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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

O.J. Simpson Jury Selection

Judge Jackie Glass…..Casey Wilson
O.J. Simpson…..Kenan Thompson
Gabriel Grasso…..Bill Hader
Juror #1…..Will Forte
Juror #2…..James Franco
Juror #3…..Fred Armisen
Juror #4…..Kristen Wiig
Professor Davenport…..Bobby Moynihan
Juror $5…..Andy Samberg
Juror #6…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, courthouse ]

[ SUPER: “Jury Selection, O.J. Simpson Robbery Trial, September 12, 2008” ]

[ sound effect: gavel banging ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Judge Jackie Glass: Now, Counselor! It — it wasn’t easy, but after a three-month search and thousands of interviews, we were finally able to collect twelve unbiased jurors. These men and women have NO knowledge of O.J. Simpson or the past events of his life.

Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor, I find that hard to believe. I’d like to question these potential jurors one last time.

[ O.J. pats him on the back as he rises ]

Judge Jackie Glass: Very well, Counselor.

Gabriel Grasso: Juror #1: how is it possible that you’ve “never” heard of O.J. Simpson?

Juror #1: Well, as I explained… I just awoke from a 22-year coma, and… was driven directly from the hospital to this courthouse.

Gabriel Grasso: [ smiles ] Very well! He’s acceptable, Your Honor. [ she nods ]

Juror #1: Is there any way I can see my family?

Gabriel Grasso: After the trial. Juror #2: please state your name.

Juror #2: Uhhh… I can’t remember… they told me I was in an accident…

Gabriel Grasso: Do you remember anything?

Juror #2: Yeah. I remember thinking… “Hey, it’s hot out here… I’d better take off this hardhat to cool off…” And then there was a whooshing sound… like a box of wrenches falling through the air. Then, blackness… and when I woke up I was in this jury box.

Gabriel Grasso: So, you have no knowledge of O.J. Simpson?

Juror #2: [ alarmed ] Oh, my God!! Am I O.J. Simpson?!! Am I that horrible murderer?!!

Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor!!

Judge Jackie Glass: Juror #2, you’re dismissed!

Juror #2: Seriously, though: AM I?!!!

Gabriel Grasso: [ annoyed ] NO! Juror #3: it says here that you were locked inside a bomb shelter from 1967 until this morning.

Juror #3: [ still dressed in 1967-era fashions ] That’s correct.

Gabriel Grasso: Great! Now… have you ever heard of O.J. Simpson?

Juror #3: O.J. Simpson… wait! Yes, isn’t he that running back from USC who won the Heisman Trophy?

[ O.J. waves a thumbs-up ]

Gabriel Grasso: He sure is!

Juror #3: [ cheerfully ] And he murdered that lady, right?

[ O.J. shrugs disappointedly ]

Gabriel Grasso: Come on!!! I thought you were in a bomb shelter?!

Juror #3: Well, yeah, but he’s O.J.!

Judge Jackie Glass: Dismissed!

Gabriel Grasso: Alright. Juror #4?

[a woman with wild, frizzy hair responds by making weird grunting noises ]

Gabriel Grasso: [ confused ] Your Honor…?

[ a man seated behind Juror #4 rises. He brandishes a pipe in one hand. ]

Professor Davenport: Perhaps I can explain. My name is Professor Davenport, and I just discovered this woman in the Arctic tundra. She was raised by wolves and has no knowledge of human language or culture.

Gabriel Grasso: [ he smiles ] Excellent!

[ Juror #4 barks ferociously ]

Gabriel Grasso: Wait… what does that barking mean?

Professor Davenport: It means she smells a murderer.

O.J. Simpson: Ohhhh, man!

Judge Jackie Glass: Dismissed.

Gabriel Grasso: Juror #5, uh, where are you from, originally?

Juror #5: [ a space alien ] Zorbanos. It’s a gaseous planet near the Hexadron Galaxy.

Gabriel Grasso: Have you ever visited Earth before?

Juror #5: No.

Gabriel Grasso: So, twenty minutes ago, you landed on the steps of this courthouse, and you entered the building without speaking to anyone?

Juror #5: Yes.

Gabriel Grasso: Perfect! Now, out of curiosity, why did you come to Earth?

Juror #5: I was sent here to stop O.J. Simpson from murdering those people. I’m not too late, am I?

Gabriel Grasso: Your Honor!

[ the man seated next to him, with long white hair, turns to face him ]

Juror #6: Hey, Space Dude, you’re WAY too late! He did it, like, TEN years ago!

Gabriel Grasso: Hey! I — I thought you were stranded on a desert island?

Juror #6: I was! But this book washed up on shore. [ he holds up a copy of “If I Did It” ]

O.J. Simpson: [ chuckling ] Hey, man! That’s my book: “I Did It”!

Juror #6: [ looks at the cover ] Don’t you mean, “IF I Did It”?

O.J. Simpson: Yeahhh, something like that.

Judge Jackie Glass: Alright, Counselor. We’re adjourned. We’ll try this again tomorrow.

[ she slams her gavel and closes the session ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

James Franco’s Monologue

…..James Franco
Ken Wo…..?
Craig the R.A……Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. It’s great to be hosting “SNL”, here in New York City. I actually live here now. [ the audience cheers ] Some of you may have read, I just enrolled as a student at Columbia University. And… well, I wanted a break from Hollywood, and… just, you know, have the regular college experience. So, for now, I’m not movie star James Franco; I’m just new Columbia student James Franco… the movie star. I’m like any other kid on campus. See, here’s my I.D. — everyone looks bad in these pictures.

[ cut to Franco’s I.D., in which he’s posed as though on the cover of a gossip magazine ]

James Franco: I got a great roommate, named Ken Wo. He’s a Bio-chem major. He’s here tonight.

[ cut to Ken Wo seated in the audience; he waves shyly ]

James Franco: You know, we have our arguments… he, you know, prints out homework while I’m trying to sleep, and I threw away his bed so my publicist could have a desk. But my semester’s off to a great start.

[ Franco’s R.A. runs up on stage ]

Craig the R.A.: Hey, James! Man, I’ve been looking all over the quad for ya’!

James Franco: Oh… hey. Craig. My R.A.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! [ he waves to the audience ] What’s up? Hey, listen, my man, I don’t mean to blow up your spot, but why weren’t you at Orientation this morning?

James Franco: Aw, I’m so sorry, Craig, uh, I had to rehearse for the show! What did I miss?

Craig the R.A.: Oh, a lot! A LOT, man! We watched a great video about Diversity, called “Choices”.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Then people asked me questions, you know, like: “Where’s the cafeteria?” “Are hotplates allowed?” “Why is James Franco on campus?” One that I got was, “Hey, Craig, why is James Franco talking to your girlfriend Colleen so much?”

James Franco: Ohhh. Is Colleen your girlfriend?

Craig the R.A.: Yeah! Yeah.

James Franco: Oh. She came by my room, late last night, and said she was lost.

Craig the R.A.: [ stunned ] Well, that’s weird. Yeah, she’s a… campus tour guide.

James Franco: Oh.

Craig the R.A.: Well, look, man — hey, look — I know what it’s like to be the cool dude on campus.

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, I can’t step fot in Java the Cup without people saying, “Hey, man! There’s that guy who beatboxes for the Funktones!” [ he gives himself a thumbs-up ]

James Franco: Who? Who are the Funktones?

Craig the R.A.: We’re the school’s most popular, no tryout, non-lesbian, a capella group!

James Franco: Sounds great.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah, don’t patronize me, James!

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Come on, man! Until you moved into Livingston Hall, I was Top Dog! It was just ME and a bunch of dorks like Ken Wo!

[ cut to Ken Wo in the audience, looking perturbed ]

Craig the R.A.: My bad. My bad, K-Wo. That’s my bad. [ turns back to Franco ] Seriously, man, how long do I have until you have sex with my girlfriend? [ Franco silently looks to the floor ] AW, COME ON!!

James Franco: Look, Craig, I — I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I mean, is there anything I can do to smooth things over?

Craig the R.A.: [ whispering ] Let me — let me plug my gig, Franco.

James Franco: Okay.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah?

James Franco: Yeah.

Craig the R.A.: Yeah? Alright! [ to the audience ] Hey, the Funktones are having their Fall jam tomorrow night at Cafe 2-1-2! Yeah! Spoken-word poet, Tolerance, will be there. Tickets are still available — every single one of them.

James Franco: And we also have a great show coming up — Kings of Leon are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Of Mice and Men

George…..James Franco
Lennie…..Bobby Moynihan
Curly…..Bill Hader
Hunter 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Hunter 2…..Will Forte

[ open on a copy of John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men” ]

Announcer: [ over scroll: ] “…for decades, John Steinbeck’s timeless tale of friendship has been considered an American classic. Now, nearly 60 years after tis publication, the author’s original manuscript has been unearthed, revealing an alternate ending to the novel. Here, for the first time, the lost ending to John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”…”

[ dissolve to Lennie and George alone the edge of the forest; Lennie stands, as George kneels to his side ]

George: Well, you got us into a real jam, Lennie!

Lennie: Is it — is it strawberry jam?! I LOVE strawberry jam!

George: [ he stands ] No! This is a BAD kind of jam! You KILLED a lady! I know you didn’t mean to, Lennie, but… they’re coming after us!!

Lennie: Uh-ohhhh..! So tell me again what “kill” is, George?

George: Oh. “Kill” is when you put folks to sleep for… a long, long time!

Lennie: And then, after, they have orange juice and pancakes?!

George: Yeah, that’s right, Lennie. They go to the biggest pancake house that you ever saw! [ motions Lennie to look off to the side ] Alright, now — just look over there for a piece, and you won’t have no more troubles!

[ as Lennie turns to look, George stands behind him and points a pistol at his head ]

George: Sorry, old pal!

[ Lennie turns back to see George pointing the pistol ]

Lennie: Hey! [ excitedly ] Heeeeeeyyyy!! That’s a metal candy cane! Remember, George! You said I couldn’t touch it, or I could get bit by the bees that are inside!

George: [ lowers the pistol in defeat ] Yeah… that’s right…

[ the sound of approaching hunters and dogs can be heard ]

George: God! We don’t have much time! They’re going to kill you!

Lennie: [ he raises his arms cheerfully ] KILL me?? Hooray!! All the pancakes and orange juice I want!!

George: Dammit, Lennie!! They’re gonna HURT you, until you’re DEAD!! THAT’S what “kill” is!

Lennie: [ confused ] What?! Why — why did you tell me it was sleeping and then having pancakes?

George: To protect you, Lennie. For as long as we’ve been together, I’ve just tried to make the bad things sound… nice and sweet.

Lennie: [ outraged ] Nice and sweet?! I’ve been REPEATING that stuff! People must think I’m an IDIOT! Do people think I’m an IDIOT?!!

George: [ he shrugs ] Well… folks think you see things kind of simple…

Lennie: Well, of COURSE they do!! I’ve been told nothing but LIES!! So — so, wait! If I killed Curly’s wife, then she’s dead! But I just did to her what I dod to that mouse — [ panicking ] Oh, my God, I killed that mouse!!

George: Yes. You did.

Lennie: You GOTTA tell me these things!! I was planning on doing that AGAIN!!

Voice: There they are, beyond the creek!!

George: Okay, Lennie! I’m sorry, but we don’t have a lot of time! We have to do this NOW!! [ he points the pistol at Lennie ]

Lennie: WAIT A MINUTE!!! Hold the phone!! [ George lowers the pistol ] Because of the lies YOU told ME… you’re going to release the bees from your candy cane — which I’m now realizing is probably a gun —

George: It’s what’s BEST for you, Lennie!! You wouldn’t understand!!

Lennie: [ mocking ] Ohhh!! I wouldn’t understand! Of course! Because I’m not SMART like the Nobel Prize winner! Oh, wait — you’re a ranch hand!

George: [ confused ] Nobel Prize?

Lennie: Yeah. It’s a prize given in Sweden — NEVER MIND!! [ tapping his head frantically ] Oh, boy! You really do know how to PICK ‘EM!

Voice: There they are!!

Lennie: Well, look: you shouldn’t’ve — you shouldn’t’ve lied to me, but… I did what I did, and I have to bear that responsibility.

George: [ pats Lennie’s shoulder ] You’re a good man, Lennie.

Lennie: Oh, I know!

[ the posses enters the scene ]

Curly: Which one of you is the sonofabitch that KILLED me wife?!!

Lennie: Um — [ points to George ] He did it! He killed the lady!

Hunter 1: He’s got a gun!!

[ the posse and their dogs chase after George and fire shots ]

Lennie: [ waving offscreen ] Enjoy your pancakes!!

[ cut to the book closing ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

McCain Approves

Written by: Seth Meyers, with Al Franken

Executive 1…..Kristen Wiig
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Executive 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Ken Lewis…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Washington, D.C. ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Aquarius Sound Recording studio ]

Executive 1 V/O: Sen. McCain, thanks for stopping by.

[ dissolve to interior, recording studio, where Sen. John McCain stands between two executives ]

Sen. John McCain: My friends, I wouldn’t miss it. Recording TV ads is an essential part of the campaign.

Executive 2: As we explained, Senator, we already have a recording of you approving ads.

Sen. John McCain: Well, I know. But we’ve been using it on so many ads, I was worried the tape spools might be scratched, or warped.

Executive 1: Oh. Well, we actually recorded that digitally, Senator.

Sen. John McCain: [ confused ] Digitally? With your fingers?

Executive 2: [ scoffs lightly ] No, sir, it’s a new technology.

Sen. John McCain: [ still confused ] You mean, like 8-track?

Executive 1: [ a beat ] You know what? Let’s just record some.

Executive 2: [ points to Voiceover guy ] Uh, this is Ken Lewis.

Sen. John McCain: Hi, friend. [ they shake hands ]

Executive 2: Uh, he’ll be reading the main body of the ad text. He’s a little bit of a legend around here, for having the most sarcastic voice in the world of campaign ads.

Ken Lewis: [ sarcastically ] Thanks, Doug! That means… the worrrld… to me!

Executive 2: [ chuckles ] Wow! I can’t even tell if he means that!

Executive 1: Are you ready to go?

Sen. John McCain: I’m ready to go, yes, but, let me stress, the goal of these ads are not olny to support my campaign, but also to raise the level of the integrity and the political discourse, my friends. THAT was my promise to America!

Executive 1: Well, that’s so great to hear! Let’s do it!

[ music sting ]

Ken Lewis: Barack Obama says he wants universal health care. Is that so? Health care for the entiiiire universe? Including Osama bin Laden? I think we’ll passss No way. No how. No-bama!

Sen. John McCain: My friends, can I ask a question?

Executive 1: Of course.

Sen. John McCain: Is this ad true?

Executive 1: Well, “universal” has more than one meaning. We’ve taken it to mean “the entire universe”.

Sen. John McCain: Works for me. [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Executive 2: Great! Let’s do the next one!

[ music sting ]

Ken Lewis: Barack Obama plays basketball. Charles Barkley plays basketball. Is Charles Barkely qualified to run our economy? He gambled millions away in Las Vegas. Don’t let Barack Obama gamble with our economy. No way. No how. No-Charack-Obarkley!

Sen. John McCain: Excuse me?

Executive 1: Yes?

Sen. John McCain: Are those facts accurate?

Executive 1: Yes. The senator does play basketball… Charles Barkley also plays basketball… Charles Barkley lost money in Vegas.

Sen. John McCain: I can’t argue with facts. [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Executive 1: You’re doing great, Senator!

Sen. John McCain: It’s exciting!

Executive 1: It is ! And can I just say how excited I am about Sarah Palin?

Sen. John McCain: Oh, yeah. She’s something, isn’t she?

Executive 2: Yeah, she’s brought so much energy into the campaign! Ken loves her! Isn’t that right, Ken?

Ken Lewis: You bet I do! She has sooo much experrrience!

Executive 2: So, now, we’re gonna do some, you know, quick, five-second radio spots. One after the other.

Sen. John McCain: Sounds good.

Ken Lewis: Obama supports tax cuts for pedophiles.

Sen. John McCain: Does he?

Executive 1: Well… there’s no way to identify ALL pedophiles, but chances are, if you cut taxes, it’s gonna benefit at least a couple of them.

Sen. John McCain: [ into the microphone, somewhat relunctantly ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Ken Lewis: Barack Obama has fathered TWO black children IN WEDLOCK!

Sen. John McCain: My friends, I must say, that reminds me of an attack George Bush made on me in, uh, 2000.

Executive 1: He won that election, right?

Sen. John McCain: [ into the microphone ] I’m John McCain. I approved this message.

Executive 2: And then, this last TV ad has no dialogue. It’s just a hip-hop track with fast cuts back and forth between Obama, Pac Man Jones, Ludacris, Michael Vick, Marion Berry, Al Sharpton, O.J. Simpson, ex-Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, five minutes of that, uh, Check Berry video, a bunch of blonde strippers, the monster from “Predator”, and, then, Mohamed Atta!

Sen. John McCain: [ confused ] What is that one trying to say?

Executive 2: Ah, you know, it’s not really trying to say anything. people make of it what they will.

Sen. John McCain: [ to Executive 1 ] Do you think it’s fair?

Executive 1: I do.

Sen. John McCain: And what about you, Ken?

Ken Lewis: That’s the fairest thing I’ve ever heard!

Sen. John McCain: In that case: [ into the camera ] I’m John McCain… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

The Looker

The Looker/Penny Marshall….Fred Armisen
The Closer/Kyra Sedgwick….Kristen Wiig
Juliette Lewis….Andy Samberg
Suspect 1….Will Forte
Suspect 2….James Franco
Suspect 3….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with TNT’s logo]

Caption: TNT. We know drama.

Announcer: Coming soon to TNT. If you liked Kyra Sedgwick in “The Closer”.

[Kyra poses]

Caption: The Closer.

[Cut to an interrogation room. She is handling a suspect]

The Closer: Confess! Confe-e-e-ess!

Announcer: Then get ready for TNT’s newest crime drama. This fall Penny Marshall is “The Looker”

Caption: The Looker

[Penny Marshall has a bored to death look on her face. She wears small glasses]

Announcer: She’s a tough lady cop. And she’s looking for justice. She’s The Looker.

[The Looker is in a interrogation room. She looks at the suspect with a bored look on her face.]

Suspect 2: Forget it, lady. You can’t prove a thing. [The Looker just looks at him] Look at me all you want. I’m not talking. [Bored looks continue] Those are some tiny glasses. [More bored looks] Ok! You win! I’ll sign the confession! [signs confession] Why are your glasses so small?!

Announcer: Look out, bad guys. Justice has a new face, and it looks like Penny Marshall.

[Penny waves someone off camera bored]

[Another suspect in the interrogation room]

Suspect 3: Ok, Looker. Do your worst. [The Looker puts on an even more tiny glasses on the bridge of her nose. Suspect signs confession] Son of a bitch. [Laughs]

Announcer: This fall drama’s got an attitude and a freaky small pair of glasses. And coming soon, has The Looker finally met her match? Featuring special guest star Juliette Lewis.

[The Looker and Juliette stare at each other in an almost catatonic state]

Announcer: Whoa! Look out everybody, here comes “The Looker”!

Caption: The Looker

The Looker: Only on TNT.

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Goodnights

…..James Franco

James Franco: Thank to Kings of Leon, Cameron Diaz, and Blake Lively! Great cast!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

James and Willam Dafoe

…..Casey Wilson
…..James Franco
Willem Dafoe…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg

[ open inside Franco’s dressing room. He studies a script as Casey Wilson enters ]

Casey Wilson: Hi, James!

James Franco: [ looking up ] Oh, hi, Casey.

Casey Wilson: I hate to bother you… but would you mind signing this “Spider-Man” DVD?

James Franco: Oh, sure.

Casey Wilson: It’s for my Mom, she’s a huge fan… of… Willem Dafoe.

James Franco: [ as he autographs the DVD ] Oh… okay. Here you go.

Casey Wilson: Thanks! I’ll see you out there! [ she exits the dressing room ]

[ a maniacal laugh can be heard over Franco’s left shoulder ]

James Franco: Hello?

[ the dressing room dims ]

James Franco: Who’s there?!

Willem Dafoe: It’s me, James! [ Franco turns to face the man in his mirror ] Willem Dafoe. You look surprised to see me!

James Franco: [ rubbing his eyes] I must be seeing things, uh — the pressure of the show is getting to me…

Willem Dafoe: Yeah, it must be real tough wearing wigs and aquinting at cue cards for ninety minutes. [ he lets out another maniacal laugh ]

James Franco: What do you WANT from me?!

Willem Dafoe: [ sinister ] I want you to KILL Spider-Man!

James Franco: What? Spider-Man’s a fictional character!

Willem Dafoe: I’m sorry, did I say Spider-Man? I meant Samberg! I want you to KILL Andy Samberg!

James Franco: Andy? Why?

Willem Dafoe: I’ll tell you why: we did a movie together, and I had to share a limo with him. And he kept popping his head out of the moon roof and screaming, “Woo-ooh, look at me! I’m in a ca-arrr!!” The guy’s a Grade-A chooch!

James Franco: I’m not gonna KILL him!

Willem Dafoe: James… I played your father in a movie. You OWE me!

James Franco: I won’t do it!! He’s my BEST FRIEND!!

Willem Dafoe: [ angered ] HOW DARE — [ he drops his voice ] Wait. He’s your best friend? Really?

James Franco: Well… maybe not BEST friend! He’s… A friend! We met on Monday. WHATEVER!! He’s FINE!! I’m not gonna KILL Andy Samberg!!

[ Andy Samberg enters the dressing room, smiling ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, James!

James Franco: [ nervous ] Andy!

Andy Samberg: Hey! You want to see my impression of Willem Dafoe? “Hi, I’m Willem Dafoe! I was in ‘Mississippi Burning’, remember! Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop! La-terrr!!” [ he exits the dressing room ]

James Franco: You see what I’m talking about?! You don’t need a road map to know that guy deserves to DIIIEE!! Avenge me!

[ music sting ]

James Franco: NO!!! YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!

Willem Dafoe: AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

James Franco: NO!!!

[ Franco throws a coffee cup at the mirror, but it bounces off of Dafoe’s face ]

Willem Dafoe: OWWW!! OWW!!! What gives?!

James Franco: I’m sorry!! I — I — I thought there was a mirror there!

Willem Dafoe: No, I took it out! How else could I GET back here?!

James Franco: Willem, look! I-I-I-I gotta go, I’m late for my next sketch!

Willem Dafoe: James!! Get back here!! I’m Williem Dafoe!! I was in “Mississippi Burning”, remember!! [ proving Samberg’s impression correct: ] Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop!! La-terrr!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

The Cougar Den

Deidre Nicks….Amy Poehler
Jacqueline Seka….Kristen Wiig
Toni Ward….Casey Wilson
Kiki Deamore….Cameron Diaz
Kenneth….Kenan Thompson
Madison….James Franco

(Cougar roars)

(Opens with Santana´s hit “Smooth” playing and the cougars from The Cougar Den dance with some difficulty.)

Caption: The Cougar Den

(logo is scratched)

Announcer: Its time for The Cougar Den with Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward and Jacqueline Seka.

All three: Whoo, oooh, oohhh.

(Song fades, the over 50 trio sit down)

(All three cougars have very deep voices)

Deidre Nicks: Welcome to The Cougar Den. I´m Deidre Nicks and to my left are two of my best friends, Jacqueline and Toni.

Jacqueline and Toni: Hi-i-i.

Deidre Nicks: Now, we met at a Boz Scaggs concert as you know. It seems like 30 years ago.

Toni Ward: Because it has.

Deidre Nicks: So, what did you do this weekend Jacqueline?

Jacqueline Seka: The usual, I hung out at David and Busters near the “Dance, Dance Revolution” game where I met Toshiro.

Deidre Nicks: How did it go?

Jacqueline Seka: Great. I met Toshiro, a 19 year old from the island of Japan.

Deidre Nicks: How´s that going?

Jacqueline Seka: He´s smart, very focused in bed and unfortunately looks better in my skinny jeans than I do.

Toni Ward: Come on, Jackie. You know you can rock out a skinny jean.

Jacqueline Seka: Deidre, you didn´t tell me you got a new ankle tat.

Deidre Nicks: Oh, I didn´t. I broke a spider vein when I hit the brakes too hard in my Miata. I thought I saw the Jonas Brothers outside Big Berry. Bellini break!

Jacqueline Seka: Bellini break!

Toni Ward: Bellini break!

(They pick up their drinks and toast)

Deidre Nicks: Cheers.

Jacqueline Seka: Cheers.

Toni Ward: Cheers.

(They drink)

Jacqueline Seka: I think the champagne in this Bellini is flat.

Deidre Nicks: It taste flat, it does.

Toni Ward: Is the champagne flat, Kenneth?

Deidre Nicks: Kenneth, Kenneth, why is the champagne flat?

Jacqueline Seka: Is it flat?

Toni Ward: Why is it flat?

(Kenneth is an old black man with gray hair and mustache. He´s the show´s director, headphones on, clipboard on hand)

Kenneth: (angry) It’s flat because you opened it at 9:00 a.m. this morning! (turns his back)

All: Thank you, Kenneth.

Deidre Nicks: Well, our first guest is our good friend and our favorite little Cuban cougar, Kiki Deamore!

(Latin music beat plays. Cougar roars. Kiki comes out with her big ass and wild blonde hair. She dances and bumps hips with Toni a few times. Music fades, they sit down)

Kiki Deamore: Hola chicas! Como estan?

Deidre Nicks: Oh, you look great Kiki.

Kiki Deamore: Gracias.

Deidre Nicks: Oh, what have you done? Did you take your butt fat and inject it into your lips?

Kiki Deamore: No. I am wearing a new make-up. Its for the cougars. Its called “Hide your face”.

Toni Ward: I need that.

Kiki Deamore: And you put it on with this little shovel. (Opens compact and demonstrates how to apply) The spackle, you put it all on.

Jacqueline Seka: Okay.

Deidre Nicks: Yeah.

Toni Ward: I need that. I need it.

Kiki Deamore: But you know, you don´t put it on–you got to be very careful ok, because you can´t get it in your eyes, your nose or your mouths.

Deidre Nicks: Oh, yeah.

Kiki Deamore: Its very toxic.

Jacqueline Seka: So basically….basically, everywhere in your face.

Toni Ward: Yeah.

Kiki Deamore: Si.

Deidre Nicks: Well, that sounds great. Kiki, Kiki, I hear you have a new bag of cougar nip?

Kiki Deamore: Yes, I do. He´s in a band.

Deidre Nicks: Ah, he´s in a band? Oh, let´s bring him out. Let´s welcome this boy, Madison.

(Latin beat plays, cougars dance with difficulty. Enters Emo Madison, all dressed in black, black glove, black hair, head hanging down low, sits next to Kiki who is all over him)

Kiki Deamore: He´s so cute! Darling, purr for me! Purr, come on, darling purr, purr, come on darling! purrr-r-r.

(Madison eyes closed just blows air flapping his lips a little)

Kiki Deamore: Oh, see, he´s so cute!

Jacqueline Seka: Yeah.

Deidre Nicks: Adorable.

Toni Ward: Yeah.

Deidre Nicks: So, Madison what is the name of your band?

Madison: We´re called “Edge of Confusion”.

Jacqueline Seka: I get that, I get that.

Toni Ward: Edgy, edgy.

Deidre Nicks: Take your shirt off.

Toni Ward: So, Madison do you sing songs about secretly wanting to see older women in their shapewear?

Madison: No. Most of my songs are about staying out of my room, not standing outside the door of my room and not texting me if I´ve been in my room for a very long time. I also got one song about how dorky archery is.

Deidre Nicks: Sure, it makes sense. Would you like to sing one?

(Madison gets up and sings his semi-punk rock tune)

Madison:(sings) Hey, mom! Get out…of my…bedroom…I need… some space(Cougars dance robotically to the punkish beat) to triangulate my misplaced emotionality! (Kiki dances some) My dreams…dark box (Kenneth looks surprised) Dad screams…botox…about…leaving…this cage and flying very, very far away.

(tune ends, Madison sits)

All: Wow!

Jacqueline Seka: This lyrics, gave me chills.

Madison: Thank you very much.

Toni Ward: You have an Eddie Money sound.

Madison: I have no idea what that means.

Deidre Nicks: So, how did you guys meet?

Kiki Deamore: At “Urban Outfitters”.

Madison: I was buying a belt.

Kiki Deamore: And I was following him.

Deidre Nicks: So, Madison, what do you feel is most important in a relationship?

Madison: Well, some of my friends are like, you know, there has to be a spiritual connection but I´m all about the sex.

All: Re-e-eally?

(The three cougars cross their legs at the same time)

Kiki Deamore: He has a lot of stamina in bed.

Toni Ward: What´s your secret?

Madison: I´m young.

Deidre Nicks: Yeah, yeah…

Toni Ward: Yeah.

Deidre Nicks: That´s good. You know what I´ve just read in “More” magazine? A woman´s sexual peak is when she´s in her 50´s. Have you heard that Kenneth?

Toni Ward: Kenneth?

Kenneth: It may be the sexual peak but it is definitely the beauty trench.

(Looks back and forth between the cougars and Kenneth)

Jacqueline Seka: So, Madison are there any more hot peeps in your band?

Madison: There´s four of us.

Kiki Deamore: There´s cuatro. Muy caliente! Yi, yi, yi, yi! (shakes her boobs)

Jacqueline Seka: Say I knew somebody who had some money from a third marriage and she wanted to back your band. Would maybe your drummer be interested in a strings-attached relationship?

Madison: What do she looks like?

Jacqueline Seka: How do I put this? She looks like me.

Madison: You mind if I take a closer look?

Jacqueline Seka: Not at all.

(Madison barely moves from his chair)

Madison: Nope.

Deidre Nicks: Xanax break! Xanax break.

(takes pills, shares them with the cougars)

Toni Ward: To feeling dead inside.

Deidre Nicks: To not feeling feely, to not feeling feely. Madison? Xanax?

Madison: No.

Kiki Deamore: I´ll take his.

(Deidre throws a handful to Kiki and she gobbles them up)

Madison: You know, there´s one thing I super-love about older women.

Deidre Nicks: Tell us.

Toni Ward: Tell us.

Jacqueline Seka: I´m listening.

Madison: Well, I´m freaky this way but I love a big old pair of saggy boobies.

(Makes hand gestures like he´s fondling big saggy boobies)

Deidre Nicks: Join us next week when Hulk Hogan´s wife will be showing us how to make brownies with brandy.

(Santana´s “Smooth” plays.)

(Logo The Cougar Den)

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2

08b: James Franco / Kings of Leon

Agent 420

Bill Hader…..Department Head
Jason Sudeikis…..Aide
Agent 420…..James Franco
Dancer…..Kristen Wiig
Dr. Huang…..Fred Armisen
Guard 1…..Will Forte
Guard 2…..Andy Samberg

[ open on exterior, MI6 Secret Intelligence Service ]

[ dissolve to interior, Department Head’s office ]

Department Head: So, our worst fears have been realized?

Aide: I’m afraid so. It appears Dr. Huang has pointed a high-intensity laser-ray directly at the new Extel communications satellite.

Department Head: If he takes out that satellite, it would cripple the world finiancial market. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of banks would shut down.

Aide: Impossible!!

Department Head: The market could be down 500 points one day, then up 300 the next.

Aide: Good God!!

Department Head: We’re talking total financial chaos. There’s only one man for this job. Get me 007!

[ “James Bond Theme” sting ]

Aide: He’s busy.

Department Head: Oh. Uhhhh… then, get me 008.

Aide: He’s busy, too.

Department Head: 09?

Aide: His wife just had a baby.

Department Head: What about 103?

Aide: All the 100’s are at Six Flags for a corporate retreat.

Department Head: 200’s?

Aide: Nope!

Department Head: 300’s?

Aide: Jammed.

Department Head: Then, who’s left?

Aide: We have one agent on loan from Langley. They call him… Agent 420.

Voice: You called?

[ cut to Agent 420’s clean-cut shoes. Fast pan up his clean-cut tuxedo, until we reach his head, which is covered in long, blond hair and a headband. He blows a stream of pot smoke from his mouth and chokes.]

Agent 420: So…

[ dissolve to opening credits ]

Dancer: [ singing ]
“Agent 420
Smoking guns by the plenty
He’s a master of spying
Blazing knobs [?] ’til he’s flying!
There’s a skunky cloud in the air
‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrre
Always 4:20
Always 4:20…”

[ dissolve back to Department Head’s office ]

Department Head: Alright, sport-monkey. There’s a laser-ray threatening to destroy the satellite in space that controls ALL communications.

Agent 420: Wait, wait… dude… hold on. [ he snickers ] There’s a satellite in space that controls communication? Whoa! You’re blowing my mind!

Department Head: Right. Uh, the good news is we think we know the exact location of Dr. Huang’s laser. It’s here. [ he taps that portion of the desk map ]

Agent 420: The table?

Department Head: No, this is a map.

Agent 420: Oh. The laser’s in the map.

Department Head: No, no, no. Look where I’m pointing, right here.

Agent 420: Oh, the laser’s in your finger.

Department Head: No, no! It’s located at this point on Earth!

Agent 420: Oh. Oh! Gotcha! [ a beat ] Wait… what?

Department Head: Just get to Dr. Huang’s secret lair and dismantle the laser, okay? [ Agent 420 nods ] Here’s a briefcase with al lthe information you need. [ he hands Agent 420 the briefcase ] Just be sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.

Agent 420: Ah, cool. Wait — who do I give it to?

Department Head: No one! Just get moving! Your flight leaves in 0800 hours! Godspeed, Agent 420!

Agent 420: Right! [ he salutes before exiting ]

[ dissolve to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ]

[ dissolve to Agent 420 sitting in an outer office at MI6, with several discarded pizza boxes on a table as he plays with a Slinky ]

[ Department Head enters ]

Department Head: Agent 420! You were supposed to catch an eight o’clock flight!

Agent 420: Uh… no, no, dude, you said, uh… 0800 hours! [ looks at his watch ] I’ve got, like, uh… uh… 792 hours to go.

Department Head: Let’s go, you’ll catch the next one!

Agent 420: Awww, oh, okay. [ he stuffs bags of weed into his pants ]

Department Head: What are you doing?

Agent 420: I gotta crotch my stash, man, get past airport security.

Department Head: 420! [ hands him his briefcase ]

Agent 420: Right! Don’t worry, man, I won’t let you down!

Department Head: Alright. [ Agent 420 exits ] And don’t reveal to anyone that you’re a secret agent!!

[ dissolve again to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ]

[ dissolve to a mountain setting, Dr. Huang’s Secret Island ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Huang’s guards dragging Agent 420 through the lair ]

Guard 1: Hey, we caught this guy playing hackeysack outside the lair!

[ they shackle him to a stone wall ]

Guard 2: Yeah! He immediately revealed that he was a secret agent!

Agent 420: Did I say that? I meant, I’m a, uh, uh… the pizza delivery guy!

Guard 1: What should we do, Dr. Huang?

[ Agent 420 snickers loudly ]

Dr. Huang: What is so funny?

Agent 420: I… I just realized that your name is Dr. Wang! [ he laughs ]

Dr. Huang: [ mocking ] Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha! But, now — [ he opens Agent 420’s briefcase and pulls out the hackeysack gear ] we have ALL the secrets! [ he laughs nefariously ] Wait! It is just two hackeysacks and a rain stick!

Agent 420: Wait! Wait! Dude, don’t touch that! You don’t know how to use it.

[ Dr. Huang turns the rainstick on its side, as the contents slide in that direction ]

Agent 420: Ohhh. You figured it out. Good work, Dr… Wang! [ he laughs ]

Dr. Huang: That’s it! Activate the laser!

[ the laser, pointed at Agent 420’s crotch, lights up. His weed stash begins to smoke and burn. ]

Guard 2: Hey, what’s that smell?

Guard 1: Is someone burning incense?

Agent 420: No! The laser’s burning my stash!

Dr. Huang: Your what?

[ dissolve to exterior mountain shot, with SUPER: “Dr. Huang’s Secret Island, Five Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior lair, as Agent 420, Dr. Huang and his guard stand amid the pot smoke chilling ]

Agent 420: It’s crazy, man… there’s, like, this satellite… in SPACE! And it’s, like, beaming these signals into people’s BRAIN!

[ Dr. Huang and his guards ooh with astonishment ]

Agent 420: Yeah!

Guard 2: Hey, should we turn off that laser?

Agent 420: No, I’m sure it’s fine.

[ dissolve to end credits ]

Dancer: “‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrrrre!!”

[ cut to Dr. Huang’s Secret Island exploding ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

September 20th, 2008

James Franco

Kings of Leon

None

Cameron Diaz

Blake Lively

Kumail Nanjiani


McCain ApprovesSummary: John McCain (Darrell Hammond) approves of various semi-truthed Barack Obama negative attack ads.

Recurring Characters: John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

James Franco’s MonologueSummary: New Columbia University freshman James Franco skipped Orientation to host tonight’s show, and his Resident Assistant (Jason Sudeikis) demands an explanation.

Bio: James Franco (1978-). Actor; TV work included “Freaks and Geeks” (1999) and the lead role in TV bio-pic “James Dean” (2001); film work includes the role of Harry Osborn in the “Spider-Man” series, and “Pineapple Express” (2008).

Transcript

The Cougar DenSummary: Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz) shows off her latest boy-toy, an emo musician (James Franco) to pals Deidre Nicks (Amy Poehler), Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson).

Recurring Characters: Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore.

Transcript

Agent 420Summary: In the absence of legitimate MI6 operatives, pot-smoking Agent 420 (James Franco) attempts to tackle the notoriously-named Dr. Huang (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

O.J. Simpson Jury SelectionSummary: In an attempt to ensure an unbiased jury pool, O.J. Simpson’s (Kenan Thompson) lawyer (Bill Hader) interviews coma victims, aliens, etc.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: While at a party at “Murray Hill”, Sean (James Franco) deliberately tells women about his small ding-dong in hopes of impressing them.

Transcript

The LookerSummary: In a new police drama on TNT, Penny Marshall (Fred Armisen) plays an interrogator who can get a confession out of suspects by just staring at them intently.

Transcript

Kings of Leon perform “Sex on Fire”

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Following Lehman Brothers’ bankruptcy, financially-strapped CEO Richard Fuld (Jason Sudeikis) wears a barrel. American Apparel CEO Dov Charney (Fred Armisen) is oblivious to his sexual harrassment charges.

Transcript

New York Times ReportersSummary: Fifty liberal New York Times reporters are assigned to spend six weeks in Alaska digging up whatever dirt they can find on Sarah Palin, but the uppity group is concerned about minor inconveniences such as polar bears and a lack of Thai delivery food in the Land of the Midnight Sun.

Transcript

Of Mice and MenSummary: In an alternate ending to the classic John Steinbeck story, Lennie (Bobby Moynihan) is outraged to discover that George (James Franco) has been sugarcoating reality in order to protect him.

Transcript

Yankee Stadium StoriesSummary: Martin Scorsese (Fred Armisen) and Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) recall silly memories of Yankee Stadium.

Recurring Characters: Martin Scorsese, Rosie Perez.

Transcript

Kings of Leon perform “Use Somebody”

James and Willam DafoeSummary: “Spider-man” co-star Willam Dafoe (Bill Hader) orders James Franco to kill Andy Samberg, ostensibly because he’s miffed by the SNL performer’s goofy impression of him.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts