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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Spray-On Laetril

Gwen…..Christine Ebersole
Peggy…..Mary Gross
Scientists…..Eddie Murphy, Tim Kazurinsky, Tony Rosato
Ted…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: [ over slide ] And now a message from Tijuana Laboratories for new spray-On Laetril.

[ open on Peggy sitting on the couch as Gwen enters the room smoking ]

Gwen: Hey, Peggy — shouldn’t you be getting ready for the Prom? Ted’s gonna be picking you up in just a few minutes.

Peggy: Gee… I’d love to go to the dance tonight, Gwen… but I can’t. I have lung cancer.

Gwen: [ she laughs ] Oh! Oh, is that all? Well, that used to be a problem, but no longer — [ she picks up product ] Not with new Spray-On Laetril! Now available in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] “The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!”

[ dissolve back to Gwen and Peggy ]

Gwen: Just spray on Laetril… [ she sprays it on Peggy’s back over an inking labeled “LUNG CANCER” ] and wipe malignancy off! [ she rubs the ink off with a sponge ] I smoke about six packs a day, and frankly, my lungs look like moldy spinach! Until I discovered new Spray-On Laetril in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] “The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!”

[ dissolve back to Gwen and Peggy, SUPER: “Minutes Later” ]

[ the doorbell rings, as Peggy answers ]

Peggy: Hi, Ted!

Ted: [ enters, smoking ] Ohhhh, gosh, Peggy, you look GREAT! I thought you only had a few days to live?

Peggy: I did! But Spray-On Laetril gave me a new lease on life!

Ted: Spray-On? But don’t those aerosols release dangerous florocarbons into our atmosphere?

Peggy: No, silly! This comes in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] “The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!”

[ they begin to spray one another, cracking up ]

[ dissolve back to Peggy’s house, SUPER: “After The Prom” ]

[ Peggy and Ted enter, still smoking ]

Ted: Boy… Peggy, I really had a swell time tonight. May I stay over and have sex with you?

Peggy: Oh, of course you can! But it’s only fair to warn you — I hsve syphillis.

Ted: Syph, too?

Peggy: Syph, too.

Ted: Oh. Well, will new Spray-On Laetril…?

Peggy: I’m afraid not.

[ she attempts to kiss Ted, as he pulls away ]

Announcer: We here at Tijuana Laboratories may not haev the answer to all your medical problems, but we’re working on it.

[ dissolve to slide ]

Announcer: Tijuana Laboratories. Serving America’s health needs since 1977.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney…..Joe Piscopo
Mrs. Rooney…..Christine Ebersole

Announcer: [ over title slide ] And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney”.

[ dissolve to Andy Rooney seated before his clutter-filled desk ]

Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about CHOCOLATE! Ever notice chocolate? There’s so many different kinds. [ he holds up various pieces of chocolate ] There’s dark chocolate… milk chocolate… white chocolate. Did you ever meet anybody who actually likes white chocolate? Ed Bradley does. Of course, Ed’s kinda white, anyway!

Did you ever notice there aren’t many homosexuals named “Buster”?

Of course, everybody likes a box of chocolate. [ he holds up a box ] It’s all neat and organized. Don’t you hate it when your wife takes a bite out of a piece that she doesn’t like, and then puts half of it back? Honey… why do you do that/?

[ the camera pans out to find Mrs. Rooney seated next to Andy ]

Mrs. Rooney: I don’t know! Ever notice how sloppy some husbands keep their desks?

Andy Rooney: Did you ever notice how cetain wives nag? I guess they mean well… but it always come out as NAGGING!

Mrs. Rooney: Ever notice how some husbands don’t age particularly well?

Andy Rooney: Did you ever spend half your life with someone and just get tired of them… but you don’t have the heart to ask them to leave?

Mrs. Rooney: Did you ever FAKE an orgasm?

Andy Rooney: [ he gives her a dirty look ] Did you ever lose you eyes and pretend your wife was Jessica Savitch?

Mrs. Rooney: Ever cheat on your husband?

Andy Rooney: Ever cheat on your wife?

Mrs. Rooney: Of course, it’s better not to tell!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Control Room ’81

Contestant #1…Regis Philbin
Contestant #2…Ron Howard
…George Kennedy
Woman…Christine Ebersole

[Open on darkened stage. Game show theme plays]

Announcer: Number One, what is your name, please? [Spotlight shines on contestants as the camera zooms in]

Contestant #1: My name is George Kennedy. [applause]

Announcer: Number Two. [Camera pans to second contestant]

Contestant #2: My name…is…George Kennedy. [applause]

Announcer: Number Three. [Camera pans to third contestant]

George Kennedy: My name is George Kennedy. [applause]

[Camera zooms out to show all three contestants]

Announcer: I, George Kennedy have appeared in over 50 movies in both starring and supporting roles. I am best known for my Academy Award-winning performance in…

[Picture suddenly goes out. Cut to wide shot of the stage as the actors stand looking confused]

Voice: Uh, folks. We’ve, ah — this is the control room — we’ve, ah, just lost a camera. We’ve got some other ones, though. Let’s roll another camera in and please stand by while we take it again from the top.

[Stage lights are turned off. Game show theme plays again as first contestant is shown]

Announcer: Number One, what is your name, please?

Contestant #1: My name is George Kennedy.

Announcer: Number Two.

Contestant #2: My name is…

[Picture goes out again]

Voice: Uh, guys? Uh, we-we just lost another camera…but there’s no problem! This is a four-camera show and we can certainly do it with two cameras! Start again from the top.

[Lights go out and game show theme resumes]

Announcer: Number One, what is your name, please?

Contestant #1: My name is…[Picture goes out. Screen fills with static]

Voice: [panicked] I can’t believe it. We lost another camera! The chromera’s spiking and we’re losing our convergence! I’m trying not to panic, but this is a time I really wanna panic!

Woman’s Voice: [Gasps and screams] Please, somebody, get in here! We need help! Oh God!

[Cut to control room, where all the technicians are slumped over in their seats. The woman is trying to wake them up]

Woman: [crying] How could this happen? Oh my God, everybody, somebody, wake up! Oh my God, come on!

[George Kennedy enters]

George Kennedy: [yelling] What the hell is going on in here?! Who’s in charge?!

Woman: Ah-ah-I guess I am.

George Kennedy: Who are you?!

Woman: I’m the script girl.

George Kennedy: What is the matter with all of these people?!

Woman: They all had heart attacks, okay! [cries]

George Kennedy: What a bunch of wimps! Get outta the chair! [He pushes a technician off his chair, sits at the control panel and puts on a pair of headphones] Master Control. Master Control, this is Studio 8H. Do you read me?

Master Control: This is Master Control. Go ahead.

George Kennedy: This is George Kennedy. We got an emergency down here. I’m gonna take over the controls.

Master Control: [sternly] You cannot do that! You’re not a member of the technicians union!

George Kennedy: Now you listen to me and you hear this good! I got 300 people out there, I got 20 coronaries in here, seven actors and a trained dog, so don’t give me any of that bleedin’ hearts crud about unions!

Master Control: You’re crazy!

George Kennedy: I may be crazy, but I’ll tell you one thing, I’m in charge here! You stand by to roll! Ready, roll! [George pushes lever up, making picture fade to black] Five, four, three, two, one. Cue the music. Go! [Opening sequence and music start]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy
Mr. Landlord…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ]

[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood
A hell of a day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I hope I get to move in your neighborhood someday
The problem is: When I move in… y’all move away!
So… come out with some folks and a smoke
You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke!
Will you be mine?
Won’t you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?”

[ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]

Mr. Robinson: Hello, boys and girls! We all alone today. You know why? My wife walked out on me! Isn’t that nice? I’m so glad the bitch is gone! I hate —

[ the doorbell buzzes; chimes go off ]

[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]

Mr. Robinson: Who could that be? Let’s see! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood: WHO IS IT?!!

Muffled Voice: Mr. Robinson! Open the door! I heard you in there, I heard you singing! Open up! Come on!! [ he bangs on the door ] COME ON!!!

[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips and opens the door ]

Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Landlord! Hello, Mr. Landlord!

[ Mr. Landlord blows cigar smoke in Mr. Robinson’s face ]

Mr. Landlord: What the –? Cut the BULL, will ‘ya?! You’re rent’s SIX MONTHS overdue! [ he shoves paperwork in Mr. Robinson’s chest ] A summons!

[ Mr. Landlord leaves ]

Mr. Robinson: Ohhhh, look! An eviction notice! Brought by Mr. Landlord! [ he slams his door ] Can you say “Scumbucket”? THat’s our special word for today, boys and girls! [ he points out the word on his easel ] Do you know any scumbuckets? I bet you do! You know, I did have the money to pay this rent… and then all of a sudden it mysteriously disappeared! And then my wife showed up with a new dress on. Want to see that dress now, boys and girls? [ he holds up the dress ] See the footprint on it? I ain’t take it off when I do that, neither! You know what we gonna do? Visit the President, and find out why I’m so po’! Who wants to go to the Magical Land of Make-Believe? Would you like that? We gonna visit the President!

[ dissolve to puppet playhouse ]

Mr. Robinson V/O: Who wants to visit the President?

[ Mr. Robinson raises his hand, covered with black cottonball-tipped fingers, from behind the curtain ]

Ghetto Family V/O: We want to talk to the President! We would like to speak with the president! Where is he? The President’s always late! He ain’t never on time!

[ Mr. Robinson raises his other hand, holding a lop-sided President Ronald Reagan doll, from behind the curtain ]

President Ronald Reagan V/O: Here I am! My neck is hurtin’, though. How you doin’? I’m the President! What’s the problem?

Ghetto Family V/O: Say, Mr. President! How come you cut off my relief funding, and I got evicted from my house?! And how come I sound like Geraldine?!

President Ronald Reagan V/O: Well, I can’t do anything to help you with that, my friend!

Ghetto Family V/O: Mr. President! Mr. President, I have a question! Uh — how come you don’t sell one of them planes, you know, so I could have a full lunch?!

President Ronald Reagan V/O: I’m sorry, uh… I can’t answer that question, neither!

Ghetto Family V/O: But, Mr. President! [ Mr. Robinson lowers the four outer fingers and leaves only his middle finger pointing upward ] I think I speak for ALL Black people! Mr. President!

President Ronald Reagan V/O: I don’t have no more time for no more questions! Sorry!

[ both hands dissppear behind the curtain ]

[ cut to a side shot, as Mr. Robinson smiles from behind the puppet playhouse ]

Mr. Robinson: Well… I have to go now, boys and girls. So, bye bye! [ singing ] “A very happy tomorrow to you!” [ he throws down the Reagan puppet ]

[ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

George Kennedy’s Monologue

…..George Kennedy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — George Kennedy and the cast of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ the cast pile up together on the stage, as George Kennedy appears behind them ]

George Kennedy: [ in full Joe Patroni mode ] Alright! Alright, alright, alright! Cut the crap! Cut the crap! We got twenty million people out there watching, and I’m gonna REDLINE this sucker! Let’s gooooo!!

Tony Rosato: Alright!

[ everyone runs to their places ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Goodnights

…..George Kennedy

George Kennedy: If I could adopt kids, I’d adopt four kids named Cary and Shannon and Chris and Shawna, and they’d be in California watching. If I could adopt seven more kids, I’d adopt this bunch! Please!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

An Editorial Reply

Marilyn Monroe…..Mary Gross

Announcer: [ over slide ] Here now: Am Editorial Reply.

[ dissolve to October 1981 issue of Life Magazine with Marilyn Monroe on the cover ]

[ dissolve to Marilyn Monroe ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ]
“The press is glad to… use my name
Take delight in exploit… ation
That ups their sales and to-ta-ly
Destroyed… my rep… u… tation.”

[ dancing men surround her ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ]
“If Life Magazine needs my face to sell issues
Than downers are a girl’s best friend
And guys dressed like me with their… chest stuffed with tissues
Don’t seem very nice
I hear some nights they go on twice!

Well-bred men pick up their pants
Intellects who dissect my fat end
If the future of the presses rest on me in low-cut dresses
Downers are a girl’s best friend.

[ one dancer holds up a copy of Truman Capote’s “Music For Chameleons” ]

Capote!

[ another dancer holds up Arthur Miller’s “After The Fall” ]

Miller!

[ another dancer holds up Garson Kanin’s “Moviola” ]

“Gar… son… Ka… nen
Talk to me, Norman Mailer!
Tell me all about me!

If made-for-TV films don’t mean much, be written
Downers are a girl’s best friend.
And writers who write on the… men I was smitten
with… make so much dough
and write as though they really know.

Dunaway would run away
to play me, though she’d need my rear end!
This is inventive
to me, it’s offensive
Downers are a girl’s best friend.”

[ one dancer holds up a copy of Truman Capote’s “Music For Chameleons” ]

Capote!

[ another dancer holds up Arthur Miller’s “After The Fall” ]

Miller!

[ another dancer holds up an issue of Playboy Magazine ]

Playboy!

[ she pulls on another dancer, who holds up an issue of Time Magazine ]

Time!

“Good! Bye! Norma Jean!
Talk to me, Norman Mailer!
Tell me all about me!

Downers!
These writers are downers.
They make my life rotten.
Downers… are a girl’s best… best friend!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Guest Writer:


October 17th, 1981

George Kennedy

Miles Davis

Harry Anderson

Ron Howard

Regis Philbin

John Candy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Control Room ’81Summary: When cameras start cutting out during a “To Tell The Truth” sketch, George Kennedy puts himself in Joe Patroni-mode to take over the control room and keep the broadcast on air.

Transcript

Montage

George Kennedy’s MonologueSummary: George Kennedy is ready to redline tonight’s broadcast.

Transcript

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: Mister Robinson (Eddie Murphy) receives an eviction notice from Mr. Landlord (Tim Kazurisnky), then travels to the Magical Land of Make-Believe to ask President Ronald Reagan where his money went.

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson, Mr. Landlord.

Transcript

53 at Studio 54Summary: After discovering he’s not on Studio 54’s guest list, old-timer George Kennedy sings that it’s no fun to be “53 at Studio 54”.

Transcript

A Few Minutes With Andy RooneySummary Jones: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) grouses about chocolates and his nagging wife (Christine Ebersole), who registers a few grumpisms of her own.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

Velvet Jones School of TechnologySummary: Entrepreneur Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) pimps his new book: “I Wanna Be A Ho”.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

Harry AndersonSummary: Comic-magician Harry Anderson tears and repairs an audience member’s $5 bill, then reveals the varied mechanisms that helped him pull off the illusion.

Mr. Bill Goes to L.A.Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill’s sojourn in Los Angeles is interrupted by a cocaine bust that costs him his mansion, as well as an earthquake that swallows him whole.

Spray-On LaetrilSummary: Gwen (Christine Ebersole) shows Peggy (Mary Gross) how to clear up her unsightly lung cancer with a few easy sprays from the pump.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Eddie Murphy declares that no person is too ugly to have sex with. Juan Gavino (John Candy) gives the Mexican weather report.

La Cage Aux Folles ’81

Up & At ‘Em

Rubik’s Teeth

Miles Davis performs “Jean Pierre”

Jake the Hired Hand

An Editorial ReplySummary: Marilyn Monroe (Mary Gross) sings “Downers Are A Girl’s Best Friend.”

Recurring Characters: Marilyn Monroe.

Transcript

Tuna Melts & TypingSummary: Janitor (George Kennedy) and secretary (Christine Ebersole) discuss her engagement and chat about nostalgic music while eating late night tuna fish sandwiches.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Honeymoon Virgin

Billy…..Tony Rosato
Sharon…..Susan Saint James

[ open on interior, darkened honeymoon suite, as newly-married couple cross the threshold while humming “The Wedding March” ]

Billy: Well, here we are, honey! The Honeymoon capitof of America — Daytona Beach! Get the light, will ‘ya? [ she flips the light switch with her foot as he pushes the door closed with his back ] Oh, I gotta put you down, honey. Oh, boy… you’re putting on a little bit of weight there, I think. Huh?

Sharon: No, I think it has to do with the suitcases.

Billy: Oh. I thought you left those in the car. [ he looks around the suite ] Hey, look at this! Look at this, huh! Lawn chairs and everything.

Sharon: Billy, look! Champagne! THe motel people must have left it for us.

Billy: That’s nice. Oh, that’ssupposed to be excellent stuff, and it’s a good vintage, too — February’s a good month. Okay, now stand back, Sharon, because I’m gonna pop this thing. [ he holds the bottle out ]

Sharon: Billy?

Billy: Look out, baby, this thing goes off like a cannon.

Sharon: Billy.

Billy: Look out, Sharon!

Sharon: Honey. honey, it’s a twist-off, I think you just screw it off like that. [ she untwists the cork ]

Billy: Oh, yeah, yeah… I knew that. I knew that. [ she holds up two glasses ] Let’s have a little bit of the bubbly, huh?

Sharon: Uh-huh!

[ Billy pours the champagne into the glasses, not realizing they’re covered in plastic wrap, prompting the champagne to splash onto Sharon’s clothes ]

Billy: There’s plastic on those! Let me get a towel, let me get a towel…

Sharon: No, no, I got it…

Billy: I’m sorry, Sharon.

Sharon: I’m sure it’ll dry right off.

Billy: Yeah? You sure? I didn’t even see those. [ he removes the plasti wrap from the glasses ] Why the hell is there plastic on these things?

Sharon: I know. Well, it’s sanitary that way.

Billy: Okay, here. [ he hands her a glass ] you want to make a toast?

Sharon: Oh, yeah!

Billy: Let’s make a little toast.

Sharon: Okay, alright!

Billy: [ he pours the champagne ] A little bit for you… a little bit for me… Good, it looks like Bromo. [ she laughs ] Alright! To the most wonderful girl in the world. Thanks so much for coming into my life. To you.

Sharon: [ she smiles ] Billy. Such a jerk! [ she laughs, then chugs her champagne ]

Billy: [ he shrugs, then chugs ] Oh, that’s got a kick to it, huh? Oh, I don’t know about you, but I feel a little crazy now! [ she laughs nervously ] I think it’s time, Sharon!

Sharon: No, no…

Billy: I think it’s TIME, honey! [ he removes his jacket, dances seductively, then howls like a wolf and stands on a chair over the bed ] Come on, I’ve been practicing all week — it’ll be a riot!

Sharon: No, no…

Billy: Come on, lie down! I’ll just come gliding in there. Come on, I’ll do a double flip and it’ll be a riot!

Sharon: [ finally ] I’VE NEVER MADE LOVE TO ANYBODY BEFORE!!

Billy: Huh?

Sharon: [ quietly ] I’ve never made love to anybody before.

Billy: Are y-y-y-y-you serious? you never made love to anybody? [ he climbs down ]

Sharon: I’ve never even simulated it.

Billy: W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute… Sharon… weren’t you th one who said we were gonna wait until today? I mean, “Doing it with the one you love was gonna be beautiful.” You said that, didn’t you?

Sharon: Oh, yes.

Billy: Well… I assumed you were talking from experience!

Sharon: Ohhh. Noooo.

Billy: But you’re 31 years old. That’s a long time to hold on! How did you manage that?

Sharon: I don’t know, I just kept putting it off. The first tiem the situation arose, I aid “No.” The second time the situation arose, I said “No.” And the third time, I said “Yes,” but he said “No.”

Billy: W-w-w-whoa, wait a minute… Sharon. I don’t understand. I mean, why was I a “No”? I mean, I look like a “Maybe” at the most! I don’t understand!

Sharon: Billy… because I love you. I didn’t know that sex was the most important thing in your life.

Billy: Well… not the most important thing… But once every 31 years starts to take on some significance! You know what I mean? Sharon, it’s like buying a brand new car! I mean, if you put it in the garage for 31 years… it might not start up the next morning!

Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly. Don’t you remember that poem that you wrote me? The first one, where you said: “Love is like the whirling of the universe in two people’s eyes.” You meant that, didn’t you?

Billy: Yeah, yeah! Of course, I meant that. Of course. But this is a different situation, Sharon…

Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly! As long as we love each other.

Billy: No, but you don’t seem to know what the problem is, Sharon. I don’t think you understand, Sharon.

Sharon: I think you’re making it too important.

Billy: You don’t see the position that I’m in now. I mean, the onus, honey — the onus is now on me to be INCREDIBLE! I’ve got to be INCREDIBLE now! I’m not incredible, honey!

Sharon: I don’t care!

Billy: I know, Sharon, but it’s your first time. Your first time should be good.

Sharon: I won’t know the difference!

Billy: [ the light bulb flicks on ] That’s true… that’s true. What the hell are you gonna compare it to! [ he takes her hands ] Hey, and you know something, honey? I have to be incredible sometimes! [ she laughs with him ] Oh, you’re right… maybe you’re right.

Sharon: You know, I always wondered how people got from standing up with their clothes on to lying down naked.

Billy: [ thinking ] Oh… we got a long night ahead of us, don’t we? I got an idea that’ll make it easier. Why don’t I start taking something off first, and then you can start to take something off, and then we’ll work our way down. Four hours will go. Let’s go. Come on, come and sit here on my lap. Come on, Sharon. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.

Sharon: Okay. [ she sits on his lap ]

Billy: Okay, now don’t be freaked out by these rolls on my sides — they’re called love handles, okay? [ she stands ] Sharon, come on, it’ll be okay…

Sharon: No, Billy, I can’t…

Billy: No, come on, it’s okay!

Sharon: Ican’t, I can’t… [ she climbs on the chair ]

Billy: What are you doing?

Sharon: LAY DOWN, I’m gonna JUMP ON YOU!!

Billy: [ he lays down flat ] ALRIGHT!!

[ she dives off the chair and lands on top of him victoriously ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

She’s A Pig

Peter…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ellen…..Mary Gross
Paulette Clooney…..Robin Duke
Peter’s Mother…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. Peter sits alone at a booth as Ellen passes by. ]

Ellen: Peter?

Peter: [ surprised ] Ellen.

Ellen: I don’t believe this! Of all people — well, fancy this!

Peter: It’s good to see you. [ she sits in his booth ] Um… why don’t you join me, for a few moments?

Ellen: Well, I can only stay a few moments — I’m off to meet a client. I suppose you, too, are meeting someone?

Peter: Yes, uh… my fiancee.

Ellen: Oh. Well… how lovely. I’m very happy for you.

Peter: So, how are you?

Ellen: Oh… [ she laughs nervously ]

Peter: What’s so funny?

Ellen: Oh, nothing. It’s just that I’ve really dreaded this moment.

Peter: Well, so have I.

Ellen: It seems so strange to see someone that you’ve been intimate with. It makes you feel as if you’ve never known the person at all. But you have! But you act like you don’t! It just seems so strange… so different… so formal. [ she smiles ] So, how have you been? [ she laughs ]

Peter: Fine. I’ve changed! I golf!

Ellen: Oh, you do? How interesting.

Peter: Yeah, I suppose. [ they laugh ] And yourself?

Ellen: Oh, nothing much. I slashed my wrist. [ she holds up her wrist, as Peter looks concerned ] Oh, don’t worry, it was nothing — just a Lady Gillette. I went straight to the hospital, and they put a Band-aid on it.

Peter: Oh.

Ellen: Oh, Peter! Don’t be so dramatic! It’s something I’vealways wanted to say I’ve done! [ she laughs ]

Peter: Well, I-I don’t want you to think it was easy for me. I was pretty devastated, too. It took someone very special to help me get over that rough time. And I-I-I’ve found someone. She’s… she’s quite a woman. She’s a real woman. Her name’s Paulette. We’re so different, now. We’re worlds apart. It shouldn’t work, but it does.

Ellen: Well, congratulations! I suppose I would have preferred to have found you down and out, lying in a gutter. Well, maybe not a gutter… but sitting on a curb looking sad.

Peter: Well, Paulette is truly a remarkable woman.

Ellen: Nice segueway.

Peter: She’s so full of life, uh…

[ suddenly, Paulette appears behind them, annoyed by Ellen’s presence ]

Paulette: Who the HELL are you?!

Peter: [ surprised ] Paulette! Uh… uh, this is Ellen.

Paulette: Don’t try to worm your way out of it! Where the HELL were you?! [ she crashes into the booth ] Jeez! I was sitting down at the Cafe Ole for tow hours waiting for you, like some kind of a NUT! Where the HELL where you?! I’ll tell you THIS much — on top of that, I got all these GREASEBALLS hitting on me! [ she points to Ellen ] I’ll tell you — a single broad CANNOT enjoy a drink alone these days! Am I right? [ Ellen nods sheepishly ]

Paulette: [ to Peter ] So, anyway, listen to this — [ she removes her fur coat, revealing a strapless bra hanging on for dear life ] This one moose comes up to me — right? — tells me he’ll give me twenty bucks to pull my top out like this: [ she pulls her bra out, as Peter looks away ] So I SMASHED him in the FACE! [ she laughs ] Oh, geez, look at that! I broke a nail! [ she dips her nail in Peter’s drink, wipes it with a napkin, then rubs the napkin under her arm ]

Peter: I left a message at your hotel.

Paulette: Well, I didn’t GO to my hotel! Okay? I thought it was on for the Cafe Ole! Geez, you’re lucky I seen you through the window of this joint, I was headin’ home! [ she looks at Ellen ] Who’s the dame?

Peter: This is Ellen. I introduced her already.

Paulette: Oh, cut me a break, would you, Petey? Why’d I ask “Who’s the dame?” if you told me already?

Peter: [ exasperated ] Paulette, this is Ellen; Ellen, Paulette.

Ellen: Charmed.

Paulette: Yeah, I’m sure. [to Peter ] Where’s the can?

Peter: [ pointing ] Across the lobby and down the stairs.

Paulette: Yeah, well, order me a couple of drafts, babe. Black, if they got ’em. Okay? I’m going to the toilet to turn myself up a bit. [ to Ellen ] Hey — no offense, toots!

[ Paulette exits to the bathroom ]

Ellen: She’s a pig! [ Peter gives her a dirty look ] But not in the bad sense, though. It’s just that she’s so… so bovine.

Peter: [ annoyed ] You’re being sarcastic!

Ellen: Right! Why bother to wait? It’s only sarcasm. She’s a pig!

Peter: You know, first impressions are —

Ellen: First impressions are usually right on the money, Petey — she’s a pig!

Peter: Well, why don’t you just knock it off, huh? You’re jealous, that’s all!

Ellen: Cut me a break, will ‘ya? We’re talking USDA! We’re talking pork on the hoof!

Peter: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!

Ellen: Again? Yeah, well, I better make room for the sty.

Peter: Wait a minute! You just wait! She’s WONDERFUL! She’s full of life! She can drink ANY guy under the table!

Ellen: Such a rare quality these days. Peter, I’m sorry. Listen, uh, can I buy you a drink? No hard feelings, okay? [ Peter nods ] Okay! Uh, Waiter? A dry martini for the gentleman, and could you pour a keg of beer in a trough for the lady?

Peter: [ aggravated ] You just don’t understand! She — she can take me places I’ve never been before!

Ellen: Yeah? Well, I hope they have penicillin there!

Peter: That’s ENOUGH, alright?!

Ellen: Peter, I just don’t understand. You’re educated, you’re sophisticated — we never missed a Bergman flick or a gallery opening. We hit all the major exhibits and all the —

Peter’s Mom: Petey, baby!

Peter: [ caught off-guard ] Mom!

[ Mom is dressed like an older Paulette ]

Peter’s Mom: Petey, look at you — you’re still dressed like a SISSY! [ she looks at Ellen ] This the dame you wanted me to meet?

Peter: No, no, no… this is Ellen. An old friend. She was just leaving.

Ellen: Goodbye, Peter. [ she oinks before leaving ]

Peter’s Mom: Hey, Petey — where’s the can?

Peter: It’s, uh… it’s across the lobby and down the stairs, Mom.

Peter’s Mom: okay. Listen — order me a couple of drafts, alright…?

[ camera zooms out, then fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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