Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 12

07l: Steve Carell / Usher

A Couple of A-Holes Do Karaoke

Timone…..Kenan Thompson
Peter Pops…..Steve Carell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on sign: “Karaoke Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to Timone singing Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” onstage ]

Timone: That was for you, Anna Nicole Smith — we miss you, baby! [ he pounds his chest ]

[ Peter Popps, the emcee, steps up on stage ]

Peter Pops: Let’s give it up for Timone! so much emotion in that young man every single week! Alright — if you’ve just arrived, I’m your host, Peter Pops. Welcome to Karaoke — and I hope you can carry… a tune. Okie?

Voice: You used that joke last week!

Peter Pops: [ he chuckles ] It’s Random Draw Night, which means it’s not first-come, first-sing. So, next up — and I hope that you are ready — [ he reaches into the fishbowl and pulls out a slip of paper ] And… okay. There’s gum on this. Who did this?

[ cut to the Two A-Holes sitting in their seats chewing gum ]

Male A-Hole: That’s us, bro! [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Ready to sing, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah!

[ Cut to a slide which looks like a karaoke screen with title captions on it ]

Announcer: [ cheerfully ] And now… Two A-Holes do Karaoke.

[ dissolve back to karaoke bar ]

Peter Pops: Alright. Looks like we got a couple first-timers. You know me — I’m Peter Pops. And you are?

Male A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Bored.

Female A-Hole: It’s so stupid in here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do something to make it SUCK less.

Peter Pops: [ chuckles ] Alright, I’m trying. Um — do you have a song that you would like to sing?

Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?

Female A-Hole: Where are our outfits?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where do we change?

Female A-Hole: I won’t wear wool.

Male A-Hole: She’s afraid of sheep.

Peter Pops: Okay. Yeah. No, you don’t change clothes. Have you ever seen karaoke?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know this stuff.

Peter Pops: Okay, good.

Male A-Hole: So where’s the band?

Female A-Hole: I wanna play bongos.

Peter Pops: Nnnnno. no, this is karaoke, there’s no band.

Male A-Hole: Alright, he fired the band, babe.

Peter Pops: No. No. I didn’t fire anybody.

Male A-Hole: Oh, they quit, huh?

Peter Pops: No. No. Nobdy quit. There’s no band.

Male A-Hole: What, are they on strike? Is there a union thing?

Peter Pops: [ aggravated ] There’s no band!

Male A-Hole: Was it a plane crash, like “La Bamba”? Aaliyah? What, too soon?

Peter Pops: No. Alright, now listen to me: there is no band, the music is played from C… Ds.

Male A-Hole: CDs, huh? Like CDs nuts? [ he laughs smugly ]

Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. You need to give me the name of your song, or we’re gonna have to move on to somebody else.

Male A-Hole: [ turns to Female A-Hole ] You ready, babe? [ she looks at him but doesn’t respond ] Ready to do some karry-okes? [ silence as she chews with her mouth open ] You ready to roke it, babe? Get our roke on? [ she continues chewing silently ] Babe? Roke?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yea-ah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re ready.

Peter Pops: O-kay. Well, then what would you like to do?

Male A-Hole: What do you want to do, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna do stand-up.

Male A-Hole: She wants to tell some jokes.

Peter Pops: Okay — no, lady. You’re supposed to sing.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna tell jokes instead. Watch. [ he grabs the microphone and brings it closer ] Hey, babe, what are you afraid of?

Female A-Hole: Sheep.

Male A-Hole: Oh, yeah? What kind of dreams they give ya?

Female A-Hole: Ba-a-a-a-add.

[ people in the crowd begin to laugh ]

Peter Pops: No! Don’t laugh!

Male A-Hole: Yeah, pretty good, huh?

Peter Pops: No, she’s awful, in many ways.

Male A-Hole: You wanna see her impressions?

Peter Pops: I’d rather not.

Male A-Hole: Okay. [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Babe, do a cow eating grass.

Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open ] “Moo.”

Male A-Hole: [ chuckles ] Huh! Boo-yah! Yeah. Now, do Yoda eating grass.

Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open, and raises her hands next to her ears ] “Moo.”

Male A-Hole: Yeah! May the force be with you, babe!

Female A-Hole: And also with you.

Peter Pops: Alright, the two of you are going to have to leave! Next!

Male A-Hole: Uh, no — we’re gonna sing now.

Peter Pops: Oh. Okay. Fine, what’s your song?

Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, don’t worry, she’s got one.

Peter Pops: [ fuming ] What is it?

Male A-Hole: Tell him, babe.

Female A-Hole: Guess.

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess.

Peter Pops: Uh — what? I don’t know. “Baby Got Back”?

Female A-Hole: No.

Male A-Hole: No.

Peter Pops: Uhhh — “Since U Been Gone”?

Female A-Hole: Uh-uh.

Male A-Hole: Wrong.

Peter Pops: “Brown Eyed Girl”?

Female A-Hole: Ew!

Male A-Hole: That song’s gross!

Female A-Hole: It’s about butt sex.

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

Peter Pops: NO!! No, it is NOT about — okay, alright, okay… okay. Um — why am I guessing? Just tell me what the song is!

Female A-Hole: I want to sing “Baby Got Back”.

Peter Pops: [ aghast ] I said that! That’s the first one I said!

Female A-Hole: You said “Baby Got Back”.

Peter Pops: Yeah. So?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] It’s “Baby Got Baaaack“.

Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. Whatever. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen — “Baby Got Back”!

[ Peter Pops steps off stage as the song begins ]

[ the music plays, but the Two A-Holes don’t say a word ]

[ steam blows out of Peter Pops’ ears ]

[ suddenly, Peter Pops jumps onstage and begins blurting out lyrics from “Baby Got Back” ]

Peter Pops: Okay, okay — get out! Get out of here!

Male A-Hole: Okay, let’s go, babe, they’re closing.

Peter Pops: No! No! We are NOT closing! YOU’RE closing! I am closing YOU down! You ruined it! You ruined the ONLY thing that I love! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ to Peter Pops ] You look like Eddie Rabbitt.

Peter Pops: ROT IN HELL!!!

[ Peter Pops runs off stage ]

Male A-Hole: [ chuckling ] Say good night, babe.

Female A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Good night, babe.

[ the crowd cheers for them ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 17th, 2008

Steve Carell

Usher

None

Nancy Walls

Ricky Gervais

Sen. John McCain

Young Jeezy
Pounder School Commencement CeremonySummary: High school principal (Steve Carell) reads off the names of his nastily-named student body.

Montage

Steve Carell’s MonologueSummary: Steve Carell experiences an adrenaline after claiming to have drank six Red Bulls before the show.

First Hosted: 05a.

The Democratic PrimariesSummary: Split-screen features the faces of Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) delivering their messages.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Deal or No DealSummary: Angst-ridden contestant (Steve Carell) endures battle of wits with his dad (Will Forte) as he attempts to win the million dollar prize.

Recurring Characters: Howie Mandel.

A Couple of A-Holes Do KaraokeSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) make mockery of the karaoke circuit.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Ricky Gervais offers a glimpse at “The Japanese Office”.

McCain in OneSummary: Sen. John McCain discusses pork barrels and his age.

Transcript

Usher performs “Moving Mountains”First Performed: 03r.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: John McCain requests that the in-fighting between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton might do well to extend past the election. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) offer words of advice for Barack Obama.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton.

Transcript

The Charlie Flitt ShowSummary: After losing 200 pounds, formerly heavyset Charlie Flitt (Steve Carell) hosts his own talk show and crashes through life-size posters of himself.

CPR TrainingSummary: While demonstrating CPR training on a former student (Andy Samberg), an instructor (Steve Carell) accidentally crushes his chest and kills the guy.

Transcript

Usher, featuring Young Jeezy, performs “Love in This Club, Part 1”

Bless This ChildSummary: Wannabe parents (Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig) sing a lullaby while twirling their baby doll around the nursery.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11


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07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Vlad…..Bill Hader
Niko…..Fred Armisen
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

The state of Israel turned 60 on Thursday, meaning it won’t be long until it moves to Florida.

The price of stamps next week is going up from 41 cents to 42 cents. “Aw, that’s cute.” said oil.

Monday was Cinco de Mayo, the holiday that celebrates the battle of Peublo, in which the outnumbered Mexican army defeated invading French forces by hurling empty Corona bottles at them.

Seth Meyers: This week, congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress, or as it’s known in Washington, the “Trifecta”.

New York’s Edward Cardinal Eagan celebrated mass at St Patrick’s cathedral on Sunday, wearing a new golden globe given to him by Pope Benedict. So, looks like it’s getting pretty serious.

Amy Poehler: Ten fraternity members from Tulane University were arrested after allegedly burning pledges with hot water and pepper spray during a hell-night initiation. On the up side, the hazing led to the capture of two Al-Queda operatives.

Seth Meyers: Last week, Rock Star games released Grand Theft Auto 4; a violent video game set in Liberty City. The game has sold over 6 million copies and won praise from critics and gamers alike. The only ones unhappy with the game are residents of Liberty City, who say it presents an unfair image of their home town. Here now are two of those residents, Vlad and Niko.

[Vlad and Niko slide over]

Both: What are you looking at? What are you looking at? [They float their hands like digitalized video game characters would]

Seth Meyers: So… you guys, if I’m not mistaken, you guys are upset by the way your city is portrayed in Grand Theft Auto?

[They both talk in same voice pattern, like digitalized characters would]

Niko: Yes! It’s completely unrealistic.

Vlad: People see this game and think all we do is beat eachother!

[his fist hits his other hand, slowly like a video game character would]

Seth Meyers: Well, um, is their any truth to that?

Both: Shut up! Shut up!

Vlad: I will beat you! And kill you!

Seth Meyers: Guys, I do gotta be honest, you two do seem pretty aggressive.

Niko: I apologize! We just hear so much criticism about our city, and it makes us defensive.

Vlad: We are very sensitive.

[Vlad’s arm hits Niko’s arm]

Niko: Hey! Watch your arm!

Vlad: You watch your arm!

[They punch each other, as if in slow-motion]

Vlad: I will beat you!

Niko: I will kill you!

Vlad: Kill you!

Niko: Beat you!

Amy Poehler: Okay, guys! Guys! Guys! Take it easy! Take it easy!

Vlad: Heyy! Pretty, pretty lady!

Niko: Heyy!

Both: Mmmm, why, hello!

Seth Meyers: Hey, guys! Leave her alone, guys.

Amy Poehler: Hey, Seth, I can take this, thank you. You know, guys, I’ve never been to Liberty City, maybe you could give me a tour.

Niko: Great! Follow the yellow line to Roman’s ware house!

Seth Meyers: Vlad and Niko, everybody!

[applause]

Both: Shut up!

Amy Poehler: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, according to five recent voice messages from my mother. But, if you still haven’t gotten your mom flowers or anything, you still have… oh no… wait… 12:30, you blew it.

Three teenagers were arrested, after they dug up a secluded grave, north of Houston, removed the skull from its grave, and converted it into a bomb. Then one of the teen said, “Oh wait, I do have papers!”

Seth Meyers: The national average price for gasoline has risen close to fifteen cents, in the last two weeks, meaning that if gas gets any more expensive, rappers will start to drink it.

Hillary Andrews, a former Weather Channel anchor-woman, has won a sexual harassment charge, against Bob Stokes, her male co-anchor, who she accused him of repeatedly asking her about her sex life, and saying crude remarks, such as “Will you lick my swizzle stick?”

Amy Poehler: Ugh, that’s just awful.

Seth Meyers: I know! He could have done so much better!

Amy Poehler: Oh know.

Seth Meyers: Hey, pretty lady, check out this area of high pressure, in m’pants!

Amy Poehler: That’s not what I meant.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, too late. This just in, the national weather service has issued a boner advisory, under my desk!

Amy Poehler: Your not even trying!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I’m going to try now. The forecast tonight in Amy Town, is a forty percent chance of ding-dongs!

Amy Poehler: Okay, now I’m turned on.

[They give high-five]

Seth Meyers: Yeah, sexy, right?

Amy Poehler: Ding-dongs?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, only forty percent chance.

Amy Poehler: Only forty percent chance of ding-dongs? I’ll take those odds!

The rock group, The Police, who will end their world-wide reunion tour this summer, announced Tuesday, plans to donate one million dollars to Mayor Bloomberg’s efforts to plant trees in the city. “Hold on, we’re giving one million dollars?” said the two Police who aren’t Sting.

Seth Meyers: According to researchers, the type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually provide some protection against diabetes, though it more than triples your chance of contracting sir mix-a-lot.

An online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy memorial and human rights activist groups, is selling tea with Alan Greenspan for $11,000. Or, for $12,000, you can have the tea alone.

Amy Poehler: You know, Seth, they say that comedy is the universal language, and no one speaks it better than the number one Def Jam comedian in Europe, and the host of Def Jam international. Please welcome Jean K. Jean.

Jean K. Jean: Whoo hoo! Alright! Well, well! Bonjour, Amy! Bon to the jour, Seth!

Amy Poehler: Hey! Hello, Jean, it’s great to see you back in the states!

Jean K. Jean: It’s good to be back, Amy! I love it here in America! Y’all putting ice in your drinks! It’s crazy! Boy, it’s tough over in Europe right now. Price of Petro is going up! Whoo! I can’t even get on the autobomb without feeling like I’m going to the poor house! 1.32 euros a liter! A euro 32?!? For a liter?!? Bitch, for that kind of money I can fill up my side cabriolle with peno nur war! Zut da lour!

[hip hop music starts up until Jean sweeps his hand over his neck, and it stops]

Jean K. Jean: In creoble. Hey, I was watching the television in my hostile the other day, and I’ll tell you one thing: Kids today have got a million cartoon characters to choose from! Spongebob, Transformers, Dora The Exploree! Man, when I was growing up, all we had was Astrics of Dawn. Y’all remember watching astrics on Saturday morning? Yo mama, he could play some music! I’d be watching Astrics all day long! And Astrics was a pimp, too, right? Brothers would come up all on him, and be like “Bitch, I’m from Gawn. I’ll defend your ass to Gawatawni!” Zut da lour!

[hip hop music starts, while Jean gets up and starts dancing. Music cuts to an end]

Jean K. Jean: In creoble! Yeah, I was out on a date last night. I ordered up some Frau Grau. Man, brothers be eating up some Frau Grau! You eat Frau Grau, brothers be coming out of the woods, “Bam! Who’s ass has some Frau Grau over there?” And my lady friend said that eating it was inhumane. Inhumane? Bitch, put it on a cracker! Zut da lour!

[hip hop music stars, while Jean gets up and starts dancing]

Jean K. Jean: Zut da lour!

Amy Poehler: Okay, Jean K. Jean, everybody! Happy 30th birthday, Jean K. Jean! Happy 30th birthday, Jean K. Jean!

Seth Meyers: Whoo, in creoble, in creoble!

Amy Winehouse was arrested Wednesday in connection with a video, that shows her doing drugs at a party. Winehouse could be looking at real jail time, under England’s harsh bizillionth strike law.

Sweedish auto-maker, Saab admitted this week that for certain tests, they used human cadavers as crash test dumbies. Worse, they weren’t cadavers before the test!

Amy Poehler: After six years of delays, the jury selection is set to begin on Friday in R. Kelly’s child porn case. Said R. Kelly, “Six years? That sounds sexy.”

Producers of the hit show, Ugly Betty, are in talks to relocate production of the show, to New York City, where it is set. Which is odd, because I thought it was set on a gay spaceship.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!

Both: Goodnight!

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

The Suze Orman Show

Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Josiah from Miami…..Shia LeBeouf

Announcer: It’s “The Suze Orman Show”.

Suze Orman: Welcome back, my friends. Now… before we get started… I need to answer a VERY important question I have been asked ALL month long… and yesterday… while I was at a playdate… for… my cat. “Suze: how do you keep your highlighted wedge haircut looking so full of volume… at… the root?” Well, my dear friends, this lady is about to spill… the beauty… beans. Twice a month, I borrow my friend’s speedboat and go 180 miles an hour, all the way around Mexico… to California. Then, I buy a compact car and drive… directly… to Pam & Jan’s female-specific barber shop and color house… in Phoenix, Arizona. [ show photo ] And that… is… Pam… and… Jan.

Moving on. Now, a lot of you have gotten something in the mail… this month… that looks… just… like this. [ holds up Treasury check ] Looks familiar, my dears? It’s your economic stimulus check, and Uncle Sam… wants you… to blow it… full-tilt — boom! I know you’re probably thinking I’m gonna tell you to take that check… put it in a rusty Sucrest tin… and hide it in a hatbox that is meant to look old, but is new, and you got it at TJ Max! Ohhhh, no! Listen, my sweet dearies… I’m gonna say something… that I have never… said before — and it is not “I love the smell of a man.” It is… go ahead and spend this money… on whatever you like. I did. I bought this: [ grabs at her jacket collar ] not the jacket, just the snap-on collar. [ she removes the collar ] I can add it on to any jacket… or even my evening loungewear robe, which, in essence, is… a Western… chenille-style… floor-length jacket.

Now, we have time for one guest today, and I am very excited to meet him. Joasiah? How are you… my luscious… sweet… dipsy doodle?

Josiah from Miami: I’m not so freakin’ good.

Suze Orman: Okay, boyfriend… lay it on me like a lead X-ray bib… at… the dentist.

Josiah from Miami: Okay. I live in Miami. I’m a clu — I’m an owner of a nightclub/sensual buffett called Regrets. And, let’s just say it’s not as packed as it used to be, Suze.

Suze Orman: [ grinning ear to ear ] That, my friends, is what she said!

Josiah from Miami: That’s a good one… that’s a good one. Anyway, I got my stimulus check — I can’t decide if I should boost morale, give my employees bonuses, or get a five-o’clock shadow tattooed to my face.

Suze Orman: Okay, Josiah — hold your hot dog, ’cause here comes… a scoop… of chili-cheese… advice. Many years ago, I lived in Miami and [ makes quote signs ] “shared expenses” with a girl named Bert. She was the spitting image of Military Elvis, so I know alllll about how hard it is to keep up with… the beautiful people… of Miami. So… to that, I say YES to the face tattoo. Not many people know this… but I’ve got a tattoo of decorative buttons going down my chest, so, no matter what, I look like I’m always… wearing… a jacket!

Josiah from Miami: Well, thank you, Suze. And, listen: if you’re ever in Miami, come over to Regrets; I’ll introduce you to my Mom, she’s a Fonzie impersonator.

Suze Orman: Sorry, Josiah… but I am spoken for… so tell your mom… to “sit on it”! [ she laughs ]

Josiah from Miami: You’re good with the money… you’re good with the funny, you old nut bag!

Suze Orman: Well… that’s all for this week, my sweet lover angels. I’m going to leave you with a few money-saving tips… just for the ladies… that I… cannot… live without.

#1: Don’t waste your money on expensive self-tanners. Do what I do: sit in a bath tub with twelve beef bullion cubes… overnight.

#2: You need a hot stone massage? Don’t go to the parlor. Slather on some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter… and roll around on a gravel driveway.

And, finally: instead of buying fancy maxi-pads… you… can make… your own. Go to the Dollar Store… buy a twenty-four pack of baby socks… and… some double-sided tape.

Tune in next week, and, in the meantime, remember: people first… then money… then things. Then, homemade maxi-pads.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

Scared Straight

Officer….Jason Sudeikis
McIntosh….Kenan Thompson
Boy 1….Shia Lebeouf
Boy 2….Andy Samberg
Boy 3….Bill Hader

[Opens with a shot of a police station. Three young kids are sitting in front of a police officer]

Officer: Ok, now seeing that this is a first offense I’m going to let you boys off with a warning. But if I ever catch you shoplifting again from the Game Stop, you’re going to be back here for a little sleepover in a prison cell. You got it?

3 Boys: Yes, officer.

Officer: Well, you might think that this is one big joke but its not. So that’s why I invited a representative from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you kids. He’s an inmate over at Larchmont Maximum Security Prison. He’s here to warn you about the dangers of criminal lifestyle. McIntosh!, you want to come in here!

[A black inmate in a brown prison uniform with a black glove and do rag enters the room. He shakes hands with the officer]

McIntosh: What’s up, chief?[He stands in front of the kids] All right. Ok, party’s over! Now on your FEET![the kids get up] Now sit DOWN![they sit down]I said on your FEET![they get up again] Wh–Sit your ass DOWN![they sit down]. My name is Lorenzo McIntosh. My friends call me Mack Attack but guess what? That don’t matter cause you ain’t my FRIENDS! Now let me see what you in for. Let me take a look.[picks up the police file]

Officer: No, no, no.[takes the police file from McIntosh] You’re not allowed to look at that.

[McIntosh holds his palms up]

McIntosh: Oh, ok, my bad. Rules are rules. I get it.

Officer: Yeah, we caught these smart alecks shoplifting at the mall.

McIntosh: Stealing, huh? Oh, I’ve been down that road. You name it–I stole it. Cookies, hats, newspapers, baby food, hats, newspapers, hats. Yeah, it starts with stealing but let me tell you where it ends. Murder!

Boy 1: We weren’t gonna murder anyone.

[McIntosh grabs kid 1 violently]

McIntosh: Hey boy! Close your damn MOUTH! You know what I’ve been through?! You see this?[points to a not so believable scar on his cheek]Take a good look! Cause this is REAL!

Boy 2: Did you draw that on with a sharpie?

[McIntosh is outraged like a bastard. Grabs kid 2 by the shoulders]

McIntosh: HEY! Boy, you keep on that attitude and you’re gonna end up in PRISON! And the only thing they gonna draw on your face is an arrow pointed at your mouth and a sign that says, deposit HERE!

Officer: Hey, no, no, no. You can’t get that graphic with the kids. Ok?

[McIntosh backs off, palms up]

McIntosh: Oh, hey, I’ll play the game, chief. You just gotta tell me the rules. Now, what they steal?

[Officer gives McIntosh a videogame]

Officer: Right here. Grand Theft Auto.

McIntosh: Grand theft Auto. What you think that’s fun? Um? Stealing cars?

Officer: No, they didn’t actually steal a car…

McIntosh: Let me tell you something. I’ve been there. I stole a car. I stole two cars. Pretty soon I had to steal 50 cars in one night otherwise the Russians were gonna shoot my brother dead in the street! Is that what you want?! A dead brother cause this here is REAL!!

Boy 3: Isn’t that the plot of “Gone in 60 Seconds”?

[McIntosh gives the videogame to the Officer. He punches his fist into his hands, walks up and down mad as hell]

McIntosh: Whooo! Whooo! Oh, man![gets right in kid’s 3 face] You gonna be in a cemetery in about 60 seconds BOY! And don’t think that being dead will save you from the other stuff. I know plenty of dudes that will do it with a dead guy!

Officer: Hey, no, no, no McIntosh. Take it easy, just take it easy, all right?

[McIntosh backs off, palms up]

McIntosh: Hey, I’ll take it easy, chief. I’ll put it right on cruise control. You just have to tell me when the exits coming, all right? [gets close on boy 1] You got some friends Tom Sawyer? Huh? Um, you’re Mr. Popular? Mr. Popular?

Boy 1: So what?

McIntosh: So what?

Boy 1: I got friends.

McIntosh: What? You think I didn’t have friends? I had a great bunch of friends. And then one day our dads couldn’t pay the bills and the bank was going to take our homes so we had to search for a private treasure in an underground cave, all right! Pretty soon we were dealing with a Baby-Ruth-eating sloth and a whole mess of booby traps from one-eyed Willie! All right! Is that what you want?! Man, my Korean friend Dada almost died! Cause this here is REAL!

Boy 2: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of “Goonies”.

[McIntosh sees red. He gets close to boy 2]

McIntosh: I got a plot for you, JUNIOR! You smart off I’m gonna pull your face out your BUTT! Roll the credits!

Officer: No, no, no, no McIntosh. You cannot threaten the kids.

[McIntosh backs off, palms up]

McIntosh: Oh, hey man. I will drive this train whatever you want to, chief. You just gotta laid out the tracks, all right. Who’s the ringleader?[Boy 2 and 3 point to Boy 1. McIntosh stands him up roughly]Well, well, well, you the boss, huh? Big boss man, huh? Yeah, I used to be the big boss too. And then Bam! Bullet right to the head. And guess what? Two of my employees show up and they got to prop my body up and make it look like I’m still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they want to enjoy a weekend at my summer house! Is that what you want?! Guys dragging your dead body around to beach parties? Cause this here is REAL!

Boy 3: Ok, that’s definitely “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

[McIntosh is furious. Gets very close to boy 3, puts his fist up to his face]

McIntosh: Hey! Boy, I said close your damn MOUTH! The only Bernie you gonna meet is my cellmate Bernie! And he’s gonna spend his weekend hosting a beach party IN YOUR ASS!!

Officer: Ok, come on.

[McIntosh backs off. Palms up]

McIntosh: What? Was that too far?

Officer: Yeah.

McIntosh: Yeah, that was way too far.

Officer: Yeah, we got to let this kids go.

McIntosh: Yeah, I got to go somewhere too. Just remember, you wanna steal? They gonna steal your life! You wanna smoke weed? Somebody’s gonna smoke YOU! You wanna gangbang? You gonna get gangbanged a whole bunch of times! Sometimes 10, 20 guys in a row, rotating through you like a carousel! There ain’t gonna be no grease! There ain’t gonna be NO GREASE!

Officer: McIntosh!

[McIntosh backs off]

McIntosh: All right, I’m out.[walks away, points to the kids as he goes] There ain’t gonna be no grease.

Officer: They get it.

[Boy 3 begins clapping. Boy 1 and 2 look at him, he stops clapping]

Boy 3: Sorry.

Officer: So, you kids learned your lesson?

[The trio nod their heads no]

Officer: Yeah, I feel that.

[Car engine revs, tires screech]

Boy 1: Wait a minute. Is he driving himself to prison?

Officer:[looks out the window] Oh, no, no, no, no. He’s just stealing my car. That’s all it is.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Shia Labeouf

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Let me tell ya ’bout a look I know
From San Diego down to Mexico
It’s top secret and it’s just for the gents
So button up your shirt and drop your pants

Dress Shirt, black socks
boo da boo boo (?)
Take off your underpants
P Loafs, Pale stems
You’re looking good, the best look in the world!

Classy garters are a fashion touch
Kids and bitches(?) peek-a-boo its your nuts
Your lower body cavs got to show
Sport sandals are optional

Sun block, UV shades
Your jimmy cap is crownin like a newborn
Toned calves, cool attitude
The soft breeze is ticklin your knee-bend
Donald Duck strut, ladies look(?)
It’s cuz you got, the best look in the world!

Dads have got the look
Husbands have got the look
Cops they’ve got the look
Illiterate genies have got the look

Liver spots, flank steak thighs(?)
Here it comes, the best look in the world.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

Shia LaBeouf’s Monologue

…..Shia LaBeouf
Man in Audience…..Jason Sudeikis
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Short Round…..Amy Poehler
Major Toht…..Will Forte

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Shia LaBeouf!

(cheers and applause)

Shia LaBeouf: Okay! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s really awesome to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live again. As some of you might know, I’m lucky enough to have a role in the new “Indiana Jones” movie, which is absolutely a dream come true. [ audience cheers ] It’s called “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Now, there have been a lot of rumors on the Internet about the plot, but I am sworn to secrecy. All I can tell you is that it stars Harrison Ford as a white male between the ages of 10 and 100, and that’s it. So, I can take questions, but nothing else about the movie, okay?

Man in Audience: [ raises hand ] Hey, how’s the movie end?

Shia LaBeouf: I obviously can’t tell you that.

Man in Audience: Okay, okay, all right. What if I guessed the ending? Would you tell me if I’m right?

Shia LaBeouf: Yeah, sure. I mean, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have been working on this ending for 15 years, but go ahead. Guess away.

Man in Audience: Okay. Well, I have no idea who they are, but let me give it a shot. Okay, I think you’re actually the son of Indiana Jones.

Shia LaBeouf: Uh-huh.

Man in Audience: Yeah, and you’ve got a cryptic tattoo on your back that reveals the location of the crystal skull, but it turns out “crystal skull” is actually an anagram for “All our sky cults,” which refers to an ancient secret society living in a magical cloud city.

Shia LaBeouf: [ nervous ] Um…we’re going to stop playing this game now, okay? We’re wasting everyone’s time. Ah, we’re going to leave it a secret. The ending’s a secret. We’ll leave it at that.

Sean Connery: [ enters ] Well, well, well. I got a question for ya. [ audience cheers ] I got a question for ya, LaBeouf.

Shia LaBeouf: Mm?

Sean Connery: Why did they send a boy to do a man’s job?

Shia LaBeouf: Unfortunately, Mr. Connery won’t be joining us in the latest Indiana Jones adventure.

Sean Connery: Ah, well, not until you and your elk apologize.

Shia LaBeouf: Mr. Connery, I’ve already told you a million times; I had nothing to do with your face being left off “The Last Crusade” lunch box, okay? I was four years old when that happened.

Sean Connery: Well, you understand my chagrin. It’s just about the only box my face hasn’t been on! Hahahahahaha! [ audience cheers ] Pow!

Shia LaBeouf: Okay. So, yeah, there’s no Sean Connery. But I think everyone else is back.

Short Round: [ enters ] Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones! They…they forgot me too! Why didn’t you cast Shorty?

Shia LaBeouf: Yeah, well, I don’t think it makes a whole lot of sense for your character to be in this movie, Shorty.

Short Round: So what? I got range! I could play soldier. [ marches] I could play monster. [ does a scary pose ] I could even play Indiana Jones! You throw me idol; I throw you whip!

Shia LaBeouf: …Right! So Shorty’s not in the movie, but otherwise, we’ve got all your favorites.

Major Toht: [ enters with melted face ] I guess I didn’t make ze cut.

Shia LaBeouf: Oh my God! Oh my God, you’re that Nazi whose face melted when you looked at the Covenant.

Major Toht: Ah, vhat gave me avay? [ hold up scarred hand ]

Shia LaBeouf: Well, what are you up to now?

Major Toht: Vell, still acting. Although zese days, it’s mostly voiceovers.

Shia LaBeouf: I’m sorry about that. [ looks at others ] I’m sorry none of you are in the new movie. But look, we should all be excited. We’re all part of the Indiana Jones legacy. Right? [ gestures to Toht ] I mean, you’re in the first one. [ gestures to Shorty ] You’re in the second. [ gestures to Sean ] You’re in the third. I’m in the one where Indiana Jones dies- [ looks panicked ] Oh my God…

Short Round: Wow, you screwed that up, lady!

Sean Connery: Yeah, you messed that up worse than this guy’s face! [ jerks thumb at Toht ] Hahahahahaha!

Short Round: Hahahahaha!

Sean Connery: Pow!

Shia LaBeouf: Okay! Listen, that doesn’t leave this room, alright? We have a great show — My Morning Jacket is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Short Round does a high-kick in the air ]

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

It’s A Match

Pam Sumpter…..Amy Poehler
Steven Nielsen Perry…..Fred Armisen
Sarah Annette Boob…..Casey Wilson
Nancy Nan George…..Kristen Wiig
Chipsey Boday…..Kenan Thompson
Dirk Densten…..Shia LeBeouf
Detective…..Bill Hader

[ open on bouncy “Match Game” style music and graphics ]

Announcer: Get ready to match the staaaaars!

[ show Pam Sumpter (a Brett Somers spoof) inside graphics ]

…Pam Sumpter!

[ show Steven Nielsen Perry (a Paul Lynde/Charles Nelson Reilly spoof) playing with his ascot inside graphics ]

…Steven Nielsen Perry!

[ show Sarah Annette Boob (a Debralee Scott spoof) covering her eye playfully inside graphics ]

…Sarah Annette Boob!

[ show Nancy Nan George (a Marcia Wallace spoof) choking on mouth spray inside graphics ]

…Nancy Nan George!

[ show Chipsey Boday a Nipsey Russell spoof) patting his afro inside graphics ]

…Chipsey Boday!

[ show Dirk Densten (a Doug Henning spoof) magically making a bouquet of flowers appear inside graphics ]

…and, Master of Illusion, Dirk Densten!

[ show title graphics over set ]

…as we play the star-studded, big-money game: It’s A Match!

And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!

[ the set door rises, but no emcee appears ]

Announcer: And now, here’s your host: Guy Lang!

[ no emcee appears, but a woman’s voice can be heard backstage as the celebrity panelists grimace ]

Woman’s Voice: Oh, nooooo!! Oh, my God! Aaaggggghhhhh!!!

[ a trenchcoat detective with an early 1970’s Gene Rayburn-style haircut enters the set from the emcee door ]

Detective: Sorry to interrupt the show. Detective Rob Perkins, from the Burbank Police Department. It appears that Guy Lang has been murdered in his dressing room.

[ Sarah Annette gasps, as Pat and Steven chuckle amongst themselves ]

Dirk Densten: Oh, my word! Life is full of surprises! [ he grabs three magic rings and makes an unsuccessful attempt to link them together ] Thank you…

Detective: Sir, please — Guy Lang is DEAD!

Pat Sumnter: Not as dead as Steven’s pool party last night! [ she sips her booze while laughing, then holds up two cards with horns drawn up to her ears ]

Steven Neilsen Perry: [ shaking with nervous laughter through clenched teeth ] The only thing dead ay MY party was the salisbury stea-ea-ea-eakkk!

[ Pat claps her hands and smacks Steven across the back ]

Detective: All kidding aside, a man’s been murdered here. I’m afraid I can’t let any of you go until you’ve answered a couple of questions. What were each of you doing at 2:30 this afternoon?

[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective ]

[ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]

Detective: [ he shrugs at this reaction ] Uh… Pam?

Pat Sumnter: I do it everyday at 2:30, whether I’m with someone or not. It’s “Making Whoopie”!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: I also said “Making Whoopee” with my very desirable wi-i-i-i-ife!

[ bell dings ]

Sarah Annette Boob: I was eating pound cake, and crying on my waterbed!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Nancy Nan George: I said “Making Whoopie in the Kitchen”, Rob — but, like everything I make in the kitchen, I ruined it. [ she tosses her card away ]

[ bell dings ]

Chipsey Boday: “Makin’ Whoopie” is what I wanted to write / Because that’s what I was doin’ all night. But my wife’s out of town / And I knew she would frown / So I wrote: “Getting My Hair Done.”

[ buzzer sounds ]

Dirk Densten: I seem to have lost my cards. Would you mind checking your inside coat pocket?

Detective: [ he relunctantly checks inaside his coat and pulls out Doug’s card ] Okay, “Making Whoopie”. Alright. [ Doug waves ] Very good. Alright. I need to remind everyoe that this is a murder investigation. I need answers! Where was the last place you saw Mr. Lang?

[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective once again ]

[ suddenly, the “Think” music pots up, and the celebrity panelists again quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]

Detective: [ he shrugs again ] Pam.

Pam Sumpter: I said “In Steven’s Bedroom”.

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Hey-ey-ey-ey!

Detective: Nancy Nan?

Nancy Nan George: I thought I saw him at a whore house, but then I realzied it was “Steven’s Boudior”.

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Excuse me! I’m ha-appily ma-a-arrie-ied!

Detective: Sarah Annette?

Sarah Annette Boob: The same place I auditioned for this show! “Steven’s Bedroom”!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I ho-ope my wife’s not wa-a-atching-g-g!!

Detective: Chipsey.

Chipsey Boday: “Steven’s Bedroom”! Over one million served!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I have chi-i-i-ldre-en!!

Detective: Steven.

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ a beat ] “In My Bedroom”!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: I have a secret li-i-ife!

Chipsey Boday: Oh, it’s no secret!

Fellow Panelists: Chipsey!! Chipsey!! [ they ball up their blue cards and throw them at him while laughing ]

Detective: Hey! Hey! I know you’re all a bunch of rum-soaked, oversexed, washouts. Okay?

Nancy Nan George: Thank you for noticing!

[ bell dings ]

[ a bodybag is wheeled forward ]

Detective: Your long-time host has been brutally murdered! Don’t you get it? He’s inside this bodybag! [ looks at the panel ] Hey! Where’d the little magic guy go?

[ Dirk Densten pops out from under the bodybag ]

Dirk Densten: I’ve been in here, through the power… of MAGIC!!

[ the panelists applaud his trick ]

Detective: Okay. [ chuckles ] I gotta give it to you — that was a pretty neat trick.

Dirk Densten: Uh, it wasn’t. It’s pretty gross. There’s actually a dead body in here.

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] How dead is he-e-e-e?!

Panelists: Steven!!

[ end music pots up ]

[ title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf
Scott…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
The dildo in Merrill’s backpack was a gadget for his buddy!
MacGruber!
He’s totally hetero, and gets all kinds of poontang!
MacGruber!
Thank God my son won’t burn in Hell!

[CUT to MacGruber and his son, Merrill, standing against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to angel dust production lab at night. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Angel Dust Production Lab.” CUT to a sign marked “A.D.P.L. Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! The door’s padlocked from the outside!

Vicky: There’s more, Macgruber — this C4 explosive is set to blow in twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Calm down, we are gonna be ju — [ looks across the room ] What is he doing here?

[ Scott enters the scene ]

Merrill: You guys remember Scott, right?

MacGruber: Yeah… I do.

Merrill: Dad, Scott is merely a platonic friend. [ Scott rubs his finger over Merrill’s clothes ] Scott, stop tickling me!

MacGruber: Do we really need Scott here?

Merrill: Relax, okay? [ nudges Vicky’s breast ] Vicky and I are still very much an item.

MacGruber: [ unconvinced ] Really?

Merrill: In fact, I’m having a really hard time concentrating right now… because all I keep thinking about is her chest… and her fanny… and her… womb.

MacGruber: [ smiles sarcastically ] Oh. That sounds very convincing.

Merrill: What do I have to do to prove it to you — kiss her?

MacGruber: Yeah! I do want to see you kiss her!

Merrill: Fine. [ turns to Scott ] Scott, you be Vicky for a second —

MacGruber: No, no, no, no!! Let’s let Vicky be Vicky.

[ Scott shrugs ]

Merrill: Fine. [ to Vicky ] Come here, you. [ Vicky pats her hair expectantly ] This going to be really romantic.

[ Merrill closes his lips onto Vicky’s, then spews vomit on her face at the moment of impact ]

[CUT to the production lab exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Merrill…..Shia LaBeouf

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He sent Merrill to a camp, where they turned him back to normal!
MacGruber!
Merrill harbors no bad feelings, ’cause he knows he did a bad thing!
MacGruber!
He’s batting for the right team now!

[CUT to Merrill staring at a long-haired dude’s ass, as MacGruber steps forwrd and they pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a rebel training camp tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Rebel Training Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Rebel Training Camp Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] The door won’t budge, MacGruber! And, by the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly TWENTY seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, calm down! If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last two months, it’s that you can do — [ glances at Merrill ] or undo — anything, if you set your mind to it!

Merrill: [ muttering to himself ] Freakin’ dick..

MacGruber: [ defensive ] What’s that, Merrill?

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that thumbtack!

Vicky: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! Leviticus 18:22!

Merrill: “Thou shal not lie with mankind, as with womankind.”

MacGruber: Vicky! Hand me that shoelace!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! What’s your favorite thing about a woman?

Merrill: [ half-heartedly ] The vagina, MacGruber…

MacGruber: Don’t forget the breasts. Vicky! Hand me that copper filament!

Merrill: [sighs] Screw this.

MacGruber: Look, where do you think you’re going?

Merrill: Well, you’re not letting me do anything anyways, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [grabbing at Merrill’s bag] Hold on there, mister!

[ Merrill’s bag falls to the floor, as something begins to rattle along the floor ]

[ Vicky turns away at the sight, as Merrill whistles nonchalantly ]

[ MacGruber watches as a pixellated dildo rotating counter-clockwise around the floor ]

[ MacGruber holds a look of shock on his face ]

[CUT to the training camp exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts