Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Pizzeria Uno

Mark Payne….Bobby Moynihan
Dan….Kenan Thompson
Girlfriend….Amy Poehler
Boyfriend….Michael Phelps

[Opens with a shot of Pizzeria Uno. Cut to inside it. A couple share a table]

Girlfriend: I’m so excited to see that Pacino-DeNiro movie.

Boyfriend: Me too.

Girlfriend: Are you disappointed we’re not seeing “The Women”?

Boyfriend: I’ll go see it with my guy friends.

Girlfriend: Yeah, excuse me.[She stops a man walking by with an apron] Are you our waiter? We’re kind of in a hurry.

Dan: Oh, no. I’m not your waiter. I’m the assistant manager.

[In walks a guy with a do-rag, he plays with two strips of cloth that come from it. He talks with some southern gayness]

Mark Payne: Dan, are you harassing my table?

Dan: No. They just asked me where you were.

Mark Payne: Well then, tell them I’m standing right here.

Dan: He’s right here. [leaves]

Mark Payne: Good evening. How are y’all—oooh! Do you smell that? It smells like pepper up in here. Straight up. It smells like somebody put a big ‘ol pile of pepper in the middle of the room then sprayed that mess with hairspray a lit that junk on fire. It smells like a pepper inferno up in this piece! Oooh!

Girlfriend: We’re ready to order.

Mark Payne: Oh, me too!

Girlfriend: What? I don’t—

Mark Payne:[clears throat] Hey, my name is Mark Payne and I will not be your server tonight. Straight up. I will be your everything, girl. Ok? I will not be your waiter because Mark Payne does not wait. I will not be your server because Mark Payne don’t serve nobody but the Lord Jesus Christ.[Claps his hands above his head] OK, you heard?

Girlfriend: Well, that’s great. We’re kind of in a rush. We got tickets to go see a movie at ten.

Mark Payne: Well, let’s get down to brass tacks. We got over 4 different flavors of soda. Can you believe that? We got brown ones and sure enough we got clear ones. OK?

Girlfriend: I’ll have a Diet Coke.

Mark Payne: I ain’t gonna get you no soda. No, I’m gonna get you a water. Because soda is bad for your weak ass teeth. And water is just right over here. Straight up. So close you can almost wave to it.[Brings pitcher of water] Here you go. Drink that with your mouth. I’ll be back in 3 blinks of a lamb’s eye.[leaves]

Girlfriend: Can’t we eat at Ruby Tuesday’s? Its right next door.

Boyfriend: Let’s just stay here.

Girlfriend: We’ve been here 45 minutes.

Boyfriend: I have a coupon.[takes out coupon]

Girlfriend: You didn’t tell me that…

Boyfriend: It was suppose to be a surprise.

[Mark returns]

Mark Payne: Ooooohhh! How do you not smell that pepper?! Straight up! Can I ask you a secret? Is your smeller broke? Because it is overwhelming the smell of pepper up in here! Its like someone hit me over the head with a lead pipe and then dragged me into an establishment that only sells two things–pepper and a fan to blow that pepper around the room. Its blowing around the room like that bag from that movie. Oh, my God, you know that famous bag? Oh, my God girl. That bag was amazing.

Boyfriend: We’re ready to order now.

Mark Payne: So, can I get you some cheese sticks? Because if you like cheese you will enjoy them. Because they are 99% cheese and if you don’t like cheese then I suggest you eat a bowl of hair because you are a dummy.

Girlfriend: We’re gonna go to Ruby Tuesday’s.

Boyfriend: And then we’re gonna see “The Women”.

Mark Payne: Oh, what’s wrong? Is it the pepper smell? You ain’t go to worry about pepper. Pepper ain’t never killed nobody.

Girlfriend: No, its not the pepper. Its—

Mark Payne: Oh, what’s that? Oh, I see what’s going on…oh, so its me? Is that it? So, you are trying to tell me that if you threw a party and invited everyone that you knew, that you wouldn’t see the greatest gift would be from me and the card attached wouldn’t say “thanks for being a friend?”

Girlfriend: That’s from “The Golden Girls”.

Mark Payne: How do you not smell that pepper?! Its like the pepper monster from “Lost” left the island and made a beeline straight up into this Pizzeri-a Uno!

Girlfriend: Lets just go see “The Women”.

Boyfriend: Yes.

Mark Payne: Y’all got a cell phone? Call up Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt and tell them we got a class 5 pepper twister on our hands! Ok?[The couple leave] Where you going? Its an old reference but it still holds up. Oh, snap![grabs his head] Yo’, I left my kid on the bus![leaves but returns to the table] Ooohh! You did not leave a tip![leaves again]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

T-Mobile

Michael….Jason Sudeikis
Derrick….Michael Phelps
Amanda….Kristen Wiig
Derrick’s sister….Casey Wilson

[Opens with a house at night. Cut into the dining room. They’ve finished dinner. A couple of teens sit at the table with their parents. Dad reads a paper]

Mom: So, did you kids pick who’s gonna be in your five?

Derrick’s Sister: I picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny.

Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny. Your friends are hot.

Derrick’s Sister: Mom? Dad? Are you gonna do anything?

Dad:[being sly] Well, maybe you shouldn’t have such hot friends.

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: Who’s in your five? Introducing my faves for families.

[Back to the table]

Mom:[troubled] I’m sorry. What did you just say? You think her friends are hot?

Dad:[off guard] No, I…, I mean, you know, come on. They’re attractive young women.

Mom: Oh, so you’re attracted to them?

Dad: I didn’t say I was attracted to them. I just said that they were attractive.

Mom: Michael, these are fifteen year old girls!

Dad:[angry] What are you implying?!

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: Each person gets an unlimited number of calls to any five people. That’s right. All the calls you want to make.

[Back at the table. Later at night, kids gone]

Dad: Jeez Amanda! Its like you think I’m some kind of sicko!

Mom: What am I suppose to think? You think girls our daughter’s age are sexy?

Dad: What would you know about sexy? Huh? I mean, you’ve been so cold to me. So cold to my touch for so long.

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: That goes to any number. Even land lines.

[Back at the table. Michael and Amanda resume their tense discussion]

Dad: Well, you know, at least they ask me how my day went.

Mom: What? So, you’ve been talking to them?[uncomfortable silence] Have you? [another uncomfortable silence] Michael, who’s in your five?

Dad: Um, Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and now Jenny.

[Sticks his head out the door into the dining room]

Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth,—

Mom: Not now!

Dad: DERRICK, GET OUT OF HERE!

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: Only $39.99 a month and if you act now you’ll get 10,000 free messages with unlimited minutes on nights and weekends.

[Cut to dining room. Kids are bummed out. Michael has a suitcase. Amanda has her back to him]

Dad: If anyone needs me I’ll be at the Travelodge.

Mom: Leave the phone.

[Michael pouts and angrily gives her the phone]

[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]

Announcer: T-Mobile. Stick together.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

An SNL Digital Short

Alien…..Andy Samberg
Extras…..Casey Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Michael Phelps

[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]

Alien:
Reach for the stars!
Woah! Yeah!

You stand on a distant planet
Skyline of red plateaus
Strange air and vegetation
You’re a Winner!
Welcome to the Space Olympics
The year 3022
Take part in a grand tradition
Your name echoes in the halls of the universe!

Oh ho ho!
Yeah yeah!
Believe in yourself!
Take your game into outer space!

Every single galactic athlete
Needs a coded ID badge
Drug tests are mandatory
You’re a Winner!
the athletes village is on zargon
You all get a junior suite
We don’t cover incidentals
So keep your ass out the minibar!

You’re the best in the world!
Brace yourself cause there’s no gravity!
You’re in the mother(bleep)in’ Space Olympics!
Yeeeeeaaaaaah!

Let it be known by every nation
You’ll only get one meal a day
There was a bit of a budget snafu
And food funding is insuffcient
We can’t really enforce the curfew
As there is no light or sound
Just one of the many problems
With hosting a sporting event in space

Announcer:
Attention all athletes
There are minor scheduling adjustments

Alien:
Space Disk
Is totally cancelled
Space Swords
Is totally cancelled
Space Luge
Is also canceled
And all are events are pending

Welcome to your Space Olympics
All the oxygen has run out
And someone who will not be named
Accidently hit Self Destruct
As you file to your escape pods
I’ll distract the alien hordes
And as I stare death in the face
I know my sins will take me to Hell

You do it for the love
My love
And there ain’t no woman that can take your spot, my love.”

Submitted by: Forevahomieg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Quiz Bowl

Host…..Jason Sudeikis
Craig…..Kenan Thompson
Rachel…..Casey Wilson
Jim…..Bobby Moynihan
Zachariah…..Will Forte
Zarayah…..Amy Poeler
Zebadiah…..Michael Phelps
Mrs. Jasper…..Kristen Wiig

Host: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Bowl. We’re about to start round two, but before we do, let’s get to know our contestants. First is the team from Richmond High.

Craig: Hi. I’m Craig.

Rachel: I’m Rachel.

Jim: And I’m excited. Nah, just joking. I’m Jim. Go bulldogs!

Host: Alright, next we have the Jasper family from the Brethren of Ezekiel Compound.

Zachariah: Hi I’m Zachariah.

Zaraya: I’m Zeraya.

Zebediah: And I’m Zebediah.

All Jaspers: We’re home schooled.

Host: Ah, that’s just great. Now the Jasper family dominated in the first round…spelling, to take a one hundred and sixty point lead. Let’s see if Richmond can turn it around in our second round…the topic…biology. Alright…for ten points… during ovulation, the egg passes through what tubes?

Rachel: Fallopian.

Host: Right. Next question. What two things can be found in the nucleus of the atom?

Zachariah: Jesus and Angels?

Host: No, we were actually looking for neutrons and protons. Alright. What substance in your body transfers oxygen from your lungs to your body?

Zebediah: Tiny gremlins?

Host: Wow, uh, no.

Ms. Jasper: Yes it is. Tiny gremlins, there’s tiny gremlins in our bodies. I’ve seen them in my microscope.

Host: Ms. Jasper, I asked you to stay with the other mothers.

Ms. Jasper: Tiny gremlins.

Host: Okay, we’ll get away from science here…Richmond, I encourage you to get to your buzzers quicker…Alright, how bout history? What was the last international war fought on U.S. soil? Jasper family.

Zarayah: The dinosaur caveman war?

Host: Uh, no.

Ms. Jasper: Yes, it was.

Host: No, it’s not.

Ms. Jasper: Okay, then where are all of the dinosaurs, huh? They’re dead ’cause the cavemen killed them and then they built the White House.

Host: Okay, Ms. Jasper. Ms. Jasper, please leave.

Ms. Jasper: The St. Louis Arcj is a giant magnet.

Host: Okay, can we try to keep her away from here?

Ms. Jasper: It’s pulling us.

Host: Alright, that’s a free steal for Richmond. What was the last international war fought on U.S. soil?

(Richmond students huddle)

Jim: I believe it was the dinosaur neanderthal war.

Host: No, no! What are you, home schooled too?

Jim: Uh, no, we go to public school.

Host: Alright, let’s just do this…Let’s go to the lightning round instead. What force discovered by Isaac Newton causes objects to fall at a unified rate?

Zebediah: Lack of faith?

Host: No, no, wrong. It’s gravity. What triggered World War One?

Zaraya: Boys and Girls swimming together?

Host: No, it’s the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. (to Richmond) You guys can jump in anytime here. Okay, what ingredient causes bread to rise?

Zachariah: Swear words.

Host: What?

Zachariah: Swear words.

Host: No, it’s yeast. Richmond, guys, come on! Yeast…doesn’t ring a bell? No? Okay. What religious holiday is celebrated for eight days and eight nights?

All Jaspers: Chi Chi Mon Greenus.

Host: Chi Chi Mon Greenus? Okay…what do you do on Chi Chi Mon Greeenus?

Ms. Jasper: You study spelling.

Host: Okay. Ding ding ding. That means we are out of time. The final score is Richmond – 20. Jasper family – 80. But don’t worry Jasper family, you won’t be going home empty handed. You won’t be going home at all. Social Services is waiting outside with orders from multiple judges to take you away. And that’s all for Quiz Bowl. See you next time.

Submitted by: JMan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton

Written by: Seth Meyers, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

[ open on art card ]

Announcer: And now, a nonpartisan message from Gov. Sarah Palin and Sen. Hillaty Clinton.

[ dissolve to Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton standing behind a podium together ]

Sarah Palin: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.

Hillary Clinton: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.

Sarah Palin: Now, I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain’s running mate…

Hillary Clinton: And me being a fervent supportor of Senator Barack Obama — as evidenced by this button. [ she touches a campaign button pinned to her lapel ]

Sarah Palin: But, tonight, we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.

Hillary Clinton: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.

Sarah Palin: You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everythi —

Hillary Clinton: [ cutting in ] ON ANYTHING!! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

Sarah Palin: And I can see Russia from my house!

Hillary Clinton: I believe that global warming is caused by man.

Sarah Palin: And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer!

Hillary Clinton: I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.

Sarah Palin: [ laughs ] I don’t know what that is!

Hillary Clinton: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.

Sarah Palin: So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!

Hillary Clinton: And stop saying I have cankles!

Sarah Palin: Don’t refer to me as a MILF!

Hillary Clinton: Don’t refer to me as a “flurge” — I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!

Sarah Palin: Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us! Like “pretty”, “attractive”, “beautiful”…

Hillary Clinton: “Harpy”, “shrew”, and “boner shrinker”.

Sarah Palin: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska:

Hillary Clinton: Oh, boy…

Sarah Palin: “What’s the difference…”

Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!

Sarah Palin: “…between a hockey mom…”

Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!

Sarah Palin: “…and a pitbull?”

Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!

Sarah Palin: [ a beat ] “Lipstick”.

Hillary Clinton: There you go.

Sarah Palin: Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House… and me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?

Hillary Clinton: [ forcing a hard smile ] I cannot!

Sarah Palin: It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree, that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House!

Hillary Clinton: No-o-o-o!! Mine!! It’s supposed to be mine!! I’m sorry, I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President! I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman!

[ as Clinton rambles, Palin waves to her supporters like a beauty queen, offers a side profile of her bust, poses as thouh cocking a rifle ]

Hillary Clinton: And I-I-I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses!

Sarah Palin: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President!

Hillary Clinton: Anyone! Anyone! Anyone! [ she laughs maniacally ]

Sarah Palin: All you have to do is want it.

Hillary Clinton: [ laughs maniacally ] Yeah! You know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more! [ she laughs maniacally and rips off a piece of the podium ]

Sarah Palin: So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.

Hillary Clinton: Although it is never sexist to question female politicians’ credentials. [ acknowledging Palin ] Please ask, this one about dinosaurs. In conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And, if you can’t, I will lend you mine.

Sarah Palin: And, as we say in Alaska…

Hillary Clinton: We say it everywhere…

Together: “Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Lil Wayne performs “Lollipop”

…..Michael Phelps
…..Lil Wayne

Michael Phelps: Once again — Lil Wayne.

Lil Wayne:
(Ow…Uh Huh…Young Mula Baby!)

[ She say he so sweet make her wanna lick the rapper
So I letta lick the rapper ]

Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I ….. like a lollipop

Shawty wanna thug
bottles in the club
shawty wanna hump
and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps

Shawty wanna thug
bottles in the club
shawty wanna hump
and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps

Okay, lil mama had a swag like mine
even wear her hair down her back like mine
i make her feel right when its wrong like lyin
Man, she ain never had a love like mine
n’ man I aint never seen a ass like hers
and that pussy in my mouth had me at a loss fo words
told her to back it up like erp erp
and make that ass jump like shczerp shczerp
and thats when she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop
( oh yeah I like that )
she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop
( oh yeah I like that )
she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop
( oh yeah I like that )
shawty I lo-lo-lookin like a lollipop
( oh yeah I like that )

Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that )
and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps

Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that )
and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps

Shawty said the nigga that she with aint shit
Shawty said the nigga that she with aint this
Shawty said the nigga that she with cant hit
And shawty ima hit it(hit it) like I cant miss
And I cant do this
and I dont do that
shawty needa a refund needa bring that nigga back
this trypa refund; I tell her bring that ass back
and she bring that ass back (she bring that ass back)

Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
Wanna lick the rapper
So I letta lick the rapper
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that )
and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps

Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
Wanna lick the rapper
So I letta lick the rapper
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that )
and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps

Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya

Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that )
bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )

I get her on top she drop it like it hot
and when im on the bottom she hit the very bottom
then we in the bed givin gettin head ( givin gettin hed givin gettin head )
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
call me so I can do it juicy for ya

Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop
Wanna lick the rapper
So I letta lick the rapper.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”

…..Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps: Ladies and gentlemen — Lil Wayne, with T-Pain.

Lil Wayne:
I need a Winn-Dixie
Grocery bag full of money
Right now to the VIP section (wosh, wosh, wosh)
You got Young Mula
In the house tonight baby
Yeah!!
Yeah!
Young!
Young! (wosh)
Young! (wosh)
Young! (wosh)
Young Mula Baby!

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way

Lil Wayne:
Now I was bouncing through the club
She loved the way I did it but
I see her boyfriend hatin’ like a city cop
Now I ain’t never been a chicken but my fitty cocked
Say I ain’t never been a chicken but my semi cocked
Now where your bar at?
I’m tryna rent it out
And we so bout it bout it
Now what are you about?
DJ show me love
He say my name when the music stop
Young Money Lil Wayne
Then the music drop
I make it snow
I make it flurry
I make it out back tomorrow don’t worry
Yeah
Young Wayne on them hoes
A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes (Young Money)

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you Gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way

Lil Wayne:
(Streets)
Here we go one for the money
Two for the show
Now clap your hands if you got a bank roll
Like some clap on lights in this bitch
Ima be clapping all night
In this bitch (uhh hun)
Lights off (uhh hun)
Masks on (uhh hun)
Creep Silent (uhh hun)
She smiling (yeah)
He muggin’
Who cares, cause my goons are right here
Aye
Its nothin to a big dog
And I’m a Great Dane
I wear eight chains
I mean so much ice
They yell skate Wayne!
She wanna f**k Weezy
But she wanna rape wayne (uhh hun)

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you Gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like..

Lil Wayne:
Okay,
It’s Young Wayne on them hoes
A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes
Like ehhhh!
Everybody say Mr. Rain man
Can we have a rainy day?
Bring a umbrella
Please bring a umbrella
Ella, ella, ella ehhh!
Bitch ain’t shit but a hoe in a trick
Bet you no one ain’t trick if you got it
You know we ain’t f**king if you not thick
And I cool your ass down if you think you’re hot shit
So rolex watch this
I do it 4 5 6 my click
Clap goes the black fo’ fifth
And just like it I blow that shit
Cause bitch I’m the bomb like
Tick tick
Yeah!!

Lil Wayne & T-Pain:
Got money (yeah)
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it (then)
Throw it (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way
if you Gettin’ mug
From everybody who see that
Hang over the wall of the VIP
Like (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way (fly)
This a way (fly)
Thata way

Lil Wayne:
Yeah
It’s Young Wayne on them hoes
A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes
Yeah
Young Wayne on them hoes
Make a stripper fall in love
T-Pain on them hoes
Aha!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Michael Phelps’ Monologue

…..Michael Phelps
Michael’s Mom…..Amy Poehler
Male Audience Member…..Will Forte
…..William Shatner
…..Debbie Phelps

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Phelps!

Michael Phelps: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s so great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” — uh, this seriously is, like, the ninth greatest moment of my life.

Voice: Whoo!!

[ cut to Michael’s Mom in the audience, waving a pair of small American flags ]

Michael’s Mom: Yeah! Good job, Michael!! Whoo!!

Michael Phelps: For those of you who don’t know, uh — I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on NBC for 390 consecutive hours.

Michael’s Mom: [ laughing hysterically ] That’s my boy!! That’s my son up there!! Whoo!!

Michael Phelps: Relax, Mom… come on.

Michael’s Mom: What?! A mom can’t be proud of her son?! [ turns to the woman seated next to her ] Do you have children? And how many of them have gold medals?

Michael Phelps: MOM!!

Michael’s Mom: I’m sorry, keep going! You’re in the zone!!

Michael Phelps: Also, I’m very proud to announce that I’m going to be a BIG part of NBC’s Fall schedule, uh — so don’t miss me in the new cop drama: “Swim Cop”.

[ cut to title card ]

Uh — if you commit a crime — and that crime is in the water — you’re gonna have to deal with me. I’ve also been getting a lot of endorsement offers, and… I do realzie how important it is to choose the right kind of products for your image.

Male Audience Member: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps?

Michael Phelps: Uh — yes? You have a question?

Male Audience Member: I do, uh — you mentioned endorsements, and I do believe that I have the PERFECT product for the Michael Phelps name.

Michael Phelps: Well… I don’t think now is the best time.

Male Audience Member: [ holding box up ] It’s “My First Meth Lab”! It’s the only meth lab kit on the market that is specifically marketed to pre-teens. [ turns box around ] I’ve already put your face on the box!

Michael Phelps: Wow, uh — I would NOT want to endorse stuff like that, I don’t care HOW much you paid me.

Male Audience Member: Pay you? [ chuckles at the thought ]

Michael Phelps: Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. [ to the audience ] See, that’s a good example of a product I should NOT endorse. I’m looking for endorsements that make sense for someone like me.

William Shatner stands in the audience ]

William Shatner: Yeah, yeah, it’s TRUE! You can’t be too careful!

[ the audience cheers ]

Michael Phelps: William Shatner! What are you doing here?

William Shatner: Michael, I’m here to give you some advice! Nothing is more important than integrity! You earned your integrity in the Olympic arena, and I was born with mine! So, you must be vigilant! We can’t just throw our face on any second-rate product, we have to SAVE ourselves… for the high-end brands! Brands like, uh — [ stares into the camera ] Priceline! I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it!

Michael Phelps: Are you — are you just here to talk about Priceline?

William Shatner: No, no, no! I would never do that! And you know why I would never do that? Integrity! [ stares into camera ] And Priceline!

Michael Phelps: Thank you. Uh — we have a great show for you tonight. Mom, are you excited?

Michael’s Mom: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Michael Phelps: And how about you, Mom?

[ cut to Debbie Phelps, Michael’s real mom, who hugs her doppleganger as the audience cheers ]

Michael Phelps: Well, we have a great show tonight — Lil Wayne is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Locker Room Motivation II

Coach….Will Forte
Michael Phillips….Michael Phelps
Swimmer 1….Bill Hader
Swimmer 2….Fred Armisen
Swimmer 3….Bobby Moynihan
Swimmer 4….Kenan Thompson
Swimmer 5….Jason Sudeikis
Swimmer 6….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a demoralized swimming team in blue tracksuits entering their locker room. They sit on a bench, some sit on the floor. The coach enters behind them, mustache, clipboard in his hands]

Coach: All right, listen up, listen up! Now I know this season has not been what we had hoped. Yes, we lost every single swim meet that we participated in, all your scholarships have been revoked and we’ve had two deaths by drowning. Hey, but look guys this is our last meet and I think if we give it our all we can win this thing.

Michael Phillips: Coach, can I address the team?

Coach: Yeah, go ahead Phillips. Gentlemen, your team captain, Michael Phillips.

Michael Phillips: I don’t know guys. I just don’t think if I’m cut out for this whole swimming thing. I mean, I just picture myself on that starting block and I got so scared that I thought I fudged my Speedo.

Coach: Oh, hey, hey, hey. That is nothing to be ashamed of Phillips. I soil my pants everyday, ok? With me is not a fear thing, is more of an illness. I’m just saying I can relate. But there’s no reason to be scared of this guys, ok? You’re all the same. You’re just people, ok? Y’all put your clothes on one leg at a time. One arm at a time for shirts. Hats, you just put them up there on top of your heads. Well, you guys know how to put on hats, huh? The point is you can do this and anyone in here that doesn’t think they can, there’s the door.

Michael Phillips: Lets get out of here.

[The swimming team get up to leave]

Coach: Oh, hey, hold on! You come back here![throws clipboard to the floor]Hit the pine,[points to the bench] hit the pine. [Swimming team comes back] Look, I know is tempting to give up. Heck, sometimes the thought even crosses my mind, huh? Well, when it does there’s one thing that always brings me back.[takes a cassette from his pocket and shakes it in front of them]Its a song my father gave me. But its not just any song, ok? See, this is a song played over the loudspeakers as he and his military brethren were about to land in Korea to participate on the battle of Inchon, ok, were they scared? You bet your nose-plugs they were scared, huh? But after hearing this song–it so fired them up,that they won that battle and together changed the course of history. And all I’m asking of you is to listen to this song once and then decide if you want to run away like cowards or if you want to stay here and swim like champions. Champions.

[Coach goes over to a radio and pops cassette in. Song begins. Coach is taking the song in. Song is traveling through him. The team looks at him kind of stunned. Coach starts smiling and starts dancing out of pure joy, dancing and more dancing. Coach dances on one leg. Does a big wave with his hands and makes baby-steps a few times]

Song: Fancy pants![coach points at his pants], Fancy Pants![points again], Fancy Pants![points again] Fancy Pants!, Fancy Pants! Fancy Pants!

Coach: Ahh, can you FEEL IT!

Michael Phillips: I can feel it coach!

[Michael gets up and starts dancing with the coach locked arm in arm. Pinch their noses and make like they’re drowning, bump playfully their hips, swim like they’re underwater]

Coach: Ah, now who is ready to kick some buns?!!

Michael Phillips: USA! USA! USA![goes back out to the pool, Coach follows]

Coach: USA! USA! USA!

Swimmer 1: Let’s get outta here!

[Whole team leaves]

[Cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Jar Glove

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Officers…..Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan
Judge…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen, as Wife, fixing breakfast, grabs a jar ]

Announcer: Opening jars. Every time, it’s the same old story…

[ footage turns black and white, with “Dramatization” tag, as Wife twists and turns the jar’s lid ]

Announcer: The twisting and turning…

[ cut to Wife rubbing her sore wrists ]

Announcer: The aching and straining…

[ cut to Wife trying to loosen the jar’s lid with hot water from the sink, burning her hands in the process ]

Announcer: The scalding and burning…

[ cut to wife smacking the jar against the counter ]

Announcer: The swinging and striking…

[ the jar ricochets off the counter, striking her Husband across the head and knocking him to the floor ]

Announcer: The panicking…

[ cut to Wife dragging her Husband’s dead, bloodies body across the floor ]

Announcer: The dragging…

[ cut to Wife, frustrated, digging her Husband’s grave in the back yard ]

Announcer: The digging and burying…

[ cut to two police officers at the front door, questioning the Wife on her missing husband’s whereabouts ]

Announcer: The lying and stalling…

[ she shoves one of the officers aside and runs for it, as he returns fire with his tazer ]

Announcer: The resisting and tazing…

[ cut to Judge banging gavel ]

Announcer: The sentencing and convicting…

[ cut to Wife being locked up in jail cell ]

Announcer: The shackling and imprisonment…

[ cut to Wife in jail cell hitting all-nighters with stacks of law books ]

Announcer: The studying and appealing…

[ cut to Wife carving a gun out of a bar of soap ]

Announcer: The plotting and scheming…

[ cut to Wife leading foot chase, as officers pursue her with dogs ]

Announcer: The barking and the shooting…

[ cut to Wife hiding inside a sewage pipe ]

Wife: There’s got to be a better way!

[ product slide rises ]

Announcer: Now there is — thanks to Jar Glove!

[ cut to Wife holding a jar with one hand, and wearing a jar glove on the other ]

Announcer: Jar Glove. The better way.

[ she gently twists the lid off the jar and smiles ]

[ return to product slide ]

Announcer: Now only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts