For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 21st, 1984
Michael Palin
The Motels
None
Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.
Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
Linda Ronstadt
Linda Ronstadt…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[FADE IN on Julia-Louis Dreyfus dressed and posing like Linda Ronstadt. The words, Whats New–Nelson Riddle and His Orchestra frame the shot, exactly like Ronstadts album of the same name. The background music to the title track plays, and Julia begins to sing live.]
Linda Ronstadt: [singing]
Whats new?
How is the world treating you?
I made the big bucks fast,
Since I have learned to rip off the past.
Whats new?
In four years, Ill be 42,
And musics just a game,
A silly riddle, Nelsons his name.
[Julia sits up]
Linda Ronstadt: [singing]
Whats old?
Records I make turn to gold,
And though the incomes grand,
The songs I sing, I dont understand,
Thank God for the band.
Whats next?
This old backup singers perplexed.
[coyly] I sing old songs for you,
Cause I cant do whats new!
[ZOOM back to show Julia leaning back and posing as before, and then the same album frame appears around the shot.]
Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!
Michael Jackson Public Service Ad
Stagehand…..Tim Kazurinsky
Michael Jackson…..Eddie Murphy
[FADE IN on a shot of Eddie Murphy as Michael Jackson, performing Billie Jean onstage as seen from the wings. He lip-syncs the end of the song for about 10 seconds, and then canned applause takes over, and the man walks almost prissily backstage. A stagehand holds out a towel as Eddie runs in.]
Stagehand: Beautiful, beautiful! Beautiful!
Michael Jackson: [in an effeminate voice] Thank you, thank you! [to camera] Thank you all! Um, Id to talk to you men out there for a moment.
[audience laughs]
Michael Jackson: Not long ago, I wrote a song called Billie Jean, and Im afraid it was misunderstood by everyone. A lot of people thought I actually did get a girl pregnant and then walked out on her. But believe me, nothing could be further from the truth.
[audience roars with laughter]
Michael Jackson: Take it from me, Michael Jackson, fellas. Its beautiful that, to love somebody, and its wonderful, but please dont let it get out of hand. Remember: Nice boys dont get girls pregnant.
[SUPERIMPOSE the last line on the bottom of the screen. Michael smiles coyly for the camera and pats his face dry. FADE OUT.]
Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 14th, 1984
Father Guido Sarducci
Huey Lewis & The News
Steven Wright
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 8
83h: Flip Wilson / Stevie Nicks
Older Sisters of the Young
Mary Tyler Moore…..Mary Gross
[ Open on Mary Tyler Moore sitting in an armchair in a study. ]
Mary Tyler Moore: [ sing-songy voice ] Hi! I’m Mary Tyler Moore. You know, Christmas is a time for the very young. A time to think about those kids who really need someone to love them, and give them a home. So I myself have just adopted one of these children. For eight years, he was shuttled from hospital to hospital, never knowing a good night’s sleep or a decent meal.
[ A young man sits by her side. She gives a glance, then faces the camera again ]
Mary Tyler Moore: Yes, Richard was in medical school. And like thousands of other attractive young doctors, he desperately needed the guiding hand of a mature, experienced woman. I adopted this unfortunate, muscular young man, and I haven’t regretted it for a minute! And for just a few hundred thousand dollars a year, you can support one of these poor, vigorous young bucks, and enjoy all his love, warmth and boundless physical endurance. So, if you’re between the ages of 35 and … whatever …
[ An address is displayed ]
Mary Tyler Moore: … write to Older Sisters of the Young, Post Office Box 52, Beverly Hills, California. Boy, a young body is a terrible thing to waste.
[ fade ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 8
83h: Flip Wilson / Stevie Nicks
Flip Wilson’s Monologue
…..Flip Wilson
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Flip Wilson!
[ Flip takes center stage, bowing and eliciting more applause from the audience. ]
Flip Wilson: Woo! Thank you! Okay … okay … oh … thank you very much. Thank you very much, and welcome! We’re gonna have a good time here tonight. This is my, this is my birthday and Christmas present to you! [ more applause ] We’re gonna have a GOOD TIME! Good time! [ waits for the applause to die down, then talks to someone off-camera ] Hey … uh … I think we’ve used up almost all of my monologue time in applause, therefore if we could just — hey, hey, I’m gonna do some of that disc — you know, the humor? The stories that the uh, censor told me I couldn’t do? … I’m gonna do ’em. [ more cheers ] I’m just gonna do — I’m just gonna do one! Well — we’re live, and I know he’s not gonna come out here and snatch me off! Besides, I’m do — well, this is a story I call, discontinued humor. I stopped doing it out of respect to all my Polish friends. ‘Cause I got a lot of Polish friends who’re tired of hearing those Polish stories, and uh, one of the guys even went to the extent of saying to himself that he was gonna develop an Italian accent and change his name, so people would think he was Italian, then he wouldn’t have to hear those Polish stories. And he worked on it about six months. He had it down pretty good, and he was ready to try it out one day, and he goes into a little shop, and he says to the proprietor, “Sir, my name-a Tony. Sir, I wanna buy some mozzarella, some-a rigatoni and-a some scungilli.” And the proprietor said, “You’re Polish, aren’t you?” The fella said, “Yeah, how’d you know?” The guy said, “Because this is a hardware store.” [ chuckles ] We’ll be right back!
[ Applause, fade out ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Goodnights
…..Flip Wilson
Flip Wilson: Before we go I’d like to thank our musical guest Stevie Nicks (applause), Joel Hodgeson (more applause). I would also like to take the opportunity to thank these wonderful people here on stage with me for making me feel right at home (turns and starts to thank each castmember–individually. Turns back and addresses the control room) Whenever you’re ready y’all can just fade to black…
(Flip continues to mingle as the theme song starts up)
Don Pardo VO: (as credits roll) This is Don Pardo saying, thank you for tuning in, and thank you for a wonderful year! If I don’t get a chance to do so, Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!
And for our Jewish friends–Happy Hannukah!
And for our daredevil friends…lotsa luck!
And for our political friends…Have a Good Election!
And for our musical friends…The Beat Goes On!
And for our West Coast friends..Having a Groovy Space!
And for our Alan Thicke friends….
….goodnight…..
Thanks to Shawn for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 10th, 1983
Flip Wilson
Stevie Nicks
Joel Hodgson
Stevie Nicks, “Stand Back”
Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.
Recurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.
Recurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.
Studio Rain Delay
…..Tom Seaver
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Ron Luciano
[ open on rain pouring down in the studio ]
[ SCROLL: “Saturday Night Live… Rain Delay… Please Stay Tuned…” ]
Tom Seaver: Well, we’re here at Saturday Night Live, and, as you can, seem it’s coming down pretty hard here. You know, it’s been raining all day, it’s really a mess out there. There’s umpire Ron Luciano, he’s checking the stage. He doesn’t look very happy – of course not. He’s the guy who’s gonna have the final decision on whether or not to cancel the show tonight. Boy, this is really a shame.
I’m Tom Seaver. You know, “Saturday Night Live” has been on the air for nine years now, and, to the best of my knowledge, this would be the very first time they’ve been cancelled because of rain. And what a shame that would be. We have a capacity crowd here tonight, and they would really be disappointed. Many of them have been waiting all day long – some of them sleeping outside in sleeping bags so they could get tickets.
And, wait a minute, we’ve got a biggie now. Just in case the show is cancelled, NBC does have “Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein”. We’ve got that standing by. I think Bela Lugosi’s in that one, too.
You can see a few of the members of the cast here on the stage. Timmy up there, and Mary Gross. The Belush-man, Jim Belushi, up at the top. I know these kids would love to get this game in the show, and they’re really gamers. They’re troopers, the show must go on, and that’s what they really believe.
On the stage here, as you can see, it’s still wet. A couple of them here.. Julia’s here and Gary’s here. I know, Gary, you had a great show last week, and I know you’d like to get this one in, ’cause you’re on a roll and things have really been going well for you.
Gary Kroeger: I’m very excited.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Me, too.. yeah.
Tom Seaver: Nice talking to you. [ moves along ] The Smothers Brothers, our hosts. I don’t want to get you wet. I know you would hate to see this one get washed out, wouldn’t you?
Tom Smothers: Oh, we’ve been cancelled so many times before, Tom, I’d just hate to see it happen again.
Tom Seaver: Don’t want it to happen again. You have been cancelled! [ laughs ] Yeah, you’re right! [ moves along ]
Well, we’ve got a couple of chipmunks here, I guess.. Brad and Robin.. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if we did get cancelled, I don’t know.. [ moves along ] Pisco! Old buddy Pisco! How you doing, buddy?
Joe Piscopo: How you doing, Tom?
Tom Seaver: I know you feel badly out here, you guys have been in the trenches working hard all week, you must feel pretty disappointed about all this, huh?
Joe Piscopo: Uh, not really, Tom, you know I’ve never seen “Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein”, you know? I’m looking forward to seeing that, Bela Lugosi’s in that one, you know?
Tom Seaver: I think he is, you’re right. What’s going through your mind right now?
Joe Piscopo: Well, I’d like to kill the guy playing that organ.
Tom Seaver: [ laughs ] I don’t think I’d blame you! [ the rain slows down ] You know what, wait a minute, wait a minute.. Hold on here.. it is. It is letting up! Holy cow, we might get this one in! Look at it! Hey, they’re rolling out the carpet, the crew’s coming out! I think Luciano wants to play this one!
Ron Luciano: [ final call decided ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Know Your Neighbor
Bob McCarthy…..Jim Belushi
Marcy Ackerman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Bob McCarthy: Hi. I’m Bob McCarthy, and welcome to “Know Your Neighbor”. This week, our Jewish viewers are celebrating Hanukkah. I hope I pronounced that right.
Marcy Ackerman: Yes. you did.
Bob McCarthy: Here to tell us a little more about the holiday is Marcy Ackerman, who’s Vice-President of the local Jewish Woman’s League. Welcome to the show, Marcy.
Marcy Ackerman: Thank you.
Bob McCarthy: So.. Hanukkah. Is sort of like your Christmas, is that it?
Marcy Ackerman: Well, no, actually, they fall at the same time, but, um.. really they’re quite different. If, uh..
Bob McCarthy: So, what you’re saying is.. do you have, like, a tree, or what?
Marcy Ackerman: Oh, no, no, no, no. We call Hanukkah the Festival of Lights.
Bob McCarthy: Right.
Marcy Ackerman: And we celebrate it by lighting a candle every night for eight nights.
Bob McCarthy: I see.
Marcy Ackerman: Now, uh.. the first candle is called the Shama.
Bob McCarthy: Wait. The Shama. Is that right?
Marcy Ackerman: Shamas, that’s right. And the candles are placed in holders just like this. And the holder is called the menorah.
Bob McCarthy: Wait a minute, now.. a menorah?
Marcy Ackerman: Yes.
Bob McCarthy: Hank, you getting a close-up of the menorah? [ laughs ] Menorah! Go ahead.
Marcy Ackerman: Mr. McCarthy, there’s nothing really funny about this.
Bob McCarthy: I’m sorry, honey, I was just thinking about something else.
Marcy Ackerman: Oh, okay.
Bob McCarthy: Boy, this is very fascinating!
Marcy Ackerman: Oh, thank you.. um.. in some Jewish households, it’s traditional to give the children Hanukah gelts.
Bob McCarthy: Gelts?
Marcy Ackerman: Right. Hanukkah gelts. Which is money.
Bob McCarthy: [ laughs ] Well, there’s a big surprise! Jewish kids getting money! [ laughs ] Blow me over with a feather! [ laughs ]
Marcy Ackerman: Well, actually, um.. Hanukah celebrates a major military victory.
Bob McCarthy: Yeah, okay.
Marcy Ackerman: In 165 B.C., a great Jewish leader named Judah Macabe was..
Bob McCarthy: [ does a spittake ] Wait a minute! Judah Macabe?!
Marcy Ackerman: Yeah.
Bob McCarthy: No, really, that’s his name? Judah Macabe?! Where does he come from, McDonaldLand or something? [ looks offstage ] What do you mean? I’m not being offensive, come on, we’re just talking here! [ to Marcy ] Go ahead.
Marcy Ackerman: Um.. well, anyway..
Bob McCarthy: This is really fascinating, really.
Marcy Ackerman: Well, anyway.. when they got to the temple, there was only enough oil in the lamp to last for one day..
Bob McCarthy: Mmm-hmm..
Marcy Ackerman: ..but the oil lasted for eight days..
Bob McCarthy: Ooohh!
Marcy Ackerman: And, uh.. that’s the miracle of Hanukkah.
Bob McCarthy: What?! That’s the miracle?! I mean, the oil lasted for eight days?! [ laughs ] Come on, you’re kidding me, right?!
Marcy Ackerman: No..
Bob McCarthy: [ laughs ] Boy, that’s the wimpiest miracle I’ve ever heard in my life! [ looks offstage ] Come on, I’m not being disrepestful, we’re just talking! [ to Marcy ] Come on, come on, come on. Now, you call that a miracle, Marcy?
Marcy Ackerman: Yeah, I..
Bob McCarthy: Look, Marcy, let me ask you a question, alright? Suppose I’m driving down the New Jersey Turnpike, right? My gas gauge is on empty, but I make it 40 miles to the Exxon station, okay? Can I get an eight-day holiday for that?
Marcy Ackerman: [ upset ] Mr. McCarthy..!
Bob McCarthy: Are you gonna say, “Oh, that’s a miracle! The miracle of the gas gauge!” [ laughs ] Come on, can I be frank here? You know what gets me about you Hebrews..?
[ cut abruptly to logo ]
[ cut back to set with Stagehand sitting in for Bob McCarthy ]
Stagehand: Uh.. Bob McCarthy was called away suddenly. I guess that’s all for tonight.. so.. goodnight.
[ dissolve to logo, fade ]