – It’s Not – No” ]

[ Richard rolls up his sleeves and picks up the club ]

Sherry Carter: [ more nervous ] Hey, c’mon, that’s – it’s not – no!

Gil Madabon: Excellent!

[ clue: “Thud” ]

[ Richard raises the club; Sherry faints with a crash ]

Gil Madabon: Judges? [ buzzer sounds ] No.. the experts tell me that was more of a crash than a thud. Sherry gets no points. Steve, you and Mark-Linn are the winners, and qualify for the Speed Round!

Steve Hoaglin: It sounds like a thud to me, maybe we could go back!

Gil Madabon: Oh, like you would know, Steve. As always, in the Speed Round, you will be trying to guess as many words as possible in only fifteen seconds. But, first, Don Pardo, tell him what he will win!

Announcer: Something good. Something very, very good.

Steve Hoaglin: [ excited ] Yes! I’m ready!

Gil Madabon: Alright, take your positions, gentlemen, as we begin the most exciting part of our show! And.. ready.. go!

[ clue: “Quit It” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit it!

[ clue: “No” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ow! No!

[ clue: “Gah” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! My eye! Pass!

Gil Madabon: Alright, we’ll pass.

[ clue: “Ah My Head” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ah, my head!

Gil Madabon: You did it! Steve, you are our new champion! Will you come back tomorrow?

Steve Hoaglin: Oh, I’d love to.. [ accepts an ice pack for his head ]

Gil Madabon: Great! Then we’ll see you tomorrow, on “Word Busters”!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2
Air Date: October 7th, 1989
Host: Rick Moranis
Musical Guest: Rickie Lee Jones
Special Guests: None

Cameos:
1. Bonnie Turner

2. Christine Zander

3. Bob Odenkirk

4.  Jackie Mason’s Press Conference

5. Montage

6. Rick Moranis’ Monologue

The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89Summary:

Recurring Characters: Leona Helmsley, Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye Bakker, Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Honey, I Shrunk Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Satellites” Also Performed: 78p

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Mr. Subliminal (Kevin Nealon). Phil Hartman delivers the George Steinbrenner Health Watch report. Frenchy (Jon Lovitz).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal, Frenchy.

Merv Griffin’s Casino ShowRecurring Characters: Merv Griffin, Donald Trump, Ivana Trump.

Wild Horse Transcript

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Ghetto Of My Mind”

New Baseball Rules

Baby Talk

Word Busters Transcript

Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Wayne’s World

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Rick…..Bruce Willis
Mrs. Campbell…..Nora Dunn
Nancy…..Jan Hooks

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to Wayne Campbell’s basement studio, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Alright! Okay! alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Partyyyyyyyy!! Party hearty! It’s Friday night, it’s 10:30, I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before we bring out our first guest, let me explain the bogus music you can hear from upstairs – my parentals are having a party. Let’s just hope they don’t wander downstairs drunk and make us to go get ice.

Garth: Yeah, parents get scary when they’re wasted!

Wayne: Whoa! Speaking of scary, alright? This week we’ve got a new feature on “Wayne’s World.” We call it: Extreme Close-Up.

Together: Extreme Close-up!!

[ camera zoomes in on Wayne’s face, then Garth’s, then Wayne’s ]

Wayne & Garth: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oaaa!!

Wayne: [ jamming his guitar ] Extreme Close-Up! Extreme Close-up! Party Time! Excellent! Okay!

Garth: Excellent! Excellent! That was a good buzz! Alright!

Wayne: That was great! Okay, let’s bring out our first guest. You all know him, alright? He’s, by far, the coolest senior in school. I mean, you can’t even get near him in the Smoking Area, because of the Sea of Babeitude that surrounds him, you know? And tonight, he’s going to unveil the new cool word for the school year. Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest guy in school – Rick!

Wayne & Garth: [ jamming ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!”

[ Rick comes downstairs and sits on the chair next to the couch ]

Wayne: Alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Rick!

Rick: [ solemn, not sure why he’s here ] Hello.

Wayne: Whoa, I’m really honored to have you on the show, man! Did you have a good summer?

Rick: [ stoned silence ] Yeah.

Wayne: Well, okay! I had a good summer. Yeah, I went to Great America, and then I got mono. Garth, how was your summer?

Garth: Uh.. I-I-I worked in my Dad’s store.. and I saw “Batman” seven times! Yeah! What did you do, Rick?

Rick: What’s that, Garth?

Garth: What, what, what did you do, Rick..?

Rick: I was in Reform School.

[ Wayne and Garth can’t get over it ]

Wayne: That’s cool, man!

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: [ to Rick ] Why?

Rick: Why what?

Wayne: Why were you in Reform School?

Rick: I pulled a B&E.

Wayne: Breaking and Entering. Excellent! Excellent! Well, if you don’t mean my being so bold, Rick, are you ready to unveil the new cool word for the school year? [ to camera ] I should explain something, alright? Last year, Rick’s new cool word was “pail”, or “bucket”.. as in, “So what did you think of the new substitute teacher?” “I think he’s ‘pail’, he’s ‘bucket’!” And, Rick? Rick, this year the new cool word is..? Go, Garth, go!

[ Garth pounds on the couch as though it were a drum ]

Rick: The word is.. [ thinking ] ..Sphincter.

Wayne: Excellent!

Garth: Wow, that’s the greatest word I’ve ever heard in my life, Rick! How do you do that?

Rick: They appear to me, as if in a dream.

Wayne: Unnecessary Zoom!

[ camera zooms in on them rapidly and unnecessarily ]

Wayne & Garth: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!

Garth: Wow, Rick, you are so cool, you know? You should have your own show!

Wayne: [ turned off ] What a traitor you are, man. Stab me in the back, why don’tcha? [ pulls invisible knife out of his back ] Schwing! I believe this is yours? What a quizzling.

Garth: Wow.. Wayne, don’t be such a.. sphincter! [ laughs ]

Wayne: Shyeah, right! You’re the one who’s sphincticious!

Garth: Yeah, right, Wayne! Wayne, you’re a sphinctoid!

Wayne: Well, that’s all very interesting, my funky friend.. but I see you dabble in the ways of sphinctery!

Rick: Boy, you’re an example of tragic sphincterism gone unchecked.

Garth: Good one, Rick! Yeah, Wayne, you go off the sphinctometer!

Wayne: I have seen the sphincter.. and it is Garth!

Rick: [ impressed ] Oh, very nice, Wayne, very nice.. [ rubs his fingers with Wayne’s ]

Wayne: Oh, thanks, Rick! [ passes the finger rub on down to Garth ]

Garth: Way to go, Rick.

Wayne: Okay, Rick, you’re a cool guy, right? Do something cool on the show.

Rick: How about a crank call?

Wayne: Oh, excellent! Excellent! Who? Who?

Rick: [ thinking ] Upstairs.

Wayne: [ excited ] Great, great! [ dials upstairs and hands the phone to Rick ] Go! Go!

Voice on Phone: Hello?

Rick: Is this Wayne’s Mother?

Voice on Phone: Yes, it is.

Rick: May I speak to Wayne.

Voice on Phone: Uh.. I’m afraid he’s doing his show right now.

Rick: Well, it’s rather important!

Voice on Phone: Who may I say is calling?

Rick: His Math teacher. Mr. Sphincter!

[ Wayne and Garth lose their composure ]

Voice on Phone: Hold on, I’ll get him..

[ Wayne’s Mom walks downstairs ]

Mrs. Campbell: Wayne? Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt, but your Math teacher, Mr. Sphincter, is on the line.

[ Wayne, Garth and Rick crack up, Rick stomping his boot to the hardwood floor ]

Wayne: I’m sorry, Mom? What was that name again?

Mrs. Campbell: Mr. Sphincter.

Wayne: Thanks!

Mrs. Campbell: [ wraps her arm around Wayne ] You kids having fun, honey? I think that’s important. You want some potato chips, or rumballs or something?

Wayne: Yeah, rumballs. Yeah, right, Mom.

Mrs. Campbell: [ starts walking upstairs ] Okay. Well, you’re gonna talk to Mr. Sphincter? [ Wayne tries not to laugh ] Is the music too loud, honey?

Wayne: [ trying not to laugh ] No, it’s okay. But, Mom, just so I’m clear, okay – who’s on the line again?

Mrs. Campbell: Wayne, how many times do I have to tell you? Mr. Sphincter! [ Wayne, Garh and Rick stomp their feet ] Okay, I’ll see you later. Bye, Garth! Have fun now!

Wayne: Bye, Mom! Oh, mean, that was so funny, Iswear I was gonna hurl!

Rick: Yeah. Well, look here, boys. I got a party to go to. I’m out the back way.

Wayne: A party?

Rick: Yeah, well, don’t even think about coming. It’s a gimp-free zone. [ tugs Wayne’s cap over his eyes, then exits the basement through a side door ]

Wayne: Alright, okay Well, okay, thanks for coming on the show, Rick. [ jams guitar ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!” Wow, I can’t believe he came on the show, that’s amazing..

Garth:Excellent!

[ suddenly, Nancy rushes downstairs ]

Nancy: Hi, Wayne! Hi, Garth! I just saw Rick on TV! Where is he! I haveto talk to him! I do, I have to!

Wayne: Nancy, we have a show, alright? I mean, you see Rick, you bolt over here like a mental case..

Garth: Yeah, what a nympho!

Wayne: [ fake sneezing in his hand ] What a slut! What a slut!

Nancy: Shut up!

Wayne: Soory, I have a cold! [ laughs with Garth ]

Nancy: Wayne, you are not my Dad.

Wayne: Hey, no guff. But I’ll tell you one thing, you know – he’s got the hots for you, man. He says you’re a babe. You are a marked woman!

Nancy: [ excited ] Are you kidding? He knows who I am! [ screams joyfully ]

Wayne: [ mimics fish gills ] Fished in!

Garth: Caught her! He hooked her, he cleaned her! Fished in! Fished in!

Nancy: You guys are pail. You’re really bucket.

Wayne: Nice try! No one says that any more, alright? God, you’re prehistoric! You’re pre-cambrian. That’s all the time we have for this week. Until then – goodnight, party on!

Garth: Goodnight, party on!

Wayne: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!”

[ title out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Sprockets

Announcer…..Phil Hartman
Dieter…..Mike Myers
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey

[FADE IN on the “Sprockets” opening, with the nuclear bomb and city scenes.]

Announcer: Shprockets. Shprockets. Vest German television presents, “Shprockets.” Vith your host: Dieter.

[SUPERIMPOSE “LIVE SHOW” and then FADE to Dieter.]

Dieter: Velcome to “Shprockets,” I am your host, Dieter. Tonight our guest is vone of America’s foremost poets of anarchy and rebellion. An obsessed outcast, whose dark visions drag us to the edge. His book, “Jimmy Shtewart and His Poems”… [holds up book] …is filled with biting images that assault the senses, unmasking both reader and poet alike in a macabre dance of despair. He has also appeared in films. Please velcome Jimmy Shtewart!

[Audience cheers as Dieter stands up, claps stiffly, and then sits again. Jimmy Stewart finally dodders onstage in a dark gray suit and dark-rimmed glasses. He takes a seat next to Dieter.]

Dieter: Mr. Shtewart. Critic Graus Greck, in the latest issue of “Verdkunst,” described your book as an asylum, vhere man meets his Creator and screams.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, uh, thank you, Dieter. That’s, uh… Y’know–y’know, Gloria and I are big fans of YOURS.

Dieter: In your poem, “Old Rocking Chair,” you write: “You sit in the corner/Old rocking chair/It makes me feel good/To know you are there.”

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah…

Dieter: I feel emotionally obliterated.

Jimmy Stewart: I’m glad–glad–glad to HEAR that, y’see, good poetry is about DESTRUCTION.

Dieter: Under vhat conditions does a man experience such raw truth?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, Dieter, it’s no picnic, I can tell you that right now. I was holed up in a Mexico City slum. I hadn’t eaten in weeks, and what few pesos I had, I’d spent on alcohol. Some cheap crap called chocho. I was down and out. That’s when I wrote “Good Old Rockin’ Chair.” You see, you’ve gotta go through the PAIN.

Dieter: And vhat of your poem, “Funny Little Pooch”?

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. There’s a rather interesting story about that “Funny Little Pooch” thing… There was a period of intense creativity for me, Dii-eter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Dooter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. yeah. You know, I’d been hitchhiking through Paraguay when I finally settled in Bella Cristo with a 15-year-old WHORE. For a week straight, I was either having sex or hallucinating. Yeah… And then I woke up one morning and she was GONE… she’s just–just GONE. And she’d taken all my stuff, and I–I just got crazy paranoid for a minute–well–you–know–how it can be. And I just curled up on that floor like a little baby, and just bawled my eyes out. And–and then a very interesting thing happened. I realized that I was just a speck of crud in a godless VOID. And twenty minutes later, I’d written “Funny Little Pooch.”

Dieter: Jimmy Shtewart: you are a running sore. Running from yourself, yet your scab heals us all.

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. Yeah. Well, y’know, I just do what I do.

[laughter]

Dieter: May I read a passage from “My Kitten, My Pal”?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, I’d be HONORED, Dau-Daughter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Dooter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah.

Dieter: [reading] “My kitten, my pal/You sit on my lap–”

Jimmy Stewart: Well, well, now–now–wait a minute. Now, now, you gotta read it–you gotta SCREAM it, like it’s a matter of life and death, you, can-can I show you… how, here… [takes book from him]

Dieter: Go right ahead.

Jimmy Stewart: All right… [reading] “My kitten, my pal/You sit on my lap/You’re a friendly sort of chap.” [muttering] I’m a little… thirsty here…

[Jimmy picks up a bottle of tequila and swigs from it.]

Jimmy Stewart: Now… GOOD.

[sets bottle down between him and Dieter]

Jimmy Stewart: [reading] “A little bit of gray and a little bit of white/I’ll tell you, little kitten/You’re doing all right.” Yeah.

Dieter: That poem pulls down my pants and taunts me.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, that’s exactly what it’s supposed to do. Yeah, it’s not rare when something happens like–I wrote that one on a piece of toilet paper, after waking up in a puddle of my own SICK.

[laughter]

Jimmy Stewart: Now, it wasn’t pretty, wasn’t pretty.

Dieter: Is it true that you vonce killed a man?

Jimmy Stewart: N-now, now, wait a minute there, Daughter. No–

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: That’s right, Dieter. No man ever really dies by the hand of another, you see, every man’s responsible for his own DEATH. And by the way, you haven’t asked me if I want to touch your MONKEY.

Dieter: I thought it beneath you.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, Dieter, if that monkey knew where I’d been, he wouldn’t LET me touch him.

Dieter: Then touch him. Touch him! Touch my monkey! [babbles in German] Touch him, LOVE HIM!

Jimmy Stewart: [walks over to monkey] All right, you little pal, let’s go–

[Dieter’s monkey squeals and jumps off his pedestal after Jimmy touches him.]

Jimmy Stewart: [yanks back hand] Oh! Oh, son of a bitch BIT me!

[Jimmy leaps back to the table and breaks off the top of the tequila bottle.]

Jimmy Stewart: [brandishing broken bottleneck] C’mon, monkey, let’s see what’s in that belly of yours!

Dieter: [standing up] Now is the time on “Shprockets” when we dance!

[The theme song starts up as the other dancers join Dieter and dance stiffly. After a moment, Jimmy squats down and starts doing the Charleston.]

Dieter: That’s all the time we have on “Shprockets.” Our guest has been Jimmy Shtewart. My name is Dieter. Auf wiedersehen.

[Dieter trots up close to the camera and dances in front of it.]

Jimmy Stewart: Hi, Gloria! [waves] I’ll see ya in six weeks! I’m making a pit stop in Turkey!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Airplane Terrorists

Dave…..Bruce Willis
Woman…..Victoria Jackson
Terrorist Leader…..Phil Hartman
Terrorist Band…..Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon
Man…..Jon Lovitz
Second Man…..Tom Davis
Nun…..
Third Man…..Dana Carvey
Fight Attendant…..Jan Hooks

[ open on exterior, cheap prop plane being pulled across a fake sky by a visible string ]

[ dissolve to interior, crowded airplane, coach section ]

[ zoom in on Dave talking to a woman in the second row from the back ]

Dave: — I say we get out of here right now. Come on! This midair thing – it’s just not you! What do you say? I can picture it: a life raft, a warm breeze.. a six-pack of champagne?

Woman: [ laughs, enjoying herself ]

Dave: By the way – my name’s Dave. My friends call me Dave, but you can call me Boo-Boo Bear!

Woman: [ laughs again ] Boo-Boo Bear! You’re so funny! You know – we’ve been on this plane three hours, and you have not said one unfunny thing! I mean, I’ve never met anybody who was so constantly witty! Are you ever serious?

Dave: [ still kidding around ] For a very brief time – in the morning. And, if you’re lucky, you may get to see me early in the morning!

Woman: [ laughs harder ] You’re incredible!

[ the playful banter is interrupted by the intrusion of a band of terrorists. Their leader addresses the crowd ]

Terrorist Leader: SILENCE!! Nobody has to move! We’re perfectly ready to KILL you – one – by – one. If anyone gives us ANY reason at all! Is that clear!

Dave: Not exactly! I’m a little confused on that “any reason at all” thing. Would, say, tugging on your beard – would that be a good reason?

Woman: [ unable to help herself, the woman Dave has been flirting with chuckles ]

Terrorist Leader: WHAT?! You think that is FUNNY?! Then, you die! [ to his band of terrorists ] Take her!

Woman: Oh, my God! No! No! No!

[ she is pulled toward the cockpit and shot twice, as the other passengers scream in panic ]

Terrorist Leader: Well! now you see that we mean business! We MEAN what we SAY!

Dave: Ah! But do you say what you mean Because you can SAY what you MEAN, and still not mean what you say! But you know what the really, most important thing is? Your HEALTH! You HAVE your health!

Terrorist Leader: [ growls in frustration ] KILL another! [ points to the man seated in the row in front of Dave ]

[ the band of terrorists yank the man out of his seat, much to his surprise, and pull him toward the cockpit ]

Man: What?! No, no! Please!! HE said it!!

[ two more shots ring out, as the other passengers scream ]

Terrorist Leader: [ ambles over to Dave ] SO! Yoo thought this was a JOKE!

Dave: [ chuckles ] No, no, this is a joke: Three ragheads walk into a bar – see?

Terrorist Leader: ENOUGH!! [ to his band ] KILL two more!

[ the band yank a man and a woman from their seats in the back row and pull them toward the cockpit ]

Second Man: No! No! No, please!

[ three shots ring out, the other passengers scream ]

Terrorist Leader: NEXT! We will.. [ looks around, points to a nun ] KILL THE NUN!! [ points a stern finger at Dave ] THAT will eat at you for the rest of your LIFE!

Dave: You mean, like that Coach Class cannoloni they gave me a half-an-hour ago! [ laughs ]

Terrorist Leader: [ outraged ] INCREDIBLE!! [ grabs the nun ] You! Come with me!

Nun: No! Please! No! No! No!

[ the Terrorist Leader himself drags the nun toward the cockpit ]

Dave: Write when you get work!

[ two more shots from the cockpit, everyone continues to scream in horror ]

[ a third man approaches Dave from the rear of the plane ]

Third Man: Look, uh, excuse me, I don’t want to interrupt, but, uh – we really think you’re clever. I mean, you really come up with them like that! [ snaps his fingers in rhythm ] I mean, it’s very entertaining —

Dave: [ still “on” ] Well, you obviously haven’t read the in-flight magazine – now, that is some entertainment, my friend!

Thir Man: [ laughs, in spite of himself ] Well, it just seems that it-it-it’s causing a lot of people to die! To die —

[ Terrorist Leader stomps down the aisle ]

Terrorist Leader: What’s going on?!

Dave: Just girl talk, nothing you’d be interested in!

Terrorist Leader: [ fumed, points at the third man ] HE dies!

[ the band grabs him, and drags him toward the cockpit ]

Third Man: Wait a minute! Hey! I was trying to STOP him!! IDIOT!!

[ two shots ring out, passengers scream and cry ]

Terrorist Leader: Now! I have decided that we have killed too many to land in grace. We are going to Beirut!

Dave: [ raises his hand ] Uh, question: Will this be added to my frequent-flyer mileage?

Terrorist Leader: [ angry, points to the back row ] That whole row! Kill them ALL!!

[ the band raise their machine guns and fire rapidly toward the back row ]

Terrorist Leader: A little more over there.

[ the band fire a few more shots out towar the back row ]

Terrorist Leader: [ turns to Dave ] You know, THAT was not even a particularly GOOD quip! But, yet, so many DIED! Does this not HORRIFY YOU?!

Dave: [ stands ] You want to know what horrifies me, Habib? That you’re still doing this Don Johnson number with your beard – the show’s been cancelled, my friend – wake up! Now, look – it’s over! you’ve been out in the sand a little too long! Look, you can’t just go from riding camels to hijacking planes! You gotta work your way UP! Try some agricultural machinery – if that works out, hijack a truck! If you’re still in the business after that, look me up. [ hands over his business card ] Here’s my card – just don’t call me before eleven!

Terrorist Leader: [ has finally had enough ] That’s it. [ removes a hand grenade from his pocket ] ONE more quip.. and I am BLOWING UP THIS PLANE!!

[ the other passengers do their best to hide under their seats ]

Dave: Hold it, hold it, hold it, buddy! Can you at least wait until after the movie’s over? I’m out three bucks for these headphones!

Terrorist Leader: [ frustrated ] D’ohhhhhhhhh!! [ pulls the pin from the hand grenade ]

[ cut to the exterior shot of the prop plane dangiling on the string, as it explodes, leaving nothing but the tail section left to drop ]

[ cut to Dave and the Flight Attendant floating to the ground, their arms waving through the air ]

Dave: I figure we got two minutes – if we keep the floor flight of forty seconds, we’ll be in GREAT shape!

Flight Attendant: [ laughs ] You are SO clever! [ laughs ]

[ frame widens to reveal the Terrorist Leader also floating down and laughing with them ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Neil Young performs “Rockin’ in the Free World”

…..Neil Young

Bruce Willis: Ladies and gentlemen – Neil Young!

Neil Young:
“There’s colors on the street
Red, white and blue
People shufflin’ their feet
People sleepin’ in their shoes
But there’s a warnin’ sign
on the road ahead
There’s a lot of people sayin’
we’d be better off dead
Don’t feel like Satan,
but I am to them
So I try to forget it,
any way I can.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

I see a woman in the night
With a baby in her hand
Under an old street light
Near a garbage can
Now she puts the kid away,
and she’s gone to get a hit
She hates her life,
and what she’s done to it
There’s one more kid
that will never go to school
Never get to fall in love,
never get to be cool.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

We got a thousand points of light
For the homeless man
We got a kinder, gentler,
Machine gun hand
We got department stores
and toilet paper
Got styrofoam boxes
for the ozone layer
Got a man of the people,
says keep hope alive
Got fuel to burn,
got roads to drive.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Bruce Willis’ Monologue

…..Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you. It’s good to be back, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Now, a lot of people don’t know this, but, uh.. back in 1979, I worked here at “Saturday Night Live” for a brief period. Not as a performer, but.. as a caterer. I delivered, uh.. (crue-de-t’at ??).. almonds.. to the cast members; it was very good. I took pride in my work. However, I was let go. They said I had an attitude problem. So, I left. Time has passed, things have happened. Now, “Saturday Night Live” has asked me to come back. I told them I’m no longer in the catering business. They said it didn’t matter, they wanted me to come back anyway. I nearly said “Yes!” right then. But, of course, my feelings were still hurt, and I told them I would only come back to the show if I could sing with the band. And they said, “Fine, we’d like to think about it.” Well, that was two years ago. They’ve had time to think about it, I’ve had time to think about it, so, if you don’t mind, right now I still would like to play with the band. G.E., are you ready?

[ the house band breaks into song, as Bruce whips out his harmonica and joins them for a number ]

[ singing ]

“You told me how hard you think you’re working
You say your 9 to 5 done got you down!
Just grab your stuff and come on down to my place, yeah!
We’re gonna show you how to fool around!

It’s all right!It’s okay!Need a pep talk.

I can’t tell you hoew to run your life, boy
But all I know is time is passing by!
Let’s get going, this ain’t no rehearsal, yeah
Don’t be scared to crack a little smile.

You’re all right!You’re okay!Need a pep talk.

I…. want to tell you something, oh yeah
Any day you waste, you won’t get back
I…. had to learn the hard way, oh yeah
But a little pep talk put me back on track!”

[ wailing harmonica interlude ]

“You’ve got a good thing, you don’t even know it!
All work, no play, makes Jack a little lbue!
But if it don’t kill you, it just makes you stronger, yeah!
Let’s take some time, we’ll concentrate on you.

You’re all right!You’re okay!Need a pep talk.

Whooooo!”

[ playing harmonica ]

Here we go!

[ music pauses ]Huh-ow!

We’ll be right back, we got a great show! Neil Young is here, we’ll be right back! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts