Category:

Make Joan Baez Laugh

Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
Howie Mandel…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: It’s time to play America’s most challenging show: “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! With our host, Big Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! Before I bring out Joanie – Joan – Miss Baez – Ms. Baez! Whoo! I’d like to point out that tonight is sort of a milestone for us. We’re beginning our 9th season, which makes us the longest-running game show in television history! Thank you! We’ve had over 2,000 amateur and professional comedians on the show trying to make Joan Baez laugh, and so far no one’s succeeded. Let’s see what our jackpot is up to!

Announcer: Bill, it’s $2,560,000!

Bill Franklin: Yeah! Over $2.5 million! She’s incredible, sin’t she? Well, let’s bring her out now, the star of our show, Ms. Joan Baez!

[ Joan Baez walks out sad-faced with her guitar in tow ]

Joan Baez: [ singing ]
“Why Chernobyl?
Why, why, why why?
Why George Gobol?
Why, why, why why?
Why the bombs in Paris?
Why, why, why why?
Why did Jean Harris kill that guy?
Why, pourque, why?”

Bill Franklin: Oh, boy! Joan, how do you do it? Nine years without evrn cracking a smile?

Joan Baez: How can anyone laugh, Bill, when there’s so much suffering in the world? THe United States is the wealthiest nation on Earth, and yet we still have millions of children who go to bed hungry.

Bill Franklin: Mmm.. yeah, it reminds me of that joke – A bum walks up to a guy, and he says, “I haven’t eaten in three weeks.” And the guy says, “You should force yourself!” [ laughs ] Anyway. I hate that joke. I was sure that guy on last night was going to get to you, though. He did over twenty minutes of scathing material on Ronald Reagan, whoo!

Joan Baez: I don’t think there’s anything funny about Ronald Reagan. He is responsible for the escalating arms race, and for enslaving our Latino brothers and sisters.

Bill Franklin: Yeah. Exactly. [ rolls eyes ] Hey, you know, there’s something I’ve been wanting to do for years! [ tickles Joan’s arms ] Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo! Anyway.. we have six terrific young comics waiting to try their luck!

Joan Baez: Well, I’m not really in the mood, because I have a terrific headache.

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa, great, she has a headache! She hasn’t giggled in nie years, and tonight she has a headache. Talk about your impossible dream, huh? Well, Joan, take your throne! [ Joan takes her seat on the set ] Can we get a couple of aspirin and a glass of water for Joan? [ aspirin and water is brought forth ] Now, let’s meet our first lamb for the slaughter. You know him from “St. Elsewhere” and numerous HBO specials. Let’s bring him out now, he’s crazy, he’s unpredictable, he’s wacky! The one and only Howie Mandel! Come on, Howie!

[ Howie enters wearing a rubber glove-shaped bag around his body ]

Howie Mandel: What! What! Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh! What! What! Okay, what! What! What’s your name! What’s your name! What’s your name! Okay, I asked you three times, What’s your name!

Joan Baez: [ angry ] Joan!

Howie Mandel: Joan! Okay! Hey, Joan, you ever seen this! Oo-ooh! [ pulls rubber glove over his head and inflates the fingers with his nose ]

[ unable to control the urge, Joan does a spit-take and finally laughs ]

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!! We have a winner!! Congratulations! Oh, I swear, I was gonna try that rubber glove thing four years ago, I didn’t think it had a chance! Aw! Here’s your check, Howie Mandel! Join us next week, when we begin our new series: “Make Joey Hetherton Eat”! Thanks a lot, everybody!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

“I Saw God”

Daughter…..Rosanna Arquette
Dad…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, diner, Daughter sitting with Dad at table in back ]

Daughter: I know, I know..

Dad: Your mother’s been worried sick for two weeks.

Daughter: Dad, I gotta do this. You’ll see, I’m gonna be on M-TV!

Dad: You can do anything you want. Just call your mother, okay?

Daughter: Okay.

Dad: I love you, baby.

Daughter: Me, too, Daddy.

[ Daddy exits diner ]

[ music pots up ]

Daughter: [ crawls onto table and sings ]
“I was sitting in a coffee shop
staring at the metropolis on the wall.
I hard a voice call out to me
it wasn’t the waiter’s call.

I saw God!
He told me to say what I really feel.
I saw God!
He told me to say what I really mean.
To cut my hair and dye it green.
I saw God!

I was trying to think what to think
so I closed my eyes trying to search my soul.
Muzak was playing the the Rolling Stones
I want to be in rock and roll

I saw God!
He told me to say what I really mean.
I spoke to God!
He told me to feel what I really felt.
He told me to order the tuna melt.
I saw God!
I saw God!

I was touched by God
He told me art is everything.
Art is everywhere
In the cigarette, in the ash tray
and in the words we say.

I saw God!
I saw God!
I saw God!

He said, “I love you, my child.”
I spoke to God.
He said, “My child, do as I say
Release your single on RCA.”
I saw God!
I saw God!”

SNL Transcripts

Helmsley Spook House

Man…..Phil Hartman
Leona Helmsley…..Nora Dunn

Man: Honestly. Why can’t someone invent a spook house that doesn’t insult my intelligence?

Leona Helmsley: Someone has! Hello, I’m Leona Helmsley, welcoming you to the Helmsley Spook House, located atop the Helmsley Hotel in midtown Manhatten. From the moment you arrive, we pamper like no other spook house has ever pampered you.

Right away you’ll notice the little things, things like real skeletons – never plastic. Live rats. Real cow eyes. We could have skimped and used peeled grapes, but our customers would have known the difference – I know I would. And, walls that drip real human blood. I wouldn’t be frightened by animal blood, why should you be?

[ Leona’s staff chases after a couple, stopping only when she claps her hands ]

And then there’s our staff. Courteous, efficient, and fluent in several languages. Unlike the lazy clock-watchers you’ll find at cut-rate spook houses.

Now, granted, an evening at the Helmsley Spook is not inexpensive – but then, the best seldom is.

Announcer: The Helmsley Spook House. For reservations call 1-800-SCARE-ME. Children under 18 not admitted.

Leona Helmsley: I’ll be seeing you – in your nightmares! [ cackles ]

SNL Transcripts

The People’s Court

Doug Llewellen…..Kevin Nealon
Judge Wopner…..Phil Hartman
Vonda Braithwaite…..Rosanna Arquette
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
Vonda’s Mother…..Jan Hooks
Bailiff…..Andy Murphy

[ open on shot of Vonda Briathwaite and her Mother entering the courtroom and preparing themselves at their bench ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: This is Vonda Braithwaite, the Plaintiff. She sold her immortal soul to the Devil in exchange for success in her hairdresing business, but now claims that the Devil cheated her. She seeks nullification of the contract, plus damages.

[ image of Vonda and Mother is raised to the top of the screen, as “VONDA BRAITHWAITE PLAINTIFF SUING FOR: Nullification of Contract Plus $1,800” is typed across the bottom of the screen ]

[ cut to Mephistopheles entering the courtroom and preparing himself at his bench ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: This is Mephistopheles, the Devil. He claims that he did keep his part of the bargain, and that the Plaintiff is simply trying to wuelch out of her legal committment. He seeks the soul, plus court costs.

[ image of Mephitopheles is raised to the top of the screen, as “MEPHISTOPHELES (THE DEVIL) DEFENDANT SUING FOR: Soul Plus Court Costs” is typed across the bottom of the screen ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: The situation you are about to see is real. The people are not actors, they are actual litigants and cases filed in a California municipal court. They have agreed to waive their right to trial and to have their disputes settled in our forum.

[ cut to Doug standing in the outer hallway ]

Doug Llewellen: “The People’s Court”! Hello, I’m Doug Llewellen. In a moment, the case of the Beautician and the Beast. Judge Wopner will enter the courtroom shortly to hear testimony from the two parties.

[ cut to Judge Wopner entering the courtroom and taking his seat at his bench ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: Oh, here he is now.

Judge Wopner: Please be seated. I’ve read your statements. Now, Miss Braithwaite, you are the owner of a business establishment known as the Hair Affair?

Vonda Braithwaite: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: And, several months ago, the Defendant appeared to you in the form of some kind of large dog?

Vonda Braithwaite: A rottweiler, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: And you agreed to sell your mortal soul in return for success in the hairstyling field, is that correct?

Vonda Braithwaite: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: Mr. Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: Yes, your Honor?

Judge Wopner: [ unrolling scroll ] I have here a copy of the contract. I see that it is written in blood. The language in this document is fairly vague. Now, how exactly did you help Miss Braithwaite’s business?

Mephistopheles: Well, your Honor, in addition to giving her day-to-day advice in the running of a small business – tax planning, and so on – I advanced her nearly $2,700 for new equipment. Now, I have here three cancelled checks – one is for $1,260, one os for $940..

Judge Wopner: May I see those, please?

Mephistopheles: Yes. [ walks forward ]

Judge Wopner: Come on, let’s go, let’s go.

Mephistopheles: This is a receipt from the Anita Barver Supply Co. for three bonnet-style hairdryers. As you can see, they –

Judge Wopner: Yes, yes. I’ll study this. [ takes the receipts ] Miss Braithwaite, is this your signature on this check.

Vonda Braithwaite: Yes, your Honor.

Vonda’s Mother: Your Honor, I would like to say something, if I could, please.

Judge Wopner: Excuse me, are you a relative of the Plaintiff?

Vonda’s Mother: I am her mother.

Judge Wopner: And what is your occupation?

Vonda’s Mother: I am a barfly.

Judge Wopner: And, by that, you mean you loiter in bars waiting for men you don’t know to buy you drinks?

Vonda’s Mother: That is correct, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: Proceed.

Vonda’s Mother: Well, I don’t think that Vonda here knew what she was getting into this contract, now. She is only 18 years old, your Honor. 18, going on 8.

Vonda Braithwaite: [ annoyed ] Mother!

Vonda’s Mother: It’s true! Now, I’m telling you, she doesn’t understand words like “immortality” or a “soul” or “eternity”, or any of that business..

Vonda Braithwaite: Mother, I do!

Vonda’s Mother: [ whispering ] Vonda, I’m gonna smack you, honey, you’ve got to hush.

Judge Wopner: Alright. Thank you. I will take that under advisement. Now, Miss Braithwaite, in your deposition you state that, shortly after you started your business and went into agreement with the Devil, your business actually began to lose money. Now, is this your idea of success in business, Mr. Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: [ with a smirk ] Well, your Honor, that was kind of a trick. You see, as I promised Miss Braithwaite, I made her a great hairdresser. Her coifs were magical. Once you got one, you never needed another.

Judge Wopner: So there was no repeat business?

Mephistopheles: Exactly! But it’s more or less customary for me to cheat mortals in this way. By observing only the letter of the agreement. For example, I’ll give someone eternal youth, then have them sentenced to life imprisonment. That sort of thing. It’s pretty standard. I’m the Devil!

Judge Wopner: Now, according to Miss Braithwaite’s deposition, shortly after she filed the lawsuit, you began to harass her. Is that correct?

Mephistopheles: Your Honor, that is totally ridiculous.

Vonda Braithwaite: [ enraged ] What about coming to my house in the form of a black cat!

Mephistopheles: That was probably a black cat.

Vonda’s Mother: Well, what about throwing all that garbage into our yard! What was that!

Mephistopheles: I did not put garbage into your yard!

Vonda Braithwaite: Who hit my car in the parking lot, it didn’t dent by itself!

Mephistopheles: Now, you listen to me, I’m Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness! When I start harassing you, you’ll know it!

Vonda’s Mother: I’ll tell you, if I find any more garbage in my yard, I’m gonna..

Mephistopheles: Shut up!! Shut up!!

Judge Wopner: [ banging gavel ] Mr. Mephistopheles, I’m warning you! You may hold dominion over the nether regions, but I run this court! Is that clear!

Mephistopheles: [ steamed ] Yes, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: Now, if the parties have calmed down, I’m ready with my decision. It’s clear that there was a contract between the two parties. What is not clear is the extent to which the Defendent kept his part of the bargain..

Mephistopheles: Your Honor, it’s clear that..

Judge Wopner: [ angry ] Mr. Mephistopheles, please! [ calmed down ] But, in view of the Plaintiff’s age, and the fact that she obviously did not understand what she was getting into, this court must fine for Miss Braithwaite.

[ Vonda and her mother scream joyously ]

Judge Wopner: The Defendant is hereby ordered to pay damages, and also to maintain a minimum distance of 500 yards between himself and the Plaintiff at all times.

[ show split-screen of Vonda and Mephitopheles at their tables, she happy, he fuming. SUPER: “JUDGMENT: PLAINTIFF” ]

Doug Llewellen: So Judge Wopner fines for the Plaintiff, Vonda Braithwaite. Let’s get a reaction. [ Vonda and her mother exit the courtroom ] Vonda, what have you learned from all of this? Will you ever sell your soul to the Devil again?

Vonda Braithwaite: [ thinking ] Well.. only for something really good, like eternal youth, or a really nice car.

Doug Llewellen: And, Mrs. Braithwaite, if I may say so, you look awfully young to be Vonda’s mother.

Vonda’s Mother: Well.. I’m 33, but that’s very nice of you to say.

[ they turn away as Mephistopheles exits the courtroom ]

Doug Llewellen: And let’s get a reaction from the Devil! Mephistopheles, any comment? Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: Leave me alone! [ apologetic ] I’m sorry. It’s not you, Doug. It’s just that I’m out $2,700 that I’ll probably never see again, plus I have to pay damages. What am I gonna do with three Bonnet hairdryers? Mark my word, the wench will be mine!

Doug Llewellen: Next time, you’ll get it in writing?

Mephistopheles: I had it in writing. [ stares hypnotically at the camera ] You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live eternally!

Doug Llewellen: That’s all for this edition of “The People’s Court”.

Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obediance to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!

Bailiff: Come on, let’s go! Come on!

Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second.. Obey me! Obey me! [ laughs evilly ]

Doug Llewellen: Remember..

[ Mephistopheles continues to laugh evilly, as the Bailiff pulls him offscreen, but he jumps in for one more onscreen bout of laughter before being pulled away for good ]

Doug Llewellen: Remember, if someone cheats you in a business dealing, and you feel you’re being intimidated, don’t take the law into your own hands. You take them to court.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 8th, 1986

Rosanna Arquette

Ric Ocasek

Ron Darling

Ric Ocasek, “Emotion in Motion”.

Newsreel

Last week’s World Series caused SNL to be pre-taped for this week.

Neck With Producer

Pathological Liar Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) tells Arquette he’s Lorne Michaels.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Rosanna Arquette’s Monologue

Arquette doesn’t want to say too much about who she’s voting for.

The People’s Court

Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) is sued by hairdresser (Arquette) he cheated.

Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Church Chat

Church Lady (Dana Carvey) prejudges Arquette and Ric Ocasek

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jenny Baker,

Helmsley Spook House

Leona Helmsley (Nora Dunn) goes all out to scare visitors.

Recurring Characters: Leona Helmsley,

Ric Ocasek performs “Emotion in Motion”

Pork Ad I

Eat it while you still can.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

A. Whitney Brown gives his thoughts on censorship.

The Sammies

The Sammies (Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon) have low expectations for their lives.

Recurring Characters: Sammie, Sammie.

“Dog Baseball”

William Wegman film shows dogs playing baseball.

Make Joan Baez Laugh

Comedians lend a hand on impossible-to-win game show.

Pork Ad II

Think of it as a reward.

Ric Ocasek performs “Keep On Laughin'”

Koko & Mishu

Koko (Dennis Miller) teaches patience to Lebee (Kevin Nealon).

“I Saw God”

“Pango, Giant Dog of Tokyo”

Japanese miniatures are terrorized in film.

SNL Transcripts

Team Xynex

Employee…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: Time. Your company’s most precious resource. At Xynex, we design office systems that save time, by making your employees more productive, whether you require high-speed data printing..

[ employee prints out homemade birthday card ]

..integrated text-imprintings..

[ employees doodles on computer screen ]

..letter-perfect originals..

[ employee types a chain letter ]

..or.. picture-perfect copies.

[ employee puts his asscheeks on photocopier ]

Team Xynex has the answers.

[ group of employees crowd around the telephone ]

Employee: Maybe you’d like to talk to the boss, huh!

[ employees all laugh ]

Announcer: The Xynex office. People with time on their hands.

SNL Transcripts

Johnny O’Connor

Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Johnny O’Connor…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: 1947 Hollywood ]

[ open on Harry’s office – the walls adorned with Johnny O’Connor movie posters ]

Harry: Johnny! Good to see you!

Johnny O’Connor: Hello, Harry, how’s tricks?

Harry: not bad for an old dog! [ both men laugh ] Have a seat. [ Johnny sits ] How’s the film going?

Johnny O’Connor: Well, I just shot the last scene. [ re-enacts that last scene for Harry ] There I was in the cockpit, surrounded by zeroes, enemy aircraft carrier in my sight! My machine guns were empty! I had one bullet left! [ screams ] Aaaagggghhhhhhh!!!!

Harry: [ jumps up ] Alright, snap out of it!

Johnny O’Connor: You snap out of it!

Harry: You snap out of it! [ slaps Jonnhy’s face ]

Johnny O’Connor: Sorry, Harry. I think I got a little lost in this role.

Harry: Yeah, I guess you did.

Johnny O’Connor: Anyway, I’m sure “Yankee Kamikazee” is going to be a real winner.

Harry: Well, I hope you’re right..

Johnny O’Connor: [ reflecting ] Maybe I’ve made too many of these war movies. Maybe I should take a rest, huh, Harry?

Harry: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Johnny.. I was thinking you should take a rest, too. A permanent one.

Johnny O’Connor: [ confused ] What do you mean?

Harry: I’m letting you go.

Johnny O’Connor: You mean..?

Harry: Yes. Your contract isn’t being renewed.

Johnny O’Connor: But, Harry, I..

Harry: You’re finished, Johnny!

Johnny O’Connor: Don’t mince words!

Harry: I think you stink!

Johnny O’Connor: Listen, Harry, if you’re unhappy with my work, tell me now!

Harry: You’re through, do you hear me, through! You’ll never work in this town again!

Johnny O’Connor:Don’t leave me hanging by a thread! Let me know how I stand!

Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!

Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?

Harry: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Johnny O’Connor: you’ve been flying in that airplane too long, and it’s time you were grounded!

Johnny O’Connor: Nobody shoots down Johnny O’Connor.. You’re forgetting something, Harry! I’m a hero! I’ve made twelve war movies for you, Harry, and they’ve all made gold! I’ve knocked more Mitsubishis out of the sky than any man alive!

Harry: Look, Johnny.. Johnny, you’re forgetting something: the Japanese are our allies now. The war is over, Johnny. So are you.

Johnny O’Connor: [ persistent ] Is it the booze, Harry? The dames? I’ll cut back!

Harry: No, no, Johnny..

Johnny O’Connor: Is it the pills?

Harry: No.

Johnny O’Connor: The sheep?

Harry: No.

Johnny O’Connor: The ducks?

Harry: No.

Johnny O’Connor: Your wife?

Harry: No, not.. what?!

Johnny O’Connor: What?!

Harry: What?! Oh! Get off!

Johnny O’Connor: [ near tears ] I’m sorry if I let you down, Harry. You’ve always been like a father to me..

Harry: [ reconsidering ] Oh, Johnny.. Johnny.. Alright. I’m going to give you one more chance..

Johnny O’Connor: [ excited ] Do you mean it, Harry?

Harry: Yes, I’m afraid I do.. Now, listen – I’m doing a new picture: “Reptilla”. A lizard gets mutated by an atomic blast, see? It swells up, twenty stories high! And there’s a fire-breathing tango all over Tokyo!

Johnny O’Connor: [ thinking ] Yeah.. yeah.. I think I can play a giant reptile..

Harry: Don’t be ridiculous! Reptilla will be played by a man in a rubber suit.

Johnny O’Connor: Oh.. I don’t want my face covered.

Harry: Of course not. Now, the part I have in mind for you is this one.. [ flips through script ] You’re Man #3.

Johnny O’Connor: Man #3.

Harry: You’re on an elevated train. You slip off, and get squished by Reptilla’s toe. Here, read this line.

Johnny O’Connor: [ looks at the line and recites it dramatically ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!

Harry: Good! You can start packing, we sail a week from Tuesday.

Johnny O’Connor: Thanks, Harry, you won’t regret it! [ walks away from Harry ]

Harry: Hey, don’t forget your script!

Johnny O’Connor: [ returns, grabs script ] Yes! Science fiction! The wave of the future!

SNL Transcripts

Donahue

Phil Donahue…..Phil Hartman
Elaine Poldask…..Victoria Jackson
Phyllis Sykes…..Jan Hooks
Dr. Norma Hoeffering…..Nora Dunn
First Man…..Jon Lovitz
Second Man…..Kevin Nealon

[ Scene: Donahue Studio. Guests seated on stage, facing audience. Donahue stands in the audience bleachers with his microphone and cards. ]

Phil Donahue: Women.. are exploited in relationships! Because there’s a lot of men out there who live off them, who, who cheat on them, who, who off them, and then when they’re done using ’em, throw ’em out like last night’s garbage. [ applause from audience ] Yeah, but…you women are exploited because you want to be exploited. [ jeers from audience ] No, you want someone to take responsibility for your life and take responsibility for your problems. If I don’t exploit you, you’ll find someone else who will! [ to camera ] We’re in New York talking about women trapped in exploitive relationships.

[ Cut to “Donahue” title and theme music. Fade in to Donahue on stage ]

Phil Donahue: Elaine Poldask. You’ve been involved with a married man for eight years.

Elaine Poldask: Nine.

Phil Donahue: [ to audience] Nine years! [ to Elaine ] Why do you do it to yourself? You know, why do you keep coming back for more?

Elaine Poldask: Well, I only suspected that he was married five years ago, and then I asked him about it four years ago, and then I got the evidence three years ago, and then I confronted him with it two years ago, and finally he admitted it only last year, so really, to be fair, it has only been a year.

Phil Donahue: [ stares blankly turns to Phyllis ] Phyllis Sykes.You’ve had a string of degrading relationships.

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, I have.

Phil Donahue: Now, your last boyfriend.. [ reads cards ] ..got drunk, totaled your car, with you in it! Which left you in intensive care for over a year and.. [ Phyllis starts to cry ] ..during your painful convalescence he never visited you, he withdrew your life savings, spent the money on other women! Held orgies in your apartment, got you evicted.. [ lifts his head, stares effortlessly and shakes it in disgust ] ..and yet I understand you still live with this man.

Phyllis Sykes: [ suddenly smiles ] Well.. you would really have to meet him! David’s like.. he’s like a bad little boy, you know? He’s like.. he looks at me with these big puppy dog eyes, and I just.. I can’t stay mad at him.

Phil Donahue: [ in a low tone ] Now, he.. sold you to an Iraqibusinessman. Didn’t he?

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, yes he did. But his landscaping business wasfaltering, and there was – he needed the money, and David.. David neverintended for it to be permanent, see.

Phil Donahue: With us today is Dr. Norma Hoeffering, author of the book, Women Good, Men Bad. Doctor, you know, what the heck’s going on?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Well, Phil, these women lack a basic sense of self-worth; they feel they deserve whatever they get.

Phil Donahue: Now, what prompted you to write Women Good, MenBad? Was it something in your personal life?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it.

Phil Donahue: Oh come on now, doctor! [ paces the stage ]Isn’t this the kind of ivory tower, armchair analysis yousociologists are always handing us? Elaine and Phyllis poured their hearts out to us. Now surely you can tell us a little bit about your personal experience with men. [ convincingly puts one foot up on the stage, right in front of Norma, and faces down ]

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: My personal experience simply is not relevant to the topic. I am a clinical psychologist; this is my field of expertise. [ Donahue starts beating his head with the microphone ] I’m perfectly willing to enlighten you on why women stay in degrading relationships, but I will not discuss my personal life.

Phil Donahue: [ looks up and begs ] Pleeease!

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Drop it.

Phil Donahue: [ stands up straight ] Elaine, you gave up a career for a married man.

Elaine Poldask: Yes.. um.. because he was married, he could only give me fifteen minutes notice before a date, so I had to sit by the phone to wait for his call.

Phil Donahue: And you had been a marine biologist.

Elaine Poldask: Yes. But it was impossible for me to go to sea when I had to wait for his calls.

Phil Donahue: Okay, we’ve got a caller. Are you there? Hi!

Caller: I know exactly how these women feel. I was in a degrading, exploitive relationship with a pompous egomaniac for years. My husband was never there for me emotionally because all he cared about was his precious career.

Phil Donahue: Your voice sounds familiar. Have you called us before?

Caller: It’s your ex-wife, Phil! [ hangs up ]

Phil Donahue: Well, Doctor Hoeffering, didn’t that caller make apoint? I mean, it’s not just the mistresses, it’s not just the girlfriends who get exploited. What about the wives? Aren’t you giving them the back of your hand, I mean.. well, have you ever been married?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it, Phil.

Phil Donahue: Ever been engaged?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No.

Phil Donahue: Pinned?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No, I don’t want to discuss it.. [ reluctantly ] All right, I’m a lesbian! Okay? Are you satisfied?

Phil Donahue: [ turns to the audience ] Sir, you have a point?

First Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I just want to say that I don’t think all men are insensitive brutes. [ arguing between several audience members is heard from behind ] And.. I mean from high school I just never knew women who went out with guys who treated them badly, guys like me who are just looking for sharing and caring relationship.. someone to spend their life with..

Second Man in Audience: [ to his wife ] You’re making a fool out of yourself! [ wife gets up to leave ]

Phyllis Sykes: Excuse me. Excuse me please, I’m trying to see that very attractive man behind you. Could you sit down?

[ First Man in Audience sits down ]

Phil Donahue: [ to Second Man] Any comment?

Second Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I know what these broads need and I got it. Okay? You want a sharing relationship? I got something to share with ya! Okay? You want a buddy? Buddy up on this!

Elaine Poldask: Excuse me, do you live in the city? Do you need a lift home?

Phyllis Sykes: Phil.. uh.. are there any rules about dating members of the audience?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Excuse me, any sisters at home like you?

Phil Donahue: Well, it’s a fascinating question, I feel we justtouched the tip of the iceberg.

Second Man in Audience: I’ll give ya the tip of the iceberg!

Phil Donahue: The name of the book, is Women Good, Men Bad. [ theme music plays ] Tune in next week..

Second Man in Audience: Yeah tune in to this next week!

Phil Donahue: ..when our guest will be Lee Iacocca.

Second Man in Audience: Iacocca this!

[ Donahue flings his arms up and walks to stage, talking with guests.Superimposed title display. Fade out. ]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

The Crosby Show

Theo Huxtable…..Malcolm Jamal-Warner
Mrs. Crosby…..Nora Dunn
Gary Crosby…..Dana Carvey
Nathaniel Crosby…..Dennis Miller
Mary Crosby…..Jan Hooks
Bing Crosby…..Phil Hartman
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Theo Huxtable lying in bed, Bill Cosby portrayed as just a hand holding a cigar from the doorway ]

Theo Huxtable: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll try and study harder. I’m just really tired right now..

Cosby: No, no, Theo. You’re not going to try to study harder, you see? You will study harder. The man who climbed Mt. Everest did not say, “I will try to climb the mountain.” You see? Now, don’t leave this room ’til your homework’s done.

Theo Huxtable: Boy.. sometimes I wish I could be part of a different family..

[ Theo falls asleep, drifting into a dream of life with an alternate family ]

[ the dream opens on Mrs. Crosby humming “White Christmas” to herself ]

Mrs. Crosby: Mary, Gary, Nathaniel, Theo! [ the kids come down the stairs ] Come on down, kids.

Gary Crosby: Gosh, Mom, when is Dad gonna get home? I can’t wait to see him!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah, me too!

Mrs. Crosby: Now, kids, your dad’s spent a long day at the golf course, give him time to relax.

Theo Huxtable: Golf? Are we talking about the same father here?

Mary Crosby: Wait a minute.. here he comes now! It’s Dad!

[ the kids all run to the door to greet their father – Bing Crosby ]

Bing Crosby: [ entering ] Well, well, well, who brought out the welcome wagon!

[ Title Card: “The Crosby Show” ]

Bing Crosby: Whoa, now! [ eyeing his cardigan ] Easy on the Pierre Cardan! Hey, Mom, how do you handle a thirsty dad?

Mrs. Crosby: Here. [ hands him glass of orange juice ]

Bing Crosby: Ohhhhh! [ sips ] Nice O.J., Mom. Not too sweet, not too tart! [ sits ]

Gary Crosby: Dad, Mom said we should let you relax, but we’ve all got stuff we’ve just got to talk about!

Bing Crosby: Boy, boy, this sure is a blustery brood bustling about! Well, a dad’s not a dad that doesn’t do his daddly duty! Alright, Gary, what’s got your goat?

Theo Huxtable: Excuse me..

Bing Crosby: One at a time, son, wait your turn. Gary, go ahead.

Gary Crosby: Well, Dad.. I’ve been having some trouble at school..

Bing Crosby: Ohhhh.. let’s see that report card. [ reads report card ] Whoa! Trouble in History. We’d better sort things out in the library.

[ Gary exits to the library, as Bing removes his belt before exiting as well ]

Mrs. Crosby: So, Theo, having any trouble in school?

[ we now hear the crack of Bing’s belt as Gary screams ]

Theo Huxtable: Me? No! no, no, not me!

[ Gary and Bing re-enter ]

Bing Crosby: Hey, is that better, son?

Gary Crosby: Yeah! Yeah, thanks, Dad! I’m gonna go study even harder now!

Bing Crosby: Don’t mention it! Alright, who’s next?

Nathaiel Crosby: Me, Dad! Me!

Theo Huxtable: I have a-

Bing Crosby: Wait a second now, wait your turn. Okay, Nathaniel, what’s needling you?

Nathaiel Crosby: Oh, it’s girls, Dad. I just can’t think of nothing else.

Bing Crosby: [ chuckles ] “Viva la difference”, I always say!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah. It’s Janice, Dad, you see I just don’t know what to say to her.

Bing Crosby: Ooohhh, tonuge-tied, eh? Let’s toddle over and talk turkey in the library.

[ they exit to the library ]

Mrs. Crosby: Anybody thirsty?

Mary Crosby: Oh, thanks, Mom. Hey, Theo, you don’t have any problems with girls, do you?

[ sounds of Bing’s belt cracking and Nathaniel screaming ]

Theo Huxtable: Uh, me? No, no, no.. no problem..

[ Nathaniel and Bing re-enter ]

Nathaiel Crosby: Hey, thanks, Dad. I’m gonna call Janice tonight!

Bing Crosby: That’s my boy! Mom, how about serving up Nathaniel here some Minute Maid? That Vitamin C is good for those bumps and bruises.

Mrs. Crosby: Alright, Dear.

Bing Crosby: Now, what was your problem, Son?

Theo Huxtable: Problem? Ha ha ha, I don’t have a problem!

[ doorbell rings ]

Bing Crosby: Wait a second, someone’s at the door! [ answers door to find David Crosby ] Oh, it’s my way-out son, David Crosby!

David Crosby: Dad, I gotta talk to you. I got arrested for carrying a gun at a concert.

Bing Crosby: Whoa! Packing a piece at a pop show, eh?

David Crosby: Library, Dad?

Bing Crosby: Well, you’ll get your turn, Son. Right now I have to deal with Theo here.

Theo Huxtable: No, no, no..

Bing Crosby: Come on now, we’ll settle things..

Theo Huxtable: No! See, you’re not my father!

Bing Crosby: I’m not?

Theo Huxtable: My father wouldn’t handle my problems the way that you do.

Bing Crosby: Well, what does your dad do?

Theo Huxtable: Well.. he sits me down, and he does five minutes of a nightclub act.

[ a thundering sound is heard, as the superimposed head of Bill Crosby appears at the foot of the stairs ]

Bing Crosby: Uh-oh! Looks like company.

Theo Huxtable: You see, that’s my Dad! Alright!

Cosby: I am the Great and Powerful Cos. You see. I’ve come to straightne out the confused boy.

Bing Crosby: Well, you’re welcome to use the library.

Cosby: Silence! Now, Theo, do you promise to obey your father, study hard, and keep your room clean?

Theo Huxtable: How did my room get into this?

Cosby: Answer the question!

Theo Huxtable: [ meekly ] Yes.

Cosby: That’s better.

Bing Crosby: Say, Great and Powerful Cos, didn’t you open for me in the Sands in 1964.

Cosby: That was a long, long time ago!

Theo Huxtable: Dad, I’ll do anything you say. Can I go home now?

Cosby: You had the power to go home all the time. You just have to click your heels three times and say, “I won’t try, I will.”

Theo Huxtable: [ clicks heels three times ] I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. Ow! I won’t try, I will. Unh! I won’t try, I will. Here we go! I won’t try, I will…

[ dissolve back to Theo’s room ]

Cosby: Theo, how are you doing in there?

Theo Huxtable: Oh, Dad.. I just had the craziest dream.. and you were in it.. and I was in it.. and that fat guy who sang the “Wooden Ships” was in it..

Cosby: Enough of that, my son. I was just thinking if you’re having trouble studying, maybe you’d be less distracted in the library.

Theo Huxtable: [ hides under his covers ] Noooo!! Not the library!! No, not the library!!

SNL Transcripts

Bartles & Jaymes

Frank Bartles…..Phil Hartman
Ed Jaymes…..A. Whitney Brown

Frank Bartles: Hello. I am Frank Bartles. And this is my partner, Ed Jaymes.

Ed Jaymes: Hello.

Frank Bartles: We hope you enjoyed the first game of the World Series, we are sorry the Mets lost. But what a slugfest that was. Ed and I have asked the National Broadcasting Company for this time to discuss something that you may heard about – crack. In case you do not get out as much as we do, crack is a drug. Now, Ed and I tried a lot of fool things when we were young, but fortunately we stopped before we suffered any.. permanent damage. Right, Ed?

Ed Jaymes: [ nods slowly ]

Frank Bartles: At least, I did. Why, one time, Ed put a penny on a railroad track, and it got real big.. [ Ed extends his arms ] But crack is a different matter. Even a little bit can cause you to become really stupid. That is what makes people do it a second time. Crack is a killer drug. Take it from us. It is ncie to grow old. You can sit on the porch and stare at things all day. Or, you can wave at people as they drive by. Wave, Ed! [ Ed nods ] Wave, Ed! [ Ed waves ] These activities cannot be enjoyed when you are dead!

Once again, we thank you for your support, and now Ed would like to say a few words.

Ed Jaymes: “Live.. from New York.. it is Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts