[ the “Dick in a Box” singers exit the Brooklyn Detention Center carrying their boxes, which they toss into a trash can ]
[ they begin to sing ]
Andy: Oh, dang.
Justin: What is it, dawg?
Andy: I forgot its Mothers Day
Justin: Didnt get a gift for her
Andy: Other plans got in the way Shell be so disappointed
Justin: Damn, I forgot it too
Andy: This could have been avoided
Both: What the hell are we gonna do?
Justin: My moms been so forlorn Ever since my daddy left
Andy: Cold
Justin: No one to hold her tight Life has put her to the test
Andy: I know just what you mean My moms been so sad and gray
Justin: Word
Andy: My dad cant satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away
Both: Hold up
Andy: You thinkin what Im thinkin?
Justin: Im thinkin Im thinkin too
Both: Slow up
Andy: What time is it, dawg?
Justin: Its time for a switcheroo
Both: We both love our moms, women with grown-women needs I say we break em off Show em how much they really mean Cause Im a motherlover Youre a motherlover We should f each others mothers
Justin: F each others moms Youve seen that place that you came out as a baby Aint no doubt that sh is crazy F each others moms
Both: Cause every Mothers Day needs a mothers night If doing it is wrong, I dont wanna be right Im callin on you, cause I cant do it myself To me youre like a brother, so be my motherlover
Andy: Im layin in the cut, waitin for your mom Clutchin on this lube and roses
Justin: I got my digital camera Im gonna make your mama do a million poses
Andy: They will be so surprised
Justin: We are so cool and thoughtful
Andy: Cant wait to pork your mom
Justin: Im gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle
Both: Sho nuff
Justin: My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile
Both: Straight up
Andy: Give it to my mom d-d-d-d-d-d-dy-style
Both: This the perfect plan For a perfect Mothers Day Theyll have to rename this one All Up Under the Covers Day Cause Im a motherlover Youre a motherlover We should f each others mothers Justin: F each others moms Ill push in that place Where you came out as a baby Aint no doubt that sh is crazy F each others moms
Andy: Break it down It would be my honor to be your new stepfather
Justin: It would be my honor to be your new stepfather
Andy: Ill let you do my mother Make me another brother And Im gonna do your mother Ill never use a rubber
Justin: Oh! Cause every Mothers Day needs a mothers night If doing it is wrong, I dont wanna be right Im callin on you, cause I cant do it myself To me youre like a brother, so be my motherlover They blessed us both with the gift of life She brought you in this world, so Imma sex her right This is the second-best idea that weve ever had The choice can be no other Be my motherlover.
Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”
…..Jessica Biel …..Ciara …..Justin Timberlake
Jessica Biel: Ladies and gentlemen — Ciara, with Justin Timberlake.
Ciara: [ singing ] “Your touch is so magic to me The strangest things can happen The way that you react to me I wanna do something you cant imagine Imagine if there was a million mes talking sexy to you like that You think you can handle, boy If I give you my squeeze and I need you to push it right back.
Baby, show me, show me Whats your favorite trick that you wanna use on me And Ill volunteer And Ill be flowing and going Till clothing disappears, aint nothing but shoes on me Oh, baby.
Ciara & Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “All night, show it, just you and the crowd Doing tricks you never seen And I bet that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic So let me drive my body around you I bet you know what I mean Cause you know that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic.”
Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “Everything aint what it seems I wave my hands and I got you And you feel so fly assisting me But now its my turn to watch you I aint gonna stop you if you wanna crowd my neck Talk sexy to me like that Just do what I taught you, girl When I give you my heat and I need you to push it right back.”
Ciara: [ singing ] “Baby, show me, show me Whats your favorite trick that you wanna use on me And Ill volunteer And Ill be flowing and going Till clothing disappears, aint nothing but shoes on me Oh, baby.”
Ciara with Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “All night, show it, just you and the crowd Doing tricks you never seen And I bet that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic So let me drive my body around you I bet you know what I mean Cause you know that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic.
Oh, this is the part where we fall in love Oh, lets slow it down so we fall in love But dont stop what youre doing to me.
All night, show it, just you and the crowd Doing tricks you never seen And I bet that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic So let me drive my body around you I bet you know what I mean Cause you know that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic.”
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: Thank you, thank you. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I can’t believe..I can’t believe I’m hosting for the third time because… The first time that I hosted, the whole thing was a blur —
Girl in Audience: I love you!
Justin Timberlake: I love you too. [ he continues ] I was terrified, it was quite awry, could not believe that it occurred. But now I’m back in Old 8H on familiar ground. Gonna make myself comfortable [sits in guys lap. This is awkward. (to guy: Say hi to America. Guy: Hello, America) ’cause I think I know my way around. I love this place!
Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Justin!Justin Timberlake: Hey, Jason. How are your parents, Dan and Cathy?
Jason Sudeikis: Oh, they’re good.
Justin Timberlake: Wasn’t it their anniversary yesterday?
Jason Sudeikis: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. But, they loved your flowers and note.
Justin Timberlake: Great! Well, it’s the least I could do. Good people!
Jason Sudeikis: Yeah, they are.
Justin Timberlake: I know my lines, I hit my marks, I got my blocking down. Tonight I will get the drill, I think I know my way around. Anything I can help with?
Bill Hader: I’m trying to explain to him [Chinese food delivery guy] that I can’t have anything with peanut sauce.
Justin Timberlake: Oh, let me help. (Justin says something to the delivery guy in Chinese. The guy responds in Chinese…they go back and forth for 5 seconds or so and they laugh at Justin’s joke). [To Bill] He says there’s no peanut sauce and then I made a dirty joke.
Bill Hader: Oh, thanks Justin.
Justin Timberlake: Yeah. [ to the camera ] Yes, I’m back at SNL in my favorite town. When I can lend a hand [scribbles “I think I know my way around” on cue card].. I think I know my way around.
Guy: You’re the man, Justin.Justin Timberlake: Hey man. I think I’m getting the hang of it thanks to this great cast. They’re sweet, they’re kind, they’re generous, and their talent kicks ass.
Kristen Wiig: I was supposed to look real sexy, but this dress does not feel right.
Justin Timberlake: May I make a small adjustment? [rips off some of Kristen’s dress] Now you’re ready for tonight.
Kristen Wiig: I lied. I lied about the looking sexy thing. I just wanted him to do that.
Fred Armisen: Yeah, no need to explain.
Casey Wilson: Yeah, got it.
Justin Timberlake: Since my last time, I traveled the world; I’ve grown leaps and bounds. But now I’m back where I belong, I think I know my way around.
[sits down with Lorne Michaels drinking wine and watching TV]
Justin Timberlake: It’s uh..It’s Justin.
Lorne Michaels: [nods] Justin.
Justin Timberlake: Third time here hosting, third time is a charm. Number three, you’d agree, put my all into it you can see. ‘Cause I practiced the fact is, this season’s fantastic, I’ve watched every host whether home or the road. From Affleck to Phelps, Franco to Rogen, Malkovich, Laurie, our friend Tracy Morgan. Rudd, Bradley Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris, McGraw, Zac Efron, the cute Anna Faris. Brolin, Hamm, Rosario Dawson, Baldwin, Martin, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! Anne Hathaway, Tina Fey, but now I’m here and I gotta say…….We’ve got a great show tonight. Ciara is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Mom #1…..Michaela Watkins Ben…..Bobby Moynihan Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis Mom #2…..Casey Wilson Son #2…..Bill Hader
[ open on Mom sitting on sofa, as Ben enters ]
Ben: Hey Mom.
Mom #1: Hey Ben. Guess who got arrested?
Ben: Who?
Mom #1: Kevin Summerland.
Ben: Who??
Mom #1: You know, Calvin Sonogram…
Ben: Oh, you mean Kiefer Sutherland?
Mom #1: Yes, thats it.
[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Moms. They love us and they take care of us, but one thing they cant do is remember celebrities names. Now, you dont have to waste hours a day trying to decipher which celebrity your mother is referring to with the new Mom Celebrity Translator. Simply enter the name as pronounced by your mother.
[ cut to Mom #2 and her son in his bedroom ]
Mom #2: Kite Carbinaw.
Spokesman V/O: Then enter whatever vague information your mother knows about this person.
Mom #2: Shes on TV, and shes crazy.
Spokesman V/O: And seconds later, youll have the translation.
Son #2: Ohhhhh! Kim Kardashian! Yeah, shes crazy.
[ cut to Mom #3 and Daughter in the kitchen ]
Mom #3: Honey, who do you think is cuter: Rabbi Renaldo or Champ Crawdaddy?
Daughter: [ typing this information ] Oh, you mean Ryan Reynolds or Chase Crawford. Yeah neither, I like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Mom #3: Who?
Spokesman V/O: It even works backwards.
Daughter: [ typing ] Sorry, Joe Geronimo.
Mom #3: I love Joe Geronimo. He was so good in Breakdance Fountain.
Spokesman: And the Mom Celebrity Translator even comes with audio playback so moms can hear the right pronunciation.
[ return to Mom #1 and Ben ]
Mom #1: Keith Ragu.
Translator: Ke-a-nu Reeves.
Ben: Ohhhhhh!
Mom #1: Thats what I said.
Spokesman: The Mom Celebrity Translator, look for it wherever mom products are sold. So…Ann Taylor.
Dancing Mascot…..Justin Timberlake Spokesperson…..Will Forte
FADE IN:
[ EXT. PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC DAY ]
A SPOKESPERSON, dressed as a five-pound barbell, hands out pamphlets.
Spokesperson: [singing] “It’s time to take some steps (Think its time to take some steps) Building up your small biceps Work out, right now right now At Lifters!”(speaking) Hey everybody! Forget plastic surgery – – get yourself across the street and check out the grand opening of Lifter Fitness! We got awesome machines, English-speaking trainers, and a crazy amount of Purell: so you wont get the swing flu. Youre gonna look so hot! Your friends are gonna think you got plastic surgery!
Dancing Mascot (V/O): Did somebody say plastic surgery!?
[ A DANCING MASCOT, dressed as a 34 DD breast implant, moves on in and sets down a small boombox. He hits the PLAY button. INSTRUMENTAL HIP-HOP music plays. ]
Dancing Mascot: [singing] Up one size now Ready to inject now I think I can get good look down I feel you creeping, And you think Im looking nasty Wanna draw with the blue magic Genie And give you a good ol round of plastic Snip that I got a big ol nose Tuck that I got some jelly rolls Nip that I got some fugly toes Just bring it on down to Plasticville! (speaking) Uh, look, no offense Barbell, but youre sort of trespassing.
Spokesperson: Hey! Its a sidewalk and this is America.
Dancing Mascot: Why dont you stand on your sidewalk over there?
Spokesperson: Because a dog lit a hot one and its making me sick.
Dancing Mascot: Well, this is my spot. I work here.
Spokesperson: Well, we all work. And Im about to work IT right now!
[ The spokesperson starts humming The Addams Family theme. ]
Spokesperson: You know, Im not gonna take on your sucky energy!
Dancing Mascot: Oh! Suck! That reminds me
[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY on the boombox. The instrumental music to Kelly Clarksons My Life Would Suck Without You comes on. ]
Dancing Mascot: [singing] Maybe you are stupid For looking at your thighs Maybe you were wrong For wearing pants too tight Because youre fat is calling me And for a small fee I would (I would) Like for to (Like for to) To suck it out of you. All you gotta do is bring in on down to Plasticville!
Spokesperson: Nice try, but you can call me The Bus, because Im about to take you to school! [singing] Mary had a big, old gut Big old, gut She had a big, old gut Mary had a big, old gut And now she joined Lifters And now she doesnt have one
[ A couple passes the spokesperson and they take a pamphlet. ]
Spokesperson: Only at Lifters – – Two for one membership!
Dancing Mascot: We got a two for one special, too!
[ The dancing mascot turns to the spokesperson. ]
Dancing Mascot: Check it, bo-y-y-y!
[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY. The instrumental music for Lady Gagas Just Dance comes on. ]
Dancing Mascot: [singing] Wish I could change my flat, old chest And make it bigger than the rest What? Implants! Dont want to be a cup B Implants! A discount if you pre-pay Implants!!
[ The dancing mascot moves his arms to mimic shouting then air plays scratching a record. The instrumental music changes to Lady Gagas Poker Face. ]
Dancing Mascot: We aint stopping now!
[ The dancing mascot busts-a-move or two. ]
Dancing Mascot: [singing] I get real hot Show him what I got Just change my Just change my Come on and change My mediocre face My mediocre face (My mediocre face) Bring it on down to Plasticville!
Spokesperson: You know what!? You type really chaffs my quads!
Dancing Mascot: Oh and what exactly is my type?
Spokesperson: Guys who think theyre cool beans on a sidewalk.
Dancing Mascot: Wow! Youre a bigger boob than me. Why dont you go find a bench press? To press, because Ive got business to drum up.
[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY on his boombox. The instrumental music for The Black Eyed Peas Boom Boom Pow begins. ]
Dancing Mascot: [singing] You want the big ones now The itty-bity ones are jacking your style Im going to improve your swagger And am gonna draw on you with a Sharpie Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs (Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs) Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs Saline will do it Do it Bring it on down to Plasticville!
Spokesperson: Hey guys! Do you wanna look plastic or fantastic!?
[ Another couple walks by and takes a pamphlet. ]
Spokesperson: Join Lifters!
Dancing Mascot: Knock it off, man.
[ The two begin shoving each other back and forth. ]
Spokesperson: No.
Dancing Mascot: Yes.
Spokesperson: No.
Dancing Mascot: Yes.
Spokesperson: No.
Dancing Mascot: No.
Spokesperson: Dont try to confuse me. U-oh, here comes the steroid side effects. Come on!
[ The spokesman lunges himself at the dancing mascot. He restrains himself after feeling the dancing mascots costume. ]
Spokesperson: You know what? This feels nice.
Dancing Mascot: Cushy? Isnt it?
Spokesperson: Yeah.
[ The dancing mascot examines the spokespersons nose. ]
Dancing Mascot: Did you know that one nostril is bigger than the other?
Spokesperson: Really?
Dancing Mascot: Yeah. Kinda looks like an electrical outlet.
Spokesperson: Maybe thats why Im not getting a good gym tan.
Dancing Mascot: Probably but we can fix that for you. For half-price – if you stay off our property.
Spokesperson: That would be nice. Do you ever do breast reductions on men?
Dancing Mascot: Why do you ask?
Spokesperson: No reason whatsoever.
Both: [singing] Bring it on down to Plasticville!
Immigrant #1…..Bobby Moynihan Immigrant #2…..Casey Wilson Immigrant #3…..Will Forte Immigrant #4…..Bill Hader Cornelius Timberlake…..Justin Timberlake Moyshe Samberg…..Andy Samberg
[ Open on black and white footage of a boat sailing next to Ellis Island words at bottom of screen read New York Harbor, 1883 ]
Immigrant #1: [with Irish accent] Oh look, Ellis Island! The new world is upon us! I can smell it in me nose!
Immigrant #2: Just think of it, a chance to start a new life for our children.
Immigrant #3: And our childrens children.
Immigrant #4: Why, someday I hope that me own great, great grandson might own his own land.
Immigrant #2: I hope my great, great grandson will be a doctor.
Immigrant #1: What about you, Cornelius Timberlake? What do you think your great, great grandson will be like?
Cornelius Timberlake: Well, I know hell be very handsome. And hell be a millionaire.
Immigrant #1: A millionaire? From fur trapping?
Immigrant #4: From coal?
Cornelius: No, from popular songs.
Immigrant #3: What sort of songs could make a man millions?
Cornelius: Oh I dont know. Something like [singing] “cry me a river.”
Immigrant #3: So… hell be a girl?
Cornelius: NO, thats a perfectly normal way for a man to sing! Hell be world famous by the age of 16.
Immigrant #2: Oh, by 16? How?
Cornelius: At a young age, hell go to work with a band of boys.
Immigrant #4: Like a sweatshop?
Cornelius: Sort of. Sort of like a sweatshop. Then I imagine hell branch out on his own. Growing more and more handsome every day. Hell strut about in tiny vests, thin ties, and outdated hats.
Immigrant #2: Oh that will look dreadful!
Cornelius: No, on him it will work!
Immigrant #4: That will probably frustrate huggar maiden.
Cornelius: Aye. Twill. I actually dream of a day when my great, great grandson will… bring sexy back.
Immigrant #1: Bring-bring sexy back, what does that mean?
Cornelius: Itll be gone and hell bring it back!
Immigrant #3: Where did it go?
Cornelius: Just trust me, people will be on board. Okay?
Immigrant #2: Well it sounds like hell have his pick of the ladies.
Cornelius: Aye. Indeed. Id like to think that at first, hell date a popular female singer. Publicly, they claim to be virgins but, privately, he hit it.
[audience screams with laughter as Justin glances around, raises his eyebrows, closes his eyes and shakes his head]
Then-then, hell make love with women so beautiful and so often, that it wont be enough for him, and hell, I dont know maybe try some stuff with guys. I mean hell be straight! But, uh, well, never mind, forget that part, everything else will come true but forget that part. His life is going to be a nonstop orgy of fame and money. Hell sing! Hell dance! Hell act! Hell even make surprise appearances on a Saturday night comedy show! There will be great excitement. And then hell appear. Again and again. Many times a year.
Immigrant #1: Wont that lessen the excitement, though?
Cornelius: Nooo!!!! No!! Right? Itll be good, right?
[a Jewish-looking man walks in]
Moyshe Samberg: [with Jewish accent] Ohhhh, it will be good!
[audience cheers]
Cornelius: Who are you?
Moyshe Samberg: My name is Moyshe Samberg. Your prediction has inspired me. Maybe someday my great, great grandson will also make songs.
Immigrant #2: Well, do you think hell have a beautiful voice?
Moyshe Samberg: Ehhh, hell have a voice! A fine, workable voice, you know? Itll be more about charisma with him. And maybe, in this new land of opportunity, our grandsons will collaborate.
Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig Nouriel Roubini…..Fred Armisen Roland S. Martin…..Kenan Thompson
[FADE IN: Barry and Robin Gibb dancing in white leisure suits, backs to the audience, in front of a talk show set as the opening notes of “Nights on Broadway” play.]
Announcer: It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
[The logo appears briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, Barry strumming a white electric guitar.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are…”
Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”
Announcer: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”
Announcer: CNN commentator Roland S. Martin!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”
Announcer: NYU economics professor…
Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”
Announcer: Nouriel Roubini!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to…”
Announcer: And as always:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”
Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay…”
[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow, Talkin’ ’bout issues, Talkin’ ’bout real important issues. Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow, Checkin’ out politics, In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own! Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”
[The Gibbs boogie to their seats.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!
[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the audience cheers.]
Barry Gibb: [staccato voice] Goo’ e’ning, la’ies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I will not take any crap from anybody. Let’s get down to business.This week, Fed chairman Benjamin Bernanke said that the (falsetto) U.S. ECONOMAH (normal voice) will pick up later this year. Robin, do you have any thoughts?
Robin Gibb: [disinterestedly] No, no I don’t.
Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi, do you agree with chairman Bernanke’s rosy assessment of our (falsetto) FINANCIAL FUT-AH?
Nancy Pelosi: I do, Barry, but it’s also important that we discover the causes of our current situation, and the first step is the formation of an impartial investigatory committee.
Barry Gibb: (as Robin bows his head in disappointment) A committee?! That’s your answer to the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression?! Are you out of your mother-loving, dope-smoking (falsetto) HIPPIE MI-I-IND?!
Nancy Pelosi: No, I-
Barry Gibb: (screaming) DON’T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME ON MY SHOW! YOU HEAR ME BUG-EYES? (Barry leaps wildly out of his seat) I’M BARRY F-ING GIBB! (karate kicks the air to his right four times, then returns to his chair)
Barry and Robin Gibb: (singing and punctuating each word with a karate kick) HIII-YA! HIII-YA! (turn to each other) HI-YA!
Barry Gibb: Nouriel Roubini, you were one of the first people to predict this (falestto) CURRENT ECONOMIC CRISIS. (normal voice) I think that you’re a visionary genius.
Nouriel Roubini: Well, I don’t know about that.
Barry Gibb: Well, I do, and I think that you’re a genius.
Nouriel Roubini: Genius might be a little much.
Barry Gibb: Are you correcting me? On my own show?! You think I’m a child? Am I a baby with a pacifier in my mouth?
Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) GOO-GOO! GA-GA! GOO-GOO! WAA-WAA!
Barry Gibb: I have an opinion that’s IMPORTANT! I don’t know what passes for manners up in that faculty club with your framed degrees and (falsetto) LEATHER ELBOW PATCHES!
Nouriel Roubini: No, no, I didn’t mean to say
Barry Gibb: (screaming) I GOT A DEGREE FROM THE STREETS OF MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA! SO HELP ME GOD I HAVE A BUCKKNIFE IN MY SHOE I WILL SPLIT YOU OPEN LIKE A SOFT-SHELL CRAB AND WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!
Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) WEAR YOUR CARCASS LIKE A RAINCOAT!
Barry Gibb: Robin, do you have anything to add?
Robin Gibb: No, no I don’t.
Barry Gibb: Robin, please, just say something.
Robin Gibb: No.
Barry Gibb: Anything.
Robin Gibb: No.
Barry Gibb: Pretend no one’s here, no one’s watching.
Robin Gibb: No.
Barry Gibb: Robin, talk to your brother.
Robin Gibb: No.
Barry Gibb: (gets on his knees in the chair to be closer to Robin) Talk to Barry. (starts singing) Ple-e-e-ease talk to your brother And say what you want to say.
(Timberlake bows his head in an attempt to hide his laughter as the audience cheers)
Barry Gibb: Let’s introduce the next guest’s name.
Robin Gibb: Fine.
Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) Ro-o-oland S. Martin…CNN political consultant.
Roland S. Martin: Well, thank you, Barry and Robin. I want to say this is my favorite political forum on television, that is, of course, next to the program I am currently hosting, CNN’s “No Bias, No Bull.”
Barry Gibb: (exasperated) Did-did you just plug your show?
Robin Gibb: Don’t.
Barry Gibb: On MY show?
Robin Gibb: Don’t.
Barry Gibb: Robin, did he just plug his show?! On my-WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE, AN INFOMERCIAL? WHAT AM I, THE (falsetto) SHAMWOW GUY? (normal screaming voice) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, PALLY?! (rises from chair) I SANG A DUET WITH BARBRA STREISAND! DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM AUSTRALIAN! MY MIDDLE NAME IS CROMPTON! I AM BARRY GIBB! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INNARDS AND DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH THEM! (starts singing and clapping rhythmically) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…
(audience begins clapping along)
Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH JUMP ROPE WITH YOUR INNARDS…
(The Gibbs continue singing that phrase as they get up from their seats and pretend to double dutch jump rope in front of the table on set, with Robin then Barry leaping through the imaginary jump ropes. Finally, after singing “Double Dutch…” five more times, the brothers close with…)
Barry and Robin Gibb: (harmonizing) DOUBLE DUTCH! DOUBLE DUTCH! DOUBLE DUTCH! DOUBLE DUTCH!
(The brothers return to their seats to wild cheers and applause. Barry demonstrates a karate block while seated.)
Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “We… have… been–”
Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing to the tune of “Nights on Broadway,” slightly before the beat] Talkin’ it up,
[Timberlake and Fallon realize their mistake and quickly get back in sync with the background music]
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow, Talkin’ ’bout chest hair
[audience member “woo!”s]
Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions! Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow, Checkin’ out politics, In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own! Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
[the brothers continue mugging for the camera to thunderous cheers and applause]
A Special Address from the Secretary of the Treasury
Timothy Geithner…..Will Forte
[ open on Department of Treasury Seal ]
Announcer: The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury.
[ dissolve to Timothy Geithner, seated behind desk ]
Timothy Geithner: Good evening. I’m Timothy Geithner, the Secretary of the Treasury. Earlier this week, I reported to you the results of the so-called “stress tests” my department ran on the nation’s nineteen largest banks. This was an effort to determine each bank’s fiscal soundness, following last September’s $700 billion federal bailout. Tonight, I would like to reveal to you, the American people, the results of Part 2 of the Stress Test, the written exam, taken by all nineteen bank CEOS last Saturday.
[ reveal Stress Test cover page graphic ]
Initially, my department had planned to give each bank a numerical grade of 1 to 100 — 100 being a perfect score. But then we decided that might unfairly stigmatize banks who scored low on the test because they followed reckless lending practices or were otherwise not good at banking. So we changed to a simple “PASS/FAIL” system. However, on reflection, a few of us felt that THAT system was too rigid, so we changed it once again to “PASS/PASS*”. This seemed less judgmental and more inclusive. Eventually, at the banks’ suggestion, we dropped the asterisk and went with a “PASS/PASS” system. Tonight, I am proud to say that, after the written tests were examined, every one of the nineteen banks scored a “PASS”! Congratulations, banks!
But that’s no reason to just rest on our laurels. There’s always room for improvement. NONE of the bank answered all fifty questions correctly, and most got less than half right. One bank in particular — CitiGroup — seemed to think the whole thing was just a big joke.
[ reveal test sheet with repeated answers of “Geithner Sucks!” written on it ]
Shame on you, CitiGroup! And this is a serious matter. I was DEEPLY disappointed with CitiGroup’s attitude towards this entire project. And, frankly, if CitiGroup weren’t too big to fail, I would have failed them. That’s how DISGUSTED I was. But apart from CitiGroup — who are a bunch of smart ass punks — the other banks at least took the test seriously. And since we can all learn from our mistakes, I thought we’d take a moment to look at the most commonly missed questions:
[ reveal test sheets throughout ]
#11: “For every ten million in commercial loans outstanding, a bank should have…”
The answer were were looking for was “10% Cash On Hand.” J.P. Morgan Chase wrote: “Knicks Tickets.” Wells Fargo wrote: “Gulfstream Jet.” And CitiGroup, of course, wrote: “Geithner Sucks!” Grow up, CitiBank.
Question 23 also stumped several banks: “If Federal Bank Examiners determine your bank to be under-capitalized, the Bank’s Board of Directors should…”
Goldman Saks wrote: “Flee the Country.” State Street of Boston said: “Shred Documents.” And Capitol One said: “Eliminate Eyewitnesses.” Actually, none of these is correct. The correct answer is: “Issue Common Stock.”
Now, Question 30, which most banks got wrong, really has no one correct answer since it would vary with each bank. We asked: “In the event of a nationwide run on the banks, how much in total cash assets does your bank have on hand to pay depositors?…”
Bank of America wrote: “Not enough, that’s for sure!!!” CitiGroup said: “Geithner Sucks!” And GMAC answered: “TaxPayer Bailout.” As you’ll notice, that last answer doesn’t make sense, and that’s because GMAC apparently answered “TaxPayer Bailout” to every one of the fifty questions. Although, that did turn out to be the right answer to thirty of them.
Question 41 tripped up a few banks: “Given their historic underrepresentation in banking, women should be encouraged to enter the field, as long as they are…”
Obviously, we were looking for “Qualified.” Morgan Stanley wrote: “Doable.” Bank of New York Mellon said: “Immediate Family Members.” And CitiGroup wrote: “Hey Geithner, WE’VE got a job for your MOTHER!!” Now, I don’t know if they’re serious about that job or not, but I think my mother would be really pumped.
Finally, what was the most difficult question? Apparently, this one from the Multiple Choice section:
“Banking executives should be given special financial bonuses for…” A) Good performance B) Mediocre performance C) Poor performance”
The correct answer is A. “Good Performance.” Surprisingly, A:: nineteen banks got this wrong. [ he shrugs ] Who knew?
Well, thank you for your kind attention. Together, we’ll get through this. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 21 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
May 9th, 2009 Justin Timberlake Ciara None Lorne Michaels Patricia Clarkson Susan Sarandon Jessica Biel Chris Pine Zachary Quinto Leonard Nimoy Jimmy Fallon None
A Special Address from the Secretary of the TreasurySummary: Timothy Geithner (Will Forte) outlines the results of a 50-question bank stress test. Recurring Characters: Timothy Geithner. Transcript
Montage
Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake performs a song-and-dance routine amongst cast members and show personnel backstage. First Hosted: 03b. Transcript
Mom Celebrity TranslatorSummary: A handheld electronic device that allows young’uns to decipher what well-known celebrity their unhip mothers are trying to describe to them. Transcript
Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) annoys customers while chatting with her equally-annoying friend Peg (Justin Timberlake). Recurring Characters: Target Lady. Transcript
ImmigrantsSummary: A group of Irish immigrants entering America dream of the opportunities their great-great grandchildren will have, except for Cornelius Timberlake (Justin Timberlake) who fancies that his great-great grandson will one day be a popular, self-satisfying, arrogant little prick. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortRecurring Characters: “Dick in a Box” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) give up their boxes so they can become “Mother (Patricia Clarkson, Susan Sarandon) Lovers”. Transcript
PlasticvilleSummary: A guy dressed as a barbell (Will Forte) faces competition from Plasticville’s boob mascot (Justin Timberlake). Recurring Characters: Mascot. Transcript
Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Magic”Lyrics
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Elliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) and David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto promote the new “Star Trek” movie, with a nod from Leonard Nimoy. Recurring Characters: Elliot Spitzer, David Paterson. Transcript
The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like last time. Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Nancy Pelosi. Transcript
Air Date:
