Category:

SNL Transcripts: Jim Parsons: 03/01/14: Elevator



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 14










13n: Jim Parsons / Beck

Elevator

Henry…..Mike O’Brien
Mr. Conrad…..Jim Parsons
Female Employee…..Aidy Bryant
Reggie the Janitor…..Kenan Thompson
Other Passengers…..Noel Wells, Bobby Moynihan, Sasheer Zamata, John Milhiser, Vanessa Bayer

[ open on elevator door opening, as Mr. Conrad rushes in ]

[ as the doors close, Henry pushes his way into the elevator ]

Henry: Hey, Mr. Conrad Taking off early for the day?

Mr. Conrad: [ irked ] Yes.

Henry: Mind if I join you?

Mr. Conrad: Uh… I’d rather that you finished your work, Henry.

Henry: Actually, I have a question about the T-4s?

Mr. Conrad: Very well.

Henry: [ sniffing ] What’s that smell…?

Mr. Conrad: [ he lowers his bag ] I don’t know, Henry… Look, you said you had a question?

Henry: You don’t smell that, though…?

Mr. Conrad: [ annoyed ] Yeah, I do! But, please, just ask your question, I’d like to get home! Please!

Henry: Okay… it smells pretty bad… Uh, so are we supposed to have our T-4s done by tomorrow?

Mr. Conrad: Yes. We need them by 5:00.

Henry: Okay, cool. Just double-checking. [ he glances downward ] What’s in the bag?

Mr. Conrad: [ nervous ] I, uh… this is, this is just a piece of dirty laundry…

Henry: One piece?

Mr. Conrad: Yeah! Yes, it’s an undergarment.

Henry: Weird. Hey, did you hear that super-loud boom from the construction site this morning?

Mr. Conrad: [ uncomfortable ] Yes…

Henry: It really scared a lot of people. It almost sounded like a BOMB!

Mr. Conrad: Yes… yes, that is EXACTLY what it sounded like.

Henry: It really shows how you’d react if a bomb went off, though.

Mr. Conrad: I… suppose it does.

Henry: Like, it shows what a man you are, I guess. I threw my body on top of Susan, to shield her! It sounds silly now! What did you do?

Mr. Conrad: [ trying to hide his bag ] I… reacted as well.

[ the doors open as a Female Employee steps into the elevator ]

Female Employee: Oh! Hello, Mr. Conrad!

Mr. Conrad: Oh, no…

Female Employee: [ covering her nose ] Oh, my God…! I’m sorry, what is that smell?! Like, that’s INSANE!

Henry: None of us can figure it out. Right, Mr. Conrad?

Mr. Conrad: That is correct. It’s a mystery.

Female Employee: Oh… man! Mr. Conrad, did you hear that big BOOM from construction this morning?

Henry: He did! He thought it was a bomb, too.

Female Employee: Oh, I know! Kevin from Accounts made a really funny joke that he nearly CRAPPED his pants!

[ Henry laughs, as Mr. Conrad holds his poker face ]

Mr. Conrad: Okay, I don’t think that’s very funny.

Female Employee: Oh! Well, it is funny, because he didn’t crap his pants! He actually grabbed a fire extinguisher, and then he headed towards that blast. Yeah. It’s amazing, like, in a time of crisis, just like what comes out.

Mr. Conrad: Yeah. Oooooookay, you know what? I think this is my stop, so I’ll see you both tomorrow.

[ Mr. Conrad frantically presses buttons, as the elevator door finally opens to let Reggie the Janitor aboard ]

Reggie the Janitor: Aw, DAY-AM!! It smell like DOOKIE in here!!

Henry: Hey, Reggie!

Reggie the Janitor: Aw, I’m sorry. Y’all goin’ DOWN? Aw, dammit, I’m goin’ up! Some executive CRAPPED on his chair, and I gotta go clean it up!

[ Reggie squirts cleanser on his rag, as Henry and ?? laugh and Mr. Conrad tries to disappear in the back of the elevator ]

Female Employee: Oh, my God, that’s HILARIOUS!!

Reggie the Janitor: Uhhh, that’s actually NOT funny, it’s SAD! He’s a grown man!

[ suddenly, there’s a boom and the lights flicker and everyone screams ]

Reggie the Janitor: [ sniffing ] Well… NOW it smells like old dookie in a bag… and NEW dookie in PANTS!!

Female Employee: Oh, you’re right! [ she tries to ship the foul air away from her face ] It smells horrible…

[ suddenly, the doors open and a group of people enter the elevator, immediately repelled by the competing smells of dookie ]

Mr. Conrad: How LONG is this elevator ride?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Parsons: 03/01/14: Cowboys



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 14












13n: Jim Parsons / Beck

Cowboys

Dwayne…..Beck Bennett
Cowboy #1…..Brooks Wheelan
Cowboy #2…..Kenan Thompson
Cowboy #3…..Kyle Mooney
Clem…..Jim Parsons

[ open on old western campfire ]

Dwayne: Well, killing a man ain’t never easy, but I’ll tell ya’ — that one wasn’t too hard! I guess I’m gonna hit the hay. Off to my tent. ‘Night, fellas!

Cowboys: ‘Night, Dwayne!!

[ Dwayne exits ]

Cowboy #1: Okay, guys — Tomorrow’s Dawyne’s birthday! Last year, we missed it. I gotta tell you, it hit him pretty hard.

Cowboy #2: Really? But Dwayne doesn’t seem like a guy who wanted to be fussed over.

Cowboy #1: Oh, who don’t like a little fussing on their birthday? Now, I was thinking we could take his holdster into town and get it personalized.

Cowboy #3: Oh! Like initials!

Cowboy #2: Or a snazy design!

Cowboy #1: Exactly! What do you think, Clem?

[ Clem crinkles his nose in disgust ]

Cowboy #2: Well, Clem, why is your mouth so tense?

Clem: Oh, I don’t know! Seems like you’ve got his birthday all figured out!

Cowboy #3: Did you have an idea, Clem?

Clem: Well, yes, I did! And it was a great one!

Cowboy #1: Okay. So what was it?

Clem: I just thought it would be fun… if I popped out of the ground, and said: “Surprise!”

Cowboy #1: “Pop out of the ground”? How would that work?

Clem: Oh, easy! You dig a hole — a little bigger than me — I stand on some springs, then I get covered in a light layer of earth, and when the time is right someone activates the springs, I fly through the air into Dwayne’s face, screaming, “Supriiiise!”

Cowboy #1: That is not a very practical idea!

Cowboy #2: Yeah, we’re not gonna spend all day digging a HOLE for you, and then try and activate some springs!

Clem: Well, fine!

[ Dwayne returns ]

Dwayne: What’s going on out here? I thought I heard a woman.

Cowboy #1: [ nervously ] Oh, no… just talking about saddles and stuff… Uh… thought you was heading to bed?

Dwayne: I was! Good night, fellas!

Cowboy #3: Sweet dreams, Dwayne!

Dwayne: Nighty night! [ he exits ]

Cowboy #1: Okay, now that he’s gone I have two birthday car options that I want to show you guys. [ he holds up two greeting cards ] Now, this one is a turtle with a cowboy hat on it. It says: “Slow down, it’s your birthday!” [ he laughs ] And this is the other one. It’s a saloon woman with a BIG chest, and it says: “I’m about to BUST… ’cause it’s your birthday!” [ he laughs ] I can’t tell — Which one do you guys like?

Cowboy #2: Well, let me take a closer look at that saloon gal one!

Cowboy #3: And I want to look at the turtle…

Cowboy #1: Clem, which one do you like?

Clem: [ miffed ] I feel like we really blew past my pop-out-of-the-grounnd idea!

Cowboy #1: Really, Clem? That idea is IMPOSSIBLE!

Clem: Well, it’s not like it can’t be simplified! Oh, forget about the hole! Paint my body brown, to match the dirt! THen I’ll lay directly on top of some springs, somebody triggers the springs at the right time, and then I FLY into Dwayne’s face, screaming: “Surpriiiiiiiissssse!”

Cowboy #2: So we’re just gonna paint your naked body flat brown? That’s not gonna look anything like dirt!

Clem: Well, you have to model it a little! Maybe put some dirt up against my body sides, like a little hill or something.

Cowboy #3: Clem, why do you want to do this so bad?!

Cowboy #1: It’s so gosh-durned COMPLICATED!!

Clem: I just know what Dwayne likes! And he likes memorable moments.

Cowboy #1: I don’t think he’s gonna want a NAKED MAN flying out of the DIRT at him!

Clem: Nobody wants it until they get it!

Cowboy #2: Clem, you just talking a bunch of HOOEY again!

Clem: [ offended ] Yeah, well, you just forget I said anything, then!

Cowboy #1: Clem, come on! Don’t be like that! Now, I got a birthday cake. Look — [ he holds up a boot cake ] it says “You’re gonna get a KICK out your birthday!” [ they all laugh ]

Clem: These ideas are so BORING! They’ve been done to DEATH! I’m walking into the night! [ he storms off ]

Cowboy #3: Clem!!

[ cut to sunset with SUPER “The Next Day” over bouncy music ]

[ dissolve to Dwayne and the cowboys eating birthday cake ]

Dwayne: Thanks so much for the card, the cake, and the holster! This has been the BEST birthday ever! [ he glances off-camera ] Hey… was that dirt pile here last night?

[ suddenly, a comical “Sproing!” sound effect is heard, as a Clem dummy flies into Dwayne’s face ]

Dwayne: Whoa!!

Clem: SURPRISE!!

[ startled, Dwayne fires nine rounds into Clem’s naked body ]

Dwayne: I… think that was Clem…

[ the other cowboys throw their arms up in bewilderment ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jim Parsons: 03/01/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 14


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:


March 1st, 2014

Jim Parsons

Beck

None

None

None
EllenSummary: Ellen Degeneres (Kate McKInnon) dances, pranks (Jay Pharoah), and welcomes Johnny Weir (Jim Parsons) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Ellen Degeneres.

Montage

Jim Parsons’ MonologueSummary: With help from Jaleel White (Jay Pharoah), Jason Alexander (Bobby Moynihan), Henry Winkler (Taran Killam), Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) and Angela Lansbury (Kate McKinnon), Jim Parsons deflects typecasting by singing “I’m Not That Guy!”

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Peter PanSummary: Peter Pan (Jim Parsons) arrives at the Darling House for a return trip to Never Neverland, with a little help from Tinkerbell’s sassy half-sister Tonkerbell (Aidy Bryant).

The Bird BibleSummary: Illustrations of birds in religious scenery helps make the Bible more kid-friendly.

The Killer FilesSummary: A profile of Marc Allen Henry (Jim Parsons), thw Dance Floor Killer murderer who struck various televised dance floor sets throughout the 1990’s.

“12 Years a Slave” AuditionsSummary:

Beck performs “Blue Moon”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) and Shaquille O’Neal (Jay Pharoah) comment about the first openly-gay NBA player. 1860’s critic Jebidiah Atkinson (Taran Killam) has harsh reviews of this year’s Best Picture nominees.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Shaquille O’Neal, Jebidiah Atkinson.

Transcript

Murder MysterySummary: ?? (Jim Parsons) can’t get into the spirit of a murder mystery because he doesn’t understand his character’s motivation.

Spotlightz!Summary: Laura Parsons (Vanessa Bayer) and other serious child actors perform scenes from this year’s Best Picture nominees.

Recurring Characters: Laura Parsons.

Beck performs “Wave”

ElevatorSummary: Mr. Conrad (Jim Parsons) is embarrassed when he has to hide the smell of his soiled underwear while taking a long elevator ride with various unexpected employees.

Transcript

CowboysSummary: Group of cowboys debate about how best to celebrate Dwayne’s (Beck Bennett) birthday.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>
















13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong

…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
Buford Calloway…..Taran Killam
…..Amy Poehler
Stefon…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
David Paterson…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!

Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories!

This week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union address. While Joe Biden just delivered.

Willie Robertson, one of the stars of “Duck Dynasty”, attended the State of the Union as a guest of Representative Vance McAllister. And no one was more upset about it than Louisiana Senator Bill Quackenbush.

Cecily Strong: A former speech writer for President Bush accused President Obama of plagiarizing parts of this week’s State of the Union from Bush’s 2007 address. I have to admit, it was a little odd when Obama suddenly said, “Man, I’m super bad at being president.”

This Sunday, the Super Bowl will be played in Met Life Stadium in New Jersey. Just as soon as they finally convince Eli Manning to leave the field. “You did your best. Not your fault, bud. Come on, sweetheart. We got pizza rolls.”

The crafts store Michaels is investigating a possible data breach involving customers’ credit and debit card information. Said people who shop at Michaels: “Please steal my identity.”

Seth Meyers: A rare winter storm, this week, paralyzed Atlanta, leaving drivers stranded on snowy roads for hours despite only two inches of accumulation. Here to comment is a survivor of the storm — Atlanta resident Buford Calloway.

Buford Calloway: [ breathing heavily as he clutches his handkerchief ] Salutations, Mr. Meyers! Thank yew kindly for having me!

Seth Meyers: So, Buford, tell us about the storm.

Buford Calloway: Ohhh, Sethory! It was HORRIBLE!! You could never imagine such a STORM!! Lord, I’ll never forget when I saw those first flakes of DEVIL’S DANDRUFF!!

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, “Devil’s Dandruff”? Do you mean snow?

Buford Calloway: Yes, I do, Sethory! CONNECTICUT CONFETTI! New England CLAM POWDER!! OBAMA’S WHITE FRIEND! It was something awful!

Seth Meyers: It was only two inches!

Buford Calloway: Welllllllll… this is the SOUTH, Sethory! We’re not equipped to deal with snow! And I’m willing to admit that I may have overreacted. For example, when the storm first started, I pre=emptively shot my NEIGHBOR, lest he raid my Cosco stage!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, Buford, I’d say that’s a pretty bad overreaction!

Buford Calloway: A bit?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Buford Calloway: I told you, Sethory, we don’t know how to handle SNOW! I’m not from one of those northern states, like Vermont or South Carolina!

Seth Meyers: Okay! So what happened next?

Buford Calloway: Well, Sir, I climbed into my wife’s Escalaaaaad… and I went to the safest place I could think of: The Interstate! And that, Sethory, is where mah nightmare truly began! My vehicle sliding hither and tither, and higgledy piggledy, until I ended up all cattywhumpus with nothing around me but other white Escalaaaaades! And there I remained… TRAPPED,,, with nothing to drink but four liters of sweet Dixie champagne.

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, “Dixie champagne”?

Buford Calloway: I was referring to Coca-Collaaaage.

Seth Meyers: Sure, sure! Well, that actually doesn’t sound that bad…

Buford Calloway: HOW DARE YOU, SIR!!! Ah have stared into the eyes of the Polar Vortex, Sethory… amd I have faced down TWO entire INCHES of NEW HAMPSHIRE COCAINE!!

Seth Meyers: Okay! So, how’d you finally get out of there?

Buford Calloway: I was rescued.

Seth Meyers: Okay. By who?

Buford Calloway: The sun!

Seth Meyers: Oh, boy…

Buford Calloway: Sethory, the skies parted and the fair Georgia lady shone her golden radiance down upon the YANKEE SLUSH!! And I knew… in that moment… that the SUN WLL RISE AGAIN!!

Seth Meyers: Buford Calloway, everybody!

Buford Calloway: You’re my favorite Union newscaster!

Cecily Strong: The Arizona Republican Party, this week, formally censured Senator John McCain, saying that his voting record is too liberal. Said McCain: “Oh, I’ve been through much worse.” [ image: Vietnam ] Oh no, not that. [ image: Sarah Palin ] Yeah, there it is.

Seth Meyers: During a ceremony this week at the Vatican, in which two doves were released by children in the name of world peace, a seagull and crow swooped down and attacked the doves. Said former Pope Benedict: “Excellent, my petsssss!” WAs that good? Was that enough? I think that was enough!

Google, this week, unveiled new designs for its Google Glass wearable device that look like more traditional glasses. Because you don’t want to look nerdy when you’re wearing a COMPUTER on your FACE!

Cecily Strong: A personal trainer in New York City has developed a new work out regime called “Sexercise” that uses various squats and lunges to help people increase their stamina during sex. Said the trainer: “Anyway, I’m required by law to notify you that I’m living in your neighborhood.”

A New Zealand man, who was attacked by a shark, stitched up his own wounds on shore then went to a pub for a beer before heading to the hospital. Even more impressive, the shark bought the first round.

Seth Meyers: Florida Representative Trey Radel, who was convicted of cocaine possession, announced this week that he will resign from Congress. Radel says he wants to spend more time with whoever’s still awake.

The four members of Motley Crue have decided to dissolve the group after they complete this final tour, while fans of the band have decided to dissolve something in your drink when you’re not looking.

A Montana man who was wearing a hat with the word “Weed” on it, was arrested after police found 6 pounds of marijuana in his car. Police knew where to look for the drugs because his shirt said: “is in the trunk.”

Cecily Strong: What? Wait. Was that your… last joke?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, it was.

[ audience awws ]

Cecily Strong: Um… it’s been so fun working with you! And you’re such a wonderful person! And, um… [ choking up ] Sorry! A couple friends wanted to stop by and say something.

[ Amy Poehler and Stefon appear at the desk ]

Amy Poehler: Hi! Hi! Hi! We’re so sorry we’re late! Stefon took me to his favorite clubs.

Stefon: Crease… Twice… Slice…

Amy Poehler: Gush… Push… and what was that last one?

Stefon: Oh. Kevin?

Seth Meyers: So, wait — What are you guys doing here?

Amy Poehler: Seth, we are here to take you to “the other side.”

Stefon: We’re like a gateway drug — you know, like bath salts and Meow Meow!

Amy Poehler: We are SO proud of you, you have been the HEART of this show for over a decade.

Stefon: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yes!

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Stefon: Yeah, you’re like the Sting of “SNL”.

Seth Meyers: Wait… why am I like the Sting of “SNL”?

Stefon: Because it takes you twelve years to finish!

Cecily Strong: And, on that, we’re gonna miss you SO much, Seth.

Stefon: [ angry ] You barely KNOW HIM!!

Seth Meyers: I’m so sorry, Cecily. This is Amy, this is Stefon.

[ Stefon hisses at Cecily ]

Amy Poehler: I just want to say, Cecily — You are doing such a great job.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Cecily Strong: Thank you, Amy! And, Stefon? Seth has told me so much about you—

Stefon: Keep my man’s name OUT of ya’ MOUTH!!

Seth Meyers: Could I ask you something? What’s it like out there?

Amy Poehler: Oh, the world outside of “SNL” — ohh, Seth, my friend, it’s so weird and cool. God, how can I put this…?

Stefon: That place has EVERYTHING!

Amy Poehler: Everything! Opportunities and new adventures–

Stefon: Homeless weightlifters who look like The Croods.

Amy Poehler: New friends, a new show–

Stefon: Japanese daredevil Yolo Ohno… Human DVRs…

Seth Meyers: Okay, I’m sorry, Stefon, what are Human DVRs?

Stefon: It’s that thing where a midget sits on your TV and tells you what happened on “Scandal”.

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Stefon: And like a regular cable box, it goes down all the time.

Seth Meyers: Stefon! [ he laughs ]

[ suddenly, Andy Samberg appears ]

Andy Samberg: 2… 3… [ inging ] “It’s so ha-ard, to say goodbye… to yesterdayyyyy-heee-hoooo-hooooo-heeeee!”

Seth Meyers: Andy, buddy? Thank you for coming to my last show.

Andy Samberg: It’s your last show?!

Seth Meyers: God… Uh, it is my last show, and I just want to say being on here with my co-anchors and my dear friend and my husband is the PERFECT Way to end. This is the job I always wanted, and I had the best time and I met the best people and I just want to thank the crew and the cast and especially the writers and Lorne. Thank you very much. Take us out, Cecily.

Cecily Strong: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Cecily Strong!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!

Stefon: I’m Stefon Meyers!

Seth Meyers: And I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Imagine Dragons with Kendrick Lamar perform “Radioactive”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13








13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Imagine Dragons with Kendrick Lamar perform “Radioactive”

…..Melissa McCarthy
…..Imagine Dragons
…..Kendrick Lamar

Melissa McCarthy: Ladies and gentlemen — Imagine Dragons!

Imagine Dragons:
“Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa

I’m waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I’m breathing in the chemicals

I’m breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

I raise my flags, don my clothes
It’s a revolution, I suppose
We’ll paint it red to fit right in
Whoa

I’m breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

All systems go, the sun hasn’t died
Deep in my bones, straight from inside.”

Kendrick Lamar:
“Bury me alive, bury me with pride.
Bury me with berries, that forbidden fruit and cherry wine.
Thank you berry much, but tonight’s my night
and I’m Barry Bonds swinging for the fences, barbaric Kendrick in idle time.
Everything in life’s subject to change, change whip, change grind.
Change clothes, change opinions, right before I change my mind.
I don’t really know yah business, been in there since I was bending Lego blocks.
Now you tell the world about me, dry snitch, tater tots on my shotgun.
Now I gotta pop one at the stars.
Sky’s the limit, I gotta finish as the first rapper on Mars.
Mark my word, I’ma make my mark, even when they start their Martial Law.
Even when these Martians alienate, my mental state is still at heart.
Look in my eyes, tell me I died, tell me I tried, to compromise.
Tell me you love me, tell me that I, don’t really care and can barely decide.
Wishing good luck on my enemies, all of my energy go to the almighty God.
I could drown in a bottle of Hennessy, with no amenities, I’m getting better with time.
Yeah!!”

Imagine Dragons:
“I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Melissa McCarthy’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13


















13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Melissa McCarthy’s Monologue

…..Melissa McCarthy
…..Bobby Moynihan
Referee…..Taran Killam
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Melissa McCarthy!

Melissa McCarthy: Thank you! Awww, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! I am so excited to be hosting “SNL” for the THIRD time! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I wasn’t really going to come back so soon, but I was already in town, you know, for the Suer Bowl and to support my husband Richard Sherman, so… We fight. We really, really like to mix it up! But the real reason I keep coming back is… I love bing here, and the whole cast is so great, and they’re so —

Bobby Moynihan: Melissa!! BOO-OO-OO-OOOOOO!! BOO-OO-OO!! You got a LOT of nerve coming back here, McCarthy!!

Melissa McCarthy: Uh… Bobby! I, uh, I don’t even know what this is about!

Bobby Moynihan: Are you kidding me?! You don’t remember the last time you hosted?!

Melissa McCarthy: Uh… no! I have no idea what you’re talking about! I remember I had a great time, I remember that —

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, you had a great time? Oh, ROLL the tape!

[ cut to filmed footage of McCarthy dressed in sunglasses as she exits the studio ]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, good show, Melissa!

Melissa McCarthy: Suck it, Moynihan, I’m outta here!

Bobby Moynihan: What the hell is your problem?!

Melissa McCarthy: I don’t have a problem! I have my check, and I’m going home! [ she smacks a Valentine’s vase ] See you in Hell!

Bobby Moynihan: Whoa! Melissa, McCarthy, you are a BAD person! If you ever come back here, I’m gonna KICK YOUR ASS!!

Melissa McCarthy: Yeah? I would love to see you try! I would LOVE to see that!

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, yeah?!

Melissa McCarthy: MOVE, Lincoln! [ she shoves a costumed Abraham Lincoln ] You know what? I’m taking this! [ she seizes a nearby prop llama ] I’m taking the llama!

[ return to Home Base, as Bobby Moynihan adjusts his lift-straps ]

Bobby Moynihan: Ohhh, does that ring a bell?!

Melissa McCarthy: No! But I’m gonna wring yours! [ she strikes a fighter’s stance ]

Bobby Moynihan: Let’s settle this! [ he strikes a fighter’s stance ]

[ the both lift into the air and swing their fists amid intense close-ups ]

Referee: [ close-up ] Round One! Battle of Lotus — Begin!

[ they fly toward one another, as Bobby strikes a blow and causes Melissa to flip backwards several times ]

Referee: Mmmm… Both of you show great promise! But can you survive Round Two! THROWING STARS!!

[ Melissa throws a series of nija stars at Bobby, who checks himself for casualties ]

Bobby Moynihan: Ha ha haaa!! You missed!

Melissa McCarthy: Did I?!

[ cut to Kenan Thompson with ninja star embedded in his forehead ]

Kenan Thompson: Gaaaaahhhhhh!!! [ he falls dead ]

Melissa McCarthy: Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!

Referee: Ha ha ha ha! Very sneaky! Now! Prepare yourself for the Final Round! FIST TO FIST!!

[ Bobby strikes a pose with his fists ]

[ Melissa brandishes a baseball bat ]

Bobby Moynihan: Wait… Wait, why does she have a BAT?! Why don’t I get a bat?! I don’t have a — [ he flies upward into the air and screams ]

[ Melissa flies forward and whips Bobby’s ass with the bat ]

Referee: VICTORY! [ as he holds Melissa’s hand ] You are… the TRUE warrior!

Melissa McCarthy: Thank you! We’ve got a great show! Imagine Dragons are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Delaware 1 News Special Report



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13


















13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Delaware 1 News Special Report

David LaPierre…..Taran Killam
Sheila Kelly…..Melissa McCarthy
David McNally…..John Milhiser
Cameraman…..Brooks Wheelan
Passerby…..Kyle Mooney
Police Officer #1…..Mike O’Brien
Police Officer #2…..Beck Bennett

Announcer: This is a Delaware 1 Special Report.

David LaPierre: This week, after the State of the Union, Staten Island congressman Michael Grimm was caught on camera threatening a New York 1 reporter who had asked him about fundraising allegations:

[ video plays ]

Congressman Grimm: “Let me be clear for you… If you ever do that to me again, I’ll throw you off this fucking balcony… No, no, you’re not man enough… I’ll break you in half… Like a boy!”

[ return to news desk ]

David LaPierre: But Grimm’s behavior, while shocking, seems tame in comparison to this woman: [ image ] Freshman congresswoman Sheila Kelly. After leaving a planning committee meeting Thursday night, Delaware 1’s own David McNally pressed Kelly on allegations of illegal fundraising, and the congresswoman lost her cool.

[ cut to footage ]

David McNally: …And what about claims made by your ex-campaign manager that —

Sheila Kelly: I’m here to talk about the PLANNING COMMITTEE, and NOTHING else!

David McNally: But your constituents have a right to know —

Sheila Kelly: I’m DONE here! [ she walks away ]

David McNally: So, as you can see the congresswoman is not interested in answering to these new damning allegations —

[ Kelly shoves McNally ]

Sheila Kelly: You ever been thrown out a window, bro? Because, you know what? When I do it, I don’t open it first. Yeah, you go down WITH the glass! You get that?

David McNally: [ stammering ] I was just trying to —

Sheila Kelly: [ mocks him with gibberish ] You’re not a man! You’re a little baby! You’re a little baby, and I’m gonna put you in a stroller and buckle you up and throw you down a flight of stairs! And this isn’t “The Untouchables”! Andy Garcia isn’t going to come sliding in here and saving you! [ she shoves McNally and glances at the camera ]

David LaPierre V/O: At this point, Kelly realized the camera was still on.

Sheila Kelly: Is this still on?! [ she charges the cameraman and puts her hand over the lens ]

[ return to news desk ]

David LaPierre: But a passerby had started filming the altercation with his cellphone… and we can pick it up there.

[ return to Kelly footage, second point-of-view ]

Sheila Kelly: Is that still on?! Is that still on?! You’re fucking filming me?! [ she charges the camera, puts her hand over the lens, then shoves the cameraman to the ground as McNally runs for it ] Yeah, you’d BETTER run! [ she grabs the camera and smashes it to the ground ] I am Freshman Congresswoman Sheila Kelly, and I am INVINCIBLE!! [ she suddenly notices she’s still being filmed ]

David LaPierre V/O: Here, Kelly notices the passerby filming her, and angrily reacts.

Sheila Kelly: Are you fucking filming me with that phone?! Are you fucking filming me?! [ she charges at the passerby and seizes his cellphone during the scuffle ]

[ return to news desk ]

David LaPierre: Once the passerby tried to make his escape, the footage is unclear. But he ran into a parking garage, and a security camera picked up the action.

[ cut to black-and-white security-cam footage, as the passerby rushes into the garage ]

Sheila Kelly: Stop!! I see you!! [ the passerby ducks behind a car ] You think you can run from me?! You can’t run from me! [ she kicks the car he’s hiding behind, as the alarm goes off ] Yeah, that’s right! I’m gonna blow out your fucking eardrums! [ she leans against the car ] I can wait here all night! I can wait here ALL night! [ she glances up at the security camera ]

David LaPierre V/O: Watch as Kelly notices the security camera, then takes action.

Sheila Kelly: Mother fucker!

[ Kelly takes out a pistol from her pocket and fires at the camera ]

[ cut ot two more security cameras being shot at ]

[ return to news desk ]

David LaPierre: With the security camera gone, we lose visual. But only until a police car pulls into the garage to investigate the alarm.

[ cut to dashboard footage as the police car approaches Kelly ]

Sheila Kelly: Oh, come on!

Police Officer #1: Drop the gun!

[ Kelly drops her gun ]

Police Officer #2: Hands above your head! Put your hands above your head!

[ two police officers approach Kelly and attempt to subdue her ]

Police Officer #1: Alright, we have apprehended the suspect, we are at twenty–

[ Kelly knocks out both officers, then hops into the police car and guns it in reverse ]

Sheila Kelly: I’m gonna live FOREVER!!

[ return to news desk ]

David LaPierre: Three days later… and Congresswoman Kelly is still at large. If you see her, call the police IMMEDIATELY! And for your own safety: Do not approach her. For Delaware 1, I’m David LaPierre.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Women’s Group



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13














13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Women’s Group

Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Carol…..Cecily Strong
Aidy…..Aidy Bryant
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
P.J……Melissa McCarthy

[ open on suburban home ]

Vanessa: Okay, ladies. Welcome to the first-ever meeting of Women’s Group! I know we’re all very busy with carpools and birthday parties, but I think it’s great that we’re taking time to focus on ourselves and our goals.

Carol: Oh! I thought this was just an excuse to drink white wine in the afternoon!

Aidy: Oh, you’re bad! [ they all laugh ]

Vanessa: Okay. I’ll go first. Um… My goal is to fall back in love with my husband. Um… I want us to play, and, uh… I want to be wooed. Carol?

Carol: Okay. Um… I guess…. Okay! I just want to, like, slow down, you know? I want to cook more, and worry less.

Denise: I’ll go! Um… I want to start really considering the things I put in my body. And… I want to take more photographs!

P.J.: I’ll go. Uh… This year, I would like to avenge the death of my father. He was taken from me ten years ago, and now I plan to exact my revenge on the individuals who caused me this pain.

Aidy: Um… I want to learn how to set up my Kindle.

Vanessa: Okay, um… That’s great, everybody. Now, let’s pull out those Vision Boards that we all made. [ they all pull out their boards ] Alright, now, uh… DEnise, would you like to go first?

Denise: Um… These are some images that I find inspirational. These are fresh-cut peonies… this is Jennifer Hudson… this is yogurt… and this is an angel!

P.J.: Okay, um… On mine… This is my Dad, and, uh, this is me over his dead body, screaming “Noooooo!!” This is really kind of, uh — This is a Before image, and then this is the After.

Carol: Are you holding a human head?

P.J.: Yeah, I am. This is the head of Raoul “El Scorpione” De la Monte. He’s the man who killed my father. This is the only known photo of him, and I HOPE to place red X’s of his own blood over his eyes when I find him… and, coincidentaly, I also have yogurt.

Vanessa: Very good job, P.J. I can tell you’re very serious about your goals. So, who’s next?

Carol: I wish I had gone before P.J. Um,,, but this mine, so, uh… This is my dream kitchen — it’s a Hampton-style, a lot of copper details. I like the airiness of it.

Vanessa: Mmm-hmm. Okay. Anyone else?

P.J.: [ raising her hand ] I’ve got another one. Um… I just kinda got into it. It says to me, uh… This Vidion Board is showing El Scorpione’s inner circle.

Denise: I’m sorry, why are you on there?

P.J.: Oh. Very astute. That’s nice. Uh, yeah — I’ve been able to infiltrate his organization by gaining their trust, mostly through sex. I consider my body a tool, not unlike the Swiss Army knife. And UI love that sweater, by the way.

Aidy: Oh. Uh… thank you, That’s a very lovely blazer.

P.J.: Oh. Yeah, I don’t even know where I got it… [ she lifts up a side, revealing a collection of knives ] Oh, yeah — Ann Taylor Loft.

Vanessa: Okay… um… and did anyone, or everyone, breing an object that inpsires them?

Aidy: Uh, yes! Okay, this is my own personal copy of “Under the Tuscan Sun” with Diane Lane, and, um… I don’t know! She just reminds me that we as women are like fine wines.

P.J.: I’d love to borrow that from you. I love the message. Uh… okay, I brought a box. Each time I’ve erased an individual as part of my journey, uh… I’ve taken a trophy and I’ve put it in here. But I will warn you that… the contents, once seen, cannot be unseen. You guys ready?

[ the women plead with P.J. not to open the box ]

P.J.: Are you sure? Okay. It was mostly ears and one penis.

Vanessa: P.J., I know we all just met you, but it seems like a lot of your visioning is less about finding your best self, and more about, um… murder.

P.J.: That’s fair.

Vanessa: But, you know, Women’s Group is about letting go of the past. So what I want to know is, not “Who was P.J.?”, but “Who is P.J.?”

P.J.: That’s a great question. Who is P.J.? Uh… P.J. likes to laugh… uhhh, P.J. can be a bit of a diva… uhhhh, P.J. should probably give herself a break, because she’s a good woman.

Carol: Uh, I’m sorry — P.J. what’s that red dot on your chest?

P.J.: Does it follow me when I move. [ she leans in her chair ]

Carol: Yeah.

P.J.: Okay. Um… How do you feel about gunfire in the home?

Vanessa: Well, I ask you to take off your shoes, so…

P.J.: Okay. Um… oky, um… I’m probably gonna go. I want to thank you for a lovely spread and having me in your home and I’ll see you at the next Women’s Group! [ she dives through the window ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13




13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Goodnights

……Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy: Thank you to Imagine Dragons, Kendrick Lamar, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, the cast and the crew and the shop that made everything! Thank you, thank you, thank you, New York!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:


February 1st 2014

Melissa McCarthy

Imagine Dragons

None

Kendrick Lamar

Amy Poehler

Bill Hader

Andy Samberg

Fred Armisen

None
Halftime SpectacularSummary: The last-minute cancellation of Bruno Mars and ?? results in a lame Broadway-style replacement Halftime musical performance.

Recurring Characters: Michael Strahan.

Montage

Melissa McCarthy’s MonologueSummary: Harboring a grudge from her last hosting, Bobby Moynihan sparks a mid-air ninja fight with Melissa McCarthy.

Transcript

CVSSummary: A promotional advertisement for the last-minute cheapskate Valentine’s gifts available at your neighborhood CVS.

Delaware 1 News Special ReportSummary: News anchor David LaPierre (Taran Killam) reviews footage of an all-night rampage by Congresswoman Sheila Kelly (Melissa McCarthy).

Recurring Characters: Sheila Kelly.

Transcript

Women’s GroupSummary: Members of a women’s group strive to achieve inner peace, which P.J. (Melissa McCarthy) seeks to do by avenging the death of her father by cartel drug lords.

Transcript

Guess That Phrase!Summary: Crazy Kathleen (Melissa McCarthy) believes “Pass The Mash” to be the answer to all of the hidden game phrases.

28 ReasonsSummary: Via rap performance, Kevin (Jay Pharoah), Tyrese (Kenan Thompson), and Michelle (Sasheer Zamata) remind their fellow white students that slavery is the reason to keep Black History Month in their thoughts.

Imagine Dragons with Kendrick Lamar perform “Radioactive”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Atlanta native Buford Calloway (Taran Killam) relates the terror of having survived Winter Storm Leon. On his final broadcast, Amy Poehler and Stefon (Bill Hader) are ready to help bring Seth Meyers to the other side of “SNL”. Former governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen) wanders past the news desk.

Recurring Characters: Stefon, David Paterson.

Transcript

Art ExhibitSummary: Onboxious museum employee (Melissa McCarthy) interrupts a living art exhibit in order to rectify a wi-fi connectivity issue.

Girlfriends Talk ShowSummary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) is excited to have her adult friend Donna Ruth Baker (Melissa McCarthy) on the show, but Kyra (Cecily Strong) has transformed her into a hipper chick.

Recurring Characters: Kyra, Morgan.

Imagine Dragons perform “Demons”

Summer of DianeSummary: Bobby (Bobby Moynihan) lovingly recalls a chance encounter in the park with Diane (Melissa McCarthy), a slovenly woman who never even noticed him.

Super Champions with KyleSummary: Kyle Mooney nervously interviews people who are in town for the Super Bowl.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts