Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Geri Halliwell…..Kelly Ripa
Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington…..Rachel Dratch
Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”]

[dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top stop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and I’m full of secrets. [lifts hand conspiratorially to mouth]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “A Royal Pain or The Butler Did It.” [graphic of Prince William and Paul Burrell at top left] Prince William has demanded a face-to-face with Princess Di’s butler, Paul Burrell, who’s set to publish a tell-all book about his mother. William calls the book a betrayal. Burrell retorts, “Grow up!” Will the royal boys make some noise, or is it shut up or grow up? Where there’s a William, there’s a way. Is that all for Paul? Only time will Burrell.

Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What hot, married UK actor has been linked with his newest costar? His secret’s safe with us, but let’s just say he’s lucky that cheating on one’s wife isn’t against the Jude Law. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Jude Law’s face]

Ian: [graphic of Elle McPherson at top left] All’s not Elle that ends Elle. Australian beauty Elle McPherson just checked out of rehab. Was the leggy supermodel hitting the super-bottle, or was her rehab session for the supression of depression? Will the bossy Aussie’s relationship with her lover go down under, where the women go and the men chunder? Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? You better run, Elle. You better take cover. Oh.

Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What married movie star was seen snogging in a limousine outside of Harrod’s? You won’t get it out of me, but if that movie star had a bad limp, he might use Michael’s Caine. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Michael Caine’s face with a cane superimposed]

Ian: Good one, Zoe.

Zoe: Thank you.

Ian: Well, it’s two past the hour, so that means it’s time for our daily Spice Girls report with our own Geri Halliwell.

[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Geri Halliwell”]

Geri: Cheers, Ian! Well, the spice news is hot this week and I’ve got my finger on the pulse. [raises arm] Girl power! Posh is still married to Becks and they live in Spain. Scary is still terrifying. I have a call in to Baby. And I know there’s another one, but I can’t remember her name right now. [raises arm] Girl power!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Thanks, Geri. The spice does suffice to be twice as nice as mice…slicing…iced…rice. Zoe!

Zoe: Well said. What tip-top Brit-pop mop-top gave me crabs? My lips are sealed. [raises finger to lips and whispers] It’s Liam Gallagher.

Ian: We love digging the dirt here on “Spy Glass,” and no one does it better than our field correspondent, Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington.

[dissolve to a dumpster with title: “Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington”]

Cornelia: [emerging from dumpster] Cheerio, Ian. Well, let’s see what your old friend Cornie Dumps has dug out of Sir Elton John’s rubbish bin this week. [lifts up a shoe] Oh! Well, if it isn’t an old shoe! That proves it! He’s a fruit! I’m Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington, and that’s no garbage. Hmmmmm!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Great work, Cornelia. [graphic of Sir Ian McKellen at top left] Sir Ian McFelon? Why was this X-Man acting like an ex-con? When a waiter spilled soup in his lap, lunch time turned to punch time and Ian was “Lord of the Swings.” Hands off, Gandalf, don’t you know fighting’s a nasty Hobbit? If you ask me, that’s just Ian b-ein’ Ian from what I’m seein’ BcKellen. What? No? Should have stopped at Hobbit? Agreed. Zoe!

Zoe: Let’s go to our favorite entertainment correspondent, Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien.

[dissolve to Pat O’Brien in front of a grey backdrop with title: “Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien”]

Pat: I’m Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien. Cheerio. My nose is more congested than Piccadilly Circus on a Saturday. Seriously, it’s like someone shoved two crumpets in my nostrils. Wait ’til you see what my good friend Kelly Osbourne’s up to. Wait ’til you see what happens on “Big Brother” this week. Cheerio.

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: Thank you, Pat. [graphic of a red heart with a question mark over it at top right] What two TV hosts shagged after a night of pub-hopping last week and haven’t spoken about it since? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Ian Gerrard and Zoe Anderton. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark is replaced by Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Not as much fun when it’s directed at you.

Zoe: And you have a husband.

Ian: And you have crabs.

Zoe: Hmmmmm.

Ian: It’s five past, time to check in with our own Geri Halliwell.

[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus, apparently gazing at her own cleavage until startledly realizing that she is on the air]

Geri: Ian?!

Ian: What’ve you got for us, Geri?

Geri: I’ve got nothing. I really think we should drop the third Spice Girls segment. [raises arm] Girl power?

Zoe: Hmmmmm.

Ian: Seems our sizzle went fizzle. But when we come back, holla if you like Kabbalah. We’ve got Madonna.

Zoe: And she is hotter than a sauna in Ghana.

Ian: You know you wanna.

Zoe: And watch your step.

Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass]

[dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter

Gary…..Chris Parnell
Kelly…..Kelly Ripa

[ open on stock footage of cute puppies running around ]

Gary V/O: Our pets. They give us friendship, loyalty, and affection.

Kelly V/O: And all they ever ask in return is a little love.

[ dissolve to shelter set, Gary and Kelly in a roomful of cages, with one cute puppy in a cage in the middle ]

Gary: If you’re thinking of adding a pet to your family, we hope you’ll consider taking a trip down to see us. At the Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter.

Kelly: We have dozens of furry friends of all ages and breeds up for adoption!

Gary: And each and every one of them, is hoping to find a good home and a loving family.

Kelly: Take Sammy here! Sammy’s a two-year old shephard mix who loves car rides and is great with kids!

Gary: Or how about ol’ Bruce? Bruce has lots of energy! But is a perfect gentleman on walks through the neighborhood!

Kelly: Hewwo. My name is Pwincess, and I wuv curwing up by a toasty fire!

Gary: And, uh.. this here is.. Pumpkin. [ his tension with the cute puppy becomes obvious ]

Kelly: [ also appears frustrated with the cute puppy ] Yeah. Pumpkin is, uh.. uhh..

Gary: To be perfectly honest.. Pumpkin is a bit of a douchebag.

Kelly: Yep! There’s no nicer way to say it! He’s pretty much come on like a first-class tool since Day One!

Gary: I-it’s nothing he’s done, really..

Kelly: No, he hasn’t done anything at all! I just, flat out, don’t like his whole deal! I mean, look at him!

Gary: You know, I can read vibes.. and the vibe I’m getting off this pooch is straight jagweed.

Kelly: It’s, like, if you see a guy with a leather car bra on his Mazda Miata, you don’t even have to talk to him – you know he’s a jerk!

Gary: This dog is like that.

Kelly: A-men!

Gary: Oh, oh, sure.. he’s decent enough looking on the outside, but inside.. he’s a soulless creep.

Kelly: Hmm. Kind of like Craig Kilborn!

Gary: What can I say, folks? We get a lot of great dogs in here, but, every once in a while, a real dildo slips through the cracks!

Kelly: Hey, but if that’s your thing – adopt him! Let him hang with your kids. I guarantee you, they’ll turn out to be real a-holes!

Gary: Uh, you know what? Probably, the less said about Pumpkin, the better.

Kelly: I agree! But we’ve got lots of other furry friends just waiting to be picked up for adoption! Like Bongo here!

Gary: Okay, you know what? Hold up a minute. [ chuckles ] Let’s hold up on Bongo, uh.. I can’t let this thing go.

Kelly: Me, either!

Gary: [ putting his face up against Pumpkin’s cage ] You think you’re really something, don’t you? With the tail-wagging, and the running around..

Kelly: I am on to you, pally!

Gary: [ groans ] You know what? Just give me a reason, mac.. because I am this close to shipping you off to the Korean barbecue!

Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hey. Take it easy, Gary!

Gary: I know.. I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate this dog so much! [ chuckles, sighs ]

Kelly: The Greenbriar County Animal Shelter. Make a friend for life.

Gary: [ laughing ] You’re not fooling anybody, friend! Noooo, you’re not..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Kelly Ripa’s Monologue

…..Kelly Ripa
Female Audience Member…..
Regis Fan…..Steve Higgins
Angry Husband…..J.B. Smoove
Angry Wife…..Paula Pell
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch
Male Audience Member…..Jason Sudeikis
Pervert…..Jim Downey

Kelly Ripa: Wooow! I.. am.. so excited to be here tonight! Oh! Saturdays are my only night off, so usually I’m home getting pregnant! But this is fun, too. It’svery scary, though, hosting a show all by myself – you know, I.. need a little Irish man with me! You know, they asked me what I wanted to do for my monologue, and I was, like, “Gee, I don’t know,” you know? I’m used to live TV, so I think I’ll just.. talk to the people. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. So.. how you doing?

Female Audience Member: [ nervous, but excited ] How are you?

Kelly Ripa: Hi!

Female Audience Member: Hi!

Kelly Ripa: Where are you from?

Female Audience Member: Westchester.

Kelly Ripa: Westchester! County?

Female Audience Member: Yes.

Kelly Ripa: How’s Westchester this time of year.

Female Audience Member: It’s very nice – thank you!

Kelly Ripa: I’m from New Jersey. [ audience cheers ] Have you ever been to New Jersey?

Female Audience Member: Yes, I have.

Kelly Ripa: That’s great.

Female Audience Member: The road’s a pain..

Kelly Ripa: Yeah. Thank you.

Female Audience Member: You’re welcome..

[ Kelly moves over to a group wearing colorful “I Love Regis!” t-shirts ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, look at you! I like your shirts, they’re really cute!

Regis Fan: Is Regis coming out later?

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. no.. I’m sorry. Regis is performing at Foxwoods Country Club tonight.

Regis Fan: Let’s go, come on.. maybe we can catch the 12:05. We love you, Kelly!

[ the group of Regis fans exit the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: I guess I’ll see you later, then..

[ Angry Husband and Wife stand ]

Angry Husband: Hey, Kelly Ripa! We got a question!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Angry Husband: Now, you’re 33 years old?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: And you got three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. I am very lucky – I hhave three beautiful children!

Angry Husband: So, you’re 33.. and you have three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: [ yells at Wife ] See, I told you! We only got two kids! Why can’t you.. look like that?!

Angry Wife: Don’t start with me, Terrell!

Angry Husband: She got three damn kids!!

Kelly Ripa: I’m sorry about that.. [ points ] Yes, you. Yes?

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah! I want to know.. why you let those children.. work.. in the sweatshops.. to make your lcothing line!

Kelly Ripa: No, no.. that’s not me. You’re thinking of.. P. Diddy.

Ruth Weinstock: No, actually, I’m thinking of Kathie Lee Gifford – the lady before you!

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. yes. Okay.

Ruth Weinstock: On “Regis & Kathie Lee!“

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I-I-I know.

Ruth Weinstock: I liked her.. bet-ter than you!

Kelly Ripa: Great. Thank.. thank you. [ looks to another audience member ] Yes! Hi! how are you?

Pervert: Hi. I’m a.. a big fan of your work. Even before “Regis & Kelly”.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. oh! On “All My Children”?

Pervert: No, on “Dance Party USA”.

Kelly Ripa: Ohh?

Pervert: You really were quite spectacular.

Kelly Ripa: Thank you. Yes, for those of you don’t know, “Dance Party USA” is kind of like an “American Bandstand”-type show that I was on when I was, like.. 14.

Pervert: I’ve enjoyed watching you blossom into womanhood.

Kelly Ripa: [ slightly disturbed ] Thank you..

Pervert: My favorite episode of “Dance Party USA” is Episode 514, where you slow dance with Matt Richinski to “Neverending Story” by Limahl.

Kelly Ripa: I, uh.. I don’t really remember that..

Pervert: I do.

Kelly Ripa: Do you have a question?

Pervert: Yes. Do you breastfeed your children?

Kelly Ripa: [ stunned ] Eugh! Get out of here! [ to Security ] Get him out of here!

[ Security escorts Pervert out of the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my gosh!

Male Audience Member: Hi, Kelly? Hi! I’m a big fan of your new sitcom, “Hope & Faith”!

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Oh, wow, thank you!

Male Audience Member: Yeah, no, I was just kidding! Uh.. I haven’t seen it yet, but I am an aspiring actor, so I was hoping you could tell me, uh, you know, what I’m doing wrong, since I have zero jobs, and you have three.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. well, sure.. first, you have to work really hard.. and then you –

Angry Husband: [ jumps up again ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got three jobs?!

Kelly Ripa: Sssssorta..

Angry Husband: And your husband got one job?!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah..

Angry Husband: Dammit, woman! [ smacks his wife with a newspaper ] I’m gonna leave you.. for her! That’s what I’m gonna do!!

Angry Wife: You want him? Take him! I hope you like credit card debt!

[ the Regis fans re-enter and return to their seats ]

Regis Fan: Kelly..? We came back..

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Ohhhhh! Great!

Regis Fan: Yeah.. it felt, you know, it felt rude to leave, and, you know what? We don’t need to see Regis – you’re the best!

Kelly Ripa: You missed your bus, huh?

Regis Fan: Yeah.

Kelly Ripa: I thought that.. but don’t worry about a thing, because we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Outkast is here! You stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Live! with Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Angelina Jolie…..Kelly Ripa
Actor……Seth Meyers

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got: from “Casa de Los Babys”, actress Mary Steenbergen; from her new film, “Beyond Borders”, Angelina Jolie; and the musical stylings of Manhatten Transfer. Plus, as usual, Drive You Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ Regis & Kelly enter set, take their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well..

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!

Regis Philbin: Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-oooo, everyone!

Regis Philbin: You’re feeling good this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I.. am.. exhausted, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Really?

Kelly Ripa: It is exhausting when you have a hit sitcom!

Regis Philbin: Alright..

Kelly Ripa: Now they tell me they want to do a spinoff of the show..

Regis Philbin: Already?

Kelly Ripa: And, they’re doing a movie based on my character Haley from “All My Children”.. and it’s got tons of stunts in it, so I have to rehearse because I do all my own stunts! And, of course, I’ve got my book deal!

Regis Philbin: You’re writing a book?

Kelly Ripa: I am also writing a book! So, what did you do this weekend, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Well, I played a round of golf with John & Mary Lithgow.. then I drank a vanilla Ensure and fell asleep on the hammock.

Kelly Ripa: Oo-oo-oo-oohhh! Can you guys picture that – Regis sleeping on a hammock! That’s so cute!

Regis Philbin: Alright, alright.. calm down, Pickle!

Kelly Ripa: Okay!

Regis Philbin: Now.. it was Halloween this past weekend. Did your kids have fun?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! We all got dressed up for Halloween, and I brought some pictures.

[ various photos of unassociated children dressed in Halloween costumes are displayed onscreen ]

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Angus.

Regis Philbin: Alright.

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Katie!

Regis Philbin: Cute.

Kelly Ripa: Diego!

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: Caitlin!

Regis Philbin: Look at that!

Kelly Ripa: Tammy!

Regis Philbin: So many babies!

Kelly Ripa: Dylan!

Regis Philbin: Ripa, that baby’s Chinese!

Kelly Ripa: Law of Averages, Reege!

Regis Philbin: [ reflecting ] You know.. I remember a Halloween party once, where Lola Falana showed up dressed as a hobo.. Rickles came as Mean Joe Green.. and Ava Gabor came dressed up as Zsa Zsa Gabor!! [ manic ] It confused the HELL out of me!!

Kelly Ripa: I would be confused, too, Reege, ’cause I don’t know who any of those people are! [ laughs hysterically ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy.. How was your Halloween, Gelman?

Gelman: It was great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What did you do?

Gelman: I, uh.. marched in a parade in the Village!

Regis Philbin: You know, you’re a weird little man, Gelman..

Gelman: You might be right, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Well, anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today – I mean, they’re all great.. but this one is really great!

Kelly Ripa: Oh. Angelina Jolie is here. Oh, she’s fantastic! She was so good in “Tomb Raider 2”, I hope there’s a “Tomb Raider 3“!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Let’s bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, the freakish Angelina Jolie!

[ Angelina Jolie enters set, sits next to Regis ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay! Now, Angelina.. it is so nice to have you here, but I need to tell you that you.. scare me!

Regis Philbin: [ reading from a card ] Now, it says here that you make out with your brother.. you wear your boyfriend’s blood on a locket around your neck.. you carve Devil symbols on your arms with witch daggers!

Kelly Ripa: Yikes!

Angelina Jolie: Actually, those are just rumors that got out of control. I don’t wear blood around my neck.. my brother and I broke up a long time ago.. and the Devil symbols are actually on my buttocks!

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Am I right, Gelman!

Angelina Jolie: [ smiling ] It sure is, Reege!

Regis Philbin: “Beyond Borders”. Tell us what it was like making that movie.

Angelina Jolie: Well, it was amazing. “Beyond Borders” is a very.. human story about humans helping other sick humans.. in a very humane way.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm.

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Let’s watch the clip!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

[ cut to fake movie clip ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s over there?

Actor: [ dramatic beat ] The border.

[ music sting ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s beyond there?

Actor: Ssshhh.

Angelina Jolie: I want to go beyond.. beyond borders.

[ cut back to the studio, Regis is laughing hysterically ]

Kelly Ripa: Wow!!

Regis Philbin: That was fantastic! I can’t believe that movie was such a flop! Have you ever been beyond borders, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shakes head, smiles ] Don’t go there, Reege!

Angelina Jolie: Well, it really doesn’t matter, because it pales in comparison to the actual experience of making the movie. I lived there for three monthas in a hut, with hut people in the mouth of a volcano.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm..

Angelina Jolie: I learned their language, and a man chased my evil spirits away with a feather on the end of a stick!

Regis Philbin: Angelina, you are a cuckoo, but I love you!

Kelly Ripa: You are so strong! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And very brave! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And you are an inapiration to all —

[ Angelina kicks Ripa in the head ]

Angelina Jolie: I’m sorry, I find your perkiness disgusting!

Regis Philbin: [ happy ] Looks like we’ve got a catfight on our hands, Gelman! What do we do?!

Gelman: It doesn’t interest me, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. We’ll be right back with Drive You Wild Travel Trivia!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Goodnights

…..Kelly Ripa

Kelly Ripa: Thank you so much to Outkast – Chris Kattan and the entire cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live! Thank you, everybody, good night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Center for Cow Fart Study

Larry…..Will Forte
Carl…..Fred Armisen
Debbie…..Kelly Ripa

[open on exterior of building with sign: “University of Nebraska Environmental and Bovine Research Center”]

[dissolve to interior, with Larry sitting in a small, round room with the rear ends of cows and several wall-mounted measuring devices]

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Excellent

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Very interesting. Methane levels standard positive.

[Carl knocks at door and enters]

Carl: Larry, your wife’s here to see you.

Larry: What? Not now, Carl. I’m very busy.

Carl: I think she’s coming in right now, man.

[Debbie enters]

Larry: Debbie, what’re you doing here?!

Debbie: Larry, we have to talk.

Larry: I can’t talk now. I thought I made it very clear: I cannot be bothered at work. My work is too important.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: It’s not too important for what I have to say to you.

Larry: This can’t wait?

Debbie: No, it cannot. I’m leaving you, Larry.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: That’s just great. I just missed an emissions reading. Great.

Debbie: Are you listening to me?! It’s over, Larry!

Larry: You would leave me now, when I’m so close to finishing my work?

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Your work? Larry, your work is a joke!

Larry: I will not stand for that. My work is not a joke.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Do you know what it’s like to have to tell all my friends that my husband sits around in a room full of cow asses and waits for them to fart?

Larry: If they were educated, they would know that methane gases from livestock are affecting our climate. The Earth’s temperature is rising This is serious stuff.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You study farts.

Larry: My work has nothing to do with farts.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You were saying?

Larry: I don’t study farts.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I study climate changes due to ozone loss. I am a scientist.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Debbie, I know this hasn’t been easy for you.

Debbie: It hasn’t! It just hasn’t! [turns away and weeps] I can’t take it anymore!

Larry: It’s only a year. Maybe three. You could just hang on.

Debbie: But I’m pregnant.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry, it’s no use!

Larry: You’re gonna have a baby? Don’t you see? This changes everything!

Debbie: You would leave all this?

Larry: Well, let me think about this. Can I in good conscience leave this work?

[Larry looks into the distance pensively while Debbie looks at him imploringly and cow flatulence continues to sound]

Larry: I’ve thought it over.

Debbie: And?

Larry: I love you, Debbie.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry. I love you!

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I’ve been a fool! This whole time, worrying day and night about methane, cow farts, thinking the world was in danger. The world wasn’t in danger; it was me. I say goodbye to this. I choose life.

Debbie: I choose it with you, Larry.

Larry: Cow farts. What a waste of time.

[cow flatulence]

[dissolve to the Earth as seen from outer space]

Larry: [voice over] Whooooo! This water-skiing sure is fun, Debbie!

Debbie: [voice over] Be careful, honey.

Larry: [voice over] Oh, I will. Boy, it sure is hot today.

Debbie: [voice over] It sure is. Really hot.

[cow flatulence sounds and the Earth bursts into flames]

Voice Over: It’s no joke. Support ozone research. Brought to you by the Center for Cow Fart Study. [logo and title: “CENTER for COW FART STUDY”] [aside] That’s the name you’re going with?

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little over six months ago.. I asked for your support, and your trust, as our nation began a great undertaking: Operation Iraqi Freedom. And tonight, I want to assure you, that despite what you may have heard, or read.. Operation Iraqi Freedom.. has been a huge success. Major combat operations have ended. [ a quick beat ] Honestly. They have. The people or Iraq are free. And, while the hunt for Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction continues.. what we have found already.. leads little doubt.. as to the threat he posed. Just this week, for example, American troops undercovered what was clearly a major chemical weapons lab. And, although they found no actual chemical weapons – as such – what they did find.. was just as good. This.. [ holds up a measuring cup ] This.. [ holds up rubber gloves ] And, the real smoking gun – This thing. [ holds up a rubber spatula ] No doubt, the weapons lab was just one of many in Iraq.. and we intend to find them all!

Now.. chemical weapons are bad enough. But as those anthrax-filled letters of two years ago made clear.. biological wepons are every bit as deadly. and two days ago, in a safehouse outside Tickery — Tickery..? — ..coalition forces. They made a chilling discovery. No, not anthrax. Something even more disturbing. These. [ holds up a stack of empty #10 envelopes ] Perhaps as many as a thousand. And that’s all. It appears that Saddam loyalists were about to raise the terror threat to a new, more ominous level. [ holds up large manila envelopes ] But we won this round.

Now.. what about Saddam’s nuclear weapons program? Here, unfortunately, there have as yet been no major discoveries. But we’re still looking. And we’re in noooo hurry. We’ve got aaaall the time in the world. And, even if the evidence is never found, does anyone doubt that, because of our actions, the Iraqi people are better off now than they were a year ago? Under Saddam, despite the country’s oil riches, Iraqis lived a life of deprevation. Today, because of us, all of that has changed. The country’s infrastructure has been completely rebuilt, with new roads, power stations, hospitals, and sports stadiums. By summer, every home in Iraq will have central air-conditioning and high-speed broadband internet access. In addition, Iraqis now enjoy free universal health care provided by the U.S., including cosmetic surgery.. and full prescription drug coverage.. and, because so many new schools have been built – again, by us – Iraq now has the world’s biggest student-teacher ratio, with only eight students per class. And every one of those students, from kindergarten to twelfth grade, has his own GP Pwer Book, courtesy of the U.S. Along with an iPod, cell phone, and $200 per week walking-around money! And.. in return for all of this, what have we asked of Iraq? Nothing. Not one red cent. Even though Iraqi leaders have offered to at least partly reimburse us with future oil revenues. But our answer to the people of Iraq remains the same: “Your money’s no good here.” We can’t accept it.. because we came to Iraq, not as conquerors.. [ whispers stealthily ] we came as liberators. And soon, perhaps in five years.. or fifteen years.. our troops will leave Iraq. And its people will form its own government through free elections. After we’ve replaced all the country’s punch-card voting machines with new, state-of-the-art touch-pad systems. Because, when the Iraqi people cast their first vote, we want every.. vote.. counted.

Naturally, rebuilding Iraq’s gonna cost.. money. A lot of money. Perhaps, as much as 1,700 million.. uh., b-billion dollars. After all, there are a lot of homes in Iraq, and flatscreen TVs aren’t cheap. But the fact is, we have no alternative. That’s why, early this week, I intend to ask Congress for an additional appropriation to finish the job, in the form of what I call.. a “blank check.” I’m not gonna tell them the amount. Because, partly.. that’s the point of a blank check. And, in all honesty.. [ chuckles ] It’d just be a guess, anyway!

Thank you. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Leilani Burke: Pet Psychic

Leilani Burke…..Maya Rudolph
Leslie Collins…..Kelly Ripa
Terry Jerome…..Horatio Sanz
Chrissy Morten…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: And now its time for Leilani Burke:PetPsychic. With your host Leilani Burke.

(In Leilani’s set, orange is the predominant color.Set is orange, Leilani is a red head, and she’sdressed in mostly orange hippie attire. Three guestssit with Leilani)

Leilani Burke: (soft, soulful voice) Oh, thank you Glenn. Oh,hello. I’m Leilani. And we have a very special showtoday. (Soft instrumental music plays, she gets up andsings)Tiny paws and fur behinds, don’t be fooled theygot big minds, just stick around you’re right on time,for “The Leilani Burke Show”.(Applause, she sitsdown)Thank you. Aww, yeah, I thought that was prettyneat too. I hope you liked that song. I feel I shouldmention that I recorded it at my at-home studio whereI use a wonderful 3,000 cord electronic keyboard. It’sjust a hobby. That is if you consider what you wereborn to do, a hobby. Let’s say hello to our firstguests. Keanu is a beautiful cat and her owner isstay-at-home mom Leslie Collins. Hey, you two!

(Leslie is a plain looking housewife holding a brown cat)

Lesslie Collins: Hi, Leilani. Thanks for having us.

Leilani Burke: Oh, sure. So what brings you here today.

Lesslie Collins: Well, I’ve had Keanu since I was incollege, but I got married and I had some kids and acouple of years ago it just seems there’s somedistance between us.

Leilani Burke: Yeah, cat feelings are very complicated,Leslie. You may not know this but in cat’s languagethere are over 200 words for string. Come here Keanu,let’s have a talk.(Picks cat up and talks to it)Howyou doing? Nice to meet you too mister. What’s that?My song? You liked it? Well, thank you. I think itdoes show off my range. No, an 8 track. No, I only usea 4 track. Yeah, people think it sounds like an 8track but I dump it all down to the one track andbuild up on that. No, actually i don’t have arecording contract. Really? You know Phil Stiles atKingpin Records?! Well, I would love to give you ademo tape. I am really glad we had a chance to talktoo, Keanu.

Lesslie Collins: Are you saying my cat knows a record producer?

Leilani Burke: Well, not just any record producer, THE Phil Stiles.

Lesslie Collins: When would my cat have a chance to meet Phil Stiles?

Leilani Burke: You know, I think you have to pay a littlebit more attention to your cat’s schedule.

Lesslie Collins: Doesn’t he has anything to say about me?

Leilani Burke: Let me ask him. Hey, buddy. What do you thinkabout Leslie? Yeah, I know! Ha,ha,ha! It’s true! Sheis very needy. Yeah, your relationship is great.(Gives cat back to a stumped Leslie) Moving right along, what do we have over here?

(Fat, nerdy looking guy holds a yellow bird in a birdcage)

Terry Jerome: Hi. I’m Terry Jerome. And this is mybest friend Barbara.(Holds cage up)

Leilani Burke: OK. Now Terry, I understand that you co-own a pottery shop.

Terry Jerome: That’s right, Leilani. I own a great little place where people can do their own pottery. It’s called “Welcome Back, Potter”

Lesslie Collins: That’s so funny. You know, I met my husband in a pottery class.

Leilani Burke: (kind of snippy)Boy, you really do need a lot of attention, don’t you?! So Terry, what’s going on with Barbara?

Terry Jerome: Well Leilani, Barbara is is very special to me and I just wanna know if she loves me as much as I love her.

Leilani Burke: Well that’s great Terry. Why don’t I ask himmyself? (To Leslie)If that’s OK with you!(Grabsbirdcage, talks to the bird)Come on Barbara. What’sthat? Oh, you like my lyrics? Well, thanks. So many ofthem come straight from my own journals that I juststarted calling my journals my song books. Yeah, youdid? Well, I had lunch with Phil Stiles too. Really?Well, I guess he takes everyone to “The FettuchinniFactory”. Uh?, no I didn’t. I had a salad. What?Phil?! Well, I guess there was a mild flirtation.

Terry Jerome: Leilani, does my bird love me?

Leilani Burke: Well, she loves you but she’s not in love with you. (Gives birdcage back to Jerome) She hopes you understand. Well, I think that about wraps up our show.

Chrissy Morten: Hey! What about me?

Leilani Burke: Oh, my Goodness! We have another guest! Iforgot. That is the fourth show in a row that I havedone that Glenn. I’m sorry ma’am. And you are?

(Ugly looking Chrissy switches places with Leslie,sits next to Leilani, she holds a plastic fishbowlwith a turtle in it)

Chrissy Morten: Chrissy Morten and this is my turtleRupert. Leilani, we had a turtle race for charity atmy church and Rupert came in second. He’s beendepressed ever since. He’ll always be a winner to me.I just wish he felt that way about himself.

(Gives Leilani the plastic fishbowl, Leilani talks toRupert the turtle)

Leilani Burke: Yeah, let me have a talk with him. Hello,Rupert. What’s that? Yeah, I know how you feel. You’redisappointed in yourself. I know. Listen, I was reallyangry with myself when I slept with Phil Stile’sassistant. Yes, I did have some wine. Hmm? PinotGrigio. Just a glass. All right, a carafe. (gettingangry)All right, it was a box of wine!(very angry) Allright, it was a box of paint thinner and when I wokeup I could talk to animals!(gives turtle back)

Chrissy Morten: I feel uncomfortable.

Leilani Burke: That’s great!(soft, delicate)Well, that was aterrific show. I had a blast. I’m Leilani Burke andyou’ve been watching(sings)”The Leilani Burke Show”.

(Show’s logo appears)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
Renee Zelwegger….Kelly Ripa
Mortimer Barnswallow….Horatio Sanz

(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands inthe studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelweggergets fat)

Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!

Pat O’Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to AccessHollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien. Scientists tell me thatthe space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothingcan escape it. Not even light. Word around town isthat Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for herupcoming role to the sequel to “Bridget Jone’s Diary”.She’s not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesingfor “dairy” products. Last week I caught up with Reneeto get to the bottom of her really big bottom.

(Show’s logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on achair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has hereyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)

Pat O’Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but youwear it well. You’re looking fantastic. I’m over here.Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I’m over here!

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds andI’m carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.

Pat O’Brien: But you didn’t do it alone. Is thatright?

Renee Zelwegger: That’s right Pat. When I learn a newaccent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. Andwhen I need to gain weight for a role I work with anobesity coach.

Pat O’Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach.You work with the best in the biz. The legendaryMortimer Barnswallow and he’s here tonight.

(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowlyappears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)

Pat O’Brien: Yep, there he is. He’s here. Take yourtime Mortimer.

(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next toRenee lifting the whole side of the couch that Reneeis sitting on. Her feet don’t touch the ground.)

Pat O’Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we shouldlet people know as far as obesity coaches go you’re atthe top of the list.

Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I’m the greatestobesity coach of this generation. I use Viennasausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And Ihaven’t had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.

(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)

Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up withMortimer after being so impressed with his otherclients.

Mortimer Barnswallow: You’ve no doubt seen my workbefore. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS,changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed,uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chinphoto of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo ofMatthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo ofMatthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on “StarTrek”(black and white photo of young actor, change tophoto of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)

Pat O’Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!

Mortimer Barnswallow: I’ll never forget what he saidto me when I force-fed him his third helping of beefstroganoff.

Pat O’Brien: What was that?

Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I’m-agiving it all she’s got but my colon, she cannot takeit no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)

Pat O’Brien: Renee, you’ve got to tell me. What is itlike to be working with a living legend like MortimerBarnswallow?

Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Didyou know that he finished Mamma Cass’s last hamsandwich?

Mortimer Barnswallow: There’s more residual nutritionin my flatulence than in most American schoolslunches.

Renee Zelwegger: That’s true.

Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn’t rocket sciencePat. There is so many things people can do to becomedangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead ofone.

(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets upand the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down.Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee isagain suspended in the air)

Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkiesback to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) Andsqueeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion hepushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)

Pat O’Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate2 Twinkies at once!

Renee Zelwegger: I can’t see.

Pat O’Brien: I can’t breathe.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I can’t wash myself without abroom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face butshoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgiveme! I’m simply parched under these studiolights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce,anyone?(Gulps it down)

Pat O’Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank youbuddy. I’m good. Renee tough as it may have been itlooks like it had the desired effect.

Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entireregiment and did everything he told me and when Ishowed up for my first screen test this is what Ilooked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)

Pat O’Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!

Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn’t think it was me. Theytried to direct me to the set for “The Klumps Part 3”.

Pat O’Brien: Of course.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quitefetching.

Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn’t quite what they werelooking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and severalhundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I wasready to begin shooting.

Pat O’Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow andRenee Zelwegger. We’ll be right back with more AccessHollywood right after this. Wait till you see what mygood friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Waittill you see what happens on “Friends” thisweek.(pause) I’m Pat O’Brien.

(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears.Light!Camera!Access!)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


November 1st, 2003

Kelly Ripa

Outkast

Chris Kattan

Sleepy Brown
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Darrell Hammond) addresses the nation.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Note: The search for the post-Ferrell Bush impressionist continues, as Darrell Hammond takes over the role from Chris Parnell.

Transcript

MontageNote: Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson do not appear in this episode.

Kelly Ripa’s MonologueSummary: Kelly Ripa takes questions from members of the audience.

Recurring Characters: Ruth Weinstock, Terrell, Terrell’s Wife.

Note: Jim Downey (wearing reading glasses) can be seen in the audience reading over his script before Kelly Ripa begins her monologue.

Bio: Kelly Ripa (1970-) helped American television audiences forget about Kathie Lee Gifford after taking over her chair on the old “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee” morning show.

Transcript

Tressant SuprêmeSummary: Kelly Ripa keeps her hair shiny with cocaine ingredients.

Transcript

Live! With Regis & KellySummary: Angelina Jolie (Kelly Ripa) finds Kelly Ripa’s (Amy Poehler) childlike excitement aggravating.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman, Angelina Jolie.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Pat O’Brien (Jimmy Fallon) interviews Renee Zellweger (Kelly Ripa) and meets her professional weight gain coach (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien.

Transcript

Outkast performs “Hey Ya!”Note: Because Outkast released two solo albums as a double album, André 3000 and Big Boi appear separately in tonight’s performances. André 3000 performs this song.

Bio: Outkast is hip hop duo André “André 3000” Benjamin (formerly known as “Dre”) and Antwan “Big Boi” Patton, and they hail from Atlanta.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) flirts with Jimmy Fallon while telling him what she did on Halloween. Jimmy Buffett (Horatio Sanz) cracks up Jimmy Fallon with his song variations.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

Transcript

Center For Cow Fart StudySummary: Scientist’s (Will Forte) wife (Kelly Ripa) is angered by his quest to save the ozone layer by studying cow farts.

Transcript

Lelaini Burke: Pet PsychicSummary: Lelaini Burke (Maya Rudolph) seeks approval for her singing from her guests’ pets.

Recurring Characters: Lelaini Burke.

Transcript

Outkast performs “The Way You Move”Note: Because Outkast released two solo albums as a double album, André 3000 and Big Boi appear separately in tonight’s performances. Big Boi performs this song with Sleepy Brown.

Spy GlassSummary: Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler) host this British version of “Access Hollywood.”

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Pat O’Brien.

Transcript

Greenbriar County Animal Rescue ShelterSummary: A veterinarian (Chris Parnell) viciously insults the dog he’s offering for adoption.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts