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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

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03b: Justin Timberlake

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

When voters in California went to the polls Tuesday for the gubernatoral recall race, they found the names of the 135 contenders on a ballot six pages long. Thus, making it the longest thing most Californians have ever read.

In his first news conference after being elected Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to “clean house in Sacramento.” He also threatened to “molest the energy crisis” and to “date rape the deficit.”

Jimmy Fallon: For the first time, the annual event Gay Day, in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was held at EuroDisney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men in Paris since “The Day Before.”

A Harlem man, Antoine Yates, is recovering in a hospital, after being mauled by a pet 400-pound tiger, which he was keeping in his apartment. Thus dealying the opening of the new Las Vegas show: Siegfried & Antoine.

Tina Fey: In an effort to improve her image, Shannen Doherty has signed on to produce and act in a new sitcom about a young woman with a reputation for being difficult. and mean, but who’s really kind at heart. Doherty will play that woman’s bitchy friend.

Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the soze of a walnut will go on auction at sothrby’s. And just in time, because Kobe Bryant’s wife has a birthday coming up.

Speaking of which, the preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant’s rape trial turned ugly on Thursday, when Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s lawyer, “accidentally” said his accuser’s name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admoished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman’s name five times, which is really bad. Because what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the qwomean’s name, is to put hwer at risk of further harassment. A laweyer, like Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm Haddon, Morgan, Mueller, George, Mackey & Foreman – which is probably in the 303 area code – should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name, like Joe Smith, or, I don’t know – Pamela Mackey – and learn everything about them, and call them and mess with them, and stuff! So, be mroe careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, because I heard a rumor that you’re a little unstable, and you like to give wobble jobs to homeless guys! And, I want you to focus up and win this trial. I’m Pamela Mackey – back to you, Pamela Mackey!

Jimmy Fallon: Environmentalists announced this week that two dams on a river in Maine are to be torn down, in an effort to encourage salmon to return to the river to spawn. Also encouraging salmon to spawn: salmon porn.

Tina Fey: After a week of speculation by the press, Rush Limbaugh aditted on Friday that he is addicted to painkillers, and, I’m sorry to say, hoagies.

Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation – and lesbians.

Female Dutch athletes will appear nude on a Pay-Per-View website to pay for their training. And they are showing everything! We’re talking full-frontal duffenstorken.. shaved skrunk.. pootenschtabs.. girl-on-girl gorking —

Jimmy Fallon: I-I heard, uh.. one of them even had their glooberschnook in a stugenslume.

Tina Fey: No way! They’re showing their cloberhabinschnit?

Jimmy Fallon: Zork!

Tina Fey: Ooh! Flerm!

[ they pause to mark the end of the scene ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile —

[ still cracking up ] Flerm??

Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile telephone licenses to three Middle Eastern companies on Monday, saying service could begin by the end of the month. This means Iraq will soon be able to talk anywhere at any time, about how they have no electricty or food.

Tina Fey: Now, this is an odd story. Last week, a couple hiking on a remote mountain in Sweden found seventy pairs of shoes, all filled with butter. To see something like that here in America, you would have to travel all the way to Starr Jones’ closet.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

A Message From Nick Lachey And Jessica Simpson

Nick Lachey…..Jimmy Fallon
Jessica Simpson…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: And now, a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Hi. I’m Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 Degrees, and currently of.. well.. nothing.

Jessica Simpson: And I’m his wife Jessica Simpson, formerly of the band.. Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Recently, thanks to our TV show “Newlyweds”, a lot of people have been saying a lot of nasty things about my wife!

Jessica Simpson: Seriously, you guys – it’s totally me! I’m not stupid! Okay.. okay, so I’m not some fancy “middle school” graduate! Big whoop! Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever comes after middle school?! I don’t thknk so!

Nick Lachey: Look, here’s the deal – I’ve known Jessica for a long time, and I know she’s not gonna cure cancer, okay? To be honest.. I wouldn’t even trust her to cure a ham.

Jessica Simpson: [ concerned ] Awwww.. the ham is sick?

Nick Lachey: Once we got past all that.. I realized something very important – she wasn’t going to let me have sex with her unless we were married.

Jessica Simpson: Uh-uh, no way!

Nick Lachey: So.. so I married her, and it was awesome! Like, really, really awesome! Then, it got less awesome. Then, it got awesome again, from different angles – you know what I mean.

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What are you talking about, honey?

Nick Lachey: Uh.. don’t worry about it. Uh.. the point is – everyone should just back off, okay?

Jessica Simpson: For reals, y’all! You guys are just overreacting! So what if I thought Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken?! Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out of buffalos?! So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought that Peter Pan was ground up to make peanut butter?! So what if I never learn to read or write?! And, when I sign autographs, I have to sign with an “X“?!

Nick Lachey: Okay honey, that’s enough.. we’ve got it–

Jessica Simpson: No, Nick! It’s not enough! I want these people to know that it hurt my feelings.. [ begins to weep ] ..when they say I’m not ed-u-ma-cated, or whatever! I mean, if I’m so retarded, how come my driver’s license says.. “functionally retarded”?!

Nick Lachey: Okay, honey, th-that’s drop that..!

Jessica Simpson: So, in conclusion, you may call me “Dumb”.. you may call me “Stupid”.. you may even call me “Dumb“.. but think about this! [ leans back, quiet ]

Nick Lachey: Wh-what, honey? Think about what?

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What?

Nick Lachey: The point. You were making a point?

Jessica Simpson: When? [ a beat ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool!

Nick Lachey: That’s great, that’s great, that’s great..

Jessica Simpson: When I said “pool”, I meant “toilet”!

Nick Lachey: Okay, I got it–

Jessica Simpson: And “kids” meant “poop!“

Nick Lachey: Okay, okay..

Announcer: This has been a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Justin’s Dressing Room

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Amy Poehler
…..Justin Timberlake

Maya: I think he’s even cuter in person.

Rachel: I know. He’s totally adorable.

Maya: I know.

Amy: Who? Who’s totally adorable?

Maya: What do you mean who? Justin Timberlake.

Amy: Eh.

Rachel: “Eh”…What do you mean “eh?”

Amy: I don’t know. I mean I love his album. And I mean I get it – I think he’s cute. But he just doesn’t really do it for me.

Maya: What?!

Rachel: You’re crazy!

Amy: Well I gotta go talk to your “boyfriend” about my sketch, so I’ll tell him that you love him.

Maya: Ugh, lucky.

Amy: [knocks on Justin’s dressing room door] Hey Justin.

Justin: Oh hey.

Amy: Hey, um, can I talk to you about the leprechaun sketch? Uh…it’s kinda noisy, you want me to close the door?

Justin: Why? Are we gonna make out?

Amy: [laughs nervously] What?

Justin: I-I was just kidding. Here, sit down.

Amy: Ok, um, there’s just a note I want to give you about the pot of gold part…

Justin: [gets closer] Oh I love the pot of gold part.

Amy: You do?

Justin: Yeah it’s funny.

Amy: Oh…you’re really funny in it.

Justin: Well we’re pretty awesome together.

Amy: [laughs nervously] Yeah. How old are you?

Justin: 22.

Amy: Wow you’re really mature.

Justin: Thanks.

[Amy stares at him]

Justin: So what about the scene?

Amy: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Um, the pot of gold’s already gonna be out there so you don’t need to bring it out. So, ya know, it’ll give you a little bit more time.

Justin: Ok cool.

Amy: Ok.

Justin: So, is that it?

Amy: Yeah.

Justin: Was it good for you?

Amy: [laughs nervously] “Was it good for you?” Like we were gonna have sex or something. God can you imagine that? [seriously] I mean can you imagine that?

Justin: Awkward…Well I gotta go get ready for the a –

Amy: Yeah totally. I get it. Um, Sorry I bothered you Jerstin. Jerstin?! I just called you Jerstin. You’re Justin. You’re Justin Timberlake. Why would I say Jer—I’m spitting on you too. Here let me wipe it off. [rubs on his chest and goes into his shirt a little]

Justin: Yeah ok. Ok thanks Rachel.

Amy: Oh, I’m Amy.

Justin: Sorry.

Amy: It doesn’t matter You’re the best! I really enjoy working with you [shakes his hand]

Justin: Alright

Amy: And you’ve just been really good tonight [clings to him by wrapping her arms and legs around him] Just, just just let me do this. Just let me do this.

Justin: Can somebody help me out here? [walks out with her still attached to him]

Submitted by: Catrina

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Punk’d

Ashton Kutcher…..Justin Timberlake
Lawyer…..Chris Parnell
Fred Durst…..Jeff Richards
Mugger #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mugger #2…..Horatio Sanz
Christina Aguilera…..Maya Rudolph
50 Cent…..Finesse Mitchell
Dax…..Will Forte

Ashton Kutcher(VO): You watched the “Real World – You Never Saw: Las Vegas.” You seen Jackass Steve-o “Don’t Try This at Home.” Now MTV drops a special edition DVD of their newest hit show “Punk’d: Barely Legal,” starring me, Ashton Kutcher. I’m awesome! [appears] Here’s the deal, I’m Ashton Kutcher. I’m awesome! We’re showing you all the pranks we weren’t allowed to put on MTV but now we can, because my lawyer found a loophole. Ain’t that right, man?

Lawyer: Well it’s not really a loophole. What you’re doing is actually very illegal, Ashton

Ashton Kutcher: Call me Kooch [pushes him out of the frame] Check out when we punk Fred Durst!

[Fred comes out of a backstage door, 2 muggers with guns approach him]

Mugger #1: Hey Fred Durst! Fred Durst!

Mugger #2: Gimme your wallet Fred Durst!

Fred Durst: Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt my beautiful face. I’ll do anything. I’ll – I’ll touch you wiener. I’ll touch your —

Ashton Kutcher: [appears] What’s going on in here? Ha! Fred Durst you just got Punk’d. They didn’t even ask you to touch their wiener – you just offered it. I’m awesome!

[just him in the frame] Ha! What a wuss. Why am I so kick ass? Is it because I ‘m dating Demi Moore? Yeah, you know it. Ha! Here’s one you won’t see on t.v. Watch how we punk Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera: [in a recording studio]
“I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Yes words can’t bring me down.”

[dry heaves]

Oh my god. What’s wrong with me? I’ve been sick all mornin’.

Ashton Kutcher: [appears] You’re gonna be a mom!

Christina Aguilera: What?

Ashton Kutcher: You just got Punk’d! We switched out your birth control pills.

Christina Aguilera: Oh my God. You got me. You are so good.

Ashton Kutcher: I know I am. I’m Aston Kutcher. I’m awesome!

[just him in the frame] Hahaha! Hilarious as usual.

Lawyer: Really problematic. I don’t think you can release the DVD – [Ashton pushes him out of the frame]

Ashton Kutcher: My life is perfect! But sometimes the pranks aren’t. That’s when you gotta use the ole noodle. Like when we tried to punk 50 Cent. Watch Dax make him think there’s a monster in his room!

50 Cent: [in a bedroom, walks to the bathroom, jumps back and shuts the door] Yo, I’m not going in there. There’s a vampire in the bathtub.

[Dax comes out and 50 Cent shoots him repeatedly, finally throwing the empty gun at him]

Ashton Kutcher: [appears, laughing] Dude that’s awesome! You didn’t know that you were gonna kill somebody. And Dax didn’t even know he was gonna get killed. It’s a double punk!

[jumping on the bed]

I’m awesome! I’m Ashton Kutcher. I love Justin Timberlake [jumps out of the scene]

Ashton Kutcher (VO): “Punk’d: Barely Legal” available every place that’s awesome!

Submitted by: Catrina

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake
Audience Member…..Steve Higgins

Justin Timberlake: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It is so exciting to be here! I’ve watched this show since I was a wee little boy. I remember my mom would let me stay up late. That was way, way, way back in the day, when.. Molly Shannon and Chris Kattan were on the show. And now, I’m here! I’ve been touring the country all summer.. and, my favorite thing to do towards the end of my concert is.. is, uh.. actually bring somebody up from the audience, up on the stage, and then sing a song for them. So.. I thoughyt I’d start the show tonight by doing just that. Who? [ audience applauds wildly in anticipation ] So, everybody got their ticket? I’m gonna pick the, uh.. the lucky winner.. right now.. [ pulls number ] who is.. whoever is seated in Row — Seat G-14.

[ camera pans across the audience, until we see a middle-aged male audience member jump excitedly from his seat clutching his ticket ]

Audience Member: Me!! G-14!! [ laughs excitedly ] G-14!!

Justin Timberlake: Okay.. My fans are usually a little younger.. and a.. different gender.

Audience Member: [ excited, laughs ]

Justin Timberlake: Let me guess. You have a daughter.

Audience Member: Yes, I do! Yes, I do! [ laughs ] She’s a real — she’s a really big fan of yours. And she plays your music so much, you know, I.. I ended up liking it, too!

Justin Timberlake: Well, thanks. What’s your daughter’s name?

Audience Member: Anna.

Justin Timberlake: Oh. Well.. [ in the direction of the audience ] Well, hey, Anna.. maybe she would like to come down, and then I could sing a song —

Audience Member: Oh, my God, she would love to! But we only had the one ticket – she’s at home watching. [ waves at the camera ] Hey, Anna!

Justin Timberlake: Great. Okay. Well, uh.. what song do you want me to sing?

Audience Member: Whatever you usually sing would be nice, you know?

Justin Timberlake: I usually sing “Take It From Here”.

Audience Member: Thank you! Yes!

Justin Timberlake: Uh.. I actually give the girl a rose, too..

Audience Member: [ laughs ]

Justin Timberlake: Ready?

Audience Member: Ready. [ excited ]

Justin Timberlake: [ begins to sing an acoustic version of “Take It From Here”, then quickly pulls the plug when he sees the Audience Member getting too into it ] Okay, you know what? I can’t do this! I can’t sing this song to you, dude! I’ll tell you what, I’ll do a different song. What’s your favorite song to hear me sing?

Audience Member: The one you do about Britney.

Justin Timberlake: Okay, what’s your second favorite song by me?

Audience Member: How about.. “Rock Your Body”?

Justin Timberlake: “Rock Your Body”?! Great!

Audience Member: “Rock Your Body”! Come on!

Justin Timberlake: No, no, no, no – I’m goinna go over there —

Audience Member: You’re gonna go over there. Okay.

Justin Timberlake: You stay here —

Audience Member: Great! I’ll wait here!

Justin Timberlake: — and you introduce me from the stage.

Audience Member: I will introduce you, Justin!

Justin Timberlake: Okay.

Audience Member: Okay. Before.. before you go, could you do me one favor? Just sign an autograph?

Justin Timberlake: Sure.

Audience Member: [ opens his shirt ] “To Glen.”

Justin Timberlake: I don’t sign dudes’ breasts.

Audience Member: Of course you don’t.. of course you don’t.. [ closes his shirt ]

Justin Timberlake: Thanks.

Audience Member: I’ll be here; you’ll be there! [ Timberlake walks over to the musical guests stage ] Ladies and gentlemen! Singing my second favorite song in the world, “Rock Your Body” – Mr. Justin Timberlake!

[ camera pans over to the musica guest stage, as Timberlake and his band perform “Rock Your Body” ]

[ at finish, Timberlake re-addresses the audience ]

Justin Timberlake: We’ve got a great show. I’m Justin Timberlake. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Rainbow Connection

…..Justin Timberlake
Kermit/Bill…..Will Forte

[ open on Timberlake standing in front of a faux brick wall ]

Justin Timberlake: Growing up, the two shows I never missed were.. “Saturday Night Live”.. and “The Muppet Show”. So, if you don’t mind, there’s antoher dream I’ve always had, and that’s to sing.. with Kermit the Frog.

[ Kermit the Frog appears atop the brick wall ]

Hello, Kermit.

Kermit: Justin, I’d be honored to sing with you.

Justin Timberlake: Well, I just figured.. when’s the next time you’re gonna have a chance, right?

Kermit: Well, uh.. what shall we sing?

Justin Timberlake: I’ve already got it picked out.

[ SNL Band accompanies the duo by playing “The Rainbow Connection” ]

Kermit: Awww.. this is a nice one!

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows?
And what’s on the other side.”

Kermit: [ singing ]
“Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide.”

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“So we’ve been told
And some choose to believe.”

Kermit: [ singing ] “I know they’re wrong, wait and see.”

Together:
“Someday we’ll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me.”

Kermit: You’re a very good singer, Justin.

Justin Timberlake: You’re not so bad yourself, Kermit.

Kermit: Maybe you and Kiki Dee should cut an album! [ laughs ]

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“Who says that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on a morning star.”

[ Justin leans in too close to Kermit ]

Kermit: Ow!

Justin Timberlake: Sorry..

Kermit: Careful, Justin – you stepped on my buddy’s leg there!

[ singing ]

“Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it’s done so far.”

[ Justin leans in too close again ]

Ow!!

Justin Timberlake: Sorry!

Kermit: I’ve been telling you all week!!

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“What’s so amazing
That keeps us star-gazing?”

Kermit: “And what do we think we might see?”

[ Justin has again gotten too close to Kermit ]

Seriously! BACK OFF!!

Justin Timberlake: Is this any better? [ reaches behind the brick wall and kicks Kermit’s puppeteer ]

Kermit: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Justin Timberlake: [ yelling ] Yeah, you like that, don’t you, Kermit?!

[ in the mad scuffle, Timberlake kicks down the brick wall to reveal Kermit’s puppeteer sprawled across the floor in pain. He continues to speak to Timberlake through Kermit. ]

Kermit: Guys! Guys! Stop fighting! This song is about togetherness!

Justin Timberlake: He’s right..

Kermit: Bill? Can you say to Justin that you’re sorry for shoving him?

Bill: [ meekly ] I’m sorry, Justin..

Kermit: And, Justin? Can you say you’re sorry to Bill for being a douchebag?

Justin Timberlake: I am not.. a douchebag..

Kermit: [ singing ]
“Someday we’ll find itThe rainbow connectionThe lovers, the douchebag, and me.”

[ angered, Timberlake continues to beat up Kermit’s puppeteer ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Karl Rove…..Jeff Richards
Ann Coulter…..Amy Poehler
Gary Coleman…..Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! A White House leak exposes the name of an undercover CIA agent! You got so many bullets flying around Iraq, it’s starting to look like the final scene in “Scarface“! A study of the national deficit’s higher than Rush Limbaugh at a Mexican pharmacy! Don’t look now, people, but President Bush’s approval rating is going down faster than Paris Hilton in the back of Limp Bizkit’s tourbus! [ slaps the top of his desk ] I got a million of ’em, people!

With little more than a year away from Election 2004, is the President in trouble? Joining us today, the man who makes Bush dance like a marionette, the man who plays Willie Tyler to George Bush’s Lester – Republican strategist and secret ruler of the Western world, Karl Rove!

Karl Rove: It’s nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Shut it!! Your Jedi mind tricks ain’t gonna work on me, Lord Vader! Also joining us, author of the book “Slander And Treason”, a woman full of more vile than Nick Nolte’s liver – Ann Coulter!

Ann Coulter: Typical slander from the liberal media..

Chris Matthews: That wasn’t slander! Now, if I’d said you look like a kneecap with hair – that would be slander!

Karl Rove, we’re gonna start with you! Bush is really taking heat for this leak, which some believe is dirty politics! Have you located the source?

Karl Rove: Chris, the White house does not in any condone this leak issue, and we are doing everything we can to find the person responsible. I, personally, went as far to purchase.. [ holds up detective hat ] ..this hat.. [ holds up magnifying glass ] ..this magnifying glas.. [ puts detetive pipe in his mouth ] ..and this pipe. But, still nothing. But we’re hopeful.

Chris Matthews: Keep us posted! Ann Coulter, what do you make of this leak situation? Is the Bush administration telling us the whole story, or what?!

Ann Coulter: Chris, I am outraged. For you to even insinuate that the Bush administration isn’t being truthful, is treason.

Chris Matthews: Huh. Interesting. Wouldn’t it also be treason for a White House official to leak the name of an undercover CIA officer?

Ann Coulter: [ a lengthy pause as she is stuck for an answer ] Traitor!

Chris Matthews: Answer the question!

Ann Coulter: Maybe you should stop being a traitor, and start being a traita-hata!

Chris Matthews: What?!

Ann Coulter: What’s the matter, are you thirsty? You want some Traitor-Ade?

Chris Matthews: Okay, now you’re just being childish!

Ann Coulter: No, I’m not! I’m rubber, you’re glue; everything you say —

Chris Matthews: Hey, Lockjaw! Zip it! I can smell your soul rotting from here!

Joining us now, is a man who finished eighth in the California racde, but probably has a better chance of becoming President than any of the Democrats currently running – Mr. Gary Coleman!

[ cut to Gary Coleman sitting on an oversized chair behind an oversized desk ]

[ SUPER: “Gary Coleman. Actor/Punchline” ]

Gary Coleman: Good evening, Chris!

Chris Matthews: Gary, what did you learn from the Governor’s race, and will you run again for office?

Gary Coleman: Well, Chris.. I learned not to dwell so much on the opportunities I’ve lost. Excuse me for one second.. [ grabs an oversized coffee mug from off-camera, and takes a sip ] But, rather, to focus on the issues of my campaign. People of California: I don’t want gto molest you, like that episode with Dudley in the back of that weird dude’s bike shop! I simply wanna be your governor! And, mark my words, in the very near future, Gary Coleman will hold public office.

Chris Matthews: Oh, yeah? I got another prediction: in the near future, Gary Coleman will be cleaning a public office! Final thoughts!

Gary Coleman: Well, Chris.. while on the campaign trail, I was constantly asked the same question: “Why should I vote for you, Webster?” To wit, I answer: “Because.. [ singing ] what might be right for you.. may not be right for so-o-ome!” I’m Gary Coleman, and that is what I’m talkin’ about, Willis!

Chris Matthews: I knew booking you was a good idea! Ann Coulter, you melted Barbie doll – you got anything else?!

Ann Coulter: This program is full of lies, and treason, and uh.. slanderous lies, treasontons, slandertons.. tries.. rander.. and sleazen! And, if you want me on the show again, the answer is Yes.

Chris Matthews: [ laughs ] Good Lord! I would call you “media whore”, but I feel that would be offensive to whores! Ha!! Karl Rove, any final words before you slink back into the shadowy cave where you ocntrol the whole world?!

Karl Rove: Yes, Chris. Uh, we determined the source of the leak, and it turns out it was me! What are you gonna do about it?

Chris Matthews: Uh.. I’m gonna report you to the authorities.

Karl Rove: Wrong move, smart guy. Shut it down, guys! Shut this whole down!

[ an assembly crew with Karl Rove enters the “Hardball” set and dismantles it around Chris Matthews ]

Chris Matthews: You know, I should have seen that coming. When we come back, I’m gonna be broadcasting from a cell at Guantanamo Bay. But, until then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

…..Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake: Alright, thanks to Carl Weathers! And I want to take this opportunity to say – I’m going to run for Governor of California! Thanks, everybody! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Arianna Huffington…..Rachel Dratch
Al Franken…..Jeff Richards
Cruz Bustamonte…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer…..Steve Higgins

[ open on Barry and Robin Gibb standing under disco ball, their guests seated in the background ]

Announcer: It’s “The Barry Gibb Talk Show”!

[ the theme song that plays is based off the Bee Gees song “Nights On Broadway” ]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “Here we are..”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are..

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “..in a room full of strangers..”

Announcer: ..former California recall candidate Arianna Huffington.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “..discussin’ politics..”

Announcer: ..Lt. Governor Cruz Bustamonte..

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “..and the issues of the daaaayy..”

Announcer: ..author of “Lies & The Liars Who Tell Them:

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Well, I’m going to talk to you.”

Announcer: ..A Fair & Balanced Look At The Right”, author Al Franken!

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ] “..though you may not want me to..”

Announcer: And, as always..

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ] “..I’m still gonna talk to you.”

Announcer: ..Barry’s brother Robin.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ]
“I don’t care what you saay.

Talkin’ it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin’ about issues
Talkin’ about real important issues.

Talkin’ it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Checkin’ out politics
In this crazy, crazy tow-own!”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Your host – Barry Gibb!

[ Barry speaks in staccato throughout the sketch ]

Barry Gibb: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Let’s get right to it. This is my show, and this is a non-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody! [ a beat ] This week’s election. Robin.. did you vote?

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: No, you didn’t vote?

Robin Gibb: No, I didn’t.

Barry Gibb: Okay. Arianna Huffington.. you saw this thing from the inside. What effect do you think this is going to have on California politics as a whole..?

Arianna Huffington: Oh, tremendous! Tremendous effect, Barry! You know —

Barry Gibb: You know, you know, you know – let us interrupt for a second.. You know what has a tremendous effect on me? The sound of your grating voice!! Everytime you speak, it feels like someone’s dropping a CAR BATTERY on my SACK!! MY GOD!! Do you ever LISTEN to yourself?!! I’m GLAD you LOST the election!! Agghhh! [ a beat ] Robin? Do you have anything to add?

Robin Gibb: No.. no, I don’t..

Barry Gibb: No, nothing at all? [ continues ] Al Franken. You have the best-selling book, all about the right. What is Gov. Schwarzenegger pro-choice program.. for gun contr-o-o-l, for the Republican pa-a-arty?

Al Franken: Oh, boy! Uh.. well, uh.. that’s-that’s an interesting question! [ chuckles ]

Barry Gibb: Ha ha! Before you get started ,I just want to warn you – I’m not Bill O’Reilly!! You start and SMART TALK with ME, and I will END IT!! I didn’t go to your hasty pudding, “Let’s all dress up like girls” school! I grew up on the streets of SYDNEY!! And no matter where I am in the studio-o-o-o.. I’m never more than fi-i-ve seconds away from a gu-u-unn! [ a beat ] Uh, Robin.. do you have anything to a-a-add?

Robin Gibb: No.. no, I don’t..

Barry Gibb: No, you don’t. How about we sing the next guest’s name?

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ]
“Cru-u-u-u-uz! Bustamonte-e-e-e-e!
Talkin’ about Cru-hu-hu-hu-huz Bustamonte-e-e-e!”

Barry Gibb: “‘ey.”

Robin Gibb: “‘ey.”

Barry Gibb: You’re still Lt. Governor, right?

Cruz Bustamonte: First of all.. it’s delightful how you say my name, and you sing it like that! I love it! I’m a real big fan! When I was growing up, I thought you guys were the greatest band around!

Barry Gibb: Oh yeah, huh? You-you-you thought we.. you thought we were the greatest? You hear that, Robin? We were! WERE!! Huh? [ snaps ] Don’t you EVER talk to me like that AGAIN!! I’M BARRY GIBB!! [ demonstrates a karate kick in the air ] You know what that means?! I put this whole show together! I’m Barry Gibb – I wil PUT you in the GROUND!! Agh agh agh agh agh! [ singing ] “I’ll put you in the ground! I’ll put you in the ground – yeah!”

Robin Gibb: [ singing ] “..in the grou-ound!”

Barry Gibb: “..put you in the ground, me and my brother’ll help me put you in the ground – yeah!”

[ regains his composure ]

Well.. that’s all the time we have. [ singing ] “We.. have.. bee-een..”

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ]
“Talkin’ it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin’ about chest hair
Talkin’ about crazy cool medallions!

Talkin’ it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin’ about, hah hah hah!
Talkin’ about hah hah hah..!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Direct TV

Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards

[ open on Gary Busey, reading a letter from a Direct TV subscriber ]

Gary Busey: “Dear Direct TV: I’ve been a subscriber of your service for 38 days, and I’m writing to tell you–“

[ stops reading ]

Hold on a second, can I just say something here? As me, Gary Busey? I agree with this guy – Direct TV, you are great! My attention is so rapt with your sheer volume of boobie channels, that now.. the only time I have to leave the house is to go to the ATM and/or the emergency room!

There’s so many boobie channels, that I often find myself running from room to room! My pants around my ankles! It’s a gas! Sometimes, I put two TVs, side by side.. and then I can see four boobies at once!

One time, I fell asleep in a satellite dish, woke up with this hellacious sunburn and the ability to smell colors! [ sniffs ] “Direct TV.. blahbity, blah blah blah.. [ farts ] Here’s a little piece of trivia for you – my farts.. smell like butterscotch. It’s not a joke – they either smell like butt or Scotch.

[ finishes reading letter ]

“Signed.. Thomas Jacob, Direct TV subscriber.”

[ looks offscreen ] Was that alright? Did you get it all, hombres? Hey, come on, don’t be mad! I’m just trying to spice this stinkburger up a little bit!

[ cut to Direct TV logo ]

Announcer: Become a Direct TV fan, for just $39.99 a month.

SNL Transcripts