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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Ron Howard’s Monologue

…..Ron Howard

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Ron Howard!

Ron Howard: Thank you! I have really been looking forward to doing the show tonight, because I have spent my entire life.. in prime-time.. being repressed. But this – this is late-night. This is live! This is my time to fly! So what if it’s past my bedtime? I’m up! I’m finally gonna get to say some of the things, and do some of the things, that they’d never let me touch on prime-time televison. For example, here’s something they’d never let me say.. [ pulls index card from out of his pocket ] ..“Doo-doo”. Are we still on the air? Okay, here’s another one.. [ reads ] ..”Premarital Sex”. That’s right – Intercourse“. “Jock Itch”. [ looks at card ] Ah, yeah, here’s another good one: “Prophylactic”.

[ changes subject ]

Another thing, too.. [ pulls can of beer out of pocket ] I drank beer on “Happy Days”, but it was prime-time beer. It was fake beer! You all knew that, right? Well, let me tell you something.. [ pops open can ] ..this is the real stuff! [ chugs beer ] Yeah! [ drinks more ] Yeah, this show has been a real liberating experience! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3




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82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Harry Anderson

…..Ron Howard
…..Harry Anderson

Ron Howard: Ladies and gentlemen – the incredible, the unbelievable, and, as his own mother once said: the almost inconceivable – Harry Anderson!

[ Harry Anderson takes the stage, carrying a trick bag and a collapsable chair. He opens the chair, sits the trick bag on the seat, and begins his routine. ]

Harry Anderson: [ reaches into his pocket, glances toward the audience ] How ya’ doing? Here’s one you’ll love. [ removes a piece of paper and a lighter from his pocket. He flicks the switch and sets the paper on fire, which rolls into a cigarette from behind the flames. The audience cheers and claps as Harry puts the cigarette in his mouth. ] This stuff’s dynamite. [ lights the cigarette, puffs, glances behind himself in a paranoid manner ] Huh? [ continues to smoke the cigarette, until the tip explodes ] This stuff is dynamite.

[ drops the cigarette and removes his jacket ]

I’m gonna show you a weird trick. It’s a geek trick – you all into geeks? You know about geeks? Geeks are the guys who work the midway of a circus, and they bite the heads off of chickens, and swallow live snakes, and eat ground glass – they’re party commando types, you know? [ rolls up the sleeve of his left arm ] So this is a trick – it’s a geek trick, so it’s weird and it’s kind of shocking. But it’s a trick. Yuo gotta keep that in mind – it’s a trick. It’s an illusion. Kind of like economic recovery. [ the audience laughs ] Yuo see it, but it ain’t there. It goes like this. I clean off my forearm. [ wipes his forearm with a handkerchief ] not the whole forearm, just the foreskin part. [ puts the handkerchief away and takes out a small anesthetic ] Employing a local anesthetic, for reasons which will become nakedly clear in a moment. Then, I take a very large and a very sharp hat pin. [ looks around ] Hat pin.. hat pin. [ glances up ] Oh. Of course. [ pulls an extremely long hat pin off of his hat ] I take this hat pin, and I will shove it through my arm. [ the audience laughs nervously ] But it’s a trick! It’s a trick. You know? I mean, if you had any idea what I’m getting paid for this, you would know I’m not going to shove the needle through my arm. [ audience laughs ] It’s a gag. [ demonstrates “gag” by shoving his finger down his throat ] A gag. [ sticks his finger down his throat again, then checks the level ] Boy, I’m low. [ removes a flask of alcohol from his pocket and prepares to swig it ] Like the geeks say, “When you swallow a snake, you gotta oil that sucker up, boy!” [ swigs from the flask ] Okay. [ takes a bigger swig ] The needle through the arm gag. A treat for you and your whole.. [ pauses for a small burp ] family.

Can I have mood lighting here? [ no change in lighting ] Thank you. Okay. [ flexes his left arm, hiding the part of his arm he’s going to stab from the audience ] Aaaaggghhhhh!! [ checks for a puncture ] That damn near did it. [ readies his arm anew, then screams as he moves the hat pin forward, obscured from the audience’s view. As far as the audience is concerned, Harry hasn’t shoved the hat pin through his arm at all. ] How’s it look from the cheap seats? Huh? Does it look like it’s going through my arm. [ the audience chuckles at what appears to be a hat pin shoved through Harry’s arm from behind ] It’s spooky, huh? No? Does it look better from this side? [ swings his arm around to reveal the long hat pin pierced across his forearm; the audience gasps and screams ] What a bunch of namby-pambies! What? It’s a trick! It’s an illusion. It looks like — [ glances at his arm ] Gee, that really looks like it, don’t it? But it’s a trick, see? It looks like the needle is going through my arm. Actually, it is not going through my arm. How about that?

[ Harry he begins to move the needle back and forth, as blood begins to trickle from the puncture wounds, causing the audience to scream in horror. Harry himself finally notices the blood dripping down his arm, and pulls his arm up in confusion. ]

What the hell is that?! [ touches the blood with one finger ] Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on! Hold on here, hold on, hold on. [ retrieves the book “101 Needle Gags” from his trick bag, and quickly flips through it ] Hold on, hold on, hold on! Blood. Wait a minute, wait a minute here. Blood. [ flips the pages ] “Bocce Ball”, hold on, hold on. [ flips a page ] “Baby Feet.” [ flips a page ] “Barnyward Animals.” [ flips a page ] Blood, blood, here it is! Blood! [ reads ] “Don’t panic. Apply direct pressure.” [ glances at the audience, points to one of them ] You! Get outta here! Go home, get a job, call your mom! [ shrugs his shoulders, then pokes his finger through the missing lens of his bifocals and continues to read from the book ] “If direct pressure gag doesn’t go over that well, then check the blood. See if it is phony blood made out of karo syrup and food coloring by tasting it.” [ scoops up a fingerful of the blood gushing from his arm, then hesitantly tastes it, making sure to get as much of it on his tongue as he can ] It’s good. It’s delicious. [ scoops up more of the blood and continues to feast upon it ] Yuo see, it’s phony blood. See, the needle — [ twists the hat pin back and forth again, as a woman screams ] Lady, it’s a trick! If your cat has kittens in the oven, you don’t call them biscuits, right? [ the audience laughs ] Why am I — ? I feel like I’m missing the entertainment potential of this thing. [ takes hold of the hat pin once more ] Would you like me to play “Melancholy Baby”? [ twists the hat pin back and forth as though playing the violin, causing the audience to scream louder ]

Okay, okay, enough of that! [ pulls the hat pin out of his arm ] But, so you don’t think I’m a total lunatic here – let me clean the phony blood from my arm — [ wipes the blood off his forearm with his handkerchief ] — and ask this brave lady here to check out my arm. [ approaches a woman near the front of the audience ] Get a good look at it. Feel it and check it out – baby’s bottom. Go ahead, no puncture wounds, right? [ the woman feels his forearm, impressed ] No damage done, right?

Woman in the Audience: It’s amazing.. it’s amazing..

Harry Anderson: Okay! That’s, uh — [ returns to the stage, as the audience applauds ] Since we’re on the geek stuff, what else do you guys like? What other tricks? I’ve got other tricks. What do you like? [ the audience yells suggestions ] Huh? Rabbit? Rabbit? Okay. [ digs around his trick bag for a rabbit ] I got a rabbit. [ pulls out a plush bunny and a huge spike, which he shoves through the plush bunny’s head ] I don’t think it’s clearly as dramatic — [ twists the plush bunny around the spike ] Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Goodnights

…..Ron Howard

[ open on Ron Howard holding two handfuls of helium balloons as the cast and The Clash surround him ]

Ron Howard: Thank you, we had a great time! Thank you very much! To the Winklers! And Stacy — !

[ everyone begins to jump to pop the helium balloons ]

[ Ron Howard lets go of what’s left of the helium balloons, as they float up into the rafters ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Focus On Film

Raheem Abdul Mohammed…Eddie Murphy
…Ron Howard

[Open on “FOCUS ON FILM” graphic. Dissolve to close-up of Raheem Abdul Mohammed on a set decorated with movie posters]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Welcome to “Focus on Film.” I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed, and I’m very happy to have as a very special guest on my show tonight, Mr. Opie Cunningham himself, Ron Howard.

[Applause. Camera zooms out to a two-shot of Raheem and Ron]

Ron Howard: Thank you. Well. Hello, Raheem, it’s good to be here.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: It’s good to have you here, man. Look, tell me somethin’. What was it like workin’ on the “Andy Griffith Show”?

Ron Howard: Well, I tell you those were great years, but I’d really rather talk about my directing career right now.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: [interrupting] Yeah. But, look look look. Listen, man, tell me somethin’. How did the Fonz, right, every time he beat on the jukebox, how’d he make it come on all the time? And was you, um, Andy Taylor’s son or was you Howard Cunningham’s son?

Ron Howard: Look, look, Raheem, I’m not Opie Taylor and I’m not Richie Cunningham. I’m Ron Howard, I’m a grown man. You know I’m directing now? Did you see the new movie I have out, “Night Shift”?

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Was there any black people in it?

Ron Howard: No.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: I didn’t see it, then. What was it about?

Ron Howard: Oh, well, it was, uh, the story about these two pimps.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: It’s the story about two pimps and wasn’t no brothers in it? I don’t know whether to say “Thank you” or punch you in your mouth, man.

Ron Howard: Well, the next film that I’m going to be directing…

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Yeah, but look look look, man, nobody cares about the movies you’re directing. To us and to me, you’re always gonna be little Opie, you know that?

Ron Howard: Well, thank you. That’s nice, but I’m a grown man now, you know, and I have a wife, I have a mustache, beautiful baby daughter.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You got a daughter?

Ron Howard: Yeah. Oh yeah.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Wow, man. I just can’t picture little Opie Cunningham doin’ it. I can’t picture nobody wantin’ to do it with little Opie Cunningham neither.

Ron Howard: Well actually, Raheem, I’ve done it a lot of times.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: [grinning] Wow, Opie Cunningham, a sex machine. You know, if you didn’t shave that–if you shave that mustache off your face, you would still look exactly like Opie Cunningham. That’s why you grew it, right? ‘Cause people walk up to you on the street and say “Hey, Opie Cunningham,” right?

Ron Howard: All right. Let’s talk about…

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: No no, let’s talk about — Look, I know, speakin’ for me, Raheem, and for the rest of the people in the country, we would love to see our little Opie, I want my little Opie, I love Opie, I love him. And I know I would love to have my little Opie Cunningham back. I know the rest of the people out here agree with me right? Let’s get it! Opie Cunningham! Opie Cunningham, come on! Opie Cunningham!… [audience joins him in chanting “Opie Cunningham!”]

[Raheem pulls out an electric razor and tries to shave off Ron Howard’s mustache]

Ron Howard: [Protests and takes razor from Raheem] Hey, knock that off! Hey, come on, I’m not Opie Cunningham. I’m Ron Howard, you understand? Ron Howard! I’m not the person you watch on television. And I’m not cutting off my mustache for you, the public, or anybody else, you understand, because I like it. Me, Ron Howard, the director. Not Opie Taylor, not Richie Cunningham. And I have just one more thing to say to you, Raheem: Sit on it, bucko! [Removes his wireless microphone and exits]

[Zoom back to close-up of Raheem]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: [angrily] Well, ladies and gentlemen, I see the truth finally comes out, huh? Opie Cunningham is a selfish bastard! [Yelling offstage] Hey, what do “bucko” mean? What?! [To camera] I’m gon’ kill him! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

[Title graphic reappears. Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Carter’s Flashback

Reporter…..Gary Kroeger
Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Voice of Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on former President Jimmy Carter sitting comfortably next to a reporter from Time Magazine during an interview ]

Reporter: First of all, President Carter, I think I speak for everyone at Time Magazine when I say that we’re proud to be publishing the excerpts of your memoirs.

Jimmy Carter: Well, you’re very kind, Chris, thank you. And thank you for leaving out that picture of me fighting off that crazed rabbit with a boat paddle!

Reporter: [ laughs politely ]

Jimmy Carter: You know, there are a few things I would like to forget, however: the rabbit, Billy, the Ayatollah, my mother.

Reporter: Let’s talk about your dealings with President Reagan.

Jimmy Carter: I’d rather talk about the rabbit. [ smiles ]

Reporter: [ again laughs politely ]

Jimmy Carter: Actually, it was during a period of transition. Just before I left the White House, I invited Mr. Reagan to the Oval Office. Uh, honestly, I was going to brief him on matters of extreme importance. I was very disturbed at his lack of interest —

[ the screen ripples into the past, into a point-of-view shot of Ronald Reagan walking down the hall outside the Oval Office, where he’s greeted by a Secretary as he hums “Hail to the Chief” ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Hi, I’m Ron Reagan! I’m moving in pretty soon. President Carter asked me to drop by.

Secretary: [ happily ] Oh! Yes, of course, Mr. Reagan. Please come with me.

[ she stands and leads the way into the Oval Office ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Ohh, is this where Jimmy works?

Secretary: Oh, yes sir, this is the Oval Office! Please take a seat. [ Reagan sits facing Carter’s desk ] Um, President Carter will be with you in just one moment. Will there be anything else?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes. You’re fired! Ha ha ha! I’m just kidding.

[ the Secretary smiles politely, then exits the Oval Office ]

[ Reagan’s point-of-view shot glances around the room ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Gee.. the Oval Office. I wonder why they call it that? [ continues to hum “Hail to the Chief” as he begins to move about the Oval Office ] Oh, that’s a nice tune. Oh, gee, when they swear me in, maybe I’ll get Sammy Kahn to write some special lyrics. [ wanders to the back of Carter’s desk ] Gee, the President’s desk. Well, may as well get a feel for it. [ sits at Carter’s desk ] Let’s see, uh, let me say something presidential. Uh.. shut up! [ his hand points toward the door ] Yeah, that’s good! “Shut up.” [ his hand reaches down and pulls open a desk drawer, revealing peanut shells covering doctored photo of Billy Carter; Reagan holds it up , then drops it on the desk and pulls out an issue of Playboy Magazine ] I wonder who the Playmate is? [ opens the magazine to the page featuring an interview with President Carter ]

[ President Carter enters the Oval Office ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh. Uh, hi, Jimmy!

Jimmy Carter: Looking for something?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Just trying it out for size.

Jimmy Carter: Ron, for the next few days, would you mind very much if I sat there?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh, uh, not at all, Jimmy! Knock yourself out!

[ they switch sides at the desk ]

Jimmy Carter: Thank you, thank you very much. [ places his briefcase across the desk ] Ron, now – I-I invited you here to brief you on matters of supreme importance. [ Ron’s hand enters the frame in a posed position, as Ron admires his manicure ] Uh, Ron?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, Jimmy?

Jimmy Carter: I-I was saying – concerning the issue of human rights, I’m sure you’ll want to continue the policy of opposing dictatorial regimes throughout — [ Ron now begins to trim his fingernails with a clipper ] Ron, am I – am I boring you?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh, no. no, no. I-I-I’m all ears.

Jimmy Carter: With regard to our domestic problem, we must never advocate our responsibilty to the nation’s poor.. the elderly.. the disadvantaged — [ Ron holds up a handkerchief in front of the camera; as it disappears from view, we can hear Ron blowing his nose ] Ron, now that you have attended to your personal hygeine, let’s try to ocncentrate for a moment on the SALT negotiations. Of all the overwhelming problems faced by — [ Ron’s hands enters frame and begins to caress Carter’s briefcase ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh – nice briefcase.

Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you, thank you very much, Ron. But, uh, no problem is mroe urgent than finding a way to curb the dangerous and expensive buildup of nuclear — [ Ron opens Csrter’s briefcase with both hands, revealing a beeping triggering device inside labeled “Warning: Triggering Device Activated” ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: [ holds his hand over the trigger button ] What’s the button for?

Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch that, Ron. [ smiles ] I see we have got a lot of work to do. [ closes and locks the briefcase ] Uh.. perhaps there is something that you would like to ask of me?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, uh, Jim – can you do this? [ holds his hands together and twiddles his thumbs around one another ]

Jimmy Carter: [ grabs the briefcase and pulls it away ] No, I can’t, Ron.

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh.. how about this one? [ touches his fingers together, then moves them in a climbing motion and sings: ] “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout..”

Jimmy Carter: [ Carter looks on, dubmfounded, as a side camera pulls out to reveal the cameraman and stagehand kneeling in front of the desk ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 9, 1982

Ron Howard

The Clash

Harry Anderson

Andy Griffith

Rex Reed
Bureau of Weights & MeasuresSummary: The Bureau of Weights & Measures recommends that viewers watch “Saturday Night Live” while holding their TVs in their laps.

Note: This piece did not air in repeats of the episode.

Montage

Ron Howard’s MonologueSummary: Feeling repressed by his prime-time performances in “THe Andy Griffith Show” and “Happy Days”, Ron Howard welcomes his moment on late night television by tossing out taboo words and drinking a Budweiser on the air.

Transcript

Opie’s BackSummary: In the years following Sheriff Andy Taylor’s death, the sterile landscape of Mayberry has turned into a seedy town filled with prostitute rings and strip joints. That is, until little Opie Taylor (Ron Howard) returns from the Vietnam War with a vow to clean Mayberry of its filth. Denizens like Aunt Bea (Robin Duke) and a homosexual Goober (Brad Hall) are resistent, but Opie manages to make things right with a little helpful advice summoned up from Pa (Andy Griffith).

Gaffe: Eddie Murphy plays Floyd the barber as a black man. When Ron Howard accidentally calls him Otis, he rebounds by stating, “I told you I didn’t recognize you!”

Transcript

Velvet JonesSummary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) introduces his series of harlequin romance novels.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) tell their doctor (Ron Howard) that they want to have a baby.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Transcript

Harry AndersonSummary: Comedy-magician Harry Anderson performs an illusion that makes it appear as though he’s shoved a hat pin through his arm, but even he is surprised by the sight of fake blood gushing from the puncture holes.

Transcript

In Search of..Summary: Leonard Nimoy (Joe Piscopo) ponders the appearance of Francis The Talking Mule throughout human history, while overlooking the Vulcan growth of his ears.

Focus on FilmSummary: Ron Howard is anxious to discuss the upcoming film he’s directed, but host Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) would rather discuss “Opie Cunningham.”

Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Mary Gross lists people she thinks shouldn’t have jobs. Brad Hall covers before-and-after photos of celebrities who have had plastic surgery. Brad Hall apologizes for calling James Watt a “slime” on the season premiere, then punches his photo. Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) puts his perspective on the situation in the Middle East.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

The Clash perform “Straight To Hell”

Carter’s FlashbackSummary: While discussing his memoirs with a Time Magazine reporter (Gary Kroeger), former presidnt Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) recalls his meeting with a bored, distracted Ronald Reagan (voice of Joe Piscopo) during his final days in the Oval Office.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Note: Repeat from: 03/27/82.

Sylvester School of Speech TherapySummary: An IRS agent (Tim Kazurinsky) suspects the speech therapy school for extreme stutterers may be a fraud.

Why A HookerSummary: When a john (Ron Howard) asks a hooker (Robin Duke) why she chose her profession, she and her associates provide a long list of cliched reasons.

The Clash perform “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”

Nukes Are For KooksSummary: Shopkeepers (Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) carry personal nuclear warheads to deter crime, but it doesn’t stop a thief (Joe Piscopo) from raiding the cash register.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 2



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82b: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers

Under The Boardwalk

…..Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on a men’s restroom as Joe Piscopo walks in wearing a gray suit and slacks. The first three stalls from the left are all occupied. Joe looks under each door, finally stops at the last stall, steps in, and closes the door. His feet can be seen as he sits on the toilet and pulls down his pants. After a moment, he softly starts humming “Under the Boardwalk” to himself. He pauses a moment, and starts to sing the next verse softly. Another moment later, ZOOM inon his shoes he starts singing for real.]

Joe: [singing]
“Under the boardwalk,
Down by the sea, yeah,
On a blanket with my baby,
That’s where I’ll be.”

[PAN along the stalls and past the other men’s feet as they start singing the chorus with Joe. The audience roars with laughter.]

Others: “Under the boardwalk…”

Joe: “Out of the sun,”

Others: “Under the boardwalk…”

Joe: “We’ll be having some fun…”

Others: “Under the boardwalk…”

Joe: “People walking above,”

Others: “Under the boardwalk…”

Joe: “We’ll be falling in love,”

All: “Under the boardwalk… boardwalk.”

[At that moment, Tim Kazurinsky walks in and checks all the stalls. He sings off key in a tuneless voice.]

Tim: “Don’t push me, ‘cause I’m over the edge, and I’m tryin’ not to lose my head, ha-ha…”

[Tim sees all the stalls are occupied, and he turns to leave.]

Tim: [sort of singing] “It’s like a jungle sometimes, make me wonder why the people goin’ under…”

[Right when Tim leaves, Joe bursts back into song as the other guys harmonize.]

Joe: [ singing]
“Under the boardwalk,
Down by the sea, yeah,
On a blanket with my baby,”

All: “That’s where I’ll beeeee.”

[ZOOM back and FADE OUT as everyone stands up and flushes the toilet.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 2



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82b: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers

The Web

[ shown: exterior of house at night ]

Announcer: It’s a beautiful summer night. A perfect night for aburglery.

[ cut to close-up of a wallet and watch being picked up from a dresser,then burgler leafing through wallet ]

This man is a thief. But now you can stop him before he steals yourvaluables. Before he threatens your family’s security. Now you can stop that burgler – and this is important – before he can get out of his own house!

[ burglar opens front door of his house to prowl into the night, but aseries of alarms suddenly go off, scaring him bback inside ]

Thanks to The Web, by Sentronex. Remember.. he won’t get into your house if he can’t get out of HIS!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 2



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82b: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers

Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix

Mrs. T…..Robin Duke
…..Mr. T

[FADE IN on a minibar with Mr. T. standing in front and Robin Duke as Mrs. T standing behind the counter. She is wearing a pink sleeveless vest and a bald wig, plus a light orange Mohawk with feathers attached.)

Mrs. T: [hollering in a hoarse voice] You’s meetin’ me and my husband Mr. T!! You should be drinkin’ Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix!! I pity the fool that doesn’t drink it!! I pity the fool!! Ain’t that right, Mr. T?!

Mr. T: [points and snarls at camera] I pity the fool!

Mrs. T: Now if you want the real Bloody Mary, you come to my apartment tonight, I SHOW you a real Bloody Mary!! You hear?!

Mr. T: [points at her] She showed me!

Mrs. T: [yells at him] Shut it off, old man, and lemme finish!! The strategy for a real bloody Mary is three parts Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix, and one part vodka!

[She dumps a bunch of mix into a glass, then dashes in some vodka]

Mrs. T: Then you drink it down!

[She chugs drink and wipes off her mouth]

Mrs. T: That’s MEAN! Now if any man says to me he doesn’t want Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix, I say to him, “SHUT UP, OLD MAN!! SHUT UP!!” Then I kill him to death!! I kill the man!! But I pity him first!!! It’s a bloody shame! It’s Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix!!

Mr. T: [pointing and glowering at camera] Buy it, or I’ll kill you!

[Mr. and Mrs. T pick up their drinks and smash them together so hard that the tumblers break. Plastic shards and liquid spill on the bar as Mr. and Mrs. T lick Bloody Mary mix off their hands and glare at each other. Mrs. T holds out her hands as if to say, “You want a piece of me?” FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 8: Episode 2

82b: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy
…..Mr. T

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beatuful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
Maybe when there’s nobody at home, I’ll break in!

So, I married a woman who said she was rich,
Spent all of her money, walked out on the bitch!
Won’t you be my..
Won’t you be my..
Won’t you be my neighbor??”

Hello, boys and girls! [ changes his shoes ] You’re probably wondering why Mr. Robinson is putting on his glitter shoes. Now, these are rock and roll shoes, boys and girls. And, do you know why? Let’s look at our word for the day. [ points to board reading “SCUMI” ] You can’t read it, boys and girls, because it’s the Soul Train Scramble Board! [ rearranges the letters to spell “MUSIC” ] There’s our word for the day! [ walks over to a set of drums ] See what these are, boys and girls? They’re drums. That’s a beautiful instrument, you know. You know where drums come from? Africa! You know where these drums come from? Smokey Robinson was at the Apollo Theater, and left his van open in the back of the place. I ripped him off! I wonder how Smokey is gonna sound with no percussion? You know what drums sound like, boys and girls? Listen. [ starts beating the drums, making quite a racket until the phone rings, eliciting a face ]That’s the telephone, boys and girls! Let’s see who it can be. [ answersphone ] WHO IS IT!! What?! Oh, that ain’t loud – this is loud! [ blows his whistle into the phone, then hangs up and smiles ] Now, where were we, boys and girls? [ returns to banging his drums ]

[ a knock is heard at the door ]

Voice at Door: Mr. Robinson! Robinson! I know you’re in there! Stop beating them drums! You hear me?

Mr. Robinson: That’s my new neighbor. But don’t be scared, boysand girls, I just installed a new lock! He’ll never get in here!

[ continues to bang his drums, as the door is busted through, and Mr. T enters, grabbing Robinson by the throat ]

Mr. T: Hello, boys and girls. The new word for today.. is “pain”. [ to Robinson ] Sing the song!

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “A very happy.. tomorrow.. to you..”

Mr. T: Goodnight, boys and girls.

[ continues to strangle Mr. Robinson as title fades in ]

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