Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Nick “Sands”

Nick…..Bill Murray
John Thompson…..John Belushi
Cliff Morton…..Bill Kreutzmann
…..Paul Shaffer
Earl King…..Garrett Morris
Barfly #1…..Laraine Newman
Barfly #2…..Gilda Radner
“Secretariat”…..Buck Henry
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd

[FADE IN on a bar with a desert mural painted on the far wall. In the foreground, the bartender briefly speaks with a lanky brunette in a white leopard print backless dress. Jazzy piano music is heard as Nick, dressed in a red leisure suit studded with rhinestones, walks in and sets an empty beer mug behind the bar.]

Nick “Sands”:”I been through the desert on a horse with no name,It felt good to get outta the ra-ainnnnnn…

[The audience hoots and applauds as Nick picks up two full beer mugs.]

Nick “Sands”:
“In the DESERT!
You can’t remember your name,
Cause there ain’t no one
For to give you no paaaainnn…”

[He sets the mugs on a crowded table.]

Nick “Sands”:
“La-la-LAAAAAAAAAA, la-la-la-laaaa…
La-la-laaaaaaaaa…
LAAAA-la-aaaaaaaaaaa……”

[applause]

Nick “Sands”: Thank you! Hey, for those of you who just came in, welcome to Nick Sands’ Strip North Oasis, located here on Nevada 287, which feeds into 15A, which winds on down into Las Vegas, and is therefore, technically, The Strip. Hence, The Strip North. Hey, we’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and I see we’ve already got some regulars here! Hey, I know I’ve seen you guys before, let’s treat ’em like a regular thing, huh? Hey, pardner, what’s your handle?

[He sticks the mike in front of a guy in a CAT tractor cap and work clothes.]

John Thompson: Uh, John Thompson in Winnemucca.

Nick “Sands”: [turning to the other worker] And who are you, fella?

John Thompson: Cliff Morton. Bakersfield, California.

Nick “Sands”: All right, and what brings you guys back to The Strip North?

John Thompson: First time we came here, uh, we were thirsty, and I had to make a phone call. This time we had a flat tire out front.

[laughter]

Nick “Sands”: That is too bad. [turns around] Hey, let’s play our game with ’em, Paul.

[Paul launches into a new piano line.]

Nick “Sands”: A round of beers for you guys if you can guess the name of this song.

Nick “Sands”: [singing]
“Ah, who’s the black dick
Who’s the sex machine to all the chicks?”

[laughter]

Nick “Sands”: “SHAFT!”

[He turns and struts up to Paul at the piano.]

Nick “Sands”: “You see, this cat Shaft is a bad mother–“

Paul: “Shut your mouth!”

[laughter]

Nick “Sands”:
“Well, I’m talking about Shaft!
He’s a complicated man,
Nobody understands him
But his old ladyyyyyy…
JOHN Shaft.”

Nick “Sands”: Hey, you think you got a clue? [sticks mike in John’s face]

John Thompson: “Shaft.”

Nick “Sands”: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, he got it! [to bartender] Hey, “Shaft,” get a round of beers for this table over here!

Bartender: Well, I think it was a lucky guess, but I’ll do it if you say so, Nick. [serves up two beers]

Nick “Sands”: Well, I’m sorry we didn’t have a BOARD meeting on it, Earl! Earl King, our bartender. I know you OWN five percent of the Strip North, but I own TWENTY percent, so just do it, will ya? [more quietly] We have four owners, and we all share the work, and right now I’m doing MY twenty percent for YOU people.

[reaches back for beers]

Nick “Sands”: Here you are, a couple of brewskies on Nick Sands.

[sets beers on table]

Nick “Sands”: [to Cliff] Hey….. Who wrote “Your Cheatin’ Heart”?

Cliff Morton: Hank Williams.

Nick “Sands”: Ah, here’s a Slim Jim for ya! [sets a Slim Jim on the table] Ha, ha, ha! Hey, what do you guys do, do ya work around here, is that it?

John Thompson: Uh, well, y’know, uhhhh, we got an auto, uh, an auto car semi, y’know, and, uh, we’re haulin’ gypsum… 3-rock ’bout a hundred and eighty miles from here. You know that big gray cloud, uh, you see as you come in?

Nick “Sands”: Sure.

John Thompson: That’s from the gypsum mine.

[piano cue]

Nick “Sands”: Well, John, Cliff, this is for you and everybody in the increasingly important gypsum industry.

[starts dancing]

Nick “Sands”:
“I’m workin’ in a gypsum mine,
Goin’ down, down, down,
Workin’ in a gypsum mine, OOOOOO! [tosses and catches microphone]
Got to FLIP DOWN!
Workin’ in a gypsum mine,
Goin’ down, down, down… [slinks down toward floor]
Workin’ in a gypsum mine, OOOOOO! [tosses and catches microphone]
I got to flip dooowww-HOOOOOWWWNN!!”

Nick “Sands”: Hey, gypsum: damn fine industry in this state of Nevada. Hey, Paul? Hey, “fifteen percent!” Ha-ha, ha-ha! Paul and I were talking… and y’know, it’s the lack of humidity out here that’s the saving grace. I’m from Illinois–back there, 95 degrees, I wilt. Out here–a hundred and fifteen, and I’m fine. But you know, it gets a hundred twenty-five, a hundred and thirty, and you cannot get me out of this air-conditioned cinder block, ha ha! [turns to side table] What do you think about that, gals? What brings you all to The Strip North?

Barfly #1: [in a drunken voice] Our husbands have gone huntin’, so we girls here are havin’ a little weekend of our own! [clinks glasses with others] YA-HOOOOOO!!!!!

Barfly #2: We’re just gettin’ warmed UP, Golden Throat!

[She stands up, cradles Nick’s neck, and leans drunkenly against him.]

Nick “Sands”: Well, I’m glad you like the material. [slides out of her arms] Well, uh, who is THIS guy, anyway?

Barfly #1: Uh, he works fer me, I call him Secretariat! HAH-HAH-HAH!!! [touches his cheek]

Barfly #2: That’s right, but tonight he’s workin’ fer BOTH of us!!

Nick “Sands”: [chuckling] Well, good luck, little filly, you’re gonna NEED it. They look like they mean business. HA HA HA HA. Ah, ha ha!

Barflies: YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!!!

Nick “Sands”: Here’s to you two kids.

[ENTER a man in a vest and a plaid shirt with a dead snake in his hands.]

Nick “Sands”: UH-OH!! Here is another “SNO” co-owner, Jimmy Joe “Ten Percent” Red Sky! Hey, lookit THIS guy.

[Jimmy Joe teasingly shakes the dead snake in a barfly’s face.]

Nick “Sands”: “J.J. Ten,” of course, is a full-blooded Ojibwa [sic], and… the Indian, if nothing else, was a builder, and I love that, I’ve always loved that. He built this place, he put in the plumbing, he built the parking lot. Hey, what’ve you got here, anyway?

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Nick, this is the vicious desert sidewinder: the most dangerous snake in da whole state o’ Nevada!

Nick “Sands”: Yike, how did you get it?

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: I backed over him with da pickup truck!

[laughter]

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Ya see, he was windin’ to the side when I did it. Y’know, at night, these snakes, dey, dey like to crawl out on the asphalt, y’know, ’cause it’s still warm, den dey relax one eye, so watch it dere when you go in da parkin’ lot, ya never know where dey are. I gotta get myself a drink.

Nick “Sands”: Well, thank you, Jimmy Joe, I think it’s an old Indian story. Hey, how ’bout some firewater for my architect, please? I tell ya, out in the parking lot, kick some stones under your car before you get there, that lets ’em know you’re getting there.

[Earl the bartender clangs a bell behind the bar.]

Nick “Sands”: Uh-oh, that’s the bad news bell here at “SNO.” Yeah. See, we have a limited liquor license here, because we are 200 yards outside of the zoning area, which wouldn’t let us stay open all night. So we gotta close at 11:00 now, but we are working on our 2:00 papers, and then hopefully the 24-hour license–but we gotta throw ya out now.

Nick “Sands”: [singing]”‘Cause when we get behiiiiiii-iind clooooooooosed doooooo-oo-oo-ors…”

Nick “Sands”: [to barflies] C’mon, girls, drink up! Drink up! C’mon! Take a bow!

Nick “Sands”: [singing]”That’s when I let my haaaaaaaaaaair haaaaaaaaaaaang low–“

Nick “Sands”: [to miners] LET’S GO, PEOPLE!!! TIME TO FACE REALITY!!! LET’S GO!!!

[The lanky woman at the bar gives Cliff a smoldering glance while the patrons all scurry out.]

Nick “Sands”: [singing]”And she makes me GLAAAAAAAAAD that IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’M a MAAAAA-AA-AAAAAAAN–“

Nick “Sands”: C’mon, they’re very tough on us, please, move it on!

[Jimmy Joe starts putting up chairs and picking up glasses as the last of the customers exit.]

Nick “Sands”: [singing]
“‘Cause NO ONE KNOOOOOOWS
WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOO-OSED DOOO-OOOOOOOOORS…”

[Nick shuts the door behind them as the audience starts to applaud.]

Nick “Sands”: [singing]
“BEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINND…
CLOOOOOOOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOOOOOSED….
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORS!!!!!”

[FADE to a wide shot of 8H. SUPERIMPOSE, “coming up next… The Joy of Hoarseness.” FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Well, thank you very much, it is WONDERFUL to be back here. It’s wonderful to be back for, I don’t know, the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth — whatever time it is that I’m doing it. [ the audience applauds ] And, uh — these are the BEST people to work with in the world. Now, I’m not saying this, not because I’ve been here so many times, but because they are… they are dear friends of mine and I am in awe of them. And the fact that they recognize that I am someone that can come back time and time again, in order to entertain you, has nothing to do with that feeling on my part. It’s simply my recognition, I think, that perhaps I lend a comedic sense to this show that is not easily gotten.

[ SUPER: “Sometimes when Buck does his monologue, we run words under him. This is called a “crawl”; it gives the audience something to think about while Buck is talking.” ]

Buck Henry: I mean, you have comics who come on the show, and they tell jokes, they’re aiming to make you laugh — and you have comedians, actors who do comedy, comedy actors who perform. They do things that are immediately recognizable as mirth-provoking, as laugh-giving. My technique is somewhat different. I — I don’t want to lean on this, but I think the point is that I think funny. I think funny, and I can — I believe I can recognize a humorous sitation when I see it. And I think that’s my value to the show.

[ SUPER: “We had planned on writing a crawl for Buck earlier this week, but somehow something always seemed to come up. Besides, we were still exhausted from the last show with Steve Martin. We really pushed ourselves last week, but then, Steve is so great, it’s worth all the effort.” ]

Buck Henry: Even here now, just talking to you, obviously, I think it’s possible for you to sense the humorousness in the situation of my simply telling you about comedy. Now, it’s not that I — I present myself as an expert any more than the people that do these things.

[ SUPER: “It’s different with Buck. There’s not all that pressure to do a “great show”. He’s not one of those perfectionists. He’s low-key. Very low-key. For us, a Buck Henry show is sort of midway between a show and a week off.” ]

Buck Henry: I think you have to understand that what I do is unique only in that it is ME doing it. It’s not — it’s not that just anybody can stand here and do it. They have to understand that, each week, someone different comes out here and present to you a point of view, persona, a mode of behavior, if you will. I — I could analyze it at some length.

[ SUPER: “Of course, next week the pressure starts all Carrie Fisher hosts. We’re really excited about Carrie, and we’ve already started work. Some of us have seen STAR WARS six times this week! True! It really holds up. Watch.” ]

[ footage from “Star Wars”, as Buck continues to talk up in the left corner of the screen ]

Buck Henry: There are comics, as I’ve said… there are comedians… there are comedic forms of behavior… and, of course, there is a fourth type — a clown. Now, the clown we can go into later — that is a whole different comic aspect. That’s a kind of person who does something that doesn’t fit into the other categories. And I think the thing to understand is that each of these people, in their own way, can find a method for you to respond to something specific, something particular that they do, but something you can recognize as part of — what can I call it? — the, uh, human condition. Something that WILL keep you interested, AS you’ve been interested through my entire speech here tonight.

[ dissolve back to Buck alone on stage ]

Buck Henry: And it’s not just because you’re waiting for something to happen, it’s not because I use tricks — I don’t.

[ SUPER: “OK, what do you think of this idea for the Carrie Fisher show:

STAR WHORES — Carrie plays a hooker from outer space.” ]

Buck Henry: I’m simply appealing to you, as human beings, talking to you as one person to another, so you can understand exactly — [ the audience cheers at the above joke ] Exactly! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! That kind of response! And I understand it, and I appreciate it!

[ SUPER: “Or, how about this:

CAR WARS — It’s like Star Wars only they drive cars.” ]

Buck Henry: In the same way that you understand and appreciate what I’m trying to say to you.

[ SUPER: “Or, STAR BORES — It’s about celebrities who are really boring.

Actually, that would have been a nice one for Buck.” ]

Buck Henry: Because there is no difference between entertainment and education and information. We’re all part of the same subject, part of the same thing, and — well. I just don’t know what else to say about this, except that you’ve been very patient and very wonderful to listen to everything I’ve had to say on this subject. I hope you’ve learned, uh — as much as I’ve learned from you. In the futire, when we’re all here together again, I know we’ll be able to talk more about this, and be able to deal with it on EVEN deeper levels! You’re a fine, intelligent group.

[ SUPER: “If you liked any of the ideas for the Carrie Fisher show, or have some of your own, write to:

Ideas for Carrie
N.B.C.
New York, N.Y.

We don’t know the zip, but you can get it from the Post Office.” ]

[ the audience applauds ]

Buck Henry: Thank you, uh — we’ll be right back after THIS message.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Hunkler Headquarters

…..Laraine Newman
Dennis V. Hunkler…..Bill Murray
Victoria…..Gilda Radner
Bill Temple…..Garrett Morris
Betty Crane…..Jane Curtin
Staffer…..Alan Zweibel
Staffer…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Laraine Newman standing before a political podium at the Ramada Inn ]

Laraine Newman: This Laraine Newman, here at Hunkler Headquarters, in the small ballroom of the Ramada Inn, and the mood is somber. Hunkler, of course, is the congressional candidate who gained national attention by divorcing his wife of twelve years to marry a campaign aide, only to have the marriage annulled when it was revealed the girl was a minor. Evidently, voters did not buy Hunkler’s explanation that it was “an honest mistake”, because it appears that he has lost the congressional election by a record margin. In fact, not only will Hunkler’s opponent be the FIRST Republican in memory to WIN this traditionally Democratic seat, but it will be the first time that the Democrats have been outpolled by the Socialist Workers Party.

Hunkler trailed last evening; he trailed throughout the night; he continued to trail today; and, finally, this evening, with 99 of the precincts in, Hunkler’s staff has announced that he’s ready to concede. [ she looks behind her ] Oh — here he comes now.

[ Laraine steps out of frame, as the camera zooms closer to candidate Dennis V. Hunkler, now standing behind the podium and surrounded by his staff ]

[ the crowd applauds and cheers ]

Dennis V. Hunkler: Thank you. [ sullenly ] My campaign manager has informed me that… even if I got every single vote in the remaining precinct, and every single absentee ballot… it is mathematically impossible for me to win.

Crowd: NO!! NO!!

Dennis V. Hunkler: Yeah — we lost. A few moments ago, I sent my opponent this telegram:

Crowd: NO!!

Dennis V. Hunkler: [ reading ] “Dear Congressman-Elect Trimble: My campaign manager has informed me that even if I get every single remaining vote, it is stillmathematically impossible for me to win. So here is the congratulatory telegram that I’m supposed to send. Sincerely, Dennis V. Hunkler.”

[ the crowd claps lightly ]

Dennis V. Hunkler: Now, I’d like to thank all those people who worked so hard —

Crowd: YEAH!! YEAH!!

Dennis V. Hunkler: My new girlfriend, Victoria, who has… stood by me. She stood by me in these past ten days, since the annullment.

My good friend Bill Temple, who helped me get the vote out in the Black community. Bill was the guy who got Coretta King to fly here to endorse me. And, Bill, let me take this opportunity, once again, to apologize for punching Mrs. King in the stomach. All I can say is, I — I had had a rough day, I was cranky, and I just did not recognize her. I’m sorry.

Uh — Betty Crane, my press secretary. Betty bore the brunt of a LOT of bad criticism I received after I accused my opponent of being an illegal alien. Once again, I was under a LOT of pressure, it was a televised debate — I just PANICKED! You know, I thought I could really get him with that one. [ he kisses Betty on the forehead ]

This has not been the easiest campaign. I have mde some mistakes. Any time you rely on your instincts, you’re bound to make mistakes. Perhaps “Let’s Raise Property Taxes Sky High” was not the best theme for a campaign in 1978. Uhhh — and we lost some time, early in the campaign — four months, to be exact — fulfilling my pledge to walk the state. [ scattered applause ] I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it. But, perhaps here, in a state like Montana, I would have been better off driving or even flying the state. But I’ve learned from my mistakes, and one thing I DO know is that I’ll be back in two years. [ cheers ] And, next time, WE’LL be the ones with 86%, and Mr. Trimble will be the one with 6%!

[ the crowd cheers loudly, as the camera pulls back to Laraine ]

Laraine Newman: Well, there you have it: A concession speech from Dennis V. Hunkler. But perhaps a ray of hope for the future. This has been Laraine Newman, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Thanks to the Grateful Dead! Good night, see you all next week. Thank you!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Carrie Fisher, with musical guest The Blue Brothers. This is Don Pardo, answering thousands of requests by saying: “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

More Flu to Worry About

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Ike Bodanza…..Buck Henry

[ opening graphics ]

[ dissolve to Joan Face ]

Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Flu to Worry About”. I’m your host, Joan Face, and tonight’s guest, Dr. Ike Bodanza, is well known for his work in isolating new strains of flu virus. Dr. Bodanza, it already seems like there’s been one flu scare after another: Asian Flu, Swine Flu, Russian Flu. And now, pathologists predict that in the ’80’s, entire populations will be WIPED OUT by massive flu epidemics. You know, like the Bubonic Plague in the Middle Ages?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ chuckling ] Ye-es! There’s no point in sugarcoating the truth, Miss Face. When it comes to flu, the ’80’s are gonna be pretty grim.

Joan Face: Well, Dr. Bodanza, the viewers of this show don’t tune in to listen to fairy tales. By and large, they’re either flu specialists or hypochondriacs — and they want to hear the worst.

Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ excited ] Good! Because people who just want to hear about the mild, gentle, good flus make me sick!

Joan Face: Okay! So what’s the most horrible of the new Fall flus?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, alright — hold on a minute. I’d hate to single one out, when there are so many. There’s Danish Flu, Pakistani Flu, the Toad Flu —

Joan Face: Toad Flu! Now, isn’t that the one where, instead of vomiting and diarrhea, everything backs up and down inside your body until you explode?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Exactly! It’s a grisly business for the close relatives, Miss Face.

Joan Face: [ she chuckles ] Oh, yes, I know. My aunt had it. It was terrible, we had to re-paper the entire house!

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Now, I KNOW you want to ask me about this one.

Joan Face: If it’s about flu, I do.

Dr. Ike Bodanza: The most disturbing new microbe of all: the Australian Flu. This is one stunningly obnoxious virus.

Joan Face: Really? Go on.

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, first off: They love to travel. This virus can’t wait to get out of Australia, and into your body — and who can blame them?

Joan Face: Well, has it, uh — has it reached America yet?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Miss Face, at present there are THREE carriers of Australian Flu living in the United States.

Joan Face: Really! You keep tabs on them?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Absolutely.

Joan Face: Well, who are they!

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Olivia Newton-John, Helen Reddy, and Lana Cantrell.

Joan Face: Well, how did you pin it down on them?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: We observed the highest incidence of infection occurred whenever Olivia, Helen, or Lana did a club date.

Joan Face: Well, what about the millions and millions of children going to see “Grease” five, six, seven times?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: No, no, no. It’s only spread through personal appearances.

Joan Face: Oh, thank God. Well, what are these symptoms of Australian Flu?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Imagine, if you will, Miss Face, a tiny 747 jam-packed with Australian tourists — viruses who have never left home before landing in your respiratory system. And while you’re contemplating THAT… think about a continent with only one country on it!

Joan Face: Why? What does that have to do with anything?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: I don’t know… I just always thought it was stupid.

Joan Face: Alright! Well, back to the Australian Flu — how long does it last?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, it’s a 21-day excursion flu. Let me put it this way: To your virus — to THIS virus — your body is a Club Med for microbes. They have NO respect for the human host.

Joan Face: Well, who is the ideal host?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: I’d still have to say Johnny Carson. [ he laughs at his joke; Joan laughs with him ] But back to the Australian Flu. I think you have to understand its mentality. These microbes are on vacation. They don’t care about you, they just want to live out their fantasies — whether it’s climbing on a white corpuscle and surfing through the bloodstream, or just lounging in the islets of Langerhans.

Joan Face: Well, you have to admit Australians are good travelers!

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Ah, but they try to do too MUCH! They want to see everything the first day. I mean, the schedule is unrealistic. Listen to this schedule, for example: 8:00 to 9:00, breakfast in the brain; 9:00 to 10:00, a hike in the thighs; 10:00 to 12:00, shopping in the kidneys; and noon, lunch in the small intestines, or, as they like to call it: au petit colon.

Joan Face: Whew! What a pace! I couldn’t do it!

Dr. Ike Bodanza: That’s just the morning! It never lets up: Happy hour in the tongue, disco dancing in the feet — if there’s time and they still have the energy, they’ll take in a toenail! It’s crazy! It’s crazy!

Joan Face: [ laughing ] It is crazy, I admit it! But wait a minute, I just remembered I know someone who SAW Lana Cantrell at the Rainbow Grill! Does that mean this person contracted the flu?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: Absolutely.

Joan Face: Well, what can they do?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: What can they do? [ he chuckles ] Make the best of it, that’s what I’d do. Become a tourist trap: Overcharge the little suckers! If you make it too inviting, they’ll never leave! Give ’em bad accomodations, slow room service — they HATE slow room service, Miss Face.

Joan Face: Well, who doesn’t, Dr. Bodanza?

Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] It’s the only way to do it…

Joan Face: I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have on “More Flu to Worry About”.

Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] Don’t allow them any ice…

Joan Face: Thank you, and good night.

Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] Give them a hard time… don’t make up their bed…

[ camera pulls up to show logo on above wall ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5

78e: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

Rovco Chinch Ranch

Pitchman…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Bill Murray
…..Laraine Newman

Pitchman: Hello! I’m Lane Brethren, and I’d like to share with you the most EXCITING home profit enterprise of the century. Yes, for the first time ever, the secrets of professional chinchilla breeders are available to YOU, through this amazing introductory offer from Rovco!

[ he holds up a series of cards, which he flips as he speaks ]

The Rovco Chinch Ranch, home chinchilla breeding kit. Come on, fellas, now how many times have the ladies in your life asked you for a chinchilla coat? You had to reply, “Honey, I can’t afford it!” Well, now with Rovco’s Chinch Ranch, you AND your family can raise and breed this rare and valuable South American rodent right in your own home.

The Rovco Chinch Ranch has ALL the elements of a professional chinchilla farm. This compact profit-making package includes two healthy, five-week old chinchilla — a male and one female. You also get this roomy, pre-fabricated chinchilla high-rise, where your chinches will breed and mature, in less than a year, into beautiful and valuable creatures. And, friends, you will be fully equipped when the time comes, because Rovco’s Chinch Ranch features the patented Chinch-King Chinch Harvester, a brand new advancement in chinchilla hide extrusion.

Are you saying: “I could never, personally, skin a chinchilla”? Well, let’s just let a couple of Rovco chinch ranchers show us how fast and easy it really is.

[ wipe to suburban couple in their apartment, overlooking various cages of chinchilla ]

Pitchman V/O: When you remove your mature chinches from their high-rise home — [ Male Rancher pulls the chinchilla out ] simply use the patented Chinch-King chinchilla harvester to extrude the rodent’s beautiful pelts.

[ they place the chinchilla inisde the harvester, flip the switch, and watch as ground meats spills out one end and a beautiful pelt comes out the other ]

Pitchman V/O: Isn’t that amazing! That’s how fast and easy it really is!

[ Female Rancher retrieves the pelt from the machine, then crosses the room to her sewing machine and an in-the-works chinchilla coat ]

Pitchman V/O: Then, you at home, can use your sewing machine to fasten the pelts into the rare and magnificent garment you always dreamed of owning. [ she wraps the coat around her body ] Isn’t that beautiful!

[ Male Rancher steps forward with a plate of chinchilla burgers ]

Pitchman V/O: And, for a limited time, with this TV offer only, we’ve been allowed to reveal this additional professional secret: Chinchilla meat is ADIA-approved for human consumption.

Female Rancher: [ biting into the burger ] Wow! That’s great chinch!

Male Rancher: This chinch tastes like chicken!

Female Rancher: Mmm!

[ Pitchman appears in oval in corner of screen, as the couple eat ]

Pitchman: Rovco Chinch Ranch home chinchilla breeding kit, now $89.95 — that’s $89.95. Order now and receive two free booklets: “100 Chinchilla Fur Patterns”, and “20 Ways to Prepare and Serve Chinch”. It’s a cinch to ranch chinch, with Rovco!

[ SUPER: “Send $89.95 to
Rovco Chinch Ranch
Pier 26, N.Y., N.Y.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 11th, 1978

Buck Henry

The Grateful Dead

None

None

Brian Doyle-Murray

Alan Zweibel

Paul Shaffer

Anne Beatts

Andy Murphy

Jim Downey

Tom Schiller
Hunkler HeadquartersSummary: While giving his concession speech, candidate Dennis V. Hunkler (Bill Murray) makes it clear that he’s well-aware of his campaign mistakes.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Boring Buck Henry is replaced by “Star Wars” previews as he rambles on and on.

Also Hosted: 75j, 75j, 75u, 76f, 76v, 77f, 77t, 78t, 79d, 79t.

Transcript

Rovco Chinch RanchSummary: Rovco spokesman (Dan Aykroyd) shows how to grow and handle your own fur.

Transcript

Samurai OptometristSummary: Mr. Dantley (Henry) seeks a new pair of tortoise-shell reading glasses from Futaba (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

Uncle RoySummary: While parents Arthur (Dan Aykroyd) and Betty (Jane Curtin) go out to see “Foul Play”, starring Chevy Chase, babysitter Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) keeps a lascivious eye on Terri (Laraine Newman) and Tracy (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Arthur, Betty, Terri, Tracy.

Transcript

The Grateful Dead performs “Casey Jones”Also Performed: 79o.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray interviews a choking Elizabeth Taylor (John Belushi). Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd perform a Point-Counterpoint debate on the Shah Pahlavi.

Recurring Characters: Elizabeth Taylor.

Transcript

Great PerformancesRecurring Characters: Jean Marsh.

Nick on the Strip NorthSummary: Nick “Sands” (Bill Murray) does his lounge act in a bar near Las Vegas.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.

Transcript

More Flu To Worry AboutSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) welcomes guest Dr. Ike Badenza (Buck Henry), who profiles the Australian Flu.

Recurring Characters: Joan Face.

Transcript

The Grateful Dead performs “I Need a Miracle” & “Good Lovin'”

St. Mickey’s Knights of ColumbusSummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) is a special guest at St. Mickey’s Knights of Columbus meeting.

Recurring Characters: Frank Leary, Jack Neehauser, Francis Jacko Leary, Jr., Chico Escuela.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Theodoric of York: Medieval Judge

Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin
Witch…..Laraine Newman
Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Townsman…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Townswoman…..Anne Beatts
Announcer…..Don Pardo
Reeve…..Dan Aykroyd
Guard #1…..Tom Davis
Guard #2…..Al Franken
Simpkin of Partridge…..Bill Murray
John the Tanner…..John Belushi
Witch’s Mother…..Jane Curtin

FADE IN:

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE – 12 TH CENTURY – DAY

SUPER: YORK, ENGLAND 1153

Various townspeople are gathered around a WITCH. BROOM GILDA stands behind the witch, pointing more and more at her. THEODORIC OF YORK is seated at a judicial bench/table where the witch leans against.

Broom Gilda: I saw her consorting with the devil!!

Townsman: No calves have been born since she moved here!!

Townswoman: She’s a witch! Burn her!

Crowd: BURN HER! BURN HER! BURN HER!

[ Theodoric rises up. ]

Theodoric of York: Wait a minute! Wait!! What are we!? Barbarians!? This is the 12th century! Just as long as I’m the justicard of this shire, everyone will be giving a fair trial according to the laws of England!

[ Theodoric cocks his head up. ]

BLACK SCREEN

SUPER: THEODORIC OF YORK – MEDIEVAL JUDGE

Announcer (V/O): Theodoric of York – Medieval Judge.

[ REEVE, a knight/town crier, opens a scroll. ]

Reeve: Hereby! Let it be known to all, Theodoric of York, the justicard of the realm, will preside this day, to here all writs to dispute all claims and thereof of the shire!

Theodoric of York: Now! Who saw this woman consort with the devil!?

Broom Gilda: It was I! Broom Gilda.

[ Broom Gilda approaches Theodoric. ]

Broom Gilda: I was driving home the Abbotts’ oxen last night and I saw her! By the river! Talking freely with Satan!!

[ The witch sobs. Theodoric raises his arms. ]

Theodoric of York: How do you know it was Satan!? What form did he take?

Broom Gilda: A leather-winged griffin!

Theodoric of York: Hh-mm… That’s the devil all right! How do you answer these charges!?

Witch: I was gathering wood when a wandering troubadour stopped me and asked me where he might find food. I told him I didn’t know where, but offered him some goose liver I had in my pocket.

[ Broom Gilda grabs the witch’s braided ponytail. ]

Broom Gilda: You liar! You bitch!!

[ The crowd gets riled. ]

Theodoric of York: Hold! Hold! The law is clear in such matters. Let us consult the writ of common wisdom…Reeve!

[ Reeve fetches a large, black leather-bounded reference manual and holds it in the air. ]

Reeve: The writ of common wisdom!

[ Reeve places it before Theodoric. Theodoric paces through it. ]

Theodoric of York: Okay. Let’s see… Befoulment of wells… Boar pouching… Consorting with dames… Consorting with yourself… Aha! Consorting with the devil. All right, this is very clear in here. It’s in Latin, so I’ll put it to you in layman’s English – – we’re going to have to throw you in the trough of justice!

[ Two GUARDS tie the witch’s hands in rope. ]

Theodoric of York: And if you’re guilty, you’ll float on water. And if you’re innocent, you’ll sink. So you have nothing to fear!

[ The guards hoist the witch up and carry her to a hot water-filled trough. Theodoric follows them. ]

Theodoric of York: If the accused floats, that means the water has rejected her body. Of course, if the accused here sinks, that means the water has accepted her body… therefore she’s innocent.

[ The witch’s body has sunk to the bottom. Minimal air bubbles float up to the surface. No sign of life. Theodoric raises his arms. ]

Theodoric of York: Ah! Not guilty!

[ The crowd bickers and cheers equally. Theodoric returns to the bench. Reeve opens another scroll. SIMPKIN OF PARTRIDGE, a man in tattered clothes and unkempt hair, approaches the bench holding a piglet he’s also stroking. ]

Reeve: The case of Simpkin of Partridge versus the Thane of Brisbane! A sheriff arrested this man serving time when stealing swine while impersonating a free man.

Simpkin: Your justice – the charges are false. I was returning Charlotte here to the Thane and I really was made a free man yesterday as a travelling nobleman said ‘You’re free, go ahead’. If you let me go back to my home, I can come back with the documents for you.

Theodoric of York: You swear before this court that what you say is true?

[ Simpkin nods his head. ]

Simpkin: You’re damn right.

Theodoric of York: Well, there’s only one way to tell – remove his boots!

Reeve: Take the piglet! Take the pig!

[ Broom Gilda takes the piglet away from Simpkin. The guards lift Simpkin onto the bench and remove his boots. ]

Theodoric of York: You will take 10 paces on the burning coals of truth. If you’re telling the truth, your wounds will not fester!

[ A guard escorts Simpkin to a bed of burning coals. ]

Simpkin: 10 paces, huh? Like Sugar Ray in the ring?

[ Simpkin steps on the coals and begins pacing. He shows no pain. ]

Simpkin: One, two, thr – aaahhh!

[ The guard removes Simpkin from the coals. ]

Simpkin: Okay. I was lying. I stole the pig. But I was so hungry and the taxes were so great.

Theodoric of York: Put him on the rack.

[ The guards tie Simpkin’s arms to a body-stretching rack. ]

Simpkin: My feet. My feet hurt.

[ The guards spin the rack’s wheel. Simpkin wails. ]

Simpkin: This is worse than the coals.

Reeve: Send in the accused! The case of John the Tanner versus Lord Coltchester!

[ JOHN THE TANNER saunters in. ]

Theodoric of York: John the Tanner – you have stood twice before this court. First, you were found guilty of theft and your right arm was cut off.

[ John raises what’s left of his right arm. ]

Theodoric of York: Then you were found guilty of lying and your tongue was cut out.

[ John makes odd oral motions with his mouth. ]

Theodoric of York: Now, you stand charged again. How do you plead?

[ John’s eyebrows raise. He jerks his head side-to-side, opens his palms, and shakes his head. ]

Theodoric of York: I see. And what’s this man accused of?

Reeve: Adultery.

[ Reeve passes an opened scroll to Theodoric. Theodoric glances over it. ]

Theodoric of York: Let’s see – adultery. You were found guilty of theft and your right arm was cut off. Uh… you were found guilty of lying and your tongue was cut out… Now… adultery…

[ Theodoric eyes the sky and strokes his chin. ]

Theodoric of York: The writ of common wisdom!

Reeve: The writ of common wisdom!

[ Reeve places the prior seen reference manual before Theodoric. ]

Theodoric of York: The punishment for adultery is… Oh, geez – I can’t read this publicly.

[ Theodoric hand-signals John for a whisper. Theodoric whispers and after, he and John grimace. The guards take John away. The WITCH’S MOTHER scurries to Theodoric. ]

Mother: They told me my daughter was here. They told me she was accused of consorting with the devil.

Theodoric of York: Congratulations! She was found innocent.

Mother: Oh Thank God! Where is she?

Theodoric of York: At the bottom of the trough of justice!

[ The mother trots over to the trough. ]

Theodoric of York: You see if the body is accepted by the water that means she’s not guilty.

[ The mother pulls out a soaked dress from the trough. ]

Mother: She’s dead!!

Theodoric of York: Well, she must have drowned from being under the water.

Mother: You call this justice!? An innocent girl dead?

Theodoric of York: Hey! God’s will!

Mother: Why don’t you just admit it!? You don’t know what you’re doing! And who are you to interpret God’s will!?

Simpkin: Yeah! By what right?

Theodoric of York: Well… the King. It’s the law.

Mother: Well, the law’s wrong. It should be changed.

Simpkin: You know, she’s right. There’s a point in what she’s saying.

[ Theodoric guides around the trough and to the center. ]

Theodoric of York: Wait a minute – perhaps she’s right. Maybe the King doesn’t have a monopoly on the truth. Maybe he should be judged by his peers. Oh! A jury! A jury of his peers. Of six good men! No wait! Eight good men! No!! Ten good men!! No, that’s not enough… 18 good men!! No, that’s TOO MANY. Let’s see… 11 good men! Wait! 13 good men! No… 11, 13, 11, 13… it doesn’t matter. Okay. But everyone should be tried by a jury of their peers and be equal before the law. And perhaps, every person should be free from cruel and unusual punishment.

[ Theodoric takes a brief pause. ]

Theodoric of York: Nah!!

Reeve: The Shire before the Court is now adjourned!!

[ Theodoric returns to the bench. ]

SUPER: THEODORIC OF YORK – MEDIEVAL JUDGE

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Annoying Waiter

…..Steve Martin
…..Gilda Radner
Waiter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Steve and Gilda seated at intimate table in a restaurant ]

Steve Martin: Boy, Gilda… it’s great to finally get out of that studio.

Gilda Radner: I’ll say.

Steve Martin: It’s nice to be able to spend some time with someone alone, Gilda. You know, this is the sixth show I’ve done, and, uh, I feel we’ve become good friends, almost kindred spirits.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, I know just how you feel, Steve.

Steve Martin: Gilda… there’s something I have to talk to you about.

Gilda Radner: Yeah?

[ suddenly, the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Your menus!

Gilda Radner: Oh… thank you.

Steve Martin: Thanks.

Waiter: You’re welcome. You know, I’m very honored to have you here. I’m a big fan of both of yours. You know, when I saw it was you and Miss Radner, I made sure the chef would stay an extra hour. We were about to close, but everything’s fine now.

Gilda Radner: Thank you very much. I can’t tell you how nice it is to eat in a restaurant alone.

Steve Martin: Thanks for keeping the place open for us.

Waiter: Okay. I’m sure you get bothered a lot, you know?

Steve Martin: Ah, sometimes. I’ll have the vegetable plate.

Waiter: Uh, may I recommend the lamb chops, they’re especially good.

Steve Martin: Well, I’m a vegetarian, so…

Waiter: [ trying to lighten the mood ] “Well, excu-u-u-u-u-use MEEEE!! [ he laughs alone ]

Gilda Radner: Uh, I’ll have the lamb chops.

Waiter: Uh, how would you like them?

Gilda Radner: Uh, well done.

Waiter: Oh… no… [ still trying to be funny ] “Rams are well hung. Lambs… are not well hung.”

Gilda Radner: I-I said “well done.”

Waiter: [ in a squeaky voice ] “Oh, never mind! [ he laughs as he retreats to the kitchen ]

Steve Martin: Uh, Gilda — my girlfriend and I are very close, and, uh, I’ve just been — well, I just found out that she has a very terminal illness, and I was wondering if you could help me with this very difficult period.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Steve… w-why that’s terrible… and, yet, it sounds very intriguing.

[ the waiter returns ]

Waiter: A complimentary bottle of wine, from me, the waiter, Richie Roberts… to a WILD AND CRAZY GUY!!! [ he laughs, then turns to Gilda ] And to a wild and cwazy… BABA WAWA!! Wight, Baba! [ he laughs as he walks away ]

Gilda Radner: Right… right… [ to Steve ] Uh, so how long does your girlfriend have to live?

Steve Martin: Uh, just a matter of months, maybe weeks. She’s the… she told me that you were the one girl she wouldn’t mind me seeing while she was dying.

Gilda Radner: Oh, she must be a wonderful, wonderful woman.[ the waiter stamps back to the table, singing “Happy Feet” as he carries the salads ]

Waiter: I hope you don’t find any toenails or boogers in the salad… Rosanne Rosannadanna! [ he chuckles ]

Steve Martin: Look, we appreciate what you’re doing, but we’re talking about something very intimate, and we’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t bother us, alright?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Waiter: “Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!”

Steve Martin: LOOK! Would you just LEAVE US ALONE and stop bothering us, please!

Waiter: “Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!”

Steve Martin: [ outraged ] KNOCK IT OFF!! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY!!!

Waiter: Aw, come on! Why did you go into show business, anyway?! To be famous, right?

Steve Martin: NO!! We wanted to be ARTISTS!!

Waiter: Well, then… why did you go on the Bob Hope special?

Steve Martin: [ stung ] Well… it’s Bob Hope’s special! You do that! Yuo do “THe Tonight Show”, everything! You do “Saturday Night Live” —

[ Steve continues to yell at the waiter, as time runs out, the audience cheers, and the final bumper appears onscreen ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Diana Ross…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi

Jane Curtin: The Surgeon General announces a new Asian flu shot. This story and more, on “Weekend Update”.

[ fade to black ]

[ fade in on full Weekend Update set ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Colonel LingusFried Chicken, the southern-fried chicken that takes a licking. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Pope John Paul II is still alive.

Bill Murray: Well, 200-pound president Idi Amin, of Uganda, has challenged Tanzania’s 65-year old president, Julius Nieri, to a boxing match to settle their two countries’ border dispute. Well, Amin may have started something, because P.L.O. Chief, Yassar Arafat, has challenged Israeli president Menachin Begin to another sporting contest. Arafat suggested that he and Begin settle the dispute over the West Bank by seeing who can go the longest without washing.

Now here’s an Update feature that I really get a kick out of — a little thing I like to call “My Celebrity Corner, Welcome To It.” Well, there’s a new blockbuster movie out. It’s a monster, it’s huge — it’s “The Wiz”. And I don’t care if you’re black, you’re white, or you’re purple, you’re gonna love “The Wiz” and especially its star, the girl who puts the fix in “The Wiz” — Miss Diana Ross. [ Ross appears on the monitor ] Hey! Who wants that woman with the skinny legs? Whpo wants that woman with the skinny legs? I know I do! You look beautiful tonight, Di!

Diana Ross: Thank you, Bill! I’d love to take a tumble in the hay with you, too!

Bill Murray: Well, thank you, Diana. That’s very kind. You know, if you’d told me five years ago that the part of Dorothy would be played by a mature black woman — let alone, a former Supreme — I wouldn’t have believed it!

Diana Ross: Well, me neither, Bill… but when they offered me the money — [ she laughs ] Child, I believed! I believed!

Bill Murray: Okay, a little constructive criticism, if you can take it — and the really BIG stars can, which is great. In “The Wiz”, you kept whining “I want to go home! I want to go home!” I don’t get it — why do you want to go back to Harlem? I mean — no offense, but I find Harlem DEPRESSING! Everybody’ incredibly poor… I mean, the drugs are VERY expensive, I always get ripped off every time I go there!

Diana Ross: Well, we have a saying up there, Bill: “Caveat honky.” “Let the honky beware.”

Bill Murray: Tell me — what was it like dating David Frost? I mean, is he a snob, or what? Now, you were engaged to him at one time, I know, and —

Diana Ross: Ah, Bill? You got me confused with Diahann Carroll.

Bill Murray: Gee, that’s right. Sorry. Uh — you know, I hated her series, “Julia”, didn’t you? You know, Diana, I have seen “The Wizard of Oz” so many times. I still watch it every year, and every year it still tears me up. Now, I know it isn’t in your version, but… Diana, would you do a friend a favor and sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”?

Diana Ross: Uh — I-I-I don’t know… I don’t think my producers would like that, Bill.

Bill Murray: Diana, I will get down on my knees for you. You know what I’m saying? Please. Just open those pipes and let out that bubbling brown sugar, would you, honey, just for us?

[ she laughs, then clears her throat and begins to sing “Over the Rainbow” ]

[ after a few lines, Bill joins in until he moves himself to tears ]

Bill Murray: Thank you, Diana. You’re a beautiful Dorothy —

Diana Ross: Thank you, too, Bill.

Bill Murray: And I owe you one! [ he laughs condescendingly ] A touching segment this week on “Celebrity Corner”. Back to you, Jane!

[ Bill sniffles, as Jane gives him a curious look ]

Jane Curtin: Experiments at the National Drug Control Center in Atlanta, this week, showed that white mice who were given angel dust were arrested and booked for possession twice as many times as mice who were given a harmless substitute.

At a joint convention in Chicago this week, the Planned Parenthood Association and the Zero Population Growith Committee met and completely disappeared.

Bill Murray: Well, one of the big hard news stories this week is Iran, and everyone seems to hate the Shah — and with good reason, it appears. Amnesty International said he is the world’s worst human rights offender. A thounsand people have been killed there this month, and one thing about that: You cannot replace people. Ouch. Now, I have something to say about his Shahness… and I will not be silenced. [ he puts on a “STOP THE SHAH!” mask ] The Shah is a U.S. puppet! Down with The Shah! He trades Iran’s oil for guns and fighter planes! To speak against the Shah is to risk your life! The Secret Police are EVERYWHERE! They imprison and torture you! It’s worse than “Midnight Express”! And, if you don’t believe it — you are a facist knucklehead! Now, the U.S. — you get OUT of there, and I mean it, you knuckleheads! Back to you, Jane!

Jane Curtin: According to a report released this week by the Department of Health Education and Welfare, 13% of all American adults are functionally illiterate. Functional illiteracy prevents these people from holding any job which requires any kind of reading or writing, and also hinders their normal activities, such as driving or ordering in restaurants. Now, this is the subject of tonight’s commentary. The biggest problem of illiteracy is one of identification. Illiterates are ashamed, and live in fear that someone will discover their secret. The sad fact is that these people are tragic victims of our educational system, which promotes slower students to a higher grade, rather than dealing with the problem at hand. If the role of the educational system was better understood, illiteracy would not carry the stigma which prevents people from admitting that they simply cannot read. Remedial programs have shown to be effective, even with those who have a scant formal education. Other civilizations — Switzerland and the Soviet Union, in particular — have made enormous stride agaisnt this social epidemic. While the United States, as developed as we are, falls disgracefully behind. The illiteracy problem CAN be solved, but first we must admit that it exists, and then attack it squarely and forthrightly. Thank you.

[ as Jane delivers her commentary, the following SCROLL appears on-screen:

COMMENTARY

Actually, not so much a “commentary” as a plea for the round-up and elimination of functional illiterates.

After all, let’s not kid ourselves… these people are a social nuisance. They can’t read traffic signs; they can’t make change; they open our mail by mistake, and God knows they never R.S.V.P.

Even the simplest things utterly baffle them: eye charts, shoe sizes, area codes and M&M’s — to say nothing of logical positivism or Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdu.

You know what we’re talking about. If you agree that something ought to be done to stamp out illiteracy, send your comments to:

KILL THE ILLITERATES
c/o Weekend Update
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

P.S. If you’re watching this “commentary” with an illiterate friend, and he asks you what this is, don’t panic… just tell him it’s an M&M. ]

Jane Curtin: And now, here with his view on the upcoming election is “Weekend Update”‘s political analyst — John Belushi. John?

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Corrective Oven Mitts” ]

John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. Thank you very much. You know, on Tuesday we all have an opportunity that doesn’t come around very often. I’m talking, of course, about our right to vote. A right that millions of Americans have fought and died for. Yet, many Americans do not exercise that right. In the last election, 35% of the electorate actually turned out. Now, some people don’t vote because they don’t know how to. It’s really very easy. Now, if you’re confused about where or when to vote… there are lots of people you can ask. For example, most towns have a League of Women Voters — you can call them. Or just call City Hall. Or just call up Information. And they’ll tell you who to call. That’s not so hard, is it? I mean, any idiot can call 4-1-1! So there’s no excuse for voting, right? I mean, you can vote when you’re 18, now!

[ John’s rage begins to build ]

I mean, I couldn’t vote when I was 18! I couldn’t even DRIVE when I was 18! I got my license when I was 16, but they took it AWAY when I was 18 because I had too many tickets! That’s when I was in Chicago. I just went back to Chicago, in 1976, and I saw my friend Steve Bushakas. I said, “Steve! Steve, who’d you vote for, Ford or Carter?” He said, “I didn’t vote. All politicians are the same.” I said, “Who do you think makes the laws, Steve?! POLITICIANS!!” He said, “It doesn’t make any difference!” I said, “It doesn’t make any difference? Possession of an ounce is a misdemeanor now! Do you know how far we’ve come? There’s still some people in prison in Texas, eating RATS because they caught with a SEED in 1965! Look — look, in EUROPE — in Europe — in Amsterdam, EVERYBODY votes there… and they smoke HASH IN THE STREETS!! So don’t tell ME it doesn’t make a DIFFERENCE!!”

[ Jane reaches out an arm to calm John down, but he shoves her off ]

Now, look — I’ve got THIS to say, and I’m gonna SAY it: Why am I up here wasting MY valuable time telling you this? To tell you the truth, I’d rather be out smoking hash in the street!! I could be out smoking hash in the street! But, nooooooooooo! I gotta be here and show you lame-os because an informed public is the only hope we have if we want to smoke hash in the street!!

Jane Curtin: John!

John Belushi: [ he fights her off ] DON’T!! They just like living in COMMUNIST countries!! I’ve been there!! I’ve been to MEXICO and CANADA!! And they JUMP at the right to vote!! Now, suppose nobody voted on Tuesday?! Then, where would we be?! The Russians would be all over us the next day! Yuo think they’dpass up on a chance like that?! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! There’ll be some COMMIE GOON kickin’ on your door, choppin’ in down with an axe!! How’d you like to drive to work some day, and all the STREET SIGNS are written in MONGOLIAN, huh?!! Can you read Mongolian?! I CAN’T!! Not even LITERATES can read Monogolian!! Only MONGOLIANS can read Mongolian!! Have you ever smoked Mongolian hash?! HUH?! YOU DON’T EVEN GET HIGH!! WHEN YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING, AND YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA DIE!! [ he pounds on the news desk ] I WANT HARD DRUGS!! I WANT — [ he pounds the news desk and flings himself to the floor, as the audience erupts into applause ]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts