Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Don Zimmer’s Sports Spectacular

Don Zimmer…..Horatio Sanz
Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond
Pete Rose…..Jeff Richards
Cindy Cooper…..Halle Berry
Presenter…..Will Forte

(Opens with Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular logo. DonZimmer sits in a TV studio surrounded by Yankeesmemorabilia and the presenter dressed as an umpireremoves the catcher mitt and sings)

Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!

(Leaves)

Don Zimmer: Let’s play ball! I’m Don Zimmer andwelcome to my Sports Spectacular. Where I talk to thebiggest names bar none in sports. And speaking of bignames they don’t get any bigger than my old pal,PeteyRose!(In comes Pete Rose, shakes hands with Don, sitsdown)Hey!, Pete Rose! How you doing, buddy? How youdoing you old sourpuss!?

Pete Rose: Good to see you, you big melon head.

Don Zimmer: Hey, how about them Yankees! Huh? Ha,ha! They’regonna win the World Series, ain’t they?

Pete Rose: They’ll win it if you keep running out andposing pictures with that big ol’ head of yours.

Don Zimmer: Oh, come off it. I don’t want to talk about that.I’m ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t ougtha done it!Baaa!

Pete Rose: Ha! It looked like a butterball turkey goingdown.

(Don is getting angry)

Don Zimmer: I said knock it off, Pete.

Pete Rose: Have you seen the tape? It’s funny, man. It’sreally funny.

Don Zimmer: You’re getting me mad over here!

Pete Rose: I had a good ol’ laugh old buddy. I really did.

Don Zimmer: Aww! Now, you got me too mad now!(Don gets up andcharges Pete)Here I come!Aaahhh!!(Pete grabs him bythe head and slams him to the ground, baseball capflies off, Pete sits down)Oh, boy! Oh, I bumped myhead again!

Pete Rose: I’m sorry, Zim!

(Don gets up, addresses the audience at home)

Don Zimmer: Look at me, what I done again. I’m ashamed ofmyself. I’m embarrassed. I got nothing more to say onthat.(Don sits down)My next guest loves the game ofbaseball, almost as much as me. Here he is, BobCostas. (In walks Bob, shakes hands with Pete and thenwith Don, sits next to Pete)Bobby how are ya’?. Goodto see ya’.

Bob Costas: Zim, you’re resplendent as ever.

(Don is confused)

Don Zimmer: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Bob Costas: As per usual, the Zimmer has let the Englishlanguage utterly daze and confuse him and yet in hisprodigious infant-like head there’s a veritablebaseball encyclopedia.

Don Zimmer: Gosh!, Bob if I knew what you were saying I’dsock you in the snap box for saying something likethat!

Bob Costas: Look, all I’m saying is I have nothing but thegreatest respect for you and for what you’ve given tothe game.(Don gets angry)

Don Zimmer: Well, it’s too late now cause I’m getting steamednow!

Bob Costas: Oh, come on! I was just playfully jousting withyou.

(Don gets ready to charge again, Bob gets up)

Don Zimmer: Well, get ready to take your lumps!Aahhh!!!(Doncharges,Bob takes his head effortlessly and slams himto the floor again) Oh,no!Oh,boy!! Oh, brother!Now,I’m really embarrassed. (Don gets up talks directly atthe viewer at home watching)I embarrassed my familyagain. I embarrassed the Yankees. Oh, I’m ashamed atwhat I done. I got nothing more to say on thesubject.(Sits down)

Bob Costas: Look, maybe you ought to cut the show shorttonight, Don.

Don Zimmer: It’s OK. I’ve got a swell gal coming out here.She’s a ball girl over at Fenway Park up in Boston. Ijust want to show them I ain’t sore at the Red Sox’s.So here she is, Cindy Cooper.(In walks Cindy, sitsnext to Bob Costas)

Cindy Cooper: Thank you. I want to thank you Mr.Zimmer for showing that there are no hard feelings.

Don Zimmer: Awww, who am I kidding? I lied. I’m still prettyhot over what happened with Pedro and the rest of thelousy bums.

Pete Rose: Knock it off, Don. She’s a girl.

Cindy Cooper: I can handle myself. I’ve seen the tape. Youjust point his head away and let the momentum take himdown.

(Don is mad as hell)

Don Zimmer: Oh, nuttin doing!!I got more moves than MordecaiBrown!! Look out girly!! Here comes a whole lot of Mr.Zim!!!Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!(Charges Cindy for one last timeand she gently takes him by the head and slams him onthe floor)Oh,no!!

Cindy Cooper: Oh, did I hurt him?

(Pete and Bob get up)

Pete Rose: Oh, he’ll be up in a minute.

Bob Costas: Boy, let’s get out of here before we have to dumphim again.(The 3 of them leaving Don on the floor)

Don Zimmer: Hey! Where are y’all going? Oh, boy! (Don getsup) Well, of course, I’m ashamed at what I done. Oh,Gosh! I’m embarrassed. I made a mess of everything.

(Fanfare music, logo and presenter appear again and hesings)

Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!

(Don walks away embarrassed)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Bart Swerski…..Horatio Sanz
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

On Thursday, in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-Elect Arnold Scwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is really sure.

According to a new study, people on a low-carb diet, like Atkins, eat more than people on a standard diet, but also lose more weight. This is thanks to the extra calories they lose during their non-stop yammering about how they’re on Atkins.

Jimmy Fallon: In California this week, grocery clerks went on strike. Which means, for the second time in less than two weeks, Gray Davis is out of a job.

Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was the inspiration for the character in James Bond, died this week at the age of 90. His family was shaken, not stirred.

Those who met him will never forget his trademark line: “The name’s Dalzel-Job, Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job.”

Tina Fey: This week, the city of Atlantic City unveiled its new slogan: “Atlantic City: Always Turned On.” It sure beats their old slogan: “Atlanti City: Las Vegas for Ugly People.”

Jimmy Fallon: This summer, I spent some time in the Southwest, and I saw this great stand-up comic, a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. And I really want everyone to see him.. please welcome comedian Billy Smith!

[ Indian flute music ]

Billy Smith: Let me hear you make some noise! [ audience cheers ] I have noticed something: what is the deal with the food on the flying, mechanical silver bird? It tastes quite herbal, does it not? I would sooner eat Ooky Oonu! [ low audience response ] Ooky Oonu is the oil from the bone of a deer. Thank you.

It sure is a pleasure to be here in New York. Is anybody here from out of town? [ audience cheers, as Billy faces Jimmy Fallon ] How about you, where do you come from?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. I’m from upstate.

Billy Smith: Sorry.

Jimmy Fallon: I said.. I’m from upstate New York.

Billy Smith: I know! and I’m greatly sorry! Do you see? I am disparaging the place of your birth!

Jimmy Fallon: Ha ha, I get it!

Billy Smith: Boy.. it’s hot in here, is it not? I haven’t sweated this much since my rite of passage ceremony of One Thousand Fires! [ low response from audience ] You had to be there for that one, you see, Jimmy, uh.. it was quite hot.

Jimmy Fallon: Assuming you were there..

Billy Smith: Yes! The flames of the cleansing fire lept up from the log and made me want to cry out!

[ low response from the audience ]

I haven’t seen a crowd this silent since the Shadow Ghost of the Animal Spirit calmed the eyes of a thousand fox-es!

[ low response from the audience ]

[ taps microphone ] Is this thing on?

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.

Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, how about this Ben and J. Lo? She has been through so many wedding ceremonies, she must have a hard time finding the tail feathers of the eagle, which represent the spirit Communion!

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you thought this guy was fantastic?

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] He’s hilarious!

Tina Fey: Oh, my goodness.

Billy Smith: [ to Jimmy ] Watch this one, okay? [ to Tina ] Hey, Tina Fey! What is your problem? I don’t go down to where you work, and knock the seatunka out of your mouth! [ silent reaction ] You see, a seatunka is a ceremonial flute made of cedar wood. But, in some tribes, it is also a term for a phallus. Thank you! Anyhoo, you’ve been a great cloud. Wehre you sleep, so sleep my ancestors! Peace out!

[ Indian flute music ]

Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everybody!

Tina Fey: One of the newest trends among celebrities is to wear a simple red knotted string, which symbolizes a dedication to the Kabbalah. For those of you who don’t know, Kabbalah is an ancient form of publicity invented by Madonna.

Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs — [ audience cheers ] Yes, marijuana! Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs had a reported street value of five milks and a cupcake.

Jimmy Fallon: China lainched its first manned space mission Wednesday, sending astronaut Yang Liwei into orbit. Uh, let’s take a look at the launch:

[ show video footage of Chinese acrobats throwing one of their own into the air ]

Voice: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Blast me into spaaaaaace!

Jimmy Fallon: Look at that! They do everything differently there!

Tina Fey: This Thursday, 48 contestants will compete in the 2003 National Monopoly Championship, which will be held onboard a moving train. They couldn’t hold it at last year’s venue, because, uh.. Steve’s mom is putting new carpet in the basement.

Tina Fey: Four members of Alpha Lambda Tau are seeking to make theirs the first gay fraternity at the University of Texas, San Antonio. It’s just like every other fraternity, except with slightly more gay sex.

Jimmy Fallon: As heartbreaking as the Red Sox loss was for Boston fans, the collapse of the Chicago Cubs, after being up 3 games to 1 was uniquely devestating. Are the Cubs cursed? Here with a commentary, is Chicago Superfan Bart Swerski.

Bart Swerski: Yeah, thanks there! First of all, there ain’t no curse! One cannot be cursed when one resides in a town with Giodano’s stuffed pizza.. Stevi D’s deep-fried Caesar salad.. and, least but not least, Al’s Italian Sausauge smoothies! And.. a certain thing known as.. The Cubs!

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t you mean “Da” Cubs? Anyway.. how can you, uh.. how can you say there’s no curse? Your team was five outs away from the World Series, and then that kid interfered with the ball and the Cubs came up eight runs, and it’s over.

Bart Swerski: Let me tell you something, Jimmy.. let me tell you something about this so-called tragedy. That tagedy.. has brought the town of Chicago together.. like no other place! People of different colors and creeds.. coming together, putting differences aside. All united.. in wanting to beat the living crap outta that kid! The Cubs!

Jimmy Fallon: The Cubs. That’s horrible, man. Are you sure you’re a Superfan?

Bart Swerski: Yeah, you got that right, candy apple.

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What are you talking about?

[ Bob Swerski scoots behind the Update desk ]

Bob Swerski: He’s alright. Seriously, he’s just got a bit of a speech impediment. He’s my nephew, and – sorry, I was late, pal, I was at church. I was praying for the Lord to help me find where that jerkwad ball-punher hider is hiding. And I brought you a wafer – I did, I brought you a wafer from church. Come on! These are beer-battered Communion wafers. Only at Tommy D’s Church & Grille on Morbash. Go ahead, try it – put some bleu cheese dip on there. Come on, it’s lovely, it’s a ltitle taste of heaven! And you know what – these ain’t consecrated yet, so it’s okay.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, okay!

Bart Swerski: Deee Cuuubs!

Bob Swerski: We’re gonna get this kid some therapy. Speech therapy.[ Bart down an entire mug of beer, as Jimmy Fallon quickly follows suit. Bob is a little slower, but downs all of his as well. ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, so you’re at peace with this whole thing?

Bob Swerski: Don’t get me wrong – that kid’s gonna be a stain on the wall. I’ll see to that personally! But, bottom line, it’s just a game. It reminds me of something the great Coach Ditka once said.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, what is that?

Bob Swerski: “I’ll tear your face off, you gray-haired son of a bitch!”

Bart Swerski: He was a great man.

Bob Swerski: He was. And wise.

Jimmy Fallon: Ditka never said that.

Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] You know what, Jimmy? There’s an awful lot more to life than sprts. For example, movies. Tell me, Bart.. what film won Best Picture at last year’s Oscars?

Bart Swerski: “Chicago”!

Bob Swerski: That’s right! That’s right! Greatest film of all time, my friend.

Bart Swerski: A film that kicked the fruity ass of another film.. called.. “Gangs of New York”.

Bob Swerski: That’s right.

Together: Daaaaa Oscars!

[ “All That Jazz” pots up ]

Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? What’s going on here?

Bob Swerski: Oh, never you mind, Mr. New Yorkie.

[ Bob and Bart singing together ]

“C’mon babe
Why don’t we paint the town?
And all that jazz

I’m gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano’s hot

And all.. that.. jazz!”

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Speedreader

Speedreader…..Will Forte
Jasmine…..Halle Berry

[ Jasmine, an attractive woman, sits at a bar ]

[ scruffy-looking guy enters scene, slams a book on the bar counter, then takes a seat next to Jasmine. He opens his book and quickly flips through the pages in fan motion. ]

Speedreader: I just read fifty pages.

Jasmine: Good for you.

Speedreader: [ cocky ] Great.. for me!

Jasmine: [ not interested ] Yeah.. whatever.

Speedreader: [ leans in to sniff Jasmine’s hair ] Mmm.. you smell delicious.

Jasmine: Get lost!

Speedreader: [ more cocky ] Find me!

Jasmine: [ acknowledging an offscreen bartender ] Uh.. I’d like to close my tab please. Thank you.

Speedreader: So, uh.. have you ever been with a speedreader?

Jasmine: What?

Speedreader: I mean, have you ever.. been.. with.. a speedreader?

Jasmine: Look, I don’t know who you think you are —

Speedreader: [ with great intensity ] I’m a man who can read 100 pages in the blink of an eye! A man who can ingest the written word with the force and fury of thunder!! Now would you like to be with me.. in a sex-u-al way. [ a pause ] I’ll give you a little time to think about it, while I finish off this book about Humphrey Bogart. [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the book on the counter ] Done! So.. what’s it gonna be.. [ in Bogey fashion ] ..schweetheart?

Jasmine: Did you really just read that whole thing?

Speedreader: Frig, yeah!

Jasmine: Wow.. I mean, that’s pretty amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna get my bill and go.

Speedreader: That’s what you, uh.. wanna do. Don’t mind me. [ grabs book from below counter ] I’ll just be sitting here, uh.. reading the bible.

Jasmine: Yeah, you do that.

Speedreader: Yeah, I will! [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the bible on the counter ] Done! Poooor Jesus.

Jasmine: You know what? I really didn’t come here to meet anybody tonight.

Speedreader: Hey, don’t make up your mind right away – take your time. You know.. I’ve got a big dic.. [ reaches behind counter to pull up a thicker book ] ..tionary. That I can, uh.. read while I’m waiting. [ quickly flips trough the pages and slams the dictionary on the counter ] Done! “Adjective; of or pertaining to completion!“

Jasmine: Alright. Let’s go to my place.

Speedreader: [ chuckles ] You know, if.. lovemaking has a name, it may very well be my name.

Jasmine: And your name is?

Speedreader: Gary And your name is Jasmine! I read it on your driver’s license earlier, and I read it fast!

Jasmine: [ sultry ] Enough with the talk, let’s do this thing!

Speedreader: [ inches closer to Jasmine, eye-to-eye ] Ohhh, we just did – twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don’t worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!

[ Speedreader makes his trimuphant exit, leaving Jasmine dumbfounded by the turn of events ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Quick Ones

Female Employee #1…..Halle Berry
Female Employee #2…..Amy Poehler
Male Employee #1…..Will Forte
Male Employee #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Female Employee #1 talking on the phone ]

Female Employee #1: I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t get away. I know we had a big night planned – don’t you think I know that? There’s just no time. I’ll call.

Female Employee #2: [ enters ] Oh, boy.. that didn’t sound good.

Female Employee #1: [ sighs ] It’s Randy. We never have time for each other any more.

Female Employee #2: I know how that goes.

Female Employee #1: I could really use a night of intimacy. You know what I mean?

Female Employee #2: Have you ever tried these? [ pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket ]

[ music slides up ]

Female Employee #2: They’re called Quick Ones. They’re chewable! Check this out! [ swallows a couple of pills ] In just seconds, I’ll experience a natural and efficient climax. Here it goes.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. uh-huh.. um, that’s good.. okay, enjoyable, really great.. I’m about to.. oh, wow.. great.. really great. That’s all! It’s that fast! Completelty fulfilling sexual gratification in just seconds!

Female Employee #1: I’m always on the go.

Female Employee #2: Here!

Female Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Mmm! Minty! I like that. And I like this.. Oh yes, thank you.. that’s it, it’s working.. I like it.. building.. going good.. very enjoyable.. wonderful.. yes.. yes.. Wow!All done. That’s fantastic!

Female Employee #2: I told you! It’s called Quick Ones!

Male Employee #1: [ enters ] I couldn’t help overhearing. Who’s got the Quick Ones?

Female Employee #1: For him, too?

Female Employee #2: Yes, for him, too..

Male Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Hey, this is great.. it’s happening.. I like it.. I like it more.. now it’s really great.. here it goes.. whee-ee-ee! All done. [ snores ] Well, back to the ol’ grindstone!

[ female employees laugh ]

Announcer: Quick Ones. Clinical.. effective.. mindblowing.

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey, guys, they want you in the meeting.

Female Employee #1: Just tell them.. we’re coming!

[ they all laugh ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Halle Berry’s Monologue

…..Halle Berry
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Britney Spears
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey

Halle Berry: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Wow, I am so excited to be here tonight – thank you! I’m so excited, but first – what about those Yankees, huh? [ audience cheers ] They’re in the World Series, wow! I love live television! I’ve only been on live television twice. One of those times, I was getting that ltitle gold guy – the Oscar. [ audience cheers ] And the other time.. I got a big, big surprise.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels speaking with Britney Spears backstage ]

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, Britney. I just think people are expecting you and Halle to kiss.

Britney Spears: I don’t.. I don’t know, Lorne. I already did that Madonna thing at the VMAs – it’s, like, already done, you know?

Lorne Michaels: That was cable. I don’t think that many people watch MTV.

Britney Spears: I’m pretty sure they do.

Lorne Michaels: Actually, it’s not so much the Madonna thing – it’s mroe about the Oscars. Remember when Adrian Brody kissed Halle? If you did that, it would be hilarious!

Britney Spears: Noooo, no.. I don’t think so..

Lorne Michaels: Look, I understand if you’re not attracted to her.

Britney Spears: No, oh my God, I am! I’m not saying that at all, I just —

[ Jimmy Fallon passes through the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy? Let me get your opinion on this. Do you think Britney and Halle —

Jimmy Fallon: [ without hesitating ] Yes! Definitely.

Britney Spears: No. I know people would like to see it —

[ Tina Fey passes down the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: Tina, Tina! Do you think, uh.. Britney and Halle should kiss?

Tina Fey: What, like in the monologue?

Lorne Michaels: The monologue, or later in the show.. it doesn’t even have to be on camera.

Tina Fey: I don’t know. I think people saw the Madonna thing.. and it’s played out.

[ Lorne punches Tina in the face ]

Lorne Michaels: Tina’s not a typical female viewer..

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Lorne Michaels: Listen.. Halle’s really into this..

[ suddenly, Halle Berry walks up ]

Halle Berry: Okay, look, look.. I know I’m new to this thing, but.. when the host is out there on the stage in front of the audience, shouldn’t the camera be on her?

Lorne Michaels: ..Most of the time. It’s not a hard, fast rule. You kow Britney?

[ Halle and Britney greet one another ]

Lorne Michaels: I was just explaining to Britney —

Halle Berry: Oh, no.. He’s not trying to get you to do the kiss thing, is he?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Halle Berry: [ sighs ] Lorne, I told you all week long – I’m not gonna do it!

Lorne Michaels: If you won’t do it for me.. do it for those poor Cubs fans.

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: Red Sox fans?

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: I wouldn’t do this.. but I am ready to write a check to your favorite charity, for $100 each!

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Pretty good.

Together: NO!!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, alright.. I hear you. How about this – why don’t you take Britney up on the stage.. see how it feels.. see what happesn.

Halle Berry: Okay, fine. Come on, Britney..

Britney Spears: Let’s go..

[ Halle and Britney exit back to Home Base ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] I think they’re gonna do it! I can’t believe you talked them into it!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, they will, but I’ll tell you, Jimmy – sometimes.. I hate this job.

Jimmy Fallon: [ a beat ] Wanna watch it in my dressing room?

Lorne Michaels: Sure.

[ Lorne and Jimmy exit the scene ]

[ cut back to Home Base ]

Halle Berry: Okay. Here’s the thing: it’s not that we mind kissing..

Britney Spears: No, no.. not at all!

Halle Berry: But.. you know if we do, you know what the cover of US Weekly would look like, don’t you?

[ they move their lips in close for a near-kiss, as cameras flash ]

Britney Spears: Yeah! You know, and.. like, let’s not do that. Maybe I’ll do it in my first song, or something like that.. like, another song.

Halle Berry: Yeah, maybe if, like, you guys want it bad enough.

[ audience cheers ]

Halle Berry: Hey, listen – we have a greet show for you tonight.

Britney Spears: I’m here!

Halle Berry: So stick around. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Kobe Bryant

Lawyer…..Chris Parnell
Kobe Bryant…..Finesse Mitchell
Vanessa Bryant…..Maya Rudolph

Lawyer: Kobe.. Vanessa.. Thank you for agreeing to another press conference. [ sighs ] I know this is hard for you, but.. the more you appear in public together, the better it is for Kobe’s trial.

Kobe Bryant: [ holding hands with his wife ] Let’s just get this over with. I don’t want to put my wife through any more pain than I already have.

Vanessa Bryant: Thank you, honey.

Lawyer: Well, we’re almost ready out there.. so I’ll give you guys a minute to collect your thoughts.

Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. Thank you, because we couldn’t do this without you..

[ Lawyer exits room ]

Vanessa Bryant: [ wrings her hands free from Kobe’s ] You better get your damn hand off me before I break it off like a chopstick!

Kobe Bryant: Baby, please..

Vanessa Bryant: Don’t you “Baby” me! If you want to address me, you’d better call me by my name: Mrs. Kobe Bryant!! So I know you’re talking to me, and not some concierge or some chambermaid, or some ho you met selling Mets jerseys outside the Meadowlands!

Kobe Bryant: Vanessa! I never talk to other girls. Just this one time —

Vanessa Bryant: Ohhh, just this one time.. when I talked to this girl for five minutes, and then I tripped and my chocolate fell into her peanut butter! Right?! I oughta break that thing off, and take it home with me!

[ Lawyer re-enters room, as the Bryants return to their fake romantic pose ]

Lawyer: Kobe, Vanessa.. it’s just gonna be a couple more minutes, because they’re fussing with the lighting.

Vanessa Bryant: Okay.

Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. I just want people to know I love my wife.. and she’s gonna stand by my side.

Vanessa Bryant: I appreciate what you’re doing for our family..

[ Lawyer exits room ]

Vanessa Bryant: [ slaps Kobe across the face ] ..’Cause we are a family! I made a damn baby for you, and if you think you’re ever cheating on me again, you out of your damn mind!!

Kobe Bryant: Vanessa.. if I could just turn back the hands of time —

Vanessa Bryant: Honey! Look at me. Look.. at.. me! Look at meeee! Do you know.. do you know how good this is, baby? Do you know how many men dream of getting some of this? I could have married anybody, honey! Allen Iverson.. Vlade Devak.. L’il Bow Wow. Honey, look! You remember this? You remember this, baby? Well, you will never.. ever.. see this again! Ne-he-ver!!

[ Lawyer re-enters; the Bryants recompose themselves ]

Lawyer: Hey.. um.. I hate to tell you this, but.. the questions may be a little graphic out there. Um.. how can I say this delicately..? Kobe.. they may accuse you of a “back court violation”.. So, I just wanted to warn you both, alright?

Vanessa Bryant: I’m not worried, Paul.. I love this man.. [ sentimental ]

[ Lawter exits room ]

Kobe Bryant: Ow! Ow!

Vanessa Bryant: I want another ring for that! Pig!

Kobe Bryant: Maybe we should just get a divorce.

Vanessa Bryant: Oh! Or maybe we should just stay married for the rest of your natural life!!

[ Vanessa smashes a glass over Kobe’s head ]

Kobe Bryant: I hate that!

Vanessa Bryant: You know what I hate? Going to my husband’s rape trial!

[ Lawyer re-enters ]

Lawyer: You guys, they’re letting the press in now, so it’ll just be another minute.

Vanessa Bryant: Okay.

[ Lawyer exits room ]

Vanessa Bryant: Do you know how the rest of your life is gonna be?

Kobe Bryant: Yes.

Vanessa Bryant: How’s it gonna be?

Kobe Bryant: Strict.

Vanessa Bryant: What’cha gonna do?

Kobe Bryant: Play basketball.

Vanessa Bryant: Mmm-hmm. And after you play basketball?

Kobe Bryant: Come home —

Vanessa Bryant: Come home with what?

Kobe Bryant: A diamond —

Vanessa Bryant: A diamond and what?

Kobe Bryant: A diamond and a dry dong..

Vanessa Bryant: That’s right, baby! And what am I?

Kobe Bryant: You’re the air I breathe.

Vanessa Bryant: And?

Kobe Bryant: And.. the strongest woman I’ve ever met.

Vanessa Bryant: And?

Kobe Bryant: Oh.. and I got you another one of these [ pulls a bracelet out of his pocket ]

Vanessa Bryant: Let’s go – put it on. [ Kobe wraps the bracelet around Vanessa’s wrist ] And what else.

Kobe Bryant: [ thinking ] Oh. And “Live, from –“

Vanessa Bryant: Oh, hell no! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Goodnights

…..Halle Berry
…..Britney Spears

Halle Berry: We had a wonderful night, an amazing night! Thank you so much! Thank you to our special guest – Britney Spears!

Britney Spears: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Gaystrogen

Steven…..Chris Parnell
Russ…..Fred Armisen
Black Gay Guy…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on gay man Steven sitting on couch typing on his laptop computer, a pair of tiny dogs by his side ]

Announcer: Have your tastes changed, for no apparent reason?

[ gay man Russ pushes the dogs off the couch, and sits ]

Steven: Look, Russ! I found a new place for us to get our turquoise!

Russ: [ annoyed ] Don’t we have enough turquoise already?

Announcer: Have you noticed a dramatic shift in your interests?

[ Steven is slicing vegetables in the kitchen, as Russ drifts past ]

Steven: Russ, I Tivoed “The Gilmore Girls”, and I waited to watch it with you.

[ Russ keeps on walking ]

Announcer: Have you noticed a loss of attention to detail?

[ Steven is working on a dollhouse ]

Steven: Russ, what color white should we do the trim – Candleabra.. Stucco.. or Rice?

Russ: [ annoyed ] White is white, Steven!

Steven: [ hurt ] Since when, Russ?! Since when?!

Announcer: If you’re over 45, and a gay male – you could be suffering from Queer Loss. Now there’s new Gaystrogen.

[ show Gaystrogen pills ]

[ outline is male body is shown, as the pills work their way to the crotch area, setting the male outline into a dance motion with rainbow spirals eminating from the crotch ]

Announcer: Gaystrogen works with your body, to replenish your natural gayness and boost your fabu.

[ doorbell rings, as gay guests enter ]

Gay Guy: Hello, hello!

[ they all kiss their greetings ]

[ Steven playfully lifts his arm behind his head to show off his turquoise bracelet ]

Black Gay Guy: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Where did you get this beautiful turquoise bracelet!

It was a surprise – from me!

[ Steven and Russ kiss ]

Announcer: Gaystrogen. And get back to your old self.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 18th, 2003

Halle Berry

Britney Spears

Zachary Woodlee

George Wendt
Kobe BryantSummary: Kobe Bryant (Finesse Mitchell) and his wife Vanessa (Maya Rudolph) argue with one another before his rape trial.

Transcript

Montage

Halle Berry’s MonologueSummary: Lorne Michaels wants to see Halle Berry and Britney Spears kiss.

Bio: Named for Halle’s Department Store in her Cleveland, Ohio hometown, Halle Berry (1966-) became the first African-American woman to win an Academy Award in 2002, for “Monster’s Ball.”

Transcript

GaystrogenSummary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.

Transcript

The Don Zimmer Sports SpectacularSummary: Don Zimmer (Horatio Sanz) is repeatedly slammed to the ground by his guests.

Recurring Characters: Bob Costas, Pete Rose.

Transcript

Donatella VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) throws her annual Halloween party.

Note: Model played by Zachary Woodlee.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Tel-e-LinkSummary: Happy phone-line customers tout their good service using technobabble.

Quick OnesSummary: The pills office workers use to simulate the sexual experience.

Transcript

Sushi BarSummary: Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) celebrates her birthday at a sushi bar with friends.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Appreciante.

The Sunday National EnquirerSummary: Provides special edition fake news stories to brighten your weekend.

Britney Spears performs “Me Against The Music”Also Appeared: 99s, 01l.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Indian comic Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) tells less-than-stellar jokes. Superfan Bob Swerski (George Wendt) offers a sports commentary with his moron nephew (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith, Bob Swerski.

Transcript

The Best of KlymaxxSummary: Klymaxx’s greatest spoken-over performances.

Tom BrokawSummary: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) is persuaded to record an answering machine message for his make-up girl (Halle Berry).

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Britney Spears performs “Everytime”

Ashford & Simpson FanSummary: A woman’s (Halle Berry) day turns brighter when she meets Ashford (Kenan Thompson) & Simpson (Maya Rudolph).

SpeedreaderSummary: A speedreader (Will Forte) quickly hits on a woman (Halle Berry) at a bar.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Carl Weathers for Governor

…..Carl Weathers

Voice Over: Jesse Ventura… Arnold Swartzenegger… mavericks… Americans… governors… and stars of the movie “Predator.”

Carl Weathers: Just like me, Carl Weathers. Hi, I’m Carl Weathers. I’m the black guy from “Predator.” This American classic has already provided two state governors and frankly, I’d like to be the third. I’m not fussy; I mean any state is fine. And while I’ve never voted personally, I was in the movie “Predator,” where I played the black guy. My compatriot and good friend Arnold Swartzenegger said “Hasta La Vista” to politics as usual when he “terminated” Gray Davis. Well I’d like to think that I’ve got the Apollo credentials to be your governor. Why? Because I am a man of action – Jackson. And I was in “Predator.” Alright I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t Danny Glover the black guy from “Predator?” And shouldn’t he, therefore, be your governor? No. That was “Predator 2.” Doesn’t America deserve better than the star of “Predator 2?” The America I know and love won’t settle for less. But more importantly, do you remember that I was in “Predator?” Well, I was in “Predator.”

Voice Over: Carl Weathers for Governor. He was the black guy in “Predator.”

Submitted by: Catrina

SNL Transcripts