Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Presidential Debate

Bob Schieffer…..Chris Parnell
Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Hofstra University, David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Complex ]

[ dissolve to Bob Schieffer ]

Bob Schieffer: Good evening, I’m Bob Schieffer of CBS News… [ audience cheers ] and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election. I’ll be your moderator tonight, for what we hope will be a lively and substantive discussion… [ checks his notes ] between the candidates: Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona. Gentlemen, let’s begin. Obviously, with another 700-point plunge in the Dow today, this economy is in trouble. Each of you have plans to address the problem, but tell us why yours is better than your opponent’s. We’ll start with Senator McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, let me begin by saying, a few days ago, Senator Obama was out in Ohio, and he had an encounter with a man named Joe, who’s a plumber. We’ll call him “Joe the Plumber”. Now, Joe wants to buy the business where he’s worked for many years. And he looked at Senator Obama’s tax plan, and saw that he was going to pay much higher taxes. Which would leave him unable to employ people, and achieve the American dream. So my question is, why would you want to do that to Joe the Plumber? What did Joe the Plumber ever do to you, that you want to raise his taxes? Of all the people to go after in this way, why single out Joe the Plumber?

Sen. Barack Obama: First of all, look: uh — I don’t recall meeting the individual you’re referring to. But let me say this: nearly all small businesses earn less than $250,000 a year. And if Joe’s business falls into that category, he should know that, under my plan, uh, his taxes will not go up. Not one cent.

Sen. John McCain: Senator, I don’t think most people believe that. I know Joe the Plumber doesn’t. Because he told me so. And frankly, I trust Joe the Plumber a lot more than I trust your plan. Because Joe the Plumber is a straight shooter, and one of the finest people I’ve ever known. And I’ll tell you something else: He’s got a lot of good ideas on how to fix this economy. And, as President, I’ll be relying on his advice and expertise.

Bob Schieffer: Let’s turn to a related topic. Over the last several years, we’ve seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts saying this year’s could reach nearly a trillion dollars. What will either of you do to bring government spending under control? Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, look — uh, obviously, Bob, all government programs need to be examined to see if they’re necessary, or if they’re working, or if they could do the job more efficiently. But we’ve got to cut these programs carefully, with a — a — a scalpel, not a hatchet.

Sen. John McCain: [ grinning boradly ] The fact is, Senator, only one of us has a record of fighting wasteful government spending, and it’s me. As President, I would go after the bloated budgets with a GIANT hatchet, and THEN use a scalpel. Or I might take the advice of my friend, Joe the Plumber, and use a plunger.

Sen. Barack Obama: A — a — a plunger? I don’t understand.

Sen. John McCain: Obviously, Senator. It’s not an ordinary plunger. It’s a magical plunger.

Sen. Barack Obama: So, your friend “Joe the Plumber” has a “magical plunger”?

Sen. John McCain: That’s correct.

Sen. Barack Obama: Would your friend Joe, be, by any chance, uhhh — an “imaginary friend?”

Sen. John McCain: Senator, Joe the Plumber lives in a cigar box, under my bed, with our friend Simon.

Bob Schieffer: So… Joe the Plumber would be very tiny, then.

Sen. John McCain: Joe stands about three-and-a-half inches tall. Except when he’s upset. Then he can become as big as a house! He’s my best friend.

Bob Schieffer: [ uncomfortable ] Alright, let’s turn to a new topic…

Sen. John McCain: Bob, could I just add, that Simon is invisible?

Bob Schieffer: Of course. [ a beat ] Gentlemen, over the last few weeks, the tone of this campaign has become increasingly nasty. Senator Obama, in describing your opponent, your campaign has used words like “erratic”, “out of touch”, “lying”, “losing his bearings”, “senile”, “dementia”, “nursing home”, “decrepit”, and “at death’s door”. Senator McCain, your ads have featured terms such as “disrespectful”, “dangerous”, “foreign”, “sleeper agent”, and “uncircumcised”. Are you both comfortable with this level of discourse?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, look, Bob: uh, obviously, in any campaign, harsh things are going to be said. And certainly, both of our campaigns have now and then crossed the line. But, I have to say; I am troubled by some of the things said about me at my opponent’s rallies. Things like “traitor”, “kill him”, and “off with his head”. Uhhh — and, unfortunately, Senator McCain has yet to condemn these comments.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, as to the “off with his head” comment, that was shouted at a rally we held at a Renaissance Fair. The gentleman had too much mead and he was removed by security.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhhh — at that same event, I was also denounced as a “sorcerer”.

Sen. John McCain: At any rally of nearly ninety — uh, seventy-five people, you’re going to get a couple of crackers. We all know that. But, just a few moments ago, my opponent slandered my very best friend in the world, Joe the Plumber, by calling him “imaginary”. Would the Senator like to apologize to Joe for that remark?

Sen. Barack Obama: [ looking into the camera ] Uhhh — Joe, when attempting to confirm your existence…

Sen. John McCain: Senator, why don’t you say it to his face? He’s right here. [ he points to the top of his desk ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ leans his head close to McCain’s desk ] Uhhh — Joe, if I in any way implied that you do not exist, I sincerely apologize.

Sen. John McCain: [ he nods ] Joe the Plumber tells me he accepts your apology… [ cocks his ear ] Wait a second, what’s that? No, don’t worry, my tiny friend, I won’t let him raise your taxes.

Bob Schieffer: Alright, we have time for one more question. Let’s talk about the people each of you would bring into government, and their qualifications. Specifically, your running mates. Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: For nearly 35 years, uh, Joe Biden has established a reputation for honesty, uh, compassion, and a mastery of the issues affecting this nation. Uhh, I can’t think of anyone more qualified to assume the Presidency, should anything happen to me.

Bob Schieffer: Senator McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, I’ve known Senator Biden for nearly 25 years. I think he’s a good man, but let me say something here: he has never been particularly nice to Joe the Plumber. I think Joe the Plumber resents that. In fact, I KNOW he does. But as to my own running mate, Governor Palin, I couldn’t be more proud of her. Now, on the question of people I’d bring into government, let me say here tonight, that, as President, I will be the first to add a cabinet-level Department of Plumbing. And you know how I’m going to tap for that post?

Bob Schieffer: Joe the Plumber?

Sen. John McCain: Bingo! Joe the Plumber. You’re damn straight.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, what about your mutual friend Simon, who also lives in the cigar box under your box?

Sen. John McCain: Senator, Simon cannot serve in the Cabinet, because Simon… is a unicorn. And I think you know that.

Bob Schieffer: [ shakes his head ] And that concludes tonight’s third and final Presidential debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, goodnight and Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 16th, 2008

None

None

None

Chris Parnell

None


Third Presidential DebateSummary: Bob Schieffer (Chris Parnell) moderates the third Presidential debate etween Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond), as the candidates jab about Joe the Plumber.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama, John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: A crazed John McCain supporter (Kristeen Wiig) interrupts the newscast to ramble anti-Obama sentiments. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) is fueled with rage over the possibility that the “Bradley Effect” could hurt Barack Obama at the polls.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
Daryl Hall…..Will Forte
John Oates…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Seth Meyers: And I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government’s new 700 billion dollar plan saying, “It’s going to take a while.” Of course, the good news is, he’s never been right.

A new national poll suggests that six in ten Americans think another great depression is likely. But half of those people say they look forward to seeing homeless people wearing fedoras again.

Amy Poehler: The second presidential debate was held Tuesday night, and the town hall format featured an audience comprised of a diverse cross-section of eighty undecided bald dudes.

At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeleine Albright that she read off of a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming: “America Runs On Dunkin.”

Seth Meyers: Last week, dozens of movie and television productions in India’s Bollywood shut down as actors and crewmembers went on strike. Hopefully the dispute can be resolved by the people that control Bollywood: the Bjews.

A friend of O.J. Simpson says that, before the start of his trial, he broke up with Christie Prody, his girlfriend of ten years. Well, he didn’t O.J. break up with her, he just regular broke up with her.

Amy Poehler: According to a new report, at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. Oh, man, I hope that list includes armadillos ’cause, yo! I be HATIN’ armadillos!

Seth Meyers: You’ve always been hatin’ armadillos.

Amy Poehler: Always!

Seth Meyers: It’s been a rough week on Wall Street. Today alone, the Dow plunged 678 points, closing below 9,000. Here to talk more in-depth about the economic crisis is Weekend Update’s new financial expert, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth, Amy.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. Good to see you, thanks for coming. Now, we all know that our current economic situation has left every American fearful of what’s in store. Oscar, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?

Oscar Rogers: Well, Seth, there was a light, but it’s broken! And somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay, well, that doesn’t sound very promising.

Oscar Rogers: It’s not! These people need to FIX IT! I’ve been a financial consultant for 16 years, and I’ve never seen it this out of control! They need to clamp it down and FIX IT! When I wake up tomorrow morning, it better be FIXED!

Seth Meyers: But how do we go about fixing it, specifically?

Oscar Rogers: Take it one step at a time. Identify the problem. FIX IT! Identify another problem. FIX IT! Repeat as necessary until it is all FIXED!!

Seth Meyers: Uh — you keep saying “fix it”, but how?

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Fix what?

Oscar Rogers: IT! It needs to be FIXED! NOW!!

Seth Meyers: Any, uh — any final words? Although, I think I know what they’re gonna be.

Oscar Rogers: Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think I’m gonna say, Seth?

Seth Meyers: I don’t know , probably “fix”…

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone.

Amy Poehler: The U.S. Department of Agriculture issued a warning this week, urging customers to thoroughly cook frozen chicken dinners, after 32 people got salmonella poisoning. So, I know it’s hard, but try to hold back your excitement over your frozen chicken dinner long enough for it to cook properly.

Seth Meyers: A woman in England paid over $17,000 for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact.

At a House Committee hearing on Tuesday, it was revealed that, after receiving an $85 million government bailout, insurance giant AIG spent $440,000 on a luxury retreat for top earners. Which brings us to a segment we like to call “REALLY!?! WITH SETH AND AMY.”

[ art card ]

Seth Meyers: Really, AIG? Really? You went on this retreat only six days after receiving an 85 billion dollar bailout? Really? Even the mafia knows not spend money that soon after a heist. I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! And the retreat was planned to recognize AIG’s top earners? Really? What does it take to be a top earner at AIG right now? Did you sell your office furniture on Craigslist?

Seth Meyers: I mean, Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And you spent $150,000 on banquets? Really? Was your waiter Prince? Did you hire robot chefs? You better have a robot chef, because, if there were any humans in the kitchen, you drank urine!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you did! You really did! Really! And, and you defended the retreat, saying it had been planned before the bailout. That’s like going ahead with Grandma’s birthday party even though Grandma died three days ago. Really!

Seth Meyers: And Really, you had to go there for teambuilding? Here’s a cheaper way to do team building. You know all those empty sacks that used to be filled with money? Get in those and race.

Amy Poehler: Yeah! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Also, the Federal Reserve on Wednesday agreed to provide AIG with a second 37 billion dollar loan, on top of the original 85 billion dollar loan. Yeah! Which brings us to a new segment we like to call, “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!”

[ art card ]

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! Are you serious, Federal Government?!

Seth Meyers: Are you really serious?!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! It’s like you gave your junkie cousin $100 for rent, and then you ran into him at the dog track, and you gave him another $37 billion! I mean, are you serious?!

Seth Meyers: Seriously, are you serious?!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

[ art card ]

Announcer: This has been “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” within a “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to black ]

[ return to “Weekend update” with the audience cheering ]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Welcome back to “SNL Weekend Update Thursday”! Those commercials were great!

A tavern in Japan has a pair of monkeys wearing jackets and shorts, that take hot towels out of a warm oven and give them to patrons. So business is booming over at T.G.I’ve Been Scalded by a Monkey.

The original Carvel Ice Cream store in Hartsdale, New York is closing, after more than seventy years of promoting cruelty to whales.[ picture: chocolate whale cake ]

Seth Meyers: A new video game is being developed called “Scratch: The Ultimate DJ”, which is a hip-hop version of “Guitar Hero” using a turntable controller. For kids who are too lazy to learn the fake guitar.

Cities and states across the country are facing a road salt shortage, leading many areas scrambling to stockpile before the first snow arrives. Because no one could have possibly anticipated another winter.

Amy Poehler: As the election nears, both candidates have been lining up the support of such popular musicians as Bruce Springsteen, who supports Obama, and Hank Williams Jr., who supports McCain. Here now, another politically committed musical group, Hall and Oates. [ Hall & Oates appear ] Okay, ho you doing, Hall & Oates? Okay, so — you guys, which candidate do you guys support?

Daryl Hall: Well, actually, I support Barack Obama.

John Oates: And I support John McCain.

Daryl Hall: Yeah, we don’t agree on the candidates, uh, but we do respect each others’ opinions and we believe this song gets out both of our messages fairly and equally. Hit it!

(MUSIC: “You Make My Dreams Come True”)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“What I want, you’ve got
A choice in this election.
Gotta make the right selection
Obama or McCain.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Yeah, yeah)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Two great candidates
That you can choose to vote for.
Yuo could pick the cool Black guy
Or a weird old man who’s lame.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Hold up)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Well, well, you…”

John Oates: [ singing ] (ooh-ooh, hoo-ooh, ooh-ooh)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Obama makes my dreams come true!”

John Oates: [ singing ] (McCain’s good, too — ooh-hoo, McCain)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“I agree with you
McCain is bad.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (I didn’t say that)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “But Obama is really good.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Not cool, you changed the words, to suit your liberal agenda)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“WEll, I heard McCain
once built his own sex dungeon.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Hey, I just realzied something, you sing most of this song)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Yes, that’s true
Now you shut up, while I’m singing
about McCain’s thirst for dog blood
like a vampire, but with dogs.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (This sucks)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Not for me.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (I quit, Daryl Hall, I quit)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Don’t leave, Oates
I’ll miss you.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Okay, I’m back, you convinced me)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “I’m glad that’s settled.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Me too, me too)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Let’s not ever ley politics
come between us again.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)

Amy Poehler: Hall and Oates, everybody!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: Thank you very much. See you back here next week, with another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”.

Seth Meyers: Special thanks to Bill Murray and Chris Parnell. Thank you for coming back.

Amy Poehler: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Presidential Debate

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Elizabeth Wheeler…..Casey Wilson
Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Quigley…..Bill Hader
Anthony Cipelli…..Bobby Moynihan
William Murray…..Bill Murray
Mark Ladue…..Jason Sudeikis
Susan Calkins…..Kristen Wiig
David Kip…..Andy Samberg
Dalton Cheeks…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Belmont University, Curb Event Center ]

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw ]

Tom Brokaw: Good evening, and welcome… [ audience applauds ] to Belmont University, in Nashville, Tennessee, for the second in a series of three Presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, and, Senator John McCain of Arizona. I’m Tom Brokaw, of NBC News, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight’s debate will follow a town hall format, with questions submitted by the eighty undecided voters in our audience, as well as thousands more sent in via email. From this enormous list of penetrating, insightful, and provocative questions, I have chosen the eight least interesting. For each question, the candidates will be allowed a twenty-five second response, and, at my discretion, a three second follow-up. These are the rules both campaigns agreed upon. And our first question is for Senator Obama, and it comes from Elizabeth Wheeler.

Elizabeth Wheeler: Senator Obama. Over the last few weeks, the financial crisis which began with home foreclosures has threatened to wreck the entire economy. As President, how would you deal with this?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhh — first of all, Elizabeth, thank you for that question. There is no doubt, that after eight years of failed Republican policies, policies which Senator McCain supported, this economy is a shambles. But let me tell you, and the American people, one thing I absolutely promise…

Tom Brokaw: Time’s up! Senator McCain?

Sen. John McCain: Elizabeth, to find any solution to this economic mess, we’re going to have to put aside partisanship. Something my opponent — [ points to Obama with his thumb ] this character here — isn’t very good at. But I’ve done my whole career. You know, my friends, I’m not the most popular guy in my own party. Just ask Senator Trent Lott. I took his car one time without asking, and totaled it. Just drove it into a wall, and walked away! I’m not going to win any popularity contests among Republicans. But, Maria, when it comes to the economy, here’s what I’d do. It’s very simple…

Tom Brokaw: Your time is up! For our next question, we’ll turn to foreign policy. The question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Kevin Quigley.

Kevin Quigley: [ reading from a card in his hand ] Senator, in recent months, Russia has threatened to cut off natural gas supplies to Europe, and invaded the Republic of Georgia. As President, how would you deal with this new Cold War threat?

Sen. John McCain: Well, first of all, Luther, thank you for your question. And let me start by saying, no foreign policy can succeed if it’s not bi-partisan. So I would first… reach out for the support of Senate Democrats. And if that bothers my fellow Republicans, frankly, I don’t care. Ask Lindsay Graham. I once flushed three cherry bombs down the toilet of his Senate office. Absolutely destroyed the plumbing. I’m willing to buck members of my own party. Now, Eduardo, as to dealing with Russia… I would order all our nuclear-armed B-52s into the airspace over that country. And I would deliver the following message to Mr. Putin and Medvedev… my friends —

Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain, your time is up! Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, Kevin, by way of answering your very profound question, let me tell you about an experience I once had. And, this is a story I’ve never told anyone. Now, uh, when I was a young boy, uh, maybe eight or nine, I was taken aboard an alien spacecraft. And held there for about two Earth Weeks. And, I’ll never forget something the leader of that alien crew told me…

Tom Brokaw: That’s it, Senator Obama! Your time is up.

Sen. Barack Obama: If I could, uh, this is a really interesting story.

Tom Brokaw: Okay, these were rules BOTH campaigns agreed on!

Sen. Barack Obama: But…

Tom Brokaw: Our next question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Anthony Cipelli.

Anthony Cipelli: Thank you. Senator McCain, over the last ten years or so, it seems Americans have grown increasingly divided from one another. How would you bring this nation together?

Sen. John McCain: Oscar, that’s a very good question. And here’s my answer. I would continue what I’ve done for 25 years, which is to reach across party lines. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] Something that “pee-pants” over here would never even consider! Because, you see, Zebediah, I don’t mind upsetting members of my own party. Elizabeth Dole will tell you. I once got a hold of one of her checkbooks, and kited checks all over Washington! I ruined her credit rating! [ quickly ] She’d be the first to agree, I’m no slave to Republican orthodoxy. How was my time?

Tom Brokaw: Just made it.

Sen. John McCain: Yes!!!

Tom Brokaw: Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: [ throughout this answer, McCain wanders around the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame ] Anthony, you’ve hit the question. How do we as a people come together? So, let me tell you another story I’ve never shared before. One I left out of my second book. It’s about a man I met many years ago in Chicago. And, uh, at first, I thought, we had almost nothing in common. But over the course of working together, year in, year out. Talking to each other, and most important, listening to each other, we became friends. Sharing not only that friendship, but our plans for this country’s future. And that man — my best friend, and my mentor — is former Weather Underground leader, and un-repentant terrorist, William Ayers. Now, I’m telling you this because, I’m so far ahead in the polls right now, it’s not going to matter.

Tom Brokaw: Thank you, Senator. 1.6 seconds over. We now have a question for both candidates. And it’s from William Murray.

[ the audience cheers and applauds the sight of Bill Murray ]

William Murray: Senator Obama, Senator McCain… Last week, in the National League Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game One, the Cubs lost 7-3. In Game Two, they lost 10-3. And in Game Three, 3-1. What, as President, would you do to guarantee this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh — that’s a fair question, William. But let’s face it. The Cubs may very well be in the Playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again. And they’re going to keep right on losing, year after year, after year. Because that, that is what the Cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean Cubs fans away from supporting that team, and re-train them to root for other teams, teams that will actually have a chance of winning.

Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain?

Sen. John McCain: Here, I have to agree with my opponent. Let me give you some straight talk, my friends. The Cubs will never win the pennant. Much less the World Series. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] “Junior” over there, he won’t tell you that. [ he laughs ] I just did!

Tom Brokaw: Alright, we’ve fallen a bit behind, so we’re going to pick up the pace. Our next question is from Mark Ladue, and it’s for Senator McCain.

Mark Ladue: Senator McCain, uh, while here in the U.S., our economy is suffering; in Iraq, there is an economic boom. Shouldn’t the government of that country reimburse us the cost of the war?

Sen. John McCain: My friends…

Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Time! We’ll go now to Susan Calkins who has a question for Senator Obama. Ms. Calkins, quickly.

Susan Calkins: Senator Obama. Healthcare costs have exploded. As a full-time —

Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Ms. Calkins, I’m sorry! Your time is up!

Susan Calkins: [ she scowls and sits ]

Tom Brokaw: We’ve almost no time left, and I’d like to get both our remaining questions in. So I’m going to ask David Kip and Dalton Cheeks to read them simultaneously.

(at the same time:)

David Kip: Senator Obama. As a teacher, I find myself dealing with larger and larger classes, but without a corresponding increase in resources. As president, how would you address this?

Dalton Cheeks: Senator McCain. Like yourself, I am a military veteran. And in dealing with the Veterans Administration, it seems we’re left to fend for ourselves. How, as President, could you help?

Tom Brokaw: Senators, your simultaneous responses?

(at the same time, split screen:)

Sen. Barack Obama: That’s an excellent question, David. And let me say, teachers are too important to the future of this country, to leave them in this outrageous situation. When I am President, this will change. And that’s change you can believe in.

Sen. John McCain: Thank you for that question, Dalton. And let me tell you something. In a McCain Presidency, no veteran will go without the help he needs. That’s one promise I will never break. As sure as I’m a maverick. A reform-minded, straight-talking maverick.

Tom Brokaw: (clicks stop watch) Unbelievable! That’s unbelievable! We got every question in, with nine seconds to spare.

[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain high five ]

Tom Brokaw: So, clearly, this has been…

[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain wanders the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame during Brokaw’s closing]

…one of the finest Presidential debates ever. Uh, I’d like to thank the candidates… gentlemen, you’re blocking my prompter there…

[Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain clear out of the shot ]

…I’d like to thank the candidates, our audience, and Belmont University. From all of us here in Nashville, good night, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Submitted by: Ian Manka & Larkin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 9th, 2008

None

None

None

Chris Parnell

Bill Murray

None


Presidential DebateSummary: Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell) moderates the second Presidential debate and town hall forum between Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Barack Obama, John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Regarding the economic crisis, financial expert Oscar Rogers says we need to “Fix it!” Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when AIG overspends on a luxury retreat following the bailout crisis, then are furtherly flabbergasted to ask “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armisen) sing a partisan campaign tune that leans closer to supporting Barack Obama.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

The Lawrence Welk Show

Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen
Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell
Nora…Casey Wilson
Sister #2…Michaela Watkins
Sister #3…Abby Elliott
Junice…Kristen Wiig

(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)

Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”

(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…

(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)

Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.

(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)

Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo,
I like potatoes, I like meat
I like standing on the corner of a street
It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why
It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…

(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Nora: I’m going to the park!

Ted: Hey where you headin’?

Sister #2: Heading to a party!

Ted: Hey where you off to?

Sister #3: Off to the parlor!

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Junice: And I’m Junice!

(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)

Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go,
There is something that I’m dyin’ to know
A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand,
Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!

(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)

Nora: I like strong arms…

Ted: Well I got ’em!

Sister #2: I like white teeth…

Ted: Hey look at ’em!

Sister #3: I like soft skin…

Ted: I use lotion!

Junice: I like, can I touch?

(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)

Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me
I hope you give me a chance-

Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see,
And that’s if you can dance.

Ted: Well I certainly can try.

(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)

Ted: How’s tha-at?

Nora: Ooh that’s nice!

Ted: And how’s thi-is?

Sister #2: Do it twice!

Ted: How’s this feel?

Sister #3: Are you for real?

Ted: Shall we dance real close?

Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).

(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)

Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree
That you’d be the perfect mate…

Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide,
Where will we go on our first date?

Nora: We could go sailing…

Ted: I like that idea.

Sister #2: We can have a picnic…

Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).

Sister #3: We could ride bikes…

Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)

Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed
And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed
And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?

Ted: Yes, that is bad.

Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…

(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–

(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)

Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!

Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.

(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22


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08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and for the season finale —

[Amy Poehler rolls in from the side to wild cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!

[Amy and Seth high five]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back.

Amy Poehler: Thank you. [to audience] Thank you! Thank you!

Together: Here are tonight’s top stories!

Amy Poehler: Ha ha!

In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terrorist suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.

Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hm, who’d have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?

Seth Meyers: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who was aboard the space station Atlantis, became the first person to twitter from space when he sent the message, “Launch was awesome.” So in forty years we went from “One giant leap for mankind” to “Launch was awesome.”

I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the Cosmos, this is how we’ll be notified. [show picture of twitter submission reading, “Alienz, you guys! :-O”]

JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of mafia boss John Gotti. In related news, the JP Morgan Bank has just been found in the East River.

Amy Poehler: The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.

Seth Meyers: Arizona State University this week decided not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama, who gave the comencement address at their graduation ceremony, claiming that he hasn’t accomplished enough. That brings us to a segment we like to call, “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

[show segment logo and theme]

Seth Meyers: Really, Arizona State? You didn’t want to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama? You do realize half the people you gave regular degrees to were wearing flip flops and hiding flasks? Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fine school. Princeton Review ranks you number 17 – as a party school. As in “school” school you’re 121st. That bums you out, may I suggest you go party?

Amy Poehler: Really? And really, Arizona State, you might be over-valuing the worth of your degrees. Your acceptance rate is 95 per cent. Your slightly more selective than the Burger King Kids’ Club.

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Were you worried that giving the degree to someone as underqualified as President Obama would tarnish the noble image of Sparky the Sun Devil? [show image of Arizona State’s mascot]

Seth Meyers: And really, how are you not impressed enough with his accomplishments? Who are you, the Great Santini? What other accomplishments are you waiting for? Not only is he the first black President, he’s the first guy in history to get accepted by Harvard and get rejected by a safety school. I mean, really?

Amy Poehler: Really!? He could live to be 200, and the first entry on his Wikipedia page will still be, “first black President.” Really! Here’s- here’s how I think the Board of Regents meeting went. Dean Skeeter was all like, “he’s only 47,” and then Dean Scootch was all like, “it’s only been a hundred days,” and then Dean Skeeter goes, “47 only goes in a hundred like four times,” and then the pizza came and the meeting was over.

Seth Meyers: And really – Arizona State, you’ve made a dangerous gamble, because when the talks between the U.S. and Iran break down because Ahmadinejad said, “if you’re so smart, where’s your honorary degree from Arizona State?” – that’s on you! Really!

Amy Poehler: That’s blood on you hands! Really! And you know, Seth, on a different note congratulations to Notre Dame who will be giving an honorary degree to the President despite pro-life protestors. Cause, you see, Notre Dame understands that honorary degrees carry all the gravitas of a #1 Dad coffee mug. Really?

Seth Meyers: And lastly, Arizona State, you should be happy you got President Obama to speak at your graduation. You know who spoke on my graduation? Tootie from “Facts of Life.” Really! She spoke for twelve minutes and said “Facts of Life” fifty times.

Amy Poehler: And you know who spoke at mine? Natalie from “The Facts of Life”, and she never even mentioned the show!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Really? Really?!

[show segment logo and theme]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Seth Meyers: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Goslin from the reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” denied that she and her husband were splitting up, though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.”

Karda, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday after she short-circuted an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.

Amy Poehler: Walt Disney World Resort is opening an attraction next week called “The Great Piggybank Adventure,” which will teach families about personal finance. Though not as effectively as Disney’s other new attraction, “Offshore Bankers of the Caribbean.”

Seth Meyers: Last week Major League baseball was rocked by yet another steroid scandal as Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for taking advance substance. Here now to discuss the issues of steroids and baseball, the ghost of Harry Carey.

Harry Carey: Hey! Hey everybody! Hey guys, hey guy. Harry Carey here! From the after life! And I gotta tell ya, folks – being dead is fantastic! This is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s like Heaven.

Seth Meyers: It’s- it’s like Heaven or it is Heaven?

Harry Carey: Let’s not get caught up in the semantics argument, Seth. The fact is it’s great.

Seth Meyers: Well, I’m- that’s good, I’m glad to hear it.

Harry Carey: Hey! You know the one thing used for currency in Heaven? Angel bucks. You always have 100 angel bucks in you wallet. And even after you pay for something you still have 100 angel bucks. I don’t even know what the point is, I guess they- they figured that even in Heaven, people like having wallets.

Seth Meyers: So how do you feel about the whole Manny Ramirez situation, Harry?

Harry Carey: Hey, Seth. Don’t you think Manny Ramirez looks like the monster from Predator?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I guess his hair is sorta-

Harry Carey: I mean, based on his size and strength, I bet the Predator monster would make a pretty good ball player. I mean, the fear would be that he would kill all the other players. I mean, I guess you can ask him not to. But I think he’d probably just tell you what you wanted to hear. Do you think you could trust him, Seth?

Seth Meyers: What?

Harry Carey: Hey, don’t jerk me around, Seth! It’s a simple ‘yes or no’ question. If the Predator monster promised he wouldn’t kill all the other players, would you put him in the game?

Seth Meyers: No?

Harry Carey: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.

Seth Meyers: Okay… Do you feel like the continuing steroid scandals are tarnishing baseball?

Harry Carey: I’ve been talking about this very question a lot with my room mate in Heaven, baseball great Pete Rose.

Seth Meyers: Pete Rose isn’t dead.

Harry Carey: You’re kidding? That really burns me, I just- I just paid that guy 100 angel bucks for some memorabilia. I duped me. Although, now that I think about it there were some signs that he might not have been who he said he was.

Seth Meyers: What signs?

Harry Carey: Well, he didn’t seem to know much about baseball, and he was Asian. Come to think of it, he might never have even told me he was Pete Rose, I just assumed it. Hey!

Seth Meyers: Do you have anything else to add?

Harry Carey: Just this – waterboarding is torture, Seth. It’s like the one thing that everyone in Heaven agrees on.

Seth Meyers: Well, that… came out of nowhere.

Harry Carey: Not really. It popped into my head because I’m gonna waterboard Asian Pete Rose when I get back to my room. I mean, Heaven or no Heaven – I don’t like getting duped, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Harry Carey, everyone!

Harry Carey: God bless! Bye, Seth! Hey, bye, Amy!

Amy Poehler: Bye, Harry! Bye, Harry!

Pfizer unveiled a new program Thursday that provides people who have lost their jobs and health insurance with free Lipotorine Viagra. So good news, ladies! You know that fat guy you’ve been dating who uses Viagra? He doesn’t have a job!

Seth Meyers: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching tenth grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat tenth grade English.

It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca’s suicide note.

A company in Japan has developed a set of knee pads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splashback when they urinate. Also, that’s not what they’re for.

Amy Poehler: In an interview this week Tom Cruise said that he will never give up his life as an actor to go into politics. Though he would consider giving up movies to become “Pope of Outer Space.”

A man in Florida who is an aspiring rapper told police that he robbed a convenience store and shot a clerk in the head with a BB gun in an effort to gain street cred for his hip hop career. So good luck with your career, Lil’ Douchebag.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And he’s Seth Meyers! Good night!

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Goodnight, Saigon

Fritz…..Will Ferrell
Ray…..Darrell Hammond
Keith…..Bill Hader
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Pianist…..Andy Samberg
Guitarists…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte
Violinists…..Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson
Drums….Fred Armisen
Tambourines…..Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig
Flautist…..Seth Meyers
Triangle…..Amy Poehler
Clarinet…..Maya Rudolph
Saxophonist…..Tom Hanks
Guitar…..Anne Hathaway
Violinist…..Paul Rudd
…..Green Day
Guitar…..Norm MacDonald
…..Artie Lange

[ open with exterior entrance to Grand Central Station ]

[ dissolve to interior, dining area, where Fritz sits with three of his buddies ]

Fritz: So… any summer plans, gentlemen? Any… vay-vay-cays… coming your way-way-way?

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Kenan: Yeah, I think the missus and I are heading down to Mexico for a couple of weeks in June.

Fritz: Oooohh! Me-ji-co! Land of the rising sun. I love it. How about you, Keith?

Keith: I have a new baby — I think it’s gonne be more of a stay-cation, as in Stay-Up-While-She-Cries-cation!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Fritz: Yeah, sometimes the gift of life is also the gift of having no life!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Fritz: How about you, Ray? [ singing ] “Where… in the world… is Ray-mond Fed-e-ri-co going?”

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Ray: Well, Jennifer and I have always wanted to travel through southeast Asia, maybe hit Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam… You’ve been to Vietnam, haven’t you, Fritz?

[ Fritz stares off in a trance ]

Keith: Fritz, what was Vietnam like? Fritz?

[ helicopters sound overhead ]

Keith: Is that a helicopter?

[ Fritz stands, with maracas in hand, as lights from a passing helicopter flash ]

[ an orchestra, formerly ensconced in the dark, lights up behind Fritz ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
“We… met… as… soul mates
On Parris Island.
We left as inmates
From an asylum.”

[ his buddies stare at him in great confusion ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
“And we were sharp
As sharp as knives.
And we were so gung ho
To lay down our lives.

[ Fritz returns to his seat, still staring out into space ]

Kenan: Okay… when was he in Vietnam?

Keith: He went there on vacation. Like… four years ago. [ turns to Fritz ] What time of year did you go?

[ Fritz stands once more, as a trio of violinists join the orchestra ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
“We… had… no… cameras
To shoot the landscape.
We passed the hash pipe
And played our Doors tapes.

And it was dark
So dark at ni-ni-ni-ni-night.
And we held on to each other
Like brother to brother
We promised our mothers we’d write.”

[ his buddies continue to stare at him in great confusion ]

Chorus: [ singing ]
“And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together.”

[ Fritz returns to his seat ]

Ray: Wow! So, he just visited Vietnam… like a tourist?

Keith: Yeah.

Kenan: Well, did something bad happen to him?

Keith: I think he lost his luggage.

Fritz: [ singing ]
“We… held… the day
In the palm
Of our hand.”

[ Fritz stands before the orchestra once more, suddenly flanked by a triangle player, a clarinetist, a saxophonist, a guitarist, and a violinist ]

Fritz: [ singing ]
They… ruled the night.And the night
Seemed to last as long as six weeks
On Parris Island.”

[ Green Day appears onstage with their instruments ]

Chorus: [ singing ]
“We held the coastline
They held the highlands.
And they were sharp
As sharp as kni-kni-kni-kni-knives.
They heard the hum of our motors
They counted the rotors
And waited for us to arrive.”

[ Norm MacDonald appears on guitar; Artie Lange appears as himself ]

Chorus: [ singing ]
“And we would all go down together
We said wed all go down together
Yes we would all go down together
Yes we would all go down together.”

[ Artie Lange leans in to hug a smiling Norm MacDonald ]

[ in the far right corner of the screen, a stagehand’s hand motions for everyone to go down together from the stage ]

[ Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott, and Michaela Watkins go down together ]

[ Artie Lange goes down ]

Audience Member: Artie!

[ the rest of the audience screams, as Artie raises his arms victoriously to them ]

[ Norm MacDonald goes down, followed by Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig, and Fred Armisen holding hands with Elisabeth Moss ]

[ Green Day goes down together, followed by Tom Hanks, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Anne Hathaway, and Paul Rudd ]

[ Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, and Seth Meyers go down together ]

[ the lights dim, and a helicopter sounds in the air, as Fritz solemnly walks down alone, leaving his friends alone together at the table ]

Keith: Wait a second… he just left without paying!

Kenan: Again?!

Ray: Why do we always fall for that?

[ they shrug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22

08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Green Day performs “21 Guns”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Green Day

Will Ferrell: Once again — Green Day.

Green Day: [ singing ]
“Do you know what’s worth fighting for,
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts