Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Secret Word

Lyle Round…..Bill Hader
Mindy Grayson…..Kristen Wiig
Vladmir Kuchev…..Jude Law
Lenny Doyle…..Kenan Thompson
Dan Durnst…..Fred Armisen

Announcer 1: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Coming up next, Secret Word!

Announcer 2: It’s time to play the game the stars play, Secret Word! With your host, Lyle Round!

[Lyle Round enters from backstage; the audience applauses]

Lyle Round: Hello! Hello everyone! I’m Lyle Round, and we got a great show for you, and it looks like our contestants are ready, so why don’t we bring out the stars! Our first guess is someone you may not recognize as a celebrity, because she is better known for her work on the Broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Gracin!

[Mindy comes out to applause; she stands, smiling in somewhat of a haze]

Mindy Grayson: Look at me!

Lyle Round: Good to have you back. Next we have Russian ballet star, Vladimir Kuchev! [Vladimir enters by doing demi-pointe work on and off the stage] Vladimir, Vladimir, Vladimir! [Vladimir comes back by semi-leaping to the other side, then stretching his leg on the table] Alright!

Vladmir Kuchev: They’ve not yet worn though!

Lyle Round: Okay, why don’t you have a seat? Have a seat, have a seat! Alright, so what’s new with you, Vladimir?

Vladmir Kuchev: I’ve recently defected from my country so I can be ballet dancer in America! [Vladimir stands up, his very large bulge is visible and he stretches his leg on the table again] You see?

Lyle Round: Oh, VERY nice! Very nice. Well a coin was tossed backstage and Mindy’s team won the toss, are you ready?

Mindy Grayson: Lyle, I, am, prepared, to play, SECRET WORD! [Mindy stretches her arms up, one hand going over her teammate’s face]

Lyle Round: Quiet from the audience and ten seconds from the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “gown.”

Mindy Grayson: [Clock starts ticking] Alright. I know about these… how am I going to do this? Alright… [inhales deeply, then exhales] Oh, I know. Goooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn! [Buzzer rings; Mindy shakes her head]

Lyle Round: You just said the secret word, Mindy. The secret word was “gown.”

Mindy Grayson: Yes, I said it. I said the secret word, gown. I’m an actress, that’s my craft, it’s what I do, I read the page! Just like I did when I starred in the hit show [Stands up] Sassy Slacks of 1963!

Lyle Round: Okay, okay. Calm down, calm down. Before we go on, why don’t we meet your partner? His name is Lenny Doyle, and I hear you have a very funny story for us.

Lenny Doyle: Well, I don’t know how funny it is. I was arrested for walking around a neighborhood that families live in. [Mindy and Lyle laugh]

Lyle Round: That’s great. Now we’re glad you’re here; let’s move over to Vladimir’s team. Let’s meet his partner!

Dan Durnst: Uh, hi, I’m Dan Durnst, I’m a file clerk and I enjoy playing the handbells!

Mindy Grayson: I played a Southern belle in the Broadway show [Stands up] I Do Declare My Name is Dee Claire!

Lyle Round: I saw that, and it was awful. Let’s move on, Vladimir, move on, you’re up. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “vodka.”

Vladmir Kuchev: This is too easy. You have this in the morning with beets.

Dan Durnst: Um, uh… Cheerios. I don’t know.

Vladmir Kuchev: Nyet, nyet. If your baby is thirsty, it drinks this.

Dan Durnst: Uh… milk.

Vladmir Kuchev: NO! Concentrate! What is wrong with you? You’re embarrassing me!

Dan Durnst: Cheerios?

Mindy Grayson: It’s vodka! I can see it right here on my screen, the secret word is Vodka. I can see it right here. [Buzzer goes off]

Lenny Doyle: Why are you helping them?

Lyle Round: We don’t want any trouble, Lenny! I WILL call the police!

Lenny Doyle: Oh…

Vladmir Kuchev: She’s right! It’s WODKA! I’m sorry I yelled at you. [Puts his hand down Dan’s face] See, I have tender side.

Lyle Round: [Laughs] Yeah. Let’s go back over to Mindy’s team. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “theater.”

Mindy Grayson: Alright, listen very closely. I’m not going to say theater. [Buzzer goes off] Theeeaaaaaaaaaaater! [Buzzer goes off four times] I said the secret word again. But this time I cannot be blamed, theater’s in my bones! It has been since the stage debut [Stands up] And Sarah Made a Sound, the story of a mute girl who desperately wanted to say the word jazz!

Lyle Round: Take it easy. Take it easy. Thank you. Dan, it’s your turn to give to Vladimir.

Dan Durnst: Okay!

Announcer 2: The secret word is “cake.”

Dan Durnst: Okay, this is something you eat on your birthday.

Vladmir Kuchev: Sour cream and fish.

Dan Durnst: No.

Vladmir Kuchev: What do you mean, no?!

Dan Durnst: It’s a dessert.

Vladmir Kuchev: Oh, of course. Steamed eggs in pickled water!

Lyle Round: Time’s almost up, Vladimir.

Mindy Grayson: [Walks over to Dan’s side] It’s cake. It’s right there on the screen. [Buzzer goes off]

Lyle Round: You know what? Before I kill someone, I think we know a break. We’ll be right back after a word from Career Girl Cigarettes!

Mindy Grayson: [Stands in front of panel] Thank you for watching! [Lyle tries to get her to sit down; title screen comes up]

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Talk Show with Ravish

Ravish…..Nasim Pedrad
Ravish’s dad….Fred Armisen
Sabina…..Jenny Slate
Uncle…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Jude Law

[Opens with a misty landscape. Channel 10, Edison, NJ]

[cuts to a living room turned TV studio in a Hindu family]

[Logo Talk Show with Ravish. Photo of emotionless Ravish]

Ravish’s Dad: Live from Vanacheck, New Jersey. It’s “Talk Show with Ravish”. And now here’s your host, my son, child prodigy. He’s a very good boy, well behaved and will be a jolly good talk show host, Ravish Vandrashekeran.

[nerdy Ravish appears, big glasses]

Ravish: Hello. Welcome to our home. I am Ravish. My father always wanted for me to work hard and become doctor. Then he read that Mister David Letterman makes over 31 and half million dollars per year. Now he wants me to be talk show host. So I try.

Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, heh. That was a very good monologue. Good one. Ok Sabina. Play him over.

[nerdy Sabina with big glasses plays the violin, Ravish sits down]

Ravish: My sister Sabina on violin everyone. [applause] How was your schooling today, Sabina?

Sabina: I work very hard. And I get high marks.

Ravish: I also received high marks.

Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, this is very good banter.

Ravish: Now we are going to do a new segment where we ask questions in the street.

Ravish’s Dad: That’s right. It’s Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.

[cut to Ravish and his dad on the street]

Ravish’s Dad: What is the capital of Finland?

Ravish: Helsinki.

Ravish’s Dad: Yes. What is the surface area of the planet Jupiter?

Ravish: 62. 2 billion kilometers squared.

Ravish’s Dad: In miles?

Ravish: 24.1 billion miles.

Ravish’s Dad: Correct. It’s been Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.

[back to the show]

Ravish: My first guest came into father’s store today and agreed to be here for discount on rug. Please welcome, from movies, Mr. Jude Law.

[actor Jude Law appears and sits next to Ravish]

Jude Law: Hello there Ravish. It’s a pleasure to be here–

Ravish’s Dad: Take off your shoes!

Jude Law: Sorry, sorry. [takes off shoes]

Ravish: Thank you for being here. Most nights my guest is my uncle. [uncle wearing a turban drinks from bottle] Mr. Law, I know that you grew up in the London borough of Lewisham.

Jude Law: Yes, I did. Yes.

Ravish: Population 261,600 persons according to the 2008 census.

Jude Law: Hey, you know your stuff. That’s very good.

Ravish: I also know that you were educated at the National Youth Music Theater.

Jude Law: Yep, that’s right. I’m very impressed, Ravish.

Ravish: [nerdy pride] Aaahh, yeah. In 2004, you made the movie “Alfie” which cost 60 million dollars American but only grossed 13.4 million.

Jude Law: [embarrassed] Oh, yeah, you know, Ravish what really matters is—

Ravish: Therefore the total loss of the film was—

Jude Law: [desperate, interrupts] Right, we don’t have to go through all that now—

Ravish’s Dad: No, no.no. Let him study mathematics. He must study this to be bloody good talk show host.

Ravish: 46 million lost. Lost.

Jude Law: Thanks. Thanks Ravish, for that very accurate reminder.

Ravish: You’re very welcome.

Ravish’s Dad: My Ravish work very, very hard. Takes every night to be talk show host. Not like lazy-bones Craig Ferguson.

Jude Law: Well, you’re very good at it. Why don’t we change the subject?

Ravish: Ok. According to the “National Enquirer” in December 2008 you impregnated a woman—

Jude Law: [panicked] Oh, ok, that’s enough, Ravish.

Ravish: But I read, I study…

Jude Law: Yes, but Ravish, that tabloid stuff isn’t really necessarily nice to talk about in an interview. Maybe I should just go.

Ravish’s Dad: Do you mean that my Ravish is not a good talk show host? That he failed?

[panicky faces on Ravish and Sabina, uncle sleeps drunk]

Jude Law: No. No, no, no. Ravish, I’m sorry. You’re a bloody good talk show host. I give you an A plus. And I’m gonna tell all my actor friends to appear on your show.

Ravish: [ecstatic] Oh, yeah! Do it.

Ravish’s Dad: I’m very proud of you my son. [hugs him]

Ravish: Thank you, father. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jude Law. [applause]

[Jude puts on his shoes]

Ravish’s Dad: Now we take family picture. Come on.

Ravish: You too Mr. Law. Come in.

[The whole family poses with Jude for a photo. Uncle drunken dancing]

[photo of rug store]

Announcer: Clothes provided by “Vandrashekeran July Fourth Rugs” in Edison NJ. Guests on “Talk Show with Ravish” must take off their shoes!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Jude Law’s Monologue

…..Jude Law

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, Jude Law!

[audience cheers]

Jude Law: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here! Thank you. It’s great to be back on the stage! You know, last summer I was here, my musical guest was Ashlee Simpson. Hey, and do you know what? I think [sarcastically] she was great.

I’ve actually spent a lot of time in New York lately because I was playing Hamlet on Broadway. [audience cheers] Thank you. I spent the last year of my life performing the role. You know, every actor does Hamlet differently and, uh, since I’m back on stage, I figured I’d share my impression of what it was like for me to play. So, uh, it can be four and half hours long, so I”m going to try to be quick.

Um… we begin in Elsinor Castle. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Hamlet, a troubled yet extremely handsome prince, is coping with his father’s death. Suddenly, his father’s ghost appears and tells him to avenge his murder. So, Hamlet rages against his mother for marrying his uncle, the killer. “Frailty, thy name is woman,” he says, plus many other lines that are less famous and harder to memorize. Then, there’s a long part where one guy in a hat shouts at another guy in a hat, and he’s also…uh, it’s a little bit boring. Anyway, then, everyone in the audience is like “Okay, here it comes. Hamlet’s going to do the famous ‘to be or not to be’ speech.” And I’m nervous, you know, but then I think, well, they paid all this money and they dressed up nice, and I don’t want to get into trouble like Piven. [audience laughs] So, I say “to be or not to be: that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. Someone’s phone goes off. [there’s a sound of a phone ringing] [in his American accent] Hello? Yeah, I’m in the theater. Eh, he’s okay. [switches back to English accent] To die, to sleep, then more blah blah blah blah. Then, Hamlet kills one of the guys in the hat, and by mistake, he’s sent to England. Now, this is my favorite part of the play because I get to leave the stage and go to my dressing room. Check my e-mail, maybe play on Twitter, read the New York Post. Oh, I’m in it. Then, the stage manager knocks on the door. Three minutes, two. I ask for a biscuit, he brings me a biscuit, I eat the biscuit. And then, I come back out on stage and Ophelia’s dead. I don’t know what happened there; I’ve never watched act four. Then what? Uh….there’s a skull. Alas, poor Yorick. Gertrude dies, uh, Laertes stabs me, I stab him, I stab Claudius, they die, I die, the rest is silence. Then, applause! I bow, there’s more applause! I take another bow, more applause! I put up my arms pretending like, you know, I’m sick of bowing, but that, of course, leads to more applause! So, I give my biggest bow of all and I get into a cab and I go back to my apartment, drink a bottle of wine, turn on the TV, watch MTV Teen Cribs, which is pretty fun actually. It’s like regular Cribs, but with teens…so anyway, that’s my Hamlet!

[audience cheers]

We have a great show, Pearl Jam is here! So stick around, we’ll be back! [audience cheers]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Goodnights

…..Jude Law

Jude Law: Hey! Thanks to Pearl Jam! Jerry Seinfeld! Julian Casablancas! And thanks to all of you! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Ford

Girl…..Abby Elliott
Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer…..Bill Hader

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST – DAY

[ The camera’s angle’s from a tree top POV. A GUY and GIRL are strolling together, hand in hand. ]

Announcer (V/O): It’s time to get out. See the world from a tree’s point of view. Time to find Mother Nature and shake her hand, and when you travel, you always make sure it’s in harmony with the environment.

[ The couple’s stroll ends at their parked car. Both enter the vehicle. The camera pans down to focus on the car’s model name – PRIUS. ]

INT. TOYOTA PRIUS

[ Both are screaming as the Prius accelerates out of control. The guy applies pressure to the Prius’ brake. No such luck. ]

Guy: I can’t slow down!

Girl: Step on the brakes!!

Guy: The brakes!?!? YOU DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED THAT!?!?!? Get the police on the phone.

Girl: Fuck! Oh my God!

[ The girl dials her cell frantically. ]

Guy: What the fuck!?

[ She turns to him. ]

Girl: It’s 911. Did you step on the brakes!?

Guy: Shut up, bitch! Gotta slow this motherfucker down!!

[ The girl cries hard. ]

Girl: We’re gonna die!

[ Both scream loud. ]

[ FORD logo against a white background. ]

[ SUPER: WE MAKE HYBRIDS TOO. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ford… we make hybrids too.

EXT. HIGHWAY – NEAR FOREST – DAY

[ The Prius’ high speed goes into slow motion for a moment to show the girl pressed up against the door’s frame, screaming out the window. The Prius resumes its dangerous speed and rockets off into the unknown. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Broadview Security

Single Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
A.J…..Andy Samberg
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Operator…..Will Forte
Rabbi…..Fred Armsien
k.d. Lang…..Abby Elliott

[ open on a group of people leaving a single woman’s house party ]

Voice: See ya’!

Single Woman: Hey! Thanks again for dropping by my party, A.J.

A.J.: [ awkwardly ] Well… you have my e-mail — uh, if you want to send me that lemon bar recipe.

Single Woman: Cool. See ya’, A.J.

A.J.: Alright, bye.

Single Woman: Bye!

[ she closes her front door, turns on the alarm, and begins to pick up after the party ]

[ suddenly, the door handle jiggles and A.J. comes bursting through the door ]

[ the alarm goes off, as the woman screams ]

[ A.J. flees the scene, as the phone rings ]

Single Woman: Hello?!

Operator: This is Broadview Security. Is everything okay?

Single Woman: A nice guy who was at my party left, and then he broke in, like, twenty seconds later.

Operator: We’re on our way.

[ Spokesman steps in front of the camera ]

Spokesman: Are you a single woman who lives alone in a large, five-person house? Then you need Broadview Security.

[ show chart ]

Spokesman V/O: Studies show that if you’re a lady, most men want to kill you.

[ show computerized demonstration ]

Spokesman V/O: And with Broadview Security, you can have an alarm that makes loud noises, which will make those men run away through the bushes. At the same time, one of our male security professionals in a button-down shirt will be alerted immediately.

Operator: Don’t worry, Ma’am — help is on the way.

Spokesman: And she’ll need it. Because, like most women, she’s under the threat of constant home invasion, from EVERYONE she meets.

[ cut to single woman kissing her grandfather good night ]

Single Woman: Thanks again, Grandpa! I love these Sundays together.

[ cut to Grandpa bursting through the door, as the woman screams ]

Spokesman: It could happen. And so could any of these terrifying scenarios where men kick down your door. Men like:

Your rabbi!

[ the rabbi bursts through the door ]

k.d. Lang!

[ k.d. Lang bursts through the door ]

Or two boys dressed as a man!

[ two boys dressed like a man burst through the door ]

Spokesman: Luckily, none of these things will ever happen — if you get Broadview Security.

[ the spokesman bursts through the door ]

Spokesman: Get it, or get murdered!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

March 13th, 2010

Jude Law

Pearl Jam

None

None

None


Massa Exit InterviewSummary: Congressman Eric Massa (Bobby Moynihan) recalls gay “snorkeling” adventures while conducting his exit interview from Congress.

Montage

Jude Law’s MonologueSummary: Jude Law outlines the excitement of portraying Hamlet on Broadway.

Transcript

FordSummary: Ford Hybrid’s brakes are as good as other defective brands.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and Vladmir Kuchev (Jude Law) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Transcript

Broadview SecuritySummary: Homeowner (Nasim Pedrad) is protected no matter what variety of male predator tries to break through her door.

Transcript

SpainSummary: Lusty Spaniard (Jude Law) wants to wine, dine, and kill two attractive Americans (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad), and, best of all, it’s part of the travel experience!

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Julian Casablancas sing about holding up their “Boombox”.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Just Breathe”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whoopi Goldberg (Kenan Thompson) comments on her endorsement of Poise pads. Seth Meyers and Jerry Seinfeld ask “Really!?!” in response to Congressman Eric Massa’s excuses for having gay sex with his staffers.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg.

The Twilight ZoneSummary: Airplane passenger (Jude Law) when he sees a Thing (Bobby Moynihan) performing wacky tasks on the wing.

Recurring Characters: Rod Serling.

Transcript

Hamlet AuditionsSummary: Jude Law recalls competing for the lead role in Hamlet against Al Pacino (Bill Hader), Nathan Lane (Bobby Moynihan), Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) and Sam Elliott (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Nathan Lane, Al Pacino, Nicolas Cage, Sam Elliott.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground rock festival that features viruses, pitchforks and the late Ass Dan.

Note: Repeat from 09h.

Pearl Jam performs “Unthought Known”

Court StenographerSummary: Court stenographer ELinda Nade (Fred Armisen) insists on being disruptive and looking for her chapstick in the middle of an important trial.

Recurring Characters: Elinda Nade.

Talk Show with RavishSummary: Child prodigy Ravish (Nasim Pedrad) is forced by his dad (Fred Armisen) to host a talk show in their living room.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mondo ButtsSummary: Two guys (Andy Samberg, Jude Law) hosting a show about big butts are attacked by a gorilla that escapes from the zoo.

Naomi CampbellSummary: Naomi Campbell (Kenan Thompson) throws a fit when her limo driver (Bobby Moynihan) arrives late to pick up her and Michael Caine (Jude Law).

Recurring Characters: Michael Caine.

HairheadsSummary: A shopkeeper’s (Jude Law) glass store is destroyed by hairhead creatures.

Hairheads IISummary: A shopkeeper’s (Jude Law) glass store is destroyed anew by baby hairhead creatures.

Hairheads IIISummary: Years later, a shopkeeper’s (Jude Law) glass store is destroyed again by hairhead creatures and their dog.

GraveyardSummary: Spokesman (Bobby Moynihan) advertises headstones for people with severe health problems.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

What up with That

Diondre Cole…..Kenan Thompson
…..Paul Rudd
…..Frank Rich
Lindsey Buckingham…..Bill Hader
80’s break dancer…..Jason Sudeikis
R.J. Sizzle…..Zach Galifianakis
Saxophone player…..Fred Armisen
Baby Jessica…..Abby Elliott
Announcer/Robot dance…..Will Forte

[Opens with the BET channel Logo with a funky background music.]

[Cuts to a set with 2 backup singers and Paul Rudd, Frank Ritch and Lindsey Buckingham sitting in chairs.]

[Logo of the show appears reading “What up with that?”]

Backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee!

Announcer: It’s “What up with that?”, taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight, actor Paul Rudd. New York Times columnist Frank Ritch and from Fleetwood Mac Lindsey Buckingham. And now here is your host Diondre Coles.

[Diondre Coles runs on stage and starts to dance and sing]

Diondre Cole: I woke up this morning and i got out of bed. Had a big ol cup of coffee to clear my head. Telephone rang and you wanna chat.. well sit on down and tell me what up with that.

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Diondre Cole: He said, she said, we said, me said. What up with that?

[Breaks into a funky dance move]

Diondre Cole: Who knew, you knew, say what, voodoo. What up with that? What uuuuup with thaaaaaat? Yeeeesssaaah!

[Music stops, backup singers walk off stage and Diondre Coles sits down and puts his mic beside him.]

Diondre Cole: Wellll! Welll! Thank you all for joining us on What up with that. Well tonight… we are going to go deep into some issues. We are going to have a conversation.

[Drum beats starts. Diondre Coles feels a song coming on]

Diondre Cole: We gonna get some information.

[Piano joins the beat and Diondre Coles starts to sing]

Diondre Cole: It’s gonna be a sensation. We gonna fell an alation.

[Diondre Coles stands up and grabs his mic and start to move towards the camera.]

Diondre Cole: It’s a celebration. It’s gonna get Funky, Cronky,

[Diondre Coles is a few inches from the camera.]

Diondre Cole: Donkey, Sponkey, Chonkey, Junky, Skonkey ,slap a monkey, HELP a monkey, Kiss It.

[Music starts]

[Diondre Coles starts to walk back to the center stage. 3 male dancers join Diondre Coles dancing back towards the center stage]

[Backup singers come back to the stage]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts back to the main stage where a Saxophone player and an 80’s break dancer have appeared]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with this.. and what’s up with that?

[Diondre walk to high five the 80’s break dancer, the Saxophone player, Paul Rudd and Frank Rich. Lindsey Buckingham extends his hand for a high five but Diondre Coles walks right by and not giving him a high five.]

Diondre Cole: What’s uuuuuuuuuup. I said What’s uuuuuuuuupppp What is up with that. You know i saw Avatar last week but that blue lady she needs to put on a braaaaa. Yeeeeeess!

[Music stops. Saxophone player, 80’s break dancer and backup singers walk off stage. Diondre Coles walks back to his seat and puts the mic beside him]

Diondre Cole: Oh welllll. That was very nice. Now let’s get down to business. It is wonderful to have actor Paul Rudd here.

Paul Rudd: Thank you. Thank you for having me Diondre.

Diondre Cole: No no no no! Thank You Paul! Now the Oscars are on tomorrow.

Paul Rudd: Yeah Yeah!

Diondre Cole: Now often we will see the Oscar winners use their thank you speech to make some kind of political statement. Now as a performer. Yourself. Do you think that’s appropriate?

Paul Rudd: Ah that’s a great question.Ummm… I think it’s up to the individual

[Drum beat comes back. Paul Rudd looks confused to why the beat is playing]

Paul Rudd: Ummm… I mean you know giving an Oscar speech is a pretty big platform

Diondre Cole (singing): Humongous platform.

[Piano enters to keep the beat with the drum]

Paul Rudd: Ya! Ya! And you know alot of actors have a genuine passion for certain causes.

Diondre Cole (singing): Passionate Action.

Paul Rudd: Ya that’s right they got a… got a passionate action and I think it’s cool that they are talking about things that are important.

Diondre Cole (singing): Talking Important Yeah!

Paul Rudd: (with an annoying tone) Ya ya you got it.

[Diondre Coles grabs the mic and breaks out in song]

Diondre Cole: Yeah I got it baby. Cause i got’s to say….

[Music starts back up. Backup signings, Saxophone player and 80’s break dancer comes back on stage]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts to Paul Rudd with a confused look on his face trying to figure out what’s going on.]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Tempo slows down]

Diondre Cole: Ladies and Gentlemen…. Get ready… Cause you are about to experience the world’s greatest… Ambidextrious… Disco Flute playa. Here he is R. J. Sizzle

[Diondre Coles waves over R. J. Sizzle to come on stage]

[R. J. Sizzle dances to the center stage playing 2 flutes at the same time]

[R.J. Sizzle breaks out in a flute solo while switching his hands from one flute to another.]

Diondre Cole: Oh Yeah!. Oh Yeah! That’s it. Woooo! Yeah! Oh Oh. Woohooo.

[R. J. Sizzle moves to the back of the stage beside Paul Rudd.]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts to Paul Rudd with a look of discuss on his face while R. J. sizzle dances and plays the flute only a few inches away.]

Diondre Cole: Ladies and Gentlemen. She was once stuck in a well.

[A man runs on stage dressed in an 80’s style business suite wearing red futuristic sunglasses and doing the Robot dance. He then runs off the stage]

Diondre Cole: But now… She is all grown up… and she ain’t stuck no more. Please welcome. Baby Jessica.

[A stage prop of a well come rolling to center stage and Jessica pops up from inside the well and starts to dance]

Diondre Cole: Go Jessica! Go Jessica! Go Jessica! All Grown up. All Grown Up. You safe. Not Stuck. Outside.. The well. Dance it out. Go Jessica! Fells good. Don’t it girl. Hey Yeah.Here we go.

[Stage props starts to move off camera with Jessica still in the well.]

Diondre Cole: Bye Jessica. Have Fun.

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Camera cuts to R. J. Sizzle who has his crotch close to Paul Rudd’s face. Paul Rudd is disgusted by the sight.]

Diondre Cole: What’s uuuuuuup. I say what’s uuuuuup. What is up with thaaaaat? What is up with that? What is up with that? What is up that? What is up with that? You know I went to Ikea… but I couldn’t speak none of the language. Yeees!

[Music stops. Backup singers, 80’s break dancer, the Saxophone player and R. J. Sizzle leave the stage. Diondre Coles sits back down in his chair and puts the mic beside him.]

Diondre Cole: Well. Looks like we out of time! Uh… I want to thank my guest the charming Paul Rudd. The sexy and the sinister Frank Ritch and Oh No not again. Oh No Lindsey Buckingham. Man you have been here like 20 times.

[Camera cuts to Lindsey Buckingham very angry]

Diondre Cole: I feel terrible. Lindsey man I made you a promise and I broke it AGAIN! You got to forgive me.

[Lindsey Buckingham nods in disagreement. He starts to stand up and is about to leave]

Diondre Cole: Don’t no don’t go Lindsey. Don’t go now that’s the last time. This will never happen again. Come on man. Eh! let me know we cool Lindsey. Come on now let me know we cool.

[Camera cuts back to Lindsey who nods happily and agrees with Diondre Coles. Lindsey sits back down in his chair.]

Diondre Cole: Ah there we go Lindsey Buckingham. Man you my best friend. Until next time. This is Diondre Coless saying….

[Music starts back up again. Diondre Colss grabs the mic and heads towards center stage.]

[Backup singers, 80’s break dancer, the Saxophone player, R. J. Sizzle all come back on stage.]

Diondre Cole: Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Yeah!

[Jessica, the 3 backup dancers come back on stage. Confetti starts to rain down.]

Diondre Coles and backup singers: Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with thit? Ooooooooooo weeeee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Man doing the Robot dance comes back on stage. Two men on stilts come dancing in front of the stage.]

[Logo of the show appears reading “What up with that?”]

[Fade]e

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Mo’Nique…..Kenan Thompson
…..Will Forte

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

During his weekly internet address this morning, President Obama said of health care reform, “I know it’s been a hard and long road to this point, and we are not finished with our journey just yet, but we are close, we are very close.” But, then, in an ominous sign the address ended with this: [ the words “HEALTH CARE” swoop down like the “LOST” titles ] So that can’t be good.

Republicans, this week, accused President Obama of trying to jam health care reform down the throats of the American people. Maybe, maybe not. But at least if it passes, you can get your throat looked at.

Democratic congressman Charles Rangel, this week, stepped down as the head of the House Ways and Means Committee amid a probe of his ethics violation. I have to hand it to Rangel: it’s not often you find somebody in Washington willing to pose for their own political cartoon.

A new report suggests that people may be suffering from hay fever for longer because climate change could be extending pollen season. “Oh, that’s a freaking shame,” said a polar bear standing on an ice cube.

Seth Meyers: The Oscars are tomorrow night, and many experts are predicting a lack of surprises in the acting categories, with the favorites expected to sweep. Here, now, one of those favorites: Mo’Nique.

Mo’Nique: Hello there, Seth! Thank you for having me here with you tonight. I am truly blessed.

Seth Meyers: Oh, well, we’re happy to have you. So, Mo’Nique, you were amazing in “Precious.” And this is very exciting. You won the Golden Globe, the BAFTA, and the SAG Award. Um, are you nervous about tomorrow?

Mo’Nique: Oh, hell, yes, I am, Seth! I am nervous, and if I win, I will not be able to fit my speech into the allotted 45 seconds. That’s like trying to squeeze my luscious body into a Zac Posen tube dress.

Seth Meyers: So, what are you going to do?

Mo’Nique: Well, if you will indulge me, seth, I would like to practice my acceptance speech. Please take a stop watch and time me.

Seth Meyers: Oh, okay. Great. Excellent. So, 45 seconds, Mo’Nique. Here… we… go!

Mo’Nique: [ breathing heavily ] Ooh, yes, yes! Tonight! What a night! Ohhh, it’s all good tonight. Oh, yes. We are her. I want to thank —

Seth Meyers: Time!

Mo’Nique: No!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Mo’Nique: Oh. That’s bad.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, it’s really bad.

Mo’Nique: Did I thank God?

Seth Meyers: No.

Mo’Nique: Oh. Well, that won’t do, Seth.

Seth Meyers: No.

Mo’Nique: Maybe we could try again.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Maybe just get into it a little faster? I think that would help, you know? Start talking faster.

Mo’Nique: Okay.

Seth Meyers: Okay, so here we go. 45 Seconds. Go!

Mo’Nique: [ breathing heavily, but quickly ] Oh, my goodness! Alright! Yes! Tonight! What a night! Oh, it’s all good tonight. Yes. We are her. Ohhh! I want to thank —

Seth Meyers: Oh, you’re slowing down now.

Mo’Nique: SO many people. I want to start at the bottom and work my way to the top.

Seth Meyers: Oh, I’d start at the top.

Mo’Nique: I want to thank Cece Peanut, ReRe Davis, T.T. Malloy — they’re the real deal, Seth. They’re the people that keep it going!

Seth Meyers: Who are they?

Mo’Nique: Well, one is my first cousin, and the other two are very proud black women I met at a party.

Seth Meyers: You do not have time to thank all these people.

Mo’Nique: Well, I want to thank the key grip, the regular grips… I want to thank the entire electrical department involved in this project. You brought a light to this set that was both spiritual and practical. How much time do I have left, Seth?

Seth Meyers: One second.

Mo’Nique: Oh, and God!

Seth Meyers: Done!

Mo’Nique: Ah, I’m still not quite there, Seth.

Seth Meyers: What are you going to do?

Mo’Nique: Probably just talk for three or four minutes.

Seth Meyers: Well, then, what are you going do when the orchestra plays you off?

Mo’Nique: Seth, I am not one of these skinny white bitches who went to Juilliard or Carnegie Mellons who get scares when I heard violin music! I am a stand-up comedienne. I have played the Apollo, Seth. The Sandman himself couldn’t get me to budge. I am a heavy beautiful black woman. It will take more than a conductor’s baton to get me off the stage. Somebody’s gonna have to get up underneath my juicy behind and PUSH!! Based on a novel by Sapphire. God bless us all!

Seth Meyers: Mo’Nique, everyone! Good luck, you deserve it.

In the latest storyline of “Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker gets fired from his photography job and becomes unemployed. And, more bad news: the Hulk was downsized.

About 5200 naked people posed for a group photo taken on the steps of the Sydney Opera House this week. In the process, breaking the record for most australian men saying, “That’s not a penis, THIS is a penis!”

Lady Gaga said recently that she is currently single and celibate. Like the saying goes: “A good man is hard to find while you’re wearing a scuba suit made of bone that that’s lit on fire by a team of shirtless male dancers.”

Police in a small town in Texas spent thirty minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [ cue “Yakety Sax”, the closing theme from “The Benny Hill Show” ] Harrowing, harrowing stuff!

A man in Vietnam who set the Guinness world record for having the longest hair, at 22 feet, died this week at the age of 79. Tragically, he was going down an escalator when suddenly, and without warning, he died of cancer.

Seth Meyers: March is National Women’s History Month. Here to comment is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: Thank you, Seth. Hello. I am here because I could not be more excited about Women’s History Month — or, should I say “Women’s Herstory Month”.

Seth Meyers: Oh.

Will Forte: You see how I just changed the word “History” for the word “Herstory”, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I-I saw that.

Will Forte: So, uh, to celebrate this great occasion, I did a lot of research and wrote a pretty amazing song about Great Women in Herstory. I did it again. Did you see that?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Will Forte: And this song is SO good, that I’ve been trying to get every high school in America to teach it in class. But it’s been a tough sell because, full disclosure, I’ve been asking them for a lot of money to use it. And they’re being real cheapskates about it. Hey, look — I know that $50,000 per school is a lot of money. But I ask you, you stupid high schools of America: How do you put a price on women’s herstory? Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. No, I see it every time.

Will Forte: Okay. Anyway, you be the judge. Here’s the song. It is called “Women’s Herstory: Did You See What I Did?” [ he riffs ] I like to start with a little riffing at the beginning.

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Will Forte: So — and one, two, three, four!

[ singing ]

“Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi, government
Emily Dickinson, books.

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
You should have been paid more money than men.
Good job, women!
Terrific job, women!
Your history is now “herstory” — See what I did there?

Sally Ride, space woman
Mary Tyler Moore threw that hat
Diane Keaton wore a tie like a dude
And Helen Keller said “Waaa!”

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
Enjoy the month of March, ’cause that’s all you get.
Good job, women!
And good song, Will Forte!
What good information that should be taught in school.

High schools of America, what are you thiiiinkiiiing?
Kids should learn about the wife of President Lincoln — I do not know her name.
I’m sorry, this section is kind of a digression
But I just wanted everyone to know what dicks the high schools are being.
But back to women now!

Miss Piggy, talking pig
Betty Crocker, cake
The Snapple Lady was a Snapple salesman
Gandhi is a man, he is not on the list.

Good job, women!
Bad job, high schools!
What a great song, I think it’s worth fifty grand.
Cheap, cheap high schools!
Run by a-holes!
I’m going to start my own school and teach only this song!

You dipstick high school!
You brought this on yourself!
Wait ’til I start my own school and take all of your kids!

Will Forte High School!
Where all of the kids ace the Women’s History portion OF THEIR S.A.T’s!”

Suck it American high schools! You guys are freakin’ herstory — Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: I did! Will Forte, everyone! Thank you!

Will Forte: Thank you.

Seth Meyers: It was announced this week that the cast of “Glee” will embark on a seven day live concert tour this Spring. Said your son who never got the hang of a throwing a spiral.

A Chuck E. Cheese in Harlem, New York has posted a new set of rules that prohibits custimers from wearing gang style apparel and from engaging in gang style conduct. Though, if your gang meets at Chuck E. Cheese, chances are it’s not really a gang.

A company in Australia has created a line of men’s underwear made with banana fibers, which is great as long as you’re cool with the occasional monkey rape.

A man in South Carolina was arrested while high on crack driving a stolen go-cart. Though I’m surprised he was arrested, since a guy smokinh crack and driving a stolen go-cart is the South Carolina state flag.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Zach Drops By The Set

…..Brian Williams
…..Zack Galafiankis
…..Dr. Mahmet Oz
…..Jeremy Sisto
…..Anthony Anderson

[ title card: “Zach Drops By The Set”, over cheery piano music ]

[ dissolve to NBC Nightly News montage ]

Announcer: This is “NBC Nightly News” with Brian Williams.

[ dissolve to Brian Williams ]

Brian Williams: Coming up tonight on the broadcast, as we wind down another week, Senator John McCain tries to refire his political hopes in his home state of Arizona. While he was the GOP standard bearer last time around —

[ Zach Galifianakis appears in the window behind Williams ]

Brian Williams: He suddenly finds himself with a viable primary challenge in Arizona —

[ cut to “Showtime at the Apollo” ]

Announcer: “Showtime at the Apollo!”

Comedian: See, real hos still got the slave voice! “I don’t know, Sugar!”

[ reveal Black woman cracking up in the audience, with Zach seated between them, somewhat uncomfortable at having been caught on camera ]

[ cut to “The Dr. Oz Show” ]

Dr. Oz: [ demonstrating ] The deal is to appreciate what happens if you grow more of this fat. Because this is the right amount to have in your belly. Remember: it’s not the fat in your thighs and your ass that hurts you, it’s — [ Zach lifts his shirt ] Yeah, that’s it. That’s the fat.

[ cut to “30 Rock” ]

[ Jane Krakowski as Jenna approaches Jack McBrayer as Kenneth ]

Jane Krakowski: I you need to distract Tracy for the afternoon, so I can read a script.

Jack McBrayer: Oh, I don’t know. I’d love to, but it just doesn’t feel right.

[ Zach appears at the end of the hall, and makes his way toward the two characters while unwrapping a Werther’s Original ]

Zach Galifianakis: Are you guys doing a TV show or something? [ they stare at him ] I was in a Rascal Flatts video once.

[ cut to a birthday party being recorded on a camcorder, SUPER: “Madison’s 11th Birthday – Nov. 8 2002, 3:38 PM” ]

[ the camera pans among the kids in the living room to reveal Zach seated uncomfortably on the couch ]

Zach Galifianakis: Is this a movie?

Voice: Yeah.

[ cut to “Law & Order” ]

[ SUPER: “Apartment of Carmen Yonks, 183 Lexington Avenue, Saturday March 6” ]

[ dissolve to exterior street scene ]

Landlord: Seemed like a nice enough girl. Always paid her rent on time.

Jeremy Sisto: She ran a high class call girl ring. Did you look the other way in exchange for the services?

[ Zach appears in the background carrying groceries ]

Landlord: No, man. That’s crazy. I ain’t that kind of guy.

[ Zach holds up his cell phone and snaps a picture ]

Jeremy Sisto: Really? You know what? She kept better books than you, pal.

[ Zach dials a number on his cell phone ]

Zach Galifianakis: I’m on the set of “Law & Order” right now. Yeah. They’re talking to a bad guy.

[ the actors turn to look at him ]

Zach Galifianakis: How you doing? Is this part of the show? Freeze! [ into his phone ] Yeah, I’m right here. I’m with them right now. Hold on one second. Hold on one second. [ he hands his phone to Anthony Anderson ] It’s my Aunt Louise.

Anthony Anderson: Alright. Take it back — take it from the top.

Zach Galifianakis: Hey, Anthony! [ he squats and mimes firing a gun ]

[ cut to SNL opening montage, 1983-84 ]

Announcer: It’s “Saturday Night Live”!

[ cut to Robin Williams performing his monologue ]

Robin Williams: You know what I’m saying? Not too many people doing some break-skating, like — ow!! Check it out!

[ cut to a family laughing in the audience, with a bearded little boy in the middle ]

[ SUPER: “Zach Galifianakis: On TV For Over 30 Years” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts