Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. I… yes, wooh! Right back at you! I am so- I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of SNL. [to audience] I- I love you too, more than you know. I’ve always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award! [applause] Thank you. And… I should win. Since I’m up against that flash in the pan Liza Minelli. You know, it’s so funny to me, people- people don’t realize that before I was christened the jester, the- the funnyman, the goofbag, I was known and recognized not for comedy, but for my dramatic work in the theater. Let me cross down-stage left and explain.
[Ferrell walks to the side and approaches a TV screen showing a slideshow of various silly pictures, supposedly of him doing dramatic work]
Will Ferrell: So many roles, so many stages. So many moments. And tonight, I once again walk upon the boards and present to you a mere tasting of my theatrical wines. [He strolls back to center-stage] This piece is the last scene in a play I wrote myself called “The Wishful Dreams of Danny O’Neill.” [no applause] Thank you. I will warn you- I will warn you that I have never performed it for an audience that hasn’t wept to the point of being shattered. So get ready to be moved.
[He brings out a chair as the lights are dimmed and piano-playing is heard]
Will Ferrell: [in an overly-dramatic tone] Hi dad. [audience laughs] Please, no laughter. You look so small in that hospital bed, like a boy. They said you can’t hear me, but I- I know you can. Just like when I was little and we would watch TV, and you would ignore me. [audience laughs again] Please, no laughter. Why wouldn’t you talk to me, dad? I was a five year-old boy! I would sit there wringing my hands and my mind would race. I should have been in your lap, eating popcorn. You laughing at a joke I told you and hugging me hard. But there we sat, drowning in that thick Irish disappointment of yours. I watched my mom die slowly from it, and I would find her in the lilac bushes. I’d say, “what’s wrong, mama?” She would say, [in a prominent Irish accent] “your dad is so sahd.” [audience laughs] Thank you. “Not her, she wasn’t allowed to be sad. Was she, dah?” Now I’m spending my life trying so damn hard not to hurt my boy like you hurt me. We sit in the same silence, and his mind races. It’s funny, isn’t it? You never talked to me, but I always wanted the last word. So here it is. [breaks character] Line.
Woman offstage: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it?
Will Ferrell: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it? Maybe you do love me, cause it doesn’t matter, because I love you. [screaming] Do you hear me, papa?! I said I love you! And I forgive you, because I forgive me.
[He knocks on the chair]
Will Ferrell: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s your son. It’s your son, who? It’s your son who- and I’m sorry, line.
Woman offstage: It’s your son who loves you.
Will Ferrell: [to woman, who is not seen] It’s your son who loves you? [to camera] It’s your son, who loves you.
[He slowly turns his back as the piano-playing fades. Lights return to normal and he turns around again]
Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Green Day is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.
Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.
[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?
Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]
Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.
[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…
[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!
Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.
Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.
Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.
Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!
[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…
Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!
Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?
[ Mark appears in the graphic ]
Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…
Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?
Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!
Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]
Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!
Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]
Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]
Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!
Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!
[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ]
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig …..Tom Hanks Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
[ open on “Jeopardy” graphics ]
[ dissolve to game show set ]
Alex Trebek: And welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’d like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We’ve got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin’ a playa, G? G? What’s that mean — Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname — G!
Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.
[ the audience shrieks at the sight of the real Tom Hanks ]
Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.
Alex Trebek: Well, you’ve, uh — you’ve managed to cast away quite a number of points.
Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I’m sorry… what’s that?
Alex Trebek: Oh, I’m sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, “Cast Away”.
Tom Hanks: I — I don’t know what that is.
Alex Trebek: The movie you were in — “Cast Away”.
Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don’t understand.
Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom — that is a pen, not a microphone.
[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]
Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69… [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother… Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn’t your score!
Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]
Alex Trebek: Let’s just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: “Potent Potables”… “Sounds That Kitties Make”… “Twinkle Twinkle Little ____”… “Catch These Men” — every answer is a person on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, so let’s just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I’m pretty sure that that would not turn out well —
Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!
Alex Trebek: I’m ignoring you!
Sean Connery: It’s a prison term — it means I’ve got her working as a prostitute in my employ!
Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed — she uses a walker!
Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]
Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: “States That End In Hampshire”… “What Color Is Green”… and “Current Black Presidents”. Kathie Lee, let’s start with you.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Um… “Potent Potables”? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.
Alex Trebek: It’s… about alcohol.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I’ll take “Potent Potables”! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]
Alex Trebek: For how much?
Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let’s go!
Alex Trebek: We-we-we don’t have wine!
Kathie Lee Gifford: That’s okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]
Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let’s just go with you.
Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?
Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!
Tom Hanks: Uh — uh — I’ll take $600.
Alex Trebek: In what category?
Tom Hanks: The… Video Daily Double.
Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let’s just do “States That End In Hampshire”, for $200. [ reveal square ] “This is the only state ending in Hampshire.”
Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.
Alex Trebek: No!
Tom Hanks: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry! What is South Hampshire?
Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.
Alex Trebek: No, no! That’s not in the United States!
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I’m sorry, Guv’nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]
Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I’ll take “Catch The Semen” for $800.
Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It’s NOT “Catch The Semen”!
Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?
Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?
[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]
Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.
Tom Hanks: Uh, it’s on my hand.
Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?
Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.
Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let — [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!
Tom Hanks: But I — but I want a pickle.
Alex Trebek: But we CAN’T keep playing if you DON’T let go of the pickle!
Sean Connery: That’s what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!
Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.
Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?
Alex Trebek: Yes. It’s actually quite popular… [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.
[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]
Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What’s going on here? Alright, let’s just move on!
[ a buzzer goes off ]
Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.
[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]
Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?
Burt Reynolds: What, I’ve been here the whole time!
Alex Trebek: No, you haven’t!
Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I’ll take, uh — give me, uh — “Famous Chinamen” for $200.
Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!
Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is… Pat Morita?
Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!
Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?
Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: “Nonsense Words”. Just write a random series of letters — any letters — as long as it’s not a word, you will win.
[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]
Alex Trebek: Let’s see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let’s see your nonsense word.
[ screen reveals: “Hoda Kotb” ]
Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That’s not a nonsense word. You’ve bet your co-host on “The Today Show”.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that’s nonsense! Where’s the vowel? Where’s the vowel? Kotb? What’s that?
Alex Trebek: And your wager?
[ screen reveals: “That I’ll be passed out in an hour” ]
Alex Trebek: You wagered that you’ll be passed out in an hour.
Kathie Lee Gifford: You’re darn tootin’, pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!
Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let’s see what you wrote.
[ reveal a busted podium screen ]
Alex Trebek: And… you broke your podium.
Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was…
Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that’s a pen! That’s not a microphone! That’s not a microphone!
Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!
Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where — where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds’ podium just vanished!
Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!
Sean Connery: No, he wasn’t!
Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let’s just see what you wrote. [ Connery’s screen reveals what looks like “101SSSB” ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I’m so very happy in this moment.
Sean Connery: Well… I thought you could use a friend.
Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery’s hand ]
Sean Connery: You’re welcome.
Alex Trebek: … Let’s see what my “friend”, Sean, wagered.
[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek’s grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]
Alex Trebek: If I’m looking at that correctly, that’s you, I take it, defecating on my grave.
Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s it! Show’s over, good night!
[ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]
Will Ferrell: Thanks to Green Day! Tom Hanks! Norm MacDonald! Amy Poehler! Maya Reedolph — Rudolph! Reedolph? [ he shrugs ] Paul Rudd! Anne Hathaway! Artie Lange! Elisabeth Moss!
[ he wraps his arm around Darrell Hammond ]
This is Darrell Hammond, right here!
[ cast members begin to point out Hammond and hug him as the credits roll ]
Priest….Jason Sudeikis Nephew….Bill Hader Graham Yost….Will Ferrell Ms.Baerwald….Casey Wilson Old Blonde….Michaela Watkins Girl mourner….Abby Elliott Gayle….Kristen Wiig Ex-Boyfriend….Fred Armisen Friend of a cousin….Will Forte Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan Glenda Goodwin….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with a funeral home, cut to one of the rooms and there is a funeral service in process. A young girl speaks at a podium]
Girl mourner: And even though I only knew Mr. Baerwald a short time, I will treasure my memories of him for the rest of my life.[leaves, sits down. The priest talks into his hand held microphone]
Priest: Thank you, thank you. That’s lovely. All right, we’ve heard a lot of wonderful stories about Joseph today and now we’re going to move our celebration into the adjoining room for soft drinks and delicious homemade nachos. Thank you to the Hernandez family for that. [a young man whispers in the priest’s ear] Oh, yeah. Of course. One last remembrance of Joseph Baerwald. [gives the young man the mic]
Nephew: Hey, everybody. Uncle Joey was a great guy and before he passed he said I could get his watch. Its a neon green Swatch. It’s a collector’s item and it’s missing. If you have it, I’m gonna put this Ugg boot on top of the coffin. [puts the boot on top of the coffin] Ok? Put the watch in the boot and there will be no questions asked. I appreciate it. [gives mic to the priest]
Priest: There you go. That’s lovely. Ok, all right, so this sad of events on a very tragic loss, but now we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna take the—[a red headed guy whispers in the priest’s ear] no, of course, of course. This will be the very last remembrance—[guy insists and whispers some more in the priest’s ear] yeah, I heard you, yeah I’m gonna do it. This will be the very last remembrance. And FYI there will be another service here in 5 minutes.[gives the mic to the guy]
Graham Yost: Hey, my name is Graham. Like the cracker. My last name is Yost. Like french toast but with a Y. There is no A. If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of “Speed” but I’m currently on it. And um, but I’m joking about that. I’m a botanist and a stand-up comedian. And with the out most respect to Joseph’s wife of 31 years, I have been Joseph’s secret lover for 32.[disturbed look on Ms.Baerwald] And that is also a joke. Um, I have never met a lot of you but I just want to say that I will really miss Joseph and I also be performing at the Comedy Shoppe on May 29th, 30th, June 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th and 25th. If you’d like a flyer I’ll just leave a stack on the casket. [leaves a stack on the casket] I know Joseph will want all of you to be there. Every night. [gives mic back to priest]
Priest: Thank you, thank you. We’ll be sure to look out your show. It looks like we’re done here. Ok, and I have to say—[a girl carrying an oxygen tank with tubes down her nose steps up to the priest] ok, one last one. [gives her the mic]
Gayle: [breaths heavy into the mic] There is a large rodent of some kind trapped in my floorboards. I hear it scuttling about when I’m home alone. If there is anyone here who can kill it, I will give you the rewards of the flesh that you will never forget. [Priest takes the mic off of Gayle]
Priest: Ok, thank you. That was a wonderful offer. Ok, we really got to move on now…[a young guy with long hair and a suit with short pants and boots takes the mic off of the priest]
Ex-Boyfriend: Hey, look at this. All the Baerwald cousins in one room. Trip on that. You know, I know a lot of you been saying that I could never get myself a blonde. Well, turn around and take a look at the back. All of you turn around. [an old blonde with big glasses and sucking a popsicle waves] That’s mine. A blonde. I got myself a blonde. If you guys are looking for me later I’ll be in the back making out. I think you guys know what that sounds. It’ll sound like this. [passionate moaning into the mic] Mmmmm, aaaaah, mmmmmm. Times two. [Annoyed the Priest takes the mic back]
Priest: Ok. I would recomend that everyone look up the meaning of the word respect in the dictionary when they get home.
[a blonde guy with big sunglasses takes the mic from the priest, priest is angry]
Priest: You’re killing me, you’re killing me…
A friend of a cousin: [low grave voice] This year I’ve seen so much death. My cousin Earl died in my arms after a horrible run-in with a water-taxi. Mother died 2 weeks later in an accident for which I’m currently being framed. But perhaps the most tragic death is the death of the American dream because of the failed economic policies of Barack Hussein Obama. I say his middle name because it matters. This is a man who will be shutting down the Guantanamo Bay detention center letting a bunch of turbans run willy-nilly to terrorize my United States of America. So say goodbye to your loved ones and enjoy 2009 because 2010 is going to be a bloodbath of biblical proportions. I took the watch. [gives mic to the priest]
Priest: Wonderful, wonderful. Mystery solv—[a guy snatches the mic from the priest]
Obnoxious guy: WHA-A-A-AT???!!! [drops mic causing feedback, priest picks mic up]
Priest: What is that?! Ok, all right. So that was it. So we’re going to—
[Glenda Goodwin appears with her own mic]
Glenda Goodwin: Hello.
Priest: Where did you get that?
Glenda Goodwin: My name is Glenda Goodwin. I have not known this guy for no time at all. But one thing I do know, Sasquatches are real. And real freaky. And I will like to dedicate this song to this dead person. [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing Sasquatch, your powers are many, you walk through the woods and get photographed! You don’t need a coat but you do need a comb, because your body is basically a beard.[priest tries to end it] Verse 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, where are the nachos?
Priest:[points] Right in there.
Glenda Goodwin: Thank you so much, young lady.[leaves]
Priest: So what I’d love for everybody to do at this point is just—
[Graham returns and takes mic from the priest]
Graham Yost: One of my show dates has been canceled. So I had to make some quick changes. I’m no longer doing the show on the 7th. But I do have some good news though, we were able to add some shows in September.
Priest:[angry] Ok, I’m outta here. [leaves]
Graham Yost: The 4th, September 8th, 9th, the 3rd.
[Glenda appear eating nachos]
Glenda Goodwin: [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing nachos, how zesty the cheese….
Graham Yost: September 14th, two shows on the 15th…
Make-up Girl…..Abby Elliott Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
[ open on exterior, NBC ]
[ dissolve to itnerior, Make-up Room ]
Make-up Girl: So, Mr. Cheney — this is your first time on “Meet The Press” with David Gregory.
Dick Cheney: It is!
Make-up Girl: Great. Now, how do you like your make-up?
Dick Cheney: Enough color so I don’t look like a corpse, but not so much that it looks like I have feelings.
Make-up Girl: Okay. So, can I get you to close your eyes for me?
[ he chuckles snidely, then shuts his eyes as she begins ]
[ as she works on Cheney, former President George W. Bush enters the room stealthily ]
George W. Bush: [ whispering loudly ] Hey, Make-up lady! Give me that brush!
[ she hands Bush the brush and exits the room. Bush proceeds to rub the brush across Cheney’s chin. ]
George W. Bush: [ in a higher octave ] So… are you excited about doing the show?
Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President.
George W. Bush: Aw, DAMN, Dick! You are impossible to surprise! What’s your secret?
Dick Cheney: Well, Mr. President, for one: you whisper too LOUD!
George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s always been a problem of mine! That is one of the many reasons that I am no friend to libraries! [ he tosses the brush aside ]
Dick Cheney: So, what are you doing here, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: Well, Dick, I’ve been contacted by members of the GOP — they’ve asked me to speak to you about your newfound love of the media spotlight.
Dick Cheney: [ nervously ] I, uh… have been making some television appearances.
George W. Bush: Some? You’re on TV more than that ShamWow guy!
Dick Cheney: Well, I understand this visibility is a bit of a change for me.
George W. Bush: Yeah. No DUH to the MAX, Dick! I mean, I spent eight years with my face out there, saying things I barely understood! While you were nowhere to be found!
Dick Cheney: I was… busy.
George W. Bush: Yeah. And BRAVO with what you were “busy” with, by the way. People seemed to be really psyched about it.
Dick Cheney: If you are referring to our interrogation policies, Mr. President, I have no regrets.
George W. Bush: Yeah, well, here’s MY regret: that I didn’t have me a Vice-President like Joe Biden. I mean, look at those two — going out for burgers… [ he chuckles ] laughing it up. I need THAT kind of V.P., the kind that did dumb stuff to make me look smarter! Instead, I got the one guy that scares me more than my dad!
Dick Cheney: We, uh… we had a different chemistry, sir.
George W. Bush: Yeah. The chemistry of acid in the face! Dick, it’s over! We need to move on!
Dick Cheney: We have a legacy to protect. What would you have me do, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: Just STICK to our plan: Lets let history be the judge, okay? Its an awesome plan, because history takes FOREVER!
Dick Cheney: There are things I think the American people need to know, sir.
George W. Bush: But I don’t want you to tell them those things, okay? Just like you probably wouldn’t want me to tell certain things. Like the time you were DEAD for three days.
Dick Cheney: Now, sir…
George W. Bush: No, no, no! “Now, sir,” nothing! You were straight up dead, okay? We were gonna bury you, but Colin Powell said, “Let’s give it one more day.” I mean, Colin’s the reason you’re here! So, I don’t like it when you, when you run him down!
Dick Cheney: Well, I would hate for the story about my, uh, unfortunate, uhhh…
George W. Bush: DEATH! The word is “death”.
Dick Cheney: …to go public.
George W. Bush: Okay. Good! Then, we’re in agreement. Okay? Yuo cool it with the world tour, and I’ll keep my mouth shut! By the way, they still only know about the one face shooting.
Dick Cheney: [ chuckling nervously ] Mr. President, uh…
George W. Bush: Im not scared of you, any more, Dick! Okay? Ive been watching a TON of Dr. Phil.
Dick Cheney: Very well, sir.
George W. Bush: Hey, I’m sorry to be a red ass about it.
Dick Cheney: I understand.
George W. Bush: If you ever want to Biden it up and get a burger with me — I’m game!
Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.
George W. Bush: Alright, I’ll see you later, Dick.
Dick Cheney: And, Mr. President, one last thing.
George W. Bush: Yeah?
Dick Cheney: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
May 16th, 2009 Will Ferrell Green Day None Tom Hanks Norm MacDonald Amy Poehler Maya Rudolph Anne Hathaway Artie Lange Elisabeth Moss Paul Rudd None
Cheney in MakeupSummary: Now that he’s out of office, former president George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) is no longer scared of Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond), and he wants some answers — now. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, George W. Bush. Transcript
Montage
Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell performs a dramatic piece. Transcript
Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-LawSummary: Rough-and-tumble Wade Blasingame (Will Ferrell) is in favor of suing dogs or making them pay otherwise for not following the laws of the human world. Note: Repeat from 00g.
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Ted Netters (Will Ferrell) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Casey Wilson, Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Denise (Kristen Wiig). Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk. Transcript
Celebrity JeopardySummary: Not only is Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) chagrined by the stupidity of Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig), Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) and the real Tom Hanks, but old foe Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) crashes the quiz show festivities as well. Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Kathie Lee Gifford, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds. Transcript
Inside the NBARecurring Characters: While covering the NBA, Charles Barkley’s (Kenan Thompson) eye is more focused upon the lower screen advertisement for new TNT comedy “Mark” (Will Ferrell). Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley. Transcript
Green Day performs “Know Your Enemy”First Performed: 94g. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Former co-anchor Amy Poehler appears to do another segment of “Really!?!” with Seth Meyers, this time on President Obama’s honorary degree. The late Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) offers his comments on Manny Ramirez. Recurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
Funeral RemembrancesSummary: A priest (Jason Sudeikis) is flummoxed by the interruptions made by family members during a solemn funeral service. Recurring Characters: Gail, Glenda Goodwin. Transcript
Goodnight, SaigonSummary: While conversing over drinks with his friends, Fritz (Will Ferrell) has an unexplained Vietnam flashback and breaks into song, despite being too young to have ever served his country in that war. Transcript
…..Seth Meyers Gov. David Patterson…..Fred Armisen Gov. Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader …..Chris Pine ….Zachary Quinto Audience Trekkies…..Kenan Thompson & Bobby Moynihan …..Leonard Nimoy
Announcer: Weekend Update with Seth Myers!
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories…..
[image: Air Force One above Liberty Island] Louis Caldero, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop…You don’t have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan – here’s a photo of Air Force On e over the pyramids – here it is in a crowded elevator – here it is on the red carpet with the space shuttle [the background changes accordingly each time] – and of course here it is in the popular children’s book, “Where’s Air Force One?” [the background takes on a “Where’s Waldo?” appearance]
Pope Benedict, on Friday, began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region’s peace process – and because it’s the Middle East, he traveled inside the official Popemobile Inside Another Popemobile.
[image: Ramirez at bat] ESPN has reported that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez’s suspension from basbeall was a fertility drug. How did a fertility drug make him a better baseball player? That’s not his bat.
In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, John Edwards’s wife Elizabeth said she has no idea if the former presidential candidate is the father of his mistress’s baby – though judging from this photo [an infant sporting Edwards’s trademark haircut], I’d say there’s a resemblence.
On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marraige after Gov. Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It’s the best news for gays in Maine since LL Bean introduced a line of assless duckwaders.
Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – before the wedding, the couple was registered at Craate & Baareyhl.
Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – the wedding video is already nominated for an Independent Spirit Award…oh there’s more –
Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – here’s their official celebrity couple nickname – “AAARAAA”.
New York Governor David Patter…Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – they wrote their own vowels.
Seth Meyers: New York Governor David Patterson has come under increased criticism, with a recent poll showing the 51% of New Yorkers would actually prefer to see disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer running things in Albany. Here now to comment – Governor David Patterson and former Governor Eliot Spitzer!
[Patterson, who is legally blind, badly overshoots the desk while wheeling in]
David Patterson: Marco!
Eliot Spitzer: Polo!
David Patterson: We’re just kidding, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Well, thank you both for coming. Now you both must’ve been, uh, surprised by the poll results…
David Patterson: Indeed – I haven’t scored that low since my driving exam…you know, Seth, it’s a little tough when people think you have worse judgement than a guy who didn’t wanna use a condom with a prostitute!
Eliot Spitzer: Hey, come on – it was fun! Good time!
David Patterson: By the way, not wearing a condom with a prostitute – that’s like driving in a convertible through New Jersey!….Because, the place is so polluted.
Seth Meyers: Well, uh, let’s cut out the Jersey stuff…
Eliot Spitzer: Believe me, if we could cut out Jersey, we would! You know, they won’t let you pump your own gas there? But it’s because most people in Jersey lack that skill set. In New Jersey, pumping gas is like performing brain surgery!
Seth Meyers: OK, OK – can we please get back to the poll?
David Patterson: That’s what he said! To a prostitute!
Eliot Spitzer: Nice one! Seriously, that poll must’ve been a pretty crazy phone call to get – “Hello”
David Patterson: “Yes?”
Eliot Spitzer: “Uh, who would you rather have as Governor – the prostitute guy or Mr. Disaster?”
David Patterson: “That’s a tough call to make since all options are terrible. It’s like judging a beauty contest in New Jersey!”
David Patterson: Now, Governor Sitzer, um, this poll is good news for you as you’re trying to re-enter public life.
Eliot Spitzer: Oh, yeah, I’ve been rebuilding my image. Plus, let’s remember, no charges were ever pressed against me – I’m a free man. I’m like the guy in “The Shawshank Redemption” , except I never had to tunnel behind a pin-up girl. Oh, wait – I did! Seriously, though, people are turning to me in this tough economic time. I was known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” –
David Patterson: Yes, and I was the deputy who they wouldn’t let have a gun!
Seth Meyers: Governor Patterson, your term hasn’t been all bad – I mean, you did get a good deal of supprt recently when you endorsed the legalization of gay marriage
David Patterson: Well, that’s true, Seth – I believe that marriage should be open to people of all sexual orientations…
Eliot Spitzer: I believe marriage should be OPEN! [picks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]
Seth Meyers: Republicans like Joe Scarborough have commented this week that this poll proves that it will be very easy for the Republicans to take Albany…
David Patterson: You think so, genius? I mean the only way I’m getting re-elected is if I save New York from a Cloverfield!
Eliot Spitzer: Maybe it’s one of those Sanjaya situations, where people vote for him because it’s funny!
Seth Meyers: Alright, Alright – so what do you think is in store for both of you?
David Patterson: We might go into entertainment, Seth..
Eliot Spitzer: Yeah, now we’re pitchin’ a detective show to Spike TV – It’s called “Horndog and Blurry”!
Seth Meyers: You both realize you’ve burned a lot of bridges out here…
David Patterson: Yes, Seth, we have burned a lot of bridges – now if we can only flood the tunnels, they’ll be no way to get to…New Jersey! [Spitzer againpicks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]
Seth Meyers: David Patterson and Eliot Spitzer, everybody!
Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the US by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs, and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles airport. Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a Blackberry.
“Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and In..[David Patterson emerges in front of the camera] OK…”Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry last week, using over 200 props to recreate the magical world of Hogwarts. The exhibit offers fans a chance to meet magical creatures like Buckbeat the Hyppogryph, Dobie the House Elf, and Barry the 47-Year-Old who is Required to Introduce Himself Under Megan’s Law.
A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins. What are the odds of that? Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.
A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln’s blood to see if the 16th President had a rare genetic disorder – which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death.
This week, Shenelle, who has been named the World’s Oldest Dog by Guiness World Records, turned 21 years old. Shenelle also holds the world record for Longest Time Playing Dead, so I’m just saying – maybe someone should check on Shenelle.
A man in Russia who underwent penis enlargement surgery returned to his doctors a month later, begging them to undo it, because he was too big, and no woman wanted to be with him – though it’s a little suspicious, because he just kept saying it really loud near the nurse’s station.
Seth Meyers: On Thursday, “Star Trek” opened in theaters nationwide with an ad campaign that promised, “This isn’t your father’s Star Trek”, a sentiment that upset some of the hard-core fanbase of the franchise. Here to address these fans – the stars of the film, Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. [loud cheers as Pine and Quinto enter]
Chris Pine: Thank you Seth! Zachary and I wanted to come out tonight and address the longtime fans of Star Trek –
Zachary Quinto: We understand that you’re concerned about the way we are handling your beloved franchise…[two Trekkies – one in a Starfleet uniform, the other a McCoy/Uhura t-shirt and false Vulcan ears – are shown in the audience, and the look on their faces suggest they’re skeptical to say the least]…but don’t worry, we’ve gone to great lengths to fit in with the established canon.
Chris Pine: Absolutely – all the Star Trek, uh, stardates correspond perfectly with the ones used in The Original Series and The Next Generation. (they don’t at all, but as a fan I have no problem with that, since the ones on the show made absolutely no sense)
Zachary Quinto: And our movie takes the time to explore the origins of the kohlinar ceremony, as it is connected to the fascinating Pon farr marriage ritual.
Chris Pine: And I swear – that the, uh, the transporters on this Enterprise utilize the, um, the hay-say (Heisenberg compensator) um – oh. God, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Zachary Quinto: Neither do I, but – you guys, seriously, please – you’ve got to stop harrassing us!
Seth Meyers: You’re getting harrassed?!
Chris Pine: Hm-um.
Zachary Quinto: Yeah, you have no idea how insane some of these fans are, Seth [the Trekkies in the audience do not take that comment well].
Chris Pine: Yeah. Yeah, I’m getting angry calls in the middle of the night, Seth. I mean, at least I think they’re angry, I can’t really understand them – they’re either speaking Vulcan or…Hebrew.
Zachary Quinto: And they keep vandalizing my mailbox – every morning I wake up and it’s filled up with decapitated action figures and empty inhaler canisters.
Chris Pine: And they’re tying notes to rocks, and throwing them against my windows – it’s scratching the glass!
Seth Meyers: The rock don’t…break through the windows?
Chris Pine: No – they’re…clearly not throwing them hard enough.
Seth Meyers: I guess I’m just surprised that you guys would be intimidated by Trekkies…
Zachary Quinto: Yeah, well, they can be pretty intimidating, Seth [he and Pine both point in their direction] – I mean, look [the two Trekkies give death stares to the actors]
Seth Meyers: Well maybe, a little intimidating, maybe…
Chris Pine: We…we just really hope they come out and see the movie, Seth.
Leonard Nimoy: [in the background] They will come. They will come…[the audience cheers his arrival, and the Trekkies’ mood changes instantly from fury to euphoria]…
Zachary Quinto: But, Leonard, what if the fans reject Chris and me as the new Kirk and Spock?
Leonard Nimoy: Gentlemen, I’ve spent years of my life among Trekkies, uh – Trekkers, and, they have been some of the greatest years of my life – and while it may take some time, I believe that soon they will find you, Chris, to be equal to the original Captain Kirk, and you, Zach, to be slightly less than equal to the original Spock [Nimoy – Quinto smiles at the joke], but ultimately OK.
Seth Meyers: OK. Um, do you think that they’re gonna like the film?
Leonard Nimoy: Well – to not like it…
Seth Meyers: Uh – I know what you’re gonna say. To not like it – would be illogical [quite pleased with himself, having beaten Mr. Spock himself to the logic-based punchline]
Leonard Nimoy: No – I was going to say…to not like it would make them dickheads.
[coming from their hero, the Trekkies heartily accept this suggestion]
Seth Meyers: The Star Trek cast everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers – good night!
[Meyers, Pine, Quinto and Nimoy all perform the Vulcan salute]
[Exterior of Target. Dissolve to store Interior. The Target Lady rings up a customer.]
Target Lady: Welcome to Target! Lets see (Passing the items over the scanner) Yard gloves tomato seeds fertilizer [Excitedly] Hey, Pat Sajack, Ill solve the puzzle! Gardening! [The Customer stares at her perplexedly.] Its gonna be $42.11.
Customer #1: Here you go. [Hands her a bill.]
Target Lady: [Excited] A Fifty!!! [Marks it with a highlighter to test it] And its legit!!! I get to put this under the tray! [She does]
Customer #1: Im sorry; Im in a hurry
Target Lady: Hey, uh you know what fertilizer is, right?
Customer #1: Excuse me?
Target Lady: Its part dirt and part feces. Its my job to let you know what youre buying, I just thought I should let you know, youre buying a big bag of feces.
Customer #1: …Thanks?
Target Lady: Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there they were gone but they left their feces bag! They must have forgotten it! I put it in my garden but it didnt help any of my plants, I think because it came from a person. [Customer looks disgusted] Im sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken!!!
[There is a cartoon sound effect of a bullet whizzing by. When the camera cuts back to a two shot the Customer is gone.]
Target Lady: Wow! I havent seen anything move this fast since I went to an illegal mouse race! That was a weird, weird night.
Peg: [offscreen] Did somebody say weird?
Target Lady: Peg!
[Peg, an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe and a neckbrace enters clutching her purse and a can of coconut juice.]
Peg: Hey, girlfriend!
Target Lady: Hey!
Peg: So, I strained my neck
Target Lady: Howd you do that, Girlfriend?
Peg: I was pushin a wash machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick, is that just not classic Peg?
[She chortles to herself silently, shoulders shaking from mirth. She will do this every time she says the words Classic Peg]
Target Lady: Classic Peg!
Peg: So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and fallin inside! I rolled all the way down the hill inside of it. I mean I was holdin on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole, can you believe it? Is that not just classic Peg?
Target Lady: So Classic!
Peg: So the next thing I know, Im peerin my head out of the machine, its eight in the morning and Im behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Claaaaaasic Peg!
Target Lady: So, what brings you to Target, miss Thaing?
Peg: Two words: Potato sticks and Carl Earl. I got a date tonight.
Target Lady: Yowsa!
Peg: Well, you know how I roll [She attempts to roll her head sideways hip-hop style.] I just ow. [She touches her neck brace gingerly.] Ill be right back.
[Peg exits. A second customer enters with a basket.]
Customer #2: Hi, can I pay for these?
[Peg returns]
Peg: I forgot my coconut water, just classic Peg! [She looks uncomfortably at the customer and leaves again.]
Target Lady: Look how long your hair is! I bet if you put it up in a bun itd look like you were wearing a hair-covered Kaiser roll! [Takes the Customers basket] Lets see..[Rings up items] Sunscreen nose plugs I wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli! [Picks up a package of childrens arm floaties] Whats this? Arm floaties?
Customer #2: Yeah, you blow them up with air, theyre for my son to help him swim. [The Target Lady suddenly leaves in the middle of her sentence.] Hey, where are you going?
[A Third customer enters]
Customer #3: Excuse me, is this register open?
Customer #2: Yeah, I guess, but the lady just took off.
Customer #3: Is it a white lady with a haircut that looks like shes got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stop?
Customer #2: Yeah.
Customer #3: Does she sound like her voice box is covered in egg?
Customer #2: Thats her.
Customer #3: Yep, I thought so. Im waiting in the other line.
[The Target Lady returns with a pack of arm floaties]
Target Lady: I found em! Im gonna blow these up and put em on my antique bean cans and fill em with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub!
[The two customers stare at her for a moment, flummoxed, and then silently leave to use another register. Peg returns.]
Target Lady: Peg! Youre back!
Peg: You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl. I was checkin my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band. I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and saw somethin crawlin on me. It was a Black Widow Spider!
Target Lady: Those are poisonous!
Peg: I know! So I flicked it on the ground and get this, it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean. So there I was, laughin with my comfort slacks around my ankles at the fish tanks at Target! Classic Peg! Then guess who runs into me? My Preacher from church! And guess what he said?
Target Lady: [Excitedly] That Heaven has a Target?!
Peg: [Confused]: No he didnt say that. [Laughs silently, sholders shaking.] Classic Peg!
Target Lady: Classic Peg to the Max!
Peg: [Holding up a pair of pink satin handcuffs] And look what else I found for my date tonight. Bam-chicka-wow-wow! [Dances a bit with the handcuffs]
Target Lady: Satin handcuffs, where are those?!!
Peg: Theyre with the bachelorette party stuff [Target Lady suddenly leaves again] I think it was aisle twelve [Her phone rings, a catchy polyphonic melody. Peg dances a bit and bobs her head to the song before taking out her rhinestoned phone and slowly answering it.] This Peg. Yes, I did call for a full body waxing except for the neck. Yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks. Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in twenty. Oops, I gotta go, my friends comin back!
[Target Lady returns with a pair of satin handcuffs]
Target Lady: Wham, bam, thank you Peg! Im gonna put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow parallel to one another!
Peg: Well, listen I gotta go, I gotta get to my waxin. My Barbara Bush is getting bigger by the minute. [Target Lady appears to be grossed out.] I call it that because well, its white, and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the nineties.
Target Lady: TMI, miss girl.
Peg: I was thinking about makin cabbage tacos for us tonight. Maybe I should pick up some air freshener.
Target Lady: How bout instead you get a scented candle?!! We have Vanilla, Lavender breeze, Peppermint, I think theres stress reliever in that, Lilac
[She continues talking and Peg begins dancing as the camera pulls back and the sketch fades out.]
Air Date:
