Bobby: Guys, we’ve been here for like two hours and we still haven’t met any women.
Bill: That’s because we’re not talking to anyone.
Gary: Well how ’bout those three ladies over there? (points to Anne, Girl #1 and Girl #2)
Bill: I don’t know…they’ve been rolling their eyes at us for the last thirty minutes.
Fermagelli: You know what, I’m gonna break the ice. I’m gonna show you how it’s done. I’m gonna do it the Fermagelli way.
Guys: FERMAGELLI!
(Fermagelli walks over to the girls)
Fermagelli: Hey ladies, when’s the last time you smelled Michael Jordan cologne? (He wafts the cologne in their direction, met with disgust. Fermagelli continues with an awkward dance)
Anne: (laughs) You are so many kinds of wrong right now.
(Fermagelli walks back, rejected)
Bill: How did it go?’
Fermagelli: Not good.
Bill: It’s all about confidence. Ladies like confidence. Go show them Gary.
Gary: I’m not goin’ man. My self esteem is at an all time low ever since I slipped and fell on the dance floor.
Bobby: That’s it. I’ll do it.
Bill: I think he’s ready
Gary: Remember, be confident.
Fermagelli: Want some tips, man?
Bobby: Nah, I’m good.
(He walks over to the ladies and taps Anne on the shoulder. Music starts to play and Anne and Bobby dance with each other instinctively. Both the girls and the guys are cheering them on in slow motion as a bus boy walks by and takes Fermagelli’s drink in regular speed.)
Bobby: Oh, hey.
Anne: (laughs) hey.
Bobby: Thanks
Anne: Thank you
Bobby: That was fun.
Anne:Really fun.
Bobby: Yeah.
Anne: Your friends are kinda idiots.
Bobby: Yeah, I know. I just hang out with them to make me look awesome.
Anne: You wanna get out of here?
Bobby: Really?
Anne: No.
Bobby: Oh.
Anne: I’m kidding.
Bobby:I knew that.
Anne: So…
(they wave to their friends and leave)
Fermagelli: That’s our boy! C’mon, let’s dance.
(Fermagelli, Bill, Gary, Girl #1 and Girl #2 dance together)
Anne Hathaway: Thank you, thank you, to the Killers! Tina Fey! Queen Latifah! “The Secret Life of Bees” opens October 17th! “Rachel Getting Married” is in theaters! Thank you to the cast! To the writers! And the crew! The stars! Everyone! All of you! BEST week of my life!! BEST week of my life!! Thank you!! Bye!!
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as a Man enters from the bedroom carrying a box and approaches his female roommate, who has been packing a separate box ]
Marcus: [ with a lisp ] It’s been an amazing five years! And I will cherisss… every moment!
Amber: Hmm… it seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.
Marcus: Oh! you know, I only use use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners — who knew I’d find… a best friend, too?
Amber: [ she laughs ] And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! [ she playfully pokes his stomach ]
Marcus: Weelllllll…!
[ she laughs, as Jerome swaggers into the apartment ]
Jerome: Well! I’m glad SOMEONE’s having a good time, while I’m doing all the heavy lifting!
Marcus: Sorry, Sweetie!
Amber: Sorry, Jerome. [ she lifts her box ] These are the last two — I promise!
Jerome: Fine. Say your goodbyes, but you’d better not make my man cry.
[ Marcus and Jerome kiss on the lips, then Jerome exits with the two boxes, receiving a playful pat on the ass as he departs ]
Marcus: Well… [ he takes her hands ] I guess this is it! [ he fends back a tear ] I am going to miss you!
Amber: Ohhhh, Marcus… [ she hugs him ] Marcus.
[ Marcus stares into her eyes for a moment, then forcily leans in to kiss her on the lips ]
Amber: Marcus!! Marcus!! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] What are you doing?
Marcus: Come on, one kiss!
Amber: Whoa, whoa, Marcus — you’re GAY! Stop!
Marcus: [ a beat ] Actually… I’m not! [ he laughs ]
Amber: What? But..? Oh… yeah! Right! Like I’m gonna believe that! Mister “I Know Every single Song in “A Chorus Line” — I Have A Boyfriend!” I mean, come on — look, even the way you talk!
Marcus: It’s not how I really talk.
Amber: What?
Marcus: [ in a deeper voice ] It’s not how I really talk!
Amber: [ stunned, she backs away ] Oh, my God!
Marcus: [ laughing ] I know, I know — BUS-TED!! I know!
Amber: [ uneasily, as she fingers her hair ] What else have you lied about?
Marcus: Ummmm — well, I’m not really a hairstylist. [ she gasps ] Yeah.
Amber: But you cut my hair!
Marcus: Yeah, I got really lucky with that! [ he mimes using scissors ] Yeah, you know — I just kinda got good at it! It’s not too hard, actually. [ he chuckles ]
Amber: So… wait! When we would dance —
Marcus: Yeah?
Amber: And you would get erections —
Marcus: Right, right… That was NOT because of a disease — I made that up.
Amber: But… according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts —
Marcus: No, no — I know! I know! No, I wrote that page! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why it’s so conversational in tone, and… your name’s in it.
Amber: But I’ve… walked in on you… having sex with… dozens of men…
Marcus: Yeah! You gotta sell it. You gotta sell it! If you’re gonna lie to someone, for five years, you GOTS to sell it!
Amber: Oh, my God! Does Jerome know?!
Marcus: Uh — well —
[ Jerome re-enters the apartment ]
Jerome: Ooh, well, I’m off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Marcus: Yeah, I, uh — I told her I wasn’t gay, Jerry.
Jerome: [ slumps his shoulders in defeat ] Oh. Well, that’s cool. I’m gonna split, dude.
Marcus: [ low-fives him ] Alright, bro. [ they hug in as heterosexual manner as they can ] Where are you headed off to?
Jerome: I’m gonna go rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Marcus: Oh, right! Right!
[ Jerome exits the apartment in a dejected manner ]
Marcus: Good — good friend.
Amber: Sooooo… you pretended to be gay —
Marcus: Yeah.
Amber: For five years —
Marcus: Yes!
Amber: In the hopes that someday we would kiss?
Marcus: [ mulls it over ] Yeah, when you say it like that, it’s not a great plan, is it? [ he laughs in spite of himself, as she retreats away ] Oh, come on! Come on! Okay, okay! Stop, stop! [ she stops ] Don’t you get it, amber? I mean, don’t you see? Being your gay friend was — I don’t know — the only way I had a CHANCE with you! And, even though I — I don’t know — nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between… thirty or forty dudes… I, uh — yeah. I regret NOTHING! [ she looks at him, almost sympathetic ] Well, maybe thirty of forty things…
[ she turns away, disgusted ]
Marcus: [ singing, as the lights dim ] “Kiss today goodbyyyyyye! The sweetness… and the sorroooooowww! Wish me luck — the same, to yooooooouuuuu! But I can’t regret, what I did for loooooove!”
Together: [ singing ] “What I did, fooooorrrr, looooovvvvvvvveeee!!”
[ the lights come back on ]
Amber: [ smiling ] I don’t regret anything, either!
Marcus: [ nodding ] It might have been closer to fifty — fifty dudes, I think, actually…
[ they both shrug away the concern and hug joyously ]
Gwen Ifill…..Queen Latifah Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri ]
[ dissolve to moderator Gwen Ifill ]
Gwen Ifill: Good evening, I’m Gwen Ifill… and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri for the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let’s welcome the candidates.
[ applause as the two candidates emerge from the wings and greet one another at the center of the stage ]
Gov Sarah Palin: Hey, can I call you, “Joe”?
Sen. Joe Biden: Of course.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Okay, ’cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you “Joe”!
Sen. Joe Biden: Okay, great!
[ the two candidates take their respective podiums ]
Gwen Ifill: Now, tonight’s discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have ninety seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond “Do you agree?” or “Your response?”, so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book… [ she holds up her book ] “The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama”, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit… you should consider the debate a tie. [ Palin nods in agreement ] All right, let’s begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?
Sen. Joe Biden: Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it’s been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I’ve done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I LOVE John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But, at the same time, he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let’s be frank, John McCain — and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for — is bad at his job and is mentally unstable. As my mother would say, “God love him, but he’s a raging maniac…” and a dear, dear friend.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden! And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don’t look nearly as bad as everyone says! You know, John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks. And, gosh darnit, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that’s plaguin’ this great country of ours!
Gwen Ifill: How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves, “What would a maverick do in this situation?” And then, you know, we’ll do that! [ she winks coyly ]
Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?
Sen. Joe Biden: Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And, again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only ONE other person it would be John McCain — no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time, let me say that again: time.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden’s comments about Senator McCain?
Gov. Sarah Palin: No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein’ an outsider. You see, while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I’ve been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs, and I’d also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also, too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government, “Hey, get outta my way! Stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!” But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.
Sen. Joe Biden: You know I get a little tired of being told I’m an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania! And that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re gonna find. I’ll show you around some time and you’ll see. It’s a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn’t stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place! It’s a genetic cesspool! So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute WORST place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.
Gwen Ifill: Senator Palin, address your position on global warming and whether you think it’s man-made or not.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Gwen, we don’t know if this climate change hoozie-what’s-it is man-made or if it’s just a natural part of the “End of Days”. But… I’m not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you’re gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And ,also, too, the great Ronald Reagan. [ she nods proudly for the reference ]
Gwen Ifill: The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?
Sen. Joe Biden: I do. In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be NO distinction. I repeat, NO distinction.
Gwen Ifill: So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?
Sen. Joe Biden: Absolutely not! But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital. And, in a lot of ways, that’s just as good, if not better.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few, too. Not personally. But I know of them. I’ve seen “Ellen”. Oh! And there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn’t officially “a gay”, but, you know, we were pretty sure.
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I’m gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.
Gwen Ifill: I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ holding a flute ] Are we not doing the talent portion? [ she plays the flute anyway, then winks coyly ]
[ Ifill stares at Palin for a moment, then turns to address Biden ]
Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, your closing statement?
Sen. Joe Biden: My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully. And I’m gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, “Hey, this lady is a dummy!” But I didn’t! Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat: Joe Biden… [ he acknowledges himself ] is better… than that. [ he points to Palin, who waves ] So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant… you dopes got schooled, Biden-style!
Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I liked being here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their “follow-up questions”, “fact-checking”, or “incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order”. I’m, uh — I’m happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn’t like politics as usual or pronouncin’ the “g” and the end of the words she’s sayin’ I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home — Maverick. [ she mimes popping a beer can pull tab, throws one back, and smiles ]
Gwen Ifill: Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The book drops November 4th, and, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen Michael McCune…..Bobby Moynihan Jerome Gant…..Kenan Thompson Greg Phillips…..Bill Hader Judy Phillips…..Anne Hathaway Crystal…..Amy Poehler Herbert Sandler…..Darrell Hammond Marion Sandler…..Casey Wilson George Soros…..Will Forte
[ open on C-Span graphic ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout that was just passed by Congress.
[ dissolve to Bush, Pelosi, and Frank standing before reporters ]
President George W. Bush: Good afternoon. [ reading from notes ] On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences… and come together in a bipartisan spirit… to pass legislation that was absolutely vital… to ensre world confidence… in our financial markets… and to prevent a collapse in credit. Which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy. Approving this bill was the right thing to do… and I commend outr legislators for their actions. Speaker Pelosi?
Nancy Pelosi: [ she steps forward ] Thank you, Mr. President. I, too, applaud Congress for its vote, and add that, without your help, this bill might well have failed. [ Bush nods proudly ] Even though this financial crisis was 100% the fault of your administration… [ Bush adjusts his tie ] and it’s INSANE economic policies, and, though I’m sure you’ll agree, you WILL go down in history as our WORST president ever… this one time, you did manage somehow to not screw things up, and I want to acknowledge that.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Madam Speaker. I was glad to do it!
[ Frank steps forward ]
Barney Frank: Let me ADD, Mr. President… I was also pleased to see that, for the first time in your eight years in office, and, possibly, your ENTIRE LIFE, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency!
President George W. Bush: [ while waving to members of the press ] You bet. You bet.
Nancy Pelosi: [ returning to the front ] Let’s not forget, Mr. President, that it was the Democrats who first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging, and that your party resisted ALL our efforts to reign them in.
President George W. Bush: Wait, wait, wait! Wasn’t it MY administration that warned about the problem SIX years ago? [ Pelosi rolls her eyes nervously ] And it was the DEMOCRATS who refused to listen?!
Nancy Pelosi: W-what?! N-no. W-who told you that? That — that’s crazy! It’s completely the other way around!
President George W. Bush: Okay.
Barney Frank: [ whispering in Pelosi’s ear ] Uh, actually, this time — this time, he’s sort of right.
Nancy Pelosi: Shhh! Don’t say anything — he doesn’t know!
[ Frank nods ]
Nancy Pelosi: Now, there was another point we wanted to make here, and, uh, Mr. President, you are welcome to stay.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, I’d like that! [ he steps closer ]
Nancy Pelosi: Back there would be better.
President George W. Bush: No problem! [ he steps back, but mugs for the camera between Pelosi and Frank as they speak ]
Nancy Pelosi: In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets. What hasn’t been talked about is that, behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans. People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors. And, today, we’d like to introduce you to some of them. [ two young men step forward ] Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules, and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes. Please tell us your story.
Michael McCune: Uhhh, well… to start, I still don’t understand how this happened. I mean, I mean — I fot all the requirements for a subprime mortgage. Uhhh — no credit history…
Jerome Gant: Same here!
Michael McCune: …no job!
Jerome Gant: Me, neither!
Michael McCune: …minor criminal record!
Jerome Gant: Dit-to!
Michael McCune: …dishonorable discharge from the Army!
Jerome Gant: Yeah, I got mine right here!
Michael McCune: …uh, drug problems!
Jerome Gant: Me, too!
Michael McCune: …alcohol problems!
Jerome Gant: Guilty as charged!
Michael McCune: …gambling addiction!
Jerome Gant: Yeah!
Michael McCune: …pregnant girlfriend — actually, TWO pregnane girlfriends!
Jerome Gant: Just the one!
Michael McCune: Yeah. Well, anyway, I was talked into a “balloon mortgage”, where you move into the house, and then you get to live in it, and you don’t have to pay money or anything to the bank, but then, later, you DO!
Jerome Gant: Yeah! What up with that?!
Michael McCune: Yeah! I mean, you could say I’m a double-victim, since I’ve never had a job, and now I don’t have a home!
Jerome Gant: Well, I’m a triple-victim, ’cause I’ve also been charged with arson, for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.
Nancy Pelosi: You are — you are both in our thoughts. [ she hugs Michael, but avoids hugging Jerome ]
Michael McCune: Thank you!
Jerome Gant: That’s nice!
Nancy Pelosi: This is — this is Greg Phillips, and his wife Judy. [ the Phillips’ step forward ] How did the housing market collapse affect you?
Greg Phillips: Well, my wife and I bought two dozen timeshare condos, which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them six months later for TRIPLE the purchase price, and then the real estate market tanked.
Nancy Pelosi: And you were doing this through…?
Judy Phillips: Misrepresentation.
Nancy Pelosi: Uh, no — I meant, did you do this out of your home, or…?
Judy Phillips: Out of greed.
Greg Phillips: Yes, out of greed.
Nancy Pelosi: And then, now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen timeshare condos that you can’t sell?
Judy Phillips: Unless we sold them for, like, ten per cent more than we paid.
Nancy Pelosi: So, you — you can’t make your mortgage payment?
Greg Phillips: Not without selling the boat… or putting off eseential cosmetic surgery.
[ a pregnant woman joins the Phillips ]
Nancy Pelosi: And, uh — who is this?
Greg Phillips: This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.
Crystal: Whasssssupppp?!!!
Greg Phillips: You see… I can’t have children — without getting BAD stretch marks.
Nancy Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.
[ the Phillips’ step away, as the Sandlers step forward ]
Nancy Pelosi: This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.
Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them as securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio’s worth almost nothing, though, at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.
Nancy Pelosi: My God, I am so sorry! Were you able to sell it for anything?
Herbert Sandler: Yes! For $24 billion!
Nancy Pelosi: I see. So, in that sense… you’re not here to speak as actual victims?
Herbert Sandler: [ he chuckles ] No, no, no! That would be Wachovia Bank!
Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy!
Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why — we were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.
Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s — it’s delightful to see you, Nancy!
[ Pelosi hugs Mrs. Sandler ]
Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans, for helping block congressional oversight of our corrupt activity. [ he and his wife step away ]
Barney Frank: Not at all! But… let me say something else here: you know, many of you are probably wondering where did that $700 billion missing from our economy go? And to help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire Hedge Funds manager, George Soros.
[ George Soros steps forward ]
George Soros: So, what become of that $700 billion? Well, basically, it belongs to ME now! Actually, it’s not even American dollars any more, but Swiss francs, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.
President George W. Bush: Oh, really? That’s not good.
George Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you. [ Bush backs away ] The U.S. Dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week, either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided which yet; it would depend on how I feel.
Barney Frank: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man!
George Soros: Yes. Could I just add that, uh, even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it!
Nancy Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros, and a powerful one.
Barney Frank: You are BETTER than us!
George Soros: Mmm-hmm. [ turns to face Mr. Phillips ] Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.
Greg Phillips: Sure.
Judy Phillips: Okay!
[ dissolve to C-Span graphic card ]
Announcer: We will now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy issues already in progress, where Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 4th, 2008 Anne Hathaway The Killers None Queen Latifah Tina Fey None
Vice Presidential DebateSummary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) plugs her book while moderating the vice-presidential debate between Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Scranton survivor Sen. Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Gwen Ifill, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin. Transcript
Montage
Anne Hathaway’s MonologueSummary: After announcing her ex-boyfriend’s trouble, Anne Hathaway announces that her new love interest is a Nigerian prince she met over the Internet. Transcript
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) is oblivious to the musical stylings of sisters Janice (Anne Hathaway), Holly (Amy Poehler), Nora (Casey Wilson), and tiny-handed Denise (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
Bailout Press ConferenceSummary: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig) holds President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) accountable for the $700 billion that has affected hard-working slackers all across America. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank. Transcript
Guest HouseSummary: A group of guys (Fred Armisen, Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader) struggle to get noticed by a group of girls (Anne Hathaway, Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson) at a dance club. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg vs. Kristen Wiig in the Extreme Activities Competition. Transcript
The Killers perform “Human”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Orville Willis Forte IV (Will Forte) sings a detailed song outlining which politicians voted yay or nay for the bailout plan. Transcript
Mary PoppinsSummary: When Michael (Bobby Moynihan) and Jane Banks (Casey Wilson) question the definition of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, Mary Poppins (Anne Hathaway) obliquely allows that it’s a sexually transmitted disease which affects the liver. Transcript
Sioux City News 3Summary: It’s bloopers galore for the most Youtubed local newscast in America. Transcript
Mark Wahlberg Talks To AnimalsSummary: Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg) talks to animals. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal for last season’s episode hosted by Steve Carell. Transcript
I’m Not GaySummary: Moments before she moves out of their apartment, Marcus (Jason Sudeikis) reveals his true sexual orientation to his roommate Amber (Anne Hathaway). Transcript
The Killers perform “Spaceman
The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy PerrySummary: Katy Perry (Casry Wilson) maintains the beat but not the sexual electricity in a series of pedestrian sound-alike hits. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals for the episodes hosted by Michael Phelps and Anna Faris. Transcript
…..Seth Meyers …..Amy Poehler Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Judy Grimes…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
With the nation facing a historic financial crisis, President Bush, on Thursday, convened the summit that included John McCain, Barack Obama, and senior members of Congress. Afterwards, their efforts were commemorated with this banner: [ McCain, Bush, Barack stand in front of a “Nothing Accomplished” banner ]
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it would do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, youre on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Seth Meyers: Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea of how much money that is, I CAN’T give you an idea of how much money that is.
The first Presidential debate took place last night, and, earlier in the week, Barack Obama said that he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not. Marking the first time in history the Black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a White one.
Amy Poehler: Police in West Virginia charged a man with one count of battery, after he passed gas at one of the officers. Meaning the Supreme Court may have to revisit the landmark case of Smelt It v. Dealt It.
Seth Meyers: v. Dealt It?
Amy Poehler: v. Dealt It!
Seth Meyers: As the election approaches, both candidates have been relying more and more on the support of their party leaders. Here to comment on the race is one such leader — the 42nd President of the United States, President Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth… and thank you, Amy… and, most especially, thank you, Duffy. [ the audience cheers ] I’m here tonight because our nation is in the midst of a great crisis. People ask me who can propel American out of this economic freefall, and put us back on track. And I tell them… “Brack Obama is the only… Democratic nominee for President.”
Seth Meyers: That — that doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement.
Bill Clinton: [ scoffs ] I don’t think I can be any more clearer.I belong to the Democratic Party. Barack Obama’s also in the Democratic Party. And I’m not a party wrecker. I love parties! A lot of times, I show up at a party and people say, “Maaaan, this party was BEAT, ’til you got here!” Yesterday, I asked somebody, “Hey? Do you party?” You can see where my support lies.
Seth Meyers: Mmm-hmm. So — [ he laughs ] you support Barack Obama for President of the United States?
Bill Clinton: [ he guffaws ] Let me just lay it out! I… support… Barack… Obama… is something I’ve heard from people all over this country. What this country needs is change. Come January, we cannot… have… the same… president.
Seth Meyers: Well, of course we can’t have the same president. It would be a change whether it’s Obama or McCain.
Bill Clinton: [ grabs his head ] That’s true! I didn’t even THINK about that! That is a GREAT point! John McCain would also be a change! But, look, I’m not here to bash John McCain.
Seth Meyers: Well, you haven’t been…
Bill Clinton: That’s right. I’m not gonna trsh John McCain just because he’s a Republican, or a war hero, or a great friend who’s hilarious and cool. I will not. I will not. I, for one, respect those things. Still, there are many things we disagree on. For instance, Sen. McCain likes the show “C.S.I.” Whereas, I love… “Californication”.
Seth Meyers: Well, there might be qualities about John McCain you respect, but do you honestly believe that Gov. Sarah Palin is prepared to be Vice-President?
Bill Clinton: Look… sometimes women will be uncomfortable doing something at first… [ extended cheers and applause from the audience ] I have found, with enough persuasion… they will come around.
Seth Meyers: I’m sorry… I’m still a little confused. It almost sounds like you’re endorsing the McCain-Palin ticket.
Bill Clinton: Oh, Seth. I’m gonna say this one more time: There is only one man for this job. [ he stops ]
Seth Meyers: And?
Bill Clinton: And… watch “Californication”! The sex scenes are so real, that that guy had to go to sex rehab!
Seth Meyers: President Bill Clinton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works is: you enter the maze, and then suddenly realzie you’re in way over your head.
Seth Meyers: Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben & Jerry’s to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. After which, Ben & Jerry’s introduced their new flavor: Chocolate Mint — ’cause they’re NOT gonna use breast milk!
Nearly 300 tow trucks participated Sunday in a parade through New York, in an attempt to break a record. The record? Least Gay Parade.
Amy Poehler: A Japanese artist is creating tree huts in New York’s Madison Square Park, which resemble children’s treehouses and are meant for thinking, dreaming, and remembering… but will be used for sleeping, urinating, and masturbating.
Seth Meyers: Sunday’s 60th Prime Time Emmy Awards were hosted by the five reality show nominees, in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.
Amy Poehler: Now, we all know it’s no secret that recent economic woes have had a serious effect on the travel industry. In order to recoup losses, most airlines are implementing checked bag fees and gasoline surcharges. Here to discuss this trend, once again, is travel writer Judy Grimes.
Judy Grimes: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Hiiiiiiii!! Just kidding, I don’t say “Hi” like that, I say “Hi” like this: [ low-pitched ] Hiii! Just kidding, that was a little more normal than I say it. “Hi!” That’s how I say it, that’s how I say it — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Hi, Judy. Uh — now, Judy, last time you were here, you let your nerves get the best of you. And, I have to say, you still sound pretty nervous. You sure you’re ready to do thid?
Judy Grimes: [ nervously ] Mmm-hmm…
Amy Poehler: Okay! Great! Judy, what do you think about the airlines charging $50 for checked bags? I mean, is there a way a person can travel without spending a fortune?
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] Actually, there’s a few ways — just kidding, there’s only one way — just kidding, I don’t know how many ways there are — just kidding, I do, there’s eight — just kidding, there’s eighteen, I counted them — just kidding, my friend did and she never lies — just kidding, she lied once, but I wasn’t there — just kidding, we’re not really friends, we work together — just kidding, I work by myself — just kidding, I work out by myself — just kidding, I don’t work out, ’cause I kicked out of my gym — just kidding, it closed — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Judy, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say maybe you’re still a little too nervous.
Judy Grimes: Mmm-hmm — just kidding.
Amy Poehler: Well, maybe — you know, you can come back another time.
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] I’m fine. Besides, I… can’t come back another time because I’m too busy — just kidding, I’m not busy — just kidding, I am but I don’t have any time for you — just kidding, I don’t know how to make time — just kidding, but I know how to make pies — just kidding, I don’t — just kidding, I do, and I’ll make one right now — just kidding, I can’t, because I don’t have a pan — just kidding, I do, but I gotta buy sugar — just kidding, I have what I need, but I don’t have a stove — just kidding, there’s a stove under here, it’s hot — ouch! — just kidding, there’s no stove under here, there’s one at my house, let’s go there right now — just kidding, we can’t all go together, it’s hard to travel in a group — just kidding, we can’t do it because my car’s not big enough — just kidding, we’re in right now, this whole studio’s my car — just kidding, it isn’t — just kidding, it is — beep, beep! Get out of my way! — just kidding, we’re not in my car — just kidding, I wrecked my car — just kidding, I ran into a tree — just kidding, it was a bush — just kidding, it was a man, he was very upset — just kidding, he laughed — just kidding, he died — just kidding, it was a dream — just kidding, it wasn’t a dream, it was a movie I rented — just kidding, I bought it, and now I regret it, it wasn’t very good — just kidding, it was okay — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Wow, thank you. Once again, thanks for nothing, Judy.
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] My name’s not Judy, it’s Nudy — just kidding, that’s dumb — just kidding, it’s smart — just kidding, it’s not really anything, but, just for the record, my name is actually Julie, you’ve always said it wrong, I didn’t say anything — just kidding, I did but nobody listened — just kidding, they did — just kidding — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Judy Grimes, everybody. Judy Grimes.
Seth Meyers: Police in Portland, Oregon told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained. Which raises the question: What in God’s name has happened to construction workers?
A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar. By the time police arrived, the man had been super-poked beyond recognition.
Amy Poehler: Scientists reported this week that a newly-discovered chicken-sized dinosaur that lived in North America survived by eating termites. The scientists arrived at this conclusion using a technique they call Guessing.
A man in New York State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week, after he took his pants off before going into a donut shop. The man said he only did it so he could carry mroe donuts.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers.
Mike: [ caught off guard again ] Yeah, yeah, yeah — I’m Mike.
Mary: I haven’t been totally honest with you. I didn’t dump my last boyfriend. He was arrested. It turned out he was a lawyer for drug deals.
Mike: [ with mock surprise ] Oh, my good-ness! That’s cra-zy!
Mary: Yes. And, as they dragged him away, the last thing he said was, “Mary, your life is in danger! People are going to be out to get you because of what you know! Don’t trust ANYBODY!” [ she smiles ] So, you can imagine how happy I was when a handsome stranger Facebooked me out of nowhere, and asked me to go out on a date in the middle of a lake!
Mike: Yeah. Life is CRAZY like that!
Mary: Yes! It IS crazy like that!
[ music pots up, as she breaks into song ]
Mary: “How did I meet this guy? How did I get so lucky? Hey, Mr. Perfect Time I swear he’s my knight in shining armour! He makes me smile, he makes me laugh! His arms are so strong, he could break me in half! How did I meet this guy? How did I get so lucky?”
[ on the other side of the boat, Mike breaks into song as well ]
Mike: “I gotta KILL this lady! Ideally, within the NEXT half-hour! Then I can drive back home And catch the end of Monday Night Football I feel kinda bad, ’cause she seems really nice But such is the life of a professional hit man! I gotta KILL this lady! And then catch Monday Night Football.”
[ music fades ]
Mary: Mike? I know it’s only our first date, but… I feel like we’re soul mates.
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah — that’s true. That’s true. We have many similarities.
Mary: “I’m starting to get a bad feeling That this is a man who’s been paid to kill me. I bet his name isn’t Mike Which is why he’s confused when I say Mike. I should have suspected that something was wrong When the boat ws chained up and he shot the lock off. Why did I trust this guy? Why am I such a dum-my?”
[ music fades ]
Mike: You’re right. My name’s not Mike.
Mary: How did you know I was thinking that?
Mike: Well, you’ve been singing out loud.
Mary: So, are — are you gonna kill me?
Mike: No. I-I-I-I can’t do it. I lost my nerve.
Mary: [ smiling ] Is it because we’re soul mates?
Mike: No, no, no. I just gotta get out of this lake. I just remembered I can’t swim.
Mary: I’ll paddle, Mike.
Mike: Well, it’s… Darren.
[ music pots up again, as they break into song together ]
[ simultaneously: ]
Mary: “I’m gonna have sex with this guy!”
Mike: “I’m gonna have sex with this girl!”
Together: “How did I get so lucky?”
[ camera pans out to studio wide shot, and fades ]
Announcer: And now, part 4 of Katie Couric’s interview with Alaska governor Sarah Palin.
[ dissolve to Sarah Palin and Katie Couric seated across from one another on interview set ]
Katie Couric: Gov. Palin, thank you for agreeing to talk with me one more time.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, hey… you know… sure!
Katie Couric: [ blinking massively ] Did you enjoy your week in New York City?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, Katie, I did, and I wasn’t sure I would, at first. New York is, of course, home to the Liberal media elite, but Todd and the kids had a great time going to the Central Park and the, and the F.A.O. Schwartz, and that kooky evolution museum!
Katie Couric: So, it sounds like the trip was a success?
Gov. Sarah Palin: There were some funny moments! For instance, I had fifteen or twenty false alarms where I thought I saw Osama bin Laden driving a taxi! And I was embarrassed to be wrong, but, mostly, I was disappointed I wasn’t right! Also, in an area to bone up on foreign policy, I went to the Times Square area to see a film called “The Bush Doctrine” — it was NOT about politics!
Katie Couric: You went to the UN for the first time. How was that experience?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, it was just amazing, so many interesting people, though, I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreignors! I can promise that, when Sen. McCain and I are elected, we’re gonna get those jobs back in American hands!
Katie Couric: [ stunned into quiet confusion ] How did the world leaders you met… react to you?
Gov. Sarah Palin: They embraced me, Katie! Figuratively and — a couple of those Pakistani guys — literally. [ show footage of Palin shaking hands with various foreign leaders ] But they were all so welcoming. Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan; Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq; or Bono, the King of Ireland!
Katie Couric: On foreign policy, I want to give you… one more chance… to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience, based on Alaska’s proximity to Russia. What did you mean by that?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border. [ she holds up her hands ] You’ve got Alaska here, and this right here is water, and, then, that up there is Russia. So we keep an eye on them.
Katie Couric: And how do you do that, exactly?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do is look outside and see if there are any Russians hanging around. If there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, “What are ya’ doing here?” And if they give you a good reason — they can’t — then, it’s our responsibility to say, you know, “Shoo! Get back over there!”
Katie Couric: Sen. McCain shut down his campaign this week, in order to deal with the economic crisis. What’s your opinion of this potential $700 billion bailout?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Like every American I’m speaking with, we are ill about this! We’re saying, “Hey! Why bail out Fannie and Freddie, and not me?” But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those that are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. To help, um — it’s gotta be about job creation, too. Also, about shoring up our economy, and putting Fannie and Freddie back on the right track. And, so, health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending, ’cause, Barack Obama, you know? You know, we’ve got to accompany tax reduction, and tax relief for Americans. Also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants — that’s gonna help. But, one in five jobs being created today, under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know, also>.
Katie Couric: [ shaking her head ] What lessons have you learned from Iraq, and how, specifically, would you spread democracy abroad?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Specifically, we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it!
Katie Couric: Yes, but, specifically, what would you do?
Gov. Sarah Palin: We’re gonna promote freedom, usher in democratic values and ideals, and fight terror-loving terrorists.
Katie Couric: But, again — and, not to belabor the point — one specific thing?
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ after an extended silence ] Katie, I’d like to use one of my lifelines!
Katie Couric: I’m sorry?
Gov. Sarah Palin: I want to phone a friend!
Katie Couric: You don’t have any lifelines.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, in that case, I’m just gonna have to get back to ya’!
Forgive me, Mrs. Palin, but it seems to me that, when cornered, you become increasingly adorable. Is that fair to say?
Gov. Sarah Palin: [ in a cutesy-pie manner ] I don’t know, is it? [ she fires her fingers like pistols ]
Katie Couric: Gov. Palin, is there anything else you’d like to say, other than “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Yes — “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight”!
I love you but I gotta stay true my morals got me on my knees I’m begging please stop playing games
I don’t know what this is but you got me good just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do but you do it well I’m under your spell
You got me begging you for mercy why won’t you release me you got me begging you for mercy why won’t you release me I said release me
Now you think that I will be something on the side but you got to understand that I need a man who can take my hand yes I do
I don’t know what this is but you got me good just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do but you do it well I’m under your spell
You got me begging you for mercy why won’t you release me you got me begging you for mercy why wont you release me I said you’d better release yeah yeah yeah
I’m begging you for mercy yes why won’t you release me I’m begging you for mercy
you got me begging you got me begging you got me begging
Mercy, why won’t you release me I’m begging you for mercy why won’t you release me
you got me begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy I’m begging you for mercy
Why won’t you release me yeah yeah break it down.”
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