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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Buchanan Brothers

Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain

INT. FOUTS HOME – NIGHT

[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]

Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.

Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…

Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?

Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!

[ The youngsters depart. ]

Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.

Dan Fouts: About what?

Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?

Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.

Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.

Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —

[ He holds up a CD. ]

[ COVER ART OF “THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS – KEEPING IT SOFT: ULTIMATE TURN-OFFS” ]

Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.

Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!

[ CUT TO PERFORMING STAGE ]

[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]

[ SUPER: “REMEMBER THAT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”

Both: [ singing ]
“Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]

Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!

Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.

Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DEEP DOWN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft hug.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft kiss.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”

Both: [ singing ]
“If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.

Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “SO RIGHT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about the Native Americans.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about what we did to them.”

Both: [ singing ]
“We’ll never make that right!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?

Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –

[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]

Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”

[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”

[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]

Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…

[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”

Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “IRRE’CYST’ABLE” ]

Both: [ singing ]
“Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]

Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!

[ She runs upstairs quick. ]

Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.

[ Dan chuckles. ]

Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.

Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!

Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.

Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“I love you!”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“And I want you!”

Both: [ singing ]
“Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You breathe in other people’s skin!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.

Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

[ CD COVER ART ]

[ SUPER: AVAILABLE WHEREVER CD’S ARE STILL SOLD. ]

Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.

[ END ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Situation Room

Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Jennifer Kates…..Vanessa Bayer
T-shirt crew members…..Taran Killam, Nasim Pedrad

[ open on “The Situation Room” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer standing before monitor ]

Wolf Blitzer: [ mumbly throughout ] Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer. And this… this is “The Situation Room”, which, three nights a week, also doubles as my bedroom. Earlier this week, President Barack Obama spoke in el Paso, Texas. And while the topic of the speech was Immigration Reform, it also seemed as if the President were taking a victory lap after the capture and death of Osama bin Laden. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: [ pointing to his supporters ] Thank you! Thank you! [ laughing ] You feeling GOOD, El Paso? [ the crowd cheers ] I’m feeling good, too! I’m gonna talk about immigration, but first, I’m not sure if you heard the news — We killed bin Laden! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha, that’s right! Ha ha ha! Yeah! It’s great to be back here in Texas, the Lone Star state, home of George W. Bush, the 43rd President — The 43rd president to NOT kill bin Laden, this is! We got him! We got bin Laden! Ha ha ha! [ the crowd cheers ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: I’m joined now by senior political analyst Jennifer Kates! Jennifer, the President seems incredibly upbeat.

Jennifer Kates: Well, simply put, Wolf: Killing Osama bin Laden has put the President in a great mood. It’s a clean political win, he knows it, and I can’t remember the last time I saw him this relaxed and confident.

Wolf Blitzer: Indeed! So confident. In fact, at one point in the speech, he started openly smoking!

[ return to Obama, now smoking a cigarette as he addresses the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Yeah. Killed bin Laden. ME! Barack Hussein Obama. Ha ha ha! Yeah, that’s right. I’m not hiding anything any more! And I’m not hiding THESE! [ he holds up his cigarette ] I’m not hiding the “Hussein”, either! Don’t have to! In fact, I might even drop the “Barack”! “President Hussein Obama”! Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s how good I’M feeling! We killed bin Laden! Walked into his house, shot him right in the head! BOOM-shaka-laka! Ha ha ha ha!

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, Jennifer, ostensibly this speech was about immigration.

Jennifer Kates: Correct, Wolf. But, in what may be a preview of what’s to come on the campaign trail, every time he started talking about policy, it kept coming back around to bin Laden.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Ha ha ha ha! They’re going to say “Obamacare”? I’m going to say “Guy-who-killed-bin-Laden-care”! [ the crowd cheers ] Yeah, yeah! They’re gonna say: “Where are the jobs?” Yeah! I say: “I got a job opening! Al-Quaeda Number One! Now accepting applications!” Ha ha ha! I get one of those? Can I get one more of these, please? [ he holds up his empty water bottle ] Thank you. Alright. Now, uh — people want to see a picture of Osama bin Laden, but, you know, we’re not gonna do that. We don’t spike the football. But we can do a little touchdown dance! ?? Shuffle? [ he shuffles ] Ha ha ha ha! Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow! That is really loose!

Jennifer Kates: The crowd WAS with him, and he KNEW it! At times, it almost verged into stand-up comedy.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: What else I got? [ he glances at notes on his podium ] Oh, yeah. Pakistan’s all angry at me. They’re like, “You should’ve called! You need to be better at communication!” I was like, “Take it easy, Pakistan! I’ve already GOT a wife!” Ha ha ha ha! Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers, as he points into the crowd ] This guy knows what I’m talking about, right here! Ha ha ha! Yeah. Did you ever notice how white presidents are always like, “We’re gonna find bin Laden, no matter where he hides!” But a BLACK president’s like, “You’ll DIE, bitch!!” Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha ha ha ha!

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Mmm. It seems as if he’s using “Killed bin Laden” as if it’s a catchphrase.

Jennifer Kates: Oh, it seemed like he was working on a couple of catchphrases.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Now… if your idea of a home theater is a 13-inch Sanyo and a roomful of loose wires… you MIGHT be a terrorist! [ the crowd cheers ] Alright. Well, enough talking. Let’s get those t-shirt guns out here!

[ T-shirt crew members fire t-shirts into the crowd ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Mmm. A memorable speech, indeed. We’ll take a break. When we return, terrifying news if you’re planning to be a passenger on Southwest Airlines flight [ he mumbles the number incoherently ] But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Goodnights

…..Ed Helms

Ed Helms: Thanks to Paul Simon… Lindsey Buckinghan… Chris Colfer… Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm! And thanks to… Lorne Michaels and this incredible cast and crew, the writers and everybody. I’ve had an incredible week! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

TV Funhouse

Ace…..Jon Hamm
Gary…..Jimmy Fallon
Bighead…..Steve Carell
Dr. Brainio…..Stephen Colbert
Two Face…..Ed Helms
Lizardo…..Fred Armisen

Jingle:
“The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “The Dark Clenched Hole of Evil.”

[ open in Big Head’s secret laboratory ]

Dr. Brainio: And with this flesh-ray weapon I’ve designed, no one will be safe from our deadly carnivorous cyber-eel.

Bighead: Never mind that! We’ve broken into Ace & Gary’s communication network!

Dr. Brainio: So we can track their whereabouts?

Bighead: No! Their credit card account! Any smoking guns, Lizardo?

Lizardo: [ on the computer ] Not yet. Subscriptions to Men’s Fitness, Men’s Cleanliness, GQ…

Bighead: GQ’s gay!

Half Face: Not as much any more. They’ve got that “Women Men Love” thing.

Bighead: THAT’S Esquire!

[ cut to City Hall ]

Commissioner: Ace! Gary! we have reason to believe Bighead and his cronies are hacking into your system!

Ace: [ over phone ] Why, Commissioner, that’s a penetration of our privacy.

Commissioner: Uh… I think that term is… “invasion”, Ace.

Ace: Those villains! They’re trying to probe our most sensitive areas. I can feel it.

[ the Commissioner shirks ]

Ace: Commissioner? Are you there?

Commissioner: We really have to be going…

Ace: Commissioner, we make a great team! You finger the perps, and we give them our fists!

Commissioner: Gotta go!

Ace: To the Duo Car, Gary!

Gary: You got it, Ace!

[ they run out of their workout room ]

[ Ace & Gary zoom through the alley in heir penis-shaped car ]

Ace: Time’s running out! THRUST it, Gary!

[ Gary pulls the thrust handle, as the car stretches in size, pulsates, then flies into the air ]

[ cut to Bighead’s lab ]

Lizardo: Let’s see… nose hair trimmer…

Bighead: What about gay porn?

Lizardo: The online gay porn sites are very secure. I have my limits.

Half Face: So… if someone had bleached their pubic hair, you couldn’t find out?

Lizardo: Well… yes. If a person bought items that would indicate it, I could.

Half Face: What if he paid cash… or used a credit card once, in 1997? Does that follow him to his grave?

Dr. Brainio: Moving on.

Bighead: Here’s a suggestion: Let’s just survey all the male hookers in the area and find out who they’ve been sleeping with?

Dr. Brainio: That’s not a good idea!

Lizardo: Nope!

Minion: I don’t like it.

Dr. Brainio: Don’t say anything…

[ Ace & Gary hover outside Bighead’s lab ]

Gary: Where’s the entrance, Ace?

Ace: Let’s just stick it RIGHT through the duster, Gary.

[ they begin to through thrust the car against the outer wall ]

Ace: Reverse! Thrust! Reverse! Thrust! Reverse!

[ it’s a no-go ]

Ace: Vibration mode!

[ the front of the car begins to vibrate wildly, enabling them to crash through the wall and disrupt the criminals ]

Ace: NOW who’s being penetrated without expecting it?!

Bighead: Epic pop-in.

Dr. Brainio: The flesh-ray! Fire it NOW!

[ Half Face fires the flesh-ray ]

[ the rays zap Ace & Gary, as the screen morphs into live-action ]

Ace: What’s… happening… Gary?

Gary: Feeling… smooth.

Ace: You scoundrels! Transforming my partner into warm, juicy flesh!

Gary: Plus, we’re LETTER-BOXED!

Dr. Brainio: You’re finished! Release the cyber-eel!

Half Face: Wait! This ray won’t stop firing!

[ the flesh-ray zaps the cyber-eel, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the Duo Car, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the criminals, who morphs into live-action ]

Half Face: It’s the GUN! I swear!

Bighead: [ to Dr. Brainio ] Tell me something! How much did you PAY for that thing?!

Dr. Brainio: Less than I paid for your mother!

[ Bighead growls ]

Dr. Brainio: [ pointing at Ace & Gary ] Get them!

[ Ace and Gary put up their dukes and point their butt cheeks at one another ]

[ they start punching the criminals, including a split-punch to the groin courtesy of Gary ]

Gary: Think we can take them, Ace?

Ace: I think we Can-Can!

[ Ace and Gary wraps their arms across each others shoulder, then administer Can-Can kicks to the henchmen ]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?

Gang: NOTHING!!

[ Ace & Gary Can-Can kick more henchmen ]

Dr. Brainio: We can’t stop them! We need a new plan!

Lizardo: May I suggest something we haven’t addressed?

Dr. Brainio: Yes. Please.

Lizarso: What if they are bi?

Dr. Brainio: Oh, come on! Let’s go!

Bighead: I agree with Brainio! Nobody is bi! That is just a gay guy who occasionally bangs a lady!

Half Face: Well, what’s Andy Dick, then?

Dr. Brainio: Can we go, PLEASE?!

Ace: There could be more, Gary. We better get a good stretch.

[ Ace & Gary strecth across one another, as everyone watches ]

Dr. Brainio: I’m BEGGING you… to FOCUS! Come on!

[ the criminals silently exit the lab ]

Gary: They got away, Ace!

Ace: Hold on, Friend of Friends! [ he touches his nipple through his costume ] I’m picking up some disturbing chatter on my Pec-sponder! They’ve gone to the roof!

[ Gary pats Ace on the ass, and they run ]

[ the cyber-eel desperately tries to bust out of its glass case ]

[ Ace & Gary run out of a dark alley outside ]

Ace: Quick! Gary! Climb on my back!

[ Gary jumps on Ace’s back as the henchmen arrive, each one getting knocked down by a swift blow from Gary’s bulbous butt cheeks ]

[ Ace presses a button, releasing a grappler claw from his crotch area that fires upward and secures a hold at the top of the building ]

[ back inside the lab, the cyber-eel has smashes its way out of its glass case ]

[ atop the rooftop, Bighead and his gang try to escape as Ace & Gary appear ]

Ace: We gotcha NOW, Bighead! You may look real… but you’re STILL —

[ the cyber-eel lurches over the edge of the building and attacks Ace & Gary ]

Ace: I got the tail, Gary! Go for the neck, that’s where it’s most sensitive!

[ as they struggle with the cyber-eel, the criminals watch in horror ]

Ace: That’s it! Bite the head, Gary! Bite the head HARD!

[ Ace & Gary freeze ]

Ace: NOW what are you looking at?!

Gang: NOTHING!!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Song Memories

Ed…..Ed Helms
Bill…..Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Scientist…..Paul Brittain

[ open on poker table in the basement, as three buddies hang out together ]

Ed: Oh, it’s so great seeing you guys!

Bill: We’ve talked about this forever.

Andy: Yeah, I’m glad we finally got our schedules together.

[ Jason returns with bottles of beer ]

Jason: Alright, here’s some brews to make up for the money I just won off you suckers.

Bill: I hope it won’t disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes, will it?

Jason: No, no. They won’t mind. Go ahead. Let loose.

[ Bill points the remote at the stereo and pots up Cat Stevens’ “Wild World” ]

Jason: Oh! Great song!

Andy: Classic!

Jason: Classic, yeah!

[ they all sing along with the opening “La la la la la…” line ]

Jason: You know, uh — I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar. Yeah, my grandpa taught me how to play it.

Andy: Oh, yeah?

Jason: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, music was a real bond between us, you know? He bought me my first turntable, and he gave me his ENTIRE record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with him. I miss him.

Bill: He’s always, always, always, always with you, man.

Jason: No, no… [ he lifts a cup ] I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba Juice cup. [ he slams the cup on the table and lets some of the ashes fly ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Andy: [ pointing to the cup ] Why is there a straw in there?

Jason: ‘Cause, uh — so he can breathe.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad.

Jason: Ah!

Bill: Oh, yeah. We’ve always had our ups and downs. He’s certainly no angel, but… he’s my dad, you know?

Ed: Aren’t you guys estranged?

Bill: Yeah. We haven’t seen each other in years. I feel terrible about it. It’s only recently I found out where he was living.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Did you call him?

Bill: I tried, but, by the time I found his number, several Navy seals had killed him and thrown his body in the ocean.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Bill: I did inherit his sweet porn collection, though.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Andy: You know, one of my patients was humming this song the other day.

Ed: Oh, yeah! How is being a doctor?

Andy: Oh! I LOVE it! You know, I feel like I’m really helping people, I give them their yearly check-up. The only thing they don’t like is that prostate exam — you know, when I gotta put my finger up there? [ the buddies chuckle with famliarity ] It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but, you know, you gotta get yuor prostate checked, right?

Jason: Yeah. Prevention is everything.

Andy: Yeah. I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don’t have one! [ he laughs mischieviously ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Jason: Now, you’re a dentist, right?

Andy: That is correct!

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Port-o-Pottys and take pictures, right?

Bill: Yeah.

Andy: Ohhhh, yeah!

Ed: It’s just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called “Port-o-Potty Hotties: A View from Below”.

Jason: Ohhh, nice!

Andy: Hey, was that on Amazon?

Ed: No. No, I never published it. I just made one copy.

Andy: I’d really love to see that.

Ed: Well… I don’t have it any more. I gave it away. The BEST Mother’s Day present I ever gave.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

[ Ed grabs Jason’s Jamba Juice cup and takes a sip, then spits the ashes out of his mouth when he realzies his mistake ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: Man! It is SO great to be here! I really needed this, guys.

[ Scientist comes down the stairs ]

Scientist: Boys? Boys?

All: Uh-oh!

Scientist: Are you ready to make ze human centipede?

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

[ they all assume the position ]

Andy: This is SO dumb!

[ freeze-frame, as Captain & Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” plays ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Ann-Margret Tries To Throw Away A Wad Of Paper Into A Trashcan

Beau…..Ed Helms
Ann-Margret…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior living space, 60’s-era swanky abode ]

Beau: [ holding up crumpled wad of paper ] Throw this away for me, would you, Doll?

[ drum cymbals begin to beat lightly, as Ann-Margret, back to the camera, holds out her hand ]

Announcer: And now… Ann-Margret Tries to THrow Away a Wad of Paper Into a Trashcan.”

[ Ann-Margret grabs the wad of paper and turns to face the camera ]

Ann-Margret: Let’s make this happen!

[ as the drum cymbals, crash she begins to shimmy across the living room ]

Beau: [ smashing his cigarette into the ashtray ] It’s right over there.

[ Ann-Margret swings her arms up and down in rhythm ]

Beau: Yeah, yeah — you’re not very close.

[ Ann-Margret shimmies back and forth across the floor ]

Beau: It’s over here, actually.

[ Ann-Margret shimmies further away from the trashcan ]

Beau: The other way. You know what? [ he crosses the room and grabs the trashcan ] Here we go. I’ll just put it right there for you. There’s no way you can miss it now.

[ he takes his seat on the sofa ]

Beau: Alright, sweetheart. You’re right on top of it. You can just let go any time.

[ Ann-Margret drops back onto the sofa, kicks her legs in the air and shakes her head ]

Beau: [ to himself ] I should have done this. I should have done this myself.

[ Ann-Margret jumps back to her feet and shimmies back across the room ]

Beau: Okay, now you’re straddling it! Now you’re straddling it! How do you not know it’s there?!

[ Ann-Margret prances into the hall ]

Beau: Now where are you going? Okay, running around the hallway. That’s not helping.

[ Ann-Margaret disappears into the hallway, then her hand holding the wad of paper emerges, and soon she bounces out behind it ]

Beau: Oh, there it is. A litle bee-bop-a-doo.

[ Ann-Margret returns to the living room ]

Beau: There, she’s coming back!

[ Ann-Margret begins to spank her hindside as she dances over the trashcan ]

Beau: Spanking it. Right there! It’s right there! You got it! Come here! Look! Eyes on me! Eyes on me! Trashcan! Paper in the trash! THROW IT!!

[ the music crashes to a stop, as Ann-Margret finally drops the wad of paper in the trashcan ]

Beau: Yeah. You did a great job, Ann.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Beau: Well, there’s someone at the door.

[ the music stings, as the camera zooms in on Ann-Margret’s expectant face ]

Ann-Margret: Let’s make this happen!

[ Ann-Margret begins to shimmy backwards toward the door ]

Beau: So… does this mean you’re gonna get the door?

[ Ann-Margret continues to shimmy in place ]

Beau: No? Just more dancing? Alright, you know what? I’ll get it.

[ he tries to slip past Ann-Margret, but she keeps shimmying in his way ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21


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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:











Bit Players:


May 14th, 2011

Ed Helms

Paul Simon

None

Chris Colfer

Lindsey Buckingham

John Hamm

Jimmy Fallon

Steve Carell

Stephen Colbert

None

The Situation RoomSummary: While delivering a speech on immigration, President Barack Obama instead overpats himself on the back for having killed Osama bin Laden.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Ed Helms’ MonologueSummary: Ed Helms relates the tale of how he equated the art of baton-twirling with pursuing a career in show business.

Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup.

Note: Repeat from 10q.

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts musical greats Paul Simon, Chris Colfer, Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) and another Lindsey Buckingham so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Robert Smigel’s “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”, superheroes Ace (Jon Hamm) and Gary (Jimmy Fallon) appear in the flesh after being zapped with a flesh ray by Bighead (Steve Carell), Dr. Brainio (Stephen Colbert), and Half Face (Ed Helms).

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “Rewrite”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) bungles more news stories. Will Smith (Jay Pharaoh) defends his actions of leaving his trailer on a Soho street by reminding people that things are always better in his presence. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are ill-prepared to debut their new vacation-themed album.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Will Smith, Garth, Kat.

Song MemoriesSummary: Group of buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Ed Helms) share stories while listening to Cat Stevens’ “Wild World”.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.

Transcript

One Take TonySummary: Charactor actor Tony Toluca (Andy Samberg) can perform all of his scenes in a single take, as long as the director (Ed Helms) never stops rolling the camera).

Recurring Characters: Louis Armstrong.

Paul Simon performs “So Beautiful Or So What”

Ann-Margret Tries To Throw Away A Wad Of Paper Into A TrashcanSummary: Ann-MArgret (Kristen Wiig) dances all around the house in her pursuit to throw a wad of paper into a trash can for her beau (Ed Helms).

Recurring Characters: Ann-Margret.

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Republican CandidateSummary: A brief message of hope is delivered by a generic Republican candidate (Ed Helms).

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GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) discusses shredding documents and burying them at sea.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a high school following a carbon monoxide scare.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.

Note: This sketch will air on nexr week’s episode hosted by Justin Timberlake.

Buchanan BrothersSummary: Parents (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) prevent their daughter (Vanessa Bayer) from making out during the prom by placing the Buchanan Brothers’ (Ed Helms, Taran Killan) turn-off music in her date’s (Paul Brittain) car.

Transcript

Sea SaltSummary: Chef (Ed Helms) claims he can prevent health problems by cooking only with sea salt.

HandimalsSummary: Hand-painted animals are used for making prank phone calls.

Google InterviewSummary: Google executive (Ed Helms) makes fun of applicant’s (Andy Samberg) during an interview.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Great Women Writers

Written by: John Mulaney, Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer

…..Tina Fey
Announcer…..Bill Hader

[ open on Tina Fey standing at Home Base ]

Tina Fey: Hi, everyone. It’s so great to be back in this studio. You know, “SNL” has always had this reputation for being a bit of a Boy’s Club, but in my experience the show has always welcomed and respected women. In fact, to honor me and my new book, the show has put together a tribute to some of my favorite women writers of all time — the ones who have inspired me to pick up a pen when I was a little girl. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to title card over dramatic score ]

Announcer: And now, in honor of Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live” presents “Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to back-and-white photo of Jane Austen ]

With her six beloved novels, Jane Austen cemented herself as one of the greatest female writers of all time. She was witty, intelligent, and a true original. But did you know that she was also unattractive? [ zoom in on her bug-eyed face ] It’s true. That’s why she wrote books — not a lot of modeling contracts coming her way. Not a lot of dates, either. I’ll tell you two things keeping dudes away from her: pride… and prejudice. Oh, yeah — two more things: her face and body. Go to hell, Jane Austen!

[ dissolve to title card ]

This has been “Great Women Writers”. Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Okay, very funny, guys. But in ALL seriousness, I just want to say to all the young women watching that it doesn’t matterwhat you look like! What matters is that you work hard and believe in yourself!

[ dramatic score pots up ]

Announcer: And now…

Tina Fey: Wait, no! Stop it!

Announcer: Tina Fey presents…

Tina Fey: No! I do not present this!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “More Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Virginia Wolff ]

Few in literature have achieved the legacy of Virginia Wolff. [ groaning ] Oh, man… more like Virginia WOOF! She was born in London in 1882, and died not a moment too soon! Books she wrote? “A Room of One’s Own”. [ he chuckles ] Don’t worry, Virginia — you’ll get your own room. I’ll take the one down the hall with a lock on it! Hey, you know who’s afraid of Virgina Wolff? Any homeboy with a pair of eyeballs! Okay, show a bunch of pictures — I’ll just riff.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Eudora Welty ]

Eudora Welty. That lady don’t write — she WRONG!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Betty Friedan ]

Betty Friedan? F me!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Agatha Christie ]

And, whoa! Who do we have here? Mystery writer Agatha Christie. Yikes! I’ll tell you whodunit: NOBODY! If somebody did do it, it was the butler in the bedroom with a brown paper bag! [ he laughs ] Oh, whoops! My piss jar’s almost full.

[ dissolve back to to title card ]

Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Thanks. It’s good to be home… you bunch of dicks.

[ she storms off stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

An SNL Digital Short

…..Michael Bolton
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jorma Taccone
…..Akiva Schaffer

(Jorma, Andy, and Akiva are in their music studio listening to music)

Intercom: Guys, Michael Bolton is here.

Andy Samberg: Oh, great. Send him in.

(Michael Bolton opens the door and comes in.)

Michael Bolton: Hey guys.

Andy, Jorma, and Akiva: Hey. Thanks for coming.

Michael Bolton: I’m really sorry that I’m late. I just got caught up watching the Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Have you seen those things?

Andy, Jorma, and Akiva: Yeah.

Andy Samberg: Oh, yeah. Those are great.

Michael Bolton: So, I listened to your track and I loved it, and I wrote you this big sexy hook. I think you’re gonna really dig it.

Andy Samberg: Wow, that’s great. Do you wanna just lay it down?

Michael Bolton: Boys, let’s get to it.

(They go to a club in a sports car and cut the line to get inside)

Andy Samberg: “Here we go. Lonely Island. Michael Bolton.”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah, yeah.”

Andy Samberg:
“The night starts now.
Together on the track, the boys are back.
The night starts now
Night starts now, baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rolling up.”

Michael Bolton: “Rolling up!”

Andy Samberg: “Blow through the doors ain’t no holdin’ up .”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah!”

Andy Samberg: “Black card at the bar like I gives a fuck.”

Michael Bolton: “Come on!”

Jorma Taccone: “Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, fuck the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet.”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah, yeah!”

Jorma Taccone: “Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot.”

(Michael Bolton is on a beach)

Michael Bolton: “This is the tale of Captain Jack Sparrow, pirate so brave on the seven seas.”

Andy Samberg: What?

Michael Bolton: “A mystical quest to the Isle of Tortuga, Raven locks sway on the ocean’s breeze.”

(return to the club scene)

Akiva Schaffer:
Yeah that was kinda weird, but we’re back in the clubBuying up the bar so the groupies show us love

Michael Bolton: “Kiera Knightly.”

Akiva Schaffer:Motherfucking ice-man, I’m the top gunnerHeater on blast, I’m the number one stunner

Michael Bolton: “Jack Sparrow.”

Andy Samberg:
“Watch it girl ’cause I ain’t your ‘Mr. Nice Guy’,
More like the ‘meet ya take you home and fuck you twice guy'”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah yeah!”

Andy Samberg:
“All dressed up with nowhere to run,
And now I make you feel crazy, so let’s have fun.”(Michael Bolton jumps up wearing a pirate hat)

Michael Bolton: “Now, back to the good part! (Dressed up as Jack Sparrow on a pirate ship) From the day he was born, he yearned for adventure. Old Captain Jack giving them what for. He’s the pauper of the surf, and the jester of Tortuga. But is Davy Jones’ Locker what lies in store?”

Akiva Schaffer: Yeah, we’ve seen the movie.

Andy Samberg: “Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on!”

Michael Bolton: “Captain Jack!”

Andy Samberg: What?

Michael Bolton: “Johnny Depp!”

Andy Samberg: No!

Jorma Taccone: “From the front to the back say we count stacks come on.”

Michael Bolton: “Davy Jones!”

Jorma Taccone: Nope.

Michael Bolton: “Giant squid!”

Jorma Taccone: Wrong.

Akiva Schaffer: Michael Bolton, we’re really gonna need you to focus up.

Michael Bolton: “Roger that! Let me try it with another film.”

Andy Samberg: Wait!

Michael Bolton: (as Forrest Gump) “Life is a box of chocolates and my name is Forrest Gump.”

Andy Samberg: Not better.

Michael Bolton: “Though I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, I give Jenny all my love.”

Akiva Schaffer: Come on!

Michael Bolton: (as Erin Brockovich) “Okay, then. I’m a legal aide, and Erin Brockovich is my name.”

Jorma Taccone: Noooo, God!

Michael Bolton: (as Scarface) “Then you can call me Scarface, snortin’ mountains of cocaine.”

Andy Samberg: Close enough!

Michael Bolton: “You cockroaches wanna play rough? Okay, I’m reloaded.”

“This is the tale of Tony Montana
Cubano flame, with the Miami nuts
Got a basehead wife, but her womb is polluted
This whole town’s a pussy; just waiting to get fucked.”

Andy Samberg: Okay, it turns out Michael Bolton is a major cinephile.

Michael Bolton: (as Captain Jack) “You complete me.”

Andy Samberg: Yeah, okay.

(Applause)

Submitted by Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Osama bin Laden Video Will

Osama bin Laden…..Fred Armisen

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: Earlier today, the Pentagon released a taped seized in Sunday’s raid on Pakistan. According to video, Osama bin Laden’s last will and testament. The tape runs about three minutes.

[ dissolve to Osama bin Laden seated in chair while holding papers in his hands ]

Osama bin Laden rambles in his native language, as his will is translated with subtitles ]

Translator V/O: Allah be praised. I, Osama bin Laden, being at present in good health, and of sound mind and memory, thanks be to Allah, hereby declare the following to be my last will and testament.

First, as to my funeral arrangements, it is my wish that they be conducted in strict accordance with Islamic law.

As pallbearers, I designate my five oldest sons, and Dakota Fanning. If Dakota Fanning is positively unavailable, my executors may replace her with a Dakota Fanning lookalike, although I do ask that they try to get the real Dakota Fanning, if that is at all possible. If, by the time of my death, Dakota Fanning is over 12 years of age, or is no longer a virgin, my executors are to replace her with her younger sister, if she has one. Although again, a 12-year-old, virgin Dakota Fanning is my absolute first choice.

Second, as to my place of burial, I leave the decision to my executors, provided that, wherever it is, they do not bury me at sea. As my family well knows, I have a deathly fear of being eaten by fish, so I am very serious about this. Do not bury me at sea.

Third, as executors to this my last will and testament, I name my dear friends at the Pakistani Intelligence Services. They are solid, reliable people, and, may I add, among the few individuals a person can still trust in this corrupt, cynical world we live in.

Fourth, as a special bequest to my devoted human shield, Fatima, I leave an autographed picture, along with the bulletproof vest she always asks about.

Finally, before I discuss the disposition of my worldly estate, consisting of cash, stocks, bonds, annuities, and certificates of deposit, my heirs need to understand the following points:

First, the size of my personal fortune has always been greatly exaggerated by the media. Frankly, I have no idea where they get some of their numbers.

Second, bear in mind that my investment portfolio was badly hurt by the market downturn in 2008, plus the subsequent Flash Crash, and has not fully recovered. In addition, I have incurred a number of major expenses in the last few years: building my compound, paying bodyguards and couriers, training and equipping Jihadists, medical expenses, laundry, office supplies, sandals, and so on. So that should be factored in as well.

Also, with 115 children, 750 grandchildren, and 11,000 nieces and nephews, each individual’s share may not be as large as he or she may have anticipated. So, all that having been said, I hereby leave to my heirs, to be divided among them equally, my entire personal estate, currently valued at 3,600,000 Pakistani rupees, or 708 dollars 61 cents U.S.

Obviously, this is not as much as you or I would have hoped for, but there you have it. It is what it is.

Also, some of this, I imagine, will go to probate fees.

Now, I know that many of you must be disappointed at the size of the estate, and I suppose that now I’m suddenly some kind of bad person. Do I wish the estate were larger? Of course. I wish a LOT of things. I wish we had outdoor air-conditioning. I wish Mecca had better restaurants. I wish camel poop tasted like spicy hummus. But guess what? It doesn’t.

So I leave you with this:

Instead of complaining about what we don’t have, let’s just be thankful for what we do: Our health, each other, and best of all, the knowledge that, try as they might, the Americans will never catch me. Isn’t that the most important thing?

I hereby declare the above to be my last will and testament.

And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts