Category:

Ricky Goes Bowling

Ricky … Billy Crystal

[Ricky, dressed for a night at the bowling alley, isdiscovered alone on a darkened Home Base in front of ablack curtain. He holds an imaginary bowling ball,ready to roll it down the lane. He steps forward andlets it go. Sound effect: ball rolls down the lane.Ricky watches it intently, trying to direct the ballwith his body English. Sound effect: pins going down.Ricky jumps up and stares in disbelief.]

Ricky: Noooo! No! Seven-ten split! I can’tBELIEVE it! The impossible split of all time! This isunbelievable, I can’t believe it! This is a-mazing!… [hands on hips, staring down the lane] Theseven-ten! The ball is cursed! Unbelievable, I can’tbelieve this – a-mazing! It’s unbelievable! …Oooooggghhh! [rolls eyes and sighs as he holds hishands over the alley’s blower and wriggles his fingersto dry them – shakes his head] … This is absolutelyunbelievable, this is amazing, ya know what I’mtalkin’ about?

[calls off] Hey, Eddie! How ya doin’? Good. Me? Lousy!I got the seven-ten here. Look at this – unbelievable!… How good can I be, ya know? Hey, how’s yoursister, by the way? [pause] Oh, no. I am sorry.I didn’t know. I didn’t hear nothin’, didn’t see it inthe papers or nothin’, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Whoa- I’m – I’m like that, ya know? Every time I asksomebody how they are, they’re dead. Ya know what I’mtalkin’ about? … [clutches his head inembarrassment, starts to laugh] So I’m really sorry![stops laughing] I’m not laughin’ now, ya know, I’mjust– … But it always happens to me. It’sunbelievable! I mean, this is unbelie– It’s amazing.Unbelievable. …

[calls off in another direction] Hey, Frankie! Hey,how ya doin’? Hey, where’s your brother? He owes meten bucks! [pause, turns back to Eddie] You see? Thisis– [puts fists to his temples, shakes his head,Frankie’s brother is dead] … This is unbelievable. Imean, ya know, unbelievable. But everything’s goin’like that now. It’s unbelievable, ya know? My old manis really, really upset with me. [beat] Well, I quitcollege again, ya know, ya know? I was goin’ throughjunior college, ya know, them two-year schools, yaknow? But I was there six years, I didn’t learnNOTHIN’! I’ll tell ya that right now. …

[waves dismissively] It’s ridiculous, it’s reallyridiculous, ya know? [wriggles fingers over blower]And then, my love life is goin’ south, ya know. Ibroke up with Joanie after all this time. Yeah, I hadto get rid of her, ya know. You know, man, you know.[beat] No, she didn’t have no mustache or nothin’, itwasn’t that. It was– … It was, like, the AGEdifference. It was the difference in our ages. Youknow, I’m thirty-seven now. Yeah, you know. I’ve beenaround. I been in Nam, I’ve been around, ya know? Iwas there, ya know? I’ve been around. And I know thatthey say the high school girls are more mature thanthey were – but I didn’t think so, ya know?…

Really stupid. You know what she said to me the othernight when we were sittin’ there smoochin’ and stuff,ya know? She looks up at me and she goes, “Ricky, Ibelieve that professional wrestling is fixed.” Do youbelieve THAT?! … [shakes his head] It wasunbelievable, it was absolutely unbelievable, Icouldn’t believe it, ya know? It was a-mazing! [rollshis eyes] …

Hey, did you vote? [beat] You did? I never vote. Ihave never voted, I’m proud to say. I never vote. …No, I– No, I DO care about who’s, ya know, who’s thepresident and all that stuff. I just don’t wanna havejury duty. Ya know what I’m talkin’ about? …

[waves dismissively, runs hands through his hair]Ooooh-gaaah! Lookin’ back there, ya know. Seven-ten![points, to the bowling pins] Seven-ten, I’m comin’for ya! Ooooh, man. [to Eddie] My whole life is, like,weird now, ya know. I’m thirty-seven, I don’t knowwhat’s goin’ on, ya know. Yeah, I’ve been unsettled,ya know. Think I’ll maybe go to California. Yeah, I’llgo out to California, ya know. It’s – it’s warm there,it’s really nice, ya know. Chicks’ll be there, yaknow. Maybe I’ll meet Hefner, ya know. … Hang outwith the chicks. ‘Cause I’m a chick guy. The chicksare over me, ya know? They’re all over me. I’m like apest strip, ya know what I’m talkin’ about? I’m like apest strip. It’s unbelievable, ya know?! … Yeah, yaknow, and then, ya know, if I’m in L.A., ya know, Ithink I could do what I really, really wanna do withmy life, ya know? I just didn’t know, it’s beenburnin’, burnin’ up inside o’ me. I really wannadirect a movie. … I really think that’s what mytalents are bent for, ya know. I really think that Icould just go out there and just really– I wouldreally like to direct a movie.

But! You know, too much. Too much. Hey, listen. HappyThanksgiving, man. You gonna be with your parents onThanksgiving? [beat, winces, buries his face in hishand, Eddie’s parents are dead] Ohhhh, no! I– … Ididn’t know! I’m– … This is one of them days, yaknow what I’m talkin’ about? I got two– Oh, boy, atriple! I got a triple, ya know? Oh, well, I gotta getthis [picks up imaginary bowling ball, sings to thetune of “The Impossible Dream”] impossiblespare!

Anyway, take care of yourself, all right? You knowsomethin’? After all this time, my old man’s right. Hesays, “Life is a tough job. And the hours are abitch!” You know what I’m talkin’ about? …

[Ricky gets set, then throws his imaginary ball downthe lane, watching it intently, lots of body English.Sound effect: ball rolls down the lane – pins crash.Ricky looks stunned.]

Ricky: I GOT IT!!! [pumps fists in the air] IGOT IT!!!

[Cheers and applause as Ricky jumps up and downhappily. Dissolve to a wider view of Ricky at HomeBase surrounded by cameras, crew andcrowd.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Peter Pan, the Later Years

Peter Pan … Ed Asner
Wendy … Mary Gross

[A darkened bedroom in the middle of the night. Geneand Wendy, a husband and wife, are asleep in bed. Ahand reaches in and shakes Wendy’s shoulder.]

Peter Pan: Wendy! Wendy?

Wendy: [awakes with a start] What areyou–?!

Peter Pan: [covers her mouth] Don’t scream.It’s me, Peter.

[Wendy stares in disbelief at Peter — he’s a fat,balding, middle-aged man in a goofy green Peter Pancostume.]

Wendy: You can have all my money. Please, don’thurt me.

Peter Pan: Hurt you? Wendy, I know it’s been along time but it’s me, Peter. [stands proud, hands onhips] Peter Pan.

Wendy: Look at you! You can’t be Peter.

Peter Pan: Can be and is. Oh, I know I’ve gonethrough some heavy changes. But, oh, Wendy, I’vemissed you so much.

Wendy: I’m going to call the police.

[Wendy gets out from under the bedcovers and picks upa phone on a nearby night stand. A harp strikes achord as Peter stands at the open bedroom window and,with a grand gesture, sings to the stars.]

Peter Pan: [sings] There is a place wheredreams are born … And Time is neverplanned.

[Wendy, who has turned on the lights during this,finally recognizes him. She hangs up the phone, risesand happily joins him.]

Wendy: Oh, my God! Peter! [they hug warmly] Oh!But you got older! I thought you were never going togrow up.

Peter Pan: Oh, I know. It’s wild, isn’t it?When it first started to happen to me, I got REALupset. I thought, this can’t be happening to me. Then,Tinkerbell died.

Wendy: Tinkerbell is dead?

Peter Pan: Yeah. Five years ago. It wasawful.

[Peter and Wendy cross to the end of the bed and sittogether.]

Wendy: Captain Hook got her.

Peter Pan: No, no, no! It was natural causes,they said. But I’m not so sure. The last few days, shewas REAL depressed. After, I got depressed. And when Iget depressed, I start to eat. So, five years later,here I am — barely able to fly and so fat I show upon radar screens.

Wendy: Oh, Peter!

[Wendy puts her head on Peter’s shoulder. Behind them,Wendy’s husband Gene grunts and tosses in his sleep.Peter and Wendy look back at Gene but he keeps onsleeping.]

Peter Pan: Your husband?

Wendy: [nods] Second marriage.

Peter Pan: Oh. I’m sorry. What happened to thefirst one?

Wendy: He got tired of hearing aboutyou.

Peter Pan: Awwww ….

Wendy: This is Gene. He sells wallpaper. [Peterwaves halfheartedly at Gene] We’re -comfortable.

Peter Pan: Mmm? Yeah. Well, well, uh, whatabout the boys? Uh, how are – how are John and littleMichael?

Wendy: Well, John is Japan.

Peter Pan: Oh, good, good.

Wendy: And he’s stationed there with theNavy.

Peter Pan: Mm hm, mm hm.

Wendy: Michael, uh, he left home when he wasabout seventeen or so.

Peter Pan: Oh?

Wendy: We don’t know where he is. But he sendsus a card every Christmas just to let us know he’sokay.

Peter Pan: Why’d he leave?

Wendy: He was looking for you.

Peter Pan: Oh, no! Not another one! That’s allI’ve ever heard! [rises, upset] “He left home lookingfor you.” “This one was jumping off a roof, thinkinghe could fly.” The guilt! I couldn’t take it any moreso I gave everything up.

Wendy: What do you mean?

Peter Pan: I mean, when Tiger Lily started tolook different to me, I knew it was time to grow up.[sits next to Wendy, sadly]

Wendy: Peter? What do you want from me?

Peter Pan: Well, I’m not sure. Wendy, I alwaystold you I was coming back, some day, but I was alsoshy and then I started to lose my hair. And I gained afew. And I didn’t wanna see, you know, have you see melooking like this.

Wendy: Oh, Peter! How could you ever think thatway? You were my hero.

Peter Pan: Well–

Wendy: I loved you.

Peter Pan: Ha ha. I know that NOW. But, backthen, I only know I started to feel something but Iwasn’t sure what it was. And when you’re a little boy,you’re never sure of anything. It took me YEARS ofanalysis to realize that I love you, too, Wendy. And,uh, so today, after work, I had a few belts and Idecided, “This is it! Fly right over there and tellher everything.”

Wendy: [apprehensively] What are you saying,Peter?

Peter Pan: I want you, Wendy! [grabs her andkisses her]

Wendy: Oh! Peter! [tries to pull away fromhim]

Peter Pan: What?

Wendy: Oh, I wish you’d been here years ago.All I ever thought about is you. It broke up my firstmarriage.

Peter Pan: Please! The guilt, theguilt!

Wendy: Oh, I’m sorry. But, now, I can’t,Peter.

Peter Pan: Huh?

Wendy: I really did love you but — things havechanged. I’m too old to fly now and — I really don’twant to leave.

Peter Pan: [reluctantly] Sure. Okay. If that’sthe way you feel. [Wendy nods, a pause] But can’t weat least get it on once?

Wendy: Please, Peter, I think it’s better thatyou go.

Peter Pan: Okay, okay. I understand. And I’msorry. [rises] I figured you’d feel that way but,listen, before I go — [retreats to her night standand picks up a bundle] — I want to give yousomething.

[Wendy rises as Peter gives her the bundle – it lookslike a dark blanket tied up with string.]

Wendy: What is this?

Peter Pan: It’s my shadow! It’s a lot biggerthan the first one but I want you to have it,okay?

Wendy: Oh, Peter. [gives Peter a hug]

Peter Pan: Oh.

Wendy: Are you sure you’re gonna beokay?

Peter Pan: [broadly hinting that he wants tostay with her] Oh, I– I am tired and– It’s a longflight back.

Wendy: [raises a hand to stop him, firmly]Peter!

Peter Pan: [relents] Okay, okay.

Wendy: Here, I’ve got something. [sets downPeter’s shadow, retreats to a nearby dresser and pullsa box out of a drawer] It’s the magic fairy dust yougave me…

[Music in background as Wendy lifts a pinch of thesparkly dust from the box and lets it spill from herfingers.]

Peter Pan: Ohhh!

Wendy: [sprinkles fairy dust on Peter’sshoulders] … in case I ever wanted to come up for along weekend.

Peter Pan: Oh, yeah. Yes, well, once – once Iget past the first star and turn to the left, I startto get a little drowsy, you know. [retreatsreluctantly and a little sadly to the open bedroomwindow] Take care, Wendy. Think lovely thoughts.Lovely thoughts.

[Awkwardly but bravely, Peter crows like a cock andexits out the window. Wendy rushes to the window towatch Peter fly away. She waves to him with asmile.]

Wendy: Goodbye, Peter!

Peter Pan: [from off] Ow!

[A grand burst of “Peter Pan” music. Wendy laughs andwatches Peter go. Much applause as we pull back toreveal a lovely city skyline next to the bedroom setas well as the crew, the lights and thecameras.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Lou Grant Rescue Mission

Lou Grant…..Ed Asner
Mercenary #1…..Rich Hall
Mercenary #2…..Jim Belushi
Georgette Baxter…..Pamela Stephenson
Mary Richards…..Mary Gross
Ted Baxter…..Billy Crystal
Rhoda Morgenstern…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Murray Slaughter…..Christopher Guest
Mercenary #3…..Gary Kroeger

[ open on a secret meeting in Lou Grant’s basement, three mercenaries sit around a table in the dark ]

Lou Grant: Alright, listen up. This mission is dangerous. Very dangerous. Some of us won’t be coming back.

Mercenary #1: Which ones?

Lou Grant: What?

Mercenary #1: Which of us won’t be coming back?

Lou Grant: I don’t know.

Mercenary #1: Me?

Lou Grant: I don’t know! Now.. [ lowers picture of Mary Richards ] ..here’s our objective.

Mercenary #2: It’s the girl from the television show!

Lou Grant: That’s right – it’s my pal, Mary Richards in Minneapolis. She’s been stuck there for seven year in syndicated reruns. That’s why I hired you guys – the best mercenaries in the business. We’re gonna go back there, and we’re gonna get her out!

Mercenary #1: Is it true what they say about her?

Lou Grant: What?

Mercenary #1: She can turen the world on with her smile.

Lou Grant: [ sentimental ] Yeah.. yeah, she could..

Mercenary #2: And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Lou Grant: No, of course not! Don’t be stupid! Alright, now here’s our objective.. [ drops blueprint on the table ] ..her apartment. Here’s her kitchen.. there’s the couch.. here’s the cute wooden letter “M” on the wall. She’s having a party tonight – now, I want you to cover the balcony, cover that area up there..

[ dissolve to Mary Richard’s second apartment, where she’s throwing a party for Ted Baxter ]

Georgette Baxter: Gosh, Mary, it’s so nice of you to throw this fundraising party for Ted’s campaign for the City Council, even though your party’s they were always so awful.

Mary Richards: Georgette.. my last party wasn’t awful. In fact, I thought it was really, you know, a really, very, kind of.. really not awful!

Ted Baxter: Mary, want to hear my new campaign slogan?

Mary Richards: Yes.

Ted Baxter: Here it is – “Vote For Ted, Get A New Car.”

Mary Richards: Ted, you can’t say that! What if you win?

Ted Baxter: Oh, yeah.. Damn!

Rhoda Morgenstern: [ in the kitchen, eating ] Gee, nice spread, Mare – potato chips and onion dip. I’ll name the pimple after you.

[ Mary brings a drink to Murray ]

Mary Richards: Murr?

Murray Slaughter: Mary, how could you give a fundraising dinner for Ted to run for public office?

Mary Richards: Oh, Murr, this is America! Everyone deserves a chance, even Ted!

Murray Slaughter: No, Maty you’re wrong. As I remember, Ted’s name isn’t even in the Constitution of the United States, it’s completely eliminated.

Mary Richards: Ah!

[ the Mercenaries and Lou Grant quickly swarm the apartment ]

Lou Grant: [ brandishing gun ] Alright! Nobody make a move, or we’re gonna blast your eyes out! Hi, Mary.

Mary Richards: [ excited ] Mr. Gra-a-a-ant! What are you doing here?

Lou Grant: I’ve come to get you out! The copter’s on the roof, let’s go!

Mary Richards: Get me out? Why?

Mercenary #2: Lou! Let’s go! The cops’ll be here any minute!

Lou Grant: Mary, you’ve been stuck here for seven years in syndicated reruns, doing the same things over and over and over. You’ve been promoted to Producer, you met Walter Cronkite, you went to the Teddy Awards, you went to Chuckles the Clown’s funeral – not once, but hundreds of times! Two, three, four times a night, in some cities! You’re in a rut! There’s a big, wonderful world out there, and you’ve missed it! I mean, you msised M-Tv, you missed Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, you missed “The New Odd Couple” show. And, all of you would like it out there! Murray, you know what they have now? Hair weaving. Rhoda! Your mother’s making a fortune out there, selling Bounty paper towels!

Mercenary #2: Lou! Come on, let’s get out of here! The cops are downstairs!

Lou Grant: Alright, let’s go, Mary!

Mary Richards: I.. can’t.. go with you, Mr. Grant..

Lou Grant: What?

Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I like being here.. everyone’s nice to me here, I have friends who care about me, I never gain weight, get old.. I like my life in reruns, Mr. Grant. I’m.. happy. Goodbye, Mr. Grant. [ gives Lou a big hug ]

Lou Grant: I’m not a hugger.. [ pause ] Ohhh.. [ hugs Mary ] Alright, let’s put her up!

Mercenary #3: [ hugging on Rhoda ] Uh, Lou? I’m staying. This place is kind of neat.. I like this Jew girl.

Ted Baxter: Lou..? Lou..? [ sobbing ] Take me with you, Lou!! Oh, Lou-ou!! Take me with you, please!!

Mercenary #2: Want me to shoot him, Lou?

Lou Grant: No. [ points his gun at Ted ] You owe me one, Ted!

Ted Baxter: Thanks, Lou.

Ted Baxter: Let’s go! [ runs out ]

Mercenary #2: Alright, ocme on, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! [ runs out ]

Ted Baxter: This party stinks, Mary!

Mary Richards: I know, I know..

Ted Baxter: I know how to liven it up, though. Look out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

60 Minutes

Mike Wallace…..Harry Shearer
Herb Minkman…..Christopher Guest
Al Minkman…..Billy Crystal
Nathan Thurm…..Martin Short

[ open on Mike Wallace sitting in front of chromascreen reading “Laughter May Be Hazardous To Your Health” ]
Mike Wallace: I’m Mike Wallace. The novelty shop, or joke store, may seem like the home of innocent fun. But according to the Consumer Product Safety Commissioner, it may more often be the cause of serious, even permanent, injury. Defective novelties are showing up on American shelves in ever-increasing numbers. But not only does that worry federal regulators, it has two American businessmen fighting for their lives. Almost literally.

[ cut to Mike Wallace interviewing Herb and Al Minkman in their offices ]

Herb Minkman: Today, if you go to a party, and you see, you know, a whoopie cushion, or a plastic lost lunch, or the..

Al Minkman: Phony doggie doodie.

Herb Minkman: Yeah. And, if it doesn’t look good, it’s probably not a Minkman. And that makes us look bad.

Mike Wallace Voiceover: Herb and Al Minkman are third generation jokemakers. They grew up in a world of dribble glasses and Chinese finger prisons. But they’re growing old in a very different world – one overrun by pirate novelties.

Herb Minkman: [ holds Chinese finger prison ] This is a cheap imitation of a Minkman Chinese finger prison. Try it.

Mike Wallace: Alright. [ tries it, but his fingers come right out ] Nothing happened.

Al Minkman: Of course nothing happened! What should happen: you put your individual fingers in there, and then the circulation would be cut off..

Herb Minkman: Temporarily.

Al Minkman: Temporarily. And then, panic would ensue, and everybody would have a good laugh. But if your fingers aren’t trapped, then the joke is not on you.

Herb Minkman: By the way, Mike, I think you spilled your coffee. [ points to turned-over coffee cup ]

Mike Wallace: [ eyes grow wide with embarrassment ] Oh.. I’m sorry..

Herb Minkman: It’s only a joke. And you believed it, because it’s a Minkman product.

Mike Wallace: Alright, that’s very.. believeable.. spilled coffee.. But, why should anyone watching care whether their $5.95 dribble glass is the best in the world.

Herb Minkman: Because if you buy an inferior non-Minkman dribble glass, and you put it to your lips, and, because of uneven glazing, suddenly find yourself on the way to the emergency room, with 15 stitches, this does no longer amaze and delight your friends. This is a lawsuit.

[ cut to skyline of Hong Kong ]

Mike Wallace Voiceover: But where do all the inferior squirt pens and plastic vomit flow from? We flew to Hong Kong on a hunch, and here’s what we found.

[ cut to Mike Wallace standing outside a door ]

Mike Wallace: It looks like any other office. Until you open the door. [ enters ] In reality, it’s a very special kind of sweatshop, where three shifts a day are hard at work manufacturing counterfeit articles of amusement. [ pan across the table where the counterfeiters work ] Acccording to the Hong Kong City Clerk’s office, this factory is owned, through a complex web of companies, by a Mr. Ping E. Lee.

[ flash shots of Mr. Lee ]

Mike Wallace Voiceover: But despite repeated attempts to contact Mr. Lee over a 12-hour period, we coiuld get no response. But we were able to reach his attorney, Mr. Nathan Thurm.

[ close-up of nervous Nathan Thurm smoking from a cigarette as Mike Wallacer interrogates him ]

Mike Wallace: Mr. Thurm, let’s be honest. We’ve seen the people working for pennies, making defective novelty items, which, at best, don’t work, and don’t provide hours of family fun; at worst, creating serious injuries.

Nathan Thurm: [ pause ] So, what are you saying?

Mike Wallace: I’m saying that your boss, Mr. Lee, is, in effect, the Mr. Big of the pirate novelty business.

Nathan Thurm: No, he isn’t! You’re just saying that to get higher ratings on your TV show!

Mike Wallace: No, I wish I were, but.. we saw your people making pirate Mickman schnozzes.

Nathan Thurm: [ shakes head ] I don’t know what you’re talking about. [ smiles ] It’s funnythat you would say that! They don’t make schnozzes. They make semiconductors for a very reputable computer company. What’s wrong with that? Is there something wrong with that? Why, why, why is that something wrong to do? I don’t understnad that. Why are you pointing the finger at other people all the time? Why don’t you point the finger at yourself? Do a little more reading, maybe? Some time in court – maybe that would be effective for you!

Mike Wallace: Pardon me for saying this, but you seem defensive.

Nathan Thurm: I’m not being defensive! You’re the one who’sbeing defensive! Why is always the other person who’s being defensive?Have you ever asked yourself that? Why don’t you ask yourselfthat?

Mike Wallace: [ holds out paper ] This is an affadavit..

Nathan Thurm: I know that!

Mike Wallace: Well, let me finish. This is an affidavit from awoman who has severe nerve damage, on her upper thigh, from sitting onone of your defective whoopie cushions. Here, read it.

Nathan Thurm: You read it!

Mike Wallace: Well, I have read it.

Nathan Thurm: So, why do I have to read it?

Mike Wallace: Well, it does pertain to your company.

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Why wouldn’t I know that? It’s mycompany, I’m quite aware of that! [ looks at the camera ] Is it me? It’s him, right?

[ cut to Mike Wallace and the Minkmans walking through their joke factory ]

Herb Minkman: They can turn out an inferior product for pennies,because they don’t use the money that they make to put back into researchand development.

Al Minkman: We never ship a product that is not 100% fully tested.That’s why our father founded the Minkamn Joke Research Lab.

Herb Minkman: The American Oil Industry has a quote system. We don’tsee why it wouldn’t be psosible to have a similar kind of protection for theAmerican novelty industry.

Al Minkman: Mm-hmm.. See, Mike, once again, America is losing out onsomething it created. The Chinese did not invent this stuff. Highly-craftedartificial vomit is as American as the.. hot dog.

[ cut to Mike Wallace interviewing Herb and Al Minkman in their offices once again ]

Al Minkman: By the way, Mike, did you let a St. Bernard come in here?

Mike Wallace: No, Sir, I didn’t.

Herb Minkman: [ pointing ] Because there’s a big brown, seepingpresent underneath your chair! [ Mike Wallace jumps up as they laugh at him ]It’s a Minkman, Mike!

Mike Wallace: That’s good. That’s very, very good, fellas..

[ Herb and Al give each other an acknowledging glance ]

[ cut to “60 Minutes” stopwatch ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 17th, 1984

Ed Asner

The Kinks

None

The Kinks, “Do It Again”

Lou Grant Rescue Mission

Ed Asner’s Monologue

“Wing Tips”

Ed Grimley Thanksgiving

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

60 Minutes

Recurring Characters: Herb Minkman, Al Minkman.

Me & Julio

Recurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Ricky Goes Bowling

Recurring Characters: Ricky.

Tippi Turtle

Saturday Night News with Ed Asner

The Kinks performs “Do It Again”

Nuclear Retiree

National Adopt A Non-Smoker Day

The Kinks performs “Word Of Mouth”

Peter Pan, the Later Years

SNL Transcripts

Willie and Frankie

Frankie … Christopher Guest
Willie … Billy Crystal

[Hallway in an office building at night. Uniformedsecurity guards Willie and Frankie — two workingclass nebbishes with thick New York accents — carryflashlights and walk down the hall testing the knobson the locked office doors.]

Frankie: Hey, Willie.

Willie: Hi, Frankie.

Frankie: How’s the west wing?

Willie: All secure.

Frankie: That’s good.

Willie: You know somethin’, Frank?

Frankie: What?

Willie: I – I – I don’t like bein’ a nightwatchman. There – there’s nobody here.

Frankie: It means we’re doin’ our job, Willie.And doin’ it well.

Willie: Yeah, but I – I – I – I – I liked itbetter when we – when we was messengers, I mean, andthen I – I was out – I was meetin’ people.

Frankie: Like that woman over at Scheidelman’sSuits, right?

Willie: [reluctantly] I dropped her. Yeah, shewas all over me. All over me, she was. I – I – I needroom to breathe.

Frankie: I know, Willie. The stallion needs torun. [Willie nods solemnly in agreement] And runfree.

Willie: [rubs his shoulder in pain] Shoo,boy.

Frankie: What’s the matter?

Willie: Eh, my shoulder hurts. You know – youknow that narrow hallway in the boiler room? The onewith the, uh–?

Frankie: Exposed bolts comin’ out o’ thewall?

Willie: Yeah. Well, every time I walk past it,the bolts dig right into my shoulder. I– It’s verypainful.

Frankie: Boy. You wanna talk about some pain? Ibought one o’ them linoleum knives the other day, youknow?

Willie: With the double edge?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Yeah?

Frankie: So, I go home, you know, and I spreadmy toes apart and I just start sawing, back and forthand back and forth, you know?

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: And I take a little thing o’ Tobascosauce, you know?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: And just dump it on there. Talk abouta hotfoot, mister! Boy, that was rough.

Willie: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know,the other day, I took one o’ them, uh–?

Frankie: Meat thermometers?

Willie: Yeah! And I just shoved it into my ear,you know? As far as it could go, you know? But then Itook one o’ them, uh–?

Frankie: Ball-peen hammers?

Willie: Right. And just whacked it a few timesright in there, you know.

Frankie: Boy, that must smart.

Willie: I know! I HATE when THAThappens.

Frankie: You know what I hate?

Willie: What?

Frankie: I go into the kitchen, I open thedrawer, you know?

Willie: Uh huh?

Frankie: And I take out a, uh–

Willie: Carrot scraper?

Frankie: Right. And I stick it up my nose, youknow, and I’m rootin’ it around, and, you know,gettin’ all the mucus membranes out o’ there, youknow? And then I take one o’ them, uh–?

Willie: Mentholated eucalyptus coughdrops?

Frankie: Right. And I stick it– wedge it upthere, you know? I take a couple o’ whiffs, boy. Heh,ya feel like your head’s gonna explode.

Willie: Boy, isn’t THAT the truth? It’s likethe other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’mousetraps, ya know?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of,uh–

Frankie: Camembert?

Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right?A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work,right? So I got the Camembert in there.

Frankie: Right.

Willie: But every time I went to taste thecheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! …I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – Icouldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.

Frankie: Boy, you know what I hate? I hate– Igot a gross o’ them, uh–?

Willie: Razor blades?

Frankie: No.

Willie: Fish hooks?

Frankie: No.

Willie: Ah?

Frankie: Thumb tacks.

Willie: Ah! Yeah.

Frankie: Right?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: So I bring ’em home, you know, and Isprinkle ’em all out over the floor, you know?

Willie: Points up?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Uh huh.

Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and Ijust ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?Stickin’ in all over my body. Then I jump in a hot tuband just soak.

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: Hate that.

Willie: Sounds very painful.

Frankie: Very painful.

Willie: [heavy sigh] Boy. So what’re ya gonnado now?

Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check fifteen.

Willie: Yeah. I’m gonna check nine.

Frankie: Okay.

[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as theygo. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendlypat on the shoulder.]

Frankie: Good night, Willie!

[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit inopposite directions around the corners at the far endof the hallway. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Ted’s Book of World Records

Ted…..George Carlin

Announcer: The fastest. The tallest. The hottest. The furthest. Now, all in one book – “Ted’s Book of World Records”.

Ted: Hi, I’m Ted McGinty, and I spent the last fifteen years compiling my book of world records. And the results are astounding.

Announcer: The fastest recorded 100-yard dash.

Ted: 22 seconds flat.

Announcer: The longest bath.

Ted: 31 minutes.

Announcer: Most eggs ever eaten in one sitting.

Ted: Two. I’m not much on breakfast.

Announcer: Greatest height ever attained.

Ted: 5-foot-ten and a quarter.

Announcer: Yes, now you can explore the entire range of human diversity. From Ted’s tallest boss, to his youngest niece. Most rattlesnakes ever milked.

Ted: None!

Announcer: World-Land Speed Record.

Ted: Well, the cop claimed I was doing 80.

Announcer: Witness the bizarre, the inexplicable, the uncanny. Including the only known instance of a woman giving birth.. to Ted! You’ll find out the distance between Ted and each known planet.

Ted: Yes, it’s a fascinating world around me. Won’t you join me as we explore it together?

Announcer: And, if you act now, you’ll get “Ted’s Book of Lists”. Including: Four People Who Owe Ted Money, Eight Famous Historical Figures Whose Name Ted Can’t Pronounce, and the guest list for Ted’s fantasy dinner party..

Ted: Farrah Fawcett, Susan Anton, me, Leonard Nimoy..

Announcer: Ted’s Book of World Records. On sale in bookstores everywhere. Order now, and make some Ted history of your own.

Ted: Greatest Yearly Income, $3,800. Please, help me out, I’m desperate..

SNL Transcripts

Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

Woman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Man…..Gary Kroeger

Announcer: America’s distant early warning system. Created by Norad, it can detect and destroy enemy invaders long before they invade our airspace. And now, you can get the same high-technology protection.. in a contraceptive.

Woman: It’s new SAC – the Strategic Airborne Contraceptive. Designed by a team of eminent NORAD gynecologists, SAC uses a new heat-seeking process to destroy invaders before they violate your personal airspace. Here’s how it works.

Announcer: As soon as your SAC early-distant warning system detects potential foreign intruders.. [ lights go out, as the SAC lights up in the Woman’s crotch, sounding sirens ] i assesses the threat.. [ “INTRUDER ALERT, sperm count: 217,389,568,912.3, velocity: 375 I.P.S., viscosity: HIGH, *INCOMING*” ] ..pinpoints the enemy.. [ sperm show up on the radar screen ] ..locks on target, and destroys them with millions of microscopic surface-to-air missiles. [ sperm disappear from the radar ] In just seconds, you’ve completely closed your window of vulnerability.

Man: So, do you want to hit the sack?

Woman: [ holds up SAC behind his back ] I already did!

Announcer: New SAC – the Strategic Airborne Contraceptive. Also in new heavy-duty ICUD model. From Norad.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night News with George Carlin

…..George Carlin
…..Pamela Stephenson
…..Gary Kroeger
Lew Goldman…..Billy Crystal

Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson George Carlin.

George Carlin: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: The crew of the NASA space shuttle Discovery spent their fourth day in orbit posing for television pictures and waving at relatives. However they got a great view of the Earth. As they flew over North America, they learned the results of Tuesday’s election. [ shows view of the North America from space drawn like a map of the United States and Canada, with Minnesota is highlighted in red ] Kinda makes you feel humble, doesn’t it?

George Carlin: And now, a Saturday Night News commentary.

Pamela Stephenson: Hi, I’m Pamela Stephenson, and I’m new on the show. Um.. I came from England to do “Saturday Night Live”, in fact. Now, I love America. Please don’t get me wrong, but.. well, I have noticed that American men have a fondness.. well, let’s be absolutely frank, okay? They have an absolute obsession about women’s breasts. They seem to have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact with me, and I find it a little disconcerting. So what I thought I’d do is introduce you to my breasts. You know, just sort of point out their various features and invite you men to stare at them for a while, and.. just get that right out of the way so you can start treating me like an intelligent person. [ takes off her jacket, revealing her breasts are large and the nipples are sticking out ] Okay, so um.. here they are. I admit they’re just a little bit larger than average. I can balance a couple of tubs of Haagen-Daas on them, that’s a clear advantage, but.. um.. [ camera zooms in on her breasts, as she points to the right one ] This is the right one, and.. [ points to the left one ] ..this is the left one.. [ points to her nipples ] ..and of course, they both have.. uh.. well, since I’m on American television, I guess I’d better say they are the customary bumpy things on the end. So, you know what I’m talking about. So, that’s all there is. You can look up now. [ snaps fingers at cameraman, signaling for him to pan up to her face ] Hi? Hello? Fine, um.. I trust I’ve kinda de-mistifiedthe situation now so you can see me as just what I am – a normal, real person, and I hope, a pal. Okay.. [ she doesn’t notice her left breast move slowly up and down ] ..now another observation I’ve made about American men is their uncomfortable behavior when they walk small dogs. Sometimes, the size of the dogs to them indicates something about their individual.. [ notices her left breast is up – it quickly moves down ] ..virility. Most men would rather be seen walking a massive cow than a dog. In fact.. [ leftbreast keeps moving up and down, Pamela holds in down ] ..most men who take a small dog for a walk only do so after dark.. [ breasts pull her around in circles, screaming, as she is thrown over the desk ]

George Carlin: [ calling to Pamela ] Thanks! Thanks a lot, Pam! I’ll see you later, huh? Maybe we’ll go out for a milkshake!

Well, the race for the 1988 Democratic nominations started last Wednesday, the day after the election. Possibilities include: New York governor Mario Cuomo, who says that as ridiculous as it sounds, an Italian male can run for national office; Colorado senator Gary Hart, who may be hard to beat, unless of course, you’re Walter Mondale; and the perennial possibility, Senator Ted Kennedy, but Teddy says he has as much intention of running as he has of driving his car off a bridge. The Republican possibilities are really interesting: Senator Howard Baker, Senator Robert Dole, Representative Jack Kemp, and Vice President George “Kick a little” Bush. Not a lot of charisma here.

But warming up in the coliseum bullpen, old Ben Hur himself, Charlton Heston,who plans to start out by running for the senate in 1986. Political consultantssay Heston is the perfect replacement for Ronald Reagan. He’s from California,he’s an aging actor, and he too worked with monkeys in The Planet of the Apes.That’s not all. Charlton Heston was Moses, remember? He led his people out ofEgypt, parted the waters of the Red Sea, recieved the Ten Commandments, anddelivered his sermon on the mountain. And his slogan is, “Let’s win one forthe altar cocker.” But don’t forget a lot depends on who he picks for vicepresident. Right now it’s a toss-up between Robert Cummings and Buddy Ebsen.Right now I’m willing to just wait and see.

George Carlin: Controversy his risen regarding the distribution oftax dollars toward medical research, specifically which programs recievedthe aid and which programs are virtually ignored. Here to comment on this isSaturday Night News corresponder Gary Kroger.

Gary Kroeger: [ Painfully ] Thank you, George. I would like to callattention to a disease called “spot bleeding”. Now that is when your cheststarts to bleed in five or six different places, and the pain is unbearable.And yet nothing is being done about this. I am uniquely concerned because..[ pulls off jacket, revealing his shirt has several small blood stains ] ..Iam a spot bleeder. [ writhes in pain ] Millions of dollars are spent oncancer research and related projects which is fine, but no one in the medicalcommunity is doing anything about spot bleeding! There are no researchfoundations, nothing in medical journals, and I demand an explaination!

George Carlin: Gary, can I ask you something?

Gary Kroeger: Yeah.

George Carlin: Is that a brand new shirt?

Gary Kroeger: Yeah, why?

George Carlin: You have to take the pins out of it before you put iton.

Gary Kroeger: [ Realizing he didn’t take out the pins ] Oh.

George Carlin: The straight pins. You have to take them out first.

Gary Kroeger: [ embarassed, removes shirt pins where the blood stainsare ] This is rather embarassing..

George Carlin: You’re a moron, Kroeger. Back to the news.

This morning, officials at the state department and the Pentagon are denyingrumors that the United States is planning to invade Nicaragua. PresidentReagan could not be reached for comment; he’s holed up in his ranch in SantaBarbara trying to memorize his lines for his next term of office.

George Carlin: And now, to tell us what’s happenning in the world ofsports, here is the inimitable Lew Goldman.

Someone in the Audience: Lew! Lew!

Lew Goldman: Shut up, you idiots! Where are you, at Yankee Stadium?Huh? [clears throat ] Put a jacket on! And now, here is the sports reportjust for my family:

For my sister Rose in Miami, the Dolphins are playing the Eagles, and youshouldn’t worry, Rose. Miami will win again. Thay keep winning becausethey’re afraid to get the old people upset. [ clears throat ] My prediction:[ prediction appears on screen ] Philadelphia, you should live so long!

For my son Lester, an orthodontist who lives in Washington, and makes moremoney than God, but can’t go to the Redskins game this weekend because hehas a virus, which is not surprising, because orthodontists spend half theirlife with their face in somebody’s mouth, my prediction: [ prediction appearson screen ] Detroit, I’m nauseous from you already!

[ clears throat ] And for my other son, Stanley, the bigshot, who moved toKansas City.. [ points at his head, indicating craziness ] ..where his in-lawshave him wrapped around their pinkies, my prediction: [ prediction appears onscreen ] Stanley will not come home for Thanksgiving.

And finally, here in New York, the Giants are playing Tampa Bay. Myprediction: [ prediction appears on screen as “Who cares? What’s soimportant?” ] Who cares? They moved to New Jersey! What the hell am I, tenyears old? I got to go to a game? [ clears throat ] Enough of this sportsstuff! I hate it!

George Carlin: Thank you, thank you, Lew.

Lew Goldman: What?

George Carlin: That’s the news. Good night.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

George Carlin’s Monologue

…..George Carlin

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, GeorgeCarlin!

[Cheers and applause. George Carlin emerges from theaudience and heads to Home Base. But it’s a videotapeof Carlin’s entrance from the very first episode ofSaturday Night Live in 1975: he wears long hair, abeard and mustache, a T-shirt under a dark suit. Aftera moment, we dissolve to Carlin, live in 1984,standing at Home Base: his hair, beard and mustacheare neatly trimmed – he wears eyeglasses, a casualblue shirt and dark slacks. Cheers and applausecontinue.]

George Carlin: All right, all right, all right.Thank you. Hey. Come on, now. [crowd finally quiets]Let me ask you something. Who was that guy on thetape? … Does anybody know who that was? He sure hada lot o’ hair, I’ll tell ya that. … Yeah, I hosted,uh, the very first Saturday Night Live — nine yearsago — and they told me if I did a real good job,they’d have me back. … So here I am and I’m reallyglad that some people live up to their word.

On that first show, I did a monologue about God. Andbefore the show was over, by one in the morning, uh,we had the Archbishop of New York, Cardinal Cooke, onthe phone, complaining about the monologue. Seems hedidn’t think that God was a suitable subject for amonologue. Okay in a sermon but – NOT in a monologue…. And I didn’t really say anything THAT wrong — Ifelt. I mean, all I said was, it was my feeling thatif – if you look at it real carefully, that maybe -maybe – God isn’t perfect. You know? Just maybe He’snot perfect. I mean, if He created us in His own imageand likeness, how perfect could He be, you know? … Imean, uh, if God created everything, I’d say He has aserious quality control problem. …

And I think it shows up in His work. I mean, if youtake a look at a mountain range — they’re allcrooked, they’re not nicely up in a line … they’reall different sizes, you know. Leaves, the same thing.You can’t find two leaves the same. Even fingerprints.He can’t make two fingerprints the same! He’s got fourand a half billion people to work with — He can’tmake two of ’em the same. …

Now, the reason I’m repeating these things is ’cause Ithought maybe now that I’m back, maybe we could getthe Archbishop on the phone again tonight. … Now,it’s not the same man. Now, it’s, uh, ArchbishopO’Connor. And I’m not sure about his viewing habits. Idon’t know how late he stays up at night. Probably,he’s working on some really tough, serious governmentproblem at this time. … You know? Well, these days,clergyman have to devote so much time to politics thatthey really don’t have any time to think … much less- much less watch TV. [cheers and applause]

But who knows? Now, that the election is over, maybehe’s sittin’ over there with Jerry Falwell, splittin’a pizza … readin’ the Constitution and flippin’ thedial … and, uh, maybe they’ll give us a call. I toldthem in the control room — if we got a call fromArchbishop O’Connor — please, take a number and I’llget back to him, okay? …

And, hey, speaking – speaking of Jerry Falwell, thishas been a strange year. 1984? We started with Orwelland wound up with Falwell? … Huh? I’m not reallysure how this church and state separation stuff isgonna work out. Ah, personally, I’m in favor of theseparation of church and state. My feeling is thateither one of these institutions screws you up badenough on its own. … You put them together and yougot certain death. …

So, uh, I would like to begin the show with a prayertonight, if you don’t mind. … Uh, this is a littleprayer dedicated to the separation of church andstate. And I guess if they’re gonna force those kidsto pray in school, they might as well have a niceprayer like this:

Our Father who art in Heaven
And to the Republic for which it stands …
Thy kingdom come,
One nation, indivisible
As it is in Heaven …
Give us this day
As we forgive those
Who so proudly we hail …
Crown Thy good
Into temptation …
But deliver us from
The twilight.
Amen …

[Cheers and applause]

Okay. We’ll be right back.

[Even louder cheers and applause as we pull back anddissolve to a wider shot that includes the crowdbefore fading out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts