Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Soulmates

Pianist…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Katy Perry
Bartender…..Abby Elliott
Guys in Crowd…..Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Jay Pharoah
Mike…..Bobby Moynihan
Priest…..Bill Hader

[ open in elegant nightclub, as Pianist sings ]

Pianist:
“I’ve got a ring made of gold
A handsome face, so I’ve been told
Well, I’ve got enough money to last ’til I’m old
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ Becky enters the nightclub and steps up to the bar ]

Bartender: What do you need?

Becky: What do I need? A soulmate. But I’ll settle for a Scotch.

Bartender: Coming right up. As for the other thing… just look around. Maybe he’s here tonight.

[ she glances around the room, spotting a trio of men who try to get her attention but fail to impress her. She sighs at these results. ]

Bartender: Can I get you something to eat?

Becky & Mike: How about a Colby beef burger, a Diet Sprite, and two bowls of clam chowder…?

[ they express surprise at their dual response ]

[ the Bartender steps away to give them a moment ]

Mike: What’s your name?

Becky: Rebeckie.

Mike: That’s my mother’s name.

Becky: What’s yours?

Mike: Mike.

Becky: That’s my mother’s name.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
“I got a big Cadillac
Got a fur coat on my back
I got a house so big you’ll have a heart attack
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Mike: First thing you need to know about me: I’m bad news. Trouble follows me everywhere.

Becky: I’ll take my chances. Favorite drink? Go!

Together: Scotch on the Rocks!

Mike: Nickname in high school?

Together: “Stupid Idiot”.

Becky: Favorite Ghostbuster?

Together: WINSTON!

Mike: Who’s the Boss?

Together: MONA!

Mike: You cagy little prairie dog.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
“I got big alligator shoes
I get ripped off of top-shelf booze
I got a backyard full of kangaroos
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Becky: What do you do?

Mike: I’m an English professor, specializing in the poetry of Jewel. You remember that singer? Jewel?

Becky: I-I think so. Does she look like this: [ she tugs her dress down to reveal Jewel tattooed over her right breast ]

Mike: And you?

Becky: I’m a psychiatrist, specializing in Ostroconophobia. The fear of shrimp.

Mike: I think I know it. Is it spelled like this: [ he pulls his shirt apart to reveal a tattoo of the word “Ostroconophobia” and a shrimp with a red line over it across his belly ]

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
“I eat filet mignon
I played Hoops and beat Lebron
Well, instead of a pillow, you know I sleep on a swan
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike, arms wrapped around one another while dancing ]

Mike: I told you — I’m bad news.

Becky: And I told you, I don’t care.

Mike: Well, then, I’ve got a question for you.

Becky: And I’ve got an answer for you.

Mike: You want to know my question? Just look in your glass.

[ she reaches into your glass and pulls out oan engagement ring ]

Becky: You want to know my answer? Look in your mouth!

[ he unfurls a note in his mouth that reads: “YES!” ]

Becky: How long before we get married?

Mike: Well, how long will it take you to turn around?

[ a Priest rises from behind the bar ]

Priest: Dearly beloved… we are gathered here today…

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
I got a flatscreen TV
A lot of models falling for me
I even got to sit down when I pee!
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ Becky and Mike stroll past ]

Becky: This was… the BEST night of my life!

Mike: It doesn’t have to end yet. As a matter of fact, I think we can make it last forever.

[ they kiss, as the elevator dings ]

[ the doors open to reveal an empty shaft, and Becky steps right into it without looking and screams ]

Mike: REBECCAAAAAAA!!!!

[ she lands with a splat ]

[ the music picks up, so Mike shakes it off and ambles over to the piano ]

Pianist: Well, you told her you were bad news.

Mike: I did. But I never told her that I loved her. Also, someone should take a look at that elevator.

Pianist: “But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t! Got! Looooooove!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Katy Perry
Drug Addict…..Matt Damon
Brilliant Lunatic…..Val Kilmer
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
Amelia Earhart…..Vanessa Bayer
Marilyn Monroe…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Katy Perry sitting outside by a holiday display, as Andy Samberg rushes in ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holiday?

Katy Perry: [ excited ] What!

Andy Samberg: The best gift there is — FRIENDSHIP!

Katy Perry: [ touched ] Aw, Andy!

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy decorating a Christmas tree ]

Andy & Katy: “…with holiday cheer.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wrapping lots of presents…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy caroling ]

Andy & Katy: “…and going caroling!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dressed for New Year’s Eve ]

Andy & Katy: “…at the end of the year.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wearing funny hats ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wearing funny hats…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy lying on a bed eating pocorn ]

Andy & Katy: “…and watching “Lion King”!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “Two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish hens.”

[ cut to Andy pointing ]

Andy Samberg: Look! It’s a handsome drug addict!

Drug Addict: How’s it going?

Katy Perry: Do you want to be best friends with us, too?

[ the music shuts off, as the drug addict growls ]

Drug Addict: …Okay.

[ cut to Andy, Katy and the drug addict dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “Three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…with holiday cheer!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy smelling flowers as the drug addict swats them ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re smelling all the flowers…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy eating pizza, as the drug addict swipes Andy’s slice ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…and munching on pizza!”

[ cut to drug addict stealing socks from a railing ]

Drug Addict: “We’re stealing socks…”

[ cut to drug addict digging through trash ]

Drug Addict: “…and digging through trash.”

[ cut to Andy holding his nose as he drops below frame in front of a businessman ]

Drug Addict: “And paying for our meth with sexual favors.”

[ the drug addict gives two thumbs up ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish –“

[ the drug addict jumps in front with a box of Depends ]

Drug Addict: “Wearing Depends!”

[ a brilliant lunatic walks up ]

Brilliant Lunatic: Hey — I’m a brilliant lunatic. I want to be friends, too!

Andy Samberg: Uh, no — we’re good.

Brilliant Lunatic: Then, it’s settled.

Katy Perry: No!

[ cut to Andy, Katy, the drug addict, and the brilliant lunatic dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “Four best friends…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic holding up meth baggies ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And we all love meth!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy with worried looks on their faces ]

Andy & Katy: “…who love holiday cheer…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic leaning against a car ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And huffing on gas fumes!”

[ cut to the brilliant lunatic’s science lab ]

Brilliant Lunatic:
“Then, I’ll force you over to my science lab
and make you watch me feed my failed bird-man experiment!

[ reveal Bird-Man ]

Bird-Man: Kill meeee!

[ cut to the quartet ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic:
“We’re four best friends
Fun never ends!”

Brilliant Lunatic: Speaking of fun — let’s play Russian Roulette.

Drug Addict: Great! I’ll go first!

[ the drug addict sticks a revolver in his mouth and pulls the trigger ]

[ blood splashes behind Any and Katy ]

Katy Perry: Okay, fuck this, I’m out of here!

Andy Samberg: [ worried ] What…?

Brilliant Lunatic: Bye.

[ Katy exits ]

Andy Samberg: [ nervously ] Looks like it’s back to two… [ he chuckles ]

[ the Bird-Man clears his throat ]

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Bird-Man dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Bird-Man: “Two-and-a-half friends!”

Bird-Man:
“I’m finally free!
I’m going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!”

[ the music stops ]

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Bird-Man: So, uh…

Brilliant Lunatic: Yeah. See ya’.

Bird-Man: [ holding a roll of condoms ] Don’t wait up! [ he exits ]

[ cut to Andy and the brilliant lunatic looking bored ]

Andy & Brilliant Lunatic: “Two guys left!”

Brilliant Lunatic:
“I built a time machine.
Let’s turn it on and meet Abraham Lincoln.”

[ a switch is pulled, and Abraham Lincoln appears ]

Abraham Lincoln: What’s up?

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Abraham Lincoln ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Abraham Lincoln: “Three best friends!”

Abraham Lincoln: Slavery sucks!

Andy Samberg: “This button is jammed…”

Brilliant Lunatic: “I’m sure it’s no problem.”

[ Amelia Earhart appears ]

Amelia Earhart: I’m the first woman —

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, and Ameia Earhart ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln & Amrlia Earhart: “Four best friends!”

[ Marilyn Monroe appears ]

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, and Marilyn Monroe ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amrlia Earhart & Marilyn Monroe: “Five best friends!”

[ others are zapped into the lab in wild succession ]

Andy & Crowd:
“We’re all best friends, with holiday cheer!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

[ SUPER: “Happy Holidays” ]

[ Bird-Man pops up ]

Bird-Man: “To meeeeee!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Kalle

Kalle…..Kristen Wiig
…..Katy Perry

[ open on station graphics ]

Announcer: you’re watching Finland 6, Finland’s fifth biggest television network. And now it’s time for “Kalle”!

[ dissolve to opening credits ]

[ dissolve to Kalle on-set ]

Kalle: Hello! I’m Kalle Jakkolla Welcome to “Kalle”. Today, our guest is a pop star of great renown. Please welcome Katy Perry!

[ Perry enters ]

Katy Perry: Hello, Kalle!

Kalle: Hi!

Katy Perry: Thanks for having me!

Kalle: Oh. Thanks for coming. You are a pop star of great renown!

Katy Perry: Uh — if you say so!

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos is.

Katy Perry: Well, there’s one called “Last Friday Night”… and that was inspired by my love of 80’s movies.

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from the music video ]

Kalle: That was it, yes?

Katy Perry: Yeah, that was it. It was a really fun video to make.

Kalle: Very good. Now, Katy — tell us about your personal life.

Katy Perry: Uh — okay. Well, uh — I’m married to Russell Brand…

Kalle: Ooh! We have clip!

[ cut to clip of Brand from “Arthur” ]

Kalle: That was him, yes?

Katy Perry: That’s him, alright…

Kalle: Yes! We have an EXCELLENT research team! Now… has has your trip to Finland been?

Katy Perry: It’s been a blast, um — although, sad story, I lost my luggage at the airport. So I don’t really —

Kalle: [ excited ] We have a clip!

[ cut to black-and-white security camera footage of Perry at the Lost and Found desk ]

Katy Perry: … It’s this big… and this tall… I’ve got my initials on a backpack: K.P.

[ return to talk show set ]

Katy Perry: [ unsteady ] How — how did you get that tape?

Kalle: I told you — we have an EXCELLENT research team!

Katy Perry: You know what? Uh — I don’t want to talk any more.

Kalle: Yes, but why not?

Katy Perry: Because I’m afraid of… whatever I say, you’ll have a clip.

Kalle: What is wrong with that? Having a clip is a common talk show device.

Katy Perry: I understand that, but when I came on your show today, I didn’t —

Kalle: Ooh! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from earlier in the talk show ]

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos —

[ return to live interview ]

Kalle: [ laughing ] I remember that! Now… tell us some things!

Katy Perry: Uh — no, thank you!

Kalle: Yes! NOW, please!

Katy Perry: I don’t… want to… [ she shakes her head ]

Kalle: Pleeeeeease, Katy? Ooh, please!

Katy Perry: Fine. Um — but promise me you won’t do any more clips, okay?

Kalle: Very good! Now… tell us more things!

Katy Perry: Okay. I, uh —

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to close-up on an eye looking about ]

Katy Perry: What is it with you? Talk show hosts are supposed to have charisma — you’re like… a robot. Now, what happens at the end of this show? Let me guess — [ intended sarcastically ] you go back to a cold, dark apartment and drink tea while your cats watch, or something?

Kalle: [ sullen ] We have clip.

[ cut to Kalle drinking tea in a cold, dark apartment surrounded by cats ]

[ return to Perry, stunned by this reality ]

Katy Perry: I’m so sorry, I-I did not know…

Kalle: Yes. It’s not your fault.

Katy Perry: Look — it’s just, i’ve been on tour and I’m tired, I’m really stressing… I shouldn’t have snapped like that.

Kalle: [ perking up ] You snapped! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip of Perry snapping her fingers at one of her concerts ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] Wow… you really do have a great research team.

Kalle: [ pleased ] Do you mean it?

Katy Perry: Yeah!

Kalle: Did you have fun on “Kalle”?

Katy Perry: I did. I think you’re great.

Kalle: [ touched ] You do?

Katy Perry: I do! I can even see us being friends one day.

Kalle: [ ecstatic ] We have a clip!

[ cut to Kalle and Perry laughing over glasses of wine at a restaurant, clinking their glasses and wrapping them around each other’s arms before taking a sip ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] When did that happen?

Kalle: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Katy Perry: [ suddenly very afraid ] Okay… I’m going to leave now. [ she stands and leaves ]

Kalle: They all do. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have on “Kalle”! Good night!

[ she stands to dance like a robot as the credits roll ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Goodnights

…..Katy Perry

Katy Perry: Thanks to Robyn! Darrell Hammond and Alec Baldwin tonight! And thank you so much to the cast, my friends — I love you, I don’t want it to end! [ she mimics crying, then points to the audience ] Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 10th, 2011

Katy Perry

Robyn

None

Darrell Hammond

Matt Damon

Val Kilmer

Alec Baldwin

None

Jorma Taccone

On The Record with Greta Van SusterenSummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) speaks with Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond), who’s disappointed that only Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) and Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) are interested in participating in a Republican debate to be moderated by him.

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump.

Montage

Katy Perry’s MonologueSummary: Katy Perry admits that her weird wardrobe choices are based on people she knew growing up, like hair salon/bakery owner Janet Frankel (Kristen Wiig), ugly model Kathy-Beth Kerry (Andy Samberg), and fireworks victim Tom (Bill Hader), and they all want to kiss her.

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with Hello Kitty-obsessed Kirstie Davenport (Katy Perry).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan’s Girlfriend.

The ApocalypseSummary: In a spoof of “Valentine’s Day” and “New Year’s Eve”, thousands of celebrities participate in a romantic-comedy set during the Apocalypse.

Recurring Characters: Christina Aguilera, Penny Marshall, Osama bin Laden, Alan Alda, Ashton Kutcher, Cuba Gooding Jr., Philip Seymour Hoffman, Al Roker, Drew Barrymore, Kim Cattrall.

KalleSummary: Finland talk show host Kalle Jakkolla (Kristen Wiig) interviews Katy Perry, but flusters the pop singer with an extensive use of clips provided by her show’s crack research team.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about being “Best Friends” with Katy Perry, a drug addict (Matt Damon), a brilliant lunatic (Val Kilmer), and a host of famous people from the past.

Recurring Characters: Abraham Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe, Amelia Earhart.

Transcript

Doggie DutySummary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to “Doggie Duty”.

Recurring Characters: Randy Newman, Gwen Stefani, Meat Loaf, Clint Eastwood.

Robyn performs “Call Your Girlfriend”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Flirting expert Rebecca Larue (Kristen Wiig) sluts herself out to land a piece of Seth Meyers. Captain Steve Rogers (Alec Baldwin) makes a clumsy apology for having actor Alec Baldwin kicked off an American Airlines flight for playing a game of his cell phone earlier in the week. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines the hottest nightclubs for families seeking the ultimate New York experience at Christmastime.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Royal PregnancySummary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) beleaguer Kate Middleton (Abby Elliott) for not yet being pregnant with Prince William’s (Andy Samberg) child, but take a liking to the hooligan nature of her sister Pippa Middleton (Katy Perry).

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Prince William, Kate Middleton.

Politics Nation with Al SharptonSummary: Amateur television personality Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) misses all his cues while talking politics with Kelly O’Donnell (Katy Perry) and Jim VandeHei (Taran Killam).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.

Robyn performs “Dancing On My Own”

SoulmatesSummary: Becky (Katy Perry) enters a piano bar in search of a soulmate and finds Mike (Bobby Moynihan), with whom she has absolutely everything in common with, and decides to marry him immediately.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Katy Perry), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Zooey Deschanel.

Dr. WeekendSummary: Dr. Weekend (Jason Sudeikis) discovers that he’s getting too old to do the wild things he used to do when he was younger.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

VerizonSummary: Verizon accepts trade-ins on extremely old, outdated cell phones.

Half Jewish Half Italian Completely NeuroticSummary: Tommy Palmese (Fred Armisen) alienates his audience with his personal in-your-face one-man off-off-Broadway show.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Jimmy Fallon.

Googie Rene’s Partially Damaged Christmas DecorationsSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells Christmas decorations at a discount because his inventory is damaged.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

An SNL Digital Short

Jim Gordon…..Steve Buscemi
Batman…..Andy Samberg
Aquaman…..Paul Brittain
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Gotham City — night ]

[ standing on a rooftop, Commissioner Jim Gordon turns on the Bat Signal and waits ]

Batman: Looking for someone?

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] Geez, Batman — you snuck up on me.

Batman: I think there’s something fishy going on in Arkham!

Jim Gordon: The Joker?

Batman: Only one way to find out!

Jim Gordon: Great. I’ll send out an APB. [ he turns his head for a split-second ] Yuo let me know what you find — [ he realizes Batman is gone ] He likes to do that…

[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s kitchen, as he opens the fridge and digs into a Haagan-Daaz container ]

[ suddenly, Batman pushes the fridge door closed ]

Batman: You really ought to get a BOWL!

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] What the hell are you doing here?!

Batman: I think the Scarecrow’s up to something!

Jim Gordon: Okay, I’ll look into it… but can you let me know you’re coming next time?

Batman: No one in Gotham will be SAFE if we don’t stop him!

Jim Gordon: Fine! I’ll put in a call and have them do a sweep down in — [ he looks up, but Batman is gone ] What a weirdo!

[ transition from daytime city sweep to Jim Gordon scrubbing in the shower ]

[ he turns and is startled by Batman’s presence in his shower ]

Jim Gordon: GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!!

Batman: Aquaman, too!

Aquaman: [ meekly ] The water’s off in my building.

Jim Gordon: Get out, NOW! And put some pants on!

[ wide shot reveals all three men are bottomless, as Aquaman slowly looks down at Jim Gordon’s penis ]

[ cut to Jim Gordon at his doctor’s office ]

Doctor: Well… Jim, you’re in great health. All we gotta do is check the ol’ prostate, and we’ll get you out of here.

Jim Gordon: Great. Let’s get this over with.

[ the doctor tightens his surgical glove, as Jim winches ]

[ suddenly, Batman rises over Jim ]

Batman: The Penguin got a credit card!

Jim Gordon: [ annoyed ] GET OUT OF HERE!!

Batman: FINE!!

[ Batman smiles and raises a digital camera for a compromising photo, as the doctor poses behind Jim, then he disappears ]

[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s bedroom, as he sits in bed next to his wife ]

Jim Gordon: He has no boundaries.

Wife: Well, you don’t need any boundaries with me, Mister.

Jim Gordon: Is that so? [ he drops his newspaper ] Well, I’m happy to oblige, my lady…

[ Jim jumps on top of his wife, only to find Batman lying in her place ]

Batman: Her Riddler costume is weird!

Jim Gordon: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! [ he jumps to his feet ] WHERE’S MY WIFE?!

Wife: Over here.

[ reveal his wife wearing a Riddler costume ]

Wife: He made me put this on.

Batman: See how WEIRD it is!

Jim Gordon: That’s it! Don’t ever TALK to me again!

Batman: FINE!! [ he stomps away ]

Jim Gordon: Unbelievable!

[ Batman reappears in a squirrel costume ]

Batman: Hey! I’m the Squirrel! I’m a new villain that’s gonna take over Gotham — but Batman won’t stop me because you were MEAN to him!

Jim Gordon: Take that off, Moron!

[ Batman appears behind Jim ]

Batman: I’ve always loved you!

[ Batman logo zooms forward ]

Jingle: Batman!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive

Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Dustin Van Camp…..Steve Buscemi

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium.

[ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]

Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me!

[ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]

Ed Vincent: The New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent has NO authority to give advice in matters relating to sex. Do the opposite of what he says”? His opinions should be regarded as farcical”? What?! Well, I don’t know about that. What I do know is that you can put the sex spark back in your marriage by attendng —

[ cut to Symposium graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive.

[ show footage of the 3 Day Seminar ]

Ed Vincent V/O: You’ll be treated to a series of lectures that’ll help you pump some razzle-dazzle back into your love life. Covering topics like: Aphrodisiacs… [ footage of Ed tossing a streamer across the room ] Sounds That Arouse… [ footage of Ed enticing a woman in the crowd with a cowbell ] and Changing The Routine. [ footage of Ed lying on his back with his legs spread in the air ]

[ wipe to Ed demonstrating with a coffee pot ]

Ed Vincent: What if we replace your regular coffee filter with… [ he pulls out a pair of women’s panties ] a pair of women’s underpants? Right? [ a mna in the crowd doesn’t seem amused ] And that’s a great way to kickstart your morning!

[ wipe to Ed giving another demonstration ]

Ed Vincent: Spice thing up with sexy love coupons. One right here says: “One Free Dry Hump”. [ he holds up the coupon ] Alright? Here’s another one: “You Can Go To Town On Me”. Okay? A little more open-ended.

[ a man in the crowd jots these phrases down ]

Ed Vincent V/O: You can also surprise your spouse in the spouse with: Shower Surprises.

[ two men from the crowd hold up a spotted shower curtain ]

[ Ed appears from behind the curtain with pool floaties on his arm ]

[ SUPER: “Mr. Floaties” ]

[ next, Ed appears from behind the curtain while blowing a party favor ]

[ SUPER: “It’s Your Birthday” ]

[ next, Ed appears from behind the curtain weilding a rubber knife ]

[ SUPER: “The Psycho” — “DO NOT ATTEMPT” ]

[ next, Ed appears from behind the curtain while wearing a Ronald Reagan mask ]

[ SUPER: “The Reagan” ]

[ wipe to Day 2, with guest speaker ]

Ed Vincent V/O: On Day 2, we’ll hear from guest speaker — The Erotic Chef, Dustin Van Camp.

Dustin Van Camp: Now, we tend to think of the kitchen as a boring place. But what if I told you that food can be sexy? [ a woman in the crowd looks dubious ] Now, what do we got here? Just another old boring hot dog on a plate. But — what if I took these two grapes, and I put them at the bottom of the hot dog? [ he demonstrates the phallic imagery ] I think you all know where I’m going with that! [ another woman looks embarrassed ]

[ wipe to the Erotic Chef’s next demonstration ]

Dustin Van Camp: Now, what do we got here? Boring old cantaloupes sitting next to each other on a plate? I couldn’t be less aroused. But — what if I took these two red Lifesavers, and I just plopped them… [ he demonstrates ] I think you know where I’m going with that! I just plop one of these hot dogs right in the center, and… [ he holds up the obscene imagery ] and Voila!

[ wipe to Day 3 graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: In Day 3, we’ll move to the bedroom with techniques for heterosexual couples, as well as same sex couples.

Ed Vincent: Same sex couples need to spice things up in the bedroom as well, okay? Here’s an exciting change of pace for you. [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] Everybody see that? That’s a front of a penis… pushing into a nice side of a penis. Just like that. Here’s another one called “The Credit Card”, alright? [ he demonstrates ] You got a side of a penis and a side of a penis, right? Run it across. It says “Swipe card again.” Alright? Run it across… swipe card again, it says. Run it across one more time. “Transaction authorized”? I think we all know what that means. Alright? Here’s another one I call “Bumps On A Log”. [ he demonstrates ] Alright? You just swoop across — top of a penis, like that. [ he holds up his fist ] These are NARDS here, okay? This is two dudes, again — you just get bottom of the nards against the top of the penis… bottom of the nards against the top of the penis… bottom of the nards against the top of the penis. [ the Erotic Chef smokes as he watches ] And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!

[ wipe to Ed Vincent performing a bondage demonstration and passing out star balloons to his group ]

Ed Vincent V/O: So come on down to “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Couples Workshop Sex Intensive, at the Raymondville State Park EconoLodge — December 4th, 5th… and from 8 a.m. until checkout on the 6th.

[ cut to Ed Vincent holding his fingers in the Credit Card position ]

Ed Vincent: All major credit cards… [ he swipes his fingers ] accepted! Swipe again!

[ Disclaimer: “Cash is the preferred method of payment” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Ornaments

Male Sheila…..Steve Buscemi
Sheila…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christmas setting, Male Sheila seated before the tree holding a box of ornaments on his lap ]

Male Sheila: Oh. Hello. Well, it’s that time of year again — time to unpack the ol’ Christmas ornaments. Let’s see what we’ve got. [ he pulls out an ornament ] This one’s a little reindeer wearing a hat. It’s cute as heck! At least, I think so. Sheila, would you hang this, please?

[ reveal Sheila standing before the tree in a long, bright yellow robe ]

Sheila: [ smiling emptily ] Okay, well…

Male Sheila: This is, uh, a little Santa Claus in sunglasses. When I saw this, I was, like, “Santa’s on va-cay!” Okay? [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Here’s a little ski man. I tried to return this one because it only has one ski pole… but when I went back, the store had blown up. [ he hands it to Sheila ] You look very good tonight, Sheila.

Sheila: [ dumbly ] I know.

Male Sheila: She’s great. [ he holds up the next ornament ] Now, this is a little snowman. Ow! he bit me! I’m fully kidding. [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s just a candy cane. Alright? [ he hands it to Sheila, then grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck are you doing? [ Sheila stares at the tree ] You can’t hang all the ornaments in one spot!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] I know.

Male Sheila: Oh, wow! This one’s from my very first Christmas. [ he holds up the ornmament, dated “2008” ] 2008. [ he shrugs ] I just never heard of it! It never came up! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little computer. [ he touches the keys ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little pine cone. [ he touches the pine cone ] Beep-boop-beep! [ he hands it over to Sheila and pulls out the next ornament ] Alright, quick — name this baby! If you said Larry… you’re close. It’s Jesus. [ he turns to Sheila ] Oh, no, Sheila! What are you doing?

[ Sheila is placing the ornaments along the window ]

Sheila: You said spread ’em out. [ she tosses an ornament to the floor ]

Male Sheila: This broad is trying to gaslight me. [ he pulls out the next ornament ] This one’s a little igloo. I wouldn’t want to live in there. Just kidding. I’d like to own any home. [ he pulls up an ornament from under his chair ] This one’s been up my butt. Not just a little bit — all the way. [ he turns to Sheila and grimaces ] Sheila! What the heck? [ the tree is gone ] Where’s the tree?!

Sheila: [ she shrugs ] It’s not here.

Male Sheila: [ he sighs ] Ohhhh, Sheila. [ an egg nog is handed to him ] Ooooh! Egg nog margarita! Well, ’tis the season! Merry Christmas, Sheila.

Sheila: Merry Christmas, Sheila.

[ they toast their glasses ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Happy Holidays from Sheila and Sheila.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening! I hope you all had a safe and happy Thanksgiving, and enjoyed your shopping on Black Friday. Now, for two years I’ve been hearing nothing except how consumer confidence is in the toilet, then all of a sudden I see that THOUSANDS of you are at Wal-Mart pepper-spraying each other for an X-Box. Which is it?!

For the past few mnoths, I’ve been working hard to turn our economy around. In September, I gave a speech to a joint session of Congress urging them to pass the American Jobs Act, my comprensive plan to get people back to work. Remember that speech? [ he smirks ] Nope? In the end, that speech got me two things: Jack and Squat. Also, I recently learned that the Supreme Court will rule on the constitutionality of my Healthcare Reform bill, and it’s possible they may kill it. That’s right: Take my signature piece of legislation into a quiet room and shoot it in the back of the head like Joe pesci in “Goodfellas”.

But I’m not angry — I’m actually past angry, because I’ve learned a lot in the last couple of years. I used to think that being president meant you had a lot of power. But now I know it’s more of a ceremonial position, a majestic figurehead whose main duties are shaking the hands of this year’s WNBA champions, and nodding and smiling when Chinese dignitaries ask if they can touch your hair. In fact, there are a lot of myths out there about who has power in this country, and I want to clear those up — tonight!

[ he stands before a chart ]

Now, this chart illustrates how we were taught our government worked in grade school. Remember this We have three branches: Legislative… Judicial… and mine, the Executive. All sharing power equally. But that’s not how it is.

[ he removes the chart to reveal a series of slides ]

This chart shows how our country actually works today. Okay? I’ll go from the most powerful institution to the least. And let me tell you — the presidency is not even in the top five.

Okay. [ he pulls the first slide ] First: Congress. Do they do anything? NO! But, because of them, no one else can, either. They’re like Hotel California. My legislation checks in, but it can never leave. And bcause of that, they’re Number One.

Number Two: [ he pulls slide ] Grover Norquist, who got 276 Republicans and 3 Democrats to sign a pledge that they will NEVER raise taxes under ANY circumstances. WOW! I tried to get some Democrats to pledge to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies from my daughter Malia, and all I got was one “Maybe” from Nancy Pelosi. Come on! The Thin Mints are very refreshing. [ he smiles ]

Next: [ he pulls slide ] Oprah. I know she doesn’t have a show any more, but there’s still 150 million out there who, because of Oprah, have an unread Toni Morrison book on their shelves. And they proudly tell their co-workers that they believe in angels. You think I can do that? I still have to ask our driver to pull up to the White House because michelle won’t get her hair wet. She’s a proud Black woman, what can I do?

Four: [ he pulls slide ] NFL. Now, this may sound silly, but I promise you: If this address were to interrupt a game, tey wouldn’t even carry it. Even if the Cardinals were playing the Jaguars. Come on. Tell me I’m wrong. Also: How many of you out there have a Fantasy Congress League? [ he cracks himself up ] Thanks for that joke, Joe Biden!

[ he pulls slide ] Next is Mark Zuckerberg. Now, if you’re skeptical, consider this: In 2008, I had to beg to get 69 million votes. Meanwhile, 800 million of you have given this man photos of yourself drunk at a Christmas party wearing a giant Cat in the Hat hat.

Six: [ he pulls slide ] Supreme Court.

[he pulls next slide ] After that, it’s a tie between George Soros and the Kock Brothers. I know they would love to be lumped together.

[ he pulls next slide ] Eight: Pixar.

[ he pulls next slide ] Nine: Tyler Perry.

Ten: [ he pulls slide ] Verizon customer service.

[ he pulls next slide ] And, finally: Me, the president. [ he pulls next slide ] Barely above Pippa Middleton… [ he pulls the last slide ] and the Kia Gerbils.

See? I may not have all the power I used to, but… I still have more than all the Republican candidates combined. And I still get to say: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

Steve Buscemi’s Monologue

…..Steve Buscemi
Roz…..Abby Elliott
Chance…..Kenan Thompson
Tex…..Bill Hader
Judge…..Jay Pharoah
Granny…..Nasim Pedrad
Jock…..Andy Samberg
Drunk…..Bobby Moynihan
Horror Girl…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Buscemi!

Steve Buscemi: Thank you! Thank you very much! I am really very excited to be here! It’s been a few years since I’ve hosted “Saturday Night Live”, and in that time… I’ve done a lot of movies, a little directing, but, best of all, I got to be the LEAD on HBO’s “Boardwalk Empire”. [ the audience cheers ] A series that follows the seedy underworld of 1920’s Atlantic City. It’s hard to believe, but, back then, Jersey Shore was home to some pretty disgusting people. The success I’ve had with “Boardwalk Empire” is kind of special for me. You see, for a long time I played supporting characters — like the creepy bellhop… the creepy homeless guy… or the creepy creepy guy. Even though I love those roles, I’m excited that I made the leap from character actor to LEAD actor.

[ cut to woman in the audience holding shopping bags ]

Roz: Uh — excuse me?

Steve Buscemi: Yes?

Roz: Hi! I’m Roz. I’m a character actress.

Steve Buscemi: Oh. Well, what characters do you play?

Roz: Well, actually, I only play the clumsy best friend in romantic comedies. How can I get a lead role like you?

Steve Buscemi: That’s a good question, Roz. It’s hard to get lead roles.

Roz: Gosh! Of course! Duh! Come on, Roz! This is why I’m single! [ suddenly, she loses her footing and flails wildly to the floor ]

Steve Buscemi: Is she okay?

Chance: Oh, she’ll be fine! She just needs to get a twinkle pack!

Steve Buscemi: Have me wet?

Chance: No, but folks call me Chance! I always play the magical African-American character in films. Yeah, I give the pretty white guy ad-vice. But now I want to be the lead!

Steve Buscemi: Oh. That’s interesting. What kind of project would you be the lead in?

Chance: Well, it would be a show where I chew a straw! [ he chews on his straw ] And chuckle to myself! [ he chuckles ] Yeah — and give people ad-vice. As soon as the ad-vice works, however, I disappear! [ he lowers himself from camera view, though still within frame ]

Steve Buscemi: Uhhh — I can still see you. Alright, look — I’m glad you’re all particpating and excited, but —

Tex: Yeah, I’m excited! I’m Tex! And I always play the guy in war movies you just KNOW is gonna die! Can you help me get a lead role?

Steve Buscemi: Probably not, Tex.

Tex: You want to see a picture of my girl? I kep it right under my grenade pin. Uh, here you go… [ he fidgets with his grenade ]

Steve Buscemi: Stop, stop, Tex! We don’t need to see the picture.

Judge: [ waving a gavel ] I’ll allow the photo, Counselor!

Steve Buscemi: Who are you?

Judge: I’m a sassy female judge from many a legal thriller. I can’t stand nonsense in my courtroom… but I will allow it.

Steve Buscemi: Ma’am? I appreciate it, but everyone could stop jumping up, okay?

Dude: Heyyyy, Bro! [ a beat ] Yuo take care of her.

Steve Buscemi: What’s your whole deal?

Dude: I’m the dude who loses his girlfriend in a movie but tells the new guy: “Hey, Bro! You take care of her.”

Steve Buscemi: Okay, I’m sorry you lost your girl…

Granny: Oh, yeah! If you want someone to get freaky with, I’ll knock boots, Player!

Steve Buscemi: Ohhh… you’re that Granny character, who says dirty and/or hip-hop things.

Granny: Oh! You got me straight-tripping, whoo!

Steve Buscemi: Okay, look — I’m hosting right now, so here’s what we have to do —

Drunk: I know what we have to do! VEGAS!

Steve Buscemi: I am NOT going to Las Vegas! Any other ideas?

Drunk: Ummmm — [ she shakes his head ] Vegas?

Steve Buscemi: Okay. I’ll give everyone advice, but then we move on. If you learn your lines, work hard, cross your fingers… maybe — just maybe — you’ll get to be a leading actor.

Horror Girl: Steve! [ wielding a rubber knife ] I’m the helpless girl from horror movies who can’t find her friends! [ flailing wildly ] STEVE!! Steve, where are you?! I can’t see anything!!

Steve Buscemi: I’m behind you. Hold the knife steady! You’re holding it like a hair dryer.

Horror Girl: Who’s there?! Steve! Steve, this isn’t funny! Steve!

Steve Buscemi: I’m right here! Uh, we’ve got a great show! The Black Keys are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts