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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry

Sigma

Pledge #1…..John Milhiser
Pledge #2…..Jay Pharoah
Frat Brother #1…..Kyle Mooney
Frat Brother #2…..Beck Bennett

[ open on Sigma frat house, at two pledges enter ]

Pledge #1: Ohhh… I think this is Sigma. These guys are supposed to be a big party house.

Pledge #2: Yeah. Let’s check ’em out.

[ the pledges approach two frat brothers ]

Frat Brother #1: Welcome to Sigma House.

Pledge #1: Hey.

Frat Brother #1: You guys here to rush?

Frat Brother #2: How about some Beer Pong?

Pledge #2: Yeah!

Pledge #1: Sure.

Frat Brother #1: Just to let you know, we play House Rules, so it can get pretty intense.

Frat Brother #2: Yeah, you better call Mommy and Daddy, make sure it’s okay.

[ they all laugh ]

Frat Brother #1: Alright. So, basic rules: You sink in the cup, drink once. Bounce it, drink twice.

Pledge #2: Got it.

Frat Brother #2: Three in a row, you’re on fire! Call a cup and knock it down, it’s whistles. Sink it in the same cup, you get the balls back…

Pledge #1: Whoa, what’s “whistles”?

Frat Brother #2: You guys whistle?

Pledges: Yeah!

Frat Brother #2: So… if we call the cup, then you have to whistle a song. It doesn’t matter what type.

Frat Brother #1: It’s just a chance for us to learn what makes you a very special and unique person inside of you.

Pledge #2: What if we can’t think of a song to whistle?

Frat Brothers: [ singing ] “Then we’ll whistle one forrrrrr you!” [ they high-five ]

Pledge #2: Okay, I guess…

Frat Brother #1: Alright, just a few more rules. If you guys bounce it, and we bounce it back and it lands inside one of your cups, you have to design your ideal roller coaster.

Frat Brother #2: Grab some markers or some colored pencils, and just start drawing. Disregard the laws of physics, and create the coaster from your wildest dreams.

Frat Brother #1: If we like it enough, we put it up on the wall.

[ he acknowledges a collection of drawings on the wall ]

Pledge #2: These rules seem like they were made for kids…

Frat Brother #2: Ohhhh, the little pledge wants to party, huh? Alright, well, listen to this: If the ball goes around the rim, and then goes in, it’s…

Frat Brothers: Pen Pals!

Frat Brother #2: We set you up with a pen pal, and you write letters back and forth, and possibly form a friendship that could last a lifetime.

Frat Brother #1: [ holding up a letter ] My pen pal’s from Australia!

Pledge #2: Who cares?

Frat Brother #1: If the cup flies while you throw it in, you get to choose a lizard. [ he holds up a box of lizards ]

Pledge #1: Why?

Frat Brother #1: Baseball stars, put on your pinstripes and step up to the plate, ’cause we’re putting you in a custom baseball card.

Pledge #2: What?

Frat Brother #1: And you get to choose your own sets. How many homers are you gonna hit?

Pledge #2: Wait, you didn’t say when that happens.

Frat Brother #1: That’s just something fun…

Frat Brothers: That we do whenever we want toooo! [ they hug ]

Pledge #2: Well, it seems like there’s never any drinking in this game.

Frat Brother #1: We can chug.

Frat Brothers: Chug!! Chug!! Chug!! Chug!! Chug!! Chug!!

[ camera pans down to reveal a toy train on a track ]

Frat Brother #1: If you chug, you become the conductor of the Sigma House Train.

Frat Brother #2: Dang! The train has balls!

[ the two frat brothers perform a secret handshake ]

Pledge #1: What is going on?

Frat Brother #1: The science projects!

Frat Brother #2: Show ’em!

Frat Brother #1: [ he holds up a posterboard of a Volcano Explosion ] I worked very hard on this. It’s not part of the game, but I wanted you to see it because I studied.

Pledge #1: Alright, whatever! Can we just start the game?

Frat Brother #2: Oh, we don’t know how to play.

Pledge #2: What do you mean, you don’t know how to play?! You just told us the rules!

Frat Brother #1: I wasn’t listening.

Frat Brother #2: Yeah, me either.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry

Black Ops

Commander…..Beck Bennett
Hernandez…..Jay Pharoah
Montrose…..Bobby Moynihan
Zernicki…..Bruce Willis
Jarvis…..Taran Killam
Daniels…..Brooks Wheelan
Patterson…..Kenan Thompson
Soldier in Back…..Mike O’Brien

[ open on Black Ops Command Center ]

Commander: Today’s the big day, gentlemen! I hope you’ve got your sleep! The raid on Al Hafaraz Compound takes place at 2300 hours! So let’s go through our responsibilities one more time! Hernandez!

Hernandez: Alright, I approach on the left flank, I establish a perimeter, and make sure the target doesn’t have a viable exit.

Commander: Montrose!

Montrose: Head to the main power grid; I get the signal, I cut the juice!

Commander: Zernicki!

Zernicki: [ as dramatic music plays ] I walk up to the front door and I kick it in! The bad guy looks at me, I smile, I say, “Anybody order a pizza?” They reach for their guns… I’m faster — Pop! Pop! Pop! Dead. Just like that. But there’s a fourth guy I didn’t see ’cause he’s standing behind me, and he tells me drop my gun! I do. And when he’s down to pick it up, surprise! I got a KNIFE at the end of my boot! And I kick him in the THROAT with it, right there! He falls to the ground, and I turn and I say to myself, “Where are you hiding, Al-Hafar?”

Commander: Close! Your job is to wait in the van and make sure our communications don’t go down!

Zernicki: You’re wasting my talents…

Commander: I disagree completely! Jarvis!

Jarvis: I’m on extraction! Two apaches, two clicks out; I get the target, we get out.

Commander: Daniels!

Daniels: Green Team enters the compound. Radios off! Night vision goggles on! We stay… quiet.

Zernicki: [ whispering ] Wrong!

Commander: Zernicki…

Zernicki: I go in LOUD!! Let ’em know I’m there. I yell, “The game is up, Al-Hafar!” He yells out, “American infidel! You’re like a pebble in my shoe. But in order to find me, you have to get by my BODYGUARD!”

Montrose: Uh-oh! Wait, is the bodyguard big?

Commander: Montrose, don’t encourage him!

Zernicki: [ as dramatic music plays ] The bodyguard starts moving toward me, you see? But he sees something on the floor. He bends down to pick it up. Surprise! I got a KNIFE at the end of my boot, and I kick HIM in the throat!

Jarvis: So, wait… He just happens to see something on the floor?

Zernicki: It doesn’t matter!

Jarvis: Okay, cool.

Zernicki: He’s dead, and I’m that much closer to Hafar.

Commander: No, you’re not! You’re in the VAN, making sure our communications don’t go down! Patterson!

Patterson: I’m running a grab team. Intelligence puts Hafar in an upstairs bedroom.

Zernicki: [ he sighs ] Intelligence is wrong… [ as dramatic music plays ] You just walked into that room, which is booby-trapped! KA-BOOM!! I run in, bodies everywhere! I drop to the ground and cradle your head in my hands.

Patterson: My head?

Zernicki: Yeah! I lok at you and I say, “Don’t die on me, don’t you DARE die on me!” You look up at me, and with your last breath you say, “You were ALWAYS my hero!”

Patterson: Yeah, I would NOT say that.

Zernicki: I look to the heavens and I scream, “HAFAR!!” He merges from the smoke: “We meet again, Mr. Zernicki!”

Commander: Again, have you met Hafar before? Yuo HAVE to tell us if you have.

Zernicki: Hafar opens his SHIRT, bombs strapped to his chest! He says, “Let’s meet Allah TOGETHER!” I smirk — of course — “Love to… but I have other plans!” Because, SURPRISE! I have a KNIFE!

Montrose: [ excited ] Ohhhhh, you have a knife in your boot!!

Commander: MONTROSE!!

Zernicki: I kick my boot across the room, the knife goes into Hafar’s neck — but not before he hits the detonator! I don’t have that much time. Forward somersault! Forward somersault! Backward somersault! Of course, I drop my keys… Another forward somersault. I jump out the window, the bomb goes off, I fall to my certain death — But what’s that? A Ferrari driving by!

Commander: [ incredulous ] A Ferrari is driving by in Afghanistan?

Zernicki: I land in the passenger seat — I look over, there’s a blonde driving — and not an ugly one! We’re talking a perfect ten! Oakley Betties [??], the whole bit.

Montrose: YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!

Zernicki: She’s ??, but also… you can tell there’s some interest on her. She gives me a “Who are you?” I give her a little devilish grin, followed by “I’m your future ex-husband.” Fade to black.

Patterson: Wait, what you mean “Fade to black”?

Zernicki: If you want to see what I mean… you’ll all follow me. [ he points to the Commander ] Or stay here with this guy and play it by the books. [ he saunters away ]

Montrose: Awwwww, hey! Yuo know I’M going!

[ Montrose and the others run after him ]

Commander: Hey, guys, come on! We’re Navy Seals! [ a beat ] I DO want to see that Ferrari! [ he runs after them ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry

Gravity

Kozanski…..Taran Killam
Dr. Janet Stone…..Cecily Strong
Janitor…..Kenan Thompson
Female Janitor…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on astronauts in space, as they look down on the Earth ]

Kozanski: Ever see anything that beautiful? Besides me, I mean?

Dr. Janet Stone: Get over yourself, Kozanski!

Kozanski: Oh, come on! You’re attracted to me!

Dr. Janet Stone: Alright, just pass me that wrench.

[ suddenly, there’s an explosion and everything jerks out of control ]

Dr. Janet Stone: What is it?!

Kozanski: I think some debris hit the telescope!

Dr. Janet Stone: Oh, my God! We’re detached! What do we do?!

[ they grab each other’s hand ]

Kozanski: Stay calm! Stay calm! Houston, this is Explorer! We’ve been hit by debris and we need immediate assistance! Do you copy?

[ cut to NASA, where Mission Control is unoccupied, except for a janitor ]

Kozanski: Houston, do you read?!

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Come in, Houston!

Kozanski: Houston! Houston, come in! We’re flying blind, Houston!

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston!

Kozanski: We need you DESPERATELY, Houston! PLEASE!

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston, please!

Kozanski: Somebody!!

[ the Janitor relunctantly takes a seat at the controls ]

Janitor: Yello?

Dr. Janet Stone: This is Dr. Janet Stone! We’ve become detached from the Hubble telescope!

Kozanski: Mission Control, we are at 4% oxygen, and dropping! Please advise!

Janitor: Ummmm… Mission Control’s not here right now. But can I take a message?

Kozanski: What do you mean, they’re not here?!!

Janitor: Well, uh… this is awkward, but, uh… the government has shut down. It turns out, I’m the only essential employee in the place. [ he shrugs ] But I could’ve told you that MONTHS ago! [ he chuckles ]

Dr. Janet Stone: Look — If you could give us coordinates for the International Space Station, we may have a small chance for survival!

Janitor: Okay, let me get a pen here… I’m gonna say that “Janet from Space called…” And I’m gonna say that this is “Very important!” [ he jots it down ] Okay, all set! Y’all have a good day now!

Dr. Janet Stone: NO!! Houston, NO!! We need a plan of action to get back to Earth!

Janitor: Okay, well, I do have one idea, but… it might be kind of dumb.

Kozanski: Houston, right now there are no dumb ideas.

Janitor: Okay. Well, in “Willy Wonka”… Charlie and Grandpa use a series of small burps to get down…

Kozanski: That is a VERY dumb idea!

Janitor: Yeah.

Dr. Janet Stone: Then, we’re gonna die and we’re down to 2% oxygen!

Kozanski: Look, if that’s the case… why don’t we make this asphyxiation… an erotic one?

Dr. Janet Stone: No! No… eugh!

Janitor: Hey, hey, guys. Uh, I-I think I see someone who might know something about space!

Kozanski: Oh, thank God!

[ a female janitor enters ]

Janitor: Yeah, come in, Soon-Yea. Tell them what you know!

Female Janitor: My son! All day, he watch, eh… “Star Treks”… and “Deep Nine Space”… and “Battle Gallaca Spolika.”

Dr. Janet Stone: N-no! We need coordinates for the I.S.S.!

Female Janitor: Okay, yes. But! Eh, maybe you get him job? Okay? He need money so we can move back to Ukraine where, uh, government is more STABLE!

Kozanski: Houston, we are running out of time.

Dr. Janet Stone: God, I’m out of oxygen! I can’t think!

Female Janitor: Ehhh… neither can Congress.

Janitor: [ laughing ] Ha ha! Oh, nice! [ he high-fives her ] Oh, you funny! You are funny! Hey, you wanna go make the Mars Rover pop some wheelies?

Female Janitor: Yeah, sure! Okay!

[ they walk away from the control panel ]

Dr. Janet Stone: Houston! Hello, Houston?! Oh, my God…

Kozanski: If anyone can hear this transmission, we are lost in space.

Together: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry

Goodnights

…..Bruce Willis
…..Katy Perry

Bruce Willis: Thank you to Katy Perry!

Katy Perry: Oh, thank you!

[ they bow to one another ]

Bruce Willis: Thank you to Lorne Michaels! And to the cast and crew! I had an incredible week, thank you so much! Be careful going home.

Katy Perry: [ laughing ] Or walking home!

Bruce Willis: Or walking home! Have a great week!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 3

13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry

Centauri Vodka

Mike…..Mike O’Brien
Richard…..Bobby Moynihan
Woman #1…..Aidy Bryant
Doug…..Bruce Willis
Eileen…..Nasim Pedrad
Randy…..John Milhiser
Woman #2…..Noel Wells
Woman #3…..Cecily Strong

[ open on party atmosphere ]

Mike: Congrats again, Richard! This is a fantastic launch party.

Richard: Thanks, man! You know, I really think this is gonna be big. Centauri Vodka… is a DAMN good vodka!

[ suddenly, a man in a centaur costume enters carrying a tray of drinks ]

Doug: Good evening! I am the Centauri Vodka centaur! [ he back half dances a bit ] Would you like a Centauri shot?

Woman #1: Yes, thank you.

Doug: Compliments of Centauri Vodka!

Woman #1: Well, thank you!

Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! Taste the fantasy for the warrior in us all!

Mike: Wow, he’s fantastic!

Woman #1: Yeah! Nice touch, Rich.

Richard: It adds to the ambience, right? Hey, let me introduce you to some of the investors, okay? Come on!

[ the three of them walk off, as Eileen walks forward ]

Doug: Eileen! Hey! Eileen, you have a second?

Eileen: Uh, yeah, Doug. But make it quick, okay? I have a LOT of VIPs to deal with.

Doug: The actor — The actor who’s playing my back legs — Randy — Really sweet guy. I’m a little worried about him.

Eileen: Okay, why? What did he say?

Doug: The guy’s been walking around for a half an hour in this costume, and he has no air holes back there.

Eileen: Okay, Doug — I love that you’re cocnerned, but Randy is fine. He’s an actor!

Doug: He’s not fine…!

Eileen: That’s what actors DO!

Doug: Can you pleeeease just check on him? Pleeeeeeease, Eileen!

Eileen: I’m telling you, Randy is FINE!

[ she unzips the back of the centaur costume, as a dehydrated Randy pokes his head out ]

Eileen: See? [ she shoves Randy’s head back in ]

Doug: Is he?!

Eileen: He LOVES it!! Okay?! Randy LOVES being an actor!

Doug: He’s got a head cold! He’s go a head cold! I heard him coughing while I was shaving my chest!

Eileen: Okay, Doug — JUst concentrate on being a centaur, and serving free vodka! Now, I need to find a friend for Vin Diesel, so he can stop staring at the wall!

[ reveal a confused Vin Diesel staring at the glowing wall ]

[ the Centaur approaches a pair of women, as his hind quarters attempt to keep up ]

Doug: Complimentary Centauri Vodka…?

Woman #2: Oh! Sure! Thanks!

Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! Taste the fant– [ he hears Randy wheezing ] Hang on, Randy! [ to the women ] Taste the fantasy for the warrior in us all…!

[ the centaur butt sags to the floor ]

Woman #3: Is your — Is your BUTT screaming?

Doug: A little… Eileen!

Eileen: [ annoyed ] What?!

Doug: [ whispering ] Eileen, Randy isn’t getting any oxygen!

Eileen: Doug! You GOTTA stop with the Randy stuff, okay? He’s all good! [ she rushes off ] Love you!

[ Richard returns ]

Richard: Okay, everybody — I would like to make a quick announcement! Okay? I just wanted to thank you for tonight! Okay? And by coming here tonight, you’ve showed me that you LOVE Centauri Vodka! It’s just good! It’s just wonderful! Okay? Thank you so much, everybody! Thank you!

[ meanwhile, Doug and Randy are crashing all over the room as Randy struggles to breathe inside the centaur costume ]

[ finally, Doug can only drag Randy’s lifeless body across the room ]

Doug: CENTAURI VODKA!! CENTAURI!!

Eileen: Doug! It’s horrifying!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts