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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Joe Piscopo
Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali…..Eddie Murphy
…..Mary Gross
Boy #1…..Seth Green

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchor Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray.

Our top story tonight: The White House announced today that job vacancies caused by the 1500 Americans who have to leave Libya will be filled by striking PAT-CO air traffic controllers. President Reagan has promised that as he calls endangered Americans home from hostile countries, they will be replaced by air traffic controllers until all 12,000 of them are unemployed again.

Well, this man, Libyan leader, Col. Moammar Kadaffi, has been the study of intense news coverage this week by every major news origanization in America. However, every time his name appears in print, it has a different spelling. “The Chicago Tribune” spells it K-H-A-D-A-F-Y; “The Los Angeles Times” spells it K-A-D-A-F-I; “Newsweek” Magazine, K-A-D-D-A-F-I; “Time” Magazine, G-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The Wall Street Journal”, Q-A-D-H-A-F-I; “The Washington Post”, Q-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The New York Times”, el-Qaddafi. My personal favorite is from the comic book publishers — Kadaffy Duck.

Brian Doyle-Murray: How do you spell Kadaffi? Let us know. [ news screen scroll many weird spellings of Kadaffi ] Our news research department has determined that no two people spell it alike. Send us your spelling of Kadaffi, and remember, it can’t be the same as any of these spellings you’re seeing on the screen right now. The most original spelling of the Libyan leader’s name will be awarded a one-way ticket to Tripoli — that is, if your passport allows you to go there. So, send that in — let us know how YOU spell Kadaffi!

In Little Rock, Arkansas, the state is trying to prove that the theory of Creation is just as scientific as Darwinian evolution, and it should be taught in the public school. Well, State Attorney General, Steve Clark, has been attacked by Creationists as possibly being too sympathetic to the theory of evoluton, and therefore unfit to represent the state. Attorney General Clark, shown here in a courtroom artist’s sketch, says he’s an elected official and cannot be forced to withdraw from the trial.

The government of France announced today that, in addition to selling advanced weapons to ANY country that wants them, it is willing to buy licquor for underaged students while they wait in the car.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, once again, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it, is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe!

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Brian! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story: Mohammed Ali. Last night. Fight. Drama. Bahama! LOST! It’s been a long road for Ali! I remember when I was a young sportcaster at a small television station, when I interviewed a then-young fighter named Cassius Clay! Let’s take a look!

[ cut to Joe’s early black-and-white footage of the interview ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Sportstime! The big story: Clay! Cassius! Mouth! Big! Fight! Liston! What’s the story, Cassius?

Cassius Clay: I can’t believe Sonny Litoen’s getting inside the ring with me! Getting in with me, Cassius Clay! The man’s a disgrace to boxing! He’s too old to be fighting me! The man’s 32-years-old! 32! The man’s ready for a rocking chair! I guarantee the world — I’m gonna shock the world, prove the world, I’m the greatest fighter of all time! Destroy this man, and I’m gonna keep the Heavyweight Championship of the world for five years straight, then I’m gonna retire from the boxing game, healthy, happy, rich and pretty! I’m the greatet fighter of all time!

[ cut back to Joe in the studio, modern day ]

Joe Piscopo: Well, 2o years later, here! Now! Mohammed Ali! [ Mohammed Ali appears via satellite, aged ] What’s the story, Mohammed?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… But with a face so cheap, I won’t be back for a while.

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, how do you feel after last night’s fight?

Mohammed Ali: [ mumbles unintelligbly ]

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed! Fact! Have you taken one punch too many?

Mohammed Ali: I’m sick and tired of people saying the same old things everytime people walk off from the street. Do I sound like I took too many punches? Everybody’s saying I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m old, I got brain damage. I’m the greatest fighter of all time! People are saying I’m washed up, I’m old, I’m senile — How can you say that after all I’ve done for you? After all I’ve done for you. I MADE you, Cosell!

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, are you gonna fight again?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… [ singing ] “Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-oh. And on this farm, he had some…”

Joe Piscopo: Well, there you have it! Ali, confused. Career? Over! Brain cells? Few! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Joe.

Well, the holiday season brings out the little child in all of us. Correspondent Mary Gross has prepared this special report.

[ cut to footage of Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: Christmas. A time for joy, a time for love, a time for sharing. It’s a special season with a special meaning for us all — especially the young. I’m here at Rockefeller Center to find out what Christmas means to children.

[ cut to responses from various children ]

Boy #1: It’s a major headache! The stores are crowded, and there’s traffic!

Boy #2: It’s so commercialized. I was at Macy’s a few months ago, and they already had the Christmas decorations up!

Girl #1: It has NO religious significance! THe people are just out to make a BUCK!

Boy #3: It just isn’t what it used to be. I remember in, uh… ’77, ’78… THAT was Christmas!

Boy #4: No Christmas specials! Give me a break!

Boy #5: You know who I hate the most? Perry Como!

Girl #1: The WORST thing about Christmas… is having to get together with your family! [ she rolls her eyes ]

Girl #2: It doesn’t matter what they give me; I’m just gonna return it anyway!

Boy #1: I wish they’d just me cash!

[ return to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: The spirit of Christmas, mirrored in the smiling faces of children! This is Mary Gross, saying Merry Christmas one and all.

[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: A fine report, Mary! Thank you! Well, that’s the news. Good night, and Merry Christmas.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Bill Murray’s Monologue

…..Bill Murray
Santa Claus…..Andy Murphy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Murray!

Bill Murray: Welcome. It’s going to be a great show tonight! We have some increible, incredible guests – starting with this man. Ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus! [ Santa walks out and is hugged by Bill ] I love this guy! I want to tell you something about this man. Santa’s schedule this time of year is almost as hectic as mine. I mean.. I call him up, though, and I said, “Chris, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Can you be here?” He said, “Billy, two things: What time, and What do I wear?” The guy is a saint! A legitimate Christian holy man. You know what I’m saying? I mean, everyone knows, around Christmas, the guy is working. What they don’t know is the Kringle does this 365 a year. True story: Glen Campbell Invitiational Golf Tournament. The nut – Claus – shows up, gives Rolex watches to everybody. [ holds up his arm ] I haven’t taken it off! It’s incredibly expensive! [ turns to Santa ] I love you, man! [ hugs Santa ] Is he gorgeous? Can we hear a round? He’s gonna be back later! We’ll be right back! I am very excited!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Goodnights

…..Bill Murray

[ Center stage: a somewhat somber Bill Murray gathers with the cast, the Spinners, and the Yale Whiffenpoofs. ]

Bill Murray: Well, we’ve had a very good time, uh, here tonight. Here in the studio, what all of us don’t know and what we just found out is that the uh, members of the Solidarity in Poland were all arrested, and the country’s been taken over by the Soviets. So, we’ve had a lot of laughs here and The Spinners, y’know — it’s no joke, Jim. It’s real sad. And the Spinners were here and great, and these poor stiffs from Yale think this is the biggest night of their lives and now they gotta go in the army. [ everyone laughs except Bill ] But uh, it’s Christmas, and uh, there’s still a bargain to be had in Fort Lee, New Jersey. There’s still uh, things you can pick up, when people are not watching in, in various department stores, here in Manhattan anyway. But our hearts should be with — and they are, with the good people of Poland. God bless them, every one. Good night, everyone.

[ Applause. They all wave goodbye as the credits roll. ]

Announcer: Be sure to be with us two weeks from tonight, for Saturday Night Live, with guests Rod Stewart, Tina Turner and Yoko Ono. This is Bill Hanrahan saying good night.

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 8

Air Date: December 12th, 1981

Host: Bill Murray

Musical Guest: The Spinners

Special Guests: Michael Davis

Cameos: Father Guido Sarducci

Bit Players: Yale Wiffenpoofs

None

Andy Murphy
The Phone Company

Montage

Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: Bill Murray introduces the audience to his close, personal friend, Santa Claus (Andy Murphy).

Transcript

Tales of the UnlikelySummary: A trio of Libyan terrorists (Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Robin Duke) pose as students in an attempt to assassinate President Ronald Reagan on behalf of Colonel Kaddafy.

Transcript

Hotel RoomSummary: Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) mourns the loss of “Tomorrow” by pretending to continue hosting the show in a singy hotel room.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

The Spinners perform a medley of their hitsNote: The Spinners’ medley includes the hits “Then Came You”, “I’ll Be Around”, and “Working My Way Back to You.”

MX-5 TamponsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) promotes the tampons that are stronger than Brenda Vaccarro’s preferred brand.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray outlines the numerous misspellings of Kaddafy. Sportscaster Joe Piscopo airs an early interview with Muhammed Ali (Eddie Murphy) prior to going to him for an update on his boxing career. In a filmed report, Mary Gross gets childrens’ reaction to the overcommercialization of Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Muhammed Ali.

Transcript

Designer Fairy TalesSummary: Brooke Shields (Mary Gross) reads the tale of how elves helped Ralph Lauren (Bill Murray) create a new fashion line.

Recurring Characters: Brooke Shields.

Michael DavisSummary: Prompted by a fan letter, comic-juggler Michael Davis attempts to juggle three bowling balls.

Father Guido Sarducci’s PredictionsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) unveils his psychic predictions for the coming year.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

At Home With The PsychosSummary: Suburban family (Bill Murray, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Eddie Murphy) living next to a cracked nuclear reactor prepare for World War 3 and the opportunity to get rich selling blowhole cosmetic accessories to the radiation-affected survivors.

Transcript

The Economics of ChristmasSummary: Rich couple (Joe Piscopo, Christine Ebersole) turns down Honker’s (Bill Murray) request for a handout in favor of him earning it through trickle-down economics.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

The Yale Wiffenpoofs

GoodnightsTranscript

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 7

81g: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf

Reagan’s Illigitimate Son

…..Eddie Murphy

[Eddie is sitting at his desk in his office]

Eddie Murphy: I think it’s time to set the record straight once and for all and I think it’s time that the truth is known. You see, I’ve been keeping this quiet for quite some time man but no more. There’s a lot that you people don’t know about me and there’s alot I don’t know myself you see, because my papa left home when I was very young. He left me and my mama when I was ten years old. Papa, I know you’re watching and I know what you’re feeling.I know what I’m feeling. Hey man, I love you. Why don’t you just come on home because we need you. You all know myfather. (Pulls out a photo of Ronald Reagan) I’m Ronald Reagan’s illegitimate son.

I remember when you first left home, papa. It was a Saturday morning. We was watching Gumby together. It was your favorite show, papa. I got up and went into the kitchen to get me a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and I looked inside the refrigerator and there wasn’t no milk and he patted me on the head and he said “Don’t worry son, I’ll go to the store and get you some milk.” Papa, I ain’t seen you since man! Next thing I know, you’re the govenor of California. Now you’re in the White House and I’ve got a half brother prancing around the country in a pair of danskins man! It’s embarrassing man!

Papa, please. Papa, look, I want to tell the people of the world. I have proof that he’s my father. Here’s a pictureof papa and me and my mama when I was about three years old. (shows a doctored photo of three year old Eddie (his adult face), his mama and Ronald Reagan) (Gets teary eyed) Papa, I love you please come home. Papa please. The address is Harlem, 413 125th Street, The Kennedy Projects papa. Apartment 3C. Papa please! Papa please, I love you! Papa!

(breaks down)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 7

81g: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf

Mick!

Mick Jagger…..Tim Curry
Mandrell Sisters…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Clerk…..Frank Nelson
Shari Lewis…..Robin Duke
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
Rip Taylor…..Tony Rosato
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on superimposed Rolling Stones lip logo, as “Sympathy For the DEvil” plays ]

Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood — It’s the Mick Jagger Special! Ladies and gentlemen — MICK!

[ Mick Jagger appears from behind the curtain ]

Mick Jagger: Hello! Hello! [ singing ]
“Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste!
I’ve been around for a long, long years
Stolen many a man’s soul and faith!
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!”

Mick Jagger: Hello! I’m Mick Jagger! Welcome to our very first television special ever! Thank you! With our very special musical guests — The Mandrell Sisters!

[ pan over to the Mandrell Sisters performing ]

Mandrell Sisters: [ singing ]
“You’ve been singing after dark
We’ve been sleeping all alone
Mick, we miss you!

We’ve been hanging on the phone
We’ve been sleeping all alone
We’re going to kiss you!”

Mick Jagger: Ladies and gentlemen — the Mandrell Sisters! Now, then — You know, some people think that Mick Jagger is a… a little wild! That I’m the kind of bloke who lives on the edge! But that’s not true. [ he contorts his face ] I’m just… an ordinary guy like you! You see… I like PUPPIES! And PLUM PUDDINGS! Cozy evenings by the fire! Or just… walking down the street in ANYTOWN, U.S.A.! [ he struts over to a news stand ] Uh — Excuse me, Sir. [ he taps on the counter ] Uh, Sir? Sir?

[ the clerk finally turns around, revealed to be Frank Nelson ]

Clerk: Uh, yeeeeeeessssss???

Mick Jagger: Um — Do you sell magazines, Sir?

Clerk: Uh, no! No, THIS is a jumbo jet and I’m the stewardess! Would you like a drink?

Mick Jagger: Uhhhh… no, not really. No. Uh, do you have any magazines?

Clerk: Mmmmm, uhhhhh, yeeeeeeesssss!! [ he turns around ]

Mick Jagger: I say — Excuse me?

[ the clerk turns around ]

Clerk: Oh, it’s you again!

Mick Jagger: [ he laughs ] I’m sorry to bother you, but… do you have “Rolling Stone”?

Clerk: Uhhhhhhh, euuuuuggggghhhhhh!! [ he turns around ]

Mick Jagger: [ to the audience ] I didn’t have the heart to tell him… that this face… [ he contorts his face ] is on the cover of MOST of the rags he’s SELLING! Now… most of you know me as a singer-songwriter-performer. A guy who lives on the edge. But there’s a person out there… who knows me… as “Daddy.” My biggest fan — my daughter Jade. The other day, she said to me: “Hey, Daddy! If you ever have a network special of your very own, you’ve got to put this act!” I’m talking, of course, about the beautifully preserved Shari Lewis and her loveable friend Lamb Chop! [ he sits next to Lewis ] Hello, Lamb Chop!

Lamb Chop: Hello!

Mick Jagger: Lucky day!

Lamb Chop: [ swooning ] Mick…! [ she faints and pants ]

Mick Jagger: Did I say something wrong?

Shari Lewis: No, it’s just that Lamb Chop is shy! Lamb Chop, speak to him.

Lamb Chop: Oh, Mick… I’m your biggest fan! And I’ve always wanted to meet you… And… And… [ she whispers into Lewis’ ear ]

Shari Lewis: Well, go on and ask him, Lamb Chop! Go on.

Lamb Chop: Mr. Jagger? Mick? Could I have a… itsy… bitsy…… kiss?

Mick Jagger: It would be my pleasure!

[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Lamb Chop ]

Mick Jagger: I haven’t forgotten you either!

[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Shari Lewis ]

Lamb Chop: Mick…? [ panting ] Would you… sing a song for… us?

Mick Jagger: Only if you introduce me!

Lamb Chop: Ohh… My pleasure! [ clears her throat ] Ladies and gentlemen — the god of rock and roll, and… the best tongue-kisser in the business! MICK JAGGER!!

[ Mick runs on stage and sings “Brown Sugar”, until Buckwheat joins him on stage ]

Mick Jagger: I can’t believe it! Buckwheat! What are you doing on my first network special?

Buckwheat: Hi, Bick Dagger! I was dust atoss da hall taping a bew special, based on my album Buh-weet Sings! [ he holds up the album ] It’s Number 18 on the charts with a bullet, and we hoping dat it’s gonna doe dold!

Mick Jagger: Doe dold?

Buckwheat: Doe dold!

Mick Jagger: Well, I just want to remind everyone that Buckwheat’s next special airs this Thursday night on NBC at nine o-clock!

Buckwheat: Eight o’cock pentral!

Mick Jagger: Buckwheat, I wish you the very best with your special. You KNOW I’ll be watching!

Buckwheat: O-tay!

Mick Jagger: You know, Buckwheat, when I think about the people who have influenced me, I think of, uh… Muddy Waters… [ he contorts his face ] Big Bill Brunsy… and this man. He’s taught me what performing is all about. Ladies and gentlemen — the comic genius of Mr. RIP TAYLOR!

[ Rip Taylor appears tossing feathers into the audience ]

Rip Taylor: Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! [ he runs up on stage ] How is everybody? Okay? [ the audience screams back ] I can’t hear you! Is everybody okay?! [ the audience screams louder ] Joy! [ he laughs, then picks up a broken Barbie doll ] Well, take a look at this, what’s this? Barbie’s half-sister! Well, laugh it up, kids, it doesn’t get any better! How about this? [ he holds up a bullet-ridden fish ] Holy mackeral! [ he laughs ] Uh, hellooooo! Hellooooo! [ he tosses the fish over his shoulder ] I just had it for the halibut, anyway! [ he laughs, then picks up a fake hand attached to a spring ] How about this? Palm Springs? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Hey, kids, what about this? [ he picks up chattering teeth ] Nine teeth nervous breakdown? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Nine teeth nervous… Oh, my God, they’re blind, too! [ he holds up a pickle ] Mother’s Little Helper? [ he laughs, then points into the audience ] Oh, he got it. You got it, didn’t you? He’s got one in his hands! Okay! [ he taps a paintbrush against the pickle ] Paint It Black? [ he laughs ] Paint It Black, kids. Come on, get with it. [ he laughs, then sprays the audience with seltzer ] You people aren’t laughing! Laugh it up! [ he rubs a six-pack across his head ] As Beers Go By! [ he laughs ] Oh, you’re gonna get these at home and laaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh!! That’s it, kids! That’s it!

[ Taylor runs off stage ]

Mick Jagger: You know — I’ve been called a Living Legend. [ he contorts his mouth ] A man who lives on the edge. But this man has been called… a puppet… a poet… a pirate… a pauper, a pawn, and the Chairman of the Board! Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Francis Albert SINATRA!

[ Sinatra appears on stage ]

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Theeeeeeeeese little town blues!
They are MELTING awayyyyyy!
I’m gonna make a brand new start of it
in old New York!
Annnnnnndddd! If I can make it there
I could make it almost anywhere!
It’s up to you! New! York! New Yorrrrrrrrrrkkkkk!!
New Yorrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkk!!!”

[ Jagger joins Sinatra on stage ]

Mick Jagger: Oh! Ring-a-ding-ding, Frank!

Frank Sinatra: [ he wraps his arm around Jagger’s shoulder ] Let me embarrass this man for a moment. I have had the honor to work with great arrangers and conductors — like Don Costa, Gordon Jenkins, Vinnie Balcone, and others just too numerous to mention. And I’ve always had this theory: Rock singers make me PUKE! Except for this man. Mick, you are hip!

Mick Jagger: Oh, thanks, Frank! I’ve always admired your style.

Frank Sinatra: Well, likewise. You and your partner, uh… what’s his name? The guy that looks like Walking Death?

Mick Jagger: Keith Richards.

Frank Sinatra: Keith Richards. Right. That cat. You guys have had some bouncy tunes that I’ve always wanted to sing.

Mick Jagger: Well, no one’s stopping you, Francis Albert!

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Under my thumb!
That gal! She shot me down!
My thumb!
That chick! She pushed me around!

It’s down on meeeeeeeee, JACK!
No difference in the treads she wear
It’s down to me!
Change has come!
THUMB!”

Mick Jagger: Remember this one, friend?
[ singing ]
“Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances?
We’d be sharing love, before the night is throooooough?”

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Hey! You! Get off my cloud!
Hey, you! Off my cloud!
You! Take a hike!
Do not hang around, buster!
Two is a crowd!”

[ Sinatra exits the stage, as Jagger drops to his knees ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Myyyyyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is… myyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is…”

Hey, this has been MY kind of television special!

[ singing ]
“We’ve had some fun, together. [ he contorts his mouth ]
On my first big special, ever.
We’ve spent the night together… [ holding back the tears ] yeahhhh!”

Good night, Jade. Daddy’ll be home soon. [ he wiggles his ear ]

[ end credits roll:

Executive Producer
ALAN BRADY

Producer
MEL COOLEY

Written by
ROB PETRIE
SALLY ROGERS
BUDDY SORRELL

A
BERNIE SUGARMAN
PRODUCTION ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 5th, 1981

Tim Curry

Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express

None

Frank Nelson

Bryant Gumbel
Texxon

Montage

Tim Curry’s Monologue

Mick!Recurring Characters: Mick Jagger, Barbara Mandrell, Frank Sinatra, Buckwheat.

Reagan’s Illegitimate SonSummary: Eddie Murphy makes a plea for his runaway dad, President Ronald Reagan, to return home to him and his mama.

Transcript

The Trouble With Fred

Frank & PapaRecurring Characters: Frank, Papa.

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Prince Charles, Princess Di, Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express performs “Promised Land”

Tim & Meat’s One-Stop Rocky Horror Shop

Tim Curry sings “The Zucchini Song”

If Reagan Had Survived The AssassinationRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express performs “Bat Out Of Hell”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Power Failure

Woman…..Christine Ebersole
Man…..Tony Rosato
NBC Censor…..Tim Kazurinsky

Woman: Jerry, could you just put that stuff on the table for me?

Man: Yeah, sure.. no problem. [ puts stuff down ] So, uh.. look, I hope you got a hammer, or something, to put this thing up..

Woman: Oh, yeah.. look, I’ve got a hammer, I’ve got nails, I’ve got everything.. I just can’t put this stuff up myself, I really appreciate all your help.

Man: Oh, hey, no problem, I don’t mind. If you make me dinner,we’ll call it even!

Woman: Okay.

Man: Now, where do you keep the ladder?

Woman: In the closet.

Man: [ pulls ladder out of closet ] That’s a small one, is it going to be tall enough?

[ lights suddenly go out ]

Woman: Tony, what happened?

Man: What’s going on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Uh.. Tony, Chris.. we’re having some lighting problems..

Man: Are we still on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Oh, we’re working on it. Just keep the set going..

Man: We can’t see the cards, though.. [ to the non-visible audience ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a technical problem.. uh.. the scene is now going to be be about a guy helping a girl put up some curtains.. in the bottom of a coal mine.. Okay.. where were we?

Woman: [ now improvising ] Oh.. I see you have the ladder.

Man: Yes. Here it is.. [ accidentally drops the ladder on Christine ]

Woman: Ow!

Man: I’m sorry.. you got it..? Yeah, I got the ladder! Why don’t I put up the ladder and put the stuff up, and you hand it up to me?

Woman: Alright. Okay, fine.. are you up there yet?

Man: Yeah. Don’t give it to me ’til I get up here..

Woman: Okay..

Man: Grab the rod, will you?

Woman: Okay.. Do you want me to take it out for you?

Man: No, I can manage.. I can manage.. Alright..

Woman: Whoa, look how long this is..

Man: Well, what did you expect?

Woman: I don’t know.. I’ve never done anything like this before..

Man: Oh, really?

Woman: Yeah.. so what do you do, just take it out and then you put that in there, and that’s it, huh?

Man: That’s it. Now, that’s what I call well-hung!

NBC Censor: [ voice heard running in ] Hold it! Hold it right there!

Man: Wha.. what’s wrong? Who are you?

NBC Censor: I’m Al Segal, you know me, the NBC Censor?

Man: We’re in the middle of a sketch..

NBC Censor: You know.. listen, you can’t do this kind of stuff!

Woman: What do you mean? You approved the script..

NBC Censor: I.. yeah, I approved a script, but that was when it was clear, it was obvious that you were putting up a curtain rod and hanging curtains! When you can’t see that stuff, it sounds completely different!

Man: Well, you got a dirty mind, you know? I mean, that’s notmy fault that the lights went out..

Woman: You mean, you thought that.. oh, that’s gross!

Man: Al, you got the wrong idea.

NBC Censor: Look, just skip the curtains, will you? Go on with the rest of the scene, have dinner or something, alright?

Man: Dinner? That’s not even in the script..

Woman: Let’s just play along with him, Tony, alright? Uh.. let’s skip the curtains, and just have dinner!

Man: Nice ad-lib.. nice ad-lib.. Uh.. sure, okay.. what do we have for dinner?

Woman: [ approaches fridge in the dark ] Uh.. how about these melons? [ holds up a pair of melons ]

Man: Oh, wow.. those look really nice! I like these jugs, too.. [ grabs some jugs sitting on the counter in the dark ]

NBC Censor: [ running back in ] Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

Man: What?! What’s wrong now, for God’s sake!

NBC Censor: You know you can’t do this sort of stuff!

Man: What sort of stuff!

Woman: Yeah, what sort of stuff!

NBC Censor: Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Missy! I’m just trying to do my job!

Man: Look, Al, I think you’ve got the wrong idea. Can I justshow you something here.. shed a little light on the situation? [ opens fridge ] Theses are real melons! Huh? And that’s the jug I was talking about!

NBC Censor: Mr. Rosato, looking at this so-called dinner, I seenothing but melons, and sausages, and buns, and bananas, and donuts – now, don’t tell me you didn’t have this planned!

Woman: Oh, this is asinine! Get the Producer down here!Dick! Dick!

NBC Censor: Hey! What are you doing!

Woman: Dick! Get me Dick!

NBC Censor: You can’t say that on television!

Man: Al, relax, will you? The producer’s name really is Dick. I mean, Dick Ebersol. What’s wrong with you? You’re flipping out, I think you’ve been handling this job just a little too much..

NBC Censor: God.. maybe you’re right.. I’m sorry..

Woman: Good grief, you could take anything the wrong way. I am personally offended that you would think that I would do sleaze like that!

NBC Censor: I-I-I’m sorry. I mean, you do this job long enough, you go nuts!

Man: Well, there. There’s the perfect example. Had we said “nuts”, we’d have been cut off the air!

Woman: Yeah!

NBC Censor: You’re right, I would have killed ya! [ pause ] I’m sorry. Kids, I’m sorry..

Man: No problem.

NBC Censor: Just go on with the rest of the sketch. [ exits scene ]

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Take it easy. Go home, take a rest.

Woman: Where were we?

Man: Is he gone?

Woman: Yeah, he’s gone.

Man: Alright, let’s keep going. Where were we?

Woman: I was saying, “Jerry, come to me! Give me all your love..”

Man: “Okay.. but let’s take our clothes off first..”

[ sketch remains black and fades to obscurity ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Nick The Knock

Nick The Knock…..Joe Piscopo
Fairy…..Mary Gross

[ open on stage exterior, as the curtains open to reveal hand puppet Nick the Knock jumping around on stage, humming to himself until he spots a record player ]

Nick The Knock: Ooh — music! Oh, boy, here we go!

[ he cranks up the record player, then begins to dance and hum to the music that will later open SNL’s Hans & Franz sketches ]

Nick The Knock: Oh boy, oh boy!

[ he grabs the record and smashes it against the record player ]

[ suddenly, a fairy flies into view ]

Nick The Knock: Ooh! Ooh! Oh, how pretty! Ooh!

Fairy: Hello, Nick! Hello, Nick the Knock!

Nick The Knock: Wow, look at… ooh!

Fairy: Hi, Nick!

Nick The Knock: Wow! Let’s see who that is!

[ Nick leans down until his face is right next to the fairy ]

Fairy: Hello, Nick!

Nick The Knock: Hi! Ooh!

Fairy: I brought you another poem. [ Nick appears confused ] Nick, although you are very strange…

Nick The Knock: Yes?

Fairy: I like to think I see beauty in you that others are too busy to notice. So I have brought you this: The gift of truth.

[ Nick smiles as she begins to recite her poem ]

Fairy:
“Truth never dies. The ages come and go.
The mountains wear away, the stars retire
Destruction lays Earth’s mighty cities low;
And empires, states and dynasties expire.
But caught and handed onwarded by the wise,
Truth never dies.

As rests the Sphinx amid Egyptian sands;
As looms on high the snowy peak and crest
As firm and patient as Gibralter stands,
So Truth, uwearied, waits the era blest,
Men shall turn to it with great surprise.
Truth never dies.”

[ a series of knocks are heard at the door ]

Nick The Knock: Wow, that was beautiful! Beautiful! [ he stands ] What? Someone’s at the door! Ooh! Ooh! Here we go! Let’s see who’s at the door! The door!

[ Nick opens the door and is swatted with a rubber bat ]

Nick The Knock: Oo-oo-ooh, whoa! That was terrific!

[ another series of knocks are heard at the door ]

Nick The Knock: Whoa! There’s ANOTHER knock at the door! Who could that be?

[ Nick opens the door and is again swatted with a rubber bat ]

Nick The Knock: Heyyyy, what’s going on here! Huh? Oh, boy! [ to the Fairy ] Well, hey, you — come here! I know what I’m gonna do to you, you little thing! I’m gonna eat your spine!

[ Nick grabs the Fairy by the throat and proceeds to eat her spine, as green blood splashes all over his face amid her screams ]

Nick The Knock: Oh, boy, that’s good! Boy, that’s good! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

[ the curtains close, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Billy Joel performs “She’s Got A Way”

…..Billy Joel

Announcer: Once again, live from his midtown recording studio — Billy Joel!

Billy Joel: [ singing ]
“She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her
She’s got a way of pleasin’
I don’t know what it is
But there doesn’t have to be a reason anyway
She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way of talkin’
I don’t know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere.

She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around.

She’s got a way of showin’, mmm-mmm-mmm
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin’
She’s got a light around her
And everywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her everywhere.

She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around.

She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her anyway.”

SNL Transcripts