Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Boston Teens

Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Danny…..Justin Timberlake
Maitre’D…..Chris Parnell
Waiter…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on Denise leading a blindfolded Sully into an elegant restaurant, followed by the watchful eyes of Tommy’s camcorder ]

Denise: Tommy, over here! Get the look on his face! Alright! Pat Sullivan.. are you ready for your birthday surprise?!

Sully: Where have you taken me? I hope it’s not a high-end strip club.

Denise: It’s not! It is Boston’s acclaimed eatery – Anthony’s Pier 4! [ pulls the blindfold from Sully’s eyes ]

Sully: [ underwhelmed ] Oh.. alright..

Denise: What?! Are you not excited?!

Sully: When you said I had to wear a tie, I thought we were going to the Champagne Room at Ritz Dollhouse. Not that I would know their requirements!

Denise: Sorry – no strippers. But, if you play your cards right, you’ll get your own private sohw, later tonight on the futon on ya’ mother’s sunporch!

Sully: Your mother’s sunporch!

Denise: You ah!

[ they proceed to make out, as Denise’s younger brother Danny separates them ]

Danny: Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off! You’re gonna put people off their chowdah!

Denise: [ groans ] What was paported to be a romantic evening, has blossomed into a full-blown family affair, as we are accompanied by my little brother Danny.

Danny: Call me Dadoo!

Sully: Why is he heah?

Denise: My mother went to Foxwoods.

Sully: For the wonder of it all?

Denise: Yeah. And I cannot leave him unattended, because, if he gets arrested one more time, he’ll become a ward of the state!

[ Maitre’D approaches ]

Maitre’D: May I help you?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. we have a reservation, under “Zazoo”.

Sully: Nice! [ to the camcorder ] Never use your real name, in case you decide to dine and dash!

Maitre’D: [ disgusted ] Table for three?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. [ points to Dadoo ] ..but this one will not be eating.

Sully: Uh.. make sure it’s a nice table there – not too close to the crack! [ slips the Maitre’D a single dollar bill ]

Maitre’D: [ chuckles ]

Denise: Nice!

Maitre’D: [ leads the trio to their table ] Here we are.

Denise: Ah.. delightful.

[ the three of them sit at the table ]

Sully: Denise, this is the greatest birthday of my life! There’s magic in the air.. and I just want to say that I am madly in love.. eith the Boston Red Sox! Down, but not OUT, baby!! Yeah! [ working the other diners ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!” RED SOX!!

Crowd: NOMAAAARRRR!!

Sully: [ pointing ] That lady didn’t say it! You’re a jinx! I will take you down like Don Zimmer!

Denise: [ to the camcorder ] Sully is very superstitious.

Sully: Yeah! I will not shave my beard until the series is over! [ camera zooms in on the practically hairless beard upon Sully’s face ]

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Good evening, uh.. my name is Michael, and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you a beverage to start?

Sully: Strawberry daiquiri.

Denise: A chocolate mudslide.

Danny: Amaretto and cream.

Waiter: Great! Can I see some IDs?

Sully: Iced tea!

Denise: Diet Coke.

Danny: Chocolate milk.

Waiter: Fantastic! I’l be right back.

Sully: Good Lord, Denise.. this place is pricey.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Sully.. we’re livin’ large tonight. We’re like Ben and J. Lo in the box seats, I swear to Gawd! If you want, you can even get Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: I’ll surf your turf!

Denise: You’re a wicked moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they make out ]

Danny: [ raises his lit menu ] Hey, Chief? I’m gonna need another menu. This one’s on fire!

Waiter: [ rushes in ] Oh, my God! Sorry!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

Sully: Hey! Knock it off, you pyro!

Denise: Leave him alone! You know he’s got problems!

Sully: This kid enjoys fires the way other people enjoy, say.. a work of art.. or intercourse.

Danny: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Denise: Gawd.. On the bright side, Danny’s problems may turn into cold, hard cash for the McDunna Family. We’reexpecting a $300,000 settlement from the Boston Archdiocese. And, though I cannot specify why, suffice it to say, my brother’s cherubic good looks did play a major part!

Danny: I was only minorly diddled – only minorly.

Waiter: Are we ready to order?

Denise: Uh.. yeah! I will have the Tuna Tartar – well done.. and the gentleman will have a Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: And no vegetables, please! If there is a vegetable mattah on my plate, the meal will be comp! Thank you.

Danny: And for you, sir?

Denise: Oh, my Gawd – he’s totally fine with just bread!

Danny: [ holds his lit napkin ] Except, I’m gonna need a new napkin – this one’s on fire!

Waiter: Right away, sir..

Denise: Danny!

[ suddenly, Frank enters ]

Frank: De-nise! I had a problem with your car.

Denise: Frank! What are you talkin’ about?

Frank: After youse went inside, I saw smoke comin’ out of the glove compartment, so I opened it! Somebody had lit all your parking tickets on fire! So I poured my bottle of Sprite on it.. but, I forgot – inside my Sprite bottle, I have Vodka! Then, the whole thing lit up.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Danny! See what you did!

Danny: I didn’t do it! I did this one! [ points to the table’s flaming centerpiece ]

Waiter: Oh, my God! alright, you know what?! That is it! That is it! Get out of here! You clearly do not know the proper way to eat out!!

Sully: [ smiles, looks at the camcorder ] Tommy! Please tell me you got that! [ jumps up from the table as they make their exit ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!” RED SOX!!

Crowd: NOMAAAARRRR!!

[ fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

CNN Breaking News

Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: This is CNN.

[open on podium where press conference is held]

Andrea Gilbert: [voice over] This is Andrea Gilbert in Los Angeles, where we’re just moments away from that press conference called by governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. And here he is.

[Arnold walks up to the podium. A text box appears reading “Breaking News: Schwarzenegger Press Conference”.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. Last Tuesday, the people of California went to the polls and sent out their message that they got tired of the career politicians and business as usual, with the taxes and the deficits and the shortages of electricity and all of these things! They voted to make me the governor, to take back the state from the special interests, by cleaning up the mess in Sacramento and so on and so forth. And now, after spending the last four days in the Capital, and studying the situation up close, one thing to me is clear: I have no idea what I’m doing in this job. Oh, yes, and I am in way over my head. That is why late yesterday I phoned the lieutenant governor Cruz Bustamante to inform him that I was officially resigning from my job as governor-elect and now I will have to take your questions, and things of that nature. Yes?

[text box changes to read: Schwarzenegger resigns as governor-elect,Schwarzenegger: “I have no idea what I’m doing”, Schwarzenegger: “I am in way over my head”.]

Reporter 1: [voice over] I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing us details of your conversation with Lieutenant Governor Bustamante. What precisely did you tell him in your phone call?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I explained to Lieutenant Governor Bustamante that I was not qualified for this job because my background as a bodybuilder and action film star did not prepare me for being Governor of California and all these types of things. Although I offered him my help during the transition, not with the tax policy or the budget or the matters of that sort, because my ideas in this area make no sense. But more with the carrying of the file boxes and bookcases and so on. From one office to the other. Yes?

[text changes to “Schwarzenegger offers to assist Bustamante with transition by carrying file boxes, bookcases”]

Reporter 2: [voice over] Did you and Lieutenant Governor agree on a specific date when you will officially hand over the office?

[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “I am not qualified to be governor”]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Unfortunately, as of this afternoon Mr. Bustamante has not agreed to take over as governor. And this is very troubling for me because I am not good at this job! And I am a menace to California. For example, two days ago I just put together my first budget, to close the deficit in control of the state spending and this and that, and turned out it would make the deficit bigger to 117 billion or something like this. And that is three times more than Gray Davis. (starts laughing) That is sort of funny when you think about it. And if you remember what I said in the campaign, we were a long time laughing when we learned this. But let me tell you something, it is not funny for the children and the future of California. Yes?

[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “My policies do not make any sense”]

Reporter 3: [voice over] What if Mr. Bustamante refuses to accept the governorship?

[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “I would triple state deficit”]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Well I hope the Lieutenant Governor Bustamante will do what is right for the people of California, and agree to take over for me as the governor, but if he does not agree to this thing, then we will only have one choice: to start a campaign to have him recalled as Lieutenant Governor and replace him with a Lieutenant Governor who will agree to take my job. The future of California and all of that is just too important, and so on. Thank you.(leaves podium)

[text finally changes to “Schwarzenegger threatens recall of Lt. Gov. Bustamante if he does not agree to replace him as governor”]

Andrea Gilbert: [voice over] It appears that governor-elect Schwarzenegger’s latest press conference has completed, and now the situation in California is no closer to resolution. For CNN, I’m Andrea Gilbert. And now, back to Atlanta.

Submitted by: WebDsignR069

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 11th, 2003

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake

None

Carl Weathers
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the CIA leak in the White House.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Ann Coulter.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: One of Justin Timberlake’s biggest fans turns out to be a middle-aged man (Steve Higgins).

Bio: Justin Timberlake (1981-) is a former vocalist for *NSync and the former boyfriend of Britney Spears. He began his solo career in 2002.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Rock Your Body”

Punk’d: Barely LegalSummary: Ashton Kutcher’s (Justin Timberlake) latest pranks have illegal results.

Note: Justin Timberlake was “Punk’d” by Ashton Kutcher on the show’s premiere episodewhen he was fooled into thinking the IRS was seizing his property for not paying his taxes.

Transcript

CNN Breaking NewsSummary: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) admits he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Scwarzenegger.

Transcript

A Message From Nich Lachey & Jessica SimpsonSummary: Nick Lachey (Jimmy Fallon) rolls his eyes as Jessica Simpson (Justin Timberlake) tries to dispute rumors of her stupidity.

Transcript

Omletteville vs. Benny’sSummary: Dressed in silly food costumes, Benny’s bacon-and-eggs-clad mascot (Chris Parnell) competes in a vocal feud with Omletteville’s omelette-clad mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Note: In the dress rehearsal version, the sketch ends with a strip club owner (Fred Armisen) offers the two mascots jobs dancing in front of his establishment.

DirectTVSummary: Gary Busey (Jeff Richards) expresses how much he loves his DirectTV.

Recurring Characters: Gary Busey.

Transcript

Boston TeensSummary: Denise (Rachel Dratch) treats Sully (Jimmy Fallon) to an elegant birthday dinner.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Senorita”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeyTranscript

The Sharon Osborne ShowSummary: Sharon (Amy Poehler) and Ozzy Osbourne (Horatio Sanz) creep out their guests.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osborne, Michael Bolton.

Rainbow ConnectionSummary: Justin Timberlake’s attempt at a duet with Kermit the Frog morphs into an all-out brawl with the puppeteer (Will Forte).

Transcript

Carl Weathers For GovernorSummary: Carl Weathers announces his bid for governor, hoping such a victory could mean a “Predator” trifecta.

Transcript

Justin’s Dressing RoomSummary: Despite her nonchalence, Amy Poehler is excited to visit Justin Timberlake’s dressing room.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Cry Me A River”

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Brothers Barry (Jimmy Fallon) & Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) interview politicians.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

The Wade Robson Project

Wade…..Seth Meyers
Boogie…..Finesse Mitchell
Amber Lynn…..Maya Rudolph
Katanya…..Amy Poehler
Sparkle…..Jack Black

Announcer: Three new dancers, only two will advance; tonight on The Project.

[Cheering]

[Wade enters and dances]

Wade Robson: Woo, waz crackin’ ya’ll? My name is Wade Robson, welcome to The Wade Robson Project. Yo, I dunno about you, but I’m feelin good. I’m feelin like, I dunno, maybe…[Does dance]

[Crowd cheers]

Wade Robson: Woo, yeah, yeah. [Awkward pause] Yo, we got some dope dancers for ya’ll man. Ya’ll gotta get ready to go off because, I dunno maybe their gonna be like…[Does dance again]

[No response from audience]

Wade Robson: Nothin? Alright. No? Cool. Got it, fair enough. Alright, but before we get started, lemme introduce you to my main man, he’s my dog, my dirty, I’m talkin’ about Boogie ya’ll. He’s the hizzle and he’s in my nizzle!

Boogie: Yo, what did I tell you about that man? You can’t say that word.

Wade Robson: Can’t say “nizzle” got it.

Boogie: ALright, let’s bring out our first dancer to the stage. She’s a former physical therapist, slash, private wrestler, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. Ya’ll, give it up for Amber Lynn!

[Cuts to backstage]

Amber Lynn: Hey, hey, hey, my name is Amber Lynn and I am a Virgo and I am da bomb like that bank robber pizza guy with the collar. See, right now, I am employed at the parking lot at the Bellagio Hotel, resort, casino, and what-not, where I provide the guests with moderately-priced groinial massages to completion…What, what? [Does robot]

Wade Robson: Yo, yo, yo, put your hands together for Amber Lynn!

[Crowd cheers as Amber Lynn enters]

Wade Robson: Hey, Amber Lynn welcome to the show. So what are you gonna do for us today?

Amber Lynn: Well, first off I’d like to give big ups to God AND to Jesus; and I’m goin to be dancin to “I Like to Crotch On You” By R. Kelly.

[Music begins and Amber Lynn does very odd dance moves such as pretending to apply make-up]

Wade Robson: Yo girl that was hot. That was totally hot, but I thought you could’ve maybe took it to the next level. Maybe given it like a [Does dance again]

[Crowd boos]

Wade Robson: Ok, I’ll stop. That’s fine, that’s cool. Alright, lets take it over to Boogie. Who’s next boy?

Boogie: Ok, ok, again, I know you didn’t mean that the way it sounded, but you can’t say that would either man, c’mon.

Wade Robson: Yeah, yeah, you can’t call black dudes “boy” got it, got it.

Boogie: Alright man, let’s bring out our next guest. Ok, she’s a former meat cutter, and currently she’s unemployed. Please welcome Katanya.

[Cuts backstage]

Katanya: Yo, yo, yo, my name is Katanya and I’m 23 yrs old, I’m from Las Vegas and I’m on permanent paid vacation from the meat factory after I fell into the pork shanker…TWICE! Holla-la-la-la-la!!!

Wade Robson: Let’s bring her out. Let’s say hello to Katanya…Girl, I like it; so how u feelin’ Katanya?

Katanya: I just wanna say “Suck on it Phifer Meats! You’re a bad packaging company and you can keep those three fingers!…’Cuz I’m rollin’ in it!” But seriously, if anyone who eats a hot dog, finds my class ring, give me a call because it means a lot to me.

[Christina Aguilera’s “Can’t Hold Us Back” plays while Katanya does dance movements as to have a baby then throw it away]

Wade Robson: Enough, enough, alright, I was feelin’ that. Alright, let’s see, now we gonna go over to my main man to see who’s next. Their ain’t nobody BIGGA, his names Boogie and he’s my —-

Boogie: Hey hey! Don’t, just please man…

Wade Robson: Ok, you’re right. Ok, you saved us all, thank you…

Boogie: Man, here we go again, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. Ya’ll put it up and give your hands and put it together for Sparkle.

[Cuts backstage]

Sparkle: Suuup? My name is Sparkle and I am 38 yrs YOUNG and yeah, I guess I bring it. Do I have a kick ass job? I dunno, is Police Lineup Decoy a kick ass job? What’s that? Yes? Well then I guess I rest my case!

Wade Robson: Here he is ya’ll. Let’s give it up for Sparkle!

Sparkle: Alright, step aside mortals. Prepare to have your minds blown squarely out yo ass!

[Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body” plays and Sparkle bounces, rolls, and hops onstage]

Sparkle: That’s the “Tiger-Roll”. Russian! Russian! Russian! Russian! And then also, Donkey Kick! Double Donkey Kick!

[Music ends]

Wade Robson: Alright yo, we gotta bring everybody out now.

[All enter stage]

Wade Robson: Yo, like, I gotta be honest; you guys are all awful dancers. Like just really bad. Amber Lynn, I’m pretty sure you’re just a straight up hooker…

Amber Lynn: Whooptie, whoop!

Wade Robson: …Aiight, aiight, Katanya, you’re disgusting…

Katanya: Your welcome.

Wade Robson: …Sparkle, I think you have some serious problems man.

Sparkle: Yeah, but what about my routine?!

Wade Robson: It was terrible, you’re eliminated.

Sparkle: Alright, but I will leave you with this…Um, a couple more donkey kicks!

Wade Robson: Ok, yo, yo, you gotta go man. Alright, that’s all the time we got on The Project! Yo, peace out everybody! Let’s dance!

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Rush Limbaugh…..Jeff richards
…..Finesse Mitchell
Wanda Sykes…..Maya Rudolph
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Earlier in the week, Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his plan for the first hundred days of his administration. Actually, it’s only a plan for the first twenty days, but he’s gonna do five reps.

Schwarzenegger also acknowledged in a Los Angeles Times article, documenting his groping of women on movie sets, saying that, although some information was inaccurate, “Whenever there is smoke, there is fire.” Adding.. [ in Scwarzenegger voice ] “And whenever there’s fire, I am squeezing titties! I love to squeeze titties!”

Tina Fey: Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clarke has started giving out Clark bars as souveniers at his rallies. not to be outdone, candidate Al Sharpton continues to eat – and be – Nutrageous.

Jimmy Fallon: America Online launched a new service this week called AOL Latino, aimed at Spanish – speaking households. AOL Latino is just like regular AOL, except when you log on, it’s says.. [ in Spanish voice ] “You got mail, poppy!”

Tina Fey: Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown, after racially-charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that McNabb is given too much credit for his performance because he is black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn’t want you to know: Black people are not good at sports!

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is a tough week for Rush Limbaugh. He’s also under investigation for allegedly purchasing thousands of addictive painkillers from a black market drug runner.

Tina Fey: Here to comment on all of this, is Rush Limbaugh!

Rush Limbaugh: Ah! Thank you! Thank you, Tina. Uhh.. folks. It’s a pleasure to be here – I’d first like to say that my remarks about Donovan McNabb.. were directed at the media.. and were not racially motivated. I am not a racist! Many of my on-air colleagues were blacks. Not just regular blacks, but extremely dark blacks!

Tina Fey: Okay. Now, what about the painkillers? Five thousand painkillers? Why did you need so many pain pills?

Rush Limbaugh: Aw, now.. to-to say that OxyContin are “pain pills” is a gross.. mischaracterization. A typical left-wing, femi-nai propaganda. I assure you, I am healthy! I take OxyContin to trip my balls off! Yeah!

Tina Fey: Alright. so.. it sounds like you don’t have any regrets.

Rush Limbaugh: [ thinking it over ] Well, I do have one regret, uh.. the timing. ..If this drug thing.. sticks.. I could go to jail.. and I just pissed off a lot of black guys! Yeah. Yeah. [ audience laughs, then applauds ] Oh, don’t clap! It’s very dangerous! But it doesn’t bother me, uh.. because.. people can say whatever they want – you know.. you can’t hurt Rush Limbaugh! Seriously.. you can’t hurt me. I have so much Demoral coarsing though my veins.. I can’t feel a thing! Look at this.. [ begins to pound a hammer onto his hand, repeatedly, never flinching ] Nothing! Nothing at all! I don’t feel anything..

Tina Fey: O-kayyy.. Rush Limbaugh, everybody. Rush Limbaugh.

Jimmy Fallon: Sean “P. Diddy” Combs announced Tuesday that he will compete in the New York Marathon, in hopes of raising $1 million for education charities. Combs does not expect to make good time in the race, because it’s very hard to run fast with Ashon Kutcher up his ass the whole time.

Tina Fey: In a stunning development this week, First Lady Laura Bush got engaged, to French president Jacques Chirroc. Best wishes.

As of yesterday, the Bush administration said they still haven’t found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. So, just to recap, here are the things President Bush can’t find:
The White House leak
Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
Saddam Hussein
Osama Bin Laden
A link between Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden
The guy who sent the anthrax through the mail
..and his own butt, with two hands and a flashlight.

Jimmy Fallon: A retired Japanese silkwork breeder, documented as the world’s oldest man, died in his home Sunday, at the age of 114. Fortunately, he died doing what he loved: heroin.

Tina Fey: Well, it’s October, and the Fall movie season is heating up. Here with a review of the new Denzel Washington movie “Out Of Time”, is our entertainment correspondent – and new cast member – Finesse Mitchell!

Finesse Mitchell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. Now, I really want to see this movie, but I have to wait a while. Going to see a movie in my neighborhood would be really hard – you don’t actually get ot see the movie. I mean, the last movie I went to see in my neighborhood was “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” at the Magic Johnson Theater. There was so much going on – people were having a birthday party inside the theater. They were passing around cake – I didn’t know you could do that. The movie started, and people were cheering – but not cheering like “We want the movie! Bring on –” No, it was a big group of girls sitting in front of me, actually cheering. Like this: “Crouching Tigerrrr, Hidden Drag-an! Crouching Tigerrrrrrr, Hidden Drag-annnnnn! I said my name is Laticia – Crouching Tiger, Crouching Tiger! It’s my birthday, up in here – Crouching Tiger, Crouching Tiger! What’s up, Tisha? Hey, girl! Call me! Okay, okay? Ah ah ah ah ah..!” So, you know – I wanted to see the movie, so I tried to do my “I’m gonna go and get the manager if you don’t keep it down” white man cough. I mean, you know how they do it – they go: [ makes coughing sounds ] But she just turned around and said: “[ imitating coughing ] Something wrong with your throat?! You need a Sucret’s?! Give him some cake or something, I don’t know.. it’s my birthday!”

But, listen.. when Laticia found out she had to read for two-and-a-half hours.. ’cause “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”‘s half subtitles. so, when she found out she had to read – oh my goodness. She was excited at first: “Thank you, girl! Thank you, Frere Jacques! Thank you, Preciante – uh, ooh.. we have to read?! Oh, I hate y’all! Something told me we shoulda saw ‘Shrek’!” Now, I don’t claim to know everything – ’cause I’m from Georgia, you know? But I’m pretty damn sure you’re not supposed to read out loud in no movie theater! It sounded like a ghetto karaoke bible study was going on in there. People who were reading out loud was using their finger.. [ demonstrates ] “The green.. destiny sword.. does not belong to you.. and..” [ mimes turning the page ] But that wasn’t the funny part, the funny part was that there was sixty of us in the theater; thirty out of the sixty was reading out loud! Fifteen out of the thirty were not on the 8th grade reading level we’re all supposed to be on, so they could not finish the screen before it switched on to something else! [ demonstrates ] “You.. have.. betrayed.. my.. family.. and [ screen changes ] — oh, shoot! SLOW it down! It’s my BIRTHDAY, slow it DOWN!! I got you, Preciante, I got you.”

Tina? It was a nightmare.

Tina Fey: Finesse Mitchell, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Madonna has agreed to star as a kinky, leather-clad dominatrix in Britney Spears’ new music video. This should be really hot – for anyone who finds sad desperation hot.

Tina Fey: Yes!

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So, don’t worry, single women, you’ll be dead soon!

Billy Joel shattered his wrist this week, after falling down the stairs while inspecting renovations at his Long Island home. The fall has left Joel no choice, but to fire his contractors James Bean and Glenn Fittish.

Jimmy Fallon: Eight years after divorcing his wife, Roy Littlejohns has married the woman’s identical twin sister. [ mysteriously ] Or so he thinks..

[ cut to Tina, casually drinking from a glass of Scotch as she turns to stare at Jimmy ]

[ cut back to Jimmy, who has just applied a fake moustache to his upper lip, now laughing with a sinister tone over ominous music ]

[ cut to wide shot of Jimmy and Tina, as they freeze in place to applause, then continue the newscast ]

Tina Fey: Police in Rockton, Illinois arrested Robert Moy after he fired a gun at the owner of a pizza restaurant, because his pizza was delivered an hour late. Moy is expected to please “Crazy Bread.”

[ laughs ] That’s my favorite! Anyway..

Viewers of last week’s 55th Annual Emmy Awards may have noticed an incredibly awkward moment betwene Bill Cosby and comedienne Wanda Sykes.

Jimmy Fallon: [ curious ] What are you talking about?

Tina Fey: You didn’t see this? No.. it was just a little bit awkward – we have a clip of it, let’s take a look at the clip.

[ cut to clip from the Emmys, Wanda Sykes walking among the audience ]

Wanda Sykes: Wow! This is incredible! I mean, the 55th Annual Emmy Awards! So many big stars here tonight, especially.. this man right here. Mr. Bill Cosby! Come on, everybody – Bill Cosby! [ the crowd starts to applaud ] Yeah! What.. what.. what a legend. Now, I mean, Bill Cosby’s a true pioneer – both for comedians and African-Americans, like myself. Mr. Cosby? I used to watch your show all the time.

Bill Cosby: Get out of my face.

Wanda Sykes: [ surprised ] What?!

Bill Cosby: I said.. get out of my face!

Wanda Sykes: Wow! Wow, you cranky! I-I-I guess that happens to all people sometimes, you know? Because you’ve been on TV forever, ain’t ya, Bill? Wa-w-asn’t “I-Spy”, like, the first show ever on television, huh? I mean, you-yuo on TV before they invented TV, weren’t ya?

Bill Cosby: Yeah, but.. at least we spoke English! You know, with the flizzles, the flazzles, the snazzles.. uhhhhh..

Wanda Sykes: Okay. Yeah! Okay, Bill, that’s funny! See, you wanna do the Electric Slide with me, Bill? Come on! Ah-ah!

[ Cosby stands up in slugs Wanda in the face, knocking her to the floor ]

Bill Cosby: [ upset with himself ] Now, you see what you made me do in front of my wife – Camiiiillle?? [ points to his wife sitting next to him ]

[ without warning, Wanda Sykes jumps up and pounches Bill Cosby, as they tumble to the ground in a madcap scuffle ]

Announcer: Coming up next on the 55th Annual Emmy Awards – Bernie Mac.. and the dog from “Frasier”.

[ cut back to the Weekend Update set ]

Tina Fey: Hmm.. alright. In a recent — [ audience begins to applaud ] Yes! See, it was a little awkward. It was a kind of an awkward moment.

In a recent interview, Colin Farrell admitted that he used to smoke “280 fags every week.” Just to clarify this statement, in parts of Europe, the word “fag” is a slang term for “gay dude”.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Telemarketers

Written by: Erik Kenward, Dennis McNicholas, Jeff Richmond

Head Telemarketer…..Jack Black
Female Telemarketer…..Amy Poehler
Male Telemarketer…..Chris Parnell
Black Telemarketer…..Kenan Thompson
Male Telemarketer #2…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ SUPER: “Excellacom Telemarketing, LLP – Sometime in the not too distant future” ]

[ dissolve to interior, telemarketers sitting behind computers in cramped quarters ]

Head Telemarketer: [ on phone ] — if you just stay with me. Yeah. If you want to go with a six-month plan, I can give you five dollars a week, and that — okay. Sorry. [ hangs up ] Well.. ah, that’s it, guys.

Female Telemarketer: Oh. you mean..?

Head Telemarketer: Yeah. Thanks to Congress, that was the end of an era. The last telemarketing call ever. We’ve got to accept the fact that, thanks to this new No Call bill, we telemarketers are now a part of this great nation’s history..

[ sentimental music pots up ]

Gone the way of so many wonderful things: the wide-open plains.. nickel hot dogs..

Male Telemarketer: Double headers at Ebbett’s Field.

Black Telemarketer: The majestic buffalo!

Head Telemarketer: Yes.. and racially-segregated drinking fountains.. I know, it’s sad, friends. What we had was something special! Yet fleeting, like the tender cherry blossom. And no one can take that away from us.

[ singing ]

“The dream is over
Our ti-ime is gone.
We were like shooting stars
But now our day is gone.

Look at this condo and winter vaca-ation
Interested in.. some debt consolidation?
Are you happy with your long-distance service?
This leathery palm was.. a touch-tone dervish.

I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos, when I was in the zone
Subscribe now and get a Sports Illustrated
San Diego Chargers football-shaped pho-o-o-o-ne!”

But now that’s all passed.. and so am I. The noble telemarketer.

[ singing ]

“I was the King of the Phone
Life’s Number One guy!
Calling shut-ins ’round five
Yeah, I sell MCIIIIIIIIII!!”

All: “America, let us call you!”

Head Telemarketer: “We were part of your lives, you can’t throw us away!”

All: “America, let us call you!”

Male Telemarketer #2: With my co-caine addiction, it’s the only job I can do-o-o-o-o-o!!!

Head Telemarketer: Hey! Everyone, let’s cool it with the chick music! My axe got something to say about this!

[ jumps onto the desk and wails on his guitar ]

Now, listen. We were – nay – we are.. telemarketers, America. You might not think so now, but you’re gonna miss us when we’re gone. Every night for the rest of your life, you’ll have to fill those awkward silences at the dinner table, prayimg for the phone to ring. But it won’t! Your every dinner hour from now ’til the end of time will be silent as a tomb. And, guess what? Next time you want to take a 90-minute orientation tour of a new condo complex, you’ll have to call us! Yeah! It stings, don’t it?! Come on, everybody!

[ singing ]

All: “America, let us call you!”

Head Telemarketer: “Unemployment’s at an all-time high!!”

All: “America, let us call you!”

Head Telemarketer: Where ya’ gonna go for unwanted solicitation – on the internet?! [ laughing ] It’s not gonna happen!

All: “Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”

Head Telemarketer: “They paved paradise
And enacted a Don’t Call laaaaaawwww!!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Jack Black’s Monologuebr>
Written by: Jack Black, James Anderson, Jeff Richmond, Paula Pell, Steve Higgins

…..Jack Black
…..Kyle Gass
…..the cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ the audience applauds wildly as Jack Black comes out, almost refusing to let their applause cease as he begins his monologue ]

Jack Black: Thank you very much, you guys, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh wow, I’m so excited.. I’m so excited. Do you know what, seriously? you guys, seriously. I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something serious NOW!! It’s party time. It’s party time. [ audience applauds wildly ] Why? Why is it party time? Because it’s the season premiere! And I’m hosting it! Why am I hosting it?! [ laughs ] It must be because I’m huge. I’m huge! Aparently, I went from being a superstar, to a megastar; and I didn’t even notice it. It’s freaking me OUT!! But I do know one thing – I’m not gonna let it go to my head. No way. Not this J.B.

[ begins his scat, singing ]

“You think that I am cocky ’cause they’re praising my name
But not this Jack!
You think I’d be a player in this Hollywood game
No, not this Jack!

I will admit, I know how to sing it!
But if there’s a song, this kickin’ star can being it!
Me, a big head?
Uh-huh!Not this Jack!”

[ stops singing to approach an audience member ] Okay, you, please – do not make eye contact wth me, don’t look at me. Stop looking at me!! [ turns to another audience members ] You, look at me continuously. Always eye cont- [ audience member turns his head ] don’t look away! Good. You see, I have not changed, people. I still eat Pacitos.. I still hire my own housekeepers.. How about a little scat while I get my Botox – let’s party!

[ does a quick scat as Botox is injected into the areas around his face ]

Don’t forget that one! I want Botox, now I’m ready to roll! [ addresses the audience again ] Seriously, you guys – no flash photography, eyebrows are paralyzed! What’s going on – oh, my gosh! Oh, look, there’s a future Jack Black fan! Let me kiss this baby! [ kisses the baby ] So adorable! [ notices Kyle Bass standing in the room ] Dude, what are you doing?

Kyle Gass: They wouldn’t let me in!

Jack Black: No problem, I’m gonna take care of you! [ signs his name on Kyle’s guitar, then exits down the hall ] You guys, I’m gonna introduce you to my kids – they’re the same ones I’ve had for months! [ enters dressing room, occupied by a group of kids and a statuesque blonde ] This is Alexandria.. Kusong.. I forgot your name.. Luis.. and Tawny. [ indicates the blonde ] Tawny, stand up, let the people see what that’s all about. Oh, yeahhh!! Whoa, that’s the nanny!! [ laughs ]

[ Black exits back inot the hall, where he passes featured players Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson ]

Oh, my God! Are you guys the new dudes? What’s your names? [ Finesse and Kenan start to speak ] Like I care! [ continues down the hall with his scat, passing tina Fey drinking water from a squirt bottle ] SQUEE-EEZE!! [ squeezes Tina’s water bottle, squirting water in her face ]

[ Will Ferrell steps up to Black in the hall ]

[ shoves Ferrell in the face and pushes him away ] Not now! I don’t have time! Ha ha! [ scats, encountering the entire cast in the outer hall ] Whoa, whoa, whoa – no! No, that’s not cool. Why is the auience out of their seats?

Chris Parnell: Uh.. actually, we’re the cast.

Jack Black: Awk-ward.. for you guys! Hit it, boys!

[ scats ]

“Oh no, I’m not a doo-fus!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a phony.”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a jack-weeeeed!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a creepy little dude in his creepy Gucci shoes
looking for trannies in his el Camino!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: A little lower.

Cast: [ lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Waaaay lower.

Cast: [ way lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Okay, that’s great. You guys stay here. Horatio, come on, let’s put some mustard on this bratwurst!

[ Black scats with Horatio, but stops him for faring poorly ]

Stop it! That’s not scat! You’re ruining my song. Just.. Will? Do you know how to scat?

[ Will Ferrell steps out from the shadows, looking slightly confused ]

Will Ferrell: I, uh.. I don’t know.. I-I-I guess I could try.. [ scats perfectly ]

[ pleased, Black scats along with Will, then sings ]

Jack Black: “I won’t deny I’m tasty fantastiiiic!”

Horatio Sanz: “Oh, he needs not made of.. Hollywood plastic!”

Together: “No way!
Not.. this.. Jaaaaaaaaaackkkk!!”

Jack Black: We’ve got a great show – John Mayer is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Huggies Thongs

Mom #1…..Maya Rudolph
Mom #2…..Rachel Dratch

[ two moms look on as their kids play ]

Mom #1: Aren’t they adorable?

Mom #2: Yours is.

Mom #1: Oh, come on!

Mom #2: I’m serious! Caitlin always looks great! ..But, my little Abby looks so.. frumpy. It’s a big, bulky diaper.

Mom #1: Well, haven’t you heard about new Huggies Thongs?

Mom #2: Thongs for babies?

Mom #1: Thongs are what I wear when I need a smooth panty line. So, why shouldn’t she?

Mom #2: Are these as absorbant as regular Huggies?

Mom #1: See for yourself.

[ they pour a fecal-like substance over the thin thong panty strip, which promptly succumbs to the weight and tears through ]

Mom #2: They’re not.

Mom #1: No. In fact, they cause a bigger mess than if there were no diaper at all.

Mom #2: I like it!

Mom #1: Isn’t cleaning up a few times worth it?

Mom #2: I’m sold! [ making a bad pun ] It seems like, with new Huggies, we can’t go thong!

[ the two moms laugh ]

[ Sisqo’s “Thong Song” plays, on close-up of the babies’ bouncing booties in thong diapers ]

Announcer: Huggies. You can’t go thong.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Goodnights

…..Jack Black
…..John Mayer

Jack Black: Thanks to John Mayer!

John Meyer: [ humbly ] Thank you.

Jack Black: Kyle Gass! Will Ferrell! And everybody who wrote and acted in this thing!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cat’s in the Cradle

Musician…..Jack Black
Male Audience Member…..Kenan Thompson
Female Audience Member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Burt Jawinski…..Kenan Thompson
Shelley Long…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, The Wheel Bar & Grill ]

[ dissolve to interior, Musician onstage playing guitar for the crowd ]

“Ill never make the same mistakes
No, never; no, never, never
No, never; no, never, never, whoa
No, never; no, never, never
Doo-diddle-diddle-doo-diddle-doo!”

Musician: Thank you. Thank you very much. That was.. “The Wind”, by Yusef Islam. [ crowd boos ] Oh, hey, WHOA! Everybody! That’s not cool. Look – not all Muslims are terrorists, alright? You might know Yusef Islam by his old name – Cat Stevens!

Male Audience Member: Whoo-hoo, yeah!! Cat Stevens!!

Female Audience Member 1: Mmm! I LOVE Cat Stevens!!

Musician: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Now, seriously – ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because there’s a man in the audience that, uh.. well, uh, he’s near and dear to my heart, and he’s never seen me play – ladies and gentlemen, my father, Burt Jawinsky.

Burt Jawinsky: [ stand, smiles ] Never heard of ’em! [ chuckles ]

[ the crowd applauds ]

Shelley Long: Oh, Burt, Bert! What about me! [ stands ] Aren’t you forgetting someone? Yoo-hoo!!

Musician: Oh. Hey, yeah – and his wife, my stepmom, Shelley Long.

Burt Jawinsky: She was on “Cheers”! She was on “Cheers”!

[ the crowd finally applauds lightly for her ]

Shelley Long: Hi! Hi, I was on “Cheers”! I was on “Cheers”! [ shakes the hands of a couple of members of the crowd ]

Musician: Alright, thanks. Thanks, Shelly.

Shelley Long: Yoo-hoo! I was on “Cheers”!

Musician: Thanks – wrap it up, Shelley.

[ Burt sits her down ]

Musician: Okay. Anyway – it means a lot to me that you’re here, Poppa, and, uh.. Dad? This song’s for you:[ singing ]”My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way –“

Burt Jawinsky: He was MADE in the usual way, too: on a FUTON!

[ two guys high-five Bert ]

Musician: [ still singing ]
“There were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away –“

Burt Jawinsky: Well, I had to travel for work, you know? I was road manager for the Harlem Globetrotters.

[ awkward silence ]

Shelley Long: Burt, don’t take it so literally. It’s just a song.

Burt Jawinsky: Well, Diane, I —

Shelley Long: SHELLEY!! My name is Shelley!

Burt Jawinsky: Shelley. He’s making me sound like a deadbeat DAD, or something!

Musician: [ continues to sing ]
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon –“

Burt Jawinsky: Ohhh, boy! Here we go with the cat again! He had a cat named “Boots” —

Musician: [ furious ] Okay, you KILLED Boots!

Burt Jawinsky: We had him put to sleep.

Musician: Boots could have gotten better!

Burt Jawinsky: [ stands ] He had Lou Gehrig’s Disease!

Shelley Long: Burt, calm down, sweetie. [ to Musician ] Sing your song, sweetheart. I was on “Cheers.”

Musician: NO!! Enough is enough, Dad! You’ve done this ever since I was a little kid!

Burt Jawinsky: Done what?

Musician: You’ve EMBARRASSED me!!

Burt Jawinsky: Such as?

Musician: Okay. My 8th grade Halloween party. Yuo got drunk and threw up in a top hat!

Burt Jawinsky: I was dressed as Abraham DRINKIN’!

[ Burt, the crowd, and Shelley all laugh, as high-fives are passed around ]

Musician: Well, you know what? It wasn’t funny to me.. Dad! And what about my Senior play?

Burt Jawinsky: Awwww, come on —

Musician: NO!! You were LAUGHING so hard, they threw you out!!

Burt Jawinsky: It was funny.

Musician: We were doing “Diary of Anne Frank”!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ starts laughing, Shelley joins in ] Every time I THINK of it, I lose it!

Musician: Yeah? And what about my college graduation party?!

Burt Jawinsky: [ thinks back for a moment ] What.

Musician: You got DRUNK and threw up in a TOP HAT!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ offended ] How.. DARE you!! I was.. DRUNK!! [ stands up and pounds his table ]

Musician: WHY??!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ matter-of-factly ] Because I had problems. [ camera zooms in, as Shelley clutches Burt’s arm ] It wasn’t easy being a single father. Your mother left me.. I got caught taking money out of Meadowlark Lemon’s wallet.. tragically, I developed an allergy to cookies. All in the same year, so.. pardon mai.. if I went a little whacky. [ looks at Shelley ] Thank God I got paired up with this sweet lady on “$25,000 Pyramid”!

Shelley Long: [ smiles ] “Things You Find in a Drawer!”

[ they kiss ]

Musician: Dad!!!

Burt Jawinsky: All I know is.. when I look at you, I know I did all right. ‘Cause you’re a great son. [ looks at the crowd ] And so a lot of other people think the SAME thing!!

[ Shelley leads the crowd into a round of applause ]

Musician: Thanks. Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. You know what else would mean a lot? Come up here and sing a song with me!

Burt Jawinsky: [ embarrassed ] Aww, I don’t know..

Shelley Long: Come on, Burt, why not? Sing with your boy! “Cheers”!

[ the crowd cheers Burt on, as he stands and approaches the stage ]

Burt Jawinsky: I don’t know what we’re gonna sing, uh — I don’t know any songs.

Musician: Well, I know you know this one, Dad!

[ opening piano notes of the “Cheers” theme song begins ]

Musician: [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today, takes everything you’ve got.”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] “Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot!”

Musician: [ singing ] “Wouldn’t you like to get away?”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] Sometimes you want to go-o-o-o-o-o-o..”

Musician: [ singing ] “Where everybody knows your na-a-me!”

[ Shelley pops into the scene ]

All: [ singing ] “And you’re always glad you ca-ame!!”

[ Shelley returns to her seat ]

Together: [ singing ] “You want to be where everybody knows your name!”

Shelley Long: [ pokes her head in once more ] I was on that show!

[ Father and Son hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts