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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 2




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82b: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers

Don’t Hitch-Hike

Hitchhiker…..Tim Kazurinsky

[FADE IN on a man sitting on the shoulder of a narrow, deserted road in mid-afternoon. He is in a white short-sleeved shirt and tan chinos, a blue gym bag at his feet, holding a cardboard sign with “SPRINGFIELD” written on it. Birds are heard chirping in the woods around him. The hitchhiker stares into space, glances down at his watch in dismay, and stands up and begins to walk. A bee is heard buzzing, and he swats it irritably with his sign and tosses it away. He hitches up his belt and takes a few steps down the road, then hears a car engine accelerating behind him.]

[CUT to the other end of the road, where a white car can be seen making its way down a hill. The man turns around and eagerly waits, warms up his thumb, and sticks it out.]

[CUT to a closer shot of the car, a white Rolls Royce with New York plates, as it comes to a stop. CUT to the front windshield and a beautiful blonde woman in her thirties wearing a pearl necklace. She tilts her head to beckon the man inside. The hitchhiker grins and hops into the passenger seat. After closing the door, he turns to her and then looks her up and down in disbelief.]

[CUT to the woman’s bare legs, then PAN up her slender body to reveal her wearing nothing but a white bra and panties. She gives him a smoldering look and takes off down the road. The rider glances helplessly down at her bare legs and laquered fingernails as she moves her hand slowly down her leg to a tape deck. She gently pushes in a cassette which plays soaring, romantic music. The hitchhiker smiles, dazed, and glances again at her breasts inside her cotton bra while she slips him another pert glance and licks her lips.]

[CUT back to his face as she takes his glasses off and puts one tip in her mouth for a moment before tossing them in the back seat. He watches in amazement as she reaches over, rubs his chest, and tears off his shirt in one motion. Frantcially, the man pulls off his shoes and socks and passionately kisses her bare shoulder. She grins in ecstasy and floors the accelerator. The man looks up in horror.]

[CUT to the Rolls barreling down a steep hill and then plummeting off a hundred-foot cliff while the music hits a dramatic note. The car flips once and crashes on its roof before bouncing over a bank and out of sight.]

Announcer: Last year, more than 3000 young people were killed hitch-hiking. Don’t hitch-hike.

[SUPERIMPOSE “DON’T HITCH-HIKE,” and below it a small caption reading, “A Message from the Department of Highway Safety.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 2nd, 1982

Louis Gossett, Jr.

George Thorogood & The Destroyers

None

Mr. T

Eddie Murphy’s father
NBC’s Underwear Is Showing

Montage

Louis Gossett, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Mimicking his role in “An Officer and a Gentlemen”, drill sergeant Louis Gossett, Jr. puts the cast through the rigors of comedy boot camp.

Don’t Hitch-HikeSummary: A hitchhiker (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks his luck has changed when an attractive scantily-clad woman picks him up off the side of the road, until their sexual explorations cause them to tumble off a cliff.

Transcript

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: Mister Robinson’s (Eddie Murphy) word of the day is “Music”, so he plays with a set of drums he ripped off of the Commodores, which angers his neighbor Mr. T.

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

Transcript

Sex TherapyRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.

Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary MixRecurring Characters: Mrs. T.

Transcript

“What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

Under The BoardwalkTranscript

Don Pardo’s Year OffTranscript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

DonahueRecurring Characters: Phil Donahue, Menachim Begin, Yasser Arafat.

George Thorogood & The Destroyers performs “Bad to the Bone”

Black Stereotype Sketch

The Interesting FourRecurring Characters: The Human Stapler, Weather Woman, Seiko, Mr. Wonderful.

The WebSummary: The home protection alarm that keeps burglars in their house so they can’t get into yours.

Transcript

George Thorogood & The Destroyers performs “Back in Wentzville”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Siskel & Ebert

…..Gene Siskel
…..Roger Ebert
…..Chevy Chase

[ Siskel & Ebert turn their chairs away from TV screen with SNL bumper, to face the audience ]

Roger Ebert: Welcome back to “Saturday Night Live”. Across the aisle from me, Gene Siskel, film critic of the Chicago Tribune.

Gene Siskel: And this is Roger Ebert, film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times. And this is history’s first live review of a television show still in progress. We will be reviewing three of the sketches from this week’s show, and, first, Roger begins with the PTC Club.

Roger Ebert: Well, Gene, that was the sketch about the televangelists, and it reminded me of college humor – freshman year. It’s a very tired and cliched reworking on an ancient, old satirical target. I mean, the idea that TV evangelists suffer from sexual repression and lust has been overworked for years. However, the audience participation portion of the show was awesome, totally awesome.

Gene Siskel: They had the best lines. You know, I still think we’re both “Can’t Recommending It” for it. We both can’t recommend that, people had seen this thing.

Roger Ebert: No.

Gene Siskel: No. Actually, why not have the evangelists – a better idea – perform a phony miracle, and it turns out to be a real miracle.

Roger Ebert: Mmm-hmm.

Gene Siskel: Well, our next sketch is the art gallery opening with the white liberals, you remember that. Uh, I like this, even though it’s almost as good as that old religion sketch. You know, the difference? Eddie Murphy, I think he really made it work.

Roger Ebert: Right on, Gene! I liked the acting, too. But, uh, why give us angry blacks and white liberals yet once again? Why not flip it, and give us black liberals patronizing angry whites?

Gene Siskel: Well, I think for that they’d need more blacks in the cast maybe, huh?

Roger Ebert: My next sketch is, uh.. “Video Junkies” a film about kids hooked on video games. I thought this was a brilliant satire, right down to the tightly controlled hysteria of the Narrator’s voice. And it made a good point, that most of those alarmist TV documentaries are pretty much interchangeable.

Gene Siskel: Well, I thought it was terrific, too. I was impressed by the actor who played the doctor in the sketch, and by the quality of the video in the piece. [ accidentally reading Ebert’s cue card ] I couldn’t decide if it, uh — what?

Roger Ebert: I couldn’t decide if it reminded me of Fellini or Bergman.

Gene Siskel: I couldn’t decide it, either.

[ sound effect of barking dog ]

Roger Ebert: That sound of the dog barking reminds us that it’s time for our “Dog of the Week” segment.

[ image of Chevy Chase appears on the screen between Siskel & Ebert ]

Gene Siskel: Well, Roger, I think we’re both going to agree on this one. The dog in this show, obviously, is – that’s right – Chevy Chase.

Roger Ebert: I think that’s, uh, pretty obvious.

Gene Siskel: He couldn’t even be bothered to fly in from the coast for the show.

[ Chevy begins moving his lips to mock Siskel & Ebert ]

Roger Ebert: You know, Gene, speaking of dogs: “Oh, Heavenly Dog” was the movie where Chevy was reincarnated as Benji the dog.. and that movie split the audience right down the middle. Half the people were disappointed when Chevy turned into the dog, and the other half were disappointed when the dog turned into Chevy.

Gene Siskel: Well, in another movie, “Seems Like Old Times”, I know that the best scene there was played by Chevy’s hand. He was lying under the bed when Goldie Hawn stepped on his hand with her high heeled shoe. Uh.. the hand played the scene, though, like Marlon Brando. it was really one of the great acting hand jobs of all time.

Roger Ebert: Exactly, Gene. One thing you can say for television that you can’t say for the movies — [ looks behind him to the TV screen ] Can you hear us, Chevy? [ Chevy doesn’t motion, so Ebert turns the tube off ]

Gene Siskel: Well, so much for this show. Next time, we’ll see you.. “At The Movies”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Popeil Galactic Prophylactic

Spokesman…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Spokesman holding a handful of condom packets ]

Spokesman: Men! How many prophylactics do you use in a year?! Twenty?! Thirty?! Forty?! A hundred?! [ strolls over to product ] Well, you never need buy a prophylactic again, thanks to Popeil’s new Galactic Prophylactic, the prophylactic guaranteed to last you fifty years! Imagine that! Fiifty years!

[ SUPER: “Lasts Fifty Years” ]

Spokesman: It’s more than a contraceptive, it’s a family heirloom!

[ dissolve to Father handing the prophylactic to his son ]

[ SUPER: “Demonstration” ]

Spokesman V/O: One you can pass down from father to son!

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: How can a prophylactic last for fifty years?! Let’s take a look at Popeil’s exclusive design! [ holds out design ] A layer of rubber! A layer of reinforced steel! And yet another layer of rubber! Isn’t that amazing! and guaranteed for fifty years to not snap, break, or pop! Watch!

[ dissolve to musclemen playing tug-of-war with an unusually stretchy piece of condom ]

Spokesman V/O: These muscle men are stretching the Popeil Galactic Prophylactic a mind-boggling five times its normal length! It will not break! Isn’t that amazing! But, more!

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

[ Spokesman fires gun at an outstretched product ]

Spokesman: It can stop bullets! Isn’t that amazing! But you want more! Before you answer, before — What would you pay for the Galactic Prophylactic?! Before you answer – we will throw in, at no additional charge, the Dura-Fram Disaphragm! The diaphragm that’s guaranteed to last for fifty years, and take a pounding and keep coming back! Here, we’ve got a woman demonstrating!

[ woman bounces on a trampoline made out of a stretched condom ]

Spokesman V/O: We’ve brought this thing a thousand times its normal size! Doesn’t that look like fun! Isn’t that amazing! Doesn’t it look like great fun to you!

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: It can all be yours! The Galactic Prophylactic! The Dura-Fram Diaphragm! Both for only $5.95! These days, it’s hard to stretch money, so why not get rubber that lasts a lifetime?

Announcer: Popeil Galactic Prophylactic. Available at fine hardware and sporting good stores.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

…..Brad Hall
…..Joe Piscopo
Father Andrew B. Titus…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, Saturday Night News, with the Saturday Night News team and anchorman Brad Hall.

[applause]

Brad Hall: Good evening, I’m Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:

An exclusive public opinion survey conducted by TV Guide has determined the most trusted television journalists in America. Here are the winners: #1, Harry Reasoner, #2, David Brinkley, #3, John Chancellor, and #4, [removes his glasses] Brad Hall.

[applause]

Brad Hall: Thank you. I’ve only been on for 20 seconds. I hope I can live up to your confidence, America.

To help the Lebanese establish order in the wake of recent events, President Reagan has sent the Marines back into Lebanon. Among the Marines who went are: Maureen O’Hara, Maureen O’Sullivan, and Oscar winner Maureen Stapleton. The president is still undecided about sending his own daughter, Maureen Reagan. She disagrees with many of her father’s policies.

[picture of Lynn Swann, standing bent over on a football field] Well, it turns out that somebody’s gonna benefit from this football strike after all. Pittsburgh Steeler Lynn Swann is using his free time to search Three Rivers Stadium for a contact lens he lost last season. [applause] Said Swann, “I’ll find it even if I have to go down on all fours and get my knees all scabby.”

Brad Hall: You know, it’s been a great big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe?

[pan to Joe, applause]

Joe Piscopo: Thanks Brad. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. The big story: football! Strike! Players! Owners! Greedy? Selfish? Stupid! [applause]

What the hell is going on? Solution: give both sides what they really want. Management: give them player rep Ed Garvey. In a room. Alone. [punches his fists together] Players, they wanted 55%? This looks like 55% to me! [opens small bag of white powder and pours it on the desk, applause]

Come on, fellas! Stop fooling around and play ball! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. Back to you, Brad.

[more cheers and applause]

Brad Hall: Thank you, Joe. That sounds like one heck of a suggestion.

You know, this is the first time that I’ve ever been on a national television program. I’ve been told there are 20 million people watching this show tonight, which makes this a very powerful position to be in. During the week I was thinking, you know, this show’s a lot of laughs and it’s good fun and everything, and I’m glad to be here. But I’ve been thinking it’d be a waste if I didn’t say something that was important, you know, something I felt strongly about. And that’s why I’ve decided to talk about Mr. James Watt, who is the Secretary of the Interior of the United States of America. Here’s a picture of Mr. Watt on the cover of Time Magazine. [shows magazine cover]

In an article in here he talks about how he’s gonna sell off all the, uh, forest land of the country. He’s selling oil drilling rights to various greedy corporations off the coast of Alaska, in the Santa Barbara Channel, which is where I grew up. Not in the Channel, in Santa Barbara. You know, uh, his whole attitude has gotten me kind of angry, and what we’re gonna do is, uh, call Mr. Watt, right now, at his home in Washington.

[pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] You know, it’s great to work for a network because I got Mr. Watt’s phone number from Tom Brokaw, who’s the fifth most trusted newsman in America. I’ve got it committed to memory. This should be fun.

[dials Mr. Watt’s phone number; ringing sound effect is heard] Hope he’s in.

Woman’s voice: Hello?

Brad Hall: Uh, hello. Is this the residence of Mr. Watt?

Woman’s voice: Yes it is.

Brad Hall: Uh, this is Brad Hall calling from NBC.

Woman’s voice: Well, could you hold a moment, please?

Brad Hall: [covers the phone with his hand and addresses the audience] What do you think we oughta ask him first?

Woman’s voice: Sir?

Brad Hall: Yes?

Woman’s voice: Could Mr. Watt call you tomorrow morning?

Brad Hall: Uh, no, I’m sorry, this is pretty urgent.

Woman’s voice: Well- would you please hold?

Brad Hall: All right. [addresses audience] I should’ve told him I was from Mobil Oil, then he’d come right to the -—

Voice of James Watt: Hello?

Brad Hall: Uh, yes, Mr. Watt. I’m sorry to bother you so late, uh, hope I didn’t wake you. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Um, why are you selling off all of the, uh, the forest land, and granting drilling rights to greedy corporations?

Voice of James Watt: Well, if he’s doing his job right, the Secretary of the Interior should serve this country as a steward. And I don’t take this stewardship lightly. It’s true I have an obligation to preserve and protect the natural resources.

[ SUPER: “voice of / JAMES G. WATT” ]

Brad Hall: Yes–

Voice of James Watt: But, at the same time, I have an obligation to promote intelligent use of those resources.

Brad Hall: Yes, but what I’m trying to—

Voice of James Watt: To me, that usage would include the exploration and development of our—

Brad Hall: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT, LYING MOUTH, YOU PIG! I got 20 million people that hate your guts! You’re a greasy, slimy, scumbag, and—

[more shouting muffled by the cheers and applause; Brad angrily hangs up the phone and places it underneath the desk]

Good. I’m glad we got that out of our system. Let’s go back to the news, shall we?

In an effort to expand the controversial Nobel sperm bank in California, its founder, Robert Graham, has announced the hiring of coast-to-coast representatives to handle the increased demand for high-quality sperm. In addition to the distinguished scientists and Nobel prize winners, the sperm bank will broaden its donor pool to include winners of the Heisman trophy, the Indy 500, and the Belmont Stakes.

[photo of Prime minister Margaret Thatcher standing next to a sumo wrestler] Prime minister Margaret Thatcher this week welcomed home Britain’s Prime minister Prime- uh, Prince Andrew from his long tour of the Falkland Islands. That’s Prince Andrew right there. Andrew, a Royal Navy helicopter pilot, said he really liked that Navy chow, but he’ll probably request it transferred to the Royal Balloon Corps.

Sources close to the White House said that the only person in the administration who still supports labor secretary Raymond Donovan is President Reagan himself. The reason for this is because the President is moved by two overpowering emotions: the love of friends, and the love of not being afraid to start your car in the morning. [applause]

Brad Hall: Here now with a book review is our guest critic, Father Andrew B. Titus. Father?

[shot widens to include Father Titus; applause]

Father Andrew B. Titus: Uh, uh, thank you Brad. Uh, you’re one of the new kids, right?

Brad Hall: That’s right, father.

Father Andrew B. Titus: Brad, uh, that’s a Catholic name, right?

Brad Hall: No, Father.

[A suddenly grumpy Father Titus addresses the camera]

Father Andrew B. Titus: They sent me this book to review, “The Reader’s Digest Bible.” An autographed copy. [opens the book] “To Father Titus, from You Know Who.” Cute.

This is no longer the Word According to God, it’s the Word According to Some Clown from Reader’s Digest. This is a travesty! They cut 50% out of the Old Testament, 25% out of the New Testament. So I s’pose the Ten Commandments are cut down to seven! [slams book on the table] And the Three Wise Men are replaced by one reasonably intelligent jeweler. The Holy Trinity is now two guys and a voiceover, the Almighty is now just Pretty Good, and Jesus is only five foot two!

This is ridiculous. There is no shortcut to salvation. When Jesus spoke to the masses, you think the masses said, “Keep it short?” God does not need an editor, and we do not need “God’s Greatest Hits” or “The Best of Jesus.”

What’s next? Maybe Life magazine’ll bring out a picture version. “Life Goes to the Bible.” Perhaps there’ll be a pop-up Bible. Maybe People magazine’ll bring out their version. “What’s new in Bethlehem?” “People picks the ten worst dressed people in the Bible.” “Is there any truth behind those rumors about David and Bathsheba?” “Mary Magdalene tells how her new man changed her life.”

I ask you: is nothing sacred? Why don’t we [motioning with his hand] take two steps out of the Sign if the Cross and call it the Sign if the Stick? Reader’s Digest Condensed Bible, you don’t condense- you condense milk, not the Bible! This book is poorly written, it’s underqualified, it’s incomplete, and—and that’s why I didn’t read it.

Back to you, Brad. [applause]

Brad Hall: Thank you, Father. God bless you.

Bad news for Richard Dawson: In Iran, the Ayatollah Khomeini has announced that kissing for sexual pleasure is against the law. It will be punishable by whipping. As of yet, there has been no ruling on what the punishment is for whipping for sexual pleasure.

Along with other world leaders, Ronald Reagan has denounced the massacre in Lebanon, and he’s announced that he will send an investigative team to make a full report. In keeping with his policy of utilizing qualified experts and specialists, the President has appointed Lieutenant William Calley to head the investigative team.

[photo of Vice President George Bush with his two hands held close together in front of him] “I remember the first time I touched a woman’s breasts.” That’s what Vice President Bush reminisced as he spoke before a meeting of 3000 Episcopal ministers last week. “It was truly a religious experience.”

Brad Hall: In Beirut, Lebanon, the situation is still critical, as a struggling populus attempts to regain a semblance of order. Our Saturday Night News correspondent Chevy Chase is on the scene now.

[Chevy Chase is shown on the screen behind Brad, standing in front of a red background]

Come in, Chevy. What can you tell us from where you are, Chev?

Chevy Chase: Thank you Brad. And, uh, congratulations on the survey, incidentally. [chuckles]

Brad Hall: Oh, thanks very much. I’m sorry you weren’t on it, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: I beg your pardon?

Brad Hall: I’m sorry you weren’t on it. Some people still remember you.

Chevy Chase: So are you.

[looking around] Uh, as you can see, Brad, uh, things are pretty docile here. Uh, they look, uh, almost pastoral. Uh, the atmosphere here is a quiet one, as the sun either comes up or goes down. It’s kind of hard to tell in this part of, uh, the area. Uh, the way I see it, uh, all fighting is at a lull, I see no soldiers in the street, I’ve seen as of yet no policing and no curfew call. Uh, things appear to be pretty much at a standstill here Brad.

Brad Hall: Chevy, uh, from what we’ve seen of Beirut, that doesn’t exactly look like it. Uh, are you sure you’re in the city? Are you in the western sector?

Chevy Chase: Oh yes, uh, Brad, I must tell you that, uh, I’ve been all through this city and, uh, at this time as we speak, I am in the, uh, western sector.

[as he walks around it becomes clear that he is standing in the set of The Tonight Show; Johnny Carson’s desk is seen behind him]

Brad Hall: Of what city, Chevy?

Chevy Chase: [pauses] Of what city? Uh, Of Bur-bank. Uh—no, no, you see, Brad, I missed that plane in New York as you know, and, uh, it would have gone on to Beirut, but—

Brad Hall: I see. Uh, Chevy, are you not in fact, uh, standing on the Tonight Show set right now?

Chevy Chase: Uh, I couldn’t quite hear you, Brad. Could you repeat yourselves?

Brad Hall: Chevy, it looks to me like you’re standing right on the Tonight Show set.

Chevy Chase: Yes that’s true, Brad, and a good question it is. Uh, I am on the Tonight Show set—

Brad Hall: Ah.

Chevy Chase: And as you can see, uh, we, uh, [points to his left] we’re over by the bandstand there, and this is of course, [points to his right] uh, Johnny’s, uh…. Back to you, Brad!

Brad Hall: Thank you Chevy. Thank you for that fascinating report from Bur-bank.

[applause]

Well, that’s all the news for tonight. For SNL News, I’m Brad Hall. Good night.

[more applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen! Chevy Chase!

[ audience cheers for Chevy, who still appears on the broken TV set at the foot of the stage ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you. [ aside ] Help me out. It’s going to be great fun working with these kids. I’m very happy, and I’ll be back as soon as I get myself together. [ aside ] Kid, don’t put the — Thank you. [ waves to the audience ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

John Hinckley For President

John Hinckley…..Brad Hall

[open on John Hinckley holding a pillow and sitting against a white stucco wall]

John Hinckley: You know, it’s a crazy world out there. Most Americans are finding it hard just to make sense of it all. In this time of shattered morals, it’s inspirational to see that we can still look up with great pride to that great beacon of the American way: justice for all. Even for a lunatic like me. My name is John Hinckley. [stands and his setting is revealed to be a room in an asylum] On March 30, 1981, I shot the President of the United States and three other people in order to impress a girl. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do, but I’m completely crazy. I’m insane, and I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Sending a John Hinckley like myself to an institution instead of some wretched prison is the American way. This reaffirmation of the American dream proves that our system works. But only a wacko can see how it works. I am that wacko, and to prove it I am today officially entering the race for the presidency of the United States of America. I winged Reagan in the streets. I’m gonna knock him dead in the polls. And then, my girlfriend Jodie can assume her rightful place as First Lady of this great and powerful nation. I want to be president for Jodie because I’m in love and I’m crazy. Crazy about the United States. Crazy about my girlfriend, Jodie. Crazy about the prsidency. And crazy about you, the American people. You don’t have to wonder what kind of president I’m gonna be. My record speaks for itself. I’ll do anything for love. [bursts into song] Won’t forget / Can’t regret / What I’ll do for love!

[image of John Hinckley becomes smaller and is surrounded by a blue border that is widest on the bottom and on which part appears the title: “John Hinckley for President”]

Voice Over: John Hinckley for President, paid for by people who have their cake and eat it too.

Submited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Tyrone Green

Felice Sloan-Duchamps…..Robin Duke
Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy
Man #1…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Mary Gross
Man #2…..Gary Kroeger

[open on a fancy gallery setting with a buffet table and many upper-class society types]

Felice: Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. Please, if I could have your attention. As you know, every fall we here at the Felice Sloan-Duchamps Gallery take pride in debuting the creme de la creme of the New York arts scene. At that is why it is today that with great joy I introduce to you that Harlem Renaissance man, the artistic mouthpiece of the black community, artist, poet, and felon, author of the famed “Kill My Landlord,” Tyrone Green!

[applause from the crowd as Tryone enters]

Tyrone: Thank you Felice whatever your damn name is. I’m-a let you bougie white people know something. I’m in here speaking to y’all, but I don’t like being here talking to you bougie white trash.

Man #1: He speaks with such candor.

Woman: Brutally direct.

Tyrone: I’d rather be at home on my houseboat on the Harlem River, secluded from the people, creating my art.

Felice: Oh, well, Tryone, why don’t we just go around here piece by piece, and you can describe some of your work?

Tyrone: Okay, bitch.

[they walk to a black canvas with images of a radio, sneakers, and a bag of Fritos]

Tyrone: I call this one, “Rodney Johnson’s Bad Luck.”

Man #2: Mr. Green, what does this represent.

Tyrone: You wanna buy this painting, man?

Man #1: [turns to Man #2] Well, yes, we were considering it for our study.

Tyrone: What does it represent? It represents that Tyrone Green no longer has his radio, and his sneakers and his Fritos is gone.

Woman: Well, what exactly was Mr. Johnson’s bad luck?

Tyrone: He fell asleep on my couch when I was in a bad mood.

Man #2: What a concept!

Felice: [beckons everybody over to a green canvas with images of a whstle, badge, and hat] Now, Tyrone, I believe that this piece is entitled, “Sleeping Security Guard at the A&P.” Now, can you tell us a little bit about it?

Tyrone: It’s just that. A security guard fell asleep at the A&P, so he no longer has his whistle, and his badge and his hat is gone. The situation is also as such.

Man #1: Brilliant, that is art!

Man #2: The man is clearly a genius. Why, this is the greatest work since Warhol. It really is.

Felice: [escorts Tyrone and the rest of the group towards a blue canvas with images of a jacket, glasses, and a briefcase] Now, Tryone, tell us what was your inspiration for this?

Tyrone: This is my favorite one. I call it “Smart-Ass White Boy Blue.” I got the inspiration when I was coming home from work the other day, and I saw this smart-ass white by. I thought I’d bring him down. So his situation is also as such, as you can see.

Felice: [brings the group back to the table] Well, everbody, now we’d like to open the floor to some questions.

Woman: Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world?

Tyrone: No, I hate Puerto Ricans.

Man #1: Mr. Green, you’re obviously such a Renaissance man. You paint, you write poetry. What’s next for you?

Tyrone: Windsurfing. And I’m currently writing a screenplay.

[the crowd applauds appreciatively]

Woman: How did you get interested in conceptual art?

Tyrone: I was living with a white woman, much like yourself, and her husband died. He had many paintbrushes and sets of glue about the house.

Man #1: Tyrone, now everyone here knows that you’re most famous for writing “Kill My Landlord.” Do you suppose that you could recite that for us?

Tyrone: No! Shut up! I will recite my latest poem that I wrote about you bougie white trash scum. It’s called “I Hate White People” by Tyrone Green.

I hate the sunlight and I hate the night.
I hate white people because they is white.
Their hair is wavy, their lips is thin,
But worse than white women, I hate white men.
Walking around with briefcase and money,
Bust they head open, my ain’t that funny?
Not out of anger and not out of spite.
I just hate whitey because they is white.
W-I-T-E people.0

[attendees applaud and ask for autographs]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase

[ the cast is crowded around Chevy’s image on the television ]

Chevy Chase: Good night, Mom. Good night, Janie. Good night, Dad and Ed. Goodbye, everybody. Thank you very much. The cast is great. Enjoy.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Live From Burbank

…..Chevy Chase

[ open on image of Chevy Chase talking over the phone, spiffily-dressed in front of a dark red background ]

Chevy Chase: No, no, no.. if the beads are too large, it’s gonna hurt. The way to string them, you see — [ looks up, notices he’s on-camera ] I have to go, honey. [ hangs up, smiles enthusiastically at the camera ] I’m sorry! Hello! I’m Chevy Chase. [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. You all may have, uh.. [ audience continues to cheer ] Thank you.. no, no, no.

You may remember me from the first “Saturday Night Live” – when that was on the air – and, uh.. or, perhaps, from my movies, or novels.. I was so.. moved.. and honored.. when they asked me to host this season’s, uh.. very first show. I don’t know what to say, I’m almost in tears! But I was, uh, somewhat surprised to find that the show is still, uh.. well.. still done live in New York City. I’m happy. It’s my town, and my people. And we’re still giving great comedy in the Big Apple, great comedy in the Big Apple right to the little fruits there in Hollywood. Huh! [ smiles and laughs extendedly ]

Secondly. I must say I was surprised and shocked by the inefficiency of the, uh, Los Angeles Airport. Let me explain this. I had a twelve o’clock flight out to New York – I won’t mention the airline, but it’s, uh.. the friendly one, but.. There I was, precisely at noon – you can trust this watch here. And I was on that ramp, staring into the window of a 747 doorway that was moving slowly back – they would not stop for me. Obviously, noon to them is, you know, 11:58. And that was a surprise to me, too.

[ camera has panned out to reveal that Chevy has been addressing to the audience via satellite from a 19-inch TV propped up on a high stand on casters ]

Which brings me, of course, to the third surprise – for all of us, I think. I’m not in New York. I’m in Burbank. But I am “Saturday Night Live”‘s first bi-coastal video host. [ audience cheers wildly for him ] Um.. and I’m proud to be a part of this hallmark event in the history of electronic entertainment. Just think – right now, my presence is being beamed live, via satellite, to you and right into your face. Just think – it’s only 8:30 my time, 11:30 your time; so I can.. still get to bed by 11:30, and up in the morning for tennis. Even though I can’t actually be in New York, you’re still getting to see my image, and you’re going to hear my voice, and.. touch my thigh. Consider yourselves lucky, and consider me lucky. I feel lucky tonight, and I feel happy.

When you think about it, the technology here is really incredible. They tell me I can even be in sketches, and I hope so. So, guys, why don’t you roll me over to the first sketch, what do you say?

[ a stangehand grabs the stand and attempts to wheel it across the stage, but accidentally tips it over, dropping the TV off the stage ]

[ cut to the broken TV lying on the ground, the screen intact with Chevy laying across the floor in Burbank ]

Chevy Chase: “Live, from Burbank and New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts