Dawn….Jenny Slate Beth….Kristen Wiig Donna….Megan Fox
[Opens with hard rock music in a room with the walls filled with license plates and a leather sofa]
[Biker Chick Chat logo]
Announcer: It’s Biker Chick Chat with Dawn.
[Dawn dances to the rock, she wears acid-wash jeans, black shirt, jacket vest, big sprayed hair]
Dawn: Welcome to Biker Chick Chat. I’m Dawn. I do me. This is my show. Either love it or change the frickin’ channel. Ok? I’d like to introduce my frickin’ co-host, my mom’s best friend. Please welcome, Beth.
[Beth is smoking, she nods, she has jean shorts, tank top, frizzy blond hair]
Dawn: Hey, Beth. What’d you do this weekend?
Beth: I frickin’ drank beer and made jean shorts.
Dawn: I frickin’ love you.
Beth: I frickin’ know. So, who’s your first guest?
Dawn: Are you frickin’ kidding me right now? It is who it always is, its my frickin’ best friend, Donna!
Beth: Get off my frickin’ back! I know its Donna. I was just trying to make an atmosphere.
Dawn: Then bust into a frickin’ Yankee Candle Store and get a frickin’ Bayberry candle.
Beth: You know what? [throws ashtray against the wall]
Dawn: You frickin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head. You know what? You stood up for yourself and I fuckin’ love you for that.
[Jenny puffs her cheeks once she realizes she said “fuckin'” instead of “frickin'”]
Beth: [cigarette dangling from her lip] You’re in my heart, babe. You’re in my heart.
Dawn: All right. I swear to God, I’ll do anything for my first guest. One time the mom of the ex-girlfriend of my current boyfriend at the time frickin’ came over to my frickin’ family house and tried to throw one of those frickin’ tray loads of burning hot ass jalapenos peppers in my face. Donna threw a jacket over my face, how many times do I have to frickin say this? She saved my frickin’ face! For cryin’ out loud! Give it the freak up for Donna.
[Donna comes out with a big plaster on her leg]
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: Im alright.
Dawn: Ok.
Donna: I will. And if you don’t like it, don’t have me on your friggin show.
Dawn: I frickin’ love you. I see you got some new plaster.
Donna: Yeah, I frickin fell off a dirt bike in a dirt bike store.
Dawn: How’d that happened?
Donna: You just frickin’ fall down and the next thing you know your face is on the frickin’ floor and that beautiful bike is sleeping on top of you.
Beth: You know, the frays from my frickin’ jean shorts got twirled up in my frickin’ spokes on my boyfriend’s dirt bike once. He drove off and it ripped these ladies off, leaving my girl buck nude and by girl I mean my frickin’ front bum. This. [points at her crotch] Ya know what? [throws another ashtray against the wall]
Donna: One time I flipped over the frickin’ handle bars in my dirt bike and you know what I frickin’ got on my front bum? A grass stain.
Dawn: That’s why I frickin’ love both of you. My frickin’ best friend Donna and my frickin’ mom’s best friend Beth.
[Beth smashes another ashtray on the floor]
Donna: You know what? You know what? We are having a major friggin moment right now. And I wish we were all on a frickin’ dirt bike.
Dawn: All right, Donna. I know why you’re here. Ya got a grievance you want to air the freak out of.
Donna: Truth. My boyfriend bought a frickin’ gorgeous above ground pool. We frickin’ loved the frig out of it. It was frickin’ paradise. Then one day we were floating the frig around in there and the frickin’ walls fell outward. I mean, the fool [correcting herself] the pool became a frickin’ flat circle. Then we rode a frickin’ weird ass wave all the way down to the interstate and ended up in a frickin’ parking lot at a frickin’ Friendly’s. It was a frickin’ heartbreak.
Dawn: That’s frickin’ biblical. You know about my frickin’ above ground pool. I frickin’ tried to jump the frickin’ pool on my dirt bike. But that wasn’t the disaster, the disaster was that my dad’s girlfriend was in there with her frickin’ mom. My dad’s girlfriend was on “Rock of Love”. She’s my frickin’ hero… so frickin’ embarrassed.
Beth: A bird died in my stand-up pool filter system. I didn’t know it was frickin’ dead so I was swimming around in frickin’ dead bird broth for almost two frickin’ months! You know what?! [smashes another ashtray against the floor]
Dawn: Beth, that’s frickin’ disgusting. Next week, Donna is gonna help me pick out a frickin mini-fridge. On behalf of me, my frickin best friend Donna and my mom’s frickin best friend Beth, you just do you and we’re gonna be fine. I frickin’ love you.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 26th, 2009 Megan Fox U2 None Brian Austin Green John Lutz Emily Spivey
United Nations General AssemblySummary: Moammar Gadhafi (Fred Armisen) addresses the United Nations General Assembly to give excuses for his earlier speech. Transcript
Montage
Megan Fox’s MonologueSummary: Megan Fox comments on the obviously fake online nude photos of herself that she was unaware she had posed for. Transcript
BladdivanSummary: The pill that helps men combat Shy Bladder Syndrome. Transcript
Flight AttendantsSummary: Flight attendants (Kristen Wiig, Megan Fox) are unnaturally upbeat and bubbly while announcing devastating news from the cabin. Transcript
Russian BridesSummary: Mr. Colon (Will Forte) can’t decide whether to choose attractive Russian bride (Megan Fox) or hulky, mannish Russian bride (Fred Armisen) with lesser qualities for ten dollars cheaper. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A socially-awkward man (Will Forte) impresses Megan Fox on a date, but rejects her anyway. Transcript
Grady Wilson’s Burning up the BedsheetsSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques to help burn up the bedsheets. Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.
U2 performs “Breathe”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the G20 Summit. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) speeds through her commentary and presents a hand-drawn chart. Recurring Characters: Jean K. Jean, Judy Grimes. Transcript
Live LoungeSummary: Crystal (Megan Fox) touts the Live Lounge phone-chat line and the throng of other weirdo social types who use it. Transcript
U2 performs “Moment of Surrender”
Biker Chick ChatSummary: Dawn (Jenny Slate) hosts a freakin’ talk show for freakin’ biker chicks. Note: Jenny Slate accidentally says “fuckin'” in her sketch debut. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: When he comes over to her apartment for a movie date, Andy Samberg meets “Megan’s Roommate”, the bitterly jealous Optimus Prime (Bobby Moynihan). Transcript
Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Get ReadySummary: Megan Fox chats with her friend’s mom (Kristen Wiig) over laundry. Transcript
Goodnights / U2 performs “Ultraviolet (Light My Way)”Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Mostly GarbageSummary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal. Note: This filmed parody will appear in next week’s episode hosted by Ryan Reynolds.
Last RitesSummary: Dying man’s (Bill Hader) body makes funny noises after he passes.
Crotch RocketsSummary: Actress (Megan Fox) keeps slapping co-star (Andy Samberg) during a scene.
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returns early for its thirty-fourth season, raring to make up for time lost during last season’s Writer’s Strike with a string of performances that include an Election year special and mini-broadcasts on Thursday nights. Assisting in the election year humor were frequent guest appearances by former cast members Tina Fey and Will Ferrell as Republican running mate Gov. Sarah Palin and soon-to-be ex-President George W. Bush. The real Palin would also make a guest appearance as herself, as would Sen. John McCain in a separate episode. Cast member Amy Poehler went on temporary hiatus due to maternity leave, and then left “SNL” altogether midseason to star in her own prime-time sitcom, “Parks and Recreation”, by the Spring. For the first time since Colin Quinn hlemed the anchorman chair, “Weekend Update” would return to its roots as a solo anchor gig, now performed exclusively by long-time cast member and current Head Writer Seth Meyers. Although it has yet to be stated officially, speculation is that Darrell Hammond has finally retired from “SNL”‘s cast after a record-breaking fourteen seasons.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers …..Fred Armisen Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson …..Andy Samberg Lunch Man…..Fred Armisen Basketball Man…..Jason Sudeikis Woman…..Casey Wilson Black Man…..Kenan Thompson Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
While campaigning for Barack Obama this week, Hillary Clinton said that the Democrats have a new slogan: “Jobs, baby, jobs”. While Bill Clinton is sticking with his slogan: “Please, baby, please.”
The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to U.S. ports. “Thanks for the heads up,” said terrorists.
Seth Meyers: In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that, when the media criticizes her children, “the mama grizzly in me comes out, and makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.” Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin only moments before she shot it from a helicopter.
India, on Tuesday, launched its first unmanned moon mission. Not to be outdone, Afghanistan let a boy fly a kite.
Amy Poehler: Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber”, said, this week, that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though, unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.
Seth Meyers: With the Presidential election only twelve days away, here is our own Fred Armisen, to show us how things are shaping up in voting districts all around the country. He’ll be using our new Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map.
[ cut to Fred Armisen across the stage, standing in front of the giant touch screen ]
Fred Armisen: Thank you! Thank you, Seth and Amy! Okay, let’s get right to the Mega Map! [ he taps “Primary Map” button, as a map of the United States scrolls onto the screen ] Great. Okay, one thing we’re gonna look at — we’re gonna want to look at Pennsylvania. Let’s look at that. [ he taps the state of Pennsylvania, which turns blue and zooms inward on county districts ] Let’s look at Harrisburg — get in really close to that. [ he zooms in on Harrisburg ] Fantastic! Let’s go back a little bit… [ he taps the screen to zoom back outward ] Back a little bit more… back a little bit more.
And… let’s go over to Idaho. [ he taps Idaho and zooms inward ] Let’s take a look at that. Let’s take a really close look at it — really, really close! Really, really close! [ he zooms into Custer County ] Excellent! Let’s go back to the map. [ he zooms back to the full country outline ]
Now, the country can be moved up and down, like so… [ he tocuhes the center of the map and sways the country up and down ] Also, don’t forget, you can also shrink it, and you can put it in your pocket, if you need to. [ he shrinks the country and scrolls it toward himself ]
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Electoral Map” button, as a multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, let’s look at some of the states here. Remember: you can always change some of the colors. [ he taps various states and changes the colors ] You’ve got blue… blue again… a little bit of a red… red over there… a little bit of blue. [ he touches a color palette on the side of the screen and begins to draw in green on the middle of the map ] And, if you want make something out of green, we’ve got… a little face here, some whiskers… you can make a cat! [ a green cat face is revealed ] A lovely triangle nose, in that.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Primary Map” button, as the blue map re-appears ]
Okay, let’s go back to the other map. Excellent! Okay, let’s lookat Ohio… [ he taps Ohio and zooms into an aeriel shot of the counties ] Let’s look really close. Let’s look at Cleveland — the Cleveland area. Let’s get in really close. Really, really close… move it over. [ inward zoom of aeriel shot of a section of Cleveland ] You can see the top of a warehouse. We’re really gonna want to look at that — very, very important. We’re gonna want to look at that warehouse.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Game Board” button, as another multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, now let’s take a look at Oregan. Let’s move it out into the ocean. [ he touches Oregan and pulls it apart from the rest of the map ] It’s gonna be — its gonna be surrounded by water. That’s very, very dangerous. [ he taps Minnesota ] Let’s take Minnesota… let’s put it right over Virginia. [ he pulls Minnesota over Virginia ] Minnesota’s very heavy — imagine the sheer weight of it. Uh — here’s New York right there. [ he taps New York ] New York was there in 2004, as well. And we can shake it around like that. [ he moves New York back and forth ]
Seth Meyers: Sorry. Uh, Fred — what are you showing us, exactly? It seems like you just got this thing, and, you know, just want to play around with it.
Fred Armisen: [ he laughs ] Actually, what I’m doing is very important and informational.
Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s a really expensive piece of equipment, Fred, and I kind of feel like you’re wasting our time.
Fred Armisen: Right. Okay, where are you from, exactly?
Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire.
Fred Armisen: New Hampshire? What a pretty state. [ he taps New Hampshire ] Wouldn’t it be a drag if we pulled it over… to Mexico? [ he pulls New Hampshire past Texas, then mocks Seth with a Mexican accent ]
Amy Poehler: Okay, Fred. Come on, stop goofing around.
Fred Armisen: Ohhh… [ his time threatened, Fred slaps both hands upon the map spreads all the states around ]
Amy Poehler: Hey! Don’t do that!
Seth Meyers: Come on, Fred! Put those states back where they belong!
Fred Armisen: Check out Michigan — I can make it BOUNCE! [ he taps Michigan and flicks it to the bottom of the screen ]
Seth Meyers: Very good.
Amy Poehler: Fred Armisen, everybody! That’s a high-end piece of equipment.
The biological father of Madonna’s adopted son said his boy might be “better off” with him in Malawi, now that she and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Said the son, “Nope, I’m good,” and continued on his way to baby yoga class.
Election officials in Chicago’s northern suburbs are trying to find out why voter registration was sent to “Princess Noodleman”, a goldfish. Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she has the world’s most awesome goldfish name?
Seth Meyers: The Stock Market tumbled yet again yesterday, increasing fears that the global economy is already in a recession. Here to comment, once again, is “Weekend Update”‘s very own financial consultant, Oscar Rogers.
Oscar Rogers: [ breathless ] Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth and Amy.
Seth Meyers: Um — okay, Oscar. Last week, the Stock Market wasup nearly 500 points, and yesterday it was down more than 400 points. Do you see any hints that this roller coaster ride will be ending any time soon?
Oscar Rogers: Very good analogy, Seth! The Market is very close like a — it’s VERY much like a roller coaster ride, and I do believe it is about to end! But, before we get off, we will come to find that our digital cameras have fallen out of our shirt pocket, our brand new Ray-bans have flown off our head, and we are about to finiancially BARF on ourselves!!
Seth Meyers: Well, so what do we do?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s actually very simple: somebody needs to get on top of the situation, and FIX IT!! Seth, I haven’t slept in two weeks! Somebody needs to look at this mess, and FIX IT!! Tomorrow morning, when I have my bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios, the morning paper better read: “IT’S BEEN FIXED!!”
Seth Meyers: So, what exactly should be done?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s not rocket science, Seth. It’s a simple three-step process. Step 1: FIX! Step 2: IT! Step 3: FIX IT!! Then, repeat Steps 1 to 3 until it’s all FIXED!!
Seth Meyers: This is a lot of the same advince you gave last time.
Oscar Rogers: That’s true, Seth. Very similar. But, let me ask you: has it been FIXED?!
Seth Meyers: [ meekly ] I guess not.
Oscar Rogers: What do you think — what do you think they need to do, Seth?
Seth Meyers: I guess, fix —
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!!!
Seth Meyers: How do we begin to fix…
Oscar Rogers: By FIXING IT!!
Seth Meyers: Who’s gonna fix it?
Oscar Rogers: THEY are!! THEY gonna FIX IT, because THEY BROKE IT!!! FIXITFIXIT!!! TO-DAY!!
Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone. We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!
[ fade to commercial, then return to the newsdesk ]
Amy Poehler: Thank you! And welcome back!
Seth Meyers: Japanese climbers returning from a mountain in western Nepal, said on Tuesday that they had found footprints they think belonged to the abominable snowman, but turned out to be the footprints of a non-Japanese person.
The first commercial cell phone call in the U.S. was made twenty-five years ago this week, by Bob Barnett, on a phone that cost almost $4,000 and weighed twenty-eight ounces. We have a recording of that historic 1983 call.
[ cut to on-screen text ]
Female Voice: Hello?
Male Voice: Honey, guess what? I’m calling from the car on this new portable cell phone that I just bought!
Female Voice: That sounds neat. Oh, I got your parachute pants back from the dry cleaners.
Male Voice: Did they get the “Bartles & James” stain out?
Female Voice: Yes. Hey, only eight months until the “Ghostbusters” movie!
Male Voice: Total Pac-man Fever.
Female Voice: What? Can’t hear you.
Male Voice: Sorry, I’m cranking Quarterflash on the radio.
Female Voice: Oh my God, they’re the best and they will always be the best. By the way, how much did that phone cost?
Male Voice: $4,000.
Female Voice: What?!
Male Voice: Honey, I can’t hear you. You’re cutting out.
Female Voice: Cutting out? what does cutting out mean?
[ cut back to Amy and Seth at the news desk ]
Amy Poehler: Should we tell them?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, let’s tell them.
Together: That was US!!
Seth Meyers: Those were our voices!
A school in New York City is offering a class called “The Art of Charm”, which is a $3500 dollar, one-week program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Because if anyone’s knee-deep in tail, it’s the guy who teaches at the Learning Annex.
There is growing trend among some parents toward home-schooling children, because they believe that mandated vaccinations for public schools are unsafe. This is expected to lead to another new trend: dying of polio.
As we saw in the 2000 election, every vote counts. And, with this election, more than ever, the outcome will be decided by new voters. Our youth reproter, Andy Samberg, filed this report.
[ cut to Andy Samberg on tape, standing within the city ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, America! Andy Samberg here. As we all know, we’re coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, but what you might be surprised to know is that there’s still TONS of Americans who still aren’t registered to vote. So we’re going to hit the streets and see if we can’t teach people a thing or two about the importance of voting.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a man eating lunch at an outdoor table ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Lunch Man: No.
Andy Samberg: May I ask why not?
Lunch Man: I just don’t see the point.
Andy Samberg: Fair enough, But, what if I told you that for the next four years, you could eat only that hot dog or only those french fries?
Lunch Man: Oh. The, uh —
Andy Samberg: Too late! [ he grabs the man’s hot dog ] The decision’s been made FOR you, and now you’re stuck with french fries for the next four years.
Lunch Man: Wow! I never thought of it that way. I think I will vote.
Andy Samberg: That’s what I thought. [ he bites into the hot dog ]
Lunch Man: Oh, careful. Spicy hot link.
Andy Samberg: I think I can handle it!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a man standing at a car holding a basketball ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Basketball Man: Uh, no — no, I’m not.
Andy Samberg: Well, let me ask you this: which would you prefer to keep, your car or your house?
[ suddenly, Andy begins to gag from the hot dog ]
Basketball Man: You all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. I ate a spicy hot dog earlier, I’m fine.
Basketball Man: Uh — I guess, if I had to choose one, I’d choose my house.
Andy Samberg: Too late! The decision’s been made for you! [ he holds up the man’s car keys, then begins to choke ]
Basketball Man: Are you sure you’re all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah… I’m fine.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a woman on the street ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, ma’am, are you registered to vote?
Woman: Uhh – no, I’m not.
[ suddenly, Andy vomits into the street ]
Woman: Oh, my God!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy interviewing a black man ]
Andy Samberg: So, see, if you don’t choose, someone else will choose for you.
Black Man: Well, I guess you have a point. I never relaly thought about that, I —
[ suddenly, Andy vomits across the black man’s shirt ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy approaching a hardcore black man on the street, then quickly turning away as his mouth begins to twitch and vomits instead on his boom mike man ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ the boom mike man vomits as well ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ cut to Andy sitting along a bench ]
Andy Samberg: Can I have some food? I need to put something in my stomach, like crackers or bread or something? [ he’s handed another spicy hot dog ] Thank you. [ he begins to eat the hot dog, then twitches ] It’s a hot dog! [ he vomits the piece of hot dog he chewed on ]
[ cut to Andy running toward a garbage can and vomiting into it ]
[ cut to andy comiting alongside a bus ]
[ cut to Andy vomiting down his own shirt ]
[ to a passerby ] Are you registered to vote?
[ cut to Andy chasing after a second woman ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, Ma’am? Are you registered to vote?
Second Woman: You smell like puke.
Andy Samberg: Will you please talk to me? I’m trying to help register voters before the election.
Second Woman: The deadline for that was, like, two weeks ago.
Andy Samberg: It was..?
Second Woman: Yeah! [ she quickly walks away ]
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ]
[ dissolve back to the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: Thank you, Andy.
Amy Poehler: That was a very intelligent, insightful report. Very insightful!
Two British women who were lifelong friends, were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters. And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.
According to secret files made public Monday, two U.S. fighter planes in 1957 were ordered to shoot down a UFO over the English countryside, but the object flew away. Another narrow escape for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Seth Meyers: A cat, named Platina Luna Blade Runner, was the winner of this year’s Best of the Best Award at the Cat Fancy Championship at Madison Square Garden. Though, I wonder if he would have won if they had used his full name: Platina Luna Hussein Blade Runner.
Officials at a small zoo in Texas are searching for a 6-foot tall camel named Moses and his pint-sized pony sidekick, Coco, who wandered away from the facility. “They went thataway,” said a man and his friend who looked nothing at all like a camel and pony in disguise.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. We’ll be right back.
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Aide…..Will Forte Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in the Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized, and display much characterization. And, yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it! [ he laughs ] But, before I leave, I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain, by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time, heavily-publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are awake!
Now, I tried to do this several months ago, but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now, with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…
[ an aide leans in and whispers in Bush’s ear ]
President George W. Bush: What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me that, Jeff?
[ the aide shrugs and exits ]
President George W. Bush: I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me, uh — four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone, so… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.
[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters the Oval Office, smiles and waves to the audience, shakes Bush’s hand, then sits against the front of the desk with him ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.
President George W. Bush: Thank you. Where’s, uh — where’s McRage?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours, talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’! But, unfortunately, Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband, Todd, and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.
President George W. Bush: Well, we’ll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Yeah, we are gonna get ‘er done!
President George W. Bush: [ impressed ] My God, you are folksy!
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you, Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy, and a little dash of high school bitchy. [ she gives a wink and a smile ]
President George W. Bush: For a little while, I was trying to be folksy, but, after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President.
[ to the camera ] As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens, and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…
Gov. Sarah Palin: Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, um, I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.
President George W. Bush: Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day.
[ suddenly, Todd Palin enters with John McCain at his side ]
Todd Palin: Well, we out-mavericked the Maverick!
[ Todd pushes McCain towards Sarah Palin and Bush, then exits the Oval Office ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.
President George W. Bush: Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Hey, let’s get a photo of this; this’ll really help your campaign out. [ he grabs McCain’s hand and holds it just above Palin’s legs ] Now, let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…
[ McCain tries to drift out of frame, but is pulled back by Bush ]
President George W. Bush: John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. [ to McCain ] You’re welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years.
Gov. Sarah Palin: The next sixteen years! [ she holds up crossed fingers ]
President George W. Bush: [ to an off-camera photographer ] Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. [ Palin performs a beauty pose ] But, most of all, I support them because… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Bonus Episode 3
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 23rd, 2008 None None None Will Ferrell Tina Fey None
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Despite Sen. John McCain’s (Darrell Hammond) efforts to avoid it, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) grants an official endorsement to him and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey). Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Gov. Sarah Palin, Todd Palin, Sen. John McCain. Transcript
Montage
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Fred Armisen demonstrates the cool technological prowess of the Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map. Finiancial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!” Andy Samberg “Jams the Vote” and vomits in his attempts to sway unregistered voters. Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers. Transcript
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Hello, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
Last night marked the third and final debate between Joe Cool and Yosemite Sam.
With just nineteen days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted “We Are The Champions”, and shouted “I’m King of the World.”
Seth Meyers: Barack Obama has begun running campaign ads within video games, such as “Madden NFL ’09” and “Burnout”. Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside MRI machines.
A 20-year-old woman in Flint, Michigan has been painting Winnie the Pooh characters on the sides of vacant houses, in hopes of beautifying the economically-depressed area. Because nothing says “We’re back!” like the sight of a bear who can’t afford pants and his best friend, a depressed donkey.
[ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the front of the set ]
Seth Meyers: Ohhhh, oh no. It’s that crazy lady from the McCain rally.
Amy Poehler: Oh, no…
Seth Meyers: Oh, no…
Crazy McCain Supporter: I gotta ask you a question. About Obama…
Seth Meyers: Well — now’s really not a good time…
Crazy McCain Supporter: I dough not…I can’t trust him. Obama.
Seth Meyers: Why — why can’t you trust Obama?
Crazy McCain Supporter: I read about him…and he’s a…he’s a…he’s a…he’s a Arab.
Seth Meyers: No. No, ma’am, he’s not an Arab.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh, ‘cuz I went to the liberry and had this little black girl help me look up Obama on the computer pages, and let me tell you…it says he cavorts with terriers.
Seth Meyers: With terriers? No, ma’am. No, he does not do that…
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh. Maybe I, uh, heard I read that…
[ she wanders off ]
Amy Poehler: Public school officials in Chicago, Illinois are recommending approval of a “gay-friendly” high school, because harassment and violence are causing gay students to drop out at alarming rates. However, officials were surprised when they found out that that gay high school already exists. [ image: “High School Musical” logo ]
[ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the back of the set ]
Crazy McCain Supporter: I got the proof that Obama, he’s a…he’s a muslin.
Amy Poehler: Obama is a muslin? No, ma’am. Muslin is a kind of fabric.
Crazy McCain Supporter: You know, he wasn’t born here…and he’s…he’s…he’s a Jer.
Amy Poehler: What? A Jer?
Crazy McCain Supporter: Yeah, he’s a big Jer. He’s Jerish.
Amy Poehler: Oh, you mean Jewish? Ma’am, no, he’s not Jewish.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Well, I do know he’s fifty percent Egyptan. And he’s gonna change the White House to a pyramid.
Amy Poehler: No, ma’am. No, he is not. No.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Obama…He wants all the weddings to be gay weddings and they have orgys.
Amy Poehler: Orgies? No ma’am. I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff…
Crazy McCain Supporter: And, uh, the stem stells…
Seth Meyers: I think she means stem cells.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No… [ she wanders off again ]
Seth Meyers: Crazy McCain Rally Lady, everybody!
More than 140 colleges across the country have completely banned smoking on campus, which is more than triple the number from a year ago. Still bucking the trend: The University of Winston-Salem Lights.
The Lake Champlain Regional Chamber of Commerce held the First Annual Giant Pumpkin Regatta Sunday, in which participants rowed giant pumpkins. So, yeah — I think America’s gonna be all right!
A miniature horse has been given a second chance for a career as a show horse, thanks to a prosthetic eye. When told about this incident, a race horse with a broken leg said, “What?!”
Seth Meyers: You know, uh, we can be a little bit negative at “Weekend Update”. So, in an effort to be positive about the debate that happened last night, we’d like to introduce a new segment we call ‘We Liked It’
You know, I liked that debate. I liked how the candidates didn’t answer certain questions and stuck to their talking points. And I liked how they kept talking about Joe the plumber. That guy got more shout outs than the Moms at the Source Awards.
Amy Poehler: You know what I liked, Seth? I liked how they talked about education because I think teachers are underpaid. But you know, who’s not underpaid? Plumbers. Plumbers are doing just fine. They are recession-proof. You might not buy a new car when the economy is down, but if your toilet’s backed up, you’re calling a plumber. America will put up with a lot, but we will not settle for being ankle-deep in our own poop.
Seth Meyers: And you know what else I like? I like how the candidates always thank the host school, even though we all know they have nothing better going on. I mean, it’s amazing to think that, what else were they going to do at Hofstra last night? I mean, was the a cappella group going to sing? I mean, it’s college football season we’re talking about Hofstra, for goodness sake!
Amy Poehler: You know what I like? I like how, in two debates, John McCain has compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. Aw, snap!
Seth Meyers: Yeah! Yeah!
Amy Poehler: Way to connect with the youth of the country with a Hoover reference. You got him good. But you know what? Why stop there? Hey young people, what about William Ayers? That guy is a regular Emma Goldman. You know, the anarchist who incited violence in the early 1900’s? Oh, you don’t know? That’s because your teachers get paid worse than plumbers!
Seth Meyers: And, John McCain: I like how you keep saying you wish there had been more town hall debates, even though you were not good at your town hall debate. You were lurching at people and walking around like you should have been wearing a hospital gown.
Amy Poehler: You know what else we like?
Together: Split screen!
Amy Poehler: We like split screens! We like how it seems like the other person doesn’t know they’re still on camera so they sigh and roll their eyes. But, Obama, you gotta stop smiling. You need a poker face. I know you have a full house, and the other guy’s going all-in… but you can’t start buying drinks for everyone.
Seth Meyers: And hey McCain, you also have to stop smiling — just in general. Trust me on that. I’ve seen more natural smiles on hounted hause — haunted house skeletons…
Amy Poehler: You want to give that one another try?
Seth Meyers: Haunted house skeletons!
Amy Poehler: There we go! But otherwise, we liked it.”
Seth Meyers: We liked it!
Amy Poehler: We still liked it!
Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”!
[ fade to commercial ]
[ return to the newsdesk ]
Seth Meyers: Welcome back to “Weekend Update”!
Amy Poehler: Welcome back!
Seth Meyers: As Barack Obama gains momentum, some Democrats are worried about “The Bradley Effect” — a term named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, an African-American who lost the election for governor despite showing a significant lead in the polls. Here to comment, is the Reverend Jesse Jackson.”
Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Uh, the Bradley Effect is a reality that is both unavoidable AND… unequivocal. It is a phenomenon we all hope will not become… an Obama-non. According to a recent CNN/Yahoo poll, when voters were asked, “Would you elect an African-American president?” 87% responded “Yes”. But, when asked the follow-up question: “Really?”… that number dropped to 30%.
Seth Meyers: Well, most pundits estimate The Bradley Effect at around six percentage points. Do you think it could happen to Obama?
Jesse Jackson: Oh, most certainly. In fact, when I ran for President in 1984, the Bradley Effect cost me 43%. It was certainly not because I had no experience, had never held an elected office, or that I referred to New York… as “Hymietown”.
Seth Meyers: So you think that, despite the polls, some racism might come through when people get in the voting booth?
Jesse Jackson: Absolutely. There is often a disparity between what white people say… and what they do. They tell their black friends they enjoy hip-hop, but look at their CD collection… and all they have is a Tone-Loc album from 1987, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”.
Seth Meyers: But, obviously, Obama still has an excellent chance to win, right?
Jesse Jackson: Absolutely! For, tonight, in 2008, the dream of a black President is actual! And numerically factual! And realistically blacktual! Keep hope alive! And keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!
Seth Meyers: The Reverend Jesse Jackson everyone!
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!
Air Date:
Summary: Moammar Gadhafi (Fred Armisen) addresses the United Nations General Assembly to give excuses for his earlier speech.
Summary: Megan Fox comments on the obviously fake online nude photos of herself that she was unaware she had posed for.
Summary: The pill that helps men combat Shy Bladder Syndrome.
Summary: Flight attendants (Kristen Wiig, Megan Fox) are unnaturally upbeat and bubbly while announcing devastating news from the cabin.
Summary: Mr. Colon (Will Forte) can’t decide whether to choose attractive Russian bride (Megan Fox) or hulky, mannish Russian bride (Fred Armisen) with lesser qualities for ten dollars cheaper.
Summary: A socially-awkward man (Will Forte) impresses Megan Fox on a date, but rejects her anyway.
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques to help burn up the bedsheets.
Summary: Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the G20 Summit. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) speeds through her commentary and presents a hand-drawn chart.
Summary: Crystal (Megan Fox) touts the Live Lounge phone-chat line and the throng of other weirdo social types who use it.
Summary: When he comes over to her apartment for a movie date, Andy Samberg meets “Megan’s Roommate”, the bitterly jealous Optimus Prime (Bobby Moynihan).
Summary: Megan Fox chats with her friend’s mom (Kristen Wiig) over laundry.
Summary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal.![[ICO]](/icons/blank.gif){kind=icon}
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