For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne
Goodnights
…..Michael Phelps
[ return from commercial to bumper memorializing Bernie Brillstein ]
[ fade to black ]
[ fade up on Michael Phelps and the cast ]
Michael Phelps: Thanks to Lil Wayne and Tina Fey, William Shatner, and Jared Fogel. Thanks to my mom! I love you guys for coming. Have a good Saturday!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne
The Michael Phelps Diet
…..Michael Phelps
…..Jared Fogle
Diet guy….Will Forte
Diet Girl 1….Casey Wilson
Diet Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Before and After models….Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig
[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]
Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?
[Girl nods yes]
[A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]
Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?
[They guy nods yes]
Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.
[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]
Michael Phelps: Hi, I’m Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles]
[Cut to the Diet guy]
Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?
Diet guy: I sure am.
[Michael gets next to him]
Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]
Diet guy: Wow!
Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?
[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]
Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]
Diet girl: Now that’s a lunch!
Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piñatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piñatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.
Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.
Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.
Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.
[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig]
[Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES]
[Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin]
[A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]
Diet girl 2: I’ve been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying “Congratulations”[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.
[cut to diet guy]
Diet Guy: I’ve never felt this full before!
[Michael gets next to him]
Michael Phelps: And you haven’t even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.
Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake]
[cut to famous diet guy from Subway’s commercials]
Jared Fogel: Hey, I’m Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!
Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don’t have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: “Yes You do” ]
[Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]
Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!
Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?
Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I’m on a diet!
[Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]
Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
September 13th, 2008
Michael Phelps
Lil Wayne
None
Tina Fey
William Shatner
Debbie Phelps
Jared Fogel
None A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary ClintonSummary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.
Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.
Transcript
Montage
Michael Phelps’ MonologueSummary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.
Bio: Michael Phelps
(1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games
, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.
Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike’s landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.
Transcript
Quiz BowlSummary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.
Transcript
Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide.
Transcript
Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team’s impending loss by playing “Dancing Plants”.
Recurring Characters: Coach.
Transcript
Craig & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).
Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.
Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.
Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.
The Charles Barkley ShowSummary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas’ Wynn Casino’s day care.
Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.
T-MobileSummary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter’s (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.
Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about the “Space Olympics”.
Transcript
Pizzeria UnoSummary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).
Transcript
Lil Wayne performs “Lollipop”Lyrics
The Michael Phelps DietSummary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
LoveMatchConnect.comSummary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.
The Justice League of AmericaSummary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.
Larry KingSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).
Recurring Characters: Larry King.
Budget Bridal GownsSummary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.
Katy PerrySummary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides “I Kissed a Girl”.
Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.
History’s Greatest Stories
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: 2007-2008
Starring:
Writers:
Episodes
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returned for its thirty-third season on September 29th, 2007 with no changes in store. Even Maya Rudolph, whom many had suspected was leaving when last season’s finale practically served as her swan song, returned with the rest of the now-static cast.The catalyst for change, however, would lie in the Writer’s Guild of America strike, which promptly put the season on hold after only four episodes. Although writer’s strikes had either interrupted seasons or brought them to an early end in the past, this was the first to inflict itself so early into the season, leaving many to wonder if this would be “SNL”‘s shortest season ever. After roughly fourteen weeks, the Writer’s Guild strike was resolved and “SNL” finally returned to air on February 23rd, 2008, with former head writer-turned-actress Tina Fey on-deck to host.For the first time in thirty-two years, the cast would perform four live shows in a row, a routine that had exhausted the original cast when they did so twice in the first season. Noticably absent from the first post-strike episode was Rudolph, who had decided not to renew her contract in the interim. Taking her place as a featured performer is Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre veteran, Casey Wilson.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12/white>
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Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
…..Sen. John McCain
Rev. Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.
On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president.
It’s believed that Edwards’ endorsement of Sen. Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote.
A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court, on Thursday, overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state’s mesh tuxedo industry.
Seth Meyers: [ show photo of Paterson hunched over a bill ] This week, New York State Governor David Paterson signed into law the new Studio 54 bill.
John Hammons, a 19-year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma, became the mayor of Muskogee this week when he was the last person in town to shout: “Not it!”
Amy Poehler: According to a new report by the Energy Department, wind turbines can produce a fifth of the nation’s annual electricity needs within about two decades. Which could drastically reduce our dependence on foreign wind.
Seth Meyers: While the battle for the Democratic nomination rages on, the Republican party settled on their nominee months ago. Here now with a message to voters, that nominee — Sen. John McCain!
Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth… Amy. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking Republican voters. We’re gearing up for one of the most pivitol elections in this nation’s history, and I’m honored to be part of it. But I also want to speak to Democrats. I know we don’t see eye-to-eye on every issue. But I also believe we respect one another. That’s why I want to give you this piece of advice: Democrats, I have to urge you to NOT, under any circumstances, pick a candidate too soon. [ he grins ]
Seth Meyers: [ slightly confused ] Oh. Oh, so you don’t think Hillary should drop out?
Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.
Amy Poehler: I told you.
Seth Meyers: Cool it!
Amy Poehler: You cool it!
Sen. John McCain: [ smugly ] That’s right — fight amongst yourselves.
Seth Meyers: [ taken aback ] What – what — what did you say?
Sen. John McCain: Nothing. [ he shakes his head ] But what I want to say to the Democrats is this: you have two incredibly talented candidates. Why not take every possible second to weigh each of their pros and cons? For all you know, there are a bunch of cons you don’t even know about yet. Cons that won’t reveal themselves should you choose a candidate too early.
Seth Meyers: Well, but of course, the convention is in late August so I guess that would be the deadline.
Sen. John McCain: What’s the rush, Seth? I’d urge Democrats not to get caught up in the idea that the candidate has to be decided by the time the convention ends. I’ve been to a lot of conventions and they are a lot of fun. But when they end, there’s always that empty feeling of, “Oh well, we’ve picked a nominee, I guess the party’s over.” Imagine the excitement of leaving the convention and STILL not knowing who the nominee was? That would be crazy — crazy exciting! And if, come November, you still haven’t decided, I’d be willing to set aside my differences with your party and say: “Hey, let’s put BOTH of them on the ballot!” I’ll support you on that. It’s the least I can do.
In conclusion, I want to add that I also thought John Edwards had a lot of good ideas, and you might want to kick the tires on him one more time. Thank you, and God bless America.
Seth Meyers: Sen. John McCain, everybody! Thanks a lot!
Amy Poehler: President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message! [ show photo of Bush standing in front of “Mission Accomplished” banner ]
Taliban insurgents have ordered residents of a province near Kabul to stop watching television, saying the networks were showing un-Islamic programs. Most notably, the popular Afghani soap opera “The Woman Who Went Outside”.
Seth Meyers: Britney Spears was involved in another car collision on Tuesday, when she hit the back of an SUV in Beverly Hills. Damage was minimal, though, as Spears was on foot.
According to new research from the U.S. government, heavy marijuana use could reduce blood levels in particular protein, raising a person’s risk of a heart attack or stroke.
Amy Poehler: [ alarmed ] Oh, no!
Seth Meyers: Oh no, don’t panic. The study says you’d have to smoke an average of tne joints a day.
Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed ] Oh, no!!
Seth Meyers: No. You’d have to smoke the ten joints a day every day for the last twnety years.
Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed than ever ] Oh, nooooo!!!! [ pauses ] Wait. What are we talking about?
Seth Meyers: Nothing.
Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] Good!
This week, Nintendo launched a new game for the Wii system, called Wii Fit, which is an exercise program that comes with a balance board and features a virtual trainer. And in just twelve weeks, you’ll go from looking like this: [ show tubby fellow ] to looking like this: [ show Mario ]
A Dutch train driver was suspended this week after accidentally leaving on the train’s PA while masturbating. Said the train driver, “I think I can… I think I can… I think I can… I think I can!”
Seth Meyers: With more superdelegates going his way, Barack Obama is poised to clench the Democratic nomination. Here with some advice for Sen. Obama, are the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Whoo-whoo-whoo!! Yes!
Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Tonight, we pause and praise and give thanks… for the opportunity… to address you, Mr. Barack Obama. For 2008, the dream of a Black president seems genuine… actual… and America-factual!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s for real!
Jesse Jackson: But… the Democratic nomination is NOT… a presidential coronation… and rat-a-tat-tat! Uh — last week, 20% of Hillary Clinton voters in West Virginia… said that race was a dominating factor IN their vote!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s a disgrace!
Jesse Jackson: Barack Obama, the truth is unfortunate, yet indisputable. This race is inexplicably tied… to race.
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s a RACE race!
Jesse Jackson: Yes, sir. Embrace your race… for you cannot erase… your face! So, tonight… we intrigue you… of the vigilant. for, as close as you are to the presidency… you know from our people’s history what could happen. One mistake, and —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, it’s fine to not wear a flag pin on your lapel…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But it you’re gonna wear a dashiki —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: It’s okay to be close to the African-American community leaders…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But get your picture taken with Farrakhan —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, you a smoker, so it’s fine to partake of a cigarette here and there…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But if it’s a whole pack of Newport menthols —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: It’s fine to have the media talk to women from your past…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But if they dig up ONE baby mama —
Together: They take it away!!
Rev. Al Sharpton: And they might throw your ass in JAIL!!
Jesse Jackson: Easy. Mr. Obama… you must never let them take it away. For ONLY if you’re calculated… and midolated… will the presidency finally be consecrated!
Rev. Al Sharpton: You’re up in the polls. I wouldn’t even leave your house until November!
Seth Meyers: The Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A ten-year old boy in California has entered his sophomore year at East Los Angeles College, where he’s receiving the equivalent of a fourth grade education.
Seth Meyers: A man in Australia has been fined after buckling a case of beer with a seat belt, but leaving a five-year old child to sit on the car’s floor. Earning him the title of World’s Most Australianist Man.
The owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors a close-up look at male reproductive organs of several species, says that four men have promised to donate their penises after their deaths. You know, I’m thinking I may do that.
Amy Poehler: Really? I didn’t know they had a miniatures collection. [ raises her arm for a high-five ] Up top!
Seth Meyers: Why — why would I high-five you on that? Why would I do that?
Amy Poehler: Because if you get mad, it looks like it’s true!
Seth Meyers: [ high-fives Amy ] Up top! Yeah!!
Amy Poehler: Whoa!
Seth Meyers: Funny joke! Funny joke! Not true. So funny, though.
Amy Poehler: This week, a man said he survived a shark attack by wrestling with the animal and then poking it in the eye. As a result, the man has been banned from the Coney Island Aquarium.
Seth Meyers: A man in Florida us suing, after he was ticketed on the beach for wearing a speedo. Though, in fairness, he was wearing it as an ascot. What a fancy man.
A Swiss man, this week, successfully tested a new device he built, which is a retractable wing with four jet engines strapped to his back. In an interview, the man said he envisions a day when everyone will die this way.
Amy Poehler: A growing number of communities across the country are moving to prevent sexual predators from becoming ice cream truck drivers. In particular, drivers for Mr. Touch Me Not-So-Softy.
Seth Meyers: Astronauts living on the international space station will soon be getting their drinking water from a new system that recycles their urine into drinkable water. Said one space staton astronaut, “It would have been nice to get a heads-up on that before we got here.”
For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
The Democratic Primaries
Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
[ open on split-screen image of Barack Obama’s and Hillary Clinton’s face ]
Together: Democratic Primaries. A race for the nomination. From January to June —
Barack Obama: Ideally, sooner.
Together: — the fate of a party hangs in the balance. From Iowa —
Hillary Clinton: Which was a caucus state, and shouldn’t carry as much weight.
Together: — to California.
Barack Obama: Which any Democrat would carry in the general election, anyway.
Together: From the hope of the future —
Barack Obama: The youth.
Together: — to the backbone of the party.
Hillary Clinton: Hard-working white people!
Together: Now, two candidates remain.
Barack Obama: Only one mathemetically viable.
Hillary Clinton: And it’s anyone’s race.
Together: Both have their assets —
Barack Obama: Charisma.
Hillary Clinton: Ruthless ambition!
Together: — and their liabilities.
Hillary Clinton: [ smiles ] Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
Barack Obama: Bill Clinton.
Together: And they both have their eyes on one prize: the Democratic Nomination.
Hillary Clinton: — in 2012.
Together: It’s not over until all the votes are counted —
Hillary Clinton: Including Michigan and Florida!
Together: — until all the superdelegates have voted —
Barack Obama: An important mandate to the people.
Hillary Clinton: Having made up their minds, independently.
Together: Because, in the end, no matter who wins, we can all stand behind one idea:
Barack Obama: Democracy.
Hillary Clinton: I deserve this!
[ SUPER: “There Can Only Be One” ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
McCain in One
Written by: Jim Downey
…..Sen. John McCain
[ open on John McCain slide ]
Sen. John McCain V/O: I’m John McCain. And I approved this message.
[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain seated in front of a mock Oval Office setting ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans —
[ the audience drowns him out with their applause ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I ask you, what should we be looking for in our next president? Certainly, someone who is very, very, very old.
But just as important, we will need a leader of courage and principle. Someone who is willing to do what is best for this country. Even when doing so is unpopular. Such as putting an end to runaway government spending, and, especially, congressional earmarks, those wasteful pork barrel projects sneaked anonymously into bills by members of Congress as a favor to campaign contributors for powerful local interests.
Most of these projects are at best unnecessary, such as $15 million to the U.S. Postal Service for a commemorative stamp honoring Tom Delays appellate lawyers. [ show photo of the stamp ] Whose idea was that? Or this bit of pork: $160 million to the Department of Defense for developing a device that can jam gaydar. [ show photo of the device ] Now, I dont know if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay, or if such a device would even work. But I do know this: jamming gaydar is NOT a federal responsibility. Thats something best left to state and local governments.
My friends, I’ve fought waste in government my entire career. And during more than twenty years, representing Arizona in both the House and Senate, I have not once sought to bring pork-barrel spending back to my state. Not even highway funds. When I entered the Senate in 1987, Arizona had forty-seven thousand miles of paved roadway. Today, it’s less than nine hundred.
I’ve also opposed federal water projects, even when they bnefitted my state. Thats why, thanks to me, 15% of Arizona citizens must get their drinking water from cactus. 25 years! I haven’t even brought a post office to my state. And Im proud of the fact that, because of my work, when residents of Flagstaff want to mail a letter, or to pick up a package, they have to drive to New Mexico.
My friends, controlling government spending isn’t just about Republicans or Democrats, it’s about being able to look your children in the eye. Or, in my case… my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great grandchildren - the youngest of whom are nearing retirement. And tell them: “We have left you the same things we were left: a future free from debt.” As your president, I will guarantee it.
I have the courage, the wisdom, the experience, and, most importantly, the oldness necessary. The oldness it takes to protect America, to honor her, to love her, and tell her about what cute things the cat did.
Thank you, and good night.
[ cut to John McCain slide ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
Goodnights
…..Steve Carell
Steve Carell: Thanks to Usher! Sen. John McCain! Nancy Carell! Ricky Gervais! Young Jeezy! Thanks so much, have a GREAT summer, everybody!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
CPR Training
Thomas….Steve Carrell
Greg….Andy Samberg
Student 1….Kenan Thompson
Student 2….Jason Sudeikis
Student 3….Kristen Wiig
….Usher
[Opens with a building. Cut to a classroom. Thomas is in a white shirt and is teaching a CPR class, a few students are sitting down in front of him. Posters of CPR guidelines are up behind Thomas]
Thomas: All right. Welcome everyone. This is CPR training. It is actually and exciting day because I’m going to be teaching you the new guidelines for CPR. For over 50 years the American Heart Association has recommended mouth-to-mouth. But now they are recommending hands-only CPR as the new life-saving standard. And that’s what we’re going to learn about. So lets just jump right in. Now, my assistant here, Greg, has hopped up here on the table to give you a better view.[Greg is a young guy, he is laying on a gurney] How are you Greg? Comfortable?
Greg: You know it, Thomas.
Thomas: Great. Now Greg here is a former student of mine and now he is a formidable lifeguard at Crown Beach. Maybe you’ve seen him over there.[Silence from the students]Ok, great. Let’s take a look at the proper way to perform the new technique. Now what the AHA recommends to simply push down on the victim’s chest hard and fast. So I’m just gonna put one hand on top of the other like this and I’m gonna start compressing.
[Thomas starts compressing into Greg’s chest]
Greg: You can press harder, Thomas.
Thomas: You sure?
Greg: Yeah, I’m good.
Thomas: Okey-dokey. Now The ideal speed of the compression is about 100 compressions per minute….
Greg: Thomas, you are not gonna hurt me, ok. You can do it right. I’m an adult.
Thomas: Are you sure?
Greg: Yep. I can take it.
Thomas: All right, all right. I’m going to do some very firm compressions here like so….
[Thomas presses harder and Crack! His hands go deep into Greg’s chest cavity. Blood spurts Thomas white shirt. The blood sprays Greg and Thomas everywhere]
Greg: AAAAAAAHHH!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME????!!!
Thomas: Ok, all right. Nobody panic. This is normal, ok.
Greg:[freaking out] What’s going on down there?!
Thomas: Nothing, nothing. It’s fine.
[Thomas pulls out his bloody hands out of Greg’s chest. Students are freaking out]
Thomas: Ok. Looks like we got a little puncture here, got a little blood.
Greg: Oh, God! How’s it look?!
Thomas: Pretty good from where I’m standing. Doesn’t look that bad.
Student 1: Man, where are you standing? That’s bad!
Thomas: Everybody just remain calm. This happens sometimes.
Student 2: Wait, no. When did this happens?
Thomas: It happens! Now, we’re not going to panic. This is fixable. First thing you do in this situation is to gently reach inside the body cavity[Thomas puts his hand deep into Greg’s chest] and you retrieve my wristwatch.
Greg: WHAT?! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Thomas: Hey, quit being a baby.
Greg: I can feel that!!!
Thomas: And I can’t find it.[pulls bloody hand out of Greg’s chest] You know what, you can keep the watch. Ok, he’s losing a lot of blood so I’m going to initiate mouth-to-mouth.
Greg: Wait! I thought mouth-to-mouth has been proven ineffective!
Thomas: Proven by who? Doctors? Scientists? All I’m saying is give it a try. Ok, open wide. Here we go.
[Thomas gives Greg mouth-to-mouth and a bubble pops out of Greg’s chest, probably his lung]
Student 3:[points] That can’t be good.
Greg: THAT HURT!!
Thomas: Ok, a little pain is normal.
[More mouth-to-mouth. Greg pulls away]
Greg: Wait! Stop!, stop! That’s enough, that’s enough. Its over, its over. But its ok.[inspirational music] I’ve had a good life. I graduated from high school.[blood jumps and splashes in Greg’s face during his speech]I worked one summer as a lifeguard. And just recently I found a nickel in a pile of dog turds. So yeah, I think you could say I’ve crossed everything off my bucket list. Goodbye.[he dies]
Thomas: That’s a real shame. In some ways I can’t help but feel responsible.
Student 1: You are responsible!
[Singer Usher enters the classroom]
Usher: We all are responsible. Hi, I’m Usher. CPR can be a lot of fun, but it can kill someone too.
[Usher gives a humble thumbs up and the rest of the class too]
[The more you know NBC.com. NBC logo peacock]
[fade]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
Bless This Child
Dad….Steve Carell
Mom….Kristen Wiig
[Opens with a house at night. Its raining heavily. Cut to a child’s bedroom. A couple is looking into their child’s crib.]
Mom: Its raining pretty hard out. I hope she sleeps ok.
Dad: She’ll be fine sweetheart. We’re right here.
Mom: I know, I know. But I just worry.
Dad: Well, you shouldn’t. Hey, you know what I feel will make you better? Why don’t we say a prayer before she goes to sleep?
Mom: Ok.
Dad: Dear Lord, please watch over our little Jenna tonight and um….
Mom: Bless this child.
Dad: Yes, bless this child.
[Melodic music plays. They pick the baby up.]
Mom:[sings]Bless this child….
Dad:[sings] Keep her safe and harm….
Mom:[sings] And shield her from all harm….
[They both walk to the center of the room with the baby in their arms]
Mom and Dad:[singing]Bless this child, protect her from the storm, till the sun comes up again….Bless this child, fill her dreams with gold…[they carry the baby high up, holding one of each arm of the baby] and make them all come true. Look at us!….we’re a family…[they spin the baby dangerously a few times] one plus one is threeee!
[Melodic music turns into a disco beat]
Mom:[sings] Every fish that’s in the ocean…[wiggles the baby like a fish, passes the baby to the dad]
Dad:[sings]Every angel in the sky….[shakes baby’s arms like wings rapidly]
Mom and Dad:[singing] Every bridge into tomorrow is because of you and I…..[They both grab the baby’s extremities and stretch them like a a bridge] you and I,I,I,I….[Mom and dad make electroboogie dance moves, like a current they pass it through each others bodies including wiggling the baby like a snake] Oh, bless this child! Bless this child![Mom and Dad turn around stretching the baby’s body then they hug crushing the baby with their bodies]
Mom and Dad:[singing. Mom shakes baby with one hand like a maraca] Bless her, bless her, bless her, bless her…[passes the baby to the Dad]Bless this child!, Bless this child!
[Dad throws the baby to the Mom like a football]
[Disco beat changes tempo to melodic]
Mom and Dad:[Singing, holding the baby upside down using one feet each as a microphone] Bless this child, till the morning come….and keep her safe from….
[Music tempo changes again to disco beat]
Mom and Dad:[singing, Mom lowers the baby to the floor and uses it like a rope under Dad’s feet. Dad jumps the baby several times.] Bless, bless, bless, bless, bless, bless…bless this….child!
[Mom throws baby to Dad. Dad catches him with the baby basket.]
[Music ends]
Dad: You know what, honey? I think its time to move on from a doll to a real baby.
Mom: Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you but the doctor called today.
Dad: What? Woo, hoo, hoo! Come here, you! Oh, ha, ha, ha! I’m gonna be a dad!!
[Dad swings Mom around the room like a rag doll, knocking out the light in two lamps, bangs into the shades, the baby’s crib. He keeps spinning her around out of pure joy.]
[Cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel