Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base wearing a tuxedo suit and shirt with a bow tie. Nigel Olsson’s band can be seen behind him.]

Johnny Cash: [smiling] And now it’s my pleasure to introduce our special musical guest: Elton John!!

[Cash gestures smoothly to his right toward Elton at the piano as the crowd cheers wildly. Elton is bedecked in a subtle neon blue jacket with a dark pink shirt underneath, and a black gaucho hat on his head. Johnny Cash bows formally to him, and Elton starts into “Empty Garden” alone on vocals and piano.]

Elton John: [ singing]
“What happened here,
As the New York sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden
Among the flagstones there.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now it all looks strange.
It’s funny how one insect
Can damage so much grain.

And what’s it for,
This little empty garden
By the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk,
Nothing grows no more.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And they are so amazed.
We’re crippled and we’re dazed.
A gardener like that one,
No one can replace.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And through their tears,
Some say he farmed his best in younger years,
But he’d have said that roots grow stronger
If only he could hear.

Who lived there?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now we pray for rain.
And with every drop that falls,
We hear, we hear your name.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out,
Can’t you come out to play?

Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?”

[Elton and the Nigel Olsson band repeat the ending several times, then play an instrumental for several bars. Finally they quiet to just vocals and Elton on piano.]

In your empty garden?
“Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?””

[Wild applause from the audience once the song is finished. Elton gives his overbite grin and mouths “Thank you” over the cheers. One audience member is heard repeatedly yelling, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” through the applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Frankie’s Last Wish

Guard…..Joe Piscopo
Other Inmate…..Andy Murphy
Frankie…..Eddie Murphy
Priest…..Tim Kazurinsky
Warden…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Johnny Cash

[FADE IN on a gray steel door labeled, “DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE.” Shrill, sad harmonica music is playing. PAN across a small jail block and a blue-shirted guard sitting at a desk and reading the paper. PAN farther to another inmate playing the harmonica out through his cell bars. PAN finally to an inmate wearing a striped uniform in the next cell. A priest sits next to him on his cot.]

Priest: [in an Irish brogue] I believe it’s almost time, Frankie.

Frankie: But I don’t wanna die, Father.

Priest: I know, my son. [pause] Is there anything I can… I can read that can be of comfort to ye?

Frankie: Yeah, how ’bout the entire Old Testament?

[Audience laughs as the priest opens his Bible to the first page of Genesis and the sad harmonica song keeps playing.]

Priest: “In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. The Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.”

[The guard stands up from his desk and walks over to unlock Frankie’s cell.]

Priest: “And the Spirit of God–”

Guard: All right! Time to go!

Frankie: [getting up] Hey, wait a second, man, your watch must be wrong, I got a whole hour and a half left to go.

Guard: All right, Frankie, c’mon, let’s go, let’s do it.

Frankie: No, serious, it’s Daylight Savings Time, man, you didn’t turn your watch back?

Guard: C’mon–

Frankie: What did I say–

Guard: Just come on, okay?

Priest: [off camera] Be brave, my son. I am with you.

Frankie: No, but–

[When the guard pulls Frankie out of his cell, Frankie suddenly looks down at the floor.]

Frankie: Wait! My contact lens! My contact lens fall out! My lens!

Guard: Well, where were you when you put it in?

Frankie: [bends over and eyeballs the floor] I don’t know! It’s around here somewhere!

Guard: WAIT a minute! [yanks him up] Why, you, you don’t even WEAR contact lenses. [nudges him over] C’mon, quit stallin’.

Frankie: Wait a second. I get a last meal. I get a last–

[ENTER the warden at Frankie’s right.]

Warden: You HAD your last meal.

Frankie: [thinks] Well, the last request! I get a last request! I have a last request. I know my rights.

Warden: All right, the law’s the law, you get a last request. This better not be one of your tricks.

Frankie: [stalling] My last request is to have… Johnny Cash come sing for me before I die… Sir!

Guard: Johnny Cash.

Frankie: Yeah.

Priest: Be reasonable, son. He’s a busy man. He must be thousands of miles away.

Frankie: Well, I’m sorry, that’s my last request.

Warden: Well, as it happens, this is your lucky day, because I happen to have Johnny Cash in my office.

[laughter]

Frankie: [looks at the warden dubiously] Yeah, and I got Elvis in my livin’ room. Listen, man, I want THE Johnny Cash to come sing to me in person, all right?

[The warden nods and walks over to the opposite door while the guard hustles Frankie to the side.]

Warden: [calling into hallway] Mr. Cash?

Johnny Cash: [off camera] Yes.

[Johnny Cash saunters in, with a white shirt underneath his black suit, his guitar slung over his back.]

Johnny Cash: Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. I feel very privileged to be here at this special farewell concert.

[laughter and applause]

Johnny Cash: [to Frankie] What did you do?

Frankie: I took a stroll on the governor’s front lawn.

Guard: And the signs are clearly marked, “Keep off the grass.”

Johnny Cash: You’re condemnin’ this man to death for trespassing?

Guard: Oh, it is a beautiful lawn.

Johnny Cash: Well, what can I sing for ya?

Frankie: How ’bout “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall”? [laughter] The original, uncut version.

Warden: Wait a second, wait a second. What’s he talking about?

Johnny Cash: Warden, y’know, it does seem to me that a condemned man… is–should be allowed to hear a song that he loves in its entirety, before going to eternity. And the original, uncut version of “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall” is “Ninety-Nine Thousand, Nine Hundred and Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

[Johnny Cash pulls out his guitar and starts strumming. The warden groans and covers his eyes with his hand, while the guard makes a disgusted face.]

Johnny Cash: Ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,
Ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,
One of those bottles should happen to fall,
There’s ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

[ZOOM in on the wall clock above the far door. The hands start spinning around in fast-motion from a quarter to six on past twelve-thirty, and go out of focus. FADE to the guard dozing on his own shoulder. Frankie is grinning and dancing in place.]

Johnny Cash: Seventy-seven thousand, six hundred and twenty-three bottles of beer on the wall,
There’s seventy-seven thousand, six hundred and twenty-three bottles of beer on the wall,
If one of those bottles should happen to fall–

[PAN over to Frankie’s old cell, where the warden leans wearily on the bars and the priest is closely studying his Bible.]

Other Inmate: [in neighboring cell] This is cruel and unusual punishment! Take me first!!

[FADE back to a fuzzy shot of the wall clock as the hands spin around. They finally stop at ten to eight. ZOOM out to show Johnny Cash still playing, while Frankie continues to boogie in place. The guard is sound asleep on his desk.]

Johnny Cash: Two bottles of beer left on the wall,
There’s just two more bottles of beer on the wall,
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
There’s just one more bottle of beer on the wall.

[PAN over to show the priest leaning against the cell bars and having a burger and a milkshake. The warden and the other inmate are playing cards through the bars inside.]

Johnny Cash: There’s one bottle of beer on the wall,
There’s just one bottle of beer on the wall,
If that one bottle should happen to fall…
There’s no more bottles of beer… on the wallllllll.

Frankie: [clapping] You were GREAT, man! That stuff was GREAT!

[Frankie and Johnny give each other five as the guard snaps awake. Rubbing his eyes, the guard slowly moves to take Frankie’s arm.]

Frankie: That was GREAT, man! Y’know, you’re some man! That was somethin’… ONE MORE TIME!!!

[laughter and applause]

Priest: YOU’VE HAD YOUR LAST REQUEST! Get MOVING!!!

[The guard starts pulling Frankie into the execution room.]

Frankie: Wait a second! I seem to remember there be some more verses to that! There’s some more to it!

[phone rings]

Frankie: [to guard] That’s the warden! I mean, that’s the governor!

Guard: You’re dreamin’, pal.

Frankie: That’s the GOVERNOR, man!!

Guard: You’re dreamin’.

Frankie: Yes, it is!

[The warden steps over to answer the phone.]

Warden: Hello? [pause] It IS the governor.

Frankie: [gasps in hope] Huh!

Warden: Hello. [pause] Yes, he’s here.

[Frankie grins confidently and reaches for the receiver.]

Warden: It’s for you, Mr. Cash.

[Frankie keeps his hand outstretched, but the guard drags him into the execution room. The priest follows them inside while the warden hands the phone over to Cash.]

Johnny Cash: Hello? Oh, hello, yes, hello, Governor.

[A door slams loudly shut.]

Johnny Cash: Well, thank you, Governor. Oh, yes, we’d love to come next week to… to dinner. Uh, sure, I’ll bring June and the kids, yes.

[Frying sounds are suddenly heard, and the lights flicker.]

Johnny Cash: [shouts into phone] What?! Pardon me, you’ll have to speak a little louder, Governor, there’s a little interference on the line! [pause] What? A barbeque? On your front lawn, you’re settin’ up tents?

[More frying sounds are heard as the lights flicker again and Johnny strains to hear the Governor. FADE to a slide of an album cover with a vinyl record poking out as harmonica music rises.]

Announcer: Look for “Johnny Cash Live on Death Row,” coming soon to record shops near you.

[Johnny’s grim face fills the cover. A caption in the lower right corner reads, “FEATURING THE HIT: 9,999 BOTTLES OF BEER.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

The Honeyrooneys

Andy Rooney as Ralph Kramden…..Joe Piscopo
Alice Kramden…..Christine Ebersole
Ed Norton…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on the familiar city skyline and fireworks drawing of “The Honeymooners” as big band music plays. PAN to a moon with “Art Carney” printed in the center.]

Announcer: Art Carney!

[PAN to another moon labeled “Audrey Meadows.”]

Announcer: Audrey Meadows!

[PAN up to a third moon.]

Announcer: Andy Rooney!

[PAN right to a final moon with “The Honeyrooneys” printed inside.]

Announcer: In “The Honeyrooneys”!!!

[FADE to a set of the Kramden kitchen in black-and-white. Ralph walks in wearing his bus driver uniform and sets his hat and lunchpail on the bureau. With his belly bulging, he swaggers toward the little table and nods.]

Ralph: [in Andy Rooney’s whine] Honey? I’m hoo-oome!!

[ENTER Alice over applause.]

Alice: [with her hands on her hips] Hi, Ralph, you’d bettah wash up, my mothah’s coming over for dinnah.

Ralph: I’ve got news for ya, Alice! I’m going out tonight! I am NOT eating with that old BAG!

Alice: Ralph, she’s my mothah, and you’re staying home tonight.

Ralph: Har, har, HA-AAARRRDY har, har!!

Alice: Ralph.

Ralph: Alice, did ya ever notice that your mother is a blabbermouth?! Have you ever noticed that, Alice? I have noticed that!! SHE is a BLAAAA-BER-MOUTH!

Alice: Blabber is better than blubber.

[CUT to a closeup of Ralph.]

Ralph: Did ya ever wanna send your wife to the moon? [laughter] BANG, zoom!

Alice: Ralph, give me one good reason why you can’t stay home tonight.

Ralph: Me and my pal Norton are going bowling! [walks to window and sticks his head out] Hey, NORTON?! Norton, come on down here!

[Ralph sticks his hand in the window and shakes a curtain with apartment windows printed on it.]

Ralph: [to camera] Y’ever notice how phony these buildings look? [laughter and applause]

[Knocking is heard at the door.]

Ralph: And how quickly Norton comes downstairs?!

[ENTER Norton in his usual vest and hat.]

Norton: Hey, there, Ralphie-boy, whaddya say, ol’ pal o’ mine, eh?

[cheers and applause]

Norton: How ya doin’, Alice? Uh, Ralph, I’m a bit on the hungry side, ya mind if I take a bite out o’ the refrigerator?

Ralph: Help yourself, old bowling pal of mine!

Norton: Thank you, pal o’ mine!

[He opens up the icebox and rummages around.]

Ralph: Uh, Norton, you might wanna hurry up, ’cause we don’t wanna be late.

[Norton takes out a big plate of chicken and eagerly sets it on the table.]

Norton: [sitting down] Oh, boy.

[For several seconds, he deliberately flicks his wrists and shakes his arms getting ready to eat.]

Ralph: Didja ever notice how LONG it takes Norton to do one simple THING?! [knocks him off the chair] WILL you cut it OUT?!!

Norton: Sheesh! What a grouch. Ey, ey, ey, Ralph, I can’t, I can’t go bowlin’ tonight, Trixie’s mother’s comin over, we gotta have dinner with us.

Ralph: Y’mean you LIKE your mother-in-law, Norton?

Norton: Like? [stands up] Well, let me tell ya somethin’. When I first got my job in the sewer, Trixie’s mother gave me my first pair o’ hip boots. My first pair. They were her only pair and she gave ’em to me, Ralph. [chokes up] I tell ya, ya gotta be a real creep not to like your mother-in-law.

[Norton sadly takes a bite out of a chicken leg, sobs once, then whirls around and runs out of the apartment.]

Alice: What do you have to say for yourself, Ralph?

Ralph: Humina-humina-humina-humina-humina…

Alice: Look, Ralph, if it’s that important for you to go bowling, go. I understand.

[CUT to a closeup of Ralph bouncing in place.]

Ralph: Did’ya ever notice how foolish I look at the end of these shows? Course, I guess I deserve it, the way I constantly abuse my wife and best friend. Now, I can end this whole thing by saying, “I got a BIG MOUTH…” Or I can make a pathetic face, but this time, I think I’ll just say: “Baby, didja ever notice you’re the greatest?”

[Ralph dips Alice in their classic “stage kiss” as the theme music rises. They hold for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Black Talk

Host…..Eddie Murphy
Guest…..Clint Smith

(Title card)

Announcer: Time once again for “Black Talk”.

(cut to two black people having a conversation)

Host: I went down to Con Edison and I said “Hey, what’s goin’ on? I paid my bill.” Right? And she said to me “What you talking about? If you paid your bill, you wouldn’t have a problem.” Right? So I said “Hey yo bitch! I paid my bill and my lights is out. Right? What’s happening? My lights are my problem and I paid the damn bill.” You know? Then she said “Look I understand.” I said “Listen here, I’m going to come back tommorrow right and if my lights ain’t on tommorrow, I’m going to have to kick some butt down at Con Edison!”

Guest: Maybe that’s what they need.

Host: Yeah you know. You know what happened yesterday? C.J. came by my house, right? You know what happened when C.J. came by my house yesterday? I’m going to tell you…

(Title appears)

Announcer: Be sure to tune in next week for more of “Black Talk”.

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameo:

Bit Players:


April 17th, 1982

Johnny Cash

Elton John

None

None

Akira Yoshimura

Clint Smith
The Train of Life

Montage

The HoneyrooneysSummary: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) points out the idiosyncrasies of “The Honeymooners” while starring in an episode.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

Elton John performs “Empty Garden”Transcript

Frankie’s Last RequestSummary: Death row inmate Frankie (Eddie Murphy) makes a last request to hear Johnny Cash sing “99,999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Christine EbersoleRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Johnny Cash performs “I Walk The Line”, “Folsom Prison Blues” & “Ring of Fire”

Hail to the ChiefSummary: Bored after returning from his vacation in Barbados, President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) amuses himself by directing Margaret Thatcher (Mary Gross) and Leopoldo Galtieri (Brian Doyle-Murray) to kiss and make out.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese, Margaret Thatcher.

Transcript

Jay Clay Gets DepressedSummary: A clay figurine contemplates suicide in a Timothy Hittle claymation film.

Tegrim ShampooSummary: Kathy’s (Robin Duke) roommate (Christine Ebersole) shows her how to use Johnny Cash’s dark clothing to detect her problem dandruff.

Transcript

Elton John performs “Ball & Chain”Transcript

The Train PoetSummary: While riding a train, a Poet (Johnny Cash) recides an ode to the romance of the rails.

Transcript

Black TalkSummary: Two black men (Eddie Murphy, Clint Smith) ramble to one another.

Transcript

Johnny Cash performs “Sunday Morning Coming Down”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 16

81p: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar

Reagan Brand Economics

President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Harry…..Tony Rosato
Wife…..Christine Ebersole

FADE IN:

[ INT. KITCHEN – MORNING ]

[ A WIFE serves three children gumbo from a pot. She turns to her husbandHARRY whose sitting at the table. ]

Wife: More rat-tail gumbo, darling?

Harry: Oh come on!! This slop again!?!? When can we have some real food!?

[ Wife sits down. ]

Wife: Harry, you haven’t had a job in six months!

Harry: I can’t take this anymore! Everything we worked for has been wiped out!!

[ PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN turns around from kitchen counter. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hey Harry! Why so tense?

[ President Reagan takes a seat. ]

Harry: Oh… Hi President Reagan.

President Ronald Reagan: Relax.

Harry: I don’t know. I guess it’s this economy. My banker tells me the highinterest rates and tight money are killing me.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, why not try Reagan Brand Economics?

Harry: I only try real economic programs.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Reagan Brand Economics is real economics. 100%supply-side economics, but with no human compassion whatsoever.

[ President Reagan pulls out an information packet from his jacket and hands it to Harry. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Here. Try some.

Harry: Hey! Wow! This trickle-down theory is really something! Cuts out alot the waste. Doesn’t it?

President Ronald Reagan: Sure! Give it time.

[ TITLE CARD: THREE MONTHS LATER ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – MORNING ]

[ Harry’s wife is serving President Reagan some gumbo. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Enough rat-tail gumbo for me?

Harry & Wife: I’ll say!

Harry: Thanks to Reagan Brand Economics, two of our children are dead andwe sold the other one.

[ President Reagan laughs it up. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Reagan Brand Economics from Washington — where the D.C.stands for “Don’t Care”!

[ TITLE CARD: REAGAN BRAND ECONOMICS ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 16

81p: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar

Career Corner

Burt Wedermeyer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Tooth Fairy…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on NBC promo slide ]

Announcer: Coming Thursday night at 9:00: “The Buckwheat Story” — a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. O-tay!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to talk show set ]

Burt Wedermeyer: Good evening. Welcome to “Career Corner”. I’m your host, Burt Wedermeyer. My guest tonight is a man who has touched all our lives. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Tooth Fairy!

[ pan out to reveal the Tooth Fairy seated next to Bert ]

You’ve been around, uh, as long as I can remember, Mr. Fairy. How long have you held your present job?

Tooth Fairy: Uhhh — forever, I’ve been doing it. Basically, forever.

Burt Wedermeyer: And, now you’re about to change careers. Why?

Tooth Fairy: Uh, well — see, for every tooth I pick up, right? — I got to leave a dime under the pillow. Okay? Now, then I got to take the tooth up to God, he gives me twelve cents. Okay? Now, when you subtract the dime I done put out my pocket already, that leaves me to clearing two cents. Now, I don’t know where you come from, but two cents ain’t a lot of money in MY neighborhood, you know?

Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, no, no, it’s not.

Tooth Fairy: Yeah, but sometimes, too, I be getting ripped off by little kids putting, like, Tic-Tacs udnerneath their pillow, right? And in the dark, you can’t tell the difference — I think they’re teeth, right? So I take it up to God, right? You know how it feels to give God a bag full of Tic-Tacs? I almost got fired once, ’cause he thought I was trying to tell him his breath stinks!

Burt Wedermeyer: Well, actually, that’s a revelation. I never thought of your job as being dangerous.

Tooth Fairy: Dangerous? Hey, most people — normal people — panic when they walk in their kid’s room and see a big Black guy standing there in a tutu, alright? With a big bag of dimes over their shoulder. I have been shot 6 times, I got bit by 37 doberman pinschers, and I had my behind kicked so many times I don’t even want to TALK about it!

Burt Wedermeyer: Aw, now come on, Mr. Fairy! You must get some sort of gratification from your work?

Tooth Fairy: No.

Burt Wedermeyer: Well… come on! Everybody loves the Tooth Fairy!

Tooth Fairy: No, they DON’T, man! I don’t get no letters, no Thank You, no NOTHING, alright? And I’m a FAIRY, dammit! I have feelings, too!

Burt Wedermeyer: Okay — well, what if you had your own special day?

Tooth Fairy: What you mean?

Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, you know — a day set aside just for you. You know, your own holiday.

Tooth Fairy: Oh, you mean like TOOTH Day?

Burt Wedermeyer: Yeah!

Tooth Fairy: Wow! Tooth Day! Everybody could wrap uo their teeth in little cellophane paper, you know, an put it under a tree! Right? And I could come down the chimney, and they leave me milk and cookies —

Burt Wedermeyer: Hold on — that sounds an awful lot like Christmas!

Tooth Fairy: Yeah, we could have TWO Christmases, then!

Burt Wedermeyer: No, I don’t think so.

Tooth Fairy: Why not? One for me, and one for him.

Burt Wedermeyer: No, no — I-I’m sorry —

Tooth Fairy: I do a better job than Santa Claus, man —

Burt Wedermeyer: No, no, I’m sorry, I — [ to the camera ] I’m afraid our time is up.

Tooth Fairy: It’s because he’s WHITE, right? That’s what it is.

Burt Wedermeyer: Good night, everybody! [ to the Tooth Fairy ] Ity’s not because he’s White.

Tooth Fairy: In fact, I could get some reindeer, too. How much some reindeer costs?

Burt Wedermeyer: Forget the reindeer, okay?

Tooth Fairy: Hey, listen — y’all better do something quick, ’cause Santa Claus is old and fat! He’ll probably have a heart attack soon.

Burt Wedermeyer: That’s terrible!

Tooth Fairy: It’s not terrible.

Burt Wedermeyer: Stop that!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 10th, 1982

Daniel J. Travanti

John Cougar

None

Neil Levy

Andy Murphy

Susan St. James

Dave Wilson

Akira Yoshimura

Bruce Weitz
Cooking With Marcello

Montage

Daniel J. Travanti’s Monologue

Whiners AnniversaryRecurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Everybody Does MermanRecurring Characters: Rod Serling.

Larry the Lobster: Voting So Far

John Cougar performs “Hurts So Good”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Hill Street Blues

Larry the Lobster: Larry’s Story

Bavarian Butterfly DanceSummary: In a film by Josef Sedelmaier, a dance troupe performs the Bavarian Butterfly Dance.

Career CornerSummary: Burt Wedermeyer (Tim Kazurinsky) interviews the Tooth Fairy (Eddie Murphy), who’s fed up with his career and is ready for a change.

Transcript

Larry the Lobster: If Larry Lives

Reagan Brand EconomicsSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) sells a poor couple (Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole) on his economics program that’s served with no human compassion whatsoever.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

John Cougar performs “Ain’t Even Done With The Night”

Larry the Lobster: The Final Vote

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Pirates” (So Long Lonely Avenue)

…..Blythe Danner
…..Rickie Lee Jones

Blythe Danner: And now, it’s my pleasure to introduce tonight’s musical guest – Rickie Lee Jones!

Rickie Lee Jones:
“Hey!
Come on, Joey, get out of school
We got places to go
A ’57 Lincoln, it’s got a radio, it hurts
And the girls like to touch it
Just to find out if it works
But don’t look at me
It wasn’t me.

Joey, lives on the edge of the corner
Of living on the run
I like to ride in the middle
I’m just trying to have some fun
Until the pirates come
And take me!

I won’t need no pilot
Got a pirate who might sail
Somewhere I heard far away
He answers me
So I’m holding on
To your rainbow sleeves.

Well, goodbye, boys
Oh, my buddy boys
Oh my sad-eyed Sinatras.
It’s a cold globe around the sea
You keep the shirt that I bought ya
And I know you’ll get the chance to make it, yeah
And nothing’s gonna stop you
You just reach right out and take it
You say, “So long, lonely avenue
Well, so long lonely avenue.”

I’ll see you there
Wait and see
Be looking for me
Just like you
Just like me.”

For you, Chuck E.

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

Help Blythe Danner

…..Blythe Danner
Costume Designer…..Robin Duke

[ open on interior, Blythe Danner’s dressing room. She looks up to notice the camera on her ]

Blythe Danner: Oh, hello! I’m Blythe Danner, and I’m here to speak to you for a moment about a problem that affects thousands of serious actors and actresses like myself. Every year, as government funding for the arts is cut back, hundreds of legitimate actors are forced to appear on comedy programs like this one. Oh, there are those of us who go willingly, but most of us are subjected to this agony and humiliation against our will. Sure, I-I appear to be enjoying myself, but that’s because I’m an actress. [ dramatically ] And a dedicated one. An actress who’s known the truth and joy of doing Shakespeare, and Chekov, and Ibsen —

[ costume designer bursts in smoking a cigarette and carrying an oversized tuna fish costume ]

Costume Designer: Miss Danner. Time to get in your tuna fish costume.

Blythe Danner: Won’t you help, please, before it’s too late? Who’s next?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable