For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 7th, 1984
Michael Douglas
Deniece Williams
Kenny Loggins
Recurring Characters: Wayne Huevos.
(Repeat) See: 02/19/83.
Winston University
Teacher … Robin Duke
Mr. York … Billy Crystal
Roger … Jim Belushi
1st Student … Gary Kroeger
2nd Student … Tim Kazurinsky
3rd Student … Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Sleeping Student … Brad Hall
[High school classroom. CLASS OF ’84 COLLEGE DAY iswritten on the chalkboard. The students chatternoisily as the teacher brings the class toorder.]
Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could wehave quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr.York. He’s from Winston University.
[The teacher sits as the wimpy, bespectacled collegerecruiter Mr. York stands at the front of the room infront of an easel displaying a large card with a colorphoto of the campus and struggles through a weak salespitch.]
Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class]Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal artsinstitution which is located just thirty-five mileswest of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?
[The apathetic students pay little attention to any ofthis. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]
Mr. York: No? ‘Kay. [next card shows a photo ofa science building] Uh, this is the sciencebuilding. And we’ve got excellent laboratoryfacilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh,anyone here interested in science? [long pause,no response] No?
[Suddenly, a jock named Roger, wearing football shirtand sunglasses, speaks up.]
Roger: Yeah.
Mr. York: You?
Roger: Yeah. I – I’m interested in, uh,aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makesloud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jetshooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the otherstudents laugh.]
Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behaveyourself! Turn– Roger, turn around! [chastises theclass] Now, you people are seniors now! This CollegeDay is for your benefit! You only have two moreyears to decide about your future — so I suggest thatyou pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead,Mr. York.
Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the sciencebuilding photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizeshe’s got the wrong card, reveals the next card with aphoto of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here.There’s the main quad. Heh. It’s been a whilesince I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad.This is where most of the freshman dormitories are.Uh, now, if – if you’re a freshman there, you – you’rerequired to use the dorms for the freshman year.[students groan] Oh, you’ll like them, they’re verynice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuseme. Ohhh. Oooh.
Teacher: [rises] Mister – Mister York, are youall right?
Mr. York: I – I’m – I’m sorry. I have aterrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?
Teacher: Oh, yes, there’s some up in theteachers’ lounge.
Mr. York: Thank you.
Teacher: I’ll go get some.
Mr. York: Thank you very much.
Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes theclass] Now, you kids behave yourself. [studentsgrumble reluctant agreement] I’ll be rightback.
[The teacher exits out the door. Mr. York, who hasfaked his headache in order to get the teacher out ofthe room, cautiously hurries to the door and shuts itafter her.]
Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How longwill it take her to get back here? [whips off hiseyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump insurprise]
1st Student: I don’t know — about threeminutes.
Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKEUP! LET’S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair andpoints to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET’SGO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSETHOSE BLINDS! LET’S GO! [two students jump up and allblinds are closed as York rushes to the front of theroom and whips off his jacket] Let’s get this thingstarted.
Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attentionriveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly butclearly] Now, listen carefully, I’m about to tell yousomething. It’s a secret. And if this secret everleaves this classroom, I will find you – and I willkill you. … [the students look at each other dumbly]Do you understand? Here’s how it works!
[reveals the next card on the easel – an illustrationof a stack of cash split evenly between YOU andUNIVERSITY] Your parents cough up twelve thousanddollars a year to send you to Winston University,right? We split it right down the middle! … Sixthousand for you, six thousand for us. For four years,that’s twenty-four thousand dollars. Got it?
[the students murmur enthusiastic agreement – nextcard shows an illustration of a campus full of falsebuilding fronts] All right, this is the campus. All ofthe buildings on campus? FAKE! … [points to the onereal building] This building is the dormitory. That’swhat we use it for on only one day of the year –Visiting Day, April 12th. We don’t care what you dowith the money, we don’t care where you go — but youmust be back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th. …If you’re not back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th,we will find you and we will kill you. …
[students murmur, impressed, “Cool!” – next card is areproduction of a diploma] This is your diploma. Youwill be handed your diploma when you first arrive oncampus but you are NOT to show it to anybody for fouryears. … If you show your diploma to somebody withinthe four-year period, we will find you and we willkill you. …
2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater andeyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But – what aboutour education? What about learning? [Roger thejock smacks him in the back of the head with a book]… I – I’m sorry. Go on.
Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a collegetranscript] Your grade point average will be athree-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheerand applaud – next card shows photos of a telephoneoperator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on dutyto – to forward all your phone calls. We will beforwarding your mail. Now–
3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really getaway with this?
Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massivecrowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, WinstonUniversity had a graduating class of fifty-ninethousand. … No books, no tests, no classes! Justtwenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spendit in! Winston University! Remember our motto — [nextcard reads:] “You Tell Anyone and We’ll KillYou.”
[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returnswith a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at thestudents enthusiasm. York quickly hides thecards.]
Mr. York: What’s the best college in theworld?!
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!
Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your nextfour years?!
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!
Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take someapplications on the way out.
[York hands out applications as the students excitedlyrush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]
Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you.Right, bye. Bye-bye.
[The teacher watches in amazement as the studentsdepart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put onhis jacket.]
Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh,here you go.
Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I’mfeeling much better now.
Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students soenthusiastic.
Mr. York: Well–
Teacher: You must be a terrificsalesman.
Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sellsitself.
Teacher: Well, I can imagine.
Mr. York: [chuckles]
Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty hereare graduates of Winston University. …
Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I’ve gotto go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you.Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]
Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself,thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it muchthough. Hmm.
[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and startsto erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view ofthe classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights,microphones, and the applauding Studio 8Haudience.]
Submitted Anonymously
Billy Crystal’s SNL Story
… Billy Crystal
… Dave Wilson
[Applause for host Billy Crystal who stands in frontof a fancy backdrop labeled “MUSIC HALL” and addressesthe camera.]
Billy Crystal: Thank you. I– [waits forapplause to end] I am, uh, especially thrilled to bethe host of Saturday Night Live tonight. This is showthree-seventy. Three hundred and seventy shows. I waspart of – the first show. You may not have–[scattered applause] But you didn’t see me. … Andthat is what this story’s quickly about.
You know, when you’re doing something new– This was1975 and I was a new comic. I was “Bill” Crystal then– I was too hip for the “Y” and– … There was thisexciting show called Saturday Night Live and we werehere and I was part of the first show. The guest hostwas George Carlin and there was Andy Kaufman, ValriBromfield who’s on “The New Show,” Billy Preston,Janis Ian and it was great. And that cast who youloved.
Now, things happen when you do a show — especially ashow like this and you see how crazy we are — thingsmovin’, things gettin’ cut, “Is this gonna work?That’s gonna work?,” the show was different in dressrehearsal than it is now and stuff. I was part ofthat. A piece of material I did was too long for theshow — and I got bumped. I wasn’t on the first show.I walked out those doors there. [points] Had to callmy relatives, which was the worst. [imitating oldJewish man on the phone] “What do you mean?! What didyou do?! Did you get FIRED?!” …
So now I want to do for you the piece of material Ididn’t get a chance to do nine years ago. Okay?[applause] So–
Voice of director Dave Wilson: Billy, Billy,Billy!
Billy Crystal: [looks up] What? What?
Voice of director Dave Wilson: I’m sorry,Billy, you won’t be able to do it. We’re out oftime.
Billy Crystal: [annoyed and disappointed]Ohhhh. [apologetic, to the camera] I’ll see you inanother nine years. [to the director] That’s not fair,Dave! That’s not fair!
[Applause as we dissolve to a bumper photo of Crystal,his hand to his face with one eye peeking out betweenhis spread fingers.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 15
83o: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau
Bad Career Moves
Fred Kaz…..Jim Belushi
Hervé Villechaize…..Billy Crystal
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve onto the set ]
Fred Kaz: Good evening. I’m Fred Kaz, and welcome to “Bad Career Moves.” The show that features people from all walks of life who’ve made diastrous career choices. Won’t you please welcome this week’s guest – Hervé Villechaize.
[ camera pulls out to reveal the tiny Hervé Villechaize sitting in the chair with his legs full across the cushion ]
Hervé Villechaize: Good to see you, Fred. Very nice to see you.
Fred Kaz: Well. It’s very, uh – it’s very nice to see, uh – it’s very nice to see anybody after that last career move you made.
Hervé Villechaize: Yes, yes, I – it has been a very strange time for me, but, uh —
Fred Kaz: So, how have you been?
Hervé Villechaize: I’ve been very good, thank you very much. I, uh, try to keep in shape. You know, I run a great deal.
Fred Kaz: Mmm-hmm. How much?
Hervé Villechaize: I’m up to 300, uh – 350 feet a day. Sometimes, you know, I get a second wind and I can go another 100, 150 feet.
Fred Kaz: Yeah.
Hervé Villechaize: You break into what you call the runner’s exhilarated high. It’s very exhilarating to me.
Fred Kaz: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, listen, uh – you gotta be a nut to quit “Fantasy Island.” Whatever possessed you?
Hervé Villechaize: Well, uh, I felt they were not developing the character of Tattoo as a human being.
Fred Kaz: Yeah. Sure. Like the audience really cared. I mean, uh, Hervé, all you really had to do was point to the plane and say, “Da plane, Boss! Da plane! Da plane!” And you get to go home with a big sack of money.
Hervé Villechaize: Well, you don’t understand. I wanted to grow as an actor. Uh, I wanted to stretch.
Fred Kaz: Oh, stop it!
Hervé Villechaize: In fact, I always got a feeling on the set that Ricardo Montalban – who I had most of my scenes with – he was, like, looking down on me! And the food, at lunch, was always too big for me to handle. So, in the end, uh.. well, it came down, like it does in this business very often, to money. I wanted to get paid what I felt an actor of my status should be paid.
Fred Kaz: Yeah? Well, how much was that?
Hervé Villechaize: $75,000 a week.
Fred Kaz: What? Tom Selleck only gets fifty grand a week!
Hervé Villechaize: So? I felt that ws what I was worth, and I quit!
Fred Kaz: So, that’s riduculous! That’s $25,000 a foot!
Hervé Villechaize: Well —
Fred Kaz: It was a bad career move. It was a bad career move. So, what are you working on now?
Hervé Villechaize: I’m doing a little dinner theater. Uh, it’s an all-dwarf production of “Death of a Salesman.” We’re at the Rama Rama Dinner Theater, just outside Chula Vista. Just take I-90 to 106, get off at the Chimichango exit, adn we’re just opposite Carpet World.
Fred Kaz: Death of a Salesman”?
Hervé Villechaize: Oh yes, it’s a great play, and I play the classic role of Willy Loman. The play – the play – is very good. [ no audience response ] The play – the play – is very good. [ audience laughs ] But the food is very good.
Fred Kaz: Yeah. Well, thanks, Hervé. You were a real idiot to quit “Fantasy Island.”
Hervé Villechaize: Thank you.
Fred Kaz: Anywho – join us next week on “Bad Career Moves”, when our guests – host – guest – will be Suzanne Somers. So long.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 15
83o: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau
Goodnights
…..Billy Crystal
Billy Crystal: I had a mahvelous time! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 15
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
February 25th, 1984
Billy Crystal
Al Jarreau
None
Andy Breckman
Ed Koch
Clint Smith
Yvonne Hudson St. Patrick’s Day Wrap-UpSummary: A confused Siobhan Cahill (Mary Gross) reports from a Purim celebration instead of the St. Patrick’s Day celebration she’d intended.
Recurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.
Montage
Bill Crystal’s MonologueSummary: Billy Crystal performs stand-up about dating as a teenager.
Hung Like MeRecurring Characters: Pee Wee Herman.
Winston UniversitySummary: The recruiter (Billy Crystal) for Winston University lets a high school class in on a secret, but, if they tell anyone about it, he will track them down and kill them.
Transcript
Family in the AtticSummary: A Swiss couple (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) suddenly remember that they never set a group of WWII refugees free after the war ended.
Note: This sketch was pre-filmed to accomodate Eddie Murphy’s movie schedule.
Sammy & ronald ReaganSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) asks Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) to publicly hug his opponents as a measure to guarantee his re-election.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Sammy Davis, Jr.
Unanswered Questions of the UniverseRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.
Bad Career MovesSummary: Fred Kaz (Jim Belushi) interviews Hervé Villechaize (Billy Crystal), who recently quit “Fantasy Island” in pursuit of more money.
Transcript
Saturday Night NewsSummary: Recurring Characters: Fernando.
Al Jarreau performs “Mornin'”
God’s PlaceRecurring Characters: John F. Kennedy, Babe Ruth, Charlie Chaplin.
The Womb
Al Jarreau performs “Trouble in Paradise”
Billy Crystal’s SNL StorySummary: Billy Crystal tells the audience about his stand-up performance that was cut from the very first of episode of “Saturday Night Live”, but time runs out once more before he can perform it.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
News Bar
Bartender…..Brad Hall
Joe Piscopo…..Tom Snyder
Julia Louis-Dreyfus…..Linda Ellerbee
…..Edwin Newman
Bartender: Here’s some nuts.
Tom Snyder: Hey, hey, Elerbee! Pass those beer nuts. Don’t be greedy! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Linda Ellerbee: Ladies and gentlemen, some call it retirement. Some call it a permenent vacation. I call it unemployment. And so, I toast to tonight’s top story: Edwin Newman.
Tom Snyder: Okay, I’ll go for that. First I got canned, then Ellerbee got canned, now you got canned, Ed! Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s a small world! Ha! Actually, it’s a small network! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Edwin Newman: Actually, Tom, I retired voluntarily.
Tom Snyder: Yeah, you retired voluntarily, just like Nixon! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Linda Ellerbee: Well Ed, I must run. But first, this. To Edward Newan, great newsman, and so it goes, and so do I.
Edwin Newman: Goodnight, Linda.
Linda Ellerbee: Goodnight. And goodnight, for NBC News.
Tom Snyder: You know, Ed, that broad talks funny. Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess it’s time for me to buy you a drink. Hey, I wanna hear more about this “retirement” thing of yours. Right after this brief message. Now tell me about this firing – I mean retiring. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Edwin Newman: Well, I’ll tell you the truth, Tom. The news business is a new business these days.
Tom Snyder: Alright, alright, alright, I’ll go with that, Ed. I mean, in your day, an anchorman could also be a critic, a reporter, a commentator, I mean, nowadays, an anchorman can only do one thing; it’s a highly specialized skill.
Edwin Newman: Well, maybe if you call smiling a skill. Nowadays, how a man’s mouth looks is more important than what comes out of it. Networks..
[ singing ]
“Why can’t the networks teach the anchors how to speak?
‘Stead of telling them how to style their hair, pick a suit that’s chic?
They dress like fashion models, they all look like Mark Spitz,
And they sound as if they’d learned their English from Burlitz.
They read the news with foot in mouth, instead of tongue in cheek,
Why can’t the anchors learn to speak?”
Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, alright! Ha ha ha ha ha! Did you ever think of going on “Star Search?” Hey, Ed Newman and Ed MacMahon: News and Booze! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, Ed, don’t you think you’re exaggerating a little bit?
Edwin Newman: Well, maybe a little, but I tell you what..
Tom Snyder: What?
Edwin Newman: If you give me a man with a nice voice, sufficiently nice voice, and good hair, I’ll turn him into a anchorperson.
Tom Snyder: Well, alright, sir. How about Blondy over there?
Edwin Newman: Well, I have seen more promising material.. but what the hell. It’s done, we’ve shaken.
Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s get this thing going here. Hey, bartender, get the over here.
Bartender: Yeah, got your beers here.
Tom Snyder: Well, me and my buddy here made a wager that he could turn anyone into a news anchorman. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Bartender: Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. I used to read the news on “Saturday Night Live”. Hi, I’m Brad Hall.
Edwin Newman: Bet’s off.
Tom Snyder: Now, Ed, we shook on it.
Edwin Newman: Well, okay. Young man, do you want to be a news anchorperson?
Bartender/Brad Hall: More than anything in the whole world!
[ singing ]
“All I want is a desk somewhere,
Thirty minutes of network air.
Somebody to come and spray my hair.
Oh, wouldn’t I be newsworthy?”
Edwin Newman: Wouldn’t “it” be newsworthy.
Brad Hall: Wouldn’t what be newsworthy?
Edwin Newman: Bet’s off.
Tom Snyder: C’mon. Now strictly speaking, strictly speaking.
Edwin Newman: Let’s try something, shall we? Now, Brad, who’s the leader of Iran?
Brad Hall: Iran. Let’s see…the Iacoca!
Edwin Newman: Ayatollah.
Brad Hall: Ayatollah. Right, Kadaffi.
Edwin Newman: Khomeni.
Brad Hall: Khomeni.
Edwin Newman: Now what does that mean to the people of Iran?
Brad Hall: Free dance lessons?
Edwin Newman: No, not quite. It means pain. Now repeat after me:
[ singing ]
“Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”
Brad Hall: “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”
Edwin Newman: Try it again.
Brad Hall: “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”
Edwin Newman: I think he’s got it!
Tom Snyder: Alright, I’ll buy that.
Brad Hall: “Homeini’s reign is mainly based on pain.”
Edwin Newman: Let’s try something a bit more difficult. Environmental pollution in the Northeast.
Brad Hall: Northeast.. um.. uh..
“Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain.”
Edwin Newman: By George, he’s got it.
Tom Snyder: If you say so, sir.
Brad Hall: “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain.”
Edwin Newman: And where’s the acid rain?
Brad Hall: “In Maine! In Maine!”
Edwin Newman: And what can they do in Maine?
Brad Hall: “Complain! Complain!”
All: “Irainans’ pains come from mainly from Khomeini!”
Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
All: “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain!”
Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 14
83n: Edwin Newman / Kool and the Gang
Hymietown
Jesse Jackson…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on Jesse Jackson standing behind large podium ]
Jesse Jackson: Uhh — Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Jesse Jackson. Yes, I was recently quoted in the Washington Post as referring to a certain group of people… as Hymies. It also said that I called New York… Hymietown. I realize that kind of talk isn’t kosher. But let me see if I can explain it to you all… in song.
[ he grabs one of the podium’s microphones and saunters over in front of a trio of back-up singers ]
As I said, I’m Jes e Jackson, and I’m running for President of the United States. I’m a Libra, and this is a very special message to all you chosen people out there.
Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “No, no!”
Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “No, no, no, no.”
Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.” H ymietown
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“Well, well Hymietown.
I was your one and only until I read the news
Well, now I’m sad and lonely ’cause I put down the Jews
Well, we have so much in common
‘Cause we’ve both been so oppressed.”
Back-up Singers: “All right!”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“We both have big noses And gold chains on our chests I wanna say please now.”
Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I’m begging you, please.”
Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I’m down on my knees, well, well, well, well.”
Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Hymietown.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“well, well… Hymietown.
I want to form a new coalition,
of soul people and bagel people.
From the Chitlin’ District, to the Diamond District.
From catfish to gefilte fish.
We all need to live as one.
I want to look out over the crowd and s ee both leather hats and yarmulkes side by side.
So come on, you brothers and sisters…
all you hymies and hymettes…”
Back-up Singers:
“Let’s get it together
Yeah!”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Let’s bring it all down, well, well, well.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I wanna talk about love for one another.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Want to form a soul and kosher coalition.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I love those black suits you wear.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “And them little tiny curls that hang down in your hair.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “You know we all need one another.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I want to stay right here in Hymietown, well, well.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ]
“With all my hymie brothers and sisters
Sometimes I feel a little hymie myself.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Baruch ata adonai.”
Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”
Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Hymietown!”
[ fade ]
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
February 25th, 1984
Edwin Newman
Kool & The Gang
Harry Anderson
Kool & The Gang, “Celebration”
Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.
(Repeat) See: 02/11/84.
Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.
(Repeat) See: 03/20/82.
Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.
Recurring Characters: Worthington Clotman.
Joel Hodgson
…..Joel Hodgson
Joel Hodgson: Do you remember when we were little, and we’d take tin cans and put ’em together and make a telephone? (He reaches into large brown case and pulls out two cans with metal rods sticking out of the top) Do you? Well, they’re cordless now.
Here’s an impression I’d like to do for you. (He takes a small mechanical woodpecker and attaches it to his forehead.) I’m a tree. (Woodpecker starts pecking at his head.)
Hey, look. (He pulls out a gaudy orange and black tie.) They finally found Fred Flintstone’s tie.
This is a new trick I just made up. (He turns around, placing something around his neck.) It’s something I designed for the active priest. All right? (He turns back around and shows a black and white priest’s collar under his jacket. He then pulls the collar up, revealing it is a visor you can then put on your head.)
Now, I don’t know if any of you have pets at home, but when my goldfish are good to me, I like to be good to them. (He moves over to a record player and places a small fish tank with two goldfish in it on the turntable. He turns the turntable on, and the fish tank starts slowly spinning around) This allows them to lie perfectly still while the water rushes around ’em.
This is a new trick. It’s my impression of an electric pencil sharpener. What I have is an ordinary unsharpened pencil. (He pulls out an unsharpened pencil, sticks it up his nose, and then makes a whirring sound. After a few seconds, He then pulls a sharpened pencil out of his nose, the unsharpened cap of the pencil stuck in his nose. He then tries to “snort” the unsharpened cap of the pencil into his coat pocket. He misses.)
Okay, how many — here’s a trick you’ve never seen before, and you’ll never, ever see again.
(He takes a container and puts it over his head. It has a hole in the top, a handle on the side and two rollers in front. He then turns the handle, and a flat, rubberized face comes out from between the rollers. He then takes the face, shows it to the audience, and places it back in the hole in the top of the machine. He takes the contraption off his head, rubbing his face in pain.) I hate that trick.
Okay, I happen to be a master at making balloon animals. (He pulls a long, thin balloon out of his bag, also showing a large bag of the balloons waiting to be blown up.) I make, like, over 100 different balloon animals, and I’d like to do ’em all for you right now. Since I can make so many different balloon animals, I’d like someone from the audience to name a real exotic animal that you’d like to see me make.
Audience Member: A woodchuck!
Joel Hodgson: Besides a woodchuck. (The audience starts shouting out suggestions. One audience member shouts out snake, and Joel gives him a look. He then reaches into his bag, pulling out a Mr. Potato Head.)
Hey, this is you, okay? What do you want me to make? Really. (Audience starts shouting out suggestions again). Elephant? All right, I’ll make an elephant. You said elephant, right?
Okay, long or short-haired? Oh, yeah.
Audience Member: Long hair.
Joel Hodgson: Long hair? Okay, a long-haired elephant. (He has blown the balloon out to his full length). One, two, three, go. (He quickly starts twisting the balloon, moving it around.) I make over 100 different balloon animals, but they all end up looking like little dogs. (He shows the animal he made, which resembles a small poodle, complete with puffy tail tip. He then hands the animal to the audience member who made the suggestion of the elephant.) I want that guy who said snake to come up here. Will you come up here? Come on, you can give him a round of applause. Come on up here.
(The member of the audience, a man, joins Joel on stage as the audience applauds.)
Just stand right there. Stand right there. (He and the audience member take their positions on either side of table. He then brings out a Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots game.) Okay, this is Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. All right, and you have to try to knock my block off. (He takes his position as the blue robot, while the audience member takes the controls as the red robot) All right? One, two, three, go! (He and the audience member’s robots start punching one another.) Not so rough. Let’s take a break. (The audience member lets go of his controls, and He takes advantage by pushing his robot’s controls, knocking the head back of the audience member’s robot) All right. Thank you. You know, I always win this game, though, ’cause I taped his head down. (He points to his blue robot. The audience laughs and applauds.)
(Fade to black.)
Submitted by Fran Smith
