Anna Faris: Thank you, thank you very, very much! You guys, Im SO excited to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of you know me from my movie, “The House Bunny”… (audience applauds) and, uh… Ive played a lot of parts when Ive had to be a blonde, and because of that, a lot of people think I am a dumb blonde, and Im here to tell you its totally true. I am, and I just want you all to know, Im fine with that! Im just enjoying life, having a good time, so what I do care if Im a little bit of an airhead?
(Camera cuts away from audience to side of Anna; she turns and looks)
But can I tell you a secret? Ill be in a conversation sometimes, and not only will I not know what people are talking about, Ill forget who they are. Its like my head is a prison.
(Looks back at audience)
Whoo! But you know, enough about that, I am so psyched to be here! All week, I was like What day is the show happening? And they were like Saturday! And I was like Youre joking! And they were all Why do you think its called Saturday Night Live?
(Camera again turns to sideview of Anna)
But the thing is, I had no idea it was called that. I didnt even know this was a TV show until like an hour ago.
(Looks back at audience)
Whoo! But the important thing is we are gonna have fun tonight, and I know a thing or two about fun! Party!
(Camera again cuts away from audience; Anna pauses)
I… forgot what I was gonna say.
(Looks back at audience)
Whoo! Oh yeah, I remember! We got a great show for you tonight! Duffy is here! I hope thats a person! So stick around, and we will be right back!
Cheryl…..Casey Wilson Mark…..Bobby Moynihan Husband…..Jason Sudekis Wife…..Anna Faris
[Exterior shot of car driving in night approaches the screen]
Husband: Beautiful, just a beautiful neighborhood. It’s really nice. You guys are very very lucky. I’m sure you know that. Wow. You know, it was nice to finally get to hang out with you guys.
Wife: Yes, thank you guys again for buying dinner!
Cheryl: Oh, no problem! Thanks for driving.
Wife: You know, we should really do this again some time.
Mark: Yeah, yeah! It was fun! This is us right here!
Husband: Alright, there you go!
Cheryl: See you guys! [The four say their goodbyes; Mark and Cheryl exit the car]
Husband: And there you have it! Wow. Well, that wasn’t too bad.
Wife: No, not at all! I had a blast. Cheryl is so funny.
Husband: Oh my god, she’s hilarious!
Wife: When she was talking about coupons, I was choking on my penne!
Husband: I love her! I literally fell in love with her! And how about that story about Mark saving those kids’ lives?
Wife: Oh! Unbelievable!
Husband: The man is a hero!
Wife: A true American hero!
Husband: He’s a saint!
Wife: His power, his effortlessness, his hand shake…
Husband: Incredibly firm.
Wife: Do you think they liked us?
Husband: No way! No way! They hated us!
Wife: Unfiltered contempt, that’s what I was thinking.
Husband: A disgust usually reserved for that of pedophiles, I’d say.
Wife: How did we let that happen?
Husband: I don’t know. I don’t know where we went wrong. Honestly.
Wife: Am I crazy?
Husband: No!
Wife: We started out fine, right?
Husband: Absolutely! We got here on time…
Wife: I mean I complimented them on their home…
Husband: Yeah, and who doesn’t love compliments?!
Wife: Right!
Husband: I mean, was it rude of me to ask him how much money he makes?
Wife: Don’t be silly! I thought it was rude to make you ask like 20 times!
Husband: I agree!
Wife: If I made that money, I would love to talk about it!
Husband: That’s how I feel!
Wife: Do you think she knew I was joking when I called her a bitch?
Husband: Of course!
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Are you kidding me?!
Wife: I just get, you know, so goofy after three glasses of wine!
Husband: Oh, who doesn’t?!
Wife: Not to mention the four at dinner.
Husband: Yeah…
Wife: And the four at dessert.
Husband: Well…
Wife: I should’ve eaten something tonight.
Husband: Well you’re on a cleanse, you know? Hey, was there a weird moment when I mentioned the wife swap?
Rob…..Jason Sudeikis Casey…..Casey Wilson Josh…..Bill Hader Sarah…..Anna Faris Waiter…..Will Forte
[ open on exterior, Beer Garden ]
[ dissolve to patio area, where Rob and Casey sit ]
Casey: So… Josh is bringing his new girlfriend?
Rob: Yep, yep! And I… think this one’s a keeper. The way he keeps talking about her, I can tell he’s totally in loooove!
Casey: Ohhh! I am so happy for him! You know, after ALL the trouble Josh has had with women, he deserves it.
Rob: Tell me about it.
[ Josh enters with Sarah ]
Josh: Heeeeeeyy!! [ they all greet one another ] This is Sarah. Sarah, Rob.
Rob: Hmm. Hi.
Casey: It’s really, really great to meet you! We’ve heard so much about you.
Sarah: Aw, thanks! You know, I just — I love this restaurant! I actually came here once with my ex-boyfriend, and we had SUCH an amazing time! [ everyone laughs ] Yeah, that was — that was ne CRAZY night!
Rob: Yeah, I know. It’s really a cool place.
Casey: Yeah.
[ the Waiter steps in ]
Waiter: Guten tag! Uh, can I start you guys off with some beers?
Rob: Yeah. How does four Heffervisens sound?
Josh: Sounds perfect. [ to the waiter ] Do you have those big steins?
Waiter: Yeah. We sure do.
Sarah: Actually, you know what? Just make mine a regular pint. [ to the group ] You know, whenever I drink too much, I get crazy! [ she giggles ]
Josh: Oh, you do?
Sarah: Yeah! Yeah, well… not as much as with you, but I-I used to be a little wild. My ex-boyfriend was a terrible influence… but, you know, terrible in a super-fun way! [ she laughs alone ]
Waiter: I’ll be right back with those beers. [ he exits ]
Rob: Alright… alright, so, uh — how did you two meet?
Josh: At Sarah’s art gallery in Chelsea, uh — I was there for a company party, and we started talking, and we just had an instant connection.
Rob: Oh.
Sarah: Yeah, it was a show with all my ex-boyfriend’s artwork, and, uh — you guys HAVE to come check it out sometime, he is SO incredibly talented. And SO good with his hands!
[ an uncomfortable silence permeates the table ]
Rob: Hey! The drinks are here! Here we go! [ the waiter returns ] Alright! Yum-yum! [ theyall collect their drinks ] Alright, why don’t we Cheers it up here… [ Sarah gulps her drink down ] You’re gonna dive right in? Alright… okay… fine.
Casey: Uh, so, Sarah, I don’t know — I don’t know if Josh told you, but, uh — Rob and I just got back from sunny Costa Rica.
Sarah: Ohhh!
Casey: Really.
Rob: Amazing.
Sarah: My ex-boyfriend took me there for New Year’s!
Rob: Oh, nice — did you go snorkeling?
Sarah: No. We never even left the hotel! [ she laughs loudly ] Oh, my God, he was SUCH a force of nature in the bedroom! I found out later he had dislocated my pelvis, but… I couldn’t separate the pain from the pleasure!
Josh: Okay, can we try not to talk about something that’s related to your ex-boyfriend? [ he laughs uncomfortably ]
Sarah: Okay, what about hurricanes?
Everyone: Sure! Yeah, hurricanes! Yeah! Hurricanes are great!
Sarah: I was caught in a hurricane five years ago.
Rob: Oh, no…
Sarah: I was with my ex-boyfriend at the time, and… [ Josh shrugs ] we were out in the open with NO protection. The eye of the storm headed STRAIGHT for us. Luckily, Julien — that’s my ex-boyfriend — um — was able to dig a trench for me to lay in. And then he laid his chiseled body on top of mine, and shielded me until the storm passed. [ Josh sighs heavily ] And, the whole time, we kept each other warm with the most tender lovemaking. After a few hours, I couldn’t distinguish between the storm and the writing of our naked bodies.
[ Rob chokes on his beer, embarrassed for his friend ]
Rob: Uh — this is a human being we’re talking about, right? [ he forces a chuckle ]
[ the Waiter returns carrying a bratwurst on a plate ]
Waiter: He-eyyy! Just thought I’d start you guys off with a signature bratwurst for the table. And, don’t worry — it’s on the house! [ he exits ]
[ acknowledging the bratwurst ] You know… this reminds me a lot of my ex-boyfriend!
Josh: Okay, that’s it! Thank you! [ he abruptly leaves the restaurant ]
Sarah: What? You know, I — I just meant that people used to bring my ex-boyfriend free food all the time!
Casey: Ohhhhh…
Rob: Oh, right…
Sarah: And, you know? This actually looks a lot like his penis!
[ Rob and Casey signal for the waiter to bring them the check so they can get away from Sarah as well ]
Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond Sen. Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
[ open on CNN graphic ]
[ dissolve to exterior, University of Mississippi, Gertrude Castellow Ford Center ]
[ dissolve to Jim Lehrer ]
Jim Lehrer: Good evening. And welcome to the Gertrude C. Ford Center at the University of Mississippi, for the first of three Presidential debates, between Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, and Sen. John McCain of Arizona. I’m Jim Lehrer, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight’s debate will primarily focus on foreign policy and national security, which, by definition, includes the current financial crisis. Also, throughout the debate, I will urge you both to look at one another up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable. So let me begin by asking each of you: where do you stand on the financial recovery plan, right now before Congress. Senator Obama?
Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, Jim, look. I think the most important element of any bailout plan… is that it protects Main Street… as well as Wall Street. ‘Cause hardworking middle-class Americans shouldn’t be taxed in order to rescue the nation’s wealthiest one percent.
Jim Lehrer: Senator McCain.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal: effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns, and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests. Next Tuesday, Kansas City, lemon meringue; Saturday, Jacksonville, blueberry; the following week, in Dallas, coconut custard.
Jim Lehrer: Senator Obama?
Sen. Barack Obama: Jim, uhhhhh… I don’t see the value of this. [ a beat ] Maybe the blueberry.
Jim Lehrer: But, Senator McCain, what does this have to do with the issues in this election?
Sen. John McCain: Nothing at all, Jim. It’s what, in my campaign, we call a “stunt” or a “gimmick”. Something to shake up the race.
Jim Lehrer: That’s what it sounds like.
Sen. John McCain: That’s all it is. A little “straight talk” there.
Jim Lehrer: Still, Senator, I would like to hear your position on the bailout plan.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, what the American people need to understand, and what Senator Obama does not,/i> understand, is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially Congressional earmarks, and pork-barrel projects. Like this one: $75 million to the Department of Justice, for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood. I fought that earmark, and I got the funding reduced to 41 million. And how about this? $8.2 million for something called “Tony Rezko Hush Money”.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors. And I think you know that.
Sen. John McCain: Senator, the fact is, to fund all the other programs you’re planning, will require a massive tax increase.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, once again, you’re not being truthful about my proposals. Under my tax plan, not only would every American making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut; so would most members of the Chicago City Council as well as city Building Inspectors. That’s because my plan would not tax income from bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds, or extortion.
Sen. John McCain: I just thought of something. Senator Obama, why don’t you and I immediately suspend our campaigns, and instead do three town hall meetings, where we appear nude or semi-nude. I think the American people have a right to know what their President would look like with no clothes on.
Sen. Barack Obama: Look, I’m not comfortable with that, Senator. I have two young daughters.
Sen. John McCain: October 4th, Hartford: completely naked, with optional posing strap. October 9th, Nashville: see-through body stockings. October 17th, Seattle: modified Chippendales-collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo, or fringed leather chaps.
Sen. Barack Obama: Again, I don’t see the point.
Jim Lehrer: I think we’ll let the two of you work that out. But for now let’s turn to the war in Iraq. Senator Obama, what has this war taught us?
Sen. Barack Obama: Look, as you know, Jim, I opposed this war from the very beginning, when it was not the politically popular thing to do.
Sen. John McCain: Yet, Senator, you voted against the “surge”, a strategy that I have been arguing for since 1985. Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops, in case we ever did invade.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, think about that for a moment. That doesn’t even make sense.
Sen. John McCain: Perhaps not to you, Senator. That’s because you’re not a “maverick”.
Sen. Barack Obama: John, the fact is, the “surge” was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this Administration, policies you initially supported. As you have supported this President 90 percent of the time.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, my opponent knows that’s not true. I’ve never supported President Bush. I have undermined President Bush. Just ask any Republican: I have always been disloyal to this President, a disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my Party whenever it most needed me. The fact is, you simply can’t count on John McCain. And that’s why, on November 4th, the American people will elect me their next President.
Jim Lehrer: Alright. Now let’s turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation. Senator Obama, you have frequently been critical of this Administration’s efforts to stop Iran and North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs. What would you do differently?
Sen. Barack Obama: First of all, Jim. I would use traditional diplomacy. Something this Administration has consistently refused to do. Should that fail, then, and only then, I would try what I call “playing the race card”.
Jim Lehrer: And how would that work?
Sen. Barack Obama: Take North Korea. I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country’s nuclear weapons program. If he declined, I would say to him: ‘Alright, I get it. I know why you’re really refusing to stop the program.’ And he would say, ‘No, what are you talking about?’ And I would say, ‘It’s because I don’t look like all the other Presidents you’ve dealt with.’ Then he would say, ‘Wait. That’s not fair. That has nothing to do with it.’ And I would add, ‘That’s cool, I understand. I’m different. I’m not like the other guys on the five and ten dollar bills.’ It’s a long, delicate process. But eventually, he’ll have to give in.
Jim Lehrer: And what if he didn’t?
Sen. Barack Obama: Then I would try the “carrot”: dinner with Scarlett Johansson.
Jim Lehrer: Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il?
Sen. Barack Obama: For me she would, yes.
Sen. John McCain: Look, my friends. I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is. But let me tell you something. No President should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.
Sen. Barack Obama: That’s interesting, John. Coming from the guy who sang, “Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.”
Sen. John McCain: Obviously, my opponent doesn’t understand. There was a musical combo called the Beach Boys. Who recorded a song that went “Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann”, which sounds like, “Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.” Evidently, he’s unaware of that.
Jim Lehrer: Okay. I had hoped to explore the candidates’ views of the War on Terror, but we are just about out of time.
Sen. John McCain: Jim, may I throw out one more offer? My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns. We’re airdropped into Waziristan, and neither of us comes back until we’ve found and captured Osama Bin Laden. It’s a ‘maverick’ move, and it could break this race wide open.
Sen. Barack Obama: I can’t. I have a fundraiser at Rob Reiner’s.
Sen. John McCain: I know it’s not the safe thing to do politically. But if there’s any chance of catching Bin Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.
Jim Lehrer: Really? You’d rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become President?
Sen. John McCain: Truthfully, yes. At this point, I don’t really care anymore. I mean it.
Jim Lehrer: And that concludes tonight’s debate. I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn’t show up. [ show Hillary Clinton sitting in wait ] I’m sorry it didn’t work out. From all of us here at the Gertrude C. Ford Center, thank you and good night.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 27th, 2008 Anna Faris Duffy None Tina Fey Chris Parnell None
CBS Evening NewsSummary: Part 4 of Katie Couric’s (Amy Poehler) interview with Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) leaves the anchorman flustered by the governor’s folksy responses. Recurring Characters: Katie Couric, Sarah Palin. Transcript
Montage
Anna Faris’ MonologueSummary: Anna Faris lets the audience in on a secret: she really is a dumb blonde. Transcript
Making New FriendsSummary: After dropping their new friends (Bobby Moynihan, Casey Wilson) home, a couple (Jason Sudeikis, Anna Faris) contemplates the numerous ways they might have offended them over dinner. Transcript
Presidential DebateSummary: Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell) moderates the first Presidential debate between Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Barack Obama, John McCain, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Rowboat DateSummary: Dimwitted Mary (Anna Faris) is enamored by her new boyfriend (Kenan Thompson) during their musical midnight boat ride, until she realizes he might just be a hit man assigned to kill her. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Former President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) can’t quite bring himself to endorse Barack Obama. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) still counters her nervousness by constantly kidding around. Transcript
ScoresSummary: A trio of strippers (Anna Faris, Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson) are opposed to closing off the Champagne Room simply because the Wall Street bailout crisis will prevent their regular clients from being able to afford their services.
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to dish on the club music scene with co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg). Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
Googie Rene’s Slightly Stained Wedding Dress BasementSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells bridal gowns at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Michael Phelps.
Duffy performs “Standing Stone
My Ex-BoyfriendSummary: Josh (Bill Hader) is proud to show off his new girlfriend, Sarah (Anna Faris), to his friends (Jason Sudeikis, Casey Wilson), except that she won’t stop talking glowingly about her ex-boyfriend. Transcript
Martin Scorsese….Fred Armisen Rosie Perez….Amy Poehler
Caption: Yankee Stadium Stories
[ Opens with black and white images of Yankee Stadium. Yankees baseball team logo on the field. Acclaimed filmmaker Martin Scorsese in a suit and tie, thick glasses is joined by Puerto Rican actress/dancer Rosie Perez ]
Martin Scorsese: [rapid fire delivery] Yankee Stadium. Look at this place. Beautiful. Huge stadium. They’re gonna tear it down. A piece of New York history. Unbelievable. Who could fathom that? Mickey Mantle, my favorite player of all time. My favorite Yankee.
Rosie Perez: [thick, nasal Spanish accent] I can’t believe they’re gonna tear it down because I have so many memories here cause I used to come here with my uncle Rico when I was little and we would come on roller skates.
[Martin Scorsese pushes Rosie down the stadium aisles on her roller skates]
Martin Scorsese: It’s a true story. We used to play baseball in our backyard. But we couldn’t afford bats and balls so we used loaves of bread [Martin getting ready to bat with a loaf of bread] and meatballs. [Martin shows a meatball in his baseball glove] That’s a true story.
[Rosie throws a meatball at Martin. Martin whacks the ball with the loaf of bread. He runs while Rosie fields.]
Rosie Perez: Oh, no! Throw me the meatball!
Martin Scorsese: And now they’re gonna move Yankee Stadium.
Rosie Perez: How are they going to move Yankee Stadium, Martin Scorsese?
Martin Scorsese: Terrible. What are they going to move next? The Empire State Building?
Rosie Perez: One time there was a breakdancing contest here and I was a judge. Yankee Stadium, I love you.
…..Seth Meyers …..Amy Poehler Richard Fuld…..Jason Sudeikis Dov Charney…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Hey, guess what! It turns out, the free market… not so free!
Wall Street was hit hard Monday, when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically: if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you’re done!
Seth Meyers: Monday was one of the worst days in the history of the Stock Market, with the Dow dropping over 500 points. They should really be more careful about who they get to ring the opening bell. [ image: Grim Reaper ]
Pope Benedict delivered an anti-euthanasia speech this week, saying that people must accept death at the hour chosen by God. And then he rode away in a heavily-armoured, bulletproof car.
Amy Poehler: A top McCain policy adviser claimed, this week, that McCain’s work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, “You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.” He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it.
Seth Meyers: It’s been a terrible week for Wall Street, with several major companies in financial crisis. On Monday, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy — the largest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history. Here to comment on the week, is Lehman Brothers CEO Richard Fuld.
[ Fuld steps over draped in a barrel ]
Richard Fuld: Hey, Seth! Amy! Wow, what a week, huh?
Seth Meyers: Hey, uh — hey, Mr. Fuld, I’m really sorry about Lehman Brothers.
Richard Fuld: Awww, that’s okay! Life’s a crazy ride, huh? A lot of ups and downs! One week, you’re tucking in to a $60 steak at Del Monico’s… the next, you find yourself in a Greyhound bus station wrestling a TODDLER for his Lunchables!
Seth Meyers: Well, I’m sorry to hear that.
Richard Fuld: Ahhh, well, I gotta be frank with you, Seth — I’m going a little NUTS here!! [ he laughs maniacally ] A little nuts! Oh, it’s getting so bad all over, huh? I just… awwwww! I mean, we were the first to go, but I don’t know what these other companies are gonna do!
Seth Meyers: Yeah, how do you feel about the bailout?
Richard Fuld: [ perplexed ] What, now?
Seth Meyers: You know, the government plan to bail out companies like AIG, so they won’t face a similar situation like yours.
Richard Fuld: [ stunned ] Really? A bailout?!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. I guess they’re giving out something like $700 billion in federal aid.
Richard Fuld: Nope! No, haven’t heard about that! Oh, wow! Wow! [ he laughs ] Yeah, I guess I haven’t been watching the news lately, because I’ve been BUSY rebottling New York City tapwater and selling it on the street!
Seth Meyers: Didn’t you save, like, any of your money..?
Richard Fuld: Nooooo!! No, no, no, heavens no! No, that’s the ONE thing I did not do, actually! No, I’ve gotta say I’ve made some pretty stupid purchases in my life, you know? NOBODY needs more than ONE hot air balloon! You know? I mean, you THINK you’re gonna get your buddies together to race, but, you know, it just never happens! It doesn’t pan out! Oh, man! Well, when did they announce this bailout thing? When was that?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, they announced it Friday…
Richard Fuld: [ flabbergasted ] FRIDAY?!! I mean, alright. So, if I would have waited four days, I wouldn’t be in THIS mess?
Seth Meyers: Yeah…
Richard Fuld: ‘Cause, I don’t know if you noticed this, Seth, but, uh — I’M WEARING A BARREL!! I’m in a BARELL, big guy!!
Seth Meyers: No, I noticed because you didn’t sit down when you came out!
Richard Fuld: Yeah! Yeah, chairs won’t take me!
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Richard Fuld: Nope! FOUR DAYS!! Oh, man! You know what I did last night, Seth?
Seth Meyers: No, I —
Richard Fuld: No, I french-kissed a HOMELESS MAN for an Egg McMuffin! Yeah, where’s MY bailout?!
Seth Meyers: Wow. Alright, Richard Fuld, everyone!
Richard Fuld: FOUR DAYS!!
Seth Meyers: Four days.
Amy Poehler: Big trouble. He’s wearing a barrel.
NBC Universal, this week, bought the Weather Channel for $3.5 billion. NBC executives wanted to reach the elusive “Let’s leave the TV on for the dog” demographic.
Seth Meyers: Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000.
“Star Trek”‘s George Takai, and his long-time partner, Brad Ullman, were married this past Sunday. Set your phasers on stunninnnnnngggg!!
The couple vowed to boldly go where no man has gone before — except the both of them with each other many, many times.
[ Seth chuckles ]
Seth Meyers: Stunninnnnnngggg!!
Amy Poehler: [ joining in ] Stunning!! [ she bursts out laughing ]
A cat in England has adopted a baby chicken, after it became the sole survivor of a fox attack. Or: a baby chicken laid down kinda near a cat, and a farmer wanted to be on the news!
A new study showed that social networking sites have become more popular than internet pornography sites. So, mixed feelings for the staff over at sit-on-my-facebook.com.
Seth Meyers: The new season of “Dora the Explorer” kicks off next week, and, for the first time since the show’s inception, the character of Dora will have a new voice. Oddly, it’s Rosie Perez’s:
[ cut to animated scene from Dora the Explorer ]
Rosie Perez V/O as Dora: We need to find the Kobe River! Oh my God, I’m tired! I’m done exploring, I want a cwoo-kie!
[ cut back to the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: That seems remarkably less educational!
[ Amy chuckles ]
Seth Meyers: A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty beer cans from a 7-11 store, and then told police that his crack cocaine habit drove him to do it. So they had you on stealing empty cans, and you gave them a major drug charge? That’s like saying: “Sorry about the litter, Officer, I’ve been so distracted ever since I killed my wife!”
Amy Poehler: Dov Charney, CEO of the clothing company American Apparel, is being sued for sexual harrassment for the fifth time. Details of the lawsuit include Mr. Charney using offensive language and parading around in his underwear. Here to talk about that is — oh, boy — Dov Charney. Here we go.
[ Dov Charney ambles across the set in skimpy clothing and sits next to Amy ]
Dov Charney: So what?! So what?! What’d I say?
Amy Poehler: Alright, Mr. Charney. Okay. I have to say, Mr. Charney, the details of this suit are incredible. [ Charney stretches his legs over the desk ] Alright…
Dov Charney: Yeah? Such as what, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Okay.
Dov Charney: Go ahead, you can tell me — what’d I do so wrong?
Amy Poehler: Well, um — I’ll tell you. [ she turns her head ] A former employee of yours is claiming that you used offensive language in the workplace.
Dov Charney: Well — who said that? Yuo tell me right now, who said something like that. [ he angles his legs closer to Amy ]
Amy Poehler: Um — someone, uh — someone named Tiffany Freedman.
Dov Charney: Oh, Asspants? Yeah, she’s a slut! [ he hangs his tongue out and bounces in his seat ]
Amy Poehler: Alright, Mr. Charney! It’s probably that kind of language that got you in trouble.
Dov Charney: What’d I say?! Alright, look — give me one, one example of something that’s sexual harrassment.
Amy Poehler: Okay, you put a woman’s size, extra small tank top on your penis, and then referred to your penis as “The Wife Beater”.
Dov Charney: [ proudly ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That sounds like me! [he hangs his tongue out ]
Amy Poehler: Okay. Okay. Alright, Mr. Charney… [ Charney gets his legs caught on the desk, causing Amy to laugh ] Alright, come on, don’t do that! Don’t do that!
Dov Charney: What’s the matter? You sluts don’t like that?
Seth Meyers: Hey, stop calling us “sluts”! Alright? Mr. Charney, it’s further alleged that, during a lunch break, you spread your buttocks and told one of your employees: “Hey, it’s for you!” as though your buttocks were a phone.
Dov Charney: Look, hey — look! Hold on! Hold on a minute! [ he stands ] Look. Look. [ he steps over to Seth ] I’m beautiful. Alright? Sex is beautiful. Sluts are beautiful. [ he props one leg on the desk ] And, in order for me to run an effective company, I have to open up a line of physical communication. That’s just the way it is. And you guys think about things like thighs… and butts… and body hair… and boobs… and, you know — no, no, on a serious note —
Seth Meyers: On a serious note?
Dov Charney: No, no, honestly — tank tops, you know… panties, you know… t-shirts, and they got headbands, belts… you know? And if my employees don’t like it, you know what? SUE ME!!
Amy Poehler: Well, they — they don’t like it, and they are suing you.
Dov Charney: Alright, well, you know what? I learned a little something, so I want to thank you very much. It’s very sweet of you to say. Alright, I’m gonna call my lawyers right away.
Amy Poehler: Great.
Dov Charney: Alright?
Amy Poehler: Thank you.
[ Charney places his hand on Amy’s breast, and she doesn’t resist ]
Seth Meyers: A dog in France is believed to be the first animal to appear as a witness in a murder inquiry, when he barked furiously at a potential susect during a preliminary hearing. Yet another setback for defendant Paul “Catface” Edwards.
Amy Poehler: You know, Seth, I’m really looking forward to seeing that story on “Paw & Order”.
[ Amy motions her finger for a combined sound effect of a dog barking and the “Law & Order” thump ]
[ Seth muffles his laughter, then motions his finger to hear the sound effect ]
[ Amy again motions her finger to hear the sound effect ]
Amy Poehler: That was fine! [ she motions her finger again for the sound effect, but nothing happens ] Nope. Push it. [ she motions her finger again; nothing, but then comes the sound effect and she laughs ] Better late than never!
To mark Europe’s day of languages, a radio station in Berlin will broadcast its morning show next week entirely in Latin. Which should be fun to listen to for about XV minutes. That’s fifteen minutes.
“Sex in the City” author, Candace Bushnell, is writing a pair of prequel teen novels called “The Carrie Diaries”, that explore Carrie Bradshaw’s formative years in high school. Including how she ditched schol one day and befriended a 40-year old drifter named Samantha.
Seth Meyers: A tailor in Serbia is planning to make a pair of pants that are large enough to fit one hundred men. The story is detailed in the new movie: “The Brotherhood of the Jostling Weiners”.
Peter Connolly, Assignment Editor…..James Franco Tandalaya…..Kristen Wiig Steven…..Bobby Moynihan James…..Kenan Thompson Queens Gillespie…..Darrell Hammond Ted Boucher…..Jason Sudeikis Ari Schenckman…..Andy Samberg Indian Guy…..Kumail Nanjiani Karl Marx…..Fred Armisen Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo…..Casey Wilson Eric Nyman…..Will Forte Howland Gwathmey Moss V…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, The New York Times, September 8, 2008, reporters looking busy, some on conference calls, some typing, most talking ]
Alright, alright, everybody!
[ dissolve to interior office during staff meeting with Peter Connolly, who stands at podium ]
Assignment Editor: I’d like to begin. In case some of us haven’t met, I’m Peter Connolly, the assignment editor of the New York Times. Now… you all know why you’re here. Yuo are, quite simply, the fifty BEST investigative reporters in journalism today. And with the selection of Governor Sarah Palin, we’ve got a Vice-Presidential candidate who needs a LOT of investigating!
Tandalaya: [ raising her hand ] I’d like to know if she’s ever been a member of a golf club that doesn’t admit women… oh, wait, that doesn’t make sense.
Assignment Editor: That’s quite all right, Tandalaya. [ sees Steven raise his hand ] Uh, yes — Steven.
Steven: Uhhh — what about the husband? You KNOW hes doing those daughters! [ he chuckles ignorantly ] I mean, come on! Its Alaska!
Assignment Editor: He very well could be. Admittedly, there is no evidence of that, but, on the other hand, there is no convincing evidence to the contrary. And these are just some of the lingering questions about Governor Palin. That’s why, in a few days, ALL fifty of you are going to Alaska!
[ the group of reporters clap, except for James, who raises his hand ]
James: Yeah. Do you need me for this? I mean, I’m kind of still working on that sub-prime mortgage piece.
Assignment Editor: James, that piece can wait. Trust me, Lehman Brothers isn’t going anywhere! [ he continues ] Now… I know that none of you have ever BEEN to Alaska. In place, most of you have never been ANY place except Manhattan Island, Los Angeles, and Sag Harbor.
Queens Gillespie: I fell asleep on the A train once. Ended up in Queens.
Assignment Editor: Uh, yes. I’ve heard that story —
Queens Gillespie: That’s why everyone here calls me “Queens”. “Queens” Gillespie.
Assignment Editor: Indeed. Indeed. Now… if we’re gonna operate in alaska, under the radar — incognito, so to speak — you’ll have to become familiar with its culture and customs. [ acknowledges Ted Boucher at his side ] Now, this is Ted Boucher. In 1988, he spent the summer as a reporter with the Anchorage Daily News. So he knows more about Alaska than ANYONE at the Times has ever HEARD of! Over the next five days, he’ll teach you ALL you need to know to pass… as a local! Ted?
Ted Boucher: Thank you, Peter. Why don’t we go around the room really quick, and you can all tell me your names.
Ted Boucher: Wow! That’s a mouthful! [ he laughs ] In Alaska, I would go with… Vicky D’Angelo.
Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: [ smugly ] In New York, I would sue you for sexual harrassment.
Assignment Editor: Ah, she’s not kidding. She sued me… [ silent whisper ] three times.
Ted Boucher: Okay. Alright, alright, uhhh — okay, we’ll, I’m sure you’ll all blend right in! Now, uh, let’s talk about the state itself, alright? The first thing you need to know is that Alaska is very, very big. [ Queens Gillespie raises his hand ] Yes?
Queens Gillespie: Bigger than Queens?
Ted Boucher: Yes. It is.
[ everyone murmers ]
Ted Boucher: Yes, the transportation is really important. Now, is there anyone here who canNOT drive a stickshift?
[ everyone raises their hand ]
Ted Boucher: Okay, okay — alright, alright, that’s not a problem — okay, now does anyone here NOT have a driver’s license?
[ everyone raises their hand ]
Ted Boucher: Really? Oh boy, okay! I’m, uh — I’m curious. How did you all plan on getting around?
[ everyone raises their hand ]
Ted Boucher: ‘Cause if it was by taxi… there aren’t any.
[ everyone lowers their hand ]
Ted Boucher: Alright, I see. Okay… that makes sense. [ Eric Nyman raises his hand ] Yes?
Eric Nyman: Yeah. I noticed you haven’t yet said anything polar bear attacks? Uh, is there a certain time of day when such attacks are most frequent? And, how do ordinary alaskans deal with polar bear attacks in their daily lives?
Ted Boucher: Okay, uh — well, you don’t have to worry about polar bears, they’re all the way on the Arctic slope. So the only place you’ll see one is the zoo! [ he laughs ] Now, can anyone tell me what this is? [ he holds up a picture of a shotgun, as Victorine raises her hand ] Yes?
Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: A… revolver?
Ted Boucher: Uh — no… no.
Ari Schenckman: Uh — a semi-authomatic assault weapon.
Ted Boucher: No.
Howland Gwathmey Moss V: I believe the precise technical term would be a .357 Magnum — more commonly, a “zip” gun, or a Derringer!
Ted Boucher: [ incredulous ] No! No, it isn’t.
Howland Gwathmey Moss V: [ arrogantly ] Really?
Ted Boucher: [ he nods ] It’s a shotgun!
Howland Gwathmey Moss V: I’m not altogether certain that’s correct!
Ted Boucher: Yes, it is.
Eric Nyman: Question!
Ted Boucher: Yes?
Eric Nyman: Exactly how secure are Alaskan zoos? Uh, specifically with regard to polar bear escapes? And, does the state of Alaska maintain a special hotline number for this type of situation?
Ted Boucher: Alright, you’re NOT going to be attacked by a ploar bear, okay? I mean, you’re, uh — you’re more likely to get struck by lightning! [ he laughs ] Yes?
Karl Marx: Yeah. Neither of my therapists allow me to call them at home after midnight. So, because of the four-hour time difference, I’m gonna need a referral for at least TWO local psychiatrists in Alaska — maybe more.
Ted Boucher: Uh — uh — alright, well, that might not be possible. As I understand it, there’s only one licensed psychoanalyst in the entire state.
Karl Marx: [ freaking out ] WHAT?!
Ted Boucher: Yeah, I believe that’s — that’s the case.
[ Karl Marx hyperventilates ]
Assignment Editor: Everyone! In light of this situation, if there is any reporter here who feels they cannot commit to six weeks in Alaska, I would certainly understand.
[ a great majority of the reporters exit the room ]
Assignment Editor: Uh —
Ted Boucher: Oh, boy…
Assignment Editor: Uh — uh — I — I — I didn’t know.
Ted Boucher: Okay. Alright. Okay. Hey! Uh, who can tell me what this is? [ holds up a picture of a snowmobile ] Anybody know?
Ari Schenckman: Is it some kind of baptizing machine?
Ted Boucher: [ alarmed by this guess ] No! [ he nods to Victorine ]
Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: Could it… be… a crucifix?
Ted Boucher: Nooo.
Indian Guy: Is it a… semi-automatic assault weapon?
Ted Boucher: No.
Howland Gwathmey Moss V: I believe what we’re looking at is a “Nordic Track”. Possibly a prototype of an early-generation model, such as the A-5!
Ted Boucher: [ he shakes his head ] No, it’s not. It’s what’s called a SNOWMOBILE! But, in Alaska, it’s called a snowmachine.
Howland Gwathmey Moss V: [ he nods thoughtfully ] It’s possible. You could be right.
Ted Boucher: [ he crinkles his eyebrows, then nods to Steven ] Yes?
Steven: Uh — as a person whose gender is currently in transition, I was wondering… wondering if Alaska has any public facilities catering to pre-op transsexuals?
Ted Boucher: Uhhh — boy, I, uh — you know, no, I can’t say for sure, uhhh — but, if I had to guess, I would guess that it… does NOT! Okay…
Assignment Editor: Uh — uh — and, again: if you, or any other reporter feels this might present an undue hardship, we would, of course, understand.
[ a great majority of the remaining reporters exit the room ]
Ted Boucher: Uhhhh — that’s a shocker.
Assignment Editor: [ as an exiting reporters motions to him ] Uh, no — no apologies necessary.
[ Eric Nyman raises his hand ]
Ted Boucher: Uhhh — you have a question?
Eric Nyman: I do.
Ted Boucher: Is it about polar bears?
Eric Nyman: In an indirect way, yes.
Ted Boucher: Go ahead.
Eric Nyman: Let’s suppose, for the sake of argument, a polar bear were to make its way from the wild to downtown Anchorage and into my room at the EconoLodge.
Ted Boucher: Hmm… and why would it do this?
Eric Nyman: Well, you know, what if it followed the scent of my Thai delivery food?
Ted Boucher: Okay! Alright! Well, you’ll be relieved to know that, in Alaska, there IS no Thai delivery.
[ Ari Schenckman and James look at each other, then casually exit the room, leaving only WIF, Victorine, and BIH ]
Assignment Editor: That is alright. [ to the remaining three ] Okay, uh — how about you three? Are you still on board?
Howland Gwathmey Moss V: [ as they all nod yes ] We are if you are, Boss!
[ cut to graphic card of Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo: ]
Narrator: [ with SUPER ] Victorine Kopelman-D’Angelo successfully sued the town of Denali, Alaska for seventy million dollars, when in the course of her investigation into Governor Palin’s childhood membership in 4-H, a local school board member called her “Sweetie.”
[ cut to graphic card of Eric Nyman: ]
Narrator: [ with SUPER ] On his second day in Alaska, Eric Nyman was attacked and killed by a polar bear. Moments later, his mangled remains were struck by lightning.
[ cut to graphic card of Howland Gwathmey Moss V: ]
Narrator: [ with SUPER ] In 2009, Howland Gwathmey Moss V was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his Times series on unproven, yet un-disproven incest in the Palin family. Sadly, he was to die 3 months later, run over by a snow machine, driven by a polar bear.
[ dissolve to page from the New York Times, with large headline: “In a Small Alaska Town, Doubts Still Linger”, and smaller headline: “While No Direct Evidence of Incest in Palin Family Emerges, Counter Evidence Remains Agonizingly Elusive” ]
Air Date:
